The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 24 - A Matter of Principal - full transcript

[Rings] HELLO?

YOU KNOW, EMILY, IT'S AMAZING
HOW THIS THING ORGANIZES RECORDS.

- LIKE, IF YOU WANT HERB ALPERT,
THAT'S UNDER "A."
- MM-HMM.

IF YOU WANT "CHRISTMAS WITH
ANDY WILLIAMS," THAT'S UNDER "C."

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE
PUT THAT UNDER "W."

WELL, HERE'S ONE YOU CAN'T MISS:
"THE MANY MOODS OF MANTOVANI."

HUH? I DIDN'T KNOW HE
HAD MORE THAN ONE MOOD.

WELL, WHATEVER.
THEY'RE ALL ARRANGED

ALPHABETICALLY. SEE,
THE BEAUTY OF THIS IS...

HONEY, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD ARRANGE
THOSE ALPHABETICALLY AND SILENTLY?

BECAUSE I'M REALLY TRYING TO
CONCENTRATE ON GRADING THESE ESSAYS.



ESSAYS FOR THIRD-GRADERS?

YEAH. DIDN'T YOU DO
ESSAYS IN THIRD GRADE?

NO, ALL WE DID WAS CLAP ERASERS
AND EAT GRAHAM CRACKERS.

BOB, YOU GOTTA READ THIS.

"'WHAT CHICAGO MEANS
TO ME' BY CRAIG SHUMWAY.

"THEY CALL CHICAGO
'THE WINDY CITY.'

"THEY ALSO CALL IT
'THAT TODDLIN' TOWN.'

"BUT I CALL IT HOME.

"IT'S ONE TOWN THAT
WON'T LET YOU DOWN.

IT'S MY KIND OF
TOWN, CHICAGO IS."

HE SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN "ONE
MORE TIME" AT THE END OF IT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE READ HIS
ESSAY ON TRANSPORTATION.

IT STARTED WITH, "I'LL BE DOWN
TO GET YA IN A TAXI, HONEY."

HONEY, BOB, W-WOULD
YOU READ THIS ONE?



"'WHAT CHICAGO MEANS
TO ME' BY RICHARD LEWIS.

"CHICAGO, A MIDWESTERN
MEGALOPOLIS...

"WHERE URBAN AND AGRARIAN
LIFESTYLES COMMINGLE.

"FROM ITS BLUSTERY WINDSWEPT
LAKEFRONT, TO ITS TEEMING SOUTH SIDE,

"TO ITS CHIC NITERIES
ON THE NEAR NORTH,

"CHICAGO TRULY
EMBRACES ALL OF THE BEST...

THAT IS AMERICA."

HE'S IN THE THIRD GRADE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK HE'S THE ONLY THIRD-GRADER
THAT'LL EVER WIN A PULITZER PRIZE.

DON'T YOU SEE,
BOB? THIS ISN'T RIGHT.

WELL, EMILY, ANYBODY
CAN MISSPELL MEGALOPOLIS.

I DON'T MEAN THAT. I DON'T
THINK HE WROTE IT HIMSELF.

I CAN'T PROVE IT, BUT I
THINK HIS FATHER HELPED HIM.

WHY? BECAUSE HE WANTS HIM
TO SKIP. HE THINKS HE'S GIFTED.

WELL, HIS FATHER'S
CERTAINLY GIFTED.

MAYBE YOU OUGHTA PUT
HIM IN THE FIFTH GRADE.

WELL, HIS FATHER IS A VERY INFLUENTIAL
MEMBER OF THE SCHOOL BOARD.

HE ALLOCATES ALL THE MONEY
FOR ELEMENTARY EDUCATION.

YOU MEAN, IF YOU DON'T SKIP RICHARD,
HE'LL CUT OFF YOUR SUPPLY OF CRAYOLAS?

WELL, NOT EXACTLY, BUT I UNDERSTAND
HE'S USED TO GETTING HIS WAY.

OH, NO. WHAT'S THE MATTER?

"MORE OF THE MANY
MOODS OF MANTOVANI."

I GOTTA MOVE
EVERYONE BACK. [Knocking]

[Emily] COME IN.
HI, EMILY. HI, BOB.

HI, HOWARD. YOU
RUNNING AWAY FROM HOME?

