The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 22 - The Mentor - full transcript
Larry is unhappy with his job and is encouraged to start his own travel agency.
Carol, don't the periods usually
come at the end of the sentences?
And didn't you used
to have red hair?
Carol's in the coffee shop.
I'm Larry, Carol's
husband, remember?
I know that. I was
making a joke, Lar.
[weak laughter]
Oh, I get it. The old
mistaken identity joke.
Yeah, that's always funny.
Why the long face?
Anything I can help you with?
I'm in a rut, Jer.
I'm stuck in a nowhere
job, going no place fast
and there's no way out.
- How are your teeth?
- Fine.
Oh, hi, Larry. How is it going?
Lousy.
His teeth are good.
Well, why don't
we talk about it?
We'll go in my office
and I'll get some coffee.
No, I hate coffee.
Coffee reminds me of Brazil.
Brazil reminds me
of the travel agency.
The travel agency reminds me
of my boss, and I hate my boss.
He's demanding,
he's unappreciative,
he's dumb, and he's rude.
How's the money?
And he's cheap.
How about tea?
No, I hate tea.
Tea reminds me of coffee.
Coffee reminds me of Brazil.
Brazil reminds me
of the travel agency,
and the travel agency
reminds me of my boss
and I hate my boss.
Scratch the tea.
Hi, gang.
JERRY: - Hello. - Hi.
Here, sweetheart. I
brought you a doughnut.
I can't eat a doughnut
without coffee.
I hate coffee.
Coffee reminds me of
Brazil. Brazil reminds me of...
I'll-I'll-I'll take
the doughnut.
He's been this way for
months. What am I gonna do?
Wear earplugs.
Uh, Larry, why don't we
go in my office and talk
and we can get out of
the line of the sniper fire.
You know, I do
have an idea here.
I realize it may
sound simplistic...
We'll consider the source.
Larry, my friend.
Why don't you just get a job
with another travel agency?
No. Another agency would
just mean another boss.
I don't know, Larry.
Maybe you ought to try
it on your own, you know.
Fly the coop, get out of
the nest, try your own wings.
I think it's a terrific idea!
I think it'll lay an egg.
Come on, Jerry. Think about it.
The Lawrence Bondurant
Travel Agency, Inc.
Yeah, or, uh, Trips With Larry.
Come on, what's he gonna do,
work out of the back of his
car? He doesn't have an office.
I don't have a car.
There's a vacant
office on this very floor.
- That's right.
- I don't think I'm ready to set
up my own office.
I mean, I'd need phones,
I'd need filing cabinets.
I'd need a secretary.
You could have one of the best.
He's not taking
our file cabinets.
I was talking
about me, Jerry. I.
I could do Larry's paperwork
and do his bookings.
And Emily and I could
be your first customers.
We've been talking
about going to Montreal.
And I'd certainly
like to help out.
You can give me a
free trip to Florida.
One-way.
I'm not gonna rip him off.
I'm doing his dental work free.
There's nothing
wrong with my teeth.
That doesn't mean
I shouldn't travel.
Well, I think it's
a terrific idea.
Opening your travel
agency is the right thing to do.
You know, I am really
excited about this.
And I couldn't agree
more. It's a hell of an idea.
And maybe by the time
I get back from Florida,
you'll have a little cavity.
Come on, honey, what do
you think? Your own agency?
I don't know. I'm gonna
have to think about it.
Ooh! Better call my boss,
tell him I'll be a little late.
I hate my boss.
He's demanding,
he's unappreciative
he's dumb, and he's rude.
Hello, sir, this is
Larry Bondurant. I quit.
Nothing personal.
Now... I'll take that coffee.
I'm proud of you, Larry.
Me, too, honey.
Thattaboy, Lar. I'm
gonna pack for Florida.
Uh, Carol, make an
appointment for this man.
I think he needs
a full set of braces.
Well, anyhow, I
have this great idea
for the opening of
Larry's travel agency.
Emily, why don't we
talk about it over dinner?
Where is Howard with the food?
Oh, honey, will you
please be patient?
I mean, Howard is making
us his special Chinese dinner.
Look, Emily, I'm
trying to be patient.
It's a long family tradition
in the Hartley family
that we always have dinner
the same day we have lunch.
You see, what I want to do is,
I want to decorate
the reception hall
so that it really makes the seventh
floor look like a travel agency.
I am so hungry I could
eat the seventh floor.
Honey, don't you feel good that
you really helped a younger man?
Larry's not that young.
Oh, well, I didn't mean
that he was younger.
I mean, it's just
that you're older...
I mean, it's not
that you're older.
It's just that you're
more mature,
and you did something really nice
for somebody who's less mature.
Well, I've always
enjoyed working with kids.
Food!
I wonder if Larry would let me work for
him a couple of hours on the weekends.
