The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 19 - Death Be My Destiny - full transcript

I don't know, you
know, Dr. Hartley?

I just can't seem
to get anywhere.

Well, uh, maybe
you just don't try.

No, I think it's
because I don't drive.

Weren't you going to
take driving lessons?

Uh, yeah, I started
taking lessons yesterday.

Well, that's good.

Yeah, but I quit today, because,

I was almost in an accident.

But you weren't
actually in an accident.

Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.



You don't have
to say you're sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I mean, I'm sorry
I said I was sorry.

Uh, before those
last two sorry's.

For what?

For everything.

Look, Mr. Herd, if you
blame yourself for everything,

you wind up being afraid
of your own shadow.

Yeah.

Mr. Herd, you want to sit down?

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah.

I'd like to tell you about something
that happened in my childhood.

Oh, great. I love
to hear your stories.

I used to play baseball,



and on the other team was a
pitcher named Eddie DiMaggio.

A familiar name?

Oh, yeah. I know a couple
of guys named Eddie.

And Eddie had a reputation
for throwing a beanball.

Uh-oh. Heavens to Betsy.

So, the first time I
get in the batter's box,

he rifles a shot at
my head, and I duck.

Oh, woo!

See, he missed, but
it was a near miss.

The point was, I got up again
and got back in the batter's box.

Jumpin' Jiminy, what happened?

Well, he nailed me in the ankle.

Great Caesar's ghost!

But the important
thing is, I didn't quit.

Until the third inning, when my ankle
started to swell up like a cantaloupe.

Whuh! What a great story.

Thank you very much.

Well, I'm afraid our time is up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mr. Herd, I really wish you'd
reconsider driving lessons.

I'd rather stay in my room.

There's no reason
to be afraid of driving.

I'm not afraid of driving.
I'm afraid of crashing.

Oh. Um, yeah. I'm sorry.

You can learn to drive,
Mr. Herd. Just be positive.

Okay, I'll give it a try.

See you next week, Mr. Herd.

If I'm still alive.

I'll put that down as a maybe.

You can do it, Mr. Herd.

Oh, sure, driving's a snap.
Jerry taught me in no time.

It was our nation's
darkest hour.

Here we go again.

You run over one little garbage
can, you're marked for life.

It was not my fault.

Yeah, some jerk put his garbage
can right on his front porch.

Everybody doesn't
hit garbage cans.

Or hydrants, or houses,

or trees, or fences,
or newsboys...

I'll be in my room.
I'll be in my room.

- Oh, hi, dear.
- Hi, honey.

Hi.

What do you got?

Oh, a little something for you.

For me?

Aw, thank you.

Throat lozenges?

Yeah, Dr. Collins had
some free samples.

Bob, this is so touching.

Aren't you gonna ask
me about my checkup?

Sure, when I get through being
overwhelmed by your incredible generosity.

So, how was your checkup?

Terrific. He gave me a
really thorough examination,

said I had a fine heart, wonderful
kidneys, and a dynamite spleen.

Aw. Well, I've always
been proud of your spleen.

Bob, Emily, my
plane hit an air pocket.

It was the worst thing
that ever happened to me.

It went up and down
all over the place.

Howard, slow down.

Bob... Emily...

- my plane hit an air pocket.
- Howard.

Well, it was the worst thing
that ever happened to me.

I was petrified.

Oh, Howard, you've
hit air pockets before.

Yeah, but this one
had my name on it.

I'm not gonna go
up in a plane again.

You mean you're
gonna quit, just like that?

Yeah, quit and get
a job at a shoe store.

Why?

Shoe stores don't crash.

Howard, let me
tell you a little story.

When I was a kid, I
used to play baseball.

Is this the Eddie
DiMaggio story?

Yeah.

Well, I already heard it.

We both have.

And I don't understand it.

Neither do I.

It's that you shouldn't
give up so easily.

I'm not gonna give up. I'm just gonna
work in a shoe store for a couple years.

Oh, Howard, you're
a born navigator.

That's true.

You just can't quit because
you've had one bad experience.

That's true.

I mean, you love to
fly, you're always flying.

That's true.

Well, I'll think about it.

Look, Howard, you mean
you're gonna chicken out

and sell shoes
the rest of your life?

Or are you gonna be a navigator and
soar like an eagle? What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna do both. I'm gonna
sell shoes and Navigators.

You know, Emily, we're
lucky we don't have the outlook

that Howard and many
of my patients have.

