The Bob Newhart Show (1972–1978): Season 2, Episode 22 - By the Way... You're Fired - full transcript

[Rings] HELLO?

[Typing]

I KNOW, DON. I DIDN'T
SLEEP A WINK EITHER.

SEEMS LIKE AN
ETERNITY, DOESN'T IT?

WHAT?

AN EON?

OH, DON, YOU'RE SO DEEP.

OH... OH, WHY, DON, YOU DEVIL.

[Giggles]

OH! OH, WELL, UH, I'D BETTER
BE SAYING GOOD-BYE NOW.

I CAN'T SAY THAT ON THE
PHONE. IT WOULD EMBARRASS ME.



UH...

[Clears Throat] ALL
RIGHT, UM... DITTO.

DITTO.

OH, DITTO, DITTO.

[Kisses]

- WELL, HI, JER.
- DITTO.

- FINISHED WITH THE LETTER YET?
- ALL DONE.

"DEAR MRS. WILLETT,
JUST A REMINDER,

"IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS SINCE
RICKY'S LAST APPOINTMENT.

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART
AND SOUL. DR. JERRY ROBINSON."

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME,
CAROL. JUST MAIL IT RIGHT OUT.

I DON'T KNOW, JER. I GUESS I
HAD MY MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE.

- OH, REALLY? GEE, YOU'D NEVER KNOW IT.
- OH! ARE YOU BEING SARCASTIC?

ME, SARCASTIC? NO!



- IS, UH, BOB IN?
- YES, HE'S IN.

GOOD. [Elevator Bell Dings]

UH, NOW HE'S IN.

MORNING, CAROL. HI, JERRY.
BOB, I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU.

FINE. OH, UH, CAROL, DO
I HAVE ANY MESSAGES?

UH, NO. NO.

UH, BUT, BOB, WAIT. DID YOU FIND THAT
MAGAZINE THAT HAD DON'S ARTICLE IN IT?

YEAH, YEAH, FINALLY.

IT'S KINDA HARD TO GET YOUR HANDS ON A
COPY OF PHARMACEUTICALS ILLUSTRATED.

- OH.
- WELL, THE TITLE
WAS KINDA PROVOCATIVE.

YOU KNOW... "COUGH SYRUPS VERSUS
THROAT LOZENGES: TAKE YOUR CHOICE."

I... LISTEN, HE ONLY WRITES
THOSE ARTICLES FOR A LIVING.

HE REALLY WANTS TO BE A
NOVELIST. DID I TELL YOU THAT?

YEAH, YOU TOLD ME THAT. COME ON,
BOB. I REALLY HAVE TO TALK TO YOU.

DOOR'S STUCK.

JERRY, I, UH, HAVE AN IDEA.

[Phone Rings]

DR. ROBINSON'S OFFICE.

OH, JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE.
IT'S FOR ME. DO YOU MIND?

MIND? ME? NO! WHY
SHOULD I MIND? [Laughs]

JERRY, HAS MY DOOR DONE
SOMETHING TO UPSET YOU?

OH, NO.

IT'S NOT YOUR DOOR,
BOB. IT'S CAROL.

SHE'S DOING A TERRIBLE JOB.

WELL, I WOULDN'T
SAY IT'S TERRIBLE.

I THINK SHE'S BEEN A
LITTLE PREOCCUPIED.

SHE'S GOING THROUGH A
PERIOD OF, WELL, BEING IN LOVE.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT,
BOB. I KNOW ALL ABOUT DON.

I'M SICK OF HEARING ABOUT DON. DID YOU
KNOW YESTERDAY THE CLEANERS LOST HIS PANTS?

THEY DIDN'T LOSE HIS PANTS. THE
DELIVERY TRUCK HAD A FLAT TIRE.

HE GOT 'EM LAST NIGHT. OH. GOOD.

SHE'LL BE ALL
RIGHT, JERRY. JUST...

GIVE HER A CHANCE.

OH, BOB, I'VE GIVEN
HER A CHANCE.

I'VE GIVEN HER LOTS OF CHANCES.

I'VE TRIED TO LOOK THE OTHER
WAY. MADE UP LITTLE JOKES ABOUT IT.

I'VE EVEN DROPPED A
FEW INSIGNIFICANT HINTS.

HAVE YOU, UH...

HAVE YOU TRIED
TELLING HER, JERRY?

