The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 16 - Of Mice and Men - full transcript

Ah, Carol, send out these bills.

And if Wanda
calls, and she will,

tell her I'll pick
her up tonight at 8.

Is there a new tooth
groupie in your life, Jer?

She happens to be
very sophisticated,

and she's over 80.

Sophisticated?
She's almost dead.

What I meant was she
scored 80 out of 100 points

on my female rating system.

Oh, and how did wonderful
Wanda reach this pinnacle?

70 points for looks, and
10 points for intelligence.



10 for intelligence? And
she's going out with you?

I happen to be quite a catch.

So's the swine flu.

Jerry, you may
not be aware of this,

but women have a
rating scale for men, too.

- Oh yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

How would you rate,
uh... You, Jer? Oh...

You are a solid 100.

Really?

Yeah. Of course,
that's out of a million.

Don't you ever get any
work done around here?

Look at this place.
It's like a pig sty.

Oh, you just lost 20 points.

Oh, Bob, can I
ask you a question?



I'm sorry, Carol,
I'm late for group.

No, Bob, this will just
take a minute now.

On a scale of 100,
how would you rate moi?

I don't believe
in rating systems.

Please, Bob.

All right, I'll give you
10 for the sweater.

You're late, Bob.

Seven minutes
late. I win the pool.

You let me down, Dr. Hartley.
I thought you'd be on time.

I'm sorry.

I'm not. Pay up.

Thank you.

All right, why don't we pick up

where we left off last session.

Oh, Herd was crying in his beer

because he's such
a lousy salesman.

He's not a lousy salesman.
He's just having a bad run of luck.

No, I'm a lousy salesman.

That's why I'm not
selling anymore.

I'm giving things away.

How is giving going?

Lousy.

Well, maybe people aren't
interested in what you're giving away.

I'm giving away money.

The losers of the
world have a new king.

See, it's a bank promotion

to get new women customers.

See, I'm supposed to give
them each a silver dollar,

you know, but
they won't take it.

Maybe you're using
the wrong approach.

Well, all I say is, Hi,
you want a dollar?

Should work.

Well, I don't know. They always
want to know what the catch is.

I wish I had a better product.

I hope you don't mind
me saying this, Mr. Herd,

but you're probably
the most pitiful example

of a man I ever met
and that includes me.

Yeah, the last I heard your
mother-in-law was moving in on you.

Did you tell the old
battle-ax to hit the bricks?

Mr. Carlin, I thought
we had decided

that one of the steps
we were going to take

to improve our
relationships with women

was to avoid terms
like "old battle-ax".

Yeah, but you also told
us to stand up for our rights.

So come on, Peterson,
what'd you tell the fat cow?

Mr. Carlin, I think "fat cow"
has a certain derogatory...

Actually, in her case,
it's kind of complimentary.

[beeping]

What's that?

That's me.

What, do you got a
mouse in your pants?

It's my beeper.

It means Doris wants me to go

and help my
mother-in-law move in.

[beeping]

Coming, Doris.

I don't know why I put up with
this sniveling bunch of cowards.

Well, Mr. Carlin, you have
to have a little understanding.

That's what this
group is all about.

I mean, you all have
a problem with women.

I don't have a problem
with women anymore.

I just dump 'em.

You mean they dump you.

Don't tell me what
I mean, warthog.

See, there again. "Warthog".

I'm really sorry.

Where was I?

You were being charming.

Anyway, I dumped
this girl last week

because she broke a
date with me three times.

Said there was an
emergency at the hospital.

Well, they do have a lot of
emergencies at a hospital.

She works in the gift shop.

You should have
dumped her, Mr. Carlin.

You're too good for her.

Mind your own business, bub.

That's telling me.

All right, let's
stop the bickering.

We still have a lot of
time left in this session.

Let's try to get
something out of it.

I got something
out of it already.

What?

The two bucks I won in the pool.

Would you like another dollar?

What's the catch?

You know, if we were
going to build a house,

you know what I'd like in it?

A big bathroom
with a sunken tub.

And then in the living room,
I'd like a concert grand piano

and a fieldstone fireplace

and next to the pool I'd
like a little greenhouse.

Bob, what would you like?

I'd like one of those
plastic shoe bags.

We always did
have similar tastes.

Oh, I guess that's why
we have a perfect marriage.

Oh, I knew it was perfect.
I just didn't know why.

You know, actually, Emily,

we're lucky we agree
on so many things.

