The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 23 - Shrinking Violence - full transcript

MORNING, JERRY. SORRY I'M LATE.

OH, THAT'S OKAY, CAROL.

- HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?
- VERY NICE.

HOW DO YOU LIKE MY NEW HAT?

LOOKS LIKE A DOG'S BREAKFAST.

YOU KNOW, JERR, I ALWAYS
TRY TO BE NICE TO YOU.

ALWAYS PLEASANT,
ALWAYS CHEERFUL.

I MAKE YOUR COFFEE,
TYPE YOUR LETTERS.

PICK UP YOUR LAUNDRY.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
ACT LIKE SUCH SLIME?

CAN'T HELP MYSELF. I'M
THE KING OF THE INSULTS.



MORNING, MR. CARLIN.

HI, CAROL.

GOOD LIKENESS.

- THE KING IS DEAD.
- LONG LIVE THE KING.

HERE THEY ARE,
THE THREE STOOGES.

AND HERE'S MR. CARLIN,
SPREADING JOY WHEREVER HE GOES.

WHY IS EVERYBODY
SO CHEERFUL TODAY?

BECAUSE IT'S A WONDERFUL DAY.

THE SUN IS BEAMING. THE
BREEZE IS MURMURING.

AND THE FLOWERS ARE PUSHING

THEIR DAINTY HEADS
TOWARDS THE HEAVENS.

WHY DON'T YOU PUSH YOUR
DAINTY HEAD THROUGH A WALL?

MR. CARLIN, THOSE OF US
WHO WERE HERE ON TIME

ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A SESSION.



DO YOU WANT TO
TAKE A SEAT PLEASE?

GO AHEAD, MR. HERD.

MY BOSS TOLD ME I
WAS TURNING INTO

A HALFWAY DECENT SALESMAN.

HE'S PROBABLY GETTING
READY TO CAN YOU.

HAVE YOU HEARD SOMETHING?

MR. HERD, DON'T PAY
ANY ATTENTION TO HIM.

I'M SURE IT'S NOT TRUE.

NO, I WON'T.

HOPE I CAN FIND A NEW JOB.

MAYBE GOODYEAR'S
LOOKING FOR ANOTHER BLIMP.

MR. CARLIN, EVERY TIME
YOU'RE IN A GRUMPY MOOD,

YOU COME IN HERE
AND TAKE IT OUT ON US.

ESPECIALLY POOR MR. HERD.

- WELL, HE DESERVES IT.
- HE DOES NOT.

YES, I DO.

MR. CARLIN, I THINK YOU'RE
MISDIRECTING YOUR ANGER.

YOU SHOULD DIRECT IT AT THE
PEOPLE YOU'RE REALLY MAD AT.

WHO AM I REALLY MAD AT?

I... I DON'T KNOW.

AH, BRILLIANT.

LOOK, MR. CARLIN, WHY
DON'T YOU OPEN UP?

DIG IN TO YOUR PAST. TELL
US WHO THAT SOMEONE IS.

OKAY. WELL, EVERYBODY DID

MAKE A LOT OF FUN OF
ME IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

THE KIDS EVEN VOTED ME THE
BOY MOST LIKELY TO GO BALD.

YOU KNOW, KIDS CAN BE CRUEL.

SPARE ME YOUR
PITY, SPINACH-BREATH.

MR. CARLIN.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MY
BREATH PROBABLY DOES

SMELL LIKE SPINACH.

WHEN THESE... WHEN THESE
KIDS MADE FUN OF YOU,

DID YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?

NO. EVEN THEN I WAS TOO
BIG OF A PERSON TO BE ANGRY.

BUT DON'T YOU SEE,
MR. CARLIN, YOU WERE ANGRY.

AND YOU SHOULD'VE
LET THEM KNOW IT.

WHY DON'T YOU GO
KNIT YOURSELF A MASK?

DR. HARTLEY SAYS, "ALWAYS
TAKE YOUR ANGER OUT

ON THE RIGHT PEOPLE."

YOU WILL FEEL A LOT BETTER.

AAH!

- YOU STUCK ME.
- YES.

AND I FEEL A LOT BETTER.

MRS. BAKERMAN, YOU WANNA PUT

YOUR KNITTING
NEEDLES DOWN, PLEASE?

ALL RIGHT. BUT DON'T
RILE ME, BUSTER.

