The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 17 - Halls of Hartley - full transcript

- Good morning, Bob.
- Hm.

Excuse me, but the
wienie fell off your stick.

- Very funny, Carol.
- Thank you.

This happens to be an
automobile antenna. It's mine.

Someone deliberately
broke it off my car.

This is the third one
they've broken off.

I mean, this city is
becoming a jungle.

I know what you mean, Bob. Last
week someone stole my pantyhose.

How'd they get them
over your shoes?

No. I was carrying them out of
the store. I'd just bought them.

Breaking off antennas,
stealing pantyhose...



Who would do
something like that?

Probably the notorious Car
Antenna Pantyhose Gang.

You try getting along
without your car radio.

Well, try getting along
without your pantyhose.

Excuse me, Bob.

Your door won't open.

Thank you for telling me, Carol.
Now would you tell me why?

Well, when I was trying to open it this
morning, the key broke off in the lock.

Now can you tell me when the
superintendent is going to fix it?

- He said it can't be done.
- Why?

- Because.
- Oh.

- But I did call the locksmith.
- Good.

He'll be here day after tomorrow,
but it's gonna cost you extra

because it's a rush job.



[coffee streaming onto floor]

Ah. Excuse me, Bob, but
the coffee machine's broken.

I thought they were
gonna fix that yesterday.

It can't be done.

Why?

Because.

Oh.

Hey, good morning, everybody!

What's good about it?

- Well, it's a beautiful day.
- It stinks.

Oh, come on. Look
on the bright side.

Jerry, you can't see the bright
side because of the smog.

Bob's right. This
city's the pits.

Rude people.

- Pollution.
- Sin.

Well, that's what makes
the city so charming.

Come on, Bob. Why don't
you put a smile on your face

and a song in your heart?

Why don't you put a
sock in your mouth?

I'm going to the coffee shop.

Out of order? What do you
mean? I just used that elevator.

Oh, you're the one who broke it.

Look, I want that elevator
fixed. I want it fixed right now.

It can't be done.

It can be done. It must
be done. It will be done!

Oh, hi, dear.

Mm.

Did you get the steaks?

Does that mean yes?

- Do you know how much
these steaks cost?
- No.

Well, the next time we have to buy
some, we have to take out a meat loan.

Oh, by the way,
Bob, that reminds me.

It's gonna cost us $175
to re-upholster that chair.

What are you going to
re-upholster it with, meat?

[sighing] It doesn't matter.
They can't do it before April.

- Why?
- Because.

Oh.

Oh, here's some good news.

Our rent's going up again.

What's good about that?

Nothing.

Well, then, why did you
say it was good news?

I was being sarcastic.

You know, you've been
sarcastic a lot lately, Bob.

I wish you'd snap out of it.

I'll snap out of it when
we move out of this city.

Well, then why don't we do it?

Leave Chicago? It's my hometown.

Well, honey, if you're not
happy here, why don't we leave?

I'm not unhappy. I'm
just-I'm kinda miserable.

You know, actually,
Bob, it's not a bad idea.

I mean, move to a small
town, start a new life.

I could probably teach in
a one-room schoolhouse.

What would I do?
Psychoanalyze corn?

Bob, you can practice
your profession anywhere.

I mean, I see ads in your
psychology magazines

all the time for great jobs
all around the country.

Here... Look, here's one.

"Peoria needs
Ukrainian psychologists."

Well, maybe that's
not a good example.

Ah, look. "Country shrink wanted.
Must have veterinary degree."

Forget it, Emily.
We are trapped.

No-no-no. Look. Here's one.

"Small college in Iowa looking for
new head of psychology department.

"Interviews being scheduled.

"Call Dr. Edward
Scranton, Dean."

No, it's not for me.

Well, what's wrong with it?

I'm not a teacher.
I'm a psychologist.

I don't think I'd like it.

Well, why don't you call
and see what it's about?

I am not calling.

- Why?
- Because.

Oh.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

I just came over for
no particular reason.

I don't know if you
guys have noticed it,

but I'm always coming
over, borrowing things,

you know, and having
dinner here, you know,

just generally
imposing on you guys.

Maybe once.

Well, I'm trying
to break the habit.

Emily: Ah.

I just came over to be sociable.

That's nice.

Yes, it is.

[humming softly]

So how you guys feeling?

Fine.

How's your parents?

Fine.

What's for dinner?

I'm sorry. I can't help myself.

Howard, what would you
think if we moved to Iowa?

All of us?

No, just Bob and me.

Oh. You're moving to get
away from me, aren't you?

Don't be silly.

You secretly despise me.