How lucky are we?

Well, very lucky.

We've got each other,
we've got our health

and one of us has
a dynamite spleen.

Hi, Dr. Hartley.

I hope I didn't startle you.

No, no. I just
thought we had mice.

Well, yeah, I was just
in the neighborhood,

the general area, and I
just wanted to show you...

Here.

Oh, a wallet. That's very nice.

Look inside.

Oh, a driver's
license. That's terrific.

Thanks.

Mr. Herd, you don't have
to stand in the doorway.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mr. Herd.

Mr. Herd, you want to come in?

Oh, in. Oh, I
misunderstood you. I'm sorry.

Well, you must be very proud,

now that you have
a driver's license.

Yeah. I feel like a man
who swallowed a smile.

That's very nice. I've
never heard that phrase.

I made it up. I'm sorry.

You don't have to be
sorry about anything.

I mean, you're a man
who has done something

- that was very difficult
for him to do.
- Yeah.

Well, now that you've
conquered driving,

there must be some other
new things you'd like to try.

Well, I'm afraid of new things.

I mean, that's why
I bought a used car.

Mr. Herd, when are you
gonna come out of your shell?

Just cut loose, try
something totally wild.

Well, you know, I
have my wild side.

You know, just the...
Just the other day

I mean, I went to the library

and when nobody was
looking, I talked real loud.

Right. Well, there are other
exciting... more exciting things to do,

like, oh, skiing,
canoeing, tap dancing.

Oh, tap dancing scares
the daylights out of me.

Mr. Herd, you're a man
who talked loud in a library.

Oh, let's face it, Dr. Hartley.

I'm afraid to live
and I'm afraid to die

and I'm afraid to laugh
and I'm afraid to cry.

Everything. I'm
afraid of everything.

Well, Mr. Herd, the only
thing you have to fear

is fear itself.

That's my worst fear.

Fear.

Ah! Oh.

Mr. Herd, you're just
afraid of new experiences.

Have you ever gone up to someone
you don't know and just say, "Hello"?

Well, suppose they laugh at me?

Well, then you laugh back.

Oh. Yeah, but what if
they laugh back again?

Then you laugh back again.

Remember, he who
laughs last laughs loudest.

Boy, I don't know where
you come up with this stuff.

That's great!

Hello.

Oh, uh...

This is fun. I like it.

Carol, I'm sorry. I
just cannot let you go.

These bills have to get out.

Jerry, Mr. Pierre
is waiting for me.

You can pick up your car later.

Mr. Pierre is not a
mechanic. He is a hairdresser.

If he does your hair,
he's a mechanic.

About these bills...

You know, Jerry, sometimes
you can be very mean.

I'm sorry, Carol.

I like your hair. I
really like your hair

and I don't think
you should change it.

Really? You like it this length?

- I love it.
- You know, I kinda like it
myself.

It's taken me a long
time to grow it this long.

I think it's the perfect length,
but Larry likes it shorter.

I don't know, maybe I can get another
permanent and then have it, uh...

Welded?

Do your own bills.

Why don't you
two stop bickering?

It is too fine a day
to waste it bickering.

I mean, life is too
short. Learn to enjoy it.

Oh, if it isn't Little
Mary Sunshine.

I happen to be in
a very good mood.

- Well, we're not.
- I feel terrific.

We don't.

I'm on top of the world.

I am strong. I am invincible.

You are woman.

- Let's hear you roar.
- Let's hear you leave.

Okay, I will leave.

As a matter of
fact, I feel so good,

I'm gonna take
the afternoon off.

Jerry! Carol!

Come on, Bob.
We're working here.

Stop hanging around.

Oh, hi, dear.

Am I glad you're home.

I had the most wonderful
day. Not only was school great,

but I found this new
supermarket with great bargains.

Bob, look at these
cans of peaches.

28 cents, regularly 58 cents.

And you know how
you always hunted

in the refrigerator for
maraschino cherries?

Well, hunt no more,
my friend. Look at this.

Four jars, two green, two red.

You will never
have to hunt again.

But that's not
the best of it, Bob.

I saved the best for last.

Look at this. Sardines.
Six cans for a dollar.

The man said they're fresh off the
boat. What do you say about that?

I was almost killed.

What?

Uh, nothing. Nothing.

What do you mean, nothing?

You just said you
were almost killed.

How can you say
you were almost killed

and expect me to accept
"Nothing" for an answer, Bob?