NO, NO. I'VE BEEN DOING
MY SPRING CLEANING.

I'VE BORROWED SO MUCH STUFF FROM YOU GUYS,
I HAD TO CARRY IT OVER IN MY SUITCASE.

HOWARD, THAT'S MY SUITCASE.

OH, WELL, THEN I WON'T HAVE
TO CARRY ANYTHING BACK.

AH, HERE WE GO. AH.

HERE IS YOUR
WAFFLE IRON... YEAH.

FLASHLIGHT. OH, HOWARD, WE
WERE REALLY MISSING THESE.

YEAH, HOWARD, WE WERE GETTING
TIRED OF EATING PANCAKES IN THE DARK.

UH, EMILY, HERE'S
YOUR BLOUSE. THIS?

HOWARD, THIS ISN'T MINE.

I WAS NEVER A STEWARDESS
FOR LUFTHANSA AIRLINES.

OH, YEAH, WELL, THAT, UH... THAT
DOESN'T BELONG TO ANYBODY.

WELL, THERE THEY ARE. THEY'RE
ALL ARRANGED ALPHABETICALLY.

THE FINAL SLOT,
THE FINAL RECORD...

"ZONGS OF THE ZUIDER
ZEE" BY FLORIAN ZABACH.

THAT REMINDS ME, BOB.

THIS MUST BE YOURS.

"ABSOLUTELY ANKA."

I'M A-AFRAID OUR TIME
IS UP, MR. TREVESCO.

OH. HEY, UH, WHAT DO
YOU THINK, DR. HARTLEY?

AM I READY FOR THE LOONY BIN?

NO, MR. TREVESCO. A LOT OF PERFECTLY
NORMAL PEOPLE THINK THEY SEE U.F.O.'s.

THEN WHY DOES
EVERYBODY THINK I'M CRAZY?

SEE, WE TRY TO SHY AWAY FROM
WORDS LIKE "LOONY BIN" AND "CRAZY."

ALL RIGHT, FORGET CRAZY.
WHAT ABOUT WACKO?

- WACKO?
- YEAH, SOMEBODY SAID THAT
ABOUT ME.

WELL, SOME PEOPLE ARE
CRUEL AND INSENSITIVE...

AND, AT TIMES, EVEN STUPID.

WELL, WHAT AM I GONNA
SAY? SHE'S MY MOTHER.

OUR... OUR NEXT SESSION, WE'LL TALK ABOUT
WHAT THESE SPACE CREATURES LOOK LIKE.

YEAH, I... I HAD A CAMERA WITH
ME, BUT THEY WOULDN'T POSE.

BUT I'LL NEVER FORGET
'EM. THEY WERE TINY.

EVEN SMALLER THAN YOU.

AND THEY HAD THE STRANGEST
MOUTH I'VE EVER SEEN...

ALL METAL AND SHINY
AND PROTRUDING.

IT WAS TERRIFYING.
[Elevator Bell Dings]

JUST RELAX, AND WE'LL
TALK ABOUT IT NEXT TIME.

LISTEN. THANKS, DR. HARTLEY.
I FEEL BETTER ALREADY.

CAROL, YOU READY TO GO
TO LUNCH? YEAH. READY.

- HOW 'BOUT YOU, BOB?
- YEAH, SURE, JERRY. I'LL COME ALONG.

OKEYDOKE.

HI, EMILY. OH, HI.

HI, HONEY. WE'RE GOING
TO LUNCH. WANNA JOIN US?

I HAVE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT, AND I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

YOU DON'T NEED MUCH TIME
IF YOU'RE COMING OUT WITH US.

WE'RE GOING TO THE FASTEST
RESTAURANT IN TOWN, THE HASH 'N' DASH.

IT TAKES FIVE MINUTES TO GET THERE, FIVE TO
GET BACK. WHOLE THING'LL TAKE 18 MINUTES.

HASH 'N' DASH. ISN'T THAT THE RESTAURANT
THAT HAS THE MENUS IN SHORTHAND?

WHY ELSE DO YOU
THINK HE'S TAKING ME?

I GET A FREE MEAL, HE
GETS AN INTERPRETER.

WE'LL TRY AND CATCH
UP WITH YOU. RIGHT.

