The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 18 - The Heartbreak Kidd - full transcript

[elevator dings]

Oh, good morning,
could I help you?

Well, I'm waiting
for Dr. Hartley.

I'm a psychology student,
and I'm gonna be observing

Dr. Hartley for the
next couple of months.

Oh, you're Veronica Kidd.

That's right, but
everybody calls me Ronny.

Oh, well, Dr. Hartley will
be here in a few minutes.

Oh, I'm so excited.

I just can't wait to meet him.

I bet he's brilliant.



How much?

No, no. No, Bob is a
very intelligent man,

and you'll learn a lot.

Well, I've a lot to learn.

I'll teach you tonight.

Hello, I'm Dr. Robinson, the leading
orthodontist on this entire floor,

but everybody calls me Jerry.

Among other things.

Well, hello, I'm Ronny Kidd.

I'm going to be
observing Dr. Hartley.

Ah, that sounds like fun.

It's kind of like
watching a rock move.

[elevator dings]

That was him. He usually
makes it on the second try.



There he is. Hi, Bob.

Bob.

Oh, you must be Ronny.

Oh, Dr. Hartley, it is such
a pleasure to meet you.

I'm so excited about
this fantastic opportunity.

I would rather have you
than any of the psychologists

who volunteered
for this program.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

Who, uh... How did you...

How did you happen to choose me?

I drew your name out of a hat.

This office is so meaningful.

Well, it's always
meant a lot to me.

I bet there's a deep
psychological reason

why everything is the way it is.

The reason is money.

I didn't have any
when I bought this stuff.

Oh, but it really feels right.

Especially the way you've
got the furniture arranged.

The chair here, the couch there.

Yeah, well, I put the
chair beside the couch

so that, uh, the, uh, couch

and the... the chair would be...

beside each other.

So that the patient
and I would be in, uh...

close proximity to the
couch and the chair.

That's wonderful.

It's something you
learn from experience.

You know, I know that I must
be babbling on like a little kid,

but I feel like I'm working
with Sigmund Freud.

Well, I'm sure it was similar,

except I think Freud
had a leather couch.

You know, I was afraid that you'd
kind of be old fashioned and stuffy,

but I bet your
patients must love you.

Yeah, they do.

Robert Hartley, Ph.D.

Oh, that's what I'm
looking forward to.

A diploma just like yours.

Yeah, except I imagine you
would want your own name on it.

Seriously, Ronny,

what would you
like to talk about?

Well, let's talk
about your technique.

Technique?

Well, I do a lot of testing.

Do you give the Szondi?

The what?

The Szondi test.

Oh, yeah, yeah. The...

If the situation calls for it.

Oh, I would love to see
it. Do you have a copy?

Uh, a copy of my Szondi.

Uh...

Oh, darn it. Somebody
locked my Szondi drawer.

But I... I do have some,
uh, some ink blots.

Ink blots?

Yeah, they're not... they're
not Szondis, but what is?

Isn't it amazing what people see

when they look at ink blots?

In this one, I see hate.

I see an apple.

You know, you're
absolutely right.

Hate doesn't have a stem.

Maybe it's a big, fat spider.

That's... that's what it is.

With... with a stem.

I-I don't know what it is.

I think that it's so great that
a psychologist of your stature

can admit that he
doesn't know everything.

Well, there are a lot
of things I don't know.

Like what?

I don't know.

I'm gonna learn so much here.

I just hope that I
don't get in your way.

Hey, Bob.

There's something
wrong with my bowling ball.

Looks okay to me.

Did you plug it in?

Now that's really stupid.

Are you gonna help me or not?

Well, what's wrong, Howard?

Well, it doesn't
have any holes in it.

Emily, get our bowling
ball drill, will ya?

Emily, will you tell
Bob to stop ribbing me?

Stop ribbing him, Bob.

I'm sorry, Howard,
what do you need?

Well, I'd like to borrow your
bowling ball until I get holes in mine.

Well, why didn't you
say that in the first place?

Can I borrow your bowling ball?

I don't have a bowling ball.

Well, I'll let you borrow mine,

but it doesn't have
any holes in it.

Howard, what do you really want?

Dinner.

I was kind of hoping
you'd invite me,

the bowling ball
was just a diversion.

Oh, well, we can't invite
you to dinner, Howard,

we already invited Ronny.

