The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 2 - Caged Fury - full transcript

I don't know, Dr. Hartley.

I think I'm making
some progress.

You are?

I think I'm overcoming
my agriphobia.

I didn't even know you
had a fear of open places.

Open places?

Agriphobia is a
fear of open places.

I thought it was a fear
of agricultural products.

Sorry.

Well, anyway, wheat
doesn't scare me anymore.

I'm still a little
skittish around barley.



Yeah, barley's murder
compared to wheat.

Yeah, I am making some progress.

Well, slow and
steady wins the race.

That's great.

Another Hartley homily.

Well, what I'm trying to say is

even the humblest person
makes awesome progress,

though their pace
be like a snail.

I'm afraid of snails.

Well, we'll... we'll deal
with that next week.

I'm just happy as hell

we have that wheat
thing out of the way.

Yeah. Me, too.

Hey, is this room
getting smaller?



In addition to your
other problems,

uh, maybe you're claustrophobic.

Oh. What do they call that
when a person's claustrophobic?

Claustrophobia.

Oh, yeah. Why
didn't I think of that?

Well, I've studied for years.

Hi, Elliot. How's the
real estate business?

Couldn't be better.
And how are you?

Couldn't be worse.

Then everything's normal.

Hi, Bondurant.

Hi, Mr. Carlin.

Hey, is this elevator
getting smaller?

I don't think so.

Well, I'm not
taking any chances.

You ever seen any
snails on these stairs?

No.

Good.

Oh!

Hi, red.

Hi, honey. You look tired.

I am. I don't know
what's wrong with me.

I'm exhausted.

Me, too.

I don't understand it.

We went to bed early last night.

Yeah.

Hey, uh, Larry,
you and Carol want

to throw a 4th of July party?

Sorry, Jer. We threw
the Memorial Day party.

What Memorial Day
party? I wasn't invited.

I know.

Aren't we going to
have a 4th of July party?

Fine. Where are
we going to have it?

How about your apartment?

No good. I got all this
furniture in the living room.

That sort of narrows
it down to Bob's place.

Works for me.

Bob, you and Emily
are cordially invited

to a 4th of July
party at your place.

I threw the
Valentine's Day party.

I wasn't invited.

I know.

Hi, Howard.

Oh. Hi, Emily. Hi, Bob.

I'd like you to
meet my bird Herb.

Boy, listen to him
sing. He's really happy.

He's delirious.

Does, uh, does he ever stop?

Oh, yeah.

Well trained.

Yeah, all my other pets died,

so I bought a mechanical bird.

I understand they're
supposed to be

hard to start in the winter.

No, Herb's a bird
for all seasons.

Listen, Howard, Bob
and I got railroaded

into giving a July 4th party.

Would you like to come?

Oh, great. When is it?

We thought maybe
July 3rd, the day after.

Where is it?

At our place.

At your place?

How come I never
get to throw a party?

Well, you're never there
when Jerry plans them.

I think the party
should be here.

I mean, why should Emily
have to do all the work?

Oh, Howard, why, thank you.

That's very sweet of you.

Look, you know, if I can
do anything to help you.

Well, how many people
are there going to be? Six.

Seven. I invited Mr. Carlin.

Why?

He says he gets lonely
every Bicentennial.

Uh, let me see. Seven people.

I'll need seven sets of
your knives and forks,

uh, seven plates,

I'll need your punch bowl
and, uh, some glasses...

Seven, maybe...

And, uh, a card
table to put them on.

You know, I was thinking,

it might be fun to
have a costume party.

I was thinking it
would be fun not to.

But, Bob, it's the Bicentennial.

Well, let's...
let's celebrate it

by being ourselves.

We don't need costumes.

Oh, Bob, you're
being a wet blanket.

Now get in the spirit.

Our country's going
to be 200 years old.

200 years. That's
hard to believe.

Yeah, well, it looks newer

because they keep
painting the buildings.

Let's see, the combination is...

18 right, 5 left, 5 right.

I can never remember
that combination.

It's simple... 1855.

Oh.

Right.

That's the mileage between
Chicago and Medford, Oregon.

Look at all this junk.

Don't call it junk.

There's a lot of
valuable stuff here.