Oh, I'm sure he could always
use the help of an older woman.
[laughter]
HOWARD: You guys ready in there?
We're ready,
Howard. We're ready.
Hah... [door closes]
As they say in China,
"Wong Loo Kochi."
What does that mean?
It means, "We're not
responsible for lost articles."
Aw, authentic Chinese
dinner, Howard. How nice.
Howard. You didn't
make this food, did you?
You don't have to pay
for it if you don't want to.
Can we tip?
If you want to.
Well, first let's
taste the food.
Wait-wait. I'll get the dessert.
Well, we'll start
without you, Howard.
Oh, right. That's
right. It'll get cold.
Oh, no, don't worry about
it. I'll put it in the oven.
You don't mean that.
Of course I do.
Howard, how long
will the dessert take?
Well, not too long. I just have
to go and buy it at the store.
Get back here, Howard.
Okay, but I just can't imagine egg
foo yung without chocolate cake.
Try not to think about it.
Pass the shrimp.
Oh, it smells delicious.
- [phone ringing]
- Emily, get the phone.
- Well, you're the closest.
- Yeah, but I'm the hungriest.
Now, what do we start with?
Hello. Oh, hi, Larry.
Pass the shrimp, Howard.
Wait. Let's wait for
Emily. I'll warm it up.
Howard! Pass the shrimp!
- Bob, it's for you.
- Yeah, I'll call him back.
No, it's Larry, Bob, and
he sounds desperate.
Thomas Paine was wrong. These
are the times that try men's souls.
Hello.
Hi... Larry, what can I
do for you in a hurry?
Don't tell me you're
having second thoughts?
You're having third thoughts?
Look, if you really
want this badly,
you're going to have to
extend yourself, Larry.
Yeah, we're all
behind you, Larry.
Every single one of us.
Don't worry, Larry.
If anybody's gonna starve,
it's not gonna be you.
Good talking to you, too. Bye.
Well, it sure took
you long enough.
Now it's cold and I
have to warm it up.
Operator?
Yeah, would you get
me the police, please?
I'm about to commit
a serious crime.
[drumbeat]
[sighs] You know
what I think, Carol?
I think we did a terrific job.
Yeah, you took the words
right out of my mouth.
Oh, I hope Larry likes it.
Oh, I hope Bob likes it.
Carol, what the heck
is going on out here?
I certainly hope Jerry likes it.
Well, I certainly
do not like it.
For one thing, there's
too much noise.
- Can't even hear
my patients screaming.
- [drumbeats end]
Come on, Jerry. This is
for Larry's big opening.
He's promoting the
Polynesian Islands.
Any minute now, I
expect some crazed native
to come leaping out of this
jungle and spear me to death.
That could be arranged.
Ah!
Dr. Hartley, I presume.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
Good afternoon, Bob.
Good afternoon, Sheena.
Well, Bob, do you like it?
I think it's a little subtle.
Where's the wild boar?
Oh, Jerry's over there.
Well, it's certainly different
than any seventh floor
of a medical building
I've ever seen.
Well, I gotta go, honey. I've got
to get to Rent-A-Beast before 2:00.
I'm not even gonna
ask about that.
Well, I am. Rent-A-Beast?
I have to pick up
a plastic roast pig.
Oh. You better hurry. I understand
they're going like hotcakes.
[chuckling] Whoops!
Uh, Carol, could I have
Mrs. Bakerman's file, please?
Uh, sure, Bob.
Uh, it's in there.
Fine. Would you get it for me?
Uh... yeah.
Yeah, I guess so.
I mean, it is my job.
Our secretary looks like a hut.
Very amusing.
This was Emily's idea.
And a very good one.
Just stay away from goats.
Why don't I just stand here,
and when you're
finished ridiculing me,
I'll get you Mrs.
Bakerman's file?
My turn or yours?
Carol, would you get me
Mrs. Bakerman's file, please?
Sure.
Uh, Carol, where's the machete?
I have to go to the bathroom.
Oh, here's Mrs. Bakerman.
Under "Bulgaria."
Bulgaria?
Yeah, well, see, I ran out of filing space,
so I had to join your files with Larry's.
Oh. Could I have
Mr. Peterson's file, please?
Uh-huh.
Ah! Portugal.
- And where's Mr. Herd?
- Mexico.
Why?
I don't know. He said he had
to get away and think for a while.
Wow! This is really something.
Oh, Larry, I'm glad you like it.
Oh, I do.
Look at you. Boy...
- No-no.
- Doesn't she look great, Bob?
Yeah, she sure does. I'm gonna have
her tell Emily where she grows her dresses.
I want to thank you for
all your support, Bob.
I want to thank everybody.
I mean, you got me
to make the move,
and Carol here is
doing all my work.
