The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 15 - The Ironwood Experience - full transcript
Bob has been asked to give a lecture about sex at the Ironwood Institute.
[grunting]
Emily?
[grunting] Bob?
Honey, I can't
reach the top shelf.
Could you give me a hand?
Sure.
[applauding]
Right.
Thank you.
What's all the
cleaning stuff for?
Take a wild guess.
Dinner.
We're gonna really clean
this place this weekend, Bob.
We are going to clean
that grease trap in the stove,
we're gonna mop
behind the refrigerator,
we're gonna hose
down the screens.
This weekend?
Don't tell me we
have other plans.
Not "we." "I."
I knew that would happen.
Didn't I mention that I've been asked
to lecture at Ironwood this weekend?
No.
Well, then, let me
mention it. I've been, uh,
I've been asked to lecture
at Ironwood this weekend.
Emily, they want me
to lead a therapy group,
and it's a prestigious place,
and I'd, uh, I'd like to do it.
What about our deep
down, ground-in dirt?
Yeah, I want to do that, too.
Sort of on the
horns of a dilemma.
All right. I'll do the
cleaning by myself.
I'll have a wonderful sense of
accomplishment doing it by myself
with no help from anyone.
You're a proud eagle, Emily.
[knocking on door]
- Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily. Can I come in?
- Sure.
Can I bring my phone?
If you can't find a sitter.
No, the airline might
call. I'm on standby.
Boy, I want to tell
you something.
It's a hard and lonely
life being on standby.
I mean, there's
no one to sit with,
no one to laugh with,
no one to drink with.
You want a drink, Howard?
No, I'm not allowed.
Airline policy.
But then again, if they
haven't called by now,
chances are they
won't call at all.
No, I better not. I better not.
Howard, do you
want a drink or not?
You better have one. You're
pacing like a caged animal.
Howard, you're having a drink.
Well, as long as
you're offering.
You know, one time I was on
standby, and I had a bad cough.
I mean, really a bad cough.
And I took a little brandy,
and it didn't make
me dizzy at all.
What did?
Let me see. Only two minutes.
Aw, what the heck.
They're not gonna call.
[phone ringing]
No! Howard.
I swallowed it. Oh!
Oh, my goodness.
Is my speech slurred? Am
I making any sense at all?
No, but it's never
bothered you before.
[clears throat] Hello?
First Officer Borden,
sober as a judge.
Flight 26 to Phoenix. Yes,
sir, you can count on me.
Oh, boy. I've got to burn
this alcohol out of my system.
Maybe I should run to the
airport, and I could burn it all up.
You can burn it quicker
if you run backwards.
- Why didn't I think of that?
- 'Cause you're drunk.
Oh, that's right.
You know, I think before I clean
that grease trap in the stove,
I'm gonna move all the
furniture and vacuum.
Well, Emily, save
something for me.
I know. When I get
back from Ironwood,
I'll clean all the ashtrays.
We don't smoke, Bob.
And we should be
proud of it, Emily.
I know.
I'll let you clean the grease
trap before you go to Ironwood.
Well, I'd love to, but I
have to prepare my lecture.
Another dilemma.
What's your lecture about?
Oh, it concerns men and women
and their interpersonal relationships.
You mean it's a sex workshop?
Sure, take it right down
into the gutter, Emily.
This preliminary activity leads
us to the, um, physical encounter
between the male
and female partner.
Hot stuff.
Who should be the
aggressor? Who should assume
the passive role.
It has been my
personal observation...
You little dickens.
Carol, apparently you're
too immature to handle this.
Just leave that section blank.
Another blank,
Bob? You're no fun.
This isn't supposed to be
fun. It's a scientific lecture.
Therefore, I wish you'd drop
the "hot stuff" and "whoo-ee."
- I never said "whoo-ee."
- You did, too.
- I said, "Yahoo."
- It's the same thing.
The male partner is usually the
aggressor because he is attracted by...
Whoo-ee!
That's it.
[knocking on door]
JERRY: Bob, can I come in?
You accompanied by
a parent or guardian?
Come on in, Jerry. Just
type up what I've done so far.
Fine. I'll type it
under a cold shower.
And no more "whoo-ee's."
Right. Yahoo!
Bob, do you want to go
to the game this Saturday?