THAT'S NOT MY STYLE, BOB. MY
STYLE IS BEING WITTY, CLEVER, CUTE.

MOVE THAT...

YOU MEAN, LIKE YESTERDAY,

WHEN YOU TOLD HER YOU WERE GONNA HAVE
THE PHONE SURGICALLY REMOVED FROM HER EAR?

[Laughs] YEAH. THAT WAS CLEVER,
WASN'T IT? PERFECT SQUELCH, JERRY.

YEAH.

WELL, BOB, I MEAN, DOESN'T IT MAKE
YOU MAD TO KNOW THAT SHE'S OUT THERE...

HOLDING A LOVE-IN ON YOUR TIME,
POSSIBLY RUINING YOUR BUSINESS?

DOESN'T THAT RILE YOU, BOB?
DOESN'T THAT STICK IN YOUR CRAW?

DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU WANNA JUMP
OUT THERE AND TELL HER TO SHAPE UP?

NO.

WELL, WHY NOT, BOB?

JERRY, THOSE ARE
THINGS THAT BUG YOU.

YOU SHOULD BE HONEST WITH
HER. TELL HER THE WAY YOU FEEL.

THAT'S RIGHT, BOB. I'LL DO THAT.

OH, JERRY, LISTEN, I WAS WONDERING...
ARE YOU UNHAPPY WITH MY WORK?

ME? NO! WHY SHOULD I BE?

I GOTTA RUSH.

HI, HONEY. I'M HOME.

HI, DEAR. WHERE'S THE CAKE?

- CAKE? WHAT CAKE?
- HOWARD'S BIRTHDAY CAKE
FOR THE PARTY TONIGHT.

I CALLED CAROL. SHE SAID
SHE'D GIVE YOU THE MESSAGE.

THE ONLY MESSAGE I GOT WAS THAT
HER BOYFRIEND DON HAD A PEPPER STEAK,

AND HE HAD A SNEEZING ATTACK.

YEAH. SHE TOLD ME THAT. DID SHE ALSO
TELL YOU HE'S HAVING TROUBLE WITH HIS FEET?

NO. YEAH, HE'S GOT THIS
FUNNY THING WITH HIS ARCH...

EMILY, DON'T TELL ME. I WANNA FIND OUT
TONIGHT WHEN I MEET HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME.

WELL, I GUESS I'D BETTER GO GET
THE CAKE. WHAT BAKERY IS IT AT?

- THE ONE IN
YOUR OFFICE BUILDING.
- THAT'S A LITTLE FAR.

- I'LL GO TO THE CORNER
AND GET ONE JUST LIKE IT.
- GOOD LUCK.

IT'S SHAPED LIKE A 747 AND
SAYS, "I'M HOWARD. FLY ME."

HI, CAROL. HI! WE'RE HERE.

"WE'RE"? WHERE'S DON?

♪♪ [Humming "Hail to the Chief"]

♪ DON ♪

THIS IS DON. HI.

H-HI, DON. WE'VE
HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU.

I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU TOO.

EXCEPT I WOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU
ANYWHERE ANYWAY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOWARD.

[Carol] OH, N...

THESE ARE THE
HARTLEYS. BOB AND EMILY.

WOW, THIS IS A NICE PLACE
YOU GOT HERE, BOB AND EMILY.

OH, THANK YOU.

WOW. OOH. I SEE.

IT'S NOT JUST AN APARTMENT.

THIS IS A HOME.

A PLACE WHERE, AT
THE END OF A DAY,

A MAN CAN SLIP INTO HIS
SMOKING JACKET AND SAY,

"THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL FOR."

THIS IS A HAVEN, A...

A-A-A FORTRESS.

IT'S A SHELTER
AGAINST THE SEA OF LIFE.

HOW MANY JOHNS YOU GOT?

- TWO.
- PERFECT.

UH, DON, WHY DON'T YOU SIT
DOWN AND, UH, REST YOUR FEET?

YEAH. HONEY, WHY DON'T
YOU MAKE SOME DRINKS? SURE.

CAROL? A GLASS OF WINE, BOB.

- FINE. RED OR WHITE?
- WELL, WHATEVER GOES
WITH POTATO CHIPS.

THAT'D BE RED. OH!
HE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

OH, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE
THE DELICATE BOUQUET...

