The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 21 - Desperate Sessions - full transcript

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.

Oh, I love doing business here,

they make you feel like
you're part of the family

Yeah, the poor part.

Do you want to make
out the deposit slip?

I'll save a place in line.

Oh, okay.

Emily: [whispering] Bob.

Bob.



Bob.

Is your name Bob?

Yeah, how'd you know that?

That lady's calling you.

- Bob.
- What?

I'm going to withdraw
more than I planned.

How much?

Another 50.

For what?

A dress.

Don't you already have a dress?

Boy. Women and money.

Yeah, they think
it grows on trees.

Yeah, like it was
goin' out of style.



Like they couldn't
do without it.

Yeah. Like the streets
were paved with it.

Is there any way of
getting out of this?

Hey, Bob. Buy her
anything she wants.

She's no bag of bones.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Do you work in the building?

No, no, I just met
Bob here in line.

I'm Mel.

- Meet Mel.
- Hi, Mel.

Hi.

What do you do, Bob?

Psychologist.

You're kidding?

I would have said
you were a dentist.

Why?

I don't know. You
got clean hands.

Good breath.

Excuse me. Excuse
me here. Excuse me.

Hey, thanks for saving
my place in line, Bob.

I'd hate to be late for my
next heart transplant operation.

You're welcome, Dr. DeBakey.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Hi, Jer. Could
you let me in line?

Well, Carol, that
wouldn't be fair

to all these people
who've been waiting.

Well, then, could you
make a deposit for me?

It's a matter of life
and death, folks.

Go to the end of the line.

You know, Jerry,
even as we speak,

no one is answering your phones,

and your patients cannot
make appointments.

If he loses his
patients, you know,

nobody pays him.

If nobody pays
him, he doesn't eat.

If he doesn't eat, he dies.

Life and death, folks.

See ya around, Bob.

All right. So long, Mel.

"I have a gun in my pocket.
Put all your money in a bag.

"Yours truly, Mel."

[alarm bell ringing] [screaming]

TV Reporter: approximately
$7,000 in small bills.

Police are questioning all
possible witnesses looking for leads.

Nobody questioned us.

They didn't mention your name.

Shh!

TV Reporter: A tough break
for that bank, am I right, Brad?

Brad: Right, Doug.

That's why I keep
my money in my sock.

[laughing]

TV Reporter: Well, I hope you
don't get any holes in there, Brad.

Moving right along...

Whew. Weren't you scared?

Are you kidding? When
that alarm went off,

my whole life flashed
before my eyes.

Wow, I heard about that.
Does it really happen?

No, it's just an expression.

Then you lied to me.

Well, I guess I did,
Howard, I'm sorry.

How about you, Bob,
did you see your life?

No.

Thanks for not lying to me.

[doorbell ringing]

I'll get it.

- Ms. Hartley?
- Yes.

Detective Sergeant
Webber, Robbery Division.

I'd like to ask you
a few questions

about the robbery
this afternoon, ma'am.

Oh, well, of course. Come in.

This is my husband, Dr. Hartley,

and this is our next door
neighbor, Howard Borden.

Hello.

Sergeant, what
can we do for you?

Dr. Harley. I'm just
looking for a few facts, sir.

Well, we'd be glad to cooperate.

We'd appreciate that.

I'll do anything I can.

Well, I didn't realize you were in
the bank this afternoon, Mr. Borden.

I wasn't, I was in Miami.

Right, well, I think
I'd better be going.

You know, you
remind me of someone.

Yeah, Sergeant Joe Friday.

No, my uncle Mort.

Have you ever been
in the roofing business?

No, sir.

Well, then, I guess
it wasn't you, then.

He's dead.

About the robbery,
Dr. Hartley, ma'am.

Oh, well, you see,
we were in line.

I was withdrawing money
because I was gonna go shopping.

Shopping, ma'am?

I had my eye on this beautiful
green dress, you know,

a little A-line thing
with a matching jacket.

- Ms. Hartley.
- Sergeant?

We're just looking
for the facts, ma'am.

Of course, the facts.

Could you describe
the bank robber?

The bank robber?

Yes, sir.

Well, I would say
he was... average.

Average.

I guess, you know, a lot of
men would fit that description.

But this one was different, sir.

Why is that, Sergeant?

He robbed a bank.

One more thing, Sergeant.

Yes, ma'am.

His name was Mel.

Mel?

M-e-l.

Probably short for Melvin.

Probably.

Anything else, ma'am?

Funny thing about Mel, Sergeant.

Yes, ma'am?

He looked like a man who could
just walk into a bank and get a loan.