No, Howard, we don't.

You openly despise me.

Howard, we love you. We're just
thinking of moving out of the city.

Yeah, the hell with me. I'm
not worth sticking around for!

Howard, hold on. We
may not even be moving.

Emily just read an ad in
a psychology magazine

and she's ready to sell
the farm and buy a farm.

Bob, why don't you at least
call and see what it's about?

All right, I will call.

As long as Howard agrees.

All right. Go ahead
and make the call.

But you haven't
answered my question.

What question is that?

What's for dinner?

Ah, your resume's almost
finished, Professor Hartley.

It's just an interview, Carol.

It's a good excuse for Emily and I
to get out of town over the weekend.

Oh, but, Bob,
you'll get the job.

I can see you now, patches on your
elbows, chalk stains on your pants.

[coffee streaming onto floor]

Coffee on my shoes.

By the way, they didn't
come to fix that yet.

Really?

Okay, all finished.

Now, I included your education, work
experience, professional qualifications,

everything you've published,
and your community activities.

Carol, couldn't you make it
look a little more professional,

maybe type it on bigger paper?

Ah, we're out of bigger paper,
Bob. There's a bigger paper strike.

Well, Bob, when do you
leave for Bumpkinville?

It's not Bumpkinville,
Jerry. It's Pleasant Acres.

Pleasant Acres
sounds like a cemetery.

It is nothing like
a cemetery, Jerry.

It's a quiet, pastoral
setting amid rolling hills,

green grass,
beautiful flowers...

And perpetual care.

I'm sorry, Bob. You go,
you have a good time,

you rest in peace.

Keep it up, Jerry.

Okay, I will. "Ashes to
ashes, dust to dust..."

You know, I'm starting
to hope I get the job.

Ah, okay. As long as you're
going for that interview,

let me give you a
couple of pointers

so you don't make a
complete idiot of yourself.

- Isn't he wonderful?
- Thank you.

Now, Bob, whenever
they ask you a question,

you answer with
another question.

- Why?
- Very good!

Bob, about your clothes...

you gotta wear something
that'll really knock them dead.

Good, I'll wear my
exploding slacks.

Jerry: Hi, Howard!

Howard, what are you doing here?

I came down to have
lunch with my best friend.

I want to spend as much time as I can
before he leaves for Pleasant Acres...

forever.

It is a cemetery.

Howard, it's just an interview.
I may not even get the job.

Yeah, but I don't want
to take any chances.

I'd better find a
new best friend.

- Jerry, do you...
- Jerry: [whistling]

Of course, it's not gonna
be easy to replace you.

Apparently not.

Let's go, Bob. Boy, I'm
really gonna miss you.

Look, Howard, even if we have to
move, we're not gonna forget you.

Yeah, you know something?
I'll never forget you either.

Hi, my name is Howard.
You want to be chums?

I think it's fun that they
put us up in a dorm.

I guess they ran
out of phone booths.

Oh, honey. You know the
motels are full all over town.

Yeah, just our luck we had to get here
during National Threshing Championships.

What's lucky about that?

- Nothing.
- Then why'd you say
we were lucky?

Emily... Oh, you're
being sarcastic again.

Right.

Knock it off.

Well, hope your bed
isn't as lumpy as mine.

Bob, I'm not gonna
sleep on the top.

I'll flip you for it.

Why don't we both
sleep on the bottom?

Emily, we're just roommates.

Bob, when you were in college,

did you ever bring a
girl up to your room?

Of course not.

It was against the rules. It was
immoral. Things were different then.

Besides, none of the
girls would come up.

Ah...

I don't know how they could
resist a handsome devil like you.

It's a mystery to me, too.

[crickets chirping]

Oh, Bob,

listen to those
crickets chirping.

Well, you don't hear
crickets chirping in Chicago.

In Chicago, if you wanted to hear
chirping, you'd have to listen for birds.

Emily: [chuckling]

Well, I think the
town looks great.

How can you tell?
All the lights are out.

I think the water wheel broke.

Well, I think it's charming.

I think it's dark.

You know, honey, I
hope you're not gonna go

into this interview tomorrow
with a negative attitude.

Emily, I'm not being
negative. I'm just being realistic.

I just don't think this
kind of life is challenging.

Hello.

Who, uh, who are you?

Chuck Morgan.

Hi.

I'm Emily Hartley.

Hi, Emily.

Hi. This is Bob.

Hiya, Bob.

Hello.

You here for the
threshing championship?

No.

I thought maybe you might be.

You're built like a thresher.

Good arms. Small head.