BOB, I-I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

I KNOW YOU'RE BUSY, AND I HATE TO
TROUBLE YOU WITH MY LITTLE PROBLEMS.

DON'T BE SILLY, EMILY.

IF YOU LEAVE LITTLE PROBLEMS
ALONE, THEY BECOME BIG PROBLEMS,

AND BEFORE YOU
KNOW IT, YOU'RE WACKO.

HONEY, YOU MUST HAVE
HAD A LOT OF PATIENTS TODAY.

NO, JUST... JUST ONE.
JUST ONE BIG ONE.

OH. HOW'S HE GONNA
SLEEP TONIGHT?

NOT A QUESTION OF HOW.
IT'S A QUESTION OF WHERE.

WELL, UH, ANYTHING WRONG?

WELL, I JUST CAME FROM A MEETING
WITH THE PRINCIPAL ABOUT RICHARD LEWIS.

YOU MEAN, UH,
MEGALOPOLIS RICHARD LEWIS.

YEAH. AND MR. BRIMSKILL IS REALLY
STARTING TO PUT THE PRESSURE ON, BOB.

HE WANTS ME TO SKIP
RICHARD TO THE FIFTH GRADE.

IT'S NOT THAT HE'S
NOT BRIGHT ENOUGH.

I JUST THINK THAT EMOTIONALLY AND SOCIALLY
AND PHYSICALLY, HE'S NOT READY FOR IT.

BUT RICHARD'S FATHER MUST REALLY BE
PUTTING THE PRESSURE ON MR. BRIMSKILL,

SO HE'S PUTTING
THE PRESSURE ON ME,

AND I THINK MAYBE THAT'S
WHY I'M RESISTING IT.

I MEAN, BOB, YOU KNOW HOW I AM.

THE MINUTE SOMEBODY STARTS
TO PUSH ME, I WANT TO PUSH BACK.

I THOUGHT I'D COME AND TALK
TO YOU ABOUT IT BECAUSE, WELL,

YOU'RE ALWAYS SO OBJECTIVE
ABOUT THESE MATTERS.

- OH, THANK YOU, EMILY.
- SO WHAT DO YOU THINK
I SHOULD DO?

BEATS ME.

THANK YOU, BOB.

NO, EMILY, I HAVE COMPLETE CONFIDENCE IN
YOUR ABILITY TO REACH THE RIGHT DECISION.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU OUGHTA DO?
- BEATS ME.

AS LONG AS WE'VE SETTLED
THAT, LET'S GO TO LUNCH.

GOOD. MAYBE WE COULD
CATCH UP WITH CAROL AND JERRY.

YOU CAN'T CATCH UP WITH
ANYBODY AT THE HASH 'N' DASH...

ONCE THEY PUT 'EM
ON THE CONVEYOR BELT.

[Knocking] COME IN.

HELLO. OH, HI, HOWARD.

I BOUGHT EMILY SOME FLOWERS. JUST MY WAY OF
SAYING THANKS FOR ALL THE BORROWING I DO.

GEE, THAT'S REALLY
VERY NICE OF YOU.

I THOUGHT THERE USED TO BE A
VASE HERE. WELL, I BORROWED IT.

OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT
IT. I'LL FIND ANOTHER ONE.

I'M GETTING DRESSED FOR EMILY'S SPAGHETTI
PARTY. WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD WEAR?

TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE,
A CHECKERED TABLECLOTH.

[Doorbell Buzzes] I'LL GET IT.

UH, DR. HARTLEY? UH,
NO. THAT'S DR. HARTLEY.

I'M JUST A FRIEND
WHO'S JUST LEAVING.

- THANKS FOR THE FLOWERS.
- SEE YOU AT 8:00.

DR. HARTLEY, I'M MR. BRIMSKILL, THE
PRINCIPAL AT TRACY GRAMMAR SCHOOL.

OH. OH, YES. COME IN.

IS, UH... IS EMILY
EXPECTING YOU?

NO, I JUST HAPPENED TO BE TAKING A
LITTLE STROLL, AND I THOUGHT I'D DROP BY.

SHE... SHE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. SHE JUST WENT
TO THE STORE. FINE. LET'S TAKE OUR SEATS.

WOULD YOU, UH... WOULD
YOU CARE FOR SOME COFFEE?