Maybe he didn't want to
pay the interest, ma'am.

That wasn't meant
to be funny, sir.

Sorry.

Well, I'll leave you alone.

If anything else comes
up, call me downtown.

I work the day
watch out of Robbery.

My name is Webber.

Certainly will, sir.

And I guess you run into
a lot of this sort of thing.

Yes, sir, I see it from the
time I put it on in the morning

'til the time I
take it off at night.

- Sergeant.
- Sir.

Take what off at night?

- My badge.
- Oh.

It's my job. I'm a cop.

What a nice man.

He must have seen
every "Dragnet" ever made.

That's a classic case
of hero identification.

Yeah, I bet you see a
lot of that kind of thing.

I do, Emily.

See it from the time I
put it on in the morning

'til I take it off at night.

You know why?

Why?

It's my job.

I'm a shrink.

They didn't even
mention my name.

They never mention the
names of the people who faint.

I didn't faint.

I was resting.

[elevator dings]

Morning.

- Hey, hi, Bob.
- Hi, Bob.

You seen the paper?
My picture's in it.

Oh, good, they
got a picture of you

while you were
still standing up.

What are all those?

Oh, I thought I'd lay a couple
copies around my apartment.

Chicks really go crazy

for guys who live around danger.

I bet they go bananas over
guys who pass out from danger.

At least I do not get
hysterical if I break a fingernail.

Wow. You really
put me in my place.

Bob, what would you have done

if that guy turned
on you with a gun?

Carol, I had hand-to-hand
combat training in the Army.

Well, that was a
few years back, Bob.

Carol, these are still
the hands of a killer.

Oh!

Mercy!

Come on. Pretend
you're a bank robber.

Well, okay.

But don't kill me.

All right, point your gun at me.

What gun?

It's an imaginary gun.

Ah.

Kee-ai!

Drop it, Carol.

I mean it, Carol.

Your shoelaces are untied.

Bang!

You missed.

Oh, sorry. Bang!

Nice try, Carol.

Let me get that for you, Bob.

Hi. Hi, Mel.

What are you doing here?

I'm hiding out.

Been here since last night.

Well, if you hand
me back my raincoat,

I'll let you hide out in peace.

I don't think so, Bob.

So, what can I do for you, Mel?

Well, I've been
thinking it over,

and if I'm gonna get out
of here, I need a hostage.

Who'd you have in mind, Mel?

Well, since I knew you
worked in the building,

and we already
had a relationship.

Yeah, well, see, I wouldn't
make a very good hostage.

I'm not tall enough to, you
know, make a good shield.

It's not the height I
need, it's the width.

When are we gonna
take my life in your hands?

I don't know.
Let's talk about it.

Fine. Would you mind taking
your hand out of your pocket, Mel?

Oh, yeah. All right.

Don't make any sudden moves.

[intercom buzzing]

Ah! What's that?

Just my receptionist buzzing me.

Oh. Well, act natural.

Hello, Carol.

Carol: Hi, Bob.
Mr. Carlin is here.

Who's Carlin?

Carol: Bob, did you
just ask me who's Carlin?

No, no, I said, how's Carlin?

Carol: Oh, he's fine.

Good, good. Then he won't
have to come in this morning.

Who is he?

Oh, Mr. Carlin,
he's just a patient.

Oh, well, then, keep
him out of here, huh?

What's going on here?

This is my time and I want it.

Who's this goon?

Mr. Carlin, this is Mel.

Mel, this is Mr. Carlin.

Oh, my pleasure.
Get out of here.

Yeah, he can't exactly
leave, Mr. Carlin.

He has a bigger
problem than you have.

You wanna bet?

Yesterday I lost one of my
socks at the Laundromat.

And it wasn't only
losing the sock.

To add insult to injury,

I think I've been marked
for assassination by the CIA.

Mr. Carlin, I don't really think

that this is a particularly
good time for a session.

Why not?

I don't know if you've noticed,
but we're not exactly alone.

Oh, yeah. Hey,
mack, take a hike.

Mel, you don't want
to take a hike, do you?

I don't think Mel
wants to take a hike.

Then sit down, be quiet,
and don't ask any questions.

What Mr. Carlin's
trying to say, you know,

just make yourself comfortable,

and feel free to participate.

Anyway, being marked by the
CIA for assassination is really hell.

You know what it's like
every time you look around

to see a man standing
there with a gun?

Yeah, I do.

Are you a foreign agent?

No, I'm a real estate agent.

Well, at least you
got a good job,

even if you are crazy.

Crazy?

Are you gonna let
him call me that?

Yeah, probably.