Emily has these
promotional ideas.
I'm not doing a single thing.
How's business?
It's terrible.
But, with all of you behind
me, I'm sure it'll work out.
Won't it?
Sure it will, honey.
You gotta trust us.
Oh, Bob, I haven't been
this excited since Larry and I...
Well, let's just say I haven't
been this excited in quite...
- Let's just not say anything.
- Some time.
Well, maybe I should
water the plants.
You should be in your
office. You're an executive.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
It's just that it gets
kinda lonely in there.
Well, you know, getting a new business
off the ground can be kinda rough.
I remember my first year in
business, I only had one patient.
But fortunately, Mr. Carlin
came in every day.
Yeah, what am I worried about?
Carol, would you please
get Mr. Carlin's file for me?
Sure.
And, Carol, would you
call an exterminator?
I think there's some
tsetse flies in my office.
[drumbeat]
[blowing nose]
You know, Bob, I think
you're catching a cold.
I have malaria.
Well, don't worry. The Polynesian
Village will be gone next week.
Good.
Yeah, we're having
a Yukon Jamboree.
You know, I wondered
why they were measuring
the reception area
for Astro-tundra.
Bob, what would you think
if we had an igloo
over Carol's desk?
Why stop there? Why not
get a whole Eskimo family?
Come on, don't you feel good about
the way we helped change Larry's life?
I don't know how much we've changed
Larry's life. I know it's changed my life.
I mean, he has nothing
to do. He just sits in
my office all day and
talks about vacations.
Speaking of vacations,
I was wondering
what would it cost if we took our
vacation in Hawaii instead of Montreal?
Uh, $415 double occupancy
at the Kailua Palona,
including tip, one
drink with an orchid in it,
a free Hawaiian shirt,
free surfboard ride,
and one Don Ho album.
Oh, yeah? Which one?
Tiny Bubbles?
No, I think it's Best of Don Ho.
Oh, good.
That probably has
"Tiny Bubbles" on it.
I think you have tiny
bubbles in your head.
Bob, what are you
so miffed about?
I mean, you were the one who
encouraged Larry to go out on his own.
I know, but I never realized
the reception area would look like
Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.
Well, what difference
does it make?
It helps Larry, and
it doesn't hurt you.
I'm sure that Freud didn't have
a roast pig in his reception area.
Pavlov had dogs.
Aloha, Emily.
Bob. Bob, honey. I
want to tell you a story.
No, no, please.
No, Bob, this is a story about when
I did something nice for somebody
and it backfired, but it all
turned out well in the end.
Now, wait. Is this the story about
when you were in high school
and you were dating
the football player
and you had this ugly girlfriend
and she couldn't get any dates
and you talked the football
player into taking her out on a date
and they fell in love
and they got married?
Yes, that's the story.
I've heard it.
You left out the part where
it turns out well in the end.
You lost the football
player, but you found me.
There were a few
players in between.
And a lot of second stringers.
EMILY: - Bob? - Yo.
When you get off
the elevator tomorrow,
I hope you fall on
your Astro-tundra.
[knocking on door]
[knocking on door continues]
Just a minute!
Hi, Emily. You busy?
Carol, it's 3:00 in the morning.
Oh... Gee, I only have 10 of.
Oh, well, then, my
mistake. Come on in.
Is Bob home?
No, he's playing golf.
I'm sorry, Emily. Truly I am, but I just
have to talk to you and Bob about Larry.
All right, Carol. Sit
down. I'll get him.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Bob! There's someone
here to see you.
BOB: It's 3:00 in the morning!
No, honey, it's only 10 of.
Oh, I'll be right out then.
[yawning] I'll go
make some coffee.
Oh, I brought some.
You brought a lot.
Well, I have a
lot to talk about.
Carol, do you
know what time it is?
I know what time it is, Bob,
and I'm really sorry to disturb you,
but I'm very depressed
and I have to talk to you,
so I wish you'd just listen
and stop asking me if
I know what time it is.
- Bob.
- Hm.
I'm-I'm sorry. What time is it?
Have some coffee, Bob.
EMILY: All right, Carol.
Now, what's wrong?
I don't know.
[groaning] Oh.
Bob, no.
Bob, I know what's wrong.
I know what's wrong, Bob.
I just don't know
what to do about it.
Why don't we start by you
telling me what's wrong?
Do you know where
Larry is right now?
If he has any sense,
he's sound asleep.
He is asleep.
At his office, in the hopes
that a customer will come in.
Nothing's happening, Bob.
He's getting real depressed again.
What are we gonna do?
[yawning] Well, Carol, he
knew it was gonna be rough.
I mean,
getting a business
off the ground is, uh...
is always... Now,
see, that's the trouble.
Larry's business
is off the ground.
Seven floors. In
a medical building.
