The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 20 - Taxation Without Celebration - full transcript
Bob not only forgets to do his taxes but also forgets his wedding anniversary. Emily plans a surprise trip.
Oh, how's it going, Bob?
Uh, fine.
I just have this
strange feeling I've
you know, I've
forgotten something.
Your socks?
I just feel like I, um,
should have a string
tied around my finger.
That's what you forgot. String.
No, it's-it was
bigger than that.
Rope?
There's-there's no coffee.
That's what you forgot.
You forgot to make coffee.
Oh.
Hey, Carol, did my
tax refund come yet?
Nope.
Taxes!
That's what it is. I
haven't done my taxes.
You're kidding, Bob. You only
got three days left to turn them in.
I mean, how could
I forget my taxes?
They say that after 40
the brain starts to go.
I-I-I can't believe it.
Those little cells just die
off. They're irreplaceable.
Oh, Bob, I brought you your
wallet. You left it at the poker game.
The cells are
dropping off like flies.
Honey, do you want to
hear something funny?
What?
Bob forgot to do his taxes.
[all laugh]
Boy, Bob, are you in trouble.
The forms are so
complicated this year.
It took me forever to do ours.
That's really
encouraging, Larry.
Just think, honey.
Our first joint return.
Oh. Someday we may have tiny
dependants running around the house.
Yeah.
Just pretend this
isn't happening.
The pitter-patter
of little deductions.
You want us to leave the room?
Would you?
Oh, that's okay,
Jerry. I've gotta go.
I never knew taxes
were such a turn-on.
Maybe someday we'll
be audited together.
Bob, I just thought of
something else you forgot.
What?
What happens the
day your taxes are due?
I-I drink a lot.
It's your anniversary, Bob!
Anniversary of what?
Wedding anniversary.
I completely forgot.
I figure the man's brain has
shrunk to the size of a walnut.
What are you gonna get Emily?
She's your wife.
I know!
I really haven't-I haven't
given it much thought.
Which anniversary is this, Bob?
Uh, it's... the
third or the ninth.
When-when was I married, Carol?
Seven years ago.
Oh, then-then it
would be our, um...
Seventh.
Seventh.
Boy, if Larry forgot my
anniversary, I'd really be miffed.
Yeah, but you'd be sympathetic
if his brain were
rotting away like...
Jerry.
I only forgot two things: our
anniversary and my taxes.
And your wallet.
All right. I-I forgot
three things.
Uh, Carol, uh, call Emily at home
and tell her to get out my tax stuff.
She's not at home.
She's at school.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
I-I go in here, right?
Emily: Howard
in three days, it's Bob's
and my anniversary
and I wondered if you could
help me with his anniversary gift.
Get him a salami.
Now why didn't I think of that?
Well, you've been busy.
I had lunch with Bob twice
last week and both times
he ordered salami on
rye. He loves salami.
Well, maybe I'll get
him a salami next year.
This is the year I'm gonna
take him to San Francisco.
Really? How long are
you gonna be gone?
Just one night.
Hope you make all the lights.
Emily: [laughter]
Howard, we're flying.
You're going to get on a plane?
Yeah. I just decided
I'm gonna close my eyes
and not pay any
attention to where I am.
That's what I do.
Well, anyway, Howard,
could you get us the tickets?
Well, I hadn't planned on spending
that much money on your gift.
I was going to get
him a salami slicer.
Howard, I'll pay
for the tickets.
Oh, it'll be so
romantic. Just one night.
A little dancing, a
nice intimate dinner.
I bet he orders salami.
Howard? Will you
get us the tickets?
Well, our airline only flies
freight to San Francisco.
I could get you in
baggage section.
It would be cold but cheap.
Never mind, Howard. I'll
ask Carol to get the tickets
through Larry's travel agency.
Do me a favor. Do not
mention one word of this to Bob.
I really want it
to be a surprise.
Oh, my lips are sealed.
Oh, uh, hi, Bob. We were just
talking, uh, about the weather.
Yeah, but you never
do anything about it.
Yeah.
It's uh, it's warm
in San Francisco.
Well, I'd better get
started on my taxes.
This box is filled with dirt.
Yeah, that's my
special plant dirt.
Oh, I thought it was
just run-of-the-mill dirt.
My, uh, my canceled checks
are supposed to be in this box.