I'm working with a group of men,

they can't agree with
women on anything.

Well, let's face it, Bob. Men
and women are different.

You're kidding?

Maybe you should have
a woman in the group.

Yeah. She'd have to
be a strong woman.

A forceful woman.

A woman who's understanding
but at the same time...

Sympathetic.

- Yeah.
- And intelligent.

Intelligent is good.

Just that I don't know
any women like that.

Unless you could be free
tomorrow night at 8:00.

Uh-oh. Wait a minute, Bob.

Every time I've gotten
involved in one of your groups,

it's backfired.

Well, that's not true, Emily.

You were great in my
fear of strangers group.

Yeah, that's because
everybody knew me.

Maybe that's a bad example.

Anyway, I think it's important
to get your point of view.

Oh, I don't know, Bob.

What'll it take to
get you in the group?

Build me a house.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, no. The group
is here already

and I haven't even
had time to make coffee.

Emily, you're a member
of the group, not a hostess.

Yeah, Bob, but still.

Emily, don't worry about it.

Now, go greet your guests.

Oh, hello, Mr. Herd.

Hi, Mrs. Hartley.

Would you like a dollar?

What's the catch?

- Emily, take it.
- I'll take it, thank you.

I won't bother you any more.

So, uh... Where do I sit?

Sit wherever you're
comfortable, Mr. Herd.

Yeah, okay. I'll
just go in the den.

We won't be using
the den tonight.

Well, I'll just go
wait in my car.

[doorbell rings]

Ah!

Mr. Herd, just sit down.

Mr. Herd?

Hi, Dr. Hartley.

Oh, come on in.

Hello, Mr. Peterson.
Hi, Mr. Carlin.

Uh, Dr. Hartley,

could I talk to you a minute?

Sure.

Your wife's here.

I know. She's here a lot.

Why is she here tonight?

Well, I thought it
would be beneficial

to get the woman's
point of view.

Why?

Well, because men and
women are... are different.

Only you could put it that
way and get away with it.

I don't know, Dr. Hartley.

I don't think she
should be here.

Maybe she should wait in my car.

Let her stay. She
can make the coffee.

She is not making coffee.

Look, Bob, if this is
going to be a problem,

honey, I can just...

Emily, I think it's
important for you to be here.

All right, now tonight
we're going to incorporate

a new technique
called role-playing.

What's that?

That's where you play roles.

Yeah, we act out a
situation in somebody's life.

Oh, yeah, we did that a
couple of years ago in group.

Laid an egg.

It didn't lay an egg.

You made me play a character
that was stupid and totally obnoxious.

You were playing yourself.

Shut up, bean brain.

Why don't you blow
it out your nose?

Now, excuse me. I
don't mean to butt in,

but I'm not surprised that
you can't relate to women.

I mean, you can't
relate to each other.

Emily, you're butting in.

I thought tonight
we'd concentrate

on Mr. Peterson's
relationship with his wife.

[beeping]

Thanks for a wonderful evening,

but I gotta go.

You just came here.

Yeah, but Doris will keep
beeping until I get home.

I can take care of that.

Ah!

Mr. Carlin, don't you think
that's a little out of line?

A little.

Doris'll kill me!

Mr. Peterson, sit down.

Now, we're going to try to
straighten out your problem.

Now, when was the latest
confrontation you had with your wife?

When I was leaving
to come here tonight.

And who was there?

Me, Doris, my mother-in-law
and Walter Cronkite.

Walter Cronkite?

We were watching the news.

Doris blames me for the
crisis in the middle east.

All right, let's
recreate that situation.

I'll be the Suez Canal.

No, I meant the situation
at Mr. Peterson's house.

All right, Emily, you
be Mrs. Peterson.

Either I play the
lead, or I walk.

Don't you think a woman
should play Mrs. Peterson?

No, it's a man's part.

He's right.

Well, then maybe I should
play your mother-in-law.

Well, actually, Mr. Herd
looks more like her.

You're just saying that.

Well, then, who
am I going to be?

Well, you get to
play Walter Cronkite.

Bob, that's silly. I'm a woman.
I can't be Walter Cronkite.

All right, then, play
Barbara Walters.

Okay, anyway, I'm Doris, right?

Right.

Now, let's begin.

Good evening.

This is Barbara
Walters with the news.

Shut that thing off.
It makes me sick.

Whatever you say, dear.

[click]

Well, now what am
I supposed to do?