I've got great seats
on the one-yard line.
One-yard line?
We'll be able to see everything,
Bob. They're 102 rows up.
Sorry, Jerry, I have to work
out of town this weekend.
- Where?
- I'm not gonna tell you, Jerry,
because if I told you,
you'd make cracks.
Oh, sure, just because
I tell you everything,
I guess that means that you
don't have to tell me anything.
All right, Jerry, I'll
tell you, but no cracks.
I'm going to lecture at the
Ironwood Institute on a sex seminar.
What do you know about sex?
You've been married eight years.
That's a crack, Jerry.
It so happens I've given
many lectures on sex.
Oh, I get it. Those
that can't, teach.
[laughing]
That's two cracks, Jerry.
One more and you're out.
Oh, okay. I-I'm sorry.
Jerry, I don't understand
your attitude about sex.
I mean, sex isn't
something you snicker at.
Excuse me, Bob. I can't
make out these words.
Which one is that?
Uh, such-and-such begins with
adolescence and continues through old age.
What's such-and-such?
You had to whisper
"facial hair"?
Well, Bob, it's up to you.
- You can go away
if you want to.
- I want to.
Bob, I think it's crazy to miss the game
of the season for a dumb sex workshop.
I mean, personally, I think
sex workshops are stupid.
I mean, a whole weekend
with just one topic, sex?
I mean, what's the
big deal about sex?
It's just sex.
That's all it is.
Sex, Bob, instead of football?
Instead of football.
Sex. And you have to go.
I have to go.
Okay, Bob, you go.
[door slamming]
Take me with you, Bob. I'll be as
good as gold. You won't have to...
Emily, I really feel bad about leaving
you alone here with all this work.
This isn't work,
Bob. This is a joy.
I mean, what woman wouldn't want
to get down on her hands and knees,
shove her arms into a pail of
greasy water up to the elbows,
scrub a floor till her
back is breaking?
Work? This is a ball.
I thought it was work.
- Well, goodbye.
- Mm.
[phone ringing]
Hello.
Hi, Jerry. Listen, I
can't talk right now.
I gotta catch a plane.
No, Jerry, you can't
come along with me.
Jerry, I don't need
free gum treatments.
Goodbye.
Why would Jerry
want to go to Ironwood?
Well, you know Jerry. You mention
sex and right away he thinks about sex.
He has an incredible
imagination.
Well, I better get going. I'm
gonna miss my sex... uh, plane.
Freudian slip, Dr. Hartley?
Emily, you're not worried
about this, are you?
Oh, I'm not worried.
Good, 'cause you
shouldn't worry about it.
I'm not worried.
Have a good trip.
You know, I don't know why
I didn't think of this earlier.
You could've gone with me.
Why?
Well, so you wouldn't worry, and the
lecture might be, you know, educational.
Are you saying I
need a lecture in sex?
I'm not saying, you know,
you need a lecture on sex.
You know, you're
never too old to learn.
Well, you always said
our marriage was perfect.
Well, as a psychologist, I
know that no marriage is perfect.
But ours is pretty perfect.
- I'm coming with you.
- Good.
You really want me to go?
Sure, that's why I asked you.
Oh.
Oh, Bob, this is silly.
I mean, I'm not packed.
I have other plans.
You go without me.
Okay, but don't worry.
I'll be ready in a minute.
Ah, no, Bob. Forget it.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
You know, we're
getting pretty good at this.
Yeah. Practice makes perfect.
Maybe I'll put
that in my speech.
Oh, hi, Bob. Where
are you going?
Howard, I don't have time to
talk. I have to catch a plane.
You can't catch a plane.
Your arms aren't long enough!
[laughing]
He can't catch a
plane. His arms aren't...
Where's he going, Emily?
Uh, Bob's going
to a sex workshop.
Oh.
I'm sorry to hear that, Emily.
I didn't know you were
having those kind of problems.
Can I, uh... Can I help?
[gasps]
I didn't mean... I meant,
can I be of any service?
I mean, can I, uh, function
any way as a friend...
[gasps]
Well, I didn't mean
any of those things.
If you, uh, want
me, I'll be in bed.
[knocking on door]
Come in!
Hi, Emily.
Can I borrow something?
I want to take a bath.
You want to borrow
a cup of water?