I know, I want to meet her,
Bob said she's a knockout.

Oh, really?

Never said that to me.

Well, you, uh, you never
asked me if she was a knockout.

- Is she?
- Who?

[knocking]

That must be who now.

Oh, hi.

I'm Howard Borden,
my ball's a diversion.

That's nice.

Hi, Bob.

Hi. Hi, Ronny.

Uh, this is my wife, uh, Emily.

Hello, Ronny.

Hello.

And you've met our diversion.

Uh, yes.

Bob's right, you are a knockout.

Uh, Howard has to have
some holes drilled and,

uh, we'll see him later.

[sighing]

If you really want me
to, I'll stay for dinner.

Right.

Is he going to be okay?

[loud thud]

[Howard screaming]

I think so, that
sounded like a strike.

Did, uh, did you have any
trouble finding our apartment?

No. But I was a little
worried about coming over.

Oh?

There have been so many
robberies in Chicago lately.

I wonder why people
do things like that?

Probably for money.

You're husband's such a sketch.

Uh-huh. Isn't he, though?

He sure is.

Uh, drinks?

Bob, after all those
lunches we've had together,

you know I don't drink.

Yeah. We haven't
had that many lunches.

So, outside of the lunches,

how have things been
going these last few weeks?

Oh, it's just terrific.

Every day is a new
learning experience for me.

Today... today, Bob
interpreted a patient's dream.

Well, that's his business.

Yes, but he said that the dream
didn't necessarily mean anything.

On the other hand, it
could mean something.

But if it did, it could mean
any number of things.

That sounds like Bob.

Who was the patient?

Oh, I don't think Bob
and I can tell you.

It's privileged information.

Emily, it doesn't matter
who the patient was,

he was just a... a dreamer.

So, how's, uh, how's
everything with you?

How's... how's school?

Oh, well, same as usual.

Uh, we did have a
crisis in the cafeteria,

I had to talk to the cook.

The gravy's been lumpy.

I guess, uh, I guess they
put too much flour in it.

No.

They go heavy on the cornstarch.

You know, uh...

it makes the gravy
lumpy and, uh...

kids don't like it.

Well, I can understand that.

So, I, uh...

I had 'em cut down
on the cornstarch.

That should do it.

Fighting mental
illness is so rewarding.

Yeah. Yeah, and, uh, so
is the nutritional balance

in our... our public
school system,

so what, uh, what
else happened, Emily?

Well, Bob, I don't think I
can top that gravy story.

I'll bet you can.

Student brought me an apple.

An apple? An apple?

Did it look like a fat
spider with a stem?

Did I miss something?

Well, it's just kind
of a private joke.

Uh-huh.

Bob and I laugh like this
all the time at the office.

He's so funny.

At the office.

We, uh, we don't
laugh all the time.

No, we work very hard, too.

Today, Bob was teaching
me body language.

Well, Bob certainly
has the body for that.

You know, I never knew that you
can tell how a person feels about you

by the way they sit or stand.

For instance, if a person holds
himself in an open position,

it generally means
that they like you.

That's fascinating.

Tell me more.

Uh, Carol.

Hold on, Betty. I'm
on the other line.

Would you tell Bob I'd
like to see him for a minute?

So, Mary Lou, where were we?

Oh, uh, Jerry, could I
see you for a minute?

Thanks, Carol, you
really do great work.

Mary Lou, I am gonna
have to call you back,

I am just swamped.

Hi, Betty, it is a
mad house here.

Well, what do you
want to talk about?

Ronny.

Me, too. I want to
ask her out tonight.

I'm afraid she wouldn't
be interested, Jerry.

I think she's falling
in love with me.

You, Bob?

That's impossible.

Well, laugh if
you want to, Jerry.

She's showing all the symptoms.

Like what? Blindness?

You know how women get
when they're crazy about you?

They keep doing things for you.

You know, straightening up
my desk, bringing me coffee.

Smiling at me.

Woo, that serious, huh?

Yesterday, she made
me some cookies.

Oh, no, Bob. What
kind of cookies?

Chocolate chip.

That wonton trollop.

Okay, forget it, Jerry.

How can I forget it, Bob?

Someone's plying
my friend with cookies.

Jerry, if she isn't
in love with me,

why is she doing
all these things?

Probably feels
sorry for pudgy guys.