NO, BUT I'D LOVE
A GLASS OF MILK.

I'LL SEE IF WE HAVE ANY. AND SOME
GRAHAM CRACKERS, IF YOU HAVE ANY.

WE DON'T USUALLY KEEP GRAHAM
CRACKERS AROUND THE HOUSE, BUT I'LL LOOK.

OH, I HOPE YOU HAVE SOME.

- OH, I'M SORRY. WE DON'T.
- OH, RATS.

ALL WE HAVE ARE THE,
UH, SUGAR WAFERS,

COCONUT MACAROONS
AND JELLY JUMP-UPS.

- DO YOU HAVE ANY FIG NEWTONS?
- NO. HOW 'BOUT SOME SOUP?

NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
JUST THE MILK THEN.

- I'M SORRY. I'M AFRAID WE'RE OUT OF MILK.
- THEN JUST A COCONUT MACAROON.

- OKAY.
- AND MAYBE A LITTLE JUICE.

JUICE.

UH, WE HAVE TOMATO AND GRAPE.

OH, BY ALL MEANS, GRAPE.

YOUR, UH, VISIT HERE WOULDN'T HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH LITTLE, UH, RICHARD LEWIS?

OH, LITTLE RICHARD LEWIS.
OH, WHAT A BRIGHT BOY.

EXTREMELY BRIGHT, GIFTED.

I'VE BEEN IN EDUCATION
35 YEARS, AND I'VE

SEEN VERY FEW BOYS AS
BRIGHT AS RICHARD LEWIS.

IN THE OLD DAYS, WE'D
DOUBLE-SKIP A BOY LIKE THAT.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS DOUBLE-SKIPPED
MYSELF. I WAS VERY MATURE FOR MY AGE.

WELL, HERE ARE YOUR
MACAROONS AND YOUR GRAPE JUICE.

THANK YOU. UH, DR. HARTLEY.

YOU'RE A PSYCHOLOGIST,
RIGHT? RIGHT.

I THINK A LITTLE
PSYCHOLOGICAL PERSUASION...

IS EXACTLY WHAT EMILY
NEEDS IN THIS MATTER.

- YOU WANT ME TO HYPNOTIZE HER?
- NO, THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.

IT'S JUST THAT, LIKE
MOST HUSBANDS,

YOU PROBABLY HAVE A GREAT DEAL OF INFLUENCE
OVER YOUR WIFE'S DECISION-MAKING PROCESS.

WELL, LIKE MOST
HUSBANDS, I DON'T.

OH, I SEE.

ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES
TO HER LIFE OR HER WORK.

I REALLY DON'T SEE WHY...

EMILY WOULDN'T RESPECT
MY JUDGMENT IN THIS MATTER.

I DON'T, UH... I DON'T EITHER.

OH! HELLO, MR. BRIMSKILL.

OH, EMILY, WE WERE
JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.

PLEASE COME IN
AND TAKE YOUR SEAT.

- WE WERE JUST HAVING
A LITTLE GRAPE JUICE.
- YES, I CAN SEE THAT.

WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU'RE
WONDERING WHY I DROPPED BY.

WELL, NO, I THINK I HAVE
A PRETTY GOOD IDEA.

I COULD BEAT AROUND THE BUSH,
BUT I'M NOT THAT KIND OF A PERSON.

WE REALLY FEEL MORE
STRONGLY THAN EVER...

THAT RICHARD LEWIS SHOULD
BE SKIPPED TO THE FIFTH GRADE.

- "WE"?
- WELL, SOME OF US.

YOU MEAN, YOU AND CERTAIN MEMBERS OF
THE SCHOOL BOARD NAMED RICHARD LEWIS SR.?

- I DON'T THINK HE'D MIND.
- WELL, I WON'T DO IT.

DR. HARTLEY, YOU CERTAINLY HAVE
AN INDEPENDENT LITTLE WOMAN HERE.

YEAH, SHE'S A
FOOTLOOSE LITTLE VIXEN.

I RESPECT THAT, AND I...

I WOULDN'T ASK HER TO DO
SOMETHING SHE WOULDN'T WANT TO DO,

SO I PERSONALLY WILL ASSUME THE
RESPONSIBILITY OF SKIPPING THE CHILD.

