The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 5, Episode 1 - Enter Mrs. Peeper - full transcript

Boy, you have to
be an atomic scientist

to change a typewriter
ribbon these days.

Any fool can do that. It's easy.

There. There you go.

Why thanks, fool, but
I was trying to put it in.

Then you're going to have
to get an atomic scientist.

I just extract them.

- Hi, Bob.
- Hi, Jerry.

Oh, gee, Bob, your aftershave
smells like "eau de garage".

I was filling my car at one of
those self-service gas stations,

I got gasoline all over me.



It's very stylish.

You know, I was trying
to save some money.

It said buy nine gallons,
and the tenth is on us.

Well, your tenth is on you.

Is there coffee, Carol?

Oh, yeah, Bob. I just made some.

Don't forget to add some STP.

Sorry. Sorry.

Singing telegram
for Dr. Hartley.

He's the compact
model over by the coffee.

I'm Dr. Hartley.

A birthday message for you.

It's... it's not my birthday.

Oh, yeah. That's Sigowitz.



I'm Hartley. Dr. Robert Hartley.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here
we are. Here we are.

It's from your
friend, Cliff Murdock.

Oh, the Peeper.

I think it's
pronounced "Murdock."

♪ Your friend Cliff Murdock
The Peeper's coming ♪

♪ to Chicago pretty soon ♪

♪ He's looking forward
to seeing you and Emily ♪

♪ Arriving the
night of the Fourth ♪

♪ Don't go to any trouble ♪

♪ He'll be bringing a surprise ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

Don't do that, lady. You'll
get in trouble with the union.

What a stupid telegram.

Where's your sense of
humor? That's very funny.

And there's a P.S.

Oh, lay it on me. I can't wait.

♪ P.S. This is C.O.D.
You owe 12 bucks ♪

Now that's funny.

If you're trying
to hang yourself,

it won't work with a bucket.

Just checking something out.

Could you check
out one of these?

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

Oh, have I got
great news for you.

Oh, I could use some great news.

Olive Sweeney got sick

and I had to take her
class on a nature outing.

Do you have any idea what
crawls around under rocks, Bob?

Do you want to hear
my great news, or not?

Icky, slimy white things. Blech!

I'll go tell Howard
my great news.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
What's your great news?

The Peeper's coming to Chicago.

That is great news.

When's the lucky day?

Tonight.

Our cup runneth over.

Bob, what are you doing?

I'm filling the
bucket with water,

so I can put it on
top of the door,

and then it will fall on
the Peep when he walks it.

Why?

Because it's funny.

Who's going to
clean up the mess?

You do.

Yeah, that makes it funny.

Emily, he said he
was bringing a surprise.

Now, that can only
mean a practical joke.

I've got to find
something to top him.

I've got it, Bob.

Let's leave, and
when he gets here,

we won't be here.

You don't like the
Peeper, do you?

Well, I find it hard to identify
with a 45 year-old man

who puts sneezing
powder in my compact.

I'd forgotten that.

See, that's the great
thing about the Peeper.

You know it's going to happen,

But you don't know when.

Kinda like death?

Come in, Howard.

Oh, thanks, Bob.
I need your help.

I'm entering a contest to
find a jingle for our airlines,

and I need a rhyme
for landing gear.

Um, have a beer.

Thanks.

Now, about that rhyme
for "landing gear"?

"Have a beer" rhymes
with landing gear.

That's right, it does.

I need one more.

Shut the door.

That's good, too.

What do you have so far, Howard?

Landing gear, landing
gear, landing gear,

have a beer, shut the door.

- Good.
- I like it.

Thank you.

You know, maybe I could
electrify the door knob.

I mean, the Peeper would
get a charge out of that.

Bob, why don't you just
hit him in the face with a pie

and get it over with?

Emily, you know, in
your scattershot way,

you may have come
up with something good.

Do you know, I have never
hit Cliff Murdock with a pie?

Cliff Murdock, the Snipper?

The Peeper.

He's coming to town?

In a few minutes.

You're going to
hit him with a pie?

Don't you think
that's kind of corny?

It's not corny, it's funny.

Well, wouldn't it be funny
if you just served it to him

on a plate and
didn't give him a fork?

That's not funny.

Why don't you bake
him a cement pie,

and then when he bites
into it, he'll break his teeth?

A practical joke is either
funny, or it isn't funny.

Oh, it's a practical joke.

You mean like the
time you and the Winker,

you nailed my door shut,

and I walked into it
and broke my nose?

Exactly.

Ah, I get it.

If you break your
teeth, it's not funny.