No, I want to borrow
some bubble bath.
We're all out of bubble bath.
Oh, well, how about a towel? I
hate to go away empty-handed.
Sure. I'll be back in a minute.
[grunting]
Howard, did you push the
refrigerator back against the wall?
Yeah, it gives you
more room in the kitchen.
I was gonna clean behind there.
Well, if you leave it there, no
one will know there's dirt behind it.
Well, you'll know,
and I'll know.
It'll be our little secret.
All right. What the heck.
Well, all right, if you want
to have a dirty kitchen.
Come on, Howard,
move the refrigerator.
Okay.
EMILY: [grunting]
Heave... I already heaved.
Here's your towel, Howard.
Oh. Thank you.
You know something,
Emily, I'd like to thank you
for all the things you've
loaned me over the years.
Oh, that's all right.
Yeah. And, uh,
well, don't worry.
I'm not mad because you're
holding out on the bubble bath.
Howard, could we talk
openly and honestly?
Okay, I am mad because you're
holding out on the bubble bath.
Howard, we've known each
other for what, five years now?
Yeah, five years.
Five wonderful years.
You know, I feel like
you're a sister to me.
Well, sometimes I feel
like you're my brother.
Yeah. That's strange.
We're not even related.
Howard, listen to me.
Has Bob ever talked
to you about us?
There's nothing between
us. We're brother and sister.
No, Howard, I mean
about Bob and me.
I mean, has he ever hinted that
well, that our marriage
is less than perfect?
Emily, I'm a navigator, and there's
no such thing as a perfect marriage.
What's being a navigator
got to do with that?
I'm divorced.
Well, Howard, before
you and Lois got divorced,
I mean, were there any signs
that you were drifting apart?
Yeah.
She started dating.
Emily? Are you worried
about something?
- No, I'm not worried.
- Good.
I'm confused, I'm anxious,
I'm jealous, and I'm scared.
I'm glad you're not worried.
Howard, Bob almost insisted
that I go to Ironwood with him.
I mean, that's a
place where people go
when their marriages
are in trouble.
Yeah. Wow.
I mean, if Bob thinks
we've got problems,
and I'm not there to
discuss them with him,
he's gonna discuss
them with somebody else.
You know, somebody
blond and 24 and... gorgeous.
Yeah. Lucky dog.
Howard, you don't know
what those places are like.
It doesn't matter.
Well, I just wish I
were there with Bob.
Do you really want to
be in a place like that?
Oh, Howard, go take a bath!
With what?
You're not helping me.
Oh, come on, Emily.
You've got a terrific marriage.
I mean, I'm sure
nothing will happen.
Is that your real opinion?
Is it any good?
Oh. Yeah.
Then that's my real opinion.
Excuse me. Dr. Morgan?
There was no one out
there, so I just-I let myself in.
Oh, hello!
Hello-hello. I'm, uh...
[clears throat] I'm Bob Hartley.
It's good to see you...
I mean, hel-hello.
MORGAN: And... And hello to you.
Sit down.
And, uh, tell me. What do
you think of Ironwood so far?
Well, I just, uh,
I just got here.
It seems very nice.
Peaceful, uh, atmosphere,
great trees, lots of birds.
You have no clothes on.
That's right.
That's right. It
feels wonderful.
Uh, don't you
stick to your chair?
No, no. I feel
wonderful and free!
[laughing]
It's remarkable how
being like this relaxes me,
relieves my tension.
I like to take naps.
Well, you've got your
way, and we've got ours.
Uh, "we"?
Yes, almost
everyone here is free.
Oh, boy.
How come I didn't see
anyone when I came in?
Oh, they were
all in the hot tub.
Oh, boy.
Bob, I realize you
may be a little uptight.
I know I was when
I first came here.
Well, it's just a little
unexpected, you know.
I read your brochure,
but there was-there was
no-there was no centerfold.
Well, we don't
publicize the nudity.
That way, we're not
bothered by people
who just want to
sit around and stare.
Right. Right.
- Can I get you some coffee?
- No! No. No.
I'll get it myself.
Just ask my receptionist. She
should be back from lunch by now.
H-ha... hi. Hi.
Could I, uh, could I get
a cup of coffee, please?
RECEPTIONIST: [Southern accent]
Why, certainly. I'll make a fresh pot.