What happened?

I was almost killed.

What do you mean,
you were almost killed?

I was killed, but not quite.

Well, what happened?

What happened?
I was almost killed!

I went to get in the
elevator, and it wasn't there,

and I had to cling onto
the cables for dear life.

Oh, no, Bob, how'd you get out?

It wasn't easy.

I inched my way down the cables

till I got down to
the floor below.

That's where the elevator was,

and I let myself
in the trapdoor.

Oh, thank goodness
you're here and you're safe.

Emily, I was almost
touched by Father Death.

That's Father Time,
Bob. It's Old Man Death.

No, it's Old Man River.

Are you sure?

Well, whoever he was, Emily,

I felt icy fingers up
and down my spine.

That's "Old Black Magic."

Hi, everybody. What's happening?

I was almost killed.

Really?

I almost fell down
an elevator shaft.

Boy, you could get killed.

I don't want to talk about it.

Okay, let's eat.

I am never getting in
another elevator again.

Oh, honey, come on now.
Lightning only strikes once.

Well, with lightning,
once is plenty.

What I mean is, just because
you've had one bad experience,

it doesn't mean you should
never get on an elevator again.

What's the difference? You
could get killed anyplace.

You could slip in your bathtub,
you could trip on the rug,

you could get
electrocuted by your toaster.

How could that happen?

Put in wet bread.

Even a loose cap on your
salt shaker could be your doom.

Oh, come on, Howard.

No, I'm serious. Say you're
eating, uh, meatloaf, see,

and, uh, well, it
needed salt, see,

so you start to salt it
and the cap falls off.

And you go down
to pick it up... Whack!

Oo! You get it right in the
head and you fall over like this,

and then you slip on
the roller skates, yikes!

And you go backwards
like this, you sail backwards,

you trip over the stairs,

you get tangled, your neck
like this, into the drapes, see,

and there you are, just
dangling into the wind like this

until Mother Death comes
a-knocking at your door.

Howard, we don't
have any roller skates.

Well, then Bob will never die.

Howard, will you cut out the
horror stories and let's have dinner?

I'm sorry.

I don't know, I
guess Emily's right.

Just because I had one
nerve-shattering experience

doesn't mean I have to
live the rest of my life in fear.

Mm. That smells
good. What is it?

It's meatloaf.

Meatloaf? Oh, no!

Howard, pass the salt, will you?

Howard, would you
mind getting that?

Watch out. They're...
Watch out. There

There are two.
There are four of 'em.

There are four of 'em.
One... The other car.

Let... Don't let 'em out.

Bob.

Honey, what's the matter?

Oh, I was... I was
having a nightmare.

What was it about?

I was in this, uh, this
rowboat on this empty lake,

and there was a vulture
perched on the rowboat

and it kept going, "Caw! Caw!"

I don't think vultures
go, "Caw! Caw!"

Emily, do you mind?

It was my nightmare.

And he was going, "Caw! Caw!"

And then, all of a sudden,

the boat seemed to just
glide by itself to this island,

and the only person there
was this tall, gaunt man

dressed all in black.

- Did he have a guitar?
- No.

Oh, I thought it might
have been Johnny Cash.

He was wearing a hood,

and in one hand
he had a tombstone,

and in the other hand
he had an hourglass,

and the sand was running out,

and in the other
hand he had a sickle.

He had three hands?

He had four hands. The
other one was flipping a coin.

Then his face loomed
from out of the fog,

and he said two words to me.

What'd he say?

"Hi, Bob."

Oh, well, I mean, at
least he was friendly.

Friendly? Friendly? He
led me to this bottomless pit,

and he pushed me in,

and I kept falling and falling.
I kept trying to say something.

Finally, I was
able to scream out.

Well, what did you say?

"Caw! Caw!"

Emily, I... I don't want to die.

Well, of course not,
honey. Nobody does.

Yeah, but I feel
like a marked man.

You know how
things come in threes?

What's that got to do with it?

Well, first De Gaulle dies,
then Mao. I could be next.

Bob, what are you doing?

I'm looking for
my army dog tags.

Why?

I wore them during the Korean
War, and I was never killed.

You never left Fort
Dix, New Jersey.

People die in New Jersey.

Honey, come back to bed.

All right.

You know, Emily, aren't
you afraid of dying?

Well, sure, but I just try
and think of it as part of life.

Yeah, the last part.

Honey, go to sleep. You'll
feel better in the morning.