Emily, try to stay in character.

Mr. Peterson, did you really
want to shut off the television set?

No, I wanted to watch the news.

Well, tell her that.

Doris, I want to watch the news.

I'm turning the set back on.

Oh, good.

You turn that set back on and
I'll have my mother sit on you.

Okay, Doris, if you
don't let me watch TV,

I don't make dessert.

Am I in time for dessert?

Howard, please.

Am I in time for
dessert, please?

Don't you ever threaten
me, you little cockroach.

Gee, I mean. No big deal.

I just thought since
everyone is having dessert,

I'd join you.

Howard, we're
playing a sort of game.

Oh, you're playing
a game. Great!

Do you know what you are, Doris?

Do you know what you are Doris.

Do you know what you are Doris.

How many syllables?
Doris, Doris.

Doris Day movie?

Pillow Talk.

- No, Howard.
- Sounds like Pillow Talk.

Elephant Walk.
Walk on the Wild Side.

Two Guys from Milwaukee?

No, Howard.

Sounds like "No, Howard."

Howard, what do you want?

I want some dessert.

I'm not making dessert
unless I get to watch TV.

Well, you better turn on the TV.

We'll never get our dessert.

You turn on that TV, and
you'll be wearing your dessert.

Gee, take it easy, Mr. Carlin.

I'm not Mr. Carlin, I'm Doris.

Emily, what's he talking about?

I'm not Emily. I'm
Barbara Walters.

Yeah.

If you're Barbara Walters
and he's Doris, who am I?

You're Howard.

Thank God.

All right, let's continue.

That's the last straw, Doris.
You've pushed me too far.

Last straw? I'll give
you a last straw.

Mother, sit on him.

I'm sorry it has to come
to this, Mr. Peterson.

I'm watching TV.

Well, it's about time.

You touch that TV
and I'll kick the set in.

Go ahead, kick it
in, Doris, I dare you.

That's good, Mr. Peterson.

Okay, here goes.

Hold it!

This is crazy.

Emily, we had something
good going here.

Bob, you're encouraging
these men to act like animals.

I'm not going to sit
there and get kicked.

Mr. Carlin wouldn't kick you.

No, I wouldn't, but
Peterson's wife would.

Well, I'm not going to
let her do that to me.

Emily, you're
disrupting the group.

I'm a member of the
group. Remember me?

I'm the women's viewpoint.

Right now, you're
a television set.

Do I kick her, or not?

Do I sit on him, or not?

I don't want to play anymore.

All right, if you don't
want to play anymore,

go in the kitchen and
make some coffee.

I'm Barbara Walters. I
make a million dollars a year.

Get your own coffee.

Well, that's okay,
Emily, I'll clean up.

Oh, the guys said
to say goodbye,

and you were a good sport
and a great anchorman.

Anchorperson.

So, how'd you think it went?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's kind of hard
to tell unless you've

had a lot of experience
with these groups,

but I think it went well.

Is there anything you'd
like to talk to me about?

Yeah, I am a little bushed.

These sessions
really take it out of you.

Why don't we pack
it in and get in bed?

I don't know why
I get this feeling

that you're... that
you're mad at me.

Of course, I could be wrong.

Well, why don't we sit
down and talk it right out?

Or we could role play.

That's it. I'll be
Bob, and you'll be...

A rock.

A moving rock.

Uh, you know, when I
was a kid in Chicago,

we used to play a
game called statues,

and you'd freeze, you know,

and the first one to
move would be the loser.

And I was terrific.

But you are the
best I've evever seen.

Bob, you're driving me
crazy. What's the answer?

To what?

To the movie game. If it's
not Pillow Talk, what is it?

Goodbye, Howard.

Goodbye? Goodbye...
Goodbye, Mr. Chips?

- Goodbye, Howard.
- The Long Goodbye?

Goodbye, Howard.

Goodbye, Howard?
Oh, Goodbye, Howard!

I should have thought of
that. I feel like such an idiot.

Goodbye, Howard.

You don't have to rub it in.

All right, enough
of this nonsense.

I want you in here. I
want you in here now.

[phone ringing]

Just hold that thought.

I'm going to get the phone.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mr. Peterson.

No, no, not at all. We were
just shooting the breeze.

How'd things come
out with you and Doris?

Well, sometimes
it works, you know,

if you stand up for your rights.

Well, it isn't a hard
and fast rule, no.