Yeah, well, I had
to switch boxes
because the box I had
my dirt in was broken.
Well, where do I
find my tax stuff?
Buried in a fern?
In the den.
Uh... no, Bob. That's not right.
Of course not.
No, I didn't put your
canceled checks in the dirt box.
I, uh, I put it in the
pots and pans box.
- Fine.
- Where are you going?
I'm going in the kitchen to
get the pots and pans box.
Well, why would I put the pots
and pans box in the kitchen?
I was just playing a hunch.
Emily, let me ask
you just one question.
Where will I find my
box of canceled checks?
In the storage locker.
Of course.
And what label is on the box?
I didn't put a label on it, Bob.
I didn't want to confuse you.
Bob, don't tell me you're
still doing your taxes.
Today's the 14th.
Yeah, Jerry, I'm trying to
stretch them out as long as I can
'cause I'm having so much fun.
How much money
did you make last year?
Don't you think that's
a little personal, Jerry?
I made, uh, $58,000.
$58,000?
Off year.
Yeah, I-I had an off year, too.
Well, I'm getting a bundle back
for a refund. What about yourself?
- A bundle.
- Yeah.
Could go as high
as, uh, 100 bucks.
I'm getting $6,000.
- How'd you do that?
- Business deductions.
Wrote off all my
office furniture.
Sofa, coffee table, stereo.
But, Jerry, you don't have
any of that stuff in your office.
Yeah, I know. It
doesn't fit in there
so I had to store it in my
apartment for a few years.
Okay, Bob, what'll it be?
Love in the Afternoon?
Nights of Passion?
Boy, some people'd
do anything for a raise.
Emily's anniversary present,
if you don't mind. Perfume.
Far out! Perfume as
an anniversary present!
Who would've thought of that?
All right now, Bob. You
choose the one you like best
and I'll take the others back.
Fine.
Love in the Afternoon.
"One whiff turns a man
into a lusting, wild animal."
$60 an ounce.
Next bottle.
This one's called
Nights of Passion.
[snorts] For Bob? [laughs]
Jerry, uh, Emily and I have been known
to have our moderately passionate nights.
Oh, mercy.
This one is Just Friends. You
should give it to a close acquaintance.
That's more your speed, Bob.
Don't you have
some teeth to look at?
If you want me to go,
Bob, you just say so.
- Go.
- Could you be more specific?
Now.
All right.
Okay, now, Bob, what'll it be?
Now, this one is $60 an ounce
that one's $40
and Just Friends
is $7.50 a pint.
I'm not sure Emily
needs a whole pint.
Emily: - Hi. - Hi!
How are the taxes coming?
Oh, they're-they're
gonna be okay.
What brings you down here?
Well, Carol and I
are having lunch.
Oh. I wish I could join you.
Bring me back a salami
on rye, would you?
Bob just loves salami.
Well, the wife is
always the last to know.
See you later, honey.
Did you get the ickets-tay?
"Ickets Day"?
Uh... yeah. Ickets Day.
It's a national
holiday for Ickets.
Yeah, I think I've heard of it.
Oh, what-what's all the perfume?
Uh...
Oh, uh, Carol's been
doing such a good job lately,
I thought I'd get
her a little gift.
- Oh.
- The man's a prince.
Here, Carol. Here's
a pint of Just Friends.
Ugh! That's great if
your friend's a sheep.
Oh, here, Carol. Take this.
Oh, no, it's kind of expensive.
Well, you deserve it.
That's true.
You'll probably be wanting
to wear it on your next job.
I'll wait for you outside.
[door closing]
Speaking of presents, Bob
when are you gonna
get my anniversary gift?
What makes you think I
haven't gotten it already?
Because I went through the
apartment with a fine-tooth comb.
And because I don't want
perfume again this year.
Well, now, see, that's
gonna be a problem.
I-I was gonna get
it this afternoon, but
I have to march in the
annual Ickets Day Parade.
Yeah, I'm the, uh,
I'm the Grand Icket.
"Use 1040" in conjunction
with Form 24-D.
"Subtract line 63e
"unless you are income averaging
"in which case you're
using the wrong form."
Give me the sports
page, will you?
You won't find the
answers in there.
Yeah, you're right.
Give me the comics.
Honey, why don't you
just sit down and finish it?
You'll feel better.
Sure, it's easy for you to sit
there and tell me to finish it.