And if you break
your nose, it is.

Can't wait to see what the
surprise that the Peep has.

How long are you going
to stand by that door?

As long as it takes.

The secret of a great
practical joke is patience.

Man's voice: Hey, hey, hey!

- It's him.
- Welcome to juvenile jury.

Man's voice: Have I
got a surprise for you.

Let's see what it is.

Hi, Bob.

I'd like to have you meet
my new wife, Corrine.

She's the one with
the pie all over her face.

Nice to meet you, Corrine.

I've heard so much about you.

Bob, this is for you.

What's this?

Cubs and Reds? Wow!

Hey, Bob got us those tickets.

Yeah, a guy just
dropped them off.

Baseball at Wrigley field, huh?

That's something else.

Yeah, sitting there in your
shirt sleeves in the bleachers,

summer sun.

Hot beer in your hand, a
cold hot dog in your lap.

That's America to me.

Yeah. That Bob
Hartley's one hell of a guy.

He's what
friendship is all about.

He's America to me.

Hi, Carol. Hi, Jerry.

Hi, Bob.

Bob, you are a prince.

What do you mean?

I guess you know what I mean.

I guess I do.

Look what just arrived.

Oh, great. The tickets.

Oh, the Peeper's
going to love this game.

Yes.

There's just the
two tickets there.

Yeah, I know.

You're a Communist.

Didn't he just say
I was a prince?

Well, now you're
the prince of Russia.

Is this the seventh floor?

Ah, Peep, congratulations.

Aw, thanks, Carol.
It's not that big a thing.

I've found the
seventh floor before.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, hey, hey.

I never saw two guys
get along the way you do.

Well, we're buddies.

You know, pals.

We're... one, two, three, four.

- ♪ Me and my... ♪
- Come on, Peep.

Come on, Bob.
Like in the old days.

♪ And my shadow ♪

I'll hold your calls, Bob.

♪ Me and my shadow ♪

♪ No one else to
tell our troubles to ♪

Two grown men.

♪ And when it's 12:00 ♪

♪ We climb the stairs ♪

♪ We never knock ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody's there ♪

♪ Just me and my shadow ♪

All alone and
feeling blue Yes, sir.

All alone and feeling blue

I'm going to...
must be my phone.

Dr. Bob Hartley,
ladies and gentlemen.

Vaudeville's not dead,
folks. It's just wounded.

Hey, maybe we should do that
routine for Emily and Corrine.

Maybe... Maybe we shouldn't.

Corrine would love it.

What do you think of
her? Isn't she wonderful?

You know, she's changed my life.

Before I married
her, I was single.

Yeah, she's very nice.

She loves you, Bob.

You know, even though the
color did wash out of her hair

from the banana cream pie.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

I should have used lemon
meringue, like you did.

Say, you know, that pie
gave me a great idea, Bob.

We're going to serve
it in our restaurant.

What restaurant is that?

A fish restaurant
we're opening in Maine.

Me and Corrine.

You're too much. A
fish restaurant in Maine?

What's so funny about that?

Well, aren't there already a
lot of fish restaurants in Maine?

Well, maybe, but you've got to
give the people what they want,

and in Maine, they want fish.

They even have a
senator named Muskie.

Boy, have I got an
afternoon planned for us.

First, we see the
Reds and the Cubs.

Get a little pizza,
get a little blato,

and talk over old times.

Oh, I can't today.

I'm meeting Corrine at a
restaurant supply house.

They've got a new
computerized oyster opener

they say is out of this world.

Peep, the Reds and the
Cubs. It's gotta be terrific.

Well, maybe next time.

Listen, I just came
down to tell you that

we want to have dinner
with you guys tonight.

You know, I want you and
Emily to get to know Corrine.

Sure, sure.

Well, how about lunch?
You know, just the two of us.

Me and my shad...
- No lunch for me.
- Oh.

I'm trying to lose a couple
of pounds, you know.

Gonna trim down
for the little lady.

You could stand to
lose a few yourself, Bob.

You look like you've got a
beach ball under your shirt there.

I just need a little exercise.

Well, I've got the one
that will do the trick.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Get down on your
hands and knees here.

Go ahead, right
there on the floor,

like you're going to do
a push-up or something.

Just...

Okay, now lift your left
arm and your right leg.

Like this?

Perfect. Now, bark.

Do you see the
prices on this menu?

No wonder it's
called St. Mark tower.

I'm the mark.

Bob, your best
friend just got married.

The least you can do
is show him a good time

without worrying about
how much it's going to cost.

What's this sudden turn around?