Cream? Sugar?
Uh, uh, black and
a pair of sugars.
Well, she seems
like a very nice girl.
Sort of reminds
me of my secretary.
Uh, uh, parts of her.
Around-around the eyes.
Bob, I wish you didn't
feel so uncomfortable.
Well, it's just, uh, you know,
I've always worn clothes.
Well, you weren't
born with them.
No, but, uh, since then
they've become a sort of hobby.
Relax, Bob. This is the 1970s.
Yeah, well, see, I'm kind of a
1950s kind of guy. I liked Ike.
Well, so did I.
And Ike liked clothes.
Bob, you can wear your
clothes if you want to.
I'm sure your group would
find it a very refreshing change.
And [clears throat] in my
group, they'll, uh, they'll be...
free?
Yes.
And all the other
speakers will be free, too.
Sure you don't
want to give it a try?
Uh, will, uh, will
I have a podium?
No, just a microphone.
How-how wide a microphone?
Hi, honey.
Welcome home, Bob.
Were you expecting someone else?
Come on, Bob. I just wanted to
look good for the man in my life.
Works for me.
Would you like a martini?
Fine.
Floors look great.
Oh, it was nothing.
I stripped them, scrubbed them,
waxed them,
buffed them... twice.
Well, they look terrific.
Well, I wanted everything
to be perfect for you.
Even though you
think nothing is perfect.
Right.
So... how was Ironwood?
Uh, perfect.
Yeah, I spent the entire
weekend talking to couples
who are having
problems in their marriage.
It made me realize what kind
of shape our marriage is in.
What shape is that?
Perfect.
I mean, by comparison.
A lot of those couples
spend most of their
time just being
suspicious of their partners.
[laughing]
Oh, that's insane.
Right.
See, our marriage
is based on trust.
I mean, you sent
me up to Ironwood
and didn't even bat an eye.
Well, I may have
batted once or twice.
In fact, I batted my brains out.
You know, Bob, I imagined all kinds
of crazy things were going on up there.
I mean, I even thought people were
running around without their clothes on.
- [laughing]
- [both laughing]
That's silly. There was, uh,
very little running.
What?
Well, that's the other thing I
wanted to tell you about Ironwood.
Everybody up there was nude.
You mean they were naked?
No, nude.
Were you naked?
- No.
- Were you nude?
Emily, you know me. I
get embarrassed at a zoo.
[laughing]
Well, I learned something
this weekend, Bob.
You can never take a
marriage for granted.
I learned something, too.
What?
A lot of people have
moles you never see.
Bob, I'm glad you're home.
I want to talk to both of you.
Now, I don't want you to
think of me as your friend.
I want you to think of me as
someone who's been around.
One who's seen life
at its lowest depth
to its highest pinnacle.
Now, I've been married
and I've been divorced.
Bob and Emily, I don't want
to see this marriage break up.
Now, Bob, tell
Emily you love her,
and, Emily, you tell
Bob you love him.
And after that, I want to see
you two live happily ever after.
Now go ahead.
Um, I love you, Emily.
Well, I love you, too, Bob.
What about living
happily ever after?
We'll do it.
Good! Well, I'm glad I
got that straightened out.
That was strange.
But nice.
Did you mean it, Bob?
Do you really love me?
Yeah, Emily. I really love you.
How about another martini?
No, but, uh, I think I'll just
go in the other room and
slip into something a
little more comfortable.
Okay, but don't take your clothes off.
I've seen enough of that for one week.
Good morning, Carol.
Well, look who's
back from Ironwood.
You scamp, you scalawag,
you little devil, you. You...
A simple "hello"
would do, Carol.
There was an article about Ironwood
in the paper this weekend, Bob.
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Well, Bob, tell us all about
it, Bob. Tell us all about it.
Give us all the juicy
details, Bob, the juicy details.
Well, I can see there's been no sudden
attack of maturity here over the weekend.
Come on, Bob. Come on, huh? Huh?
All right. Nobody had
a stitch of clothes on.
- Sure, Bob, sure.
- Except me.
I was fully clothed.
Oh, come on, Bob. Come
on. What happened, huh?
Okay, I'll tell you the truth. I
didn't have any clothes on either.
That's just ludicrous.