MR. CARLIN, I'D LIKE TO TELL
YOU AN INTERESTING STORY.

OH, I LOVE YOUR STORIES.

SOMETIMES THEY PUT ME TO SLEEP.

WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL,

THERE WAS A KID IN
SCHOOL NAMED HANK JONES.

WE USED TO CALL HIM GODZILLA.

AND HE WAS A BULLY,

AND HE HAD ARMS LIKE TREE TRUNKS

AND A BREATH LIKE SPINACH.

NO OFFENSE, MR. HERD.

AND...

IN CAFETERIA EVERY DAY, HE
WOULD PUT HIS THUMBPRINT

RIGHT IN MY SANDWICH.

OH, THAT'S A TERRIBLE
WASTE OF A GOOD SANDWICH.

WELL, I'D... I'D EAT AROUND IT.

IN ANY EVENT, I WENT HOME,

AND I STARTED TO
YELL AT MY FATHER.

AND MY DAD SAID TO ME,
"YOU'RE NOT MAD AT ME.

YOU'RE MAD AT GODZILLA."

HE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO
BACK THERE AND STAND UP TO HIM?"

WHAT HAPPENED?

GODZILLA PUT HIS
THUMB IN MY NOSE.

HEY, WHAT'S THE
POINT OF ALL THIS?

WELL, I HAVEN'T GOTTEN
TO THE POINT YET.

YOU RARELY DO.

I THOUGHT IT WAS A
WONDERFUL STORY.

I WAS JUST GETTING QUITE DROWSY.

WELL, WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY

IS THAT YOU SHOULD GET MAD

AT THE RIGHT PEOPLE, NOT AT US.

OKAY, OKAY. I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

WE'RE YOUR FRIENDS, MR. CARLIN.

YEAH, I MEAN, I REALLY LIKE YOU.

GET YOUR HANDS
OFF ME, SLUSH-FACE.

AAH!

[BOB WHISTLES]

HI, BOB.

WELL, I GUESS I GOT BACK OKAY.

WHAT'RE YOU DOING?

UH, BOWLING.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

I'M MAKING A SANDWICH, HOWARD.

THAT SURE LOOKS GOOD. I...

I WOULD TO GO OVER TO
MY APARTMENT TO MAKE ONE.

BUT I'M ALL OUT OF
THE MAYONNAISE.

AND THE BREAD.

MEAT.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR
REFRIGERATOR, HOWARD?

FROST.

WANT HALF OF MY SANDWICH?

OH, THANKS, BOB. IT SAVES
ME FROM EATING FROST.

UH-UH... YOUR HALF IS
BIGGER THAN MY HALF.

NO, I WAS WRONG.

THERE'S A THUMBPRINT
IN THIS HALF.

EAT AROUND IT.

GOOD... GOOD DAY?

TERRIFIC.

WHAT'S... WHAT'S WRONG?

MY CAR IS STILL IN THE SHOP,

AND THE MECHANIC SAYS
IT'LL BE THERE ANOTHER WEEK.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- SOMETHING UNDER THE HOOD.

YOU CAN THANK YOUR LUCKY
STARS IT WASN'T THE ENGINE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
IT IS. ALL I KNOW IS,

I'M GONNA BE WITHOUT A
CAR FOR ANOTHER WEEK.

AND THERE'S NOTHING
I CAN DO ABOUT IT,

AND I'M FRUSTRATED.

YEAH.

I FEEL THE SAME WAY EVERY
TIME I LOOK AT MY REFRIGERATOR.

THEN I LOOK IN
YOUR REFRIGERATOR,

AND I REALIZE THE... WELL,

THE REFRIGERATORS ARE GREEN
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HALL.

EXCEPT WHEN MY
REFRIGERATOR HAS CHEESE IN IT.

THEN IT'S GREEN ON BOTH SIDES.

- HOWARD.
- WHAT?

SHUT UP.

YEAH, WELL, BOB...

I'LL BE BACK IN...
IN A WEEK OR TWO.

YOU'RE NOT MAD AT HOWARD.
YOU'RE UPSET ABOUT THE CAR.

OH, YOU'RE SUCH A
GOODY TWO-SHOES.

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'LL APOLOGIZE TO HOWARD,

BUT MARVIN THE MECHANIC IS
REALLY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME.

- DID YOU TELL HIM THAT?
- NO...