OF A SCARLET WINE...

WHEN IT CLOYS IMPISHLY TO
THE ROOF OF YOUR PALATE.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE, DON?

I'LL HAVE A BEER.

[Doorbell Buzzes] OH! THAT
MUST BE THE BIRTHDAY BOY.

AREN'T WE GONNA HIDE?

- IT'S NOT A SURPRISE PARTY.
- OH.

BUT YOU CAN HIDE IF
YOU WANT TO. [Laughing]

[Doorbell Buzzes]

HI, EVERYBODY! HI!

WELL, I'M A YEAR OLDER.
DO I LOOK ANY DIFFERENT?

YOU DON'T LOOK ANY
DIFFERENT AT ALL. HAPPY 40th.

SORRY WE'RE DRESSED THIS WAY, BUT
WE'RE FLYING OUT IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.

CAROL, DO YOU
REMEMBER MARY ELLEN?

YES. HI. HI, CAROL.

HOWARD, I'D LIKE YOU AND MARY ELLEN
TO MEET A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.

DON LIVINGSTON. HI,
DON. HOW ARE YOU?

WELL, 40 YEARS AGO,

THEY DRAGGED YOU KICKING AND SCREAMING
INTO A WORLD YOU DIDN'T EVEN MAKE.

AND TODAY YOU'RE
SOARING OVER IT.

WELL, GODSPEED, AND...

MAY THE WIND BE AT YOUR TAIL.

WOW. THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

YEAH. YEAH, THAT WASN'T BAD.

OH, HI, HOWARD. HI, MARY ELLEN.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOWARD. THANK YOU.

WELL, HOWARD, THIS IS
THE BIG ONE, HUH? YEAH.

THE OLD 4-0.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, HOWARD.
WE ALL HAVE TO FACE IT SOMEDAY.

HOWARD, I DON'T THINK YOU'VE AGED A
DAY IN THE FIVE YEARS THAT I KNOW YOU.

YEAH, BUT I'M, UH...

I'M STARTING TO
SLOW DOWN A LITTLE.

WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY
SLOWING DOWN. I'M...

I'M SORT OF IN A
HOLDING PATTERN.

ACTUALLY, I'M PICKING UP STEAM.

I NEVER FELT FASTER
IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

UH, HOWARD, MARY ELLEN,
WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?

YEAH, I'D LIKE A
SCOTCH AND SODA.

DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD? WE HAVE
TO FLY OUT OF HERE IN FOUR HOURS.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
NOTHING FOR ME.

I'LL HAVE A DOUBLE
GIN ON THE ROCKS.

THOUGHT YOU SAID WE'RE
FLYING OUT IN FOUR HOURS.

WELL, I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING
EXCEPT SMILE COAST-TO-COAST.

OKAY, I KNOW WHERE IT IS.

SO, UH, HOW'S... HOW'S
EVERYTHING GOING, DON?

OH, DON, TELL HIM WHAT
YOU TOLD ME YESTERDAY.

YOU MEAN ABOUT GETTING
MY HAIR CAUGHT IN A DOOR?

NO, WHAT YOU SAID TO ME
ABOUT LISTENING TO PEOPLE.

OH! UH, YEAH.

"WHEN YOU'RE AN OBSERVER
OF THE HUMAN CONDITION,

"YOU MUST LISTEN WITH
ONE EAR TO THE VOICE,

"ONE EAR TO THE MIND,

AND THE OTHER EAR TO THE HEART."

THAT'S, UH... THAT'S
A LOT OF EARS.

OH! NOW CAN'T YOU SEE WHY I'VE GOT MY
HEAD IN THE CLOUDS AT THE OFFICE, BOB?

NOW I KNOW. [Knocking]

COME IN. OH, HI,
JER. HOW ARE YOU?

I'VE BEEN STOOD UP. OH, NO.

YEAH. I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. GAIL'S
NOT THE KIND OF PERSON TO DO THAT TO ME.

- GAIL?
- THAT'S RIGHT.

- UH-OH.
- "UH-OH" WHAT? WHAT "UH-OH"?

UH-OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
SHE'S NOT THE KIND OF

PERSON TO STAND YOU
UP. SHE LEFT A MESSAGE.

- I NEVER GOT A MESSAGE.
- WELL, I-IT'S AT THE OFFICE...