THAT WAY, EMILY, YOUR
CONSCIENCE CAN BE CLEAR,

AND WE'LL BE DOING THE
RIGHT THING FOR THE BOY.

NOW IF YOU'LL PARDON ME,

I'LL JUST SNITCH ANOTHER ONE OF THESE
DELICIOUS MACAROONS AND BE ON MY WAY.

YOU MEAN THAT'S IT? YOU JUST
MADE UP YOUR MIND, AND THAT'S IT?

- I'M AFRAID I HAVE.
- YOU'RE JUST GONNA GO OVER
MY HEAD AND SKIP THAT BOY?

I'M AFRAID I WILL. DESPITE THE FACT
THAT I STRONGLY ADVISE AGAINST IT?

I'M AFRAID THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, THEN I'M
AFRAID I QUIT. WHAT?

I QUIT!

OH, AND FURTHERMORE,
MR. BRIMSKILL,

YOU HAVE GRAPE JUICE
ALL OVER YOUR FACE.

I'M AFRAID SHE'S RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, BOB, I CAN'T
STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

THAT KINDLY LITTLE MAN SNEAKING
IN HERE AND TRYING TO BLACKMAIL ME.

HONEY, WOULD YOU FASTEN THIS?

I OUGHTA TAKE THIS TO THE SCHOOL
BOARD. I GUESS THAT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA.

UH, EMILY? I HAVE A GOOD IDEA.

WHAT? COULD YOU
STAND STILL A MINUTE?

WELL, MAYBE I SHOULD TAKE
IT TO THE MAYOR'S OFFICE...

OR THE MUNICIPAL COURT.

I'D BE ANXIOUS TO HEAR HOW JUDGE SIRICA
RULES ON THIS. BOB! I JUST QUIT MY JOB!

I KNOW! AND WE'VE GOT
PEOPLE COMING OVER.

I'LL CALL, AND I'LL
CANCEL. NO, IT'S TOO LATE.

I CAN STILL REACH
JERRY BY PHONE.

[Doorbell Buzzes] YOU CAN CATCH
HIM AT THE DOOR. I'LL GET IT.

LISTEN, HONEY, LET'S NOT PUT A DAMPER ON
THE EVENING BY TELLING THEM WHAT HAPPENED.

- YOU KNOW, LET'S... OKAY?
- OKAY.

HI! COME ON IN! HOW'S IT GOING?

I'M IN A LOUSY MOOD, THE FOOD
ISN'T READY, AND I QUIT MY JOB.

MY SOCKS DON'T MATCH.

YOU QUIT YOUR JOB?
GEE, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

LISTEN, WHY DON'T I
FIX SOME DRINKS, AND

WE'LL PRETEND LIKE
WE'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME?

YOU'RE SERIOUS, EMILY? I MEAN,
WHAT HAPPENED? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S VERY COMPLICATED, AND I GET MAD WHEN
I THINK ABOUT IT, SO, BOB, YOU TELL 'EM.

UH, EMILY... QUIT.

OH. NOW I UNDERSTAND.

UH, WHY DID YOU QUIT, EMILY?

WELL, THEY WANTED ME TO SKIP THIS BOY,
AND I DIDN'T THINK HE SHOULD BE SKIPPED,

AND THEY SKIPPED HIM OVER MY
HEAD, SO I HAD NO CHOICE AND I QUIT.

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING, EMILY.

I TRIED TO QUIT MY JOB
ONCE. THEY WOULDN'T LET ME.

THEY CAN'T STOP
YOU FROM QUITTING.

MY COMPANY COMMANDER
SAID THEY COULD.

EMILY, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

I'M NOT SO SURE, JER.

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING
WRONG WITH SKIPPING PER SE.

I SKIPPED MYSELF, AND
IT TURNED OUT GREAT...

BECAUSE HERE I AM, AN INCREDIBLY
SUCCESSFUL RECEPTIONIST.

NOW I HAVE HIT MY PROFESSIONAL
PEAK, AND I'M ONLY 30 YEARS OLD.

IF YOU HADN'T SKIPPED A
GRADE, YOU'D BE 31 NOW.

UH, EMILY, THE
SPAGHETTI'S TURNING GREEN.

IT'S NOT SPAGHETTI, BOB. IT'S GREEN
FETTUCCINE. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE GREEN.