No, actually, Bob is here to apply for the
new head of the psychology department.

Oh, then I bet
you're a psychologist.

Got me.

I'm a psychology student.

Uh, Chuck, I don't mean to be rude,
but, uh, what are you doing here?

Studying for my psychology test.

Oh. Guess that's as
good a reason as any.

Well, you see, Dean Scranton
gave us this room for the weekend.

Oh. Well, then, I guess I'll just go
sleep at Dean Scranton's house.

Um, oh-oh-oh, just one
thing. Watch this top bunk.

A couple of the
slats are broken.

If you get more than
one person up there,

it can be embarrassing.

- Uh, Chuck, uh...
- Yeah, Bob.

How's the psychology
department here?

Well, it's tough.

It's the toughest course I have.

Here. Take a look at some of
these questions we gotta study.

"Who was the
father of psychology?

"A: George Washington.

"B: Sigmund Freud.

"C: Joseph Psychology.

"D: Joseph Psychology, Jr."

Well, that's an easy one.

It's Joseph Psychology.

Uh, come on. You
know it was Freud?

I do now.

Thanks a lot.

Emily, he wrote the
answer on his hand.

Yeah. Good thing it
was a short answer.

You can't go through life that
way. You'll never learn anything.

You know what I would do if I were
head of the psychology department here?

Make everybody wash
their hands before class.

Yeah, and I'd make sure the
kids learned something worthwhile.

I'd introduce them to
behavior modification,

group therapy,
Gestalt techniques.

And when the kids got
out of here, they'd be ready.

They'd have answers
written all over their body.

Well, thank you for
stopping by, Dr. Rabkude,

and if we ever have a Pakistani psychology
student, then we'll be in touch with you.

We'll... be in
touch... with you.

Oh. Thank you, thank you. And, uh, thank
you very much for the goat sandwiches.

All right.

This whole thing
is a waste of time.

The psychology department
is much too big to begin with.

In fact, it could
stand some pruning.

Do I detect a note of hostility

because the department
head didn't go to you?

It's not a note.
It's a symphony.

Oh, now, now, Eleanor.

You know that the trustees
told us to look outside

rather than to
promote from within.

Oh, yes, and that's
a brilliant idea.

Fresh blood. That's
what we need.

How shall I put this?

"Progress is our most
important product."

Why don't you stick your
head in a light socket?

Ah, good morning.

Oh.

- This must be Dr. Hartley.
- That's right.

I'm Dr. Scranton, the
dean of the college...

and this is one of our senior staff
members, Dr. Eleanor Doctor...

and her colleague,
Dr. Franklin Pipp.

Doctor. Doctor.

Dr. Doctor.

Dr. Doctor: Good morning.

You must get a lot of
ribbing about your name.

Why?

I don't know.

Have a seat, Dr. Hartley.

All right, Doctors...
resume number six.

Ah, yes. The recipe card.

I made it small because I just wanted
to include the highlights of my career.

[laughter]

I see here that you were a
patrol boy in elementary school.

I was almost captain.

Well, now what is a resume?

How can you capture the total
essence of a man on a piece of paper?

One need only say, "I
think, therefore I am."

I was going to put that in.

Well, now, what does it matter?

Really, one man's information
is another man's trivia.

Let's try to find the full
measure of a man. Bob?

What's the most
significant event in your life?

Besides being a patrol boy.

[clears throat] The-the most,
uh, most significant... event.

Yes.

In-in my life.

Yes.

Why are you answering our
questions with a question?

Why, indeed? [nervous laughter]

You seem to be a little
nervous, Dr., uh, Hartley.

A little nervous?

Well, uh, Dr...
Doc-Doctor Doctor...

uh, to be frank, I
am a little nervous.

I've never interviewed
for a job before,

and I'd like to make
a good impression,

because I think I
would really like this job.

Wouldn't we all?

Tell me, Dr. Hartley, what changes would
you make in the psychology department?

Well, after looking
over your campus,

I think I would enlarge
the psychology department

and perhaps move it upwind
from Animal Husbandry.

Absolutely right. The man
knows of what he speaks.

The psychology department
should be enlarged.

Well, it's always
been this size.

I think it should be smaller.

Well, I think-I think
it's good that a...

that a college remains small.

Not-not too small.

And-and I think it-it should-it
should remain the same size.

Unless it gets bigger.

I think it's safe to say that, uh, we
should-we should try to make it, uh, bigger

but at the same time, uh, try to
retain a certain degree of smallness.

But, of course, I'm-I'm
not locked into that.

Anything else, Dr. Hartley?

Yes, I would try to attract
prestigious guest lecturers.