DID YOU ASK FOR A LOANER CAR?

NO.

DID YOU SPEAK TO HIS BOSS?

NO.

WELL, WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?

- BOB.
- YEAH?

SHUT UP.

EMILY, RIGHT NOW
YOU'RE MAD AT MARVIN.

AND IF YOU LET THAT ANGER
IN YOUR STOMACH GROW,

IT'LL GO FROM A SMALL
PEBBLE TO A LARGE STONE.

PEBBLES DON'T GROW.

OH, WELL THEN...
LET'S MAKE IT GRAPES.

GRAPES OF WRATH.

ALL RIGHT, NOW I'VE GOT
GRAPES IN MY STOMACH.

NOW WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO ABOUT THAT?

WELL, GET RID OF 'EM.

CALL MARVIN ON THE PHONE.
TELL HIM YOU NEED THE CAR.

IF HE SAYS NO, GET
TOUGH WITH HIM.

- ME?
- EMILY, YOU'RE A FIGHTER.

YOU'RE FEISTY.
YOU'RE FULL OF SPUNK.

DON'T LET 'EM TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF YOU.

SHOW 'EM NO MERCY.

YEAH, LET ME AT 'EM.

YOU'LL MURDER THE BUM.

YOU'D BETTER BELIEVE IT.

HELLO? GIVE ME MARVIN.

THEY'RE GETTING MARVIN.

HELLO, MARVIN. THIS
IS EMILY HARTLEY.

UH, DID YOU THINK I COULD
HAVE MY CAR TOMORROW?

OH, WELL, I MEAN, IF
YOU'RE BUSY, YOU'RE BUSY.

NO-NO-NO, IT'S NO TROUBLE.

SORRY TO BOTHER YOU. BYE.

BOY, YOU REALLY TOLD HIM.

THESE CANDIES ARE
EXCELLENT, MR. CARLIN.

YES, I MUST SAY, WE'D LIKE TO ALL
THANK YOU FOR BRINGING THEM IN.

OH, IT'S NOTHING AT ALL.

IT'S MY WAY OF SAYING
THAT I'M KIND OF SORRY

FOR BEING SO NASTY
FOR THE LAST, HMM...

- SEVEN YEARS.
- YES, SEVEN YEARS.

WHAT A CAD I'VE BEEN.

LIKE SOME CANDY?

YOU KNOW, I MUST
SAY, MR. CARLIN.

I LIKE THIS CHANGE IN YOU.

YES. YOU'RE NO LONGER A JACKASS.

WELL, I OWE IT ALL
TO DR. HARTLEY.

HE MADE ME REALIZE THAT
I REALLY LIKE YOU PEOPLE.

EVEN THOUGH YOU
ARE BLITHERING IDIOTS.

I... I THINK HE MEANT
THAT AS A COMPLIMENT.

OH. WELL THEN,

I WILL LAY DOWN MY
NEEDLES IN FRIENDSHIP.

GOOD. YOU SEE,
I'VE DECIDED THAT,

INSTEAD OF SPEWING
MY ANGER AT RANDOM,

I WILL DIRECT IT AT
SELECTED TARGETS.

EVERYONE WHO HAS
EVER BEEN MEAN TO ME.

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST BRING
IN THE CHICAGO PHONE BOOK?

BECAUSE SOME OF THESE
NAMES ARE FROM OUT OF TOWN.

THEY'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.

WE'RE NOT TALKING
ABOUT A VENDETTA HERE

AGAINST ANYONE WHO EVER
LOOKED SIDEWAYS AT YOU.

WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IS
LETTING OUT TODAY'S ANGER TODAY.

BUT OF COURSE. HOW
NEARSIGHTED OF ME.

WELL, WHY DON'T WE
DELVE INTO THIS SUBJECT

AT OUR NEXT SESSION?

I'LL BE COUNTING THE HOURS.

BOY, DR. HARTLEY,
THEY HAVE IT EASY.

I CAN'T SEEM TO
GET MAD AT ANYBODY.

YOU KNOW, IT ALL
STAYS INSIDE ME.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
YOU MAY NOT BELIEVE IT,

BUT I HATE BEING CALLED NAMES

AND BEING MADE FUN OF
AND BEING USED AS A DOORMAT

AND BEING... OH, A WHIPPING BOY.

