The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 24 - You're Having My Hartley - full transcript

Oh, Bob, are you still in bed?

Come on, honey,
you gotta go to work.

Bob. Bob. I'm up. I'm up.

Come on, Bob.

I said I was up.

Good.

Listen, honey, Carol called.

She's gonna be late
coming into the office.

She's gotta go to the doctor.

Bob!

Drink your orange
juice. That'll wake you up.



Bob, are you awake?

You bet.

Morning, Jer. Want
a chocolate eclair?

No, I don't want an eclair.

Good, I only have six.

Do you realize what that
garbage does to your teeth?

Not to mention your waistline.

Carol, you're getting
some gut on you.

Always the charmer.

Have you no shame?

No sense of your own appearance?

Soon those rolls of
fat are just gonna be

oozing out over the
top of your girdle.

You'll be called
"Two Ton" Carol,



the beast of the seventh floor.

Curb your tongue, Robinson,
I'm gonna be a mother.

Huh? I'm pregnant.

You're, uh, pregnant?

That's right, Jerry.
I'm with child.

Oh, Carol.

You're gonna have a baby?

I knew you'd catch on.

A little baby!

Oh, Carol!

There, there,
there, there, there!

I never thought that
you'd have a baby!

It's just a baby.

A baby! A little baby!

Uh, what's wrong?

It's Carol. It's nothing.

Oh, Carol! Sit down.

You want some water? An
aspirin? Anything I can do?

Are you in pain?

No, not right now,
but I understand

there's some slight discomfort
when you have the baby.

The baby?

That's right, Bob. I'm
gonna have a baby.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh! Oh!

There, there, there.

Oh, a little baby!

With little tiny hands
and little tiny feet.

Little button nose!
Tiny rosy cheeks!

I think I'm getting my
first morning sickness.

I never saw you
guys carry on like this.

Listen, it's just a baby.

Just a baby! Just a baby!

Here. Pull yourselves
together, right now.

Thanks. Okay.

Carol, I wish you know how...

how happy I am right now.

Aw. Thank you.

Now, are you guys gonna be okay?

Oh, yeah. I think so.

Aw.

Hi, Bob. It's me, Howard.

Howard, what a
pleasant surprise.

Hey!

You did a great
job setting the table.

No, Emily set it before
she went to work.

She has a special
dinner planned.

Great. What are we having?

Company.

I love company. Yeah.

Sometimes it's kinda dull
with just the three of us.

No, Howard. You see, Cliff and
Corrine Murdoch are coming over.

Cliff Murdoch? You
mean The Leaper?

The guy who's always
playing practical jokes?

The Peeper. Oh.

Well, I don't know how to tell
you this, Bob, but that's, uh...

That's five people, and
there are only four chairs.

I know.

Uh, I get the picture.

Yeah, I hope you
don't mind, Howard.

No, I don't mind
bringing my own chair.

Man and woman: Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, this is fun.

Say the secret word and
you win a hundred dollars.

It's a common object,

something you find in
your own living room.

Uh, chair? Sofa? Navigator?

Oh, it's Corrine.

Where's your better half?

She should be here any minute.

Let me fix you a drink.

Uh... swizzle stick?

So, what's been
happening in your life?

Oh, let's see, Bob, not much.

I shaved my head bald.

And I had my own one-man show on
Broadway, "The World of Cliff Murdoch."

Oh, and I went to India
and became a guru.

He didn't really go to India.

Did I say India?
I meant Indiana.

Foot stool.

I, uh... I have
some exciting news.

You know Carol, my receptionist?
She's gonna have a baby.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I'm so happy for her.

A baby?

Carol's gonna have a baby?

That's right, Howard.

Excuse me, Bob.

I'll be all right. I just...

I just need to be alone
for a minute, that's all.

A baby!

Boy, Howard's really overcome.

Yeah, well, you know,
a lot of men turn to mush

at the thought of little babies.

You know, with their
little feet and their, uh...

their little hands and...

little... little button noses.

Pardon me.

Hey, Bob, I've got a great idea.

Don't oversell, Clifford.

Let's play a practical
joke on Emily.

What do we do?

Let's flood the living room.

No, let's do something crazy.

Let's turn the cushions
on the couch upside down.

That's... that's too good.

Let's not waste that one.

Here's what we do.

When Emily comes home,

we all lean at an
angle, like this.

Oh, that's great!
And then she'll think

that she's the
one that's leaning.

What's funny about that?

Let's try it. Come
on, you'll see.

Okay. And...

You're right.
This is hysterical.

I just hope I can
keep a straight face.

Oh, hi, everybody!

Hi, honey. Hi,
Cliff. Hi, Corrine.

Emily. Hi.

What's wrong with you guys?

Nothing. We're fine.

What's, uh, what's
wrong with you?

Wrong? Nothing wrong with me.

I just came from the
doctor. I'm pregnant.

I don't know about you,

but I sill can't believe
we're having a baby.

Yeah.

You know, the den will
make a great nursery.

I mean it's got big windows,

and it's light, it's airy.

Maybe we should
think about moving.

Bob? Honey...

You're wearing
your sport jacket.