I mean, how's he
supposed to make a living?
Oh, I'm sorry, Carol, but, you
know, it's 3:00 in the morning.
I know what time it is.
Do you know what time it is?
Oh... Howard, what
are you doing awake?
Oh, well, uh, my watch stopped
ticking and it woke me up.
I can't go to sleep until
I know what time it is.
- It's 3:00.
- Oh, thank you.
Is that coffee?
Yeah, you want some?
Well, I'd prefer tea.
The kitchen is closed, Howard.
Well, then, I'll just take the
coffee then. Maybe a brownie?
Right. Coffee's fine.
[gasps]
We've gotta do something.
Why don't we make some brownies?
Bob? Emily? Come
up with some ideas.
Well... maybe you should
tell Larry to get a better office.
Oh, he can't. It's
too expensive.
Well, we could loan
him some money.
Oh, honey, no.
He'd never take that.
Gee, I wish he'd go
back to his old job.
Oh, that'd kill him.
Well, I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I'm afraid I don't
know what to do.
I know what to do.
Howard, you don't
know what to do.
You never know what to do.
Usually I don't know what to
do, but this time I know what to do.
What have we got to lose?
- Nothing.
- All right, Howard,
tell us what to do.
All right, first of all, tell
him to stop his sniveling,
get off your backs and
stand on his own two feet.
Emily, stop doing
his thinking for him,
and, Carol, stop making
those phone calls for him.
And you, you over there,
next time he comes whining and
bellyaching and begging for advice,
tell him to shove off!
Howard, that is probably the
most insensitive, callous suggestion
I have ever heard come out of
the mouth of one human being.
I can't believe that
you are telling us
to pull the carpet out from under
a dear, sweet, vulnerable man
like Larry Bondurant.
You louse.
Howard, you know what Larry
would tell me if I said that to him?
He'd probably say,
"Go peddle your papers."
Howard, I'm gonna pretend I
never even heard what you said.
Howard, I am just
so ashamed of you.
Carol, you know the way out.
I sure do.
[sarcastically] Thanks, Howard.
It's nice to know
who your friends are.
Emily?
[flatly] What?
I'll take that tea now.
That's okay. I'll get it myself.
Bob, it's freezing out there.
It's supposed to be.
It's Yukon Jamboree.
That's no reason that
I'm supposed to suffer.
I am sick of this, Bob.
Larry has got to go.
You want him
out? Get rid of him.
Me? You brought
him here. You tell him.
It's always me, isn't it, Jerry?
Yeah. 'Cause
you're the, uh, oldest.
No, it's not up to me.
It's up to me to support
him, to stand by him.
I mean, the man is on the verge
of collapse. He needs our support.
All right, forget about
it. By this time tomorrow,
we'll be dead anyway.
Frozen stiff in that
reception area out there.
Hi, guys. Anybody seen Carol?
Yeah, I sent her down
for a cupful of blubber.
Hi.
Hi.
How's it going?
Fine.
Good.
Uh, Larry, I hope you don't mind. I
have some work I have to do here.
- Want me to help?
- No.
Isn't there something you
could do in your own office?
No, there's nothing there.
Airfares are up. Travel is down.
I'm at the end of my rope, Bob.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
You know, we were...
we were sitting around and
talking about that the other night.
Emily came up with a suggestion.
Maybe you ought to
find a better location.
No. Impossible. I
could never afford it.
Yeah, that's what
we thought you'd say,
so I came up with the suggestion
that I loan you some money.
I could never accept it.
Then that led to Carol's suggestion that
maybe you'd try to get your old job back.
Rather be dead.
Then that leaves us
with Howard's suggestion.
What's that?
- Never mind. It was ridiculous.
- Oh, whatever you say.
Boy, I wish Carol
would get back.
I'd like her to make
some phone calls for me.
Make 'em yourself!
What?
Well, make your own phone calls!
I mean, quit leaning
on everybody!
Stand on your own two feet!
Stop whining and
bellyaching 24 hours a day!
If you want to make
it, make it yourself!
You know, it's
just a suggestion.
I like it.
You do?
Yeah. Makes sense.
It does?
Yeah. Boy, nothing
else seems to be working.
I should've gone with my
instincts from the beginning.
If I listen to everybody
else around here,
I'm gonna end up
in the poorhouse.
I don't understand.
Well, you're the one who told me to
take the stupid office in the first place.
Carol insisted on doing
all of my paperwork.
Emily has these
crazy promotion ideas.
I mean, who wants to go to the
Yukon in the middle of the winter?
Well, you know, maybe if you gave
them a couple of Don Ho albums.
Oh, Bob. I'm the guy who
understands the travel business.
And from now on, I'm
gonna run it my way.
Larry, you know, if I
can be of any help...