YOU KNOW, IT REALLY BOTHERS ME

THAT I JUST CAN'T
GET MY ANGER OUT,

AND I'M SO NICE TO EVERYBODY!

MR. HERD, YOU'RE ANGRY NOW.

- WELL, I'M SORRY.
- WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S A STEP IN THE
RIGHT DIRECTION.

AND I'M SURE THAT
SOMEDAY YOU'LL FEEL

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
APOLOGIZE FOR IT.

AND WHEN THAT DAY COMES,

I WILL SHARPEN YOU A
PAIR OF KNITTING NEEDLES

THAT COULD STOP A
BUFFALO IN ITS TRACKS.

- CAROL, CAN I...
- SORRY.

CAROL, A GIRL AS
BEAUTIFUL AS YOU

DOESN'T HAVE ANY
NEED OF MAKE-UP.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT A LOW BLOW. THAT
REALLY TAKES THE CAKE.

RIDICULING MY RECEPTIONIST.

ROBINSON, I'VE BEEN THINKING.

WE'VE BEEN ENEMIES FOR SO LONG.

WHY DON'T WE JUST
BURY THE HATCHET?

YEAH, IN YOUR SKULL.

EXCUSE ME, ELLIOT. IS
THIS MAN PROVOKING YOU?

I AM EXPERIENCING

A CERTAIN DEGREE
OF ANNOYANCE, ED,

BUT I THINK I CAN DEAL WITH IT.

ROBINSON, YOU'RE ON MY LIST.

NOW YOU'VE HAD IT.

BUTT OUT, BLOB.

WHO DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE TALKING TO?

GOOD FOR YOU, MR. HERD!

MY NAME'S NOT BLOB.

IT'S HERD, AND IN THE FUTURE,

ADDRESS ME AS MR. HERD.

HOW ABOUT MR. BLOB?

THAT DOES IT. LILLIAN,
THE KNITTING NEEDLES.

I DON'T THINK YOU DID
THAT RIGHT, MR. HERD.

NO, THAT'S OKAY. CONSIDER
THAT JUST A WARNING.

[BOB WHISTLES]

HI, BOB. I THOUGHT
I'D JUST DROP BY.

HOWARD, DO YOU HAVE A SIXTH
SENSE THAT DETECTS FOOD?

NO, IT'S JUST YOU'VE
GOT A DULL ROUTINE.

THAT'S ALL.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

WELL, YOU PLAY GOLF
EVERY SATURDAY, RIGHT?

YOU COME IN AT 4:02.

YOU MAKE A SANDWICH AT 4:10.

AND YOU EAT IT AT 4:18.

HOWARD, I'M NOT THAT
SETTLED IN MY WAYS.

WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?

4:18.

IS IT 4:19 YET?

- YEAH.
- GOOD.

THAT'S... THAT'S A NICE...

A NICE-LOOKING SANDWICH.

YEAH, IT'S VERY ATTRACTIVE.
IT GOES WITH THE ROOM.

CAN I HAVE MOST OF IT?

WILL YOU SETTLE FOR HALF OF IT?

IF YOU WANNA BE STINGY.

WHERE'S... WHERE'S EMILY?

SHE WENT TO PICK UP
HER CAR AT THE MECHANIC.

THOSE GUYS STILL TAKING
ADVANTAGE OF HER?

I HOPE NOT.

I HATE PEOPLE WHO TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF OTHER PEOPLE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY MUSTARD?

HOPE THAT MEAT'S STILL GOOD.

HI, HONEY.

HOW'D IT GO?

DON'T... DON'T TELL
ME. LET ME GUESS.

TEN BLOCKS FROM THE REPAIR SHOP,

AND THE CAR BROKE DOWN AGAIN.

WELL, DID YOU HAVE
IT TOWED BACK?

NO, I CARRIED IT
ON MY SHOULDERS.

AND THEN THEY HAD THE CAR.
THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO FIX IT.

THEY DIDN'T. WHY?

BEATS ME.

OH, HOWARD, PLEASE.

EMILY, I THINK YOU
OUGHTA GO BACK THERE.

YOU SHOULDN'T LET
'EM DO THIS TO YOU.

OH, BOB, PLEASE. NOW,
I DON'T FEEL FEISTY.

I DON'T FEEL SPUNKY.

AND I DON'T WANNA HEAR
ANY MORE ABOUT GRAPES.