Well, you want me to help you?
No, I'll... I'll do it.
I-I enjoy doing it.
Just... Just don't
enjoy doing it fast.
[knocking on door]
Thank God. I'll get it.
No-no-no-no, I'll get it.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, Emily. Hi, Bob.
How nice to see you.
Yeah, it's great-great
to see you.
Oh, we just came over to
drop off your anniversary gift.
Well, thank you.
That's very nice.
Yeah, well, come on
in. Sit down, stay a while.
- Thank you.
- Make yourself comfortable.
Well, what can I get you?
How about I, uh, make
you some brownies?
Bob was just trying to
avoid doing his taxes.
Oh, hey, listen, you can
open the gift tomorrow.
We don't want to hold you up.
No-no, no, no, no problem.
I hope you like it.
Aw, that's... Aw, that's great.
Nice.
Ver-very nice.
Oh, it's just
terrific. Thank you.
Very, very much.
It's... a yogurt-maker.
Oh! Of course it is.
Well, let's make some.
[laughs]
Or you could finish
doing your taxes.
You really want to
make some yogurt?
Oh, more than anything.
It takes a long time to make.
Well, the longer the better.
Okay, now. First we need
some homogenized milk
and do you have
any yogurt culture?
No.
I-I'll be right back.
Bob. Bob, where are you going?
I'm going to Yogurt
City to get some culture.
You know, this is ridiculous.
Well, maybe we should go.
I-I can't do my
taxes without yogurt.
Bob, that little thing makes
any flavor you can think of.
Go on. Just think of a flavor.
Uh... raspberry.
It makes that.
Strawberry.
Yep. Yep.
Cucumber.
Oh, it makes that one best.
Oh, my favorite!
Bob, you hate cucumbers.
I love cucumber yogurt.
Bob, have you ever
had papaya yogurt?
You know, I haven't.
[kissing sound]
Uh, come on, Larry.
We'd better go.
Okay?
Mango. Mm.
I wonder if it works
with, uh, lowfat milk.
I don't know.
- I'd better check...
- Bob.
Yeah, I think I'll get,
uh, back to my taxes.
Although some yogurt
would have really hit the spot.
Just a thought.
Hi. Turn on your TV set.
Oh, Howard, Bob's working.
I know, but it's the last
episode of "Sick Man, Well Man."
Well, why don't you
watch it on your own set?
Well, Bob told me
to come over here.
Well, I think we owe it to
ourselves to see the last episode.
What-what's it called, Howard?
"Sick Man, Well Man."
Anyway, it's about
these two brothers.
One is sick all the time, see
and the other drills oil wells.
Sounds good.
Good? In the last episode,
see, the sick brother,
he got very, very nauseous,
and if that wasn't bad enough,
he got a cold.
Wow.
Yeah, and then you know
what happened to Frank?
Frank was gonna leave
all his money to charity, see
and then he changed his mind!
You're kidding.
Bob, what are you doing now?
I-I was just gonna
get a sharp pencil.
Ha! Here it comes.
TV announcer: As
tonight's episode begins
Rhonda, who was married
to Frank but loved Donald
decides to tell Donald
that she can't leave Frank
until his cold gets better.
- Is Bob back from lunch?
- No. And don't go in.
Emily and their chauffeur
are hiding in there.
A chauffeur? I thought
he had a bad year.
She's waiting to surprise him.
She hired a limo to
whisk him to the airport
and then they fly away to San
Francisco for their anniversary.
Well, that's just stupid.
Why doesn't she get
him something useful
and, if possible, deductible.
Like what?
I don't know. A new spit sink.
You sentimental fool, you.
- Hi, Bob.
- Hi.
I see you finally got
Emily her gift, huh?
- Yep.
- What is it?
Meat.
And why not?
This happens to be
two Porterhouse steaks.
I'm gonna barbecue
them for her tonight.
What are you gonna get her
for Christmas? Vegetables?
[Carol laughs]
As a matter of fact, I
picked something else out.
I'm gonna give it
to her after dinner.
What, mints?
Jerry, I'd love to stay and
continue this meaningful dialogue
but, frankly, I
can't be bothered.
Me, either.
Me, either. But I'm trapped.
Surprise!
Happy anniversary!
Yeah, Bob. Surprise.
I-I-I-I don't think I know you.
No, this is Kyle, our chauffeur.
Of course.