Bob, just go peddle your papers.
I thought you might say that.
[kitten meowing]
come at the end of the sentences?
And didn't you used
to have red hair?
Carol's in the coffee shop.
I'm Larry, Carol's
husband, remember?
I know that. I was
making a joke, Lar.
[weak laughter]
Oh, I get it. The old
mistaken identity joke.
Yeah, that's always funny.
Why the long face?
Anything I can help you with?
I'm in a rut, Jer.
I'm stuck in a nowhere
job, going no place fast
and there's no way out.
- How are your teeth?
- Fine.
Oh, hi, Larry. How is it going?
Lousy.
His teeth are good.
Well, why don't
we talk about it?
We'll go in my office
and I'll get some coffee.
No, I hate coffee.
Coffee reminds me of Brazil.
Brazil reminds me
of the travel agency.
The travel agency reminds me
of my boss, and I hate my boss.
He's demanding,
he's unappreciative,
he's dumb, and he's rude.
How's the money?
And he's cheap.
How about tea?
No, I hate tea.
Tea reminds me of coffee.
Coffee reminds me of Brazil.
Brazil reminds me
of the travel agency,
and the travel agency
reminds me of my boss
and I hate my boss.
Scratch the tea.
Hi, gang.
JERRY: - Hello. - Hi.
Here, sweetheart. I
brought you a doughnut.
I can't eat a doughnut
without coffee.
I hate coffee.
Coffee reminds me of
Brazil. Brazil reminds me of...
I'll-I'll-I'll take
the doughnut.
He's been this way for
months. What am I gonna do?
Wear earplugs.
Uh, Larry, why don't we
go in my office and talk
and we can get out of
the line of the sniper fire.
You know, I do
have an idea here.
I realize it may
sound simplistic...
We'll consider the source.
Larry, my friend.
Why don't you just get a job
with another travel agency?
No. Another agency would
just mean another boss.
I don't know, Larry.
Maybe you ought to try
it on your own, you know.
Fly the coop, get out of
the nest, try your own wings.
I think it's a terrific idea!
I think it'll lay an egg.
Come on, Jerry. Think about it.
The Lawrence Bondurant
Travel Agency, Inc.
Yeah, or, uh, Trips With Larry.
Come on, what's he gonna do,
work out of the back of his
car? He doesn't have an office.
I don't have a car.
There's a vacant
office on this very floor.
- That's right.
- I don't think I'm ready to set
up my own office.
I mean, I'd need phones,
I'd need filing cabinets.
I'd need a secretary.
You could have one of the best.
He's not taking
our file cabinets.
I was talking
about me, Jerry. I.
I could do Larry's paperwork
and do his bookings.
And Emily and I could
be your first customers.
We've been talking
about going to Montreal.
And I'd certainly
like to help out.
You can give me a
free trip to Florida.
One-way.
I'm not gonna rip him off.
I'm doing his dental work free.
There's nothing
wrong with my teeth.
That doesn't mean
I shouldn't travel.
Well, I think it's
a terrific idea.
Opening your travel
agency is the right thing to do.
You know, I am really
excited about this.
And I couldn't agree
more. It's a hell of an idea.
And maybe by the time
I get back from Florida,
you'll have a little cavity.
Come on, honey, what do
you think? Your own agency?
I don't know. I'm gonna
have to think about it.
Ooh! Better call my boss,
tell him I'll be a little late.
I hate my boss.
He's demanding,
he's unappreciative
he's dumb, and he's rude.
Hello, sir, this is
Larry Bondurant. I quit.
Nothing personal.
Now... I'll take that coffee.
I'm proud of you, Larry.
Me, too, honey.
Thattaboy, Lar. I'm
gonna pack for Florida.
Uh, Carol, make an
appointment for this man.
I think he needs
a full set of braces.
Well, anyhow, I
have this great idea
for the opening of
Larry's travel agency.
Emily, why don't we
talk about it over dinner?
Where is Howard with the food?
Oh, honey, will you
please be patient?
I mean, Howard is making
us his special Chinese dinner.
Look, Emily, I'm
trying to be patient.
It's a long family tradition
in the Hartley family
that we always have dinner
the same day we have lunch.
You see, what I want to do is,
I want to decorate
the reception hall
so that it really makes the seventh
floor look like a travel agency.
I am so hungry I could
eat the seventh floor.
Honey, don't you feel good that
you really helped a younger man?
Larry's not that young.
Oh, well, I didn't mean
that he was younger.
I mean, it's just
that you're older...
I mean, it's not
that you're older.
It's just that you're
more mature,
and you did something really nice
for somebody who's less mature.
Well, I've always
enjoyed working with kids.
Food!
I wonder if Larry would let me work for
him a couple of hours on the weekends.
Oh, I'm sure he could always
use the help of an older woman.