Yeah, I know. I
just was gonna...

hang it up over here.

What do you think about
moving to the suburbs?

You know, a nice little house,

a backyard, a place where
the baby can meet other babies.

Yeah, great.

Oh, Bob, I'm so excited.

I can't believe
this is happening

Neither... neither can I.

H-How did this happen?

Well, as near as I can
figure, it's Jerry's fault.

What?

You remember that Saturday
you and Jerry were gonna play golf

and he cancelled
'cause it was raining?

Oh, yeah. What
a boring afternoon.

If you remember, Bob, it
wasn't completely boring.

Oh. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Yeah.

Emily, are you sure about this?

I meant there's no chance

that they made a mistake
at your doctor's office

and they mixed up your files
with somebody else's and...

and all you have
is a sore throat?

Bob...

I never thought you'd be this
nervous about being a father.

I'm not nervous!

Oh, really?

Then how come you went
to bed with your shoes on?

To save me time in the morning.

In case I should, you know,
accidently sleepwalk, I'd...

I'd be protected. I mean...

if you want to make
an issue out of it,

that's up to you.

Bob...

you put your shoes
under your pillow.

I know!

It's on old army trick.

To keep scorpions from getting
in your shoes in the desert.

Well, I'm glad
you're not nervous.

I better call it a night.

After all, I'm sleeping for two.

Good night, poppa.

Good night.

What's so funny?

I finally figured it out.

This is the best practical joke

the Peeper has ever pulled.

Except you're supposed to
say, "You fell for it! You fell for it!"

Bob, we are gonna have a baby.

A baby?

♪ Oh! My Pa-Pa ♪

♪ To me he was so good ♪

Come on, this is
embarrassing, all right?

One more time.

♪ Oh! My Pa-Pa ♪

♪ To me... ♪

Fellas, a house rule:

You can only sing "Oh!
My Pa-pa" on Sunday.

Why?

Because we're closed on Sunday.

You get the beer.

You got yourself
a Scotch, rocks.

He's a martini,
straight up, with a twist.

Shaken, not stirred.

And here's your Shirley Temple.

Enjoy, gentlemen. Enjoy.

This is not a martini.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Martini.

Well, here's to Bob.
Soon to be a father.

Yes, siree.

Okay.

Ah.

What are gonna
name your son, Bob?

At the risk of sounding
presumptuous,

a name that's always
struck my fancy: Jerry.

Hey, hey. Nice.

Although a lot of people

name their firstborn after
their oldest and dearest friend.

Yeah. Howard Hartley. I like it.

I was leaning more
toward the name Bob.

What kind of a
nothing name is that?

Bob is a name to be proud of.

There've been a
lot of famous Bobs.

Oh, right. Uh, Bob Washington,

the father of our country.

Bob DiMaggio,
the Yankee Clipper.

Bob Einstein and
his theory of relativity.

Bob Hope.

It doesn't matter
what we name him

as long as he's
healthy and he's happy.

That's not enough, Bob.
You've got to plan ahead.

I mean, uh, where's
he going to school?

What's he gonna be? Where's he
gonna live? Who's he gonna marry?

What are his plans, Bob?

Naps.

The same again, sports?

We just got these.

Oh, excuse me.
The place is so busy,

I was momentarily confused.

Hey, this Shirley
Temple doesn't taste right.

I'll tell the maitre d'.

You didn't answer
my question, Bob.

What's gonna become of your son?

Well, he'll, uh...
He'll go to school,

and then he'll go to college,

and after a prominent career
as a noted psychologist,

he'll become president
of the United States.

Well, to each his own.

There's just one problem, Bob.

What's that?

What if he's a girl?

And then after a distinguished
career as a schoolteacher,

she's gonna go on to become the first
woman president of the United States.

Sorry, Emily, it'll
never happen.

Why not?

'Cause my daughter's gonna
be the first woman president.

I always wanted to be
president of the United States,

but so far I haven't been.

Really?

I haven't even come close.

Emily, am I doing this right?

What are you doing? Knitting.

You're not doing it right.

Oh, I'll buy her a stroller.

Have you heard about this
new method of delivering babies,

where they play soft
music and have low lights

and a mood atmosphere?

That's how I got into this fix.

I always thought a
great way to have a baby

would be to go to
an elegant party.

You know you're
wearing a beautiful gown,

a full-length sable,
a few diamonds.

You dance the night away,

and then around 2 A.M.,
you know, you wander home,

your shoes in your hand,

your sable tossed
over your shoulder,

you walk into the
apartment and you say,

"Oh, look, honey!
Somebody brought our baby."

Well, there's nothing...

like a night out on the
town with your friends

to make you realize
who your friends are.

They're your friends.

Right, Jerry?

Where's Jerry?

Jerry and Howard
went looking for girls.

That's... that's because
they're bachelors.

I am not a bachelor.

I... I'm married.

I'm going to be a father.

The end of an era.

The end of my youth.

It's the end of my beer.

Where does the time go?

Cleveland.

You know, I can... I can
remember when I was...

when I was 21.

It was a very good year.

Bob, that was the year
your girlfriend dropped you,

you broke your
leg playing tennis,

and, uh, the week after
you got out of the cast,

you were drafted.