You know, a lot of women
find me very attractive.

Oh, yeah? Who, your wife?

Your mother? You aunt?

To name three.

Bob, you are 45 years old.

Jerry, behind this
45-year-old pudgy facade

lies a deceptively sexy person.

That's amazing.

She saw right through
your clever pudgy disguise.

So far, Jerry, you've
called me fat, old and ugly.

Well, what's the point?

The point is, you're a jerk.

Take it easy, Bob, what
did I do to deserve this?

Bob. Bob, I just got
an "A" on the test,

and it's all because I've
been working with you.

Uh, Ronny, I was wondering if
you wanted to go out tonight?

These three weeks have been
the best three weeks of my life.

Yeah, probably go a little
dancing, then we'd stop...

I can't tell you how much this
relationship has meant to me, Bob.

Wait... wait a
minute, wait a minute,

I'm gonna be busy tonight, why
don't you call me later in the week,

we'll work something out.

Take it easy,
Ronny, take it easy.

I can't, I'm just so
happy that I met you.

Better call early in
the day, sweetheart,

you know, first
come, first served.

- Hi, Emily.
- Hi, Howard.

So, uh, Bob's, uh,
still not home yet, huh.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, uh, I wouldn't worry.

And I wouldn't worry about
what happened at lunch today.

What happened?

Nothing, nothing. I was with
Bob and Ronny the whole time.

Right up until the check came.

Oh, well, I'm not worried.

I, uh, I don't even think,
uh, Ronny likes Bob.

Are you kidding? She loves him.

I thought you'd
be the last to know.

Howard, it's obvious.

Ah, you poor kid.

Go ahead, cry on my shoulder.

Just let the tears flow.

It might make you feel better.

I'm okay, Howard.

It's no problem.

Would you like some coffee?

Oh, sure.

You know, I have to admit,

I was upset at first,

but, you know, then
I realized I was...

I was just being stupid.

Ah, you brave little soldier.

You must be dying inside.

Howard, I trust Bob.

Then fight for him, don't
let her steal your man.

What?

I mean, get yourself
a new wardrobe,

dye your hair,
make yourself taller.

Howard.

I'm tall enough.

Well, you could at
least get a new hat.

You just don't stand
there drinking coffee

while your whole...
Whole world crumbles.

Oh, nothing's crumbling.

Look... Well, I've been around,

and I know, I'm a man,

I mean, men have
certain, uh... urges.

Howard, are you
talking about sex?

That, too.

Emily, in every man's life,
there are three sure things:

birth, death, and
fooling around.

Bob is not the
type to fool around.

Okay, but look out for those...

For those very
subtle tell-tale signs.

What signs?

You're like a babe in the woods.

I mean, lipstick on the collar,

I mean, an earring in the car,

motel key in his pocket.

Well, none of that has happened.

Wow, Bob's trickier
than I thought.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, hi, dear.

No, no, no, I wasn't worried.

Where are you?

Well, sure, I'll believe it.

Well, cars run out of gas.

No kidding.

Right in her driveway, huh?

Well, uh, I'll see you
when you get home.

Yeah, sure, I'll
wait up for you.

You can bet I'll
wait up for you.

Thanks for calling.

It's okay, Ronny's not here yet.

Bob, you can't go through life

being afraid to go
into your own office.

I'm not afraid, Jerry,
I'm just being cautious.

Especially after last night.

What happened last night?

I drove Ronny home,

and the car ran out
of gas in her driveway.

Come on, Bob, that's
the oldest trick in the book.

Did it work?

It's the truth, Jerry.

What did, uh, Emily
say when you got home?

She said, "Get your car tuned,

"your supper's in
the oven, goodnight."

I've got to do something, Jerry,

I-I got to get rid of her.

I'm sorry to hear that, Bob.

I like Emily.

I'm talking about Ronny.

Oh, oh, right.

So, I guess today is, uh, D-day.

Yeah, I... I guess it is.

It's just that I... I don't
know how to do it.

Well, there's only
one right way to do it.

Take her out to the most
expensive restaurant in town,

you order steak dinners for two,

in the middle of the
meal, tell her it's all over,

have the waiter bring her a
doggy bag and send her on her way.

That's nice, Jerry,
it's very classy.

- Hello.
- Hello, there, listen,

Ronny, I'd like you to step into my
office when you're through with Bob,

and you will be.