Bob, nude. Can you
imagine that? Nude!
[both laughing]
[meow]
Emily?
[grunting] Bob?
Honey, I can't
reach the top shelf.
Could you give me a hand?
Sure.
[applauding]
Right.
Thank you.
What's all the
cleaning stuff for?
Take a wild guess.
Dinner.
We're gonna really clean
this place this weekend, Bob.
We are going to clean
that grease trap in the stove,
we're gonna mop
behind the refrigerator,
we're gonna hose
down the screens.
This weekend?
Don't tell me we
have other plans.
Not "we." "I."
I knew that would happen.
Didn't I mention that I've been asked
to lecture at Ironwood this weekend?
No.
Well, then, let me
mention it. I've been, uh,
I've been asked to lecture
at Ironwood this weekend.
Emily, they want me
to lead a therapy group,
and it's a prestigious place,
and I'd, uh, I'd like to do it.
What about our deep
down, ground-in dirt?
Yeah, I want to do that, too.
Sort of on the
horns of a dilemma.
All right. I'll do the
cleaning by myself.
I'll have a wonderful sense of
accomplishment doing it by myself
with no help from anyone.
You're a proud eagle, Emily.
[knocking on door]
- Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily. Can I come in?
- Sure.
Can I bring my phone?
If you can't find a sitter.
No, the airline might
call. I'm on standby.
Boy, I want to tell
you something.
It's a hard and lonely
life being on standby.
I mean, there's
no one to sit with,
no one to laugh with,
no one to drink with.
You want a drink, Howard?
No, I'm not allowed.
Airline policy.
But then again, if they
haven't called by now,
chances are they
won't call at all.
No, I better not. I better not.
Howard, do you
want a drink or not?
You better have one. You're
pacing like a caged animal.
Howard, you're having a drink.
Well, as long as
you're offering.
You know, one time I was on
standby, and I had a bad cough.
I mean, really a bad cough.
And I took a little brandy,
and it didn't make
me dizzy at all.
What did?
Let me see. Only two minutes.
Aw, what the heck.
They're not gonna call.
[phone ringing]
No! Howard.
I swallowed it. Oh!
Oh, my goodness.
Is my speech slurred? Am
I making any sense at all?
No, but it's never
bothered you before.
[clears throat] Hello?
First Officer Borden,
sober as a judge.
Flight 26 to Phoenix. Yes,
sir, you can count on me.
Oh, boy. I've got to burn
this alcohol out of my system.
Maybe I should run to the
airport, and I could burn it all up.
You can burn it quicker
if you run backwards.
- Why didn't I think of that?
- 'Cause you're drunk.
Oh, that's right.
You know, I think before I clean
that grease trap in the stove,
I'm gonna move all the
furniture and vacuum.
Well, Emily, save
something for me.
I know. When I get
back from Ironwood,
I'll clean all the ashtrays.
We don't smoke, Bob.
And we should be
proud of it, Emily.
I know.
I'll let you clean the grease
trap before you go to Ironwood.
Well, I'd love to, but I
have to prepare my lecture.
Another dilemma.
What's your lecture about?
Oh, it concerns men and women
and their interpersonal relationships.
You mean it's a sex workshop?
Sure, take it right down
into the gutter, Emily.
This preliminary activity leads
us to the, um, physical encounter
between the male
and female partner.
Hot stuff.
Who should be the
aggressor? Who should assume
the passive role.
It has been my
personal observation...
You little dickens.
Carol, apparently you're
too immature to handle this.
Just leave that section blank.
Another blank,
Bob? You're no fun.
This isn't supposed to be
fun. It's a scientific lecture.
Therefore, I wish you'd drop
the "hot stuff" and "whoo-ee."
- I never said "whoo-ee."
- You did, too.
- I said, "Yahoo."
- It's the same thing.
The male partner is usually the
aggressor because he is attracted by...
Whoo-ee!
That's it.
[knocking on door]
JERRY: Bob, can I come in?
You accompanied by
a parent or guardian?
Come on in, Jerry. Just
type up what I've done so far.
Fine. I'll type it
under a cold shower.
And no more "whoo-ee's."
Right. Yahoo!
Bob, do you want to go
to the game this Saturday?
I've got great seats
on the one-yard line.
One-yard line?