[laughter]
HOWARD: You guys ready in there?
We're ready,
Howard. We're ready.
Hah... [door closes]
As they say in China,
"Wong Loo Kochi."
What does that mean?
It means, "We're not
responsible for lost articles."
Aw, authentic Chinese
dinner, Howard. How nice.
Howard. You didn't
make this food, did you?
You don't have to pay
for it if you don't want to.
Can we tip?
If you want to.
Well, first let's
taste the food.
Wait-wait. I'll get the dessert.
Well, we'll start
without you, Howard.
Oh, right. That's
right. It'll get cold.
Oh, no, don't worry about
it. I'll put it in the oven.
You don't mean that.
Of course I do.
Howard, how long
will the dessert take?
Well, not too long. I just have
to go and buy it at the store.
Get back here, Howard.
Okay, but I just can't imagine egg
foo yung without chocolate cake.
Try not to think about it.
Pass the shrimp.
Oh, it smells delicious.
- [phone ringing]
- Emily, get the phone.
- Well, you're the closest.
- Yeah, but I'm the hungriest.
Now, what do we start with?
Hello. Oh, hi, Larry.
Pass the shrimp, Howard.
Wait. Let's wait for
Emily. I'll warm it up.
Howard! Pass the shrimp!
- Bob, it's for you.
- Yeah, I'll call him back.
No, it's Larry, Bob, and
he sounds desperate.
Thomas Paine was wrong. These
are the times that try men's souls.
Hello.
Hi... Larry, what can I
do for you in a hurry?
Don't tell me you're
having second thoughts?
You're having third thoughts?
Look, if you really
want this badly,
you're going to have to
extend yourself, Larry.
Yeah, we're all
behind you, Larry.
Every single one of us.
Don't worry, Larry.
If anybody's gonna starve,
it's not gonna be you.
Good talking to you, too. Bye.
Well, it sure took
you long enough.
Now it's cold and I
have to warm it up.
Operator?
Yeah, would you get
me the police, please?
I'm about to commit
a serious crime.
[drumbeat]
[sighs] You know
what I think, Carol?
I think we did a terrific job.
Yeah, you took the words
right out of my mouth.
Oh, I hope Larry likes it.
Oh, I hope Bob likes it.
Carol, what the heck
is going on out here?
I certainly hope Jerry likes it.
Well, I certainly
do not like it.
For one thing, there's
too much noise.
- Can't even hear
my patients screaming.
- [drumbeats end]
Come on, Jerry. This is
for Larry's big opening.
He's promoting the
Polynesian Islands.
Any minute now, I
expect some crazed native
to come leaping out of this
jungle and spear me to death.
That could be arranged.
Ah!
Dr. Hartley, I presume.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
Good afternoon, Bob.
Good afternoon, Sheena.
Well, Bob, do you like it?
I think it's a little subtle.
Where's the wild boar?
Oh, Jerry's over there.
Well, it's certainly different
than any seventh floor
of a medical building
I've ever seen.
Well, I gotta go, honey. I've got
to get to Rent-A-Beast before 2:00.
I'm not even gonna
ask about that.
Well, I am. Rent-A-Beast?
I have to pick up
a plastic roast pig.
Oh. You better hurry. I understand
they're going like hotcakes.
[chuckling] Whoops!
Uh, Carol, could I have
Mrs. Bakerman's file, please?
Uh, sure, Bob.
Uh, it's in there.
Fine. Would you get it for me?
Uh... yeah.
Yeah, I guess so.
I mean, it is my job.
Our secretary looks like a hut.
Very amusing.
This was Emily's idea.
And a very good one.
Just stay away from goats.
Why don't I just stand here,
and when you're
finished ridiculing me,
I'll get you Mrs.
Bakerman's file?
My turn or yours?
Carol, would you get me
Mrs. Bakerman's file, please?
Sure.
Uh, Carol, where's the machete?
I have to go to the bathroom.
Oh, here's Mrs. Bakerman.
Under "Bulgaria."
Bulgaria?
Yeah, well, see, I ran out of filing space,
so I had to join your files with Larry's.
Oh. Could I have
Mr. Peterson's file, please?
Uh-huh.
Ah! Portugal.
- And where's Mr. Herd?
- Mexico.
Why?
I don't know. He said he had
to get away and think for a while.
Wow! This is really something.
Oh, Larry, I'm glad you like it.
Oh, I do.
Look at you. Boy...
- No-no.
- Doesn't she look great, Bob?
Yeah, she sure does. I'm gonna have
her tell Emily where she grows her dresses.
I want to thank you for
all your support, Bob.
I want to thank everybody.
I mean, you got me
to make the move,
and Carol here is
doing all my work.
Emily has these
promotional ideas.
I'm not doing a single thing.