Bob, I brought this for you.

To a... to a great psychologist,
all my love, Ronny.

And I really mean it.

Thanks. Thank, Ronny.

A lot of people, uh, throw the
word love around these days.

You see it on cake after cake.

Well, it's just my
way of saying...

all my love to a
great psychologist.

Did, uh, did you ever
see the-the movie,

"Marjorie Morningstar"?

Uh, Natalie Wood had this
mad crush on Gene Kelly?

Yeah, yeah. Let's say that, uh,

that I'm Gene Kelly
and you're Natalie Wood.

Why?

Well, because you... you only
think you're in love with me,

but-but you're not,

you're... you're really in
love with Martin Milner.

The guy from "Adam 12"?

Yeah. He was... he was in the
movie "Marjorie Morningstar,"

and he ended up
with Natalie Wood.

Bob, I don't understand.

It's, uh, it's over, Ronny.

That's the... the long
and the short of it.

I love Emily, we have
a terrific marriage.

I think you should
just forget me and...

find Martin Milner.

Wait-wait a minute,
Bob, wait a minute.

You think that I'm
in love with you?

Like love love?

Cakes don't lie.

Well, it's true.

I do love you.

I love you like a father.

Like a... like a father.

Yes, a... a wise,
mature older gentleman

who's given me the benefit
of his years of experience.

You sure you don't love
me like a... a brother?

No. A wise, mature
older gentleman.

[stammers] Okay, okay, Ronny.

I-I get it.

I'm glad you understand.

Sure I... I understand.

Good.

Now, would it be okay with
you if I took the morning off?

My boyfriend's flying in and I'd
like to meet him at the airport.

You... you never
mentioned your boyfriend.

Well, yes, Danny. He's terrific.

We're gonna be married, Bob.

I just hope he ages as
gracefully as you have.

Well, the secret is try to not
fall out of your rocking chair

and break a hip.

Emily, I, uh, I have a
confession to make.

What?

I'm old.

That's the confession?

I'm old and I can't
touch my toes anymore.

That's two confessions.

Right, there's a...
There's third confession.

I thought there might be.

I should have mentioned
it earlier but, uh,

I was trying to
keep it a secret.

I thought, uh, Ronny
was in love with me.

Oh, yes, that child.

But, uh, she wasn't. She
thought of me as a... as a brother.

An older brother.

An old older brother.

I made a fool of
myself, Emily, and, uh,

you know the old saying.

"There's no fool
like an old fool."

I hate that saying.

But it's true.

I mean, I'm falling
apart, I'm over the hill,

I've... I've got wrinkles.

Where?

Under my eyes when I smile.

Go on, smile.

No, I don't... I
don't feel like it.

I look like, uh, an
old Indian woman.

Come on, Bob.

That's a nice smile.

You know, that's the nicest
smile I've seen in many moons.

Bob, you're very attractive.

I'm no Martin Milner.

No, I'd say you're more,
uh, the Paul Newman type.

Oh, come on.

I'll tell you one thing.

Your eyes are a
lot bluer than his.

Come on.

That one is.

You... you're just trying
to make me feel good.

Oh, come on, Bob, I know women,

and Ronny was
so in love with you

she couldn't see straight.

She... she had a
boyfriend, Danny.

Sure, for protection.

She knew she
wasn't gonna get you,

and she didn't want to get hurt.

I don't believe that.

You really think so?

How could anyone
resist an eye that blue?

I guess you're right.

You got it, you got it.

And you got it.

Right.

I'm not getting older,
I'm getting better.

Goodnight, Emily.

Uh, Carol, any messages?

Yeah, but not for you.

For Bob.

Uh, Ronny called.

She says she's doing
great back at school,

and her professors
love her cookies.

Yeah, she had great cookies.

Too bad she
dumped you, old timer.

She didn't dump me, Jerry,
she was in love with me,

she was trying to hide it.

She wasn't in love with you,

she was in love with me.

Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, yeah?

Let's ask an impartial observer.

Carol, you gorgeous
hunk of femininity you.

Let's say that you were
trapped on a desert island,

and you could only
be with one of us,

who would you pick?

I'd pick Paul Newman.

Close enough for me.

Wait a minute.

How do you know she meant you?

Are you kidding?

With this eye?