How are you, Kyle?
Great.
See, Kyle is gonna
take us to the airport.
Then we're gonna fly to San
Francisco just for the night.
It's so romantic.
It's wonderful.
- Kyle's gonna do all that?
- Yeah.
We gotta leave right now, Bob.
We're gonna be in San Francisco
in time to see the sun set
on the Golden Gate Bridge.
That's a sight to see, Bob.
Would you excuse
me for just a minute?
He's overcome.
Oh, isn't this exciting?
You think this is something,
wait'll he gives you your gift.
Oh?
I forgot my taxes.
Didn't you finish them yet?
Well, I was going to finish
them this morning, but
I had to go out and
shop for your present.
Oh, uh, here it is.
Oh!
It's a box of meat.
That's a nice touch, Bob.
Practical. It's not
too ostentatious.
[sighs] There's the
Golden Gate Bridge.
Good.
I think I see the Cannery.
Good.
Oh, there's Fisherman's Wharf.
Good.
Adolf Hitler is
attacking the fishermen.
Good.
Hm?
Would I like to have an
intimate, candlelit dinner?
Well, of course.
If it's with you, Captain
Romance. [chuckles]
Oh, you always say my
hair gleams in the moonlight.
Well, I know it does, but
it's just the way you say it.
Oh, how romantic!
Blindfolded Gypsy violinists.
Of course you can kiss me.
Take me, I'm yours.
[kisses]
Did Mr. Carlin ever
use our bathroom?
Who gives a damn?
Well, if he did, I can deduct
the soap for business purposes.
[knocking on door]
- Bellboy.
- It's the bellboy.
Oh, don't disturb
yourself, Bob. I'll get it.
Gift from a Howard
Borden, navigator first class.
Oh, how sweet.
I'd like to read the
card to you, if I may.
"Happy anniversary. Howard."
Did you hear that, Bob?
It's our anniversary.
Shall I open it for you?
Sure.
It's a salami!
I love salami.
Oh, listen. Will you-will you
come back and bring some, uh
rye bread and a knife?
Sure.
Uh, uh, for-forget the knife.
And-and, uh
and the rye bread. Just
forget everything. Just
take-take your tip and,
just-just get out. Get out.
I-I'll just be a
couple more minutes.
You've got 30 seconds.
Emily, you don't realize the
importance of the individual income tax.
I mean, it keeps
America on the move.
It builds our libraries, our
highways, our bridges, our tunnels.
You got 15 seconds.
Come here.
I'm not in the mood.
Come on.
Oh... [Emily chuckles]
What's our zip code?
We're going to have
separate zip codes.
Emily, I have to
know our zip code.
60611.
6061...?
- 1!
- 1.
I am finished.
I don't believe it.
Maybe I'd better
check my figures.
Or, uh
maybe I ought to, uh, I
ought to give you your
anniversary present.
I hope it's a brisket.
It's a ring. [chuckles]
Oh, Bob, it's
beautiful. Thank you.
[kissing]
Mm.
- Happy anniversary.
- Yeah.
You know, Bob
it's too late to go
out to dinner, and, uh
our flight doesn't
leave for several hours.
Oh, good. We could,
uh take a short nap.
Mm.
I'm-I'm bushed.
Why don't I just
go slip into my ring.
Yeah, uh, go ahead and I'll, uh
I'll pour some wine.
[door closes]
When, uh, when did
you say our flight was?
At two in the morning.
Well, good, 'cause it's only
it's only 11:30.
Oh, my God.
Taxes have to be
postmarked by midnight.
What?
Uh, I'll be-I'll be
back as soon as I can.
Help-help yourself to the wine.
[door closing]
Well... happy
anniversary, Emily.
Look, this is silly. I mean
you flew me all the way out to
San Francisco for a romantic evening
and I've, uh, I've ignored
you the whole night.
Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.
So, uh
why don't we walk down
to the post office together?
Good morning, Carol.
Hi, Bob. How was your
trip to San Francisco?
Oh, terrific.
You know the main post office
there is totally computerized?
Ah. Here's your mail.
Oh. Anything interesting?
Just your tax return.
You mailed it to yourself.
Perfect.
Shall I call the IRS?
No, I'll, uh, I'll send
them a letter today.
Oh, good. You should
get that tomorrow.
Bob, speaking of
taxes. Now don't laugh
but Jerry's getting audited.