IN MY BRIDE MAGAZINE,
KEEPING MY PLACE.

- WHAT?
- JERRY, I'M SORRY.

BUT I CAN REMEMBER IT. I
KNOW I CAN. I'LL PARAPHRASE IT.

IT SAID, UM, DON'T PICK
ME UP AT MY APARTMENT.

I'LL MEET YOU AT THE AQUARIUM.

AND DON'T BE LATE, BECAUSE
THE AQUARIUM CLOSES AT 8:00.

IT'S 9:30.

THAT MEANS GAIL'S BEEN STANDING
ON THE STEPS OF THE AQUARIUM,

A HUNDRED FEET FROM THE
LAKE, FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF,

WITH THAT COLD LAKE MICHIGAN WIND
WHIPPING THROUGH HER FRAIL BODY?

OH, THAT'S GOOD STUFF.

JERRY...

WELL, I'M GONNA SEE IF I CAN CATCH UP
TO GAIL. BOB, EMILY, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOWARD.
DON, NICE TO HAVE MET YOU.

DON'T STAND UP. I KNOW ABOUT YOUR
FEET. MARY ELLEN, NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

AND, CAROL, YOU'RE FIRED.

EXCEPT FOR THAT PART ABOUT BEING
FIRED, HE SEEMED LIKE A NICE GUY.

CAROL, STOP PACKING.
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

AH! I'VE BEEN FIRED. REMEMBER?

AND I AM MERELY PACKING
UP SOME OF THE LOVELY

MEMENTOES GIVEN TO
ME BY THE DOCTORS...

DURING MY LONG YEARS
OF DEDICATED SERVICE.

MY PEN AND PENCIL SET.

AH. COMPLEMENTARY NOSE DROPS.

AND THIS PERMANENTLY
ENGRAVED CUP WHICH READS,

"OUR GIRL FOREVER."

- HA!
- [Cup Slams On Desk]

NOW ALL I'M MISSING IS MY
AUTOGRAPHED WHOOPEE CUSHION.

IT'S IN THE STORAGE
CABINET. [Elevator Bell Dings]

HI, BOB. HI, CAROL.

OH, THERE HE IS. WHOOPEE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M LEAVING.

YOU DIDN'T THINK I WAS
SERIOUS LAST NIGHT, DID YOU?

SEE, CAROL? HE WASN'T
SERIOUS. I WAS, BOB, AT THE TIME.

BUT LATER, AT THE AQUARIUM, I WAS
TALKING TO THE NIGHT WATCHMAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID? "TO ERR
IS HUMAN, TO FORGIVE DIVINE, MAC."

SO,

I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, AND I
DECIDED TO DO THE DIVINE THING.

YOU CAN COME BACK, CAROL.

AW, JER.

IS THIS THE PART WHERE I FALL
TO MY KNEES AND KISS YOUR TUNIC?

I TRIED.

JERRY WANTS YOU TO COME BACK. WE ALL WANT
YOU TO COME BACK. YOU'RE NOT FIRED ANYMORE.

BOB, WHY SHOULD I COME
BACK TO WORK AT A PLACE

WHERE ONE OF THE MEN
I WORK FOR HATES ME?

J... UH, JERRY, YOU, UH...

YOU DON'T HATE HER, DO YOU? NO.

AN-AND YOU WANT HER TO
COME BACK, RIGHT? YEAH.

AND YOU'RE SORRY THAT
YOU FIRED HER? RIGHT.

WHY DO I GET THE FEELING
BOB'S A VENTRILOQUIST?

LOOK, CAROL, WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO DO, BEG YOU?

THAT WOULD BE NICE.

ALL RIGHT, UM, PLEASE COME BACK.

WE, UH... WE NEED YOU,
AND WE... WE WANT YOU.

- AND? - AND, UH... [Mutters]

- WHAT?
- I'M SORRY.

- NOW, WILL YOU COME BACK?
- OH...

WELL, OKAY, I'LL COME BACK.

GOOD. BUT THERE ARE
GONNA HAVE TO BE SOME

CHANGES AROUND HERE.
OH, JERRY. WHAT CHANGES?

WELL, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET SOME POWDERED
MILK FOR THE COFFEE, FOR ONE THING.

- THAT'S NO PROBLEM,
IS IT, CAROL?
- NO.

AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO TYPE UP DECENT LETTERS.