Yeah. I bet the
Smithsonian Institute

would really like to
have your foot locker.

Well, tough. It's going
to the Ford Foundation.

Let's see, we need
the punch bowl

and the card table, and ah.

The card table is
there behind the skis.

Oh. Right.

You know, it's interesting.

What?

We don't ski.

They're Howard's.

Oh, Bob, look.

Your barbells.

Boy, you haven't lifted
these in a long time.

Yeah, well, it got to the point

where it was too
easy, so I... I quit.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I remember the day

that Jerry and Howard helped
you carry them down here.

All right, let's get
the punch bowl

and get out of here. Punch bowl.

Punch bowl... Oh, Bob.

That, uh, that
isn't a punch bowl.

No, it's the garter I wore
the day of our wedding.

Do you remember?

I always felt you
should have worn two.

You know, you looked funny
with the... the one stocking

all balled up around your ankle.

Look, Bob, our wedding album.

Oh, look, Emily. Our punch bowl.

Bob, look how cute
your dad looks in his tux.

That's not my dad.
That's your mother.

She... She wore
black to the wedding.

That wasn't black,
Bob. It was dark gray.

Only her armband was black.

Who's the... Who's
the grease ball

next to that dumpy girl?

The grease ball is you, Bob.

Where are you?

I was inside reviving my mother.

Well, if we've finished our
trip down Memory Lane,

I'd like to get out of here.

Oh, Bob, you have no
romance in your soul.

It was a beautiful wedding.

It rained. Your mother
called it an omen.

Well, she was wrong.

I mean, I just wish the
priest hadn't been so nervous.

He was as scared as I was.

He said, "Do you promise
to hon-honor... honor...

Honor, love, and obey-bey-bey?"

I thought we were
getting married in a cave.

Bob, w-were you really nervous?

I was taking a big chance,

marrying a dumpy girl

who couldn't keep
her stocking up.

Well, who would have
thought two ugly ducklings

would turn into a beautiful swan

and a flabby psychologist?

Have, uh, have I
mentioned I'd like to go?

Oh, would you, darling?
Why didn't you say so?

Hey, Bob. Bob, what's this?

Oh, come on, Emily, let's go.

No, I never saw this before.

What is it?

It's my exerciser.

It flattens my stomach.

Well, what's it doing down here?

I'm not flabby anymore.

Ha ha. I see.

Might do you some good.

I'm not flabby.

Oh, I see.

Well, how does it work?

You hang it on the doorknob.

Here, like this, you mean?

Like that?

Then you lie on the floor,

you do your exercises,

but, Emily, I really
want to get out of here.

Let me try it. I never
saw one of these before.

Guess I don't know
my own strength.

Well, let's go.

We're locked in here.

You're kidding.

I don't think it's
funny. We're trapped.

Well, Bob, it's
nothing to worry about.

I mean, somebody's
sure to come downstairs

to do their laundry.

Emily, when was the last
time you did your laundry

on July 4th at 5:00?

Well, I guess you're gonna
have to break down the door

with your shoulder.

They... They only
do that on television.

I mean, it isn't that easy.

A man who lifts weights?

The man with the granite stomach

can't knock down a puny door?

H-Hold my punch bowl.

You know, I, uh, I have an idea.

Why don't you, uh, sit there

and look at the,
uh, wedding album

while I... pass out!

A ski pole's not
gonna do it, Bob.

I know. I need a jackhammer.

I can't even tell if it's
day or night anymore.

How long have we
been trapped down here?

15 minutes.

Seems like 20.

We got to get out of here.

W-We'll get a sharp spoon,

and... and we'll tunnel
our way to our apartment.

Bob, we live on the fifth floor.

That's why it has to be sharp.

Is this room getting smaller?

You've seen too
many prison pictures.

I feel like I'm in prison.

At least in prison
they have bathrooms.

D-Don't even think
about that, then.

D-Don't even think
about food, either.

I... I haven't even had lunch.

Oh, I did. I had a cheeseburger

and a double order of
fries and a chocolate shake.

One of... one of those
real thick shakes?

Yeah.

The kind where the straw
stands up all by itself?

Yeah.

And the fries were nice
and crispy and salty?

Yeah.