[laughing]
He says he's not worried.
[laughing continued]
[kitten meows]
Uh, fine.
I just have this
strange feeling I've
you know, I've
forgotten something.
Your socks?
I just feel like I, um,
should have a string
tied around my finger.
That's what you forgot. String.
No, it's-it was
bigger than that.
Rope?
There's-there's no coffee.
That's what you forgot.
You forgot to make coffee.
Oh.
Hey, Carol, did my
tax refund come yet?
Nope.
Taxes!
That's what it is. I
haven't done my taxes.
You're kidding, Bob. You only
got three days left to turn them in.
I mean, how could
I forget my taxes?
They say that after 40
the brain starts to go.
I-I-I can't believe it.
Those little cells just die
off. They're irreplaceable.
Oh, Bob, I brought you your
wallet. You left it at the poker game.
The cells are
dropping off like flies.
Honey, do you want to
hear something funny?
What?
Bob forgot to do his taxes.
[all laugh]
Boy, Bob, are you in trouble.
The forms are so
complicated this year.
It took me forever to do ours.
That's really
encouraging, Larry.
Just think, honey.
Our first joint return.
Oh. Someday we may have tiny
dependants running around the house.
Yeah.
Just pretend this
isn't happening.
The pitter-patter
of little deductions.
You want us to leave the room?
Would you?
Oh, that's okay,
Jerry. I've gotta go.
I never knew taxes
were such a turn-on.
Maybe someday we'll
be audited together.
Bob, I just thought of
something else you forgot.
What?
What happens the
day your taxes are due?
I-I drink a lot.
It's your anniversary, Bob!
Anniversary of what?
Wedding anniversary.
I completely forgot.
I figure the man's brain has
shrunk to the size of a walnut.
What are you gonna get Emily?
She's your wife.
I know!
I really haven't-I haven't
given it much thought.
Which anniversary is this, Bob?
Uh, it's... the
third or the ninth.
When-when was I married, Carol?
Seven years ago.
Oh, then-then it
would be our, um...
Seventh.
Seventh.
Boy, if Larry forgot my
anniversary, I'd really be miffed.
Yeah, but you'd be sympathetic
if his brain were
rotting away like...
Jerry.
I only forgot two things: our
anniversary and my taxes.
And your wallet.
All right. I-I forgot
three things.
Uh, Carol, uh, call Emily at home
and tell her to get out my tax stuff.
She's not at home.
She's at school.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
I-I go in here, right?
Emily: Howard
in three days, it's Bob's
and my anniversary
and I wondered if you could
help me with his anniversary gift.
Get him a salami.
Now why didn't I think of that?
Well, you've been busy.
I had lunch with Bob twice
last week and both times
he ordered salami on
rye. He loves salami.
Well, maybe I'll get
him a salami next year.
This is the year I'm gonna
take him to San Francisco.
Really? How long are
you gonna be gone?
Just one night.
Hope you make all the lights.
Emily: [laughter]
Howard, we're flying.
You're going to get on a plane?
Yeah. I just decided
I'm gonna close my eyes
and not pay any
attention to where I am.
That's what I do.
Well, anyway, Howard,
could you get us the tickets?
Well, I hadn't planned on spending
that much money on your gift.
I was going to get
him a salami slicer.
Howard, I'll pay
for the tickets.
Oh, it'll be so
romantic. Just one night.
A little dancing, a
nice intimate dinner.
I bet he orders salami.
Howard? Will you
get us the tickets?
Well, our airline only flies
freight to San Francisco.
I could get you in
baggage section.
It would be cold but cheap.
Never mind, Howard. I'll
ask Carol to get the tickets
through Larry's travel agency.
Do me a favor. Do not
mention one word of this to Bob.
I really want it
to be a surprise.
Oh, my lips are sealed.
Oh, uh, hi, Bob. We were just
talking, uh, about the weather.
Yeah, but you never
do anything about it.
Yeah.
It's uh, it's warm
in San Francisco.
Well, I'd better get
started on my taxes.
This box is filled with dirt.
Yeah, that's my
special plant dirt.
Oh, I thought it was
just run-of-the-mill dirt.
My, uh, my canceled checks
are supposed to be in this box.
Yeah, well, I had
to switch boxes
because the box I had
my dirt in was broken.
Well, where do I
find my tax stuff?