Hey, consider yourself lucky.
At least you have a good job.

I could never get a good job,

I mean, ever since
I was a kid, I...

Who's hour is this?

Shut up, Mr. Carlin.

Go ahead, Mel.

Nah, it's his hour.

Oh, that's all right,
he doesn't mind.

Well, every job I ever
had was a bummer,

I was always a doormat,
the fall guy, loser.

But now I know how to be cool.

I learned it all in a night
school course I took.

Introduction to heist?

No, no, no, the
course was called,

"You Are Responsible for
Your Own Social Interaction,

and Cultural
Exchange as an Adult."

I took that course.
It's for jerks.

No!

No, no, it isn't.

No, it taught me to meet girls.

And pointed out the
importance of your leisure suits,

your turtlenecks,
your styling combs,

and your mood rings.

Hey, you want to see a
picture of the girl I did it for, huh?

- Oh, she's...
- Theresa.

Very nice.

Nice? She's got
hair all over her face.

What do you mean by that?

He means that, you know,
sometimes little clumps of hair

scattered around a face
can be very attractive.

Hey. A dog is a dog.

You know what I have in here?

A lock from Theresa's beard?

I think it's a gun, Mr. Carlin.

I'm gettin' out of here.

Hope you and Rin Tin Tin
have a nice life together.

Don't shoot.

Well, that's lunch time.

Oh, where you goin'?

For lunch. I just thought
I'd get a little lunch.

I don't think so, Bob.

Yeah, well, I had kind
of a heavy breakfast.

I mean, it doesn't
mean you can't go.

No.

Mel, what would you do if I...

If I struck the classic
martial arts pose,

and yelled out, "kee-ai"?

I'd shoot ya.

Yeah, well, if you... if you
ever see me start to do that,

you... you be sure
and stop me, okay?

Has the floor been cleared?

Yep. They're all in
the dentist's office.

Good. Thank you.

No sweat. That's my job.

I'm a cop.

[elevator dings]

I'm sorry. This floor is closed.

Well, I was his best
friend and this was his wife.

Sergeant Webber, is Bob okay?

As far as we know, Ms. Hartley,

we're just about
ready to contact him.

Sent for the bullhorn.

Why don't you just buzz him?

All right. We'll
try it your way.

Take Mr. Borden down
to Dr. Robinson's office.

All right.

Boy, you come up
with one suggestion,

and they send
you to the dentist.

All right, ma'am, let's see if we
can get through to Dr. Hartley.

Oh, good.

Uh... Thank you.

Dr. Hartley, this is
Detective Sergeant Webber.

Are you all right?

Bob: Yes, we're fine.

Dr. Hartley.

Bob: Sergeant.

Let me talk to the perpetrator.

Bob: The perpetrator
says he's busy,

but he said to say that you
remind him of somebody.

Be sure to thank him,

and give him this message.

Tell him by not coming out,

he's only hurting himself.

Bob: Well, Mel says
that's not exactly true.

It could hurt me, too.

Bob?

Bob: Emily, is that you?

- Honey, are you okay?
- Bob: I'm fine.

Oh, Bob, I love you very much.

Bob: Me, too.

Now, look. No matter
how bad it gets in there,

I just want you to know that
I'm out here pulling for you,

and I just wish there
was something I could do.

- Bob: There is one thing.
- Anything.

Bob: Could you slip a
pizza under the door?

Well, where were we?

Playing Gin.

How could we play Gin
when I won all the money?

I'll fix that.

Easy come, easy go.

What are you doing?

I'm dealing.

You're cheating.

No, I'm not.

Well, usually when you play Gin,

the dealer doesn't
get to look at the cards.

Yeah, but it helps my game.

I see how it gave
you a slight edge.

Guy Lanier says it's not
how you play the game,

but whether you win.

Well, that's okay
for Guy Lanier.

Who's Guy Lanier?

My instructor at my
Social Responsibility class.

He's what made
me what I am today.

- I got a girl.
- Theresa.

- I got a career.
- Bank robbery.

I got a future.

Yeah, seven to ten in Joliet.

Gin.

That isn't Gin.

You either got to
have them in sequence,

or you got to have
threes and fours of a kind.

I got a gun.

Sure looks like Gin to me.

How long has he been in there?

About six hours.

[sighing] I just wish
I could be with him,

I feel so helpless in here.

Hey, Sharon, sure I'd
like to be there with you,

but if there's an
assault on Bob's office,

they're probably
gonna ask me to lead it.

Oh, I just hate this waiting.

Emily, it's gonna be all right.

How do you know that?