Pickles, onion, lettuce,
cheese, special sauce,

sesame seed bun?

Yeah.

Emily, why are you
taunting me like this?

Don't worry, Bob. We'll
get you a cheeseburger

when we get out of here.

If we ever get out of here.

You've done some
dizzy things in your life,

but taking this handle
off was the dumbest.

Well, you're the idiot

who showed me how
to use the stupid thing.

I mean, for all-time
dumbness, that takes the cake.

Did you say cake?

Chocolate cake, four layers,

icing this thick, a la mode,
smothered in strawberries.

You are probably one
of the most vicious people

that has even walked
the face of the earth.

All right, I'm gonna
try to jimmy it open.

Give me your pen knife.

What pen knife?

You don't have a pen knife?

No, I left it with my
ball-peen hammer

and my socket wrench.

Wait a minute, Bob. I
just thought of something.

Howard's going to need
that punch bowl for the party.

He's got to come
down here to get it.

Good idea. Yeah.

We'll just wait until
Howard comes.

Right. He's reliable.

Well...

what do you want to do
until he comes down here?

Want to tell jokes?

Yeah. Sure.

Um... oh.

What? What?

Why... Uh-huh?

Why did... Why did the moron...

Uh-huh? ...lock
herself and her husband

in the storage locker?

Climb off me, will you, Bob?

I'm... I'm sorry, Emily.

Uh, give me a golf club.

Hmm.

I need an iron.

Oh. Excuse me.

I didn't realize you were
that close to the green.

That's good,
Bob. "Jingle Bells."

That's it, then. We're trapped.

Bob.

Bob.

Bob, do you love me?

Sure.

Why?

Why not?

Honest to God, Bob.

When they write about the
great romances of history,

our names will be
conspicuous by their absence.

Well, Emily, of
course I love you.

It's just that right now
I'm fighting for my life.

You ever wish we had kids?

Right now I wish we had a kid

who was a human mole.

Oh, Bob.

Do you ever think about it?

Yeah, once in a while.

So?

Sometimes I wish
we had a little girl.

Somebody you could,
you know, put on your knee

and tell stories to.

She could wear frilly dresses,

wear ribbons in her hair.

Hmm.

I think about a little boy.

You know, that's nice.

I mean, a girl for
you and a boy for me.

You can't trust boys.

Oh?

Give them years
of violin lessons,

they want to become boxers.

Oh.

Then they're always
borrowing the car keys,

and they're not around
when you need them...

You know, like now.

I mean, where is that kid?

We're stuck in this locker.

Coming, coming.

It's a grand old flag
It's a high-flying...

They said they only
rented one of these.

I didn't rent this. I own it.

Why would you own that?

Well, I got it on sale.

I knew it would come
in handy some day.

Shrewd purchase.

Okay, Howard, how about a drink?

No, thanks.

You see, what I meant was,

how about offering me a drink?

Oh, uh, Bob hasn't
come with the booze yet.

Oh, how about something to eat?

Well, Emily hasn't
come with the food yet.

Boy, you really know how
to throw a party, Howard.

Thanks, Jer.

Uh, help yourself to a napkin.

I'll get it, I'll get it.

They'll be so... Hi, Howard.

Hi.

Well, there goes Best
Costume down the tubes.

At least you could have thought
of something more original.

Well, we were going to come

as John Smith and Pocahontas,

but Carol wouldn't
let me rub makeup

all over her body.

Is this going to be
one of those parties

where everybody stands
around and talks dirty all night?

Here's mustard for
your hotdogs, Howard.

Thank you.

I can't wait for the hotdogs.

You'll have to. Bob and
Emily haven't shown up yet.

Where are they?

Probably gluing on their beards.

I'll get it.

10 to 1 that's
another Uncle Sam.

Mr. Carlin, hi.

How you doing, Borden?

I thought this was supposed
to be a costume party.

It is. What are you?

A Revolutionary spy.

Gee, you don't look like one.

That's the secret of
being a spy, blockhead.

Where's Hartley and his wife?

Oh, uh, they'll be here.

Uh, does anybody
want, uh, any water?

A glass of water? Or
maybe some mustard?

Uh, I'm okay for now.

This is so exciting.

This is my first
Bicentennial party.

You call this a party?