Buried in a fern?
In the den.
Uh... no, Bob. That's not right.
Of course not.
No, I didn't put your
canceled checks in the dirt box.
I, uh, I put it in the
pots and pans box.
- Fine.
- Where are you going?
I'm going in the kitchen to
get the pots and pans box.
Well, why would I put the pots
and pans box in the kitchen?
I was just playing a hunch.
Emily, let me ask
you just one question.
Where will I find my
box of canceled checks?
In the storage locker.
Of course.
And what label is on the box?
I didn't put a label on it, Bob.
I didn't want to confuse you.
Bob, don't tell me you're
still doing your taxes.
Today's the 14th.
Yeah, Jerry, I'm trying to
stretch them out as long as I can
'cause I'm having so much fun.
How much money
did you make last year?
Don't you think that's
a little personal, Jerry?
I made, uh, $58,000.
$58,000?
Off year.
Yeah, I-I had an off year, too.
Well, I'm getting a bundle back
for a refund. What about yourself?
- A bundle.
- Yeah.
Could go as high
as, uh, 100 bucks.
I'm getting $6,000.
- How'd you do that?
- Business deductions.
Wrote off all my
office furniture.
Sofa, coffee table, stereo.
But, Jerry, you don't have
any of that stuff in your office.
Yeah, I know. It
doesn't fit in there
so I had to store it in my
apartment for a few years.
Okay, Bob, what'll it be?
Love in the Afternoon?
Nights of Passion?
Boy, some people'd
do anything for a raise.
Emily's anniversary present,
if you don't mind. Perfume.
Far out! Perfume as
an anniversary present!
Who would've thought of that?
All right now, Bob. You
choose the one you like best
and I'll take the others back.
Fine.
Love in the Afternoon.
"One whiff turns a man
into a lusting, wild animal."
$60 an ounce.
Next bottle.
This one's called
Nights of Passion.
[snorts] For Bob? [laughs]
Jerry, uh, Emily and I have been known
to have our moderately passionate nights.
Oh, mercy.
This one is Just Friends. You
should give it to a close acquaintance.
That's more your speed, Bob.
Don't you have
some teeth to look at?
If you want me to go,
Bob, you just say so.
- Go.
- Could you be more specific?
Now.
All right.
Okay, now, Bob, what'll it be?
Now, this one is $60 an ounce
that one's $40
and Just Friends
is $7.50 a pint.
I'm not sure Emily
needs a whole pint.
Emily: - Hi. - Hi!
How are the taxes coming?
Oh, they're-they're
gonna be okay.
What brings you down here?
Well, Carol and I
are having lunch.
Oh. I wish I could join you.
Bring me back a salami
on rye, would you?
Bob just loves salami.
Well, the wife is
always the last to know.
See you later, honey.
Did you get the ickets-tay?
"Ickets Day"?
Uh... yeah. Ickets Day.
It's a national
holiday for Ickets.
Yeah, I think I've heard of it.
Oh, what-what's all the perfume?
Uh...
Oh, uh, Carol's been
doing such a good job lately,
I thought I'd get
her a little gift.
- Oh.
- The man's a prince.
Here, Carol. Here's
a pint of Just Friends.
Ugh! That's great if
your friend's a sheep.
Oh, here, Carol. Take this.
Oh, no, it's kind of expensive.
Well, you deserve it.
That's true.
You'll probably be wanting
to wear it on your next job.
I'll wait for you outside.
[door closing]
Speaking of presents, Bob
when are you gonna
get my anniversary gift?
What makes you think I
haven't gotten it already?
Because I went through the
apartment with a fine-tooth comb.
And because I don't want
perfume again this year.
Well, now, see, that's
gonna be a problem.
I-I was gonna get
it this afternoon, but
I have to march in the
annual Ickets Day Parade.
Yeah, I'm the, uh,
I'm the Grand Icket.
"Use 1040" in conjunction
with Form 24-D.
"Subtract line 63e
"unless you are income averaging
"in which case you're
using the wrong form."
Give me the sports
page, will you?
You won't find the
answers in there.
Yeah, you're right.
Give me the comics.
Honey, why don't you
just sit down and finish it?
You'll feel better.
Sure, it's easy for you to sit
there and tell me to finish it.
Well, you want me to help you?
No, I'll... I'll do it.
I-I enjoy doing it.