That's life.

That's what people say.

Riding high in A-April,
shot down in May.

Do you... do you realize that...
that I'm going to be a parent?

You can handle it.

You've been a puppet,
a poet, a pauper,

a pirate, a pawn, and a king.

But I've never been a father!

I haven't either, but I
was a recreation director.

Handling kids is easy.

Just make 'em use the
buddy system in the pool,

don't let 'em stand
up in the swings,

and be sure they return the bats
and balls at the end of the day.

Here you go, fellas.

Oh, great. Two more zombies.

Right. That makes four of you.

Can I ask you a question?

Do you... do you have kids?

Yeah. Would you like
to take 'em off my hands?

Problems, huh?

Well, let me put
it to you this way.

The boy has got hair
down to his knees,

he wears platform shoes,

and he thinks that David
Bowie is the head of the U.N.

Well, boys are harder
to raise than girls.

Oh, yeah?

My daughter, when
she finishes high school,

she wants to move out,

move into a co-ed
dorm, with a lot of guys.

Lots of colleges
have co-ed dorms?

Who said she's
gonna go to college?

You... you know that
that guy is my age,

and he has grown children?

Do you realize that
when my son is 20,

I will be 60?

And... and when my son is 30,

I'll be in my 70s?

And when... when he's my age...

You'll be dead.

Right.

But he'll-he'll be president
of the United States.

I hope he doesn't lose his sense
of humor in the White House.

The presidency
can do that to a man.

Take George Washington.

Did you know George Washington

used to take out
his teeth at parties

before he... he
became president?

Do you know those choppers
were made out of wood?

That's what made it funny.

Come on, Bob. Let's go
buy your kid a present.

Let's... let's buy
him something funny.

Where will we find wooden teeth?

Wooden Teeth World.

Uh, excuse me, gents.

There is a little
matter of a tab.

Two pitchers of
martinis, six Scotch rocks,

eight zombies, two margaritas,

and one Black Russian.

$1.80.

Well, good night,
Corrine. Good night.

Well, Emily, I hate
to knit and run,

but I can't knit, so
I'm just gonna run.

Out.

Ha ha.

Aw, I'm so happy
for Carol and Larry.

Oh, they're so
delighted about the baby.

No more delighted
than you and Bob are.

Mm, I don't know.

I think Bob's still
not sure what hit him.

I mean a cancelled golf game is
not exactly planned parenthood.

You said you were going
to have children someday.

Yeah, but there's a big
deference between "Someday"

and "Let's go buy the crib."

I don't know, Corrine.

Maybe I shouldn't
have gotten pregnant.

It was all my fault.

Emily, I'm just a
simple country girl,

but even I don't believe that.

Uh-oh.

Bob and Cliff: Hey, hey, hey!

Say the secret word
and you win a beer.

Don't aim your breath at
anything flammable, Cliff.

All right, close your eyes.

We have a surprise for the baby.

What is it?

Close your eyes.

We bought... we
bought the baby a pony.

That's not a pony,
that a full-grown horse.

It was a pony once.

Where do you want him?

I guess the bedroom.

Bob, come on! You can't
put a horse in the bedroom.

Yeah. All right, we'll
put him on the balcony.

That way we won't
keep bumping into him.

Where on earth did
you get that thing?

We bought him off a guy.

Who would sell you a horse at
2:00 in the morning in Chicago?

A rustler.

Honey... honey, it's really
a very, very sweet gift,

but you're gonna
have to return it.

I lost the receipt.

I'll take him back, Bob.

We have to go to
the hotel anyway.

Come on. I hope you don't
mind sharing a double bed.

And he said he was
through with that kind of thing.

There would have been
plenty of room on the balcony.

All we'd have to do is...
train him to use the elevator

when he wanted to talk his walk.

I'll get you some coffee.

Boy, he could make
those window boxes bloom.

Bob, you really didn't get that
horse from a rustler, did you?

Nope. Stole him from a cop.

You're gonna get in trouble.

My son is going to be
a very influential man.

He'll be know as
"The Joking President."

Here's your coffee, Bob.

Wake up, Bob.

Wake up, Bob.

Bob. Wake up, Bob.

Bob. Bob.

Bob, wake up, Bob.

Where's my horse?
Where's my horse?

What horse is that?

A big, brown beautiful horse.

Oh, Bob, you must
have been dreaming.

Oh.

Bob, would you please get up?

I can't be running in
here every five minutes.

Now I've got to set the
table before I go to work

because Corrine and Peep
are coming for dinner tonight.

They... they are?

Yeah, and I have
got the greatest news.

Carol called, and guess what?

She's pregnant.

Yes, she is. Isn't
that wonderful?

Yeah.

And... and, Emily,

do... do you have something
you... you want to tell me?

No.

Oh, yeah. I will be
a little late tonight,

'cause I have to
go to the doctor.

The doctor?

Yeah, I have a sore throat.

I... I thought you were gonna
say you were pregnant, too.

No.

Oh, honey, I almost forgot.

Jerry called to cancel
your golf game tomorrow.

He said it's gonna rain.