How's business?
It's terrible.
But, with all of you behind
me, I'm sure it'll work out.
Won't it?
Sure it will, honey.
You gotta trust us.
Oh, Bob, I haven't been
this excited since Larry and I...
Well, let's just say I haven't
been this excited in quite...
- Let's just not say anything.
- Some time.
Well, maybe I should
water the plants.
You should be in your
office. You're an executive.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
It's just that it gets
kinda lonely in there.
Well, you know, getting a new business
off the ground can be kinda rough.
I remember my first year in
business, I only had one patient.
But fortunately, Mr. Carlin
came in every day.
Yeah, what am I worried about?
Carol, would you please
get Mr. Carlin's file for me?
Sure.
And, Carol, would you
call an exterminator?
I think there's some
tsetse flies in my office.
[drumbeat]
[blowing nose]
You know, Bob, I think
you're catching a cold.
I have malaria.
Well, don't worry. The Polynesian
Village will be gone next week.
Good.
Yeah, we're having
a Yukon Jamboree.
You know, I wondered
why they were measuring
the reception area
for Astro-tundra.
Bob, what would you think
if we had an igloo
over Carol's desk?
Why stop there? Why not
get a whole Eskimo family?
Come on, don't you feel good about
the way we helped change Larry's life?
I don't know how much we've changed
Larry's life. I know it's changed my life.
I mean, he has nothing
to do. He just sits in
my office all day and
talks about vacations.
Speaking of vacations,
I was wondering
what would it cost if we took our
vacation in Hawaii instead of Montreal?
Uh, $415 double occupancy
at the Kailua Palona,
including tip, one
drink with an orchid in it,
a free Hawaiian shirt,
free surfboard ride,
and one Don Ho album.
Oh, yeah? Which one?
Tiny Bubbles?
No, I think it's Best of Don Ho.
Oh, good.
That probably has
"Tiny Bubbles" on it.
I think you have tiny
bubbles in your head.
Bob, what are you
so miffed about?
I mean, you were the one who
encouraged Larry to go out on his own.
I know, but I never realized
the reception area would look like
Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.
Well, what difference
does it make?
It helps Larry, and
it doesn't hurt you.
I'm sure that Freud didn't have
a roast pig in his reception area.
Pavlov had dogs.
Aloha, Emily.
Bob. Bob, honey. I
want to tell you a story.
No, no, please.
No, Bob, this is a story about when
I did something nice for somebody
and it backfired, but it all
turned out well in the end.
Now, wait. Is this the story about
when you were in high school
and you were dating
the football player
and you had this ugly girlfriend
and she couldn't get any dates
and you talked the football
player into taking her out on a date
and they fell in love
and they got married?
Yes, that's the story.
I've heard it.
You left out the part where
it turns out well in the end.
You lost the football
player, but you found me.
There were a few
players in between.
And a lot of second stringers.
EMILY: - Bob? - Yo.
When you get off
the elevator tomorrow,
I hope you fall on
your Astro-tundra.
[knocking on door]
[knocking on door continues]
Just a minute!
Hi, Emily. You busy?
Carol, it's 3:00 in the morning.
Oh... Gee, I only have 10 of.
Oh, well, then, my
mistake. Come on in.
Is Bob home?
No, he's playing golf.
I'm sorry, Emily. Truly I am, but I just
have to talk to you and Bob about Larry.
All right, Carol. Sit
down. I'll get him.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Bob! There's someone
here to see you.
BOB: It's 3:00 in the morning!
No, honey, it's only 10 of.
Oh, I'll be right out then.
[yawning] I'll go
make some coffee.
Oh, I brought some.
You brought a lot.
Well, I have a
lot to talk about.
Carol, do you
know what time it is?
I know what time it is, Bob,
and I'm really sorry to disturb you,
but I'm very depressed
and I have to talk to you,
so I wish you'd just listen
and stop asking me if
I know what time it is.
- Bob.
- Hm.
I'm-I'm sorry. What time is it?
Have some coffee, Bob.
EMILY: All right, Carol.
Now, what's wrong?
I don't know.
[groaning] Oh.
Bob, no.
Bob, I know what's wrong.
I know what's wrong, Bob.
I just don't know
what to do about it.
Why don't we start by you
telling me what's wrong?
Do you know where
Larry is right now?
If he has any sense,
he's sound asleep.
He is asleep.
At his office, in the hopes
that a customer will come in.
Nothing's happening, Bob.
He's getting real depressed again.
What are we gonna do?
[yawning] Well, Carol, he
knew it was gonna be rough.
I mean,
getting a business
off the ground is, uh...
is always... Now,
see, that's the trouble.
Larry's business
is off the ground.
Seven floors. In
a medical building.
I mean, how's he
supposed to make a living?