Just... Just don't
enjoy doing it fast.
[knocking on door]
Thank God. I'll get it.
No-no-no-no, I'll get it.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, Emily. Hi, Bob.
How nice to see you.
Yeah, it's great-great
to see you.
Oh, we just came over to
drop off your anniversary gift.
Well, thank you.
That's very nice.
Yeah, well, come on
in. Sit down, stay a while.
- Thank you.
- Make yourself comfortable.
Well, what can I get you?
How about I, uh, make
you some brownies?
Bob was just trying to
avoid doing his taxes.
Oh, hey, listen, you can
open the gift tomorrow.
We don't want to hold you up.
No-no, no, no, no problem.
I hope you like it.
Aw, that's... Aw, that's great.
Nice.
Ver-very nice.
Oh, it's just
terrific. Thank you.
Very, very much.
It's... a yogurt-maker.
Oh! Of course it is.
Well, let's make some.
[laughs]
Or you could finish
doing your taxes.
You really want to
make some yogurt?
Oh, more than anything.
It takes a long time to make.
Well, the longer the better.
Okay, now. First we need
some homogenized milk
and do you have
any yogurt culture?
No.
I-I'll be right back.
Bob. Bob, where are you going?
I'm going to Yogurt
City to get some culture.
You know, this is ridiculous.
Well, maybe we should go.
I-I can't do my
taxes without yogurt.
Bob, that little thing makes
any flavor you can think of.
Go on. Just think of a flavor.
Uh... raspberry.
It makes that.
Strawberry.
Yep. Yep.
Cucumber.
Oh, it makes that one best.
Oh, my favorite!
Bob, you hate cucumbers.
I love cucumber yogurt.
Bob, have you ever
had papaya yogurt?
You know, I haven't.
[kissing sound]
Uh, come on, Larry.
We'd better go.
Okay?
Mango. Mm.
I wonder if it works
with, uh, lowfat milk.
I don't know.
- I'd better check...
- Bob.
Yeah, I think I'll get,
uh, back to my taxes.
Although some yogurt
would have really hit the spot.
Just a thought.
Hi. Turn on your TV set.
Oh, Howard, Bob's working.
I know, but it's the last
episode of "Sick Man, Well Man."
Well, why don't you
watch it on your own set?
Well, Bob told me
to come over here.
Well, I think we owe it to
ourselves to see the last episode.
What-what's it called, Howard?
"Sick Man, Well Man."
Anyway, it's about
these two brothers.
One is sick all the time, see
and the other drills oil wells.
Sounds good.
Good? In the last episode,
see, the sick brother,
he got very, very nauseous,
and if that wasn't bad enough,
he got a cold.
Wow.
Yeah, and then you know
what happened to Frank?
Frank was gonna leave
all his money to charity, see
and then he changed his mind!
You're kidding.
Bob, what are you doing now?
I-I was just gonna
get a sharp pencil.
Ha! Here it comes.
TV announcer: As
tonight's episode begins
Rhonda, who was married
to Frank but loved Donald
decides to tell Donald
that she can't leave Frank
until his cold gets better.
- Is Bob back from lunch?
- No. And don't go in.
Emily and their chauffeur
are hiding in there.
A chauffeur? I thought
he had a bad year.
She's waiting to surprise him.
She hired a limo to
whisk him to the airport
and then they fly away to San
Francisco for their anniversary.
Well, that's just stupid.
Why doesn't she get
him something useful
and, if possible, deductible.
Like what?
I don't know. A new spit sink.
You sentimental fool, you.
- Hi, Bob.
- Hi.
I see you finally got
Emily her gift, huh?
- Yep.
- What is it?
Meat.
And why not?
This happens to be
two Porterhouse steaks.
I'm gonna barbecue
them for her tonight.
What are you gonna get her
for Christmas? Vegetables?
[Carol laughs]
As a matter of fact, I
picked something else out.
I'm gonna give it
to her after dinner.
What, mints?
Jerry, I'd love to stay and
continue this meaningful dialogue
but, frankly, I
can't be bothered.
Me, either.
Me, either. But I'm trapped.
Surprise!
Happy anniversary!
Yeah, Bob. Surprise.
I-I-I-I don't think I know you.
No, this is Kyle, our chauffeur.
Of course.
How are you, Kyle?
Great.
See, Kyle is gonna
take us to the airport.