I'D LIKE SOME GRAPES.

YOU WANT ME TO HANDLE IT?

WELL, I CAN'T DO
ANYTHING ANYMORE.

WELL, GOOD. I'LL CALL UP MARVIN.

IT'S PROBABLY FOR THE
BEST ANYWAY, YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW, WOMEN AND CARS.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

WELL, YOU KNOW, TRYING
TO SAY IN MY CLUMSY WAY

THAT IT'D BE A LOT
EASIER FOR YOU,

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WERE
HAVING TROUBLE WITH A...

DRESS OR PURSE.

WHY DON'T YOU GO BAKE A CAKE?

HOWARD. I DON'T WANNA
HAVE TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.

EMILY, WILL YOU JUST CALM DOWN?

YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING.

HELLO, MARVIN?

YEAH, THIS IS BOB HARTLEY.

EMILY HARTLEY'S HUSBAND.

I... I DON'T KNOW.

ARE YOU THE LADY THAT
MUMBLES UNDER HER BREATH

ALL THE TIME?

YEAH.

YEAH. NOW GET THIS,

AND GET IT GOOD,
BECAUSE I'M NOT MUMBLING.

I'M NOT MUMBLING.

I WANNA TALK TO YOU
MONDAY ABOUT OUR CAR.

CAR.

ANY TIME YOU SAY, CHIEF.

SIX O'CLOCK IN THE
MORNING? I'LL BE THERE.

DON'T BE LATE.

SLUSH-FACE.

I'LL BRING YOU SOME
COFFEE AND DONUTS.

MARVIN'LL BE HERE
IN A FEW MINUTES.

YOU'D BETTER GET A MOVE
ON. I GOT A LOT ON MY MIND.

OH, ARE YOU HERE TO
COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR CAR?

YOU'RE DARN RIGHT.

THEN YOU DON'T GET ANY DONUTS.

JUST AS WELL, BOB.
DONUTS WOULD ONLY

MAKE YOU COMPLACENT.

- I'LL HAVE A DONUT.
- ARE YOU WITH HIM?

YEAH, BUT I'M NOT A COMPLAINER.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
THESE PLACES ARE ALL ALIKE.

AUTO PARTS, TIRES... DONUTS.

YOU KNOW, I TOLD HIM
TO BE HERE ON TIME,

AND HE'S LATE.

YEAH, I'D HATE TO
BE IN HIS SHOES.

GOOD MORNING,
FELLAS. I'M MARVIN.

WELL, I'M...

UH, YOU KNOW, IT
STARTED OUT LIKE

IT WAS GONNA BE REAL
OVERCAST THIS MORNING.

BUT LOOKS LIKE OLD SOL'S GONNA
PEEK THROUGH THOSE CLOUDS.

LOOK, CAN WE KNOCK
OFF THE SMALL TALK?

GET DOWN TO BRASS TACKS?

WHAT'S HAPPENING
WITH MY WIFE'S CAR?

WHO'S "OLD SOL?"

OKAY, LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT THIS REPAIR SHEET.

WE'LL STRAIGHTEN THIS
THING RIGHT OUT. HEY...

HAVE A SEAT, FELLAS.

STAND UP, BOB. STAY
MEAN, STAY HUNGRY.

OH BOY. WELL,

ACCORDING TO THIS REPAIR SHEET,

IT LOOKS LIKE WE REALLY
HAVE SOME BIG PROBLEMS.

MAYBE YOU OUGHTA GO
TO MECHANIC SCHOOL.

WELL GEE, BOB,
WE DO. BELIEVE ME.

YOU SEE, WE SEND OUR
MEN TO A REFRESHER COURSE

EVERY SIX MONTHS.

HEY, SOME OF OUR GUYS
HAVE THEIR GOLD WRENCH.

BIG DEAL.

NOW YOU'RE ROLLIN'.

LOOK, WHEN IS MY
CAR GONNA BE READY?

WELL, YOU SEE, UNFORTUNATELY,

WE'RE WAITING FOR
A PRESSURE PLATE

FOR YOUR CLUTCH, SEE?

AND, WELL, THE
FACTORY'S ON STRIKE.

WELL, UNFORTUNATELY,
WE'RE WAITING

FOR YOU TO GET OFF YOUR KEISTER.