I thought you didn't like him.

Well, I like him since
he married Corrine.

She's terrific.

I don't know why we
just couldn't have pizza.

I mean, Peep likes
pizza. I like pizza.

Pizza's perfect.

Oh, great idea
coming here, Emily.

He's a super dancer.

Yeah, I put the cha
in the cha cha cha.

The trouble is, you
put it right in that waltz.

Well, nobody's perfect.

Pizza's perfect.

Clifford's perfect.

I haven't heard anybody
call you Clifford since...

Mary Beth Mosley.

Who?

An old girlfriend of
his back in college.

Well, she wasn't exactly old

and she wasn't exactly a friend.

Was she a girl?

See, that's not the point.

One night, Cliff and I took
her and her roommate out

to a drive-in movie.

And we pulled the greatest
practical joke we have ever pulled.

You must have been proud.

Yeah. Did I tell you how
Corrine and I got together?

No, but I think now
would be a good time.

See, we had the girls go
to the refreshment stand

to pick up some popcorn.

Right?

Yeah. Uh... see,

Corrine was the head librarian
in the Montpelier free library.

Oh, Clifford, you
mustn't brag about me.

I wasn't the head librarian.

I was the only librarian.

They only had 300 books.

So anyway, while
the girls are gone,

we take off all our clothes,

and put pumpkins on our heads.

Good, Bob.

You can imagine
what we looked like.

We couldn't stop laughing.

Good evening, may
I take your order?

I'm in the middle of a story.

Right.

Now, the original plan was...

I'm getting kind of hungry.

- Yeah, me, too.
- Me, too.

See, the original plan
was to hide under the car

and leap out at the girls.

But you know something?
It is physically impossible

to crawl under a 1949 Studebaker

with a pumpkin on your head.

I didn't know that.

So, you and Cliff are
both from Montpelier?

Oh, she was
originally from Seattle.

You're kidding?

I'm from Seattle.

Really?

You know those heaters
that they put inside cars

to dry them?

I haven't been
there in a long time.

Oh, I bet it's still raining.

Accidentally, I bump into Cliff

and it singes his
pumpkin, remember? Huh?

Yep.

Seattle is where Corrine
learned all about fish.

And pretty soon, the pumpkin
fumes are filling the car.

Have you finished
your story yet?

I'm just getting
to the best part.

Well, I wanted you to know that
we just ran out of calves' brains.

No sweat.

So anyway, the girls
come back and they see

two guys sitting there
naked without any clothes on

with one pumpkin
on the head burning

and smoke billowing out.

That is my favorite story.

Yeah, mine, too.

Excuse me, Bob.
They're playing our song.

Oh, "Moonlight in Vermont".

Shall we trip the
light fantastic?

No, let's just dance.

Oh, good story, Bob.

I'm going to powder my nose.

You know, pumpkin
fumes can be deadly.

Well, the windows were all open

and there wasn't a lot of smoke.

I guess over the years
we tend to embellish

our stories a little bit.

Yeah, we weren't really naked.

We had our shorts on.

Kinda figured that.

You really didn't have
pumpkins on your heads, did you?

No.

The girls never came back
from the refreshment stand.

Imagine, Corrine
coming from Seattle.

Yeah, imagine.

We practically grew up
next door to each other.

Great.

She is a terrific girl.

She's swell.

You don't like her, do you?

Yeah, she's fine, except
she's a little pushy.

The way she dominates a
conversation she isn't interested in.

I don't know if
you noticed tonight,

but she constantly
interrupted my story.

Frankly, I consider that a plus.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, honey, why are you
in such a lousy mood?

I'm not in a lousy
mood considering I just

blew 100 bucks at a restaurant

that didn't even
have calves' brains.

Well, I had a terrific time.

So did Cliff, and
so did Corrine.

You know, I don't know
what he sees in her.

I know why you don't like her.

You think she's coming
between you and Cliff.

That is ridiculous.

Cliff and I are like Paul
Newman and Robert Redford

in Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance Kid.

Talk about your
absurd comparisons.

All right, then The Sting.

Not even close.

More like Mickey Rooney
and Ernest Borgnine.

Don't push it, Emily.

Oh, honey.

You just feel left out.

I do not.

I know how you feel.

I felt the same way when
you and Cliff were together.

That is just not true.

Oh, remember when you two
filled Jerry's spit sink with Jello?

Did you ask me to be part of it?

When you went and you
knocked on apartment doors

and you ran, did you ask
me to be part of it? No.

Well, knocking on doors
and running is a man's sport.

If you'd gotten caught, you
probably would have turned us in.