- I HOPE THE SAUCE ISN'T.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK? YOU THINK
EMILY SHOULD HAVE QUIT?

JERRY, I'VE BEEN MARRIED TO EMILY FOR
FIVE YEARS, AND I'VE LEARNED ONE THING.

SHE'S NO QUITTER. I'M SURE
SHE'LL COME TO THE RIGHT DECISION.

- I'M SURE SHE MADE
THE RIGHT DECISION.
- MAYBE IT WAS A GOOD MOVE.

I CAN ONLY THINK OF A FEW
REASONS WHY IT WOULDN'T BE.

I MEAN, EMILY'S BEEN TEACHING FOR
10 YEARS. SHE'LL LOSE HER TENURE.

KID'LL PROBABLY
SKIP A GRADE ANYWAY.

SHE'LL LOSE THAT BATTLE,
AND SHE'LL PROBABLY

NEVER GET ANOTHER
JOB TEACHING AGAIN...

BECAUSE EVERYBODY THINKS
SHE'S SO TEMPERAMENTAL.

SHE WON'T BE MAKING
ANY MORE MONEY.

WELL, HERE'S TO EMILY!

YOU KNOW, DR. HARTLEY,
THIS TIME I DIDN'T JUST SEE 'EM.

THIS TIME THOSE LITTLE BUGGERS
CARRIED ME RIGHT INTO THE SPACESHIP.

WHAT WAS IT LIKE
INSIDE THE SHIP?

OH, SMALL, BUT TASTEFUL.

- GO WITH THAT, MR. TREVESCO.
- TASTEFUL IS TASTEFUL. TO EACH HIS OWN.

I LIKED IT.

IT WAS KIND OF BLUE WALLS,
AND THE FURNITURE WAS, UH...

WHAT DO YOU CALL IT? MODERN.

YOU MIGHT EVEN
SAY DANISH MODERN.

YOU KNOW, MR. TREVESCO, WE'VE
DISCUSSED THIS OVER A NUMBER OF SESSIONS,

AND THERE'S NO DOUBT IN MY MIND THAT YOU
FIRMLY BELIEVE YOU MET THESE LITTLE BUG...

THESE CREATURES. [Clears Throat]

BUT DO YOU THINK ANY PART OF
IT COULD BE MAYBE FANTASIZING...

HEY, YOU CALL THIS FANTASIZING?

I GOT A SNAPSHOT
HERE THAT PROVES IT.

THE CIGAR-SHAPED OBJECT
WITH THE RED GLOW ON THE END...

THAT'S WHAT THEY WERE FLYING?

NO, THAT'S WHAT
THEY WERE SMOKING.

WELL, I'M AFRAID OUR TIME IS UP.

YEAH, I'M AFRAID SO
TOO, DR. HARTLEY.

NO, NO. I MEANT THE SESSION.

OH, OH! RIGHT.

OH, MR. TREVESCO, I'VE
GOT A MESSAGE FOR YOU.

- IT ISN'T ANOTHER
OF THOSE TALK SHOWS?
- NO, IT'S FROM YOUR WIFE.

AH, THE MISSUS.
SHE'S SOLID AS A ROCK.

I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON HER
TO BRING ME DOWN TO EARTH.

SHE SAYS NOT TO
BOTHER TO PICK HER UP.

SHE'S GOT THE CAMERA, THE
TAPE RECORDER, THE FLASHLIGHT,

AND SHE'LL MEET
YOU AT THE SWAMP.

HI, BOB. HI, JERRY.
WHERE YOU BEEN?

HEALTH CLUB. I TOOK A STEAM BATH,
TRYING TO SWEAT OFF THAT GREEN SPAGHETTI.

YOU OUGHTA COME, BOB. THEY
GOT THIS NEW MICROWAVE SAUNA.

MICROWAVE SAUNA?

YEAH, IT'S REALLY GREAT. YOU CAN
ONLY STAY IN THERE FOR TWO MINUTES.

YOU CAN'T WEAR A TOWEL
BECAUSE IT WOULD JUST BURN OFF.

FLOOR IS VERY HOT. YOU
HAVE TO RUN 'CAUSE YOU

CAN'T HAVE BOTH FEET
DOWN AT THE SAME TIME.