Could I meet you where?

Let me check.

Yeah, I think I could get away.

I'll be there in a few minutes.

Hi, Mr. Peterson.

Oh, hello, Dr. Hartley.

Flo, another round
for me and my friend.

What are we drinking?

Hot chocolate,
double. Straight up.

You and Doris had it out, huh?

I don't know what to do.

I can't take it anymore.

I don't think hot
chocolate's the answer.

I just use it to unwind. I
can stop anytime I want.

How about a piece of raisin pie?

No thanks, I'm trying to quit.

I really felt confident
after the session tonight.

I marched right in my
front door, and I said,

"Doris, I've got
something to say to you."

The next thing I knew,
somebody was sitting on me.

Doesn't sound promising.

Somewhere along the line, the
romance went out of our lives.

I've heard that song before.

Well, you see, you have
to work at a marriage.

A marriage goes through phases.

Marriage is like
dinner in a diner.

Nothing could be finer.

Just like dinner in a diner,

marriage can be bland.

Are you kidding?

I've got some chili here
that'll make your eyes fall out.

Yeah, but that's
because it's seasoned.

See, a man has to
season his marriage

with trust and, uh,
and, uh, and spice it.

Spice it with honesty.

And of course,
sweeten it with affection.

Right, and then the
wife has to clean up

the whole mess after him.

Let me put it another way.

If it has anything to do
with ketchup, forget it.

You know something,
the sloppy guy's right.

He makes sense.

It's just that he says it dumb.

I don't think it was dumb.

Why don't you tell your
old lady you love her?

When was the last
time you told her?

Last night.

I said, "I love you, Doris.

Let go of my arm."

Do you really love her?

Well, yeah.

Why don't you call her and
say you're coming home?

Take her some flowers,
sweep her off her feet,

give her a kiss?

I don't know what
your problem is.

I know what your problem is.

You're messy.

What do you think, Dr. Hartley?

Should I try it?

Well, you've hit rock bottom.

Anything would
be better than this.

Give it a whirl.

You know, if you want
to get to know people,

you gotta hang around a diner.

I see guys like him every day.

Yeah, me, too.

You work in a diner?

You could say that. I
work in the diner of life.

Is that one of those
health food joints?

I really like the way you think.

And, if you're ever
laid off, look me up.

Here's my card.

You just gotta be
neater, that's all.

Dr. Hartley, it worked!

Doris ordered me to come home.

Well, that's good.

You know what, she
said she loves me, too.

That's even better.

Yeah.

Where am I going to find
flowers this time of night?

Ah, it's the
thought that counts.

Take her a piece of raisin pie.

Say it with raisins.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Oh, there you are.

I brought you a little present.

Sort of a peace offering.

A piece of pie.

Use your imagination there.
That's a chrysanthemum.

It's beautiful.

It was either that or a
lemon meringue rose.

You trying to tell
me something, Bob?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm
trying to tell you that

the flower shop was closed

and I'm sorry I treated you
badly in front of other people

and I love you.

I love you, too.

I'm sorry it worked
out this way.

Well, it was all my fault.

Yeah.

I never should have
forced you into that group.

- I was a dope.
- Yeah, I know.

I acted like an idiot.

That's true.

I mean, only a fool would
put his wife in a spot like that.

Mm-hmm.

Emily, you know, you can
stop me any time you want.

Oh, I will, I just thought
you had a long way to go.

No, I think I
covered everything.

And you covered it beautifully.

You know, I find it hard to believe
that you were out there all that time.

Well, I wasn't.

I mean, I was mad,

but not mad enough
to get pneumonia.

You know, it's
freezing out there.

Bob, I've been thinking
about it for hours.

There's no movie called
Goodbye, Howard, is there?

No.

Then why did you
tell me there was?

Well, Howard, because we
were involved with a group,

and you were interrupting,
and I was trying to get rid of you.

Okay.

Who was in it?

Rhonda Fleming.

Oh, Rhonda
Fleming, that's right.

She played the duchess.

Goodbye, Howard.

Yeah, and Ronald
Reagan played Howard.

Do you think he's
broken the mood?

Well... let me put it this way.

Bob, can I talk to
you for a minute?

I need some advice.

What kind?

Marital. It's kind of involved.

Uh, sure, Carol, but
can we do it tomorrow?

I'm really busy.

Oh, gee, I kinda
wanted to do it today.

Okay, um...

Call that number
and ask for Flo.