What if I don't wake up?

Then give my regards
to Johnny Cash.

You're still afraid of
the elevator, huh, Bob?

No, I'm not afraid. I just
enjoy walking up the stairs.

- Is Mr. Herd here?
- What?

Mr. Herd! Mr. Herd! Is he here?

He's in your office.

I can't believe it. A grown
man afraid of an elevator.

I'm not afraid of anything.

I mean, I've conquered my fears.

If death were to look me
in the face, I would laugh.

There's room for one more.

Good morning.

What happened to you?

I took your advice
and went skiing.

Actually, I went falling.

I shouldn't have
told you to do that.

Oh, why not? I had a great time.

You enjoyed breaking your leg?

Well, no, that
wasn't the best part.

But, you know, going
down the mountain was.

With the wind blowing in my
face and the snow flying around me

it was the best
four feet of my life.

I had to spend the rest of
the weekend in the ski lodge.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, that's okay.

I made a lot of new friends. They
even gave me a new nickname.

"Mad Dog Herd."

Well, I feel terrible, Mr. Herd.

Uh, Mad Dog. You know.

You know, maybe
you were just lucky.

Maybe you should
quit while you're ahead.

Are you kidding? I'm going skiing
again as soon as my leg heals.

And then I'm gonna go
canoeing down a rapids.

Then what?

Tap dancing.

You're just tempting fate.

Maybe you shouldn't take so
many unnecessary chances.

Dr. Hartley... what's
happened to you?

Me? Uh, not much.

Oh, I almost fell
down an elevator shaft,

but it was, you
know, it was nothing.

You could've been hurt.

I could've been killed.

It was terrifying.

Yeah, but I'll bet you got
right back on that elevator

and you shook your
fist at Uncle Death, huh?

I didn't get right
back on the elevator.

I mean, I could've gotten
right back on the elevator,

but it's real good exercise to
walk up and down the stairs.

Bean dip!

Dr. Hartley, let
me tell you a story

that happened to
me when I was a kid.

You know, I used
to play baseball,

and there was this pitcher
named Eddie DiMaggio.

Familiar name?

I told you that story.

Well, I know that, but I don't have
any childhood stories of my own, so...

I didn't think you'd mind
if I borrowed it, you know?

Be my guest.

Well, anyway, the important
thing is to get back on that elevator.

I'll do it at lunch...
later this week.

You gotta do it now.

Well, I don't wanna...

Don't wanna disrupt,
you know, our session.

Come on, Dr. Hartley.
Stand up to your fears.

I'm, uh... I'm standing, and, uh

I mean, I'm not
afraid of anything.

I mean, it's just an elevator,
you know. What's an elevator?

It's just a big metal box

suspended in midair
by... by thin cables,

real thin cables.

I've got a lot of
paperwork to do.

Come on, Dr. Hartley.
Do it for Mad Dog.

Come on.

Session over already?

No, Dr. Hartley's going
down on the elevator.

Oh, let me pack a parachute.

Don't you have a
welding appointment?

I'll miss it for this.

Come on now, Dr. Hartley,
there's nothing to it.

- See?
- Yeah, I'm convinced.

Dr. Hartley.

I want you in here, and
I want you in here now!

Please?

Well, that was easy.

Uh-uh-uh.

Goodbye, Dr. Hartley.

Couldn't you just
say, "So long"?

Oh, Mr. Herd, I'm so impressed.

I've never seen you so forceful.

Well, Carol, I remembered something
that happened to me when I was a kid.

I used to play baseball,
and there was this pitcher

named Eddie DiMaggio.
Familiar name?

I'm gonna get you
for this, Mad Dog.

Hi, honey. I'm home.

Hi, dear. How was your day?

It had its ups and downs.

Oh, Bob, you rode
on the elevator!

Yeah, I got to
thinking it's silly.

Now I've had two brushes with
death. I shouldn't be afraid of anything.

I've looked Death in
the eye, and I laughed.

Caw! Caw! Caw!

Aw, that's the old Bob
Hartley I know and love.

Just call me Mad Dog.

- What's for dinner?
- Gravy Train.

You're pulling
my tail, aren't you?

Actually, I thought we
might go out to dinner.

Oh, I was kinda hoping to have
something here and watch TV.

Well, I suppose I could
toss something together.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Johnny Cash!

I'll see you in the car, Emily.

Bob, I'm going with you.

I'm taking the stairs.