TAKE NO PRISONERS, BOB.

I TELL YOU, IT LOOKS LIKE

IT'S GONNA TAKE
TWO WEEKS, AT LEAST.

- WHEN?
- TWO WEEKS.

- WHEN?
- TWO WEEKS.

WHEN?!

I THINK YOU'D BETTER GO
ON TO SOMETHING ELSE.

LOOK, I WANT MY CAR.

I WANT IT NOW!

OR... OR FAIRLY SOON.

WHENEVER YOU... WHENEVER
YOU GET AROUND TO IT.

I TELL YOU, BOB, IT'S
GONNA BE TWO WEEKS.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHO
YOU'RE TANGLING WITH?

HIS MIDDLE NAME IS TROUBLE.

NO, NO, IT ISN'T.

MY MIDDLE NAME IS ANTHONY.

BOB, WHY... WHY DON'T YOU LET ME

TAKE CARE OF THIS AND LET
ME WORRY ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

AND I'LL SEE YOU IN A
COUPLE OF WEEKS, ALL RIGHT?

I'M TALKING ABOUT TWO WEEKS.

YOU'VE GOT MY WORD ON IT...

UNLESS, SEE, AFTER
WE GET THE CLUTCH IN,

IT TURNS OUT THAT THE
THROWOUT BEARING'S SHOT TOO,

IN WHICH CASE, WE'D HAVE
TO YANK THE ENGINE AGAIN,

AND IT COULD TAKE AS
LONG AS FOUR WEEKS.

THAT'S IT, BUSTER. LET'S
GO OUT IN THE ALLEY.

WE DON'T HAVE AN ALLEY.

YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW LUCKY YOU ARE.

BOB.

YOU CAN STEP OUT THERE.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. YOUR
CAR'S OUT IN THE BACK,

AND I CAN SHOW YOU WHAT'S
WRONG WITH YOUR CLUTCH.

- COME ON.
- I CAN SHOW YOU

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE.

HERE'S YOUR DONUTS.
YOUR COFFEE'LL BE READY

- IN A MINUTE.
- WHEN?

- IN A MINUTE.
- WHEN?!

- IN A MINUTE.
- HOW'D YOU LIKE

TO STEP OUTSIDE, CLUTCH-FACE?

GOOD MORNING, CAROL.

YOU'RE LOOKING
SIMPLY FANTASTIC TODAY.

I MUST BE ON THE WRONG FLOOR.

NO-NO-NO, CAROL. I DECIDED THAT,

IF ELLIOTT CARLIN
CAN BE PLEASANT,

SO CAN I.

OH, CARLIN,

YOU ARE LOOKING
QUITE DAPPER TODAY.

WELL, THANK YOU,
ROBINSON. SO ARE YOU.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN
THINKING, ELLIOT.

WE SHOULD SEE
EACH OTHER. SOCIALLY.

WHAT, YOU MEAN
GO OUT TO A MOVIE?

- MAYBE HAVE DINNER?
- SPLENDID IDEA.

I'M IN THE WRONG BUILDING.

- WELL, I AM LATE FOR GROUP.
- HOPE TO SEE YOU SOON.

- DON'T BE A STRANGER.
- TA-TA.

CHEERIO.

HE'S STILL A CLOWN.

I'M REALLY SO SORRY I'M LATE,
BUT IT WAS SUCH A WONDERFUL DAY

THAT I DECIDED TO STOP
AND SMELL THE ROSES.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, MR. CARLIN.

LILLIAN, YOU'RE
AS LOVELY AS EVER.

OH... YES.

AND HOW'S MY WONDERFUL,
ROUND LITTLE CHERUB?

AND THERE'S MY MAIN MAN.

KINDLY DR. BOB.

NICE SHADES. YOU
LOOK LIKE A MOVIE STAR.

WELL, I HAVE A SLIGHT HEADACHE,

AND MY EYES ARE
A LITTLE SENSITIVE.

YOU'RE A SENSITIVE
PERSON, DR. HARTLEY.

THANK YOU... THANK
YOU VERY MUCH.

MR. CARLIN, DO YOU
WANT TO TAKE A SEAT?

YOU KNOW I DO.

ALL RIGHT, MR. HERD,
YOU WERE TELLING US

WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY.

OH, RIGHT. OH, YOU WOULD'VE
BEEN PROUD OF ME, DR. HARTLEY.