IF YOU SHOULD SLIP AND FALL...
[Imitates Electrical Shock] IT'S ALL OVER.

SOUNDS LIKE FUN. IT
IS, IF YOU DO IT RIGHT.

YOU REALLY OUGHTA TRY
IT. YOU REALLY OUGHTA GO.

YOU REALLY OUGHTA COME NOW.
IF YOU WANNA COME, I'LL GO AGAIN.

MAYBE I WILL. DO I HAVE
TO FIREPROOF MY HAIR? NO!

HEY, BOB, WHAT DID EMILY
FINALLY DECIDE TO DO LAST NIGHT?

OH, WE HAD A LONG TALK,
AND SHE GOT VERY EMOTIONAL,

AND IT SEEMED LIKE SHE WAS
REALLY GONNA DO IT, YOU KNOW,

BUT I KNOW EMILY PRETTY WELL,
AND I THINK SHE'LL DECIDE TO STAY.

[Rings] DR. HARTLEY'S OFFICE.

OH, HI, EMILY. YEAH,
JUST A MINUTE. BOB.

HI, HONEY. WHAT'D YOU DECIDE?

YOU... YOU'RE GONNA QUIT.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

YEAH, I'LL SEE YOU THERE.

I SHOULD HAVE
RENTED A PICKUP TRUCK.

I'M NEVER GONNA GET ALL THIS
STUFF IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR.

YOU KNOW, BOB, I'M REALLY
GONNA MISS THIS ROOM.

WHEN YOU'VE BEEN IN A PLACE
THREE YEARS, IT BECOMES PART OF YOU.

DOESN'T SEEM LIKE THERE'S MUCH
THAT BELONGS TO THE SCHOOL.

LET'S LOAD IT UP. OH,
HELLO, DR. HARTLEY.

OH, HI, MR. BRIMSKILL.

- WAIT A MINUTE, DR. HARTLEY.
- YOU JUST GO AHEAD, BOB.

PLEASE WAIT, DR. HARTLEY.

EMILY, WE REALLY DON'T
WANT YOU TO LEAVE.

WELL, I DON'T WANT
TO LEAVE EITHER,

BUT YOU DON'T GIVE ME A CHOICE.

WELL, YOU COULD STAY.

I CAN'T STAY UNDER
THESE CONDITIONS.

I REMEMBER WHEN YOU
CAME HERE THREE YEARS AGO.

YOU BROUGHT LIFE TO THIS ROOM,

FILLED IT WITH JOY AND
LAUGHTER AND HAMSTERS.

I REMEMBER HOW HAPPY YOU WERE THAT
FIRST DAY WHEN YOU WROTE "MRS. HARTLEY"...

ON THAT BLACKBOARD.

IF THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG TRIP DOWN
MEMORY LANE, COULD I SET THIS DOWN?

DR. HARTLEY, ISN'T THERE SOMETHING
YOU CAN SAY TO CHANGE YOUR WIFE'S MIND?

NOPE. THANK YOU, BOB.

YOU CAN START TAKING THESE
THINGS DOWN TO THE CAR.

OKAY. PLEASE WAIT, DR. HARTLEY.

BEING A PROFESSIONAL MAN, I SHOULD THINK
YOU WOULD TAKE A MORE MATURE ATTITUDE.

I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU! YOU
WANT ME TO STAND IN THE CLOAKROOM?

NO, I'D LIKE YOU TO PUT THOSE THINGS DOWN
UNTIL I HAVE A CHANCE TO TALK TO YOUR WIFE.

NOW, EMILY, IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN
DO TO MAKE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND?

WELL, THERE IS ONE THING.

I KNOW WHAT IT IS. DON'T
SKIP RICHARD LEWIS.

I'M AFRAID THAT DECISION HAS BEEN
MADE. YOU CAN GO AHEAD, DR. HARTLEY.

NO, JUST WAIT A MINUTE, BOB.

THAT ISN'T IT. WHAT IS IT THEN?

IF YOU'RE GOING TO
SKIP RICHARD LEWIS,

THEN I'D LIKE YOU TO SKIP SUSAN
HIRSCH, BECKY MANN, TONY MORDANTE...

AND PETER RICHMOND
TO THE FIFTH GRADE. WHY?