Brilliant.

It can't be done.

Uh, why?

Because.

Oh.

But it's a very
interesting suggestion.

Here's another one.

Uh, I think we should
introduce outdoor seminars.

Absolutely right.

The outdoors are
the doors of the future.

Outdoor seminars.

It can't be done.

Well, actually, it can
be done quite easily.

Instead of holding a
class, say, in a... in a room,

you would, uh,
you would move it...

out-outdoors.

The man's a genius.

I said it can't be done.

Well, it can be done. Where
there's a will, there's a way.

I really love this guy here.

I'm sure you're all familiar
with the story about the little train

that was trying to get up
the hill and kept saying,

"I think I can, I think
I can, I know I can,

"I know I can, I know
I can. Whoo-whoo!"

Well, that little train made it
up the hill because it wanted to,

and I think you can make these
changes in the psychology department

if you want to.

Well, we can certainly put
those ideas into committee.

Who is the head
of the committee?

I am.

Well, Dr. Hartley, we
certainly thank you for coming.

I want to say that
you have my vote.

The little train story just
put you right over the top.

Oh, it's gonna be good to
sleep in a bed without a roof.

Bob, I think we ought
to sell our furniture.

Why?

This is too modern for that
cute little farmhouse I found.

Well, Emily, I don't know
if I'm gonna get the job,

and I don't know if I want
to live in a farmhouse.

Well, all right.

How about that cute little house
on the edge of town, you know,

the one with the white picket
fence and the root cellar?

Oh, what a great city. This
city is spectacular at night.

It had that cute little pine
corner built-in cupboard

that I could put
knick-knacks in.

Oh, there's an ore
boat on the lake!

That lamp would be good, and
we could certainly use this desk.

Ah, no wonder they call it
"the city of the big shoulders."

Look at those big shoulders.

Bob, you hate this city.

Emily, you-you
can't hate Chicago.

I mean, you can quarrel
with it, but you can't hate it.

What about all that
complaining you did about

noise and pollution and
traffic and the bus strike?

Oh, the bus strike was
settled while we were gone.

Yeah, but we're right smack in
the middle of a garbage strike.

Come on, Emily, we can't walk
out on our city in its hour of need.

Bob, you are gonna get a call,

and they're gonna
offer you that job.

Now if you don't
want to take it,

just tell me, and
I'll understand.

I don't want to take it.

I don't understand!

Emily, I thought about
it on the way home.

I mean, Pleasant Acres is nice,
but I don't think I want to live there.

And I don't think I could
work with those people.

Well, why didn't you
tell me that before?

I didn't realize it
until I got home.

You aren't
disappointed, are you?

Well, just a little.

But it's all right.

I'll put some chickens in the
den and a cow on the balcony.

And when the National Threshing
Championships come to Chicago,

I'll sponsor you.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Emily: Hi, Howard.

Well, I met a new best friend.

Congratulations.

Yeah. His name is Warren.
He's a short-order cook in a diner.

Here.

Looks like Gilbert Roland.

Oh, uh, that's Warren.

Ah.

I met him when I
was eating breakfast.

Takes more than breakfast
to make a best friend, Howard.

Yeah, well, I stayed for lunch.

Well, when are you
guys moving to Iowa?

Uh, we're not.

What?

Well, I decided
not to take the job.

Well, what's gonna happen to me?
I'm gonna be stuck with two best friends!

I don't think Warren is
gonna understand this.

Those short-order
cooks are quick to anger.

I'm sure he'll understand, just like
we do. We can all be best friends.

Well, I'll check with Warren.
He may not even like you.

I sure hope Warren likes us.

Why do you hope that?

I don't.

Well, then, why did you say it?

[phone ringing]

Thank God.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Dr. Pitt.

Fine. Fine, thank you.

We had a nice time, too.

Well, I'm glad you
enjoyed the little train story.

I-I got the job.

Well, that's very flattering, but,
uh, I'm going to have to turn it down.

Yeah, I've made up my mind. I like my job
I have, and I like the friends I have here.

Thank you.

Whoo-whoo to you, too.

[panting] Oh, that's it.
I've had it with this place.

[panting] I am not walking
up seven flights of stairs

every day. I am not...
gonna kill myself.

I mean, who do
they think we are?

Who do they think they are?

We pay rent. We
deserve an elevator.

Something should be done.

- Something must be done!
- Something will be done.

Unless they fix those
elevators in five minutes,

I am not responsible
for what's gonna happen.

Oh, that goes double for me.

Great to be back, isn't it, Bob?

You're damn right.

[kitten meowing]