There is a man
in there with a gun.

Well, I was just looking
on the bright side.

Come on, Sharon,
you know I miss you.

Sure, I like white wine.

Soft music.

Johnny Mathis?

How could I forget.

No, I can't do it right now.

Okay.

Chances are 'cause
I wear a silly grin

The moment you walk
into view Grub time.

Hey, I've got some good
news about the fried chicken.

- What?
- The Colonel has breasts.

I'm sorry, what did you want?

Oh, I can't eat,
I'm too worried.

Well, we all are.

Well, hand me the chicken.

Hey, Sharon,
you're the greatest.

Sure, I remember those slacks,

they looked like they
were painted on ya.

What do you want, Robinson?

A couple of thighs.

You know, Bob gets
a terrible headache

if he waits this long to eat.

Me, too. Pass the slaw.

Okay, where's the beer?

- Here.
- Thanks.

- Anybody for bean salad?
- Yeah, hand it here.

Hey, Carlin, did you say this guy
robbed the bank because of some chick?

Yeah, isn't that something?

Oh, she must be beautiful.

No, she looked
like a can of worms.

Right, more cute than beautiful.

Yeah.

You got a church
key? I want a beer.

Okay, chips comin',
chips all around.

Here we go. What
do you want, Emily?

Get it while it's hot.

You want your beer, Emily?

Would you just wait a minute?

Now, I mean, do any of you

remember why we're here?

This is not a party.

I mean, all you're worried about

is girlfriends and
beer and chicken.

I mean, Bob is in
there fighting for his life

with a crazed gunman.

Oh, I'm sorry, but
he's gonna be all right.

Yeah, he'll be okay.

Yeah, we're really
sorry, Mrs. Hartley.

You know, we really do care.

Yeah, I mean, we really do,

we love Bob, I mean,

but he'd want us to eat.

It's just that if I don't
eat I get a headache.

Bob, I don't mean
to be personal,

but I think I know you
well enough to say this.

You could afford to
lose a few pounds.

That's it. Enough's enough.

I knew you'd take
it the wrong way.

It isn't that, I'm
just not gonna live

the rest of my
life in this office.

We gotta do something.

All right.

I have a suggestion.

All right.

Give the money
back, turn yourself in,

and take your medicine.

Well, what if I
just said I'm sorry,

you think that would be enough?

No, I think they
want the money back.

Well, what if I said a
real sincere I'm sorry?

No.

Okay, I'll give the money back.

You're gonna have
to give yourself up, too.

Boy, they want
it all, don't they?

You picked a rough profession.

Yeah.

Let's go.

Maybe I should
call Theresa first.

I want her to know
that I did it for her.

Okay.

But she might not talk to
me knowing that I did this.

All right, give me her number,

I'll call her.

"Draw this face,
win valuable prizes?"

No, it's on the back.

She owns the coffee shop.

Oh, yeah, Theresa's Coffee Shop.

Yeah, best little
coffee shop in town.

Great eggs, but stay
away from the pancakes.

Hello, could I talk
to Theresa please?

Uh, Big Theresa
or Little Theresa?

Little Theresa, I guess.

Oh, Little Theresa's the busboy.

Oh, Big Theresa.

Theresa?

Yeah, this is
Dr. Robert Hartley.

Yeah, I'm here with a
very good friend of yours.

Mel.

She wants to know, Mel who?

Mel.

The guy who was in the
coffee shop the other night,

spilled coffee in his shoe.

Mel, the guy that was in the
coffee shop the other night,

spilled coffee in his shoe.

She said, "Huh?"

Tell her what I look like.

Uh, he's about 5'10".

And a half.

And a half.

Weighs about 175,
and nice looking.

Thanks.

He wears a blue mood ring.

Uh-huh.

Means... means nothing to you.

Thank you. Goodbye.

How long have you and
Theresa been going together?

Well, actually, we just met the
other night in the coffee shop,

while I was waiting
for my shoe to dry.

How about the pictures?

Stole 'em off the cash register

when she was
cleaning up the mess.

She doesn't know you from Adam.

Yeah, another week or two and
she would have been mine forever.

What makes you think that?

Guy Lanier told me.

Yeah, well, Guy
Lanier told you wrong.

He told you a lot
of wrong things.

Forget about the leisure
suits and the mood rings.

Just be yourself and
be happy with that.

I wish I'd met you
before Guy Lanier.

Thanks.

Well, better get out there.

Want to buy a mood ring?

Oh, uh...

you'd better give me
your gun before we go out.

Yeah.

I hate violence.

It's not loaded.

Well, in that case, kee-ai-yah!