We'll be able to see everything,
Bob. They're 102 rows up.
Sorry, Jerry, I have to work
out of town this weekend.
- Where?
- I'm not gonna tell you, Jerry,
because if I told you,
you'd make cracks.
Oh, sure, just because
I tell you everything,
I guess that means that you
don't have to tell me anything.
All right, Jerry, I'll
tell you, but no cracks.
I'm going to lecture at the
Ironwood Institute on a sex seminar.
What do you know about sex?
You've been married eight years.
That's a crack, Jerry.
It so happens I've given
many lectures on sex.
Oh, I get it. Those
that can't, teach.
[laughing]
That's two cracks, Jerry.
One more and you're out.
Oh, okay. I-I'm sorry.
Jerry, I don't understand
your attitude about sex.
I mean, sex isn't
something you snicker at.
Excuse me, Bob. I can't
make out these words.
Which one is that?
Uh, such-and-such begins with
adolescence and continues through old age.
What's such-and-such?
You had to whisper
"facial hair"?
Well, Bob, it's up to you.
- You can go away
if you want to.
- I want to.
Bob, I think it's crazy to miss the game
of the season for a dumb sex workshop.
I mean, personally, I think
sex workshops are stupid.
I mean, a whole weekend
with just one topic, sex?
I mean, what's the
big deal about sex?
It's just sex.
That's all it is.
Sex, Bob, instead of football?
Instead of football.
Sex. And you have to go.
I have to go.
Okay, Bob, you go.
[door slamming]
Take me with you, Bob. I'll be as
good as gold. You won't have to...
Emily, I really feel bad about leaving
you alone here with all this work.
This isn't work,
Bob. This is a joy.
I mean, what woman wouldn't want
to get down on her hands and knees,
shove her arms into a pail of
greasy water up to the elbows,
scrub a floor till her
back is breaking?
Work? This is a ball.
I thought it was work.
- Well, goodbye.
- Mm.
[phone ringing]
Hello.
Hi, Jerry. Listen, I
can't talk right now.
I gotta catch a plane.
No, Jerry, you can't
come along with me.
Jerry, I don't need
free gum treatments.
Goodbye.
Why would Jerry
want to go to Ironwood?
Well, you know Jerry. You mention
sex and right away he thinks about sex.
He has an incredible
imagination.
Well, I better get going. I'm
gonna miss my sex... uh, plane.
Freudian slip, Dr. Hartley?
Emily, you're not worried
about this, are you?
Oh, I'm not worried.
Good, 'cause you
shouldn't worry about it.
I'm not worried.
Have a good trip.
You know, I don't know why
I didn't think of this earlier.
You could've gone with me.
Why?
Well, so you wouldn't worry, and the
lecture might be, you know, educational.
Are you saying I
need a lecture in sex?
I'm not saying, you know,
you need a lecture on sex.
You know, you're
never too old to learn.
Well, you always said
our marriage was perfect.
Well, as a psychologist, I
know that no marriage is perfect.
But ours is pretty perfect.
- I'm coming with you.
- Good.
You really want me to go?
Sure, that's why I asked you.
Oh.
Oh, Bob, this is silly.
I mean, I'm not packed.
I have other plans.
You go without me.
Okay, but don't worry.
I'll be ready in a minute.
Ah, no, Bob. Forget it.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
You know, we're
getting pretty good at this.
Yeah. Practice makes perfect.
Maybe I'll put
that in my speech.
Oh, hi, Bob. Where
are you going?
Howard, I don't have time to
talk. I have to catch a plane.
You can't catch a plane.
Your arms aren't long enough!
[laughing]
He can't catch a
plane. His arms aren't...
Where's he going, Emily?
Uh, Bob's going
to a sex workshop.
Oh.
I'm sorry to hear that, Emily.
I didn't know you were
having those kind of problems.
Can I, uh... Can I help?
[gasps]
I didn't mean... I meant,
can I be of any service?
I mean, can I, uh, function
any way as a friend...
[gasps]
Well, I didn't mean
any of those things.
If you, uh, want
me, I'll be in bed.
[knocking on door]
Come in!
Hi, Emily.
Can I borrow something?
I want to take a bath.
You want to borrow
a cup of water?
No, I want to borrow
some bubble bath.
We're all out of bubble bath.