I WAS EATING IN A RESTAURANT,
AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT...

THE WAITER DIDN'T
GIVE ME ANY SALT!

THAT INCOMPETENT OAF!

OH, I WAS WHITE WITH RAGE.

HOW DID YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

I SET FIRE TO MY MENU.

OH. RIGHT ON.

NICE TOUCH, ED.

I'M NOT SURE YOU MAY
NOT HAVE GONE TOO FAR.

YOU SHOULD'VE TURNED
HIM INTO A SHISH KEBAB.

- YEAH.
- NOW HOLD IT.

THE ANSWER IS NOT
SKEWERING PEOPLE

OR SETTING FIRE TO RESTAURANTS

OR MAKING DEATH LISTS.

THERE'S AN OBVIOUS
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING ANGRY

AND MAKING AN IDIOT
OUT OF YOURSELF.

ARE YOU CALLING US IDIOTS?

NO, I'M CALLING ME AN IDIOT.

[LILLIAN GASPS]

ONE OF YOUR EYES IS BLACK.

WERE YOU IN A FIGHT?

I DON'T THINK ONE PUNCH
CONSTITUTES A FIGHT.

I HAD A RUN-IN WITH
AN AUTO MECHANIC.

I RAN INTO HIS FIST.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS
YOU LET YOUR ANGER OUT.

THE IMPORTANT
THING IS I'M STILL ALIVE.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
TO GET YOU THAT MAD,

HE MUST'VE BEEN
A TERRIBLE PERSON.

NO, ACTUALLY, HE WAS VERY NICE.

THEN YOU MUST'VE BEEN
THE TERRIBLE PERSON.

ONE COULD SAY THAT.

WE COULD ALL SAY THAT.

WELL, DR. HARTLEY, DID YOU
LEARN ANYTHING FROM THIS?

WELL, I LEARNED THAT SOMETIMES
THE WORDS "SLUSH-FACE"

CAN... CAN RUB AN AUTO
MECHANIC THE WRONG WAY.

I'VE ALSO LEARNED THAT,
ALTHOUGH IT'S ALL RIGHT

TO SHOW YOUR ANGER, YOU
SHOULD TEMPER YOUR ANGER

WITH... WITH COMMON SENSE.

I MEAN, WHAT IS A PERSON
LIKE MYSELF DOING IN A FIGHT?

GETTING HIS BRAINS BEAT OUT.

WHY... WHY DON'T WE
MOVE BACK TO SQUARE ONE,

AND LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK

AT HOW WE SHOULD
DEAL WITH ANGER.

- I AGREE.
- I AGREE, TOO.

HOW ABOUT YOU, ELLIOT?

SHUT YOUR FACE, TOAD-BRAIN.

OH, HI. HI, MARVIN.

HEY, HI, BOB. HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

- HOW'S THE EYE?
- OH, FINE.

AH, YEAH, SO SORRY. I
FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT.

I DIDN'T SLEEP FOR THREE NIGHTS.

HEY, LISTEN, I... I
PROVOKED YOU.

YOU HAD NO CHOICE.
YOU KNOW, I'M JUST...

I'M JUST GLAD I
DIDN'T RETALIATE.

WELL, I HOPE YOU'LL LET
BYGONES BE BYGONES,

AND WE CAN BE FRIENDS.

WE VALUE YOUR BUSINESS.

WELL, LISTEN, THAT
BASKET OF FRUIT

WAS REAL NICE.

IT WASN'T NECESSARY.

OH, I FELT IT WAS.
IT WAS JUST KIND OF,

YOU KNOW, MY WAY OF
SAYING I'M SORRY, YOU KNOW?

SO, CAN I PICK UP THE CAR?

OH, YOU SURE CAN.
IT'S READY TO GO.

EVERYTHING IS SHIP-SHAPE,
AND SHE RUNS LIKE A TOPPEROO.

WHAT'S THE DAMAGES?

IT LOOKS LIKE, UH... $415.

HOW MUCH?

UH, $415.

HOW MUCH?

$415.

YOU DON'T REALLY EXPECT
ME TO PAY THAT, DO YA?

EITHER THAT, OR I'M
GONNA HAVE TO SEND YOU

ANOTHER BASKET OF FRUIT.

DO YOU TAKE CHECKS?

♪♪ [THEME SONG]