- THAT IS CERTAINLY
REASONABLE, ISN'T IT?
- REASONABLE.

AND GET MY MESSAGES TO
ME? YOU CAN DO THAT, RIGHT?

- INDEED, YES.
- GOOD. WE'RE BACK TO
BUSINESS AS USUAL.

OH, TERRIFIC. I CAN'T WAIT TO CALL
DON AND GIVE HIM THE GOOD NEWS.

OH-OH-OH-OH! YOU SEE, THAT'S,
UH... THAT'S THE OTHER THING.

PERSONAL CALLS?
THERE WON'T BE ANY.

NOT AT ANY TIME,
AND NOT TO ANYBODY.

NOT INCOMING, OUTGOING,
NONE OF THAT STUFF.

ESPECIALLY, AND INCLUDING,
YOUR BOYFRIEND, DR. SCHOLL.

JUST A MINUTE, DR. ROBINSON.

NOW, YOU CANNOT TELL ME
NOT TO HAVE PERSONAL CALLS,

BECAUSE I AM A PERSON
AND I HAVE A LIFE.

THE ONLY WAY TO HAVE THAT LIFE IS FOR
YOU NOT TO TELL ME HOW TO LIVE THAT LIFE.

YOU JUST ABOUT FINISHED? NO. I'LL
TELL YOU THE REST AFTER I CALL DON.

DON'T FORGET TO TELL DON THAT
YOU'VE BEEN FIRED AGAIN. AGAIN?

- THAT'S RIGHT!
- WELL, GOOD!

NOW YOU CAN JUST COUGH UP
ANOTHER TWO WEEKS' SEVERANCE PAY!

AT LEAST I'M ALREADY PACKED.

OH, UH, CAROL, WOULD YOU MAKE AN
APPOINTMENT AT THE BARBER FOR ME?

BOB, I CAN'T MAKE
ANY CALLS FOR YOU,

I CAN'T MAKE ANY CALLS FOR JERRY,
I CAN'T MAKE ANY CALLS FOR MYSELF,

BECAUSE, WELL, I DON'T
WORK HERE ANYMORE.

[Elevator Bell Dings]
I'VE BEEN FIRED.

ALL RIGHT. I COULD CALL MYSELF.

I HOPE YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND. I FIRED HER,
I HIRED HER BACK, THEN I FIRED HER AGAIN.

I'VE LOST ALL PERSPECTIVE, SO WHATEVER
YOU GUYS DECIDE, IT'S OKAY WITH ME.

THE WOMAN IS A
DETRIMENT. LET'S DUMP HER.

WAIT A MINUTE, PHIL.

CAROL HAS ALWAYS
BEEN VERY NICE TO ME,

AND SHE SEEMED TO HAVE A
GENUINE INTEREST IN UROLOGY.

IN THREE YEARS, SHE NEVER
DROPPED ONE SPECIMEN.

WELL, I THINK WE ALL LIKE CAROL.
THERE'S NO ARGUMENT ABOUT THAT.

WELL, IF YOU WANT MY PROFESSIONAL
OPINION OF HER WORK, IT STINKS.

IF YOU WANT A SECOND
OPINION, HE'S RIGHT.

WELL, I'LL HAVE TO ADMIT MAYBE
LATELY SHE'S BEEN A LITTLE REMISS.

- BUT I...
- I THINK WE SHOULD CAN HER.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
- WHAT, BERNIE?

I WAS THINKING HOW NICE IT WAS WE COULD
ALL GET TOGETHER IN YOUR OFFICE, BOB.

WE HAVEN'T DONE
THIS IN A LONG TIME.

IT BOILS DOWN TO THIS... IF SHE'S
NOT DOING THE JOB, WE BOUNCE HER.

[Phone Ringing] I MEAN,
WHAT DO WE NEED HER FOR?

- [Ringing Continues]
- FOR THAT, FOR ONE REASON.

HEY, UH, BERNIE, GET THE PHONE,
WILL YA. WHY ME? LET PHIL GET IT.

I JUST SAT DOWN.

DO YOU WANT ME TO GET IT? FORGET
IT, RALPH. WE'RE HAVING A MEETING.

- JUST LET IT RING.
- LET IT RING? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WE'RE DOCTORS. LET
THE DENTIST GET IT.