Oh, well, how about a towel? I
hate to go away empty-handed.
Sure. I'll be back in a minute.
[grunting]
Howard, did you push the
refrigerator back against the wall?
Yeah, it gives you
more room in the kitchen.
I was gonna clean behind there.
Well, if you leave it there, no
one will know there's dirt behind it.
Well, you'll know,
and I'll know.
It'll be our little secret.
All right. What the heck.
Well, all right, if you want
to have a dirty kitchen.
Come on, Howard,
move the refrigerator.
Okay.
EMILY: [grunting]
Heave... I already heaved.
Here's your towel, Howard.
Oh. Thank you.
You know something,
Emily, I'd like to thank you
for all the things you've
loaned me over the years.
Oh, that's all right.
Yeah. And, uh,
well, don't worry.
I'm not mad because you're
holding out on the bubble bath.
Howard, could we talk
openly and honestly?
Okay, I am mad because you're
holding out on the bubble bath.
Howard, we've known each
other for what, five years now?
Yeah, five years.
Five wonderful years.
You know, I feel like
you're a sister to me.
Well, sometimes I feel
like you're my brother.
Yeah. That's strange.
We're not even related.
Howard, listen to me.
Has Bob ever talked
to you about us?
There's nothing between
us. We're brother and sister.
No, Howard, I mean
about Bob and me.
I mean, has he ever hinted that
well, that our marriage
is less than perfect?
Emily, I'm a navigator, and there's
no such thing as a perfect marriage.
What's being a navigator
got to do with that?
I'm divorced.
Well, Howard, before
you and Lois got divorced,
I mean, were there any signs
that you were drifting apart?
Yeah.
She started dating.
Emily? Are you worried
about something?
- No, I'm not worried.
- Good.
I'm confused, I'm anxious,
I'm jealous, and I'm scared.
I'm glad you're not worried.
Howard, Bob almost insisted
that I go to Ironwood with him.
I mean, that's a
place where people go
when their marriages
are in trouble.
Yeah. Wow.
I mean, if Bob thinks
we've got problems,
and I'm not there to
discuss them with him,
he's gonna discuss
them with somebody else.
You know, somebody
blond and 24 and... gorgeous.
Yeah. Lucky dog.
Howard, you don't know
what those places are like.
It doesn't matter.
Well, I just wish I
were there with Bob.
Do you really want to
be in a place like that?
Oh, Howard, go take a bath!
With what?
You're not helping me.
Oh, come on, Emily.
You've got a terrific marriage.
I mean, I'm sure
nothing will happen.
Is that your real opinion?
Is it any good?
Oh. Yeah.
Then that's my real opinion.
Excuse me. Dr. Morgan?
There was no one out
there, so I just-I let myself in.
Oh, hello!
Hello-hello. I'm, uh...
[clears throat] I'm Bob Hartley.
It's good to see you...
I mean, hel-hello.
MORGAN: And... And hello to you.
Sit down.
And, uh, tell me. What do
you think of Ironwood so far?
Well, I just, uh,
I just got here.
It seems very nice.
Peaceful, uh, atmosphere,
great trees, lots of birds.
You have no clothes on.
That's right.
That's right. It
feels wonderful.
Uh, don't you
stick to your chair?
No, no. I feel
wonderful and free!
[laughing]
It's remarkable how
being like this relaxes me,
relieves my tension.
I like to take naps.
Well, you've got your
way, and we've got ours.
Uh, "we"?
Yes, almost
everyone here is free.
Oh, boy.
How come I didn't see
anyone when I came in?
Oh, they were
all in the hot tub.
Oh, boy.
Bob, I realize you
may be a little uptight.
I know I was when
I first came here.
Well, it's just a little
unexpected, you know.
I read your brochure,
but there was-there was
no-there was no centerfold.
Well, we don't
publicize the nudity.
That way, we're not
bothered by people
who just want to
sit around and stare.
Right. Right.
- Can I get you some coffee?
- No! No. No.
I'll get it myself.
Just ask my receptionist. She
should be back from lunch by now.
H-ha... hi. Hi.
Could I, uh, could I get
a cup of coffee, please?
RECEPTIONIST: [Southern accent]
Why, certainly. I'll make a fresh pot.
Cream? Sugar?