Then we're gonna fly to San
Francisco just for the night.
It's so romantic.
It's wonderful.
- Kyle's gonna do all that?
- Yeah.
We gotta leave right now, Bob.
We're gonna be in San Francisco
in time to see the sun set
on the Golden Gate Bridge.
That's a sight to see, Bob.
Would you excuse
me for just a minute?
He's overcome.
Oh, isn't this exciting?
You think this is something,
wait'll he gives you your gift.
Oh?
I forgot my taxes.
Didn't you finish them yet?
Well, I was going to finish
them this morning, but
I had to go out and
shop for your present.
Oh, uh, here it is.
Oh!
It's a box of meat.
That's a nice touch, Bob.
Practical. It's not
too ostentatious.
[sighs] There's the
Golden Gate Bridge.
Good.
I think I see the Cannery.
Good.
Oh, there's Fisherman's Wharf.
Good.
Adolf Hitler is
attacking the fishermen.
Good.
Hm?
Would I like to have an
intimate, candlelit dinner?
Well, of course.
If it's with you, Captain
Romance. [chuckles]
Oh, you always say my
hair gleams in the moonlight.
Well, I know it does, but
it's just the way you say it.
Oh, how romantic!
Blindfolded Gypsy violinists.
Of course you can kiss me.
Take me, I'm yours.
[kisses]
Did Mr. Carlin ever
use our bathroom?
Who gives a damn?
Well, if he did, I can deduct
the soap for business purposes.
[knocking on door]
- Bellboy.
- It's the bellboy.
Oh, don't disturb
yourself, Bob. I'll get it.
Gift from a Howard
Borden, navigator first class.
Oh, how sweet.
I'd like to read the
card to you, if I may.
"Happy anniversary. Howard."
Did you hear that, Bob?
It's our anniversary.
Shall I open it for you?
Sure.
It's a salami!
I love salami.
Oh, listen. Will you-will you
come back and bring some, uh
rye bread and a knife?
Sure.
Uh, uh, for-forget the knife.
And-and, uh
and the rye bread. Just
forget everything. Just
take-take your tip and,
just-just get out. Get out.
I-I'll just be a
couple more minutes.
You've got 30 seconds.
Emily, you don't realize the
importance of the individual income tax.
I mean, it keeps
America on the move.
It builds our libraries, our
highways, our bridges, our tunnels.
You got 15 seconds.
Come here.
I'm not in the mood.
Come on.
Oh... [Emily chuckles]
What's our zip code?
We're going to have
separate zip codes.
Emily, I have to
know our zip code.
60611.
6061...?
- 1!
- 1.
I am finished.
I don't believe it.
Maybe I'd better
check my figures.
Or, uh
maybe I ought to, uh, I
ought to give you your
anniversary present.
I hope it's a brisket.
It's a ring. [chuckles]
Oh, Bob, it's
beautiful. Thank you.
[kissing]
Mm.
- Happy anniversary.
- Yeah.
You know, Bob
it's too late to go
out to dinner, and, uh
our flight doesn't
leave for several hours.
Oh, good. We could,
uh take a short nap.
Mm.
I'm-I'm bushed.
Why don't I just
go slip into my ring.
Yeah, uh, go ahead and I'll, uh
I'll pour some wine.
[door closes]
When, uh, when did
you say our flight was?
At two in the morning.
Well, good, 'cause it's only
it's only 11:30.
Oh, my God.
Taxes have to be
postmarked by midnight.
What?
Uh, I'll be-I'll be
back as soon as I can.
Help-help yourself to the wine.
[door closing]
Well... happy
anniversary, Emily.
Look, this is silly. I mean
you flew me all the way out to
San Francisco for a romantic evening
and I've, uh, I've ignored
you the whole night.
Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.
So, uh
why don't we walk down
to the post office together?
Good morning, Carol.
Hi, Bob. How was your
trip to San Francisco?
Oh, terrific.
You know the main post office
there is totally computerized?
Ah. Here's your mail.
Oh. Anything interesting?
Just your tax return.
You mailed it to yourself.
Perfect.
Shall I call the IRS?
No, I'll, uh, I'll send
them a letter today.
Oh, good. You should
get that tomorrow.
Bob, speaking of
taxes. Now don't laugh
but Jerry's getting audited.
[laughing]
He says he's not worried.
[laughing continued]
[kitten meows]