THEY'RE AS BRIGHT AS RICHARD
LEWIS, AND THEY DO THEIR OWN WORK.

MR., UH... MR. BRIMSKILL?

WELL, I CAN'T APPROVE
SKIPPING ALL THOSE STUDENTS.

FINE.

UH, THESE BOOKS... ARE THEY THE
SCHOOL'S OR DO THEY BELONG TO YOU?

THEY BELONG TO ME. OH, FINE.

WHAT ABOUT THE HAMSTERS?
THEY'RE YOURS. MURF AND SURF STAY.

JUST TELL THE SUBSTITUTE
TEACHER THAT MURF

DOESN'T EAT LETTUCE,
BUT HE DOES EAT CHALK,

AND SURF WILL EAT ANYTHING.

EMILY, I WANT YOU TO
KNOW IT'S NOT EASY...

MAKING SOME OF THE
DECISIONS I HAVE TO MAKE.

IT SEEMS THE OLDER I
GET, THE HARDER IT IS.

I DON'T KNOW. THE
PRESSURES BECOME GREATER.

THE HAMSTERS, CHEWING
GUM UNDER THE DESKS.

THE BUDGET GETS SMALLER.
CREPE PAPER, GRAHAM CRACKERS.

OH, HOT LUNCHES.
OH, I DON'T KNOW!

I GUESS WHAT I MEAN IS...

IF YOU EVER CHANGE YOUR MIND,

WE'D LIKE YOU TO STAY.

[Chuckles]

HERE YOU GO, MURF.

MRS. HARTLEY, I ALREADY
GAVE MURF SOME CHALK TODAY.

LISA. WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE SO LATE?

I WAS JUST PLAYING TETHERBALL,
AND I SAW YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW.

MRS. HARTLEY?

- YOU KNOW WHAT WE HEARD TODAY
WHEN YOU WEREN'T AT SCHOOL?
- NO. WHAT?

WE HEARD WE WERE GONNA GET A NEW TEACHER,
THAT YOU WEREN'T GONNA TEACH US ANYMORE.

THAT'S NOT TRUE,
IS IT, MRS. HARTLEY?

WELL, UH, LISA,

I'M AFRAID IT IS, BUT, UH,

I'M SURE YOU'RE GONNA
LIKE THE NEW TEACHER.

NOT AS MUCH AS WE LIKE YOU.

WE'RE ALL GONNA MISS YOU, MRS.
HARTLEY, EXCEPT FOR CRAIG SHUMWAY.

HE HATES EVERYBODY.

WELL, MRS. HARTLEY...

UH, LISA?

YOU PROMISE ME YOU'LL GIVE
THE NEW TEACHER A CHANCE, OKAY?

OKAY, I WILL, MRS. HARTLEY.

ARE YOU THE NEW TEACHER?

I HATE YOU.

EMILY, THIS STUFF IS GONNA HAVE TO RIDE
IN THE BACKSEAT 'CAUSE THE TRUNK IS FULL.

I'LL TAKE THIS DOWN, AND THEN WHEN
YOU LEAVE, YOU CAN TAKE THAT CARTON.

BOB?

WHATEVER YOU SAY.

THAT'S THE LATEST NEWS,
AND STILL NO WORD OF

YOUR TRIUMPHANT RETURN
TO TRACY GRAMMAR SCHOOL.

I MAY NOT HAVE MADE HEADLINES, BUT
THE KIDS WERE CERTAINLY GLAD TO SEE ME.

EVEN, UH, CRAIG SHUMWAY?
WELL, MAYBE NOT CRAIG SHUMWAY.

YOU KNOW HOW HE'S
ALWAYS USING LYRICS?

WHEN I GOT THERE, HE
HAD ALREADY WRITTEN...

"TOOT-TOOT-TOOSIE,
GOOD-BYE" ON THE BLACKBOARD.

SO I KEPT HIM AFTER
SCHOOL. I LET THE OTHER

KIDS GO AT 2:30, AND
I KEPT HIM TILL 3:00.

I BET YOU CAN'T GUESS
WHAT HE SAID TO ME AT 2:45.

"IT'S QUARTER TO 3:00. THERE'S NO
ONE IN THE PLACE EXCEPT YOU AND ME."

[Laughing] RIGHT.

[Mews]