Uh, uh, black and
a pair of sugars.
Well, she seems
like a very nice girl.
Sort of reminds
me of my secretary.
Uh, uh, parts of her.
Around-around the eyes.
Bob, I wish you didn't
feel so uncomfortable.
Well, it's just, uh, you know,
I've always worn clothes.
Well, you weren't
born with them.
No, but, uh, since then
they've become a sort of hobby.
Relax, Bob. This is the 1970s.
Yeah, well, see, I'm kind of a
1950s kind of guy. I liked Ike.
Well, so did I.
And Ike liked clothes.
Bob, you can wear your
clothes if you want to.
I'm sure your group would
find it a very refreshing change.
And [clears throat] in my
group, they'll, uh, they'll be...
free?
Yes.
And all the other
speakers will be free, too.
Sure you don't
want to give it a try?
Uh, will, uh, will
I have a podium?
No, just a microphone.
How-how wide a microphone?
Hi, honey.
Welcome home, Bob.
Were you expecting someone else?
Come on, Bob. I just wanted to
look good for the man in my life.
Works for me.
Would you like a martini?
Fine.
Floors look great.
Oh, it was nothing.
I stripped them, scrubbed them,
waxed them,
buffed them... twice.
Well, they look terrific.
Well, I wanted everything
to be perfect for you.
Even though you
think nothing is perfect.
Right.
So... how was Ironwood?
Uh, perfect.
Yeah, I spent the entire
weekend talking to couples
who are having
problems in their marriage.
It made me realize what kind
of shape our marriage is in.
What shape is that?
Perfect.
I mean, by comparison.
A lot of those couples
spend most of their
time just being
suspicious of their partners.
[laughing]
Oh, that's insane.
Right.
See, our marriage
is based on trust.
I mean, you sent
me up to Ironwood
and didn't even bat an eye.
Well, I may have
batted once or twice.
In fact, I batted my brains out.
You know, Bob, I imagined all kinds
of crazy things were going on up there.
I mean, I even thought people were
running around without their clothes on.
- [laughing]
- [both laughing]
That's silly. There was, uh,
very little running.
What?
Well, that's the other thing I
wanted to tell you about Ironwood.
Everybody up there was nude.
You mean they were naked?
No, nude.
Were you naked?
- No.
- Were you nude?
Emily, you know me. I
get embarrassed at a zoo.
[laughing]
Well, I learned something
this weekend, Bob.
You can never take a
marriage for granted.
I learned something, too.
What?
A lot of people have
moles you never see.
Bob, I'm glad you're home.
I want to talk to both of you.
Now, I don't want you to
think of me as your friend.
I want you to think of me as
someone who's been around.
One who's seen life
at its lowest depth
to its highest pinnacle.
Now, I've been married
and I've been divorced.
Bob and Emily, I don't want
to see this marriage break up.
Now, Bob, tell
Emily you love her,
and, Emily, you tell
Bob you love him.
And after that, I want to see
you two live happily ever after.
Now go ahead.
Um, I love you, Emily.
Well, I love you, too, Bob.
What about living
happily ever after?
We'll do it.
Good! Well, I'm glad I
got that straightened out.
That was strange.
But nice.
Did you mean it, Bob?
Do you really love me?
Yeah, Emily. I really love you.
How about another martini?
No, but, uh, I think I'll just
go in the other room and
slip into something a
little more comfortable.
Okay, but don't take your clothes off.
I've seen enough of that for one week.
Good morning, Carol.
Well, look who's
back from Ironwood.
You scamp, you scalawag,
you little devil, you. You...
A simple "hello"
would do, Carol.
There was an article about Ironwood
in the paper this weekend, Bob.
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Well, Bob, tell us all about
it, Bob. Tell us all about it.
Give us all the juicy
details, Bob, the juicy details.
Well, I can see there's been no sudden
attack of maturity here over the weekend.
Come on, Bob. Come on, huh? Huh?
All right. Nobody had
a stitch of clothes on.
- Sure, Bob, sure.
- Except me.
I was fully clothed.
Oh, come on, Bob. Come
on. What happened, huh?
Okay, I'll tell you the truth. I
didn't have any clothes on either.
That's just ludicrous.
Bob, nude. Can you
imagine that? Nude!
[both laughing]
[meow]