The only one
having any fun is him.

This him is me... Carol?

Oh, really?

Most girls look lousy in beards,

but somehow you
can really carry it off.

Okay, Howard, how
about you going over

and getting Bob, Emily,
the food, and the booze?

Not necessarily in that order.

Ah, good idea.

Okay, everybody, eat,
drink, and be merry.

Well, this is
certainly delightful.

Did somebody say
there was water?

Ah. I'll get it, honey.

Which would you
prefer, hot or cold?

Which goes best with mustard?

They're not at home.
Maybe they forgot.

Forget about Bob and
Emily. Where's the booze?

Well, their apartment
was locked.

Here you go, Larry.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, I see you helped yourself

to the refreshments.

I'm not gonna wait all night.

I'm going to a liquor store.

Okay.

Oh, and we'll go
to the delicatessen

and get some food.

Would you mind
stopping by the laundry

and getting my shirts?

It's the 4th of July.
The laundry's closed.

Ah, yeah. What was I thinking?

You were thinking it was open.

Hey, Carlin, how about you?

You coming along?

No, I'd feel stupid going
out dressed like this.

Well, it's not as if we're
not gonna get out of here.

I mean, it's just
a matter of when.

I don't know, Emily.

I heard about this
guy, uh, photographer,

accidentally locked
himself in his darkroom

while he was
developing pictures.

No one... No one
knew he was there.

No one went to look for him.

Last time he was
ever heard from.

Really? What happened to him?

Found him a month later.
He'd died of exposure.

Come on, Bob.

Not a pretty picture, Emily.

You think we're gonna die?

Probably.

Well, that's a damn shame.

Bob, did you ever make a will?

Yeah, I left everything to you.

That's not gonna do much
good if we're both done for.

I guess Howard
will get everything.

Howard's already got everything.

Works out for the best.

Bob...

if I died and you didn't...

would you remarry?

Sure.

Sure? Just like that?

I mean, you don't even
have to think about it?

I thought about it.

Well, what kind of
woman would you look for?

Someone different than you.

Someone big enough to break
through that door over there.

Emily, I would never remarry.

That's nice.

But it doesn't matter

because we're probably doomed.

Bob, do you believe
in reincarnation?

Only between consenting adults.

Well, I'd like to
come back as a bird.

Good choice.

You know, just free,
soaring in the wind,

the autumn sun
gleaming on my feathers.

I'm coming back
as Jack Nicklaus.

Maybe I could fly
over your golf course.

Just don't chirp
while I'm putting.

Hey, Bob, this is
really kind of romantic.

I mean, we haven't zipped
our sleeping bags together

since our honeymoon
camping trip, remember?

Emily, we... we
can't mess around

in a storage locker.

Why not?

This may be our last hurrah.

We have to conserve our energy.

Where's the punch bowl?

Oh, Howard, thank
God you're here.

Are we glad to see you, Howard.

Don't give me that.

If you didn't want
to come to my party,

why didn't you say so?
You didn't have to hide.

Howard, we did want
to come to your par...

That's it. He's out of the will.

Well, now what do we do?

Just keep conserving our energy.

Oh, what the hell.

We may as well go out
with a smile on our face.

I feel like we've been rescued

by a vaudeville act.

Well, if we hadn't
decided to play poker

and Howard hadn't
needed your card table,

you might never have
been rescued at all.

You know, I'd really
love to stay and chat,

but you may notice
that this locker

has all the
conveniences but one.

I'll go with you.

I have to powder my nose
and comb out my beard.

Are we gonna play poker or not?

I got money burning
a hole in my pocket.

Yeah, me, too. Are
you in, Mr. Carlin?

Don't call me Mr. Carlin.

You'll blow my cover.

Oh, Bob, can I... can I
talk to you for a minute?

Sure, Howard.

Uh, Bob, I just, uh,
wanted you to know

that I'm not mad at you anymore

for ruining my party.

And I want you to know, Howard,

that I'm not mad at you
for locking us back in here.

What?

Oh!

But it's fine, Howard.

Gives us a chance to talk.

Uh, what do you
want to talk about?

You.

Your life...

which, at this moment,
is hanging by a thread.

Bob, come to your senses.

It's your Uncle Sam.