Oh, I'm sorry, Carol, but, you
know, it's 3:00 in the morning.
I know what time it is.
Do you know what time it is?
Oh... Howard, what
are you doing awake?
Oh, well, uh, my watch stopped
ticking and it woke me up.
I can't go to sleep until
I know what time it is.
- It's 3:00.
- Oh, thank you.
Is that coffee?
Yeah, you want some?
Well, I'd prefer tea.
The kitchen is closed, Howard.
Well, then, I'll just take the
coffee then. Maybe a brownie?
Right. Coffee's fine.
[gasps]
We've gotta do something.
Why don't we make some brownies?
Bob? Emily? Come
up with some ideas.
Well... maybe you should
tell Larry to get a better office.
Oh, he can't. It's
too expensive.
Well, we could loan
him some money.
Oh, honey, no.
He'd never take that.
Gee, I wish he'd go
back to his old job.
Oh, that'd kill him.
Well, I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I'm afraid I don't
know what to do.
I know what to do.
Howard, you don't
know what to do.
You never know what to do.
Usually I don't know what to
do, but this time I know what to do.
What have we got to lose?
- Nothing.
- All right, Howard,
tell us what to do.
All right, first of all, tell
him to stop his sniveling,
get off your backs and
stand on his own two feet.
Emily, stop doing
his thinking for him,
and, Carol, stop making
those phone calls for him.
And you, you over there,
next time he comes whining and
bellyaching and begging for advice,
tell him to shove off!
Howard, that is probably the
most insensitive, callous suggestion
I have ever heard come out of
the mouth of one human being.
I can't believe that
you are telling us
to pull the carpet out from under
a dear, sweet, vulnerable man
like Larry Bondurant.
You louse.
Howard, you know what Larry
would tell me if I said that to him?
He'd probably say,
"Go peddle your papers."
Howard, I'm gonna pretend I
never even heard what you said.
Howard, I am just
so ashamed of you.
Carol, you know the way out.
I sure do.
[sarcastically] Thanks, Howard.
It's nice to know
who your friends are.
Emily?
[flatly] What?
I'll take that tea now.
That's okay. I'll get it myself.
Bob, it's freezing out there.
It's supposed to be.
It's Yukon Jamboree.
That's no reason that
I'm supposed to suffer.
I am sick of this, Bob.
Larry has got to go.
You want him
out? Get rid of him.
Me? You brought
him here. You tell him.
It's always me, isn't it, Jerry?
Yeah. 'Cause
you're the, uh, oldest.
No, it's not up to me.
It's up to me to support
him, to stand by him.
I mean, the man is on the verge
of collapse. He needs our support.
All right, forget about
it. By this time tomorrow,
we'll be dead anyway.
Frozen stiff in that
reception area out there.
Hi, guys. Anybody seen Carol?
Yeah, I sent her down
for a cupful of blubber.
Hi.
Hi.
How's it going?
Fine.
Good.
Uh, Larry, I hope you don't mind. I
have some work I have to do here.
- Want me to help?
- No.
Isn't there something you
could do in your own office?
No, there's nothing there.
Airfares are up. Travel is down.
I'm at the end of my rope, Bob.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
You know, we were...
we were sitting around and
talking about that the other night.
Emily came up with a suggestion.
Maybe you ought to
find a better location.
No. Impossible. I
could never afford it.
Yeah, that's what
we thought you'd say,
so I came up with the suggestion
that I loan you some money.
I could never accept it.
Then that led to Carol's suggestion that
maybe you'd try to get your old job back.
Rather be dead.
Then that leaves us
with Howard's suggestion.
What's that?
- Never mind. It was ridiculous.
- Oh, whatever you say.
Boy, I wish Carol
would get back.
I'd like her to make
some phone calls for me.
Make 'em yourself!
What?
Well, make your own phone calls!
I mean, quit leaning
on everybody!
Stand on your own two feet!
Stop whining and
bellyaching 24 hours a day!
If you want to make
it, make it yourself!
You know, it's
just a suggestion.
I like it.
You do?
Yeah. Makes sense.
It does?
Yeah. Boy, nothing
else seems to be working.
I should've gone with my
instincts from the beginning.
If I listen to everybody
else around here,
I'm gonna end up
in the poorhouse.
I don't understand.
Well, you're the one who told me to
take the stupid office in the first place.
Carol insisted on doing
all of my paperwork.
Emily has these
crazy promotion ideas.
I mean, who wants to go to the
Yukon in the middle of the winter?
Well, you know, maybe if you gave
them a couple of Don Ho albums.
Oh, Bob. I'm the guy who
understands the travel business.
And from now on, I'm
gonna run it my way.
Larry, you know, if I
can be of any help...
Bob, just go peddle your papers.
I thought you might say that.
[kitten meowing]