And where were you
yesterday afternoon?

I went to the baseball
game with Bob.

He said it was okay.

You what?

Jerry, what a fabulous game.

If you enjoyed it so much, why
didn't you get season tickets?

I wouldn't have
time. I work all day.

I think I can solve
that problem.

Oh, hi, Jerry.

Carol, have my two tickets

to the completely sold out

John Denver, Frank Sinatra,
Neil Diamond, Count Basie,

Ella Fitzgerald, Fred Astaire
concert arrived as yet?

No, but your shirts are ready.

When the two tickets to
that once-in-a-lifetime concert

do arrive, kindly let me know.

I want to invite my best and
dearest friend in the world,

Bernard J. Tupperman
to accompany me.

Jerry, I looked for you
when I heard the Peep

couldn't go to the game,

but they said you
had gone to lunch.

I'm sorry if you're upset.

Forget it, Bob. I'm not upset.

Anyway, you
didn't miss anything.

It was just a baseball game.

Right.

There's nothing unusual
about an 11 inning, 15-14 game.

It was the two triple
plays that made it unusual.

You're both Communists.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

Hey, two heys short.

Hey, hey.

Thanks, Carol.

What brings you here?

I was in the neighborhood
looking at some bun warmers

for the restaurant.

I thought you might
like to have lunch.

You and me and Corrine?

You don't like her, do you, Bob?

No, she's fine.

She's very attractive
for an ex-librarian.

I understand.

When you married Emily,
I didn't like her, either.

You didn't?

Well, she's kinda pushy.

Are you talking about
my Emily? Emily Hartley?

Yeah.

And she has no sense of humor.

She's a stick in the mud.

She has a great sense of
humor. She laughs at everything.

I've seen people sucking
lemons smile more.

You know the party bit I do

where I put my shoes
on the wrong feet

and wear my coat backwards?

She always breaks up at that.

Yeah, I've heard it.
It's a forced laugh.

She could hardly breathe last
night when I told that pumpkin story.

I didn't hear her laugh.

Well, rough. She
was rolling in the aisle.

She's a sourpuss.

I hate her.

Hate?

You hate... you hate her?

That's an awful
strong word, hate.

Well, it fits.

How can you say that?

You ate her cooking. She
let you sleep in our garage.

Bob, I love Emily.

Well, I wish you'd
make up your mind.

I've always loved Emily.

First of all, because
you love her.

Second of all,
because I love her.

But you get the
point, don't you, Bob?

Yeah, you hate my wife.

I love your wife, and I want
you to love my wife, too.

Well, I like her.

And I'm sure in time,

I'll grow to love her.

And I'm sorry if I offended you.

Bob, love means never
having to say your sorry.

When you married Emily,
our friendship didn't end,

and it's not going to end now.

Yeah, you're right.
We're... we're a team.

Like, um... Fred Astaire
and Ginger Rogers.

Or, um...

Sherlock Holmes
and Doctor Watson.

I was thinking more

Robert Redford
and Mickey Rooney.

That's kind of ludicrous, Bob.

Yeah, you're much
taller than Mickey.

- Let's have some lunch.
- What time is it?

12:00.

Well, when it's 12:00

♪ We climb the stairs ♪

♪ We never knock ♪

Are you sure that's
the way you do it?

Yeah, I saw Bob trying it out.

You see, you put the
bucket up on top of the door,

then when somebody opens
the door, it falls on their head.

Is it funny?

It's supposed to be.

Well, I don't get it.

Me, neither.

Howard: Anybody home?

Oh, Howard. Howard,
don't come in?

I've gotta come in.

I've gotta sing Bob my jingle.

Hey, where is Bob?

He's not home yet.

Oh, well, then
I'll say my jingle.

Fly me to the moon, we
leave the Sixth of June.

Unless we got fogged in,

then we leave the Seventh.

It's a beauty, Howard.

Thanks. I had a hard
time getting "fogged in"

to rhyme with "the Seventh".

I'll see you later,
uh... Crocodile.

Are you sure you use a bucket?

Yeah, Bob says it's not
funny unless you use a bucket.

Wait a minute, I think
I hear the elevator.

Uh-oh, that must
be them. Come on.

I'm dying to see how they
react when the joke's on them.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hi, Emily. Hi, honey.

Hi, Clifford.

Uh, where's Bob?

He's right behind me.
I'm going to wash up.

Well, what have
you two been up to?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Well, I'm starved.
I'm going to change.

By the way, it's impossible
to close that door

with that bucket stuck on top.

That's why I hate
practical jokes.