NEVER MIND. I'LL GET
IT. [Ringing Continues]

COULD BE A SICK PERSON.

YOU KNOW, REALLY
THIS IS VERY EASY.

CAROL COMES LATE IN THE
MORNING, SHE LEAVES EARLY,

AND SHE KEEPS THE PHONE TIED
UP WITH HER PERSONAL CALLS.

- SO I SAY WE DUMP HER.
- I REALLY DON'T THINK
IT'S BEEN THAT BAD.

IT WAS CAROL'S HAIRDRESSER.

BALL GAME! BALL GAME!

SHE'S OUT.

WAIT. CAROL WORKS FOR ALL OF US.

I THINK ALL OF US SHOULD
DECIDE WHETHER SHE

GOES OR STAYS... NOT
JUST JERRY, NOT JUST YOU.

HE'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
THIS IS A DEMOCRACY.

NO, IT ISN'T. IT'S A
DOCTORS' OFFICE.

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT
LIFE AND DEATH HERE.

PHIL, YOU'RE A PLASTIC SURGEON.
WHAT'S LIFE AND DEATH ABOUT A NOSE JOB?

I THINK WE HAVE TO
VOTE. [Phone Ringing]

YOUR TURN TO CATCH
THE PHONE, PHIL. MY TURN?

WE'RE TAKING TURNS? OH, GOODY.

WELL, WHAT ARE WE VOTING ON?

[Ringing Continues] HEY, HOW
DO YOU WORK THIS THING?

- WAIT A MINUTE. I'LL SHOW YOU.
- I'M GONNA GO MAKE SOME COFFEE.

WELL, THE TWO OF US CAN'T
VOTE. WE'RE NOT A QUORUM.

PHONE FOR YOU, BERNIE.
OH, EXCUSE ME, BOB.

HELLO? OH.

OH, YES, MR. EVANS.
YES. WHAT? OH, NO, NO.

YOU CAN'T FOOL AROUND WITH
THAT KIND OF STUFF BY YOURSELF.

COME IN AND LET
ME TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

DO YOU DIAL EIGHT OR
NINE FOR AN OUTSIDE LINE?

WOULD IT BE OKAY IF I MADE
TEA INSTEAD OF COFFEE?

NO, I'D RATHER HAVE COFFEE. WELL,
MAKE IT YOURSELF. I'M HAVING TEA.

- ANYBODY KNOW
THE NUMBER OF THE HOSPITAL?
- [Newman] NO.

[Ringing Continues]

WHY DOESN'T THIS PHONE
STOP RINGING? [Ringing Continues]

THIS LOOKS LIKE AN ANT FARM.

CAN WE TAKE A VOTE ON THIS
THING? I'VE GOT A 2:30 FACE-SANDING.

UH, NO, SHE'S NOT HERE.

I CALL FOR A VOTE. I SECOND!

- THERE ARE ONLY FIVE OF US. WHAT
ABOUT THE OTHER SIX DOCTORS?
- THEY'LL DO WHATEVER WE SAY.

WAIT A MINUTE. TOTTEN
FILLED OUT A PROXY.

SINCE HE WENT TO THE TROUBLE OF FILLING
IT OUT, WE OUGHT TO SEE WHAT HE HAS TO SAY.

- OH, A PROXY. WHAT DOES IT SAY?
- "EITHER WAY."

OKAY, ARE WE ALL SET TO VOTE?

HOW DO WE DO THIS? I THINK
IT SHOULD BE A SECRET BALLOT.

- WHY DON'T WE
JUST RAISE OUR HANDS?
- WHAT'S SECRET ABOUT THAT?

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL PUT OUR
HEADS DOWN ON OUR DESKS.

WHY DON'T WE GET SCRAPS OF PAPER,
WRITE ON 'EM, AND THROW 'EM IN A HAT?

OKAY, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

ALL RIGHT, "YES" MEANS WE KEEP
HER AND "NO" MEANS WE DUMP HER.

WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM HERE. WHAT?

NO HAT. MAYBE WE
COULD USE A BOWL.

- I'VE GOT ONE IN MY OFFICE.
- NO, NO! NO, NO!

I-I DON'T THINK SO.

HEY, BOB, UH, GET
THAT GUY'S, UH...

UH, SIR, EXCUSE ME.

WE'RE TAKING A VOTE HERE, AND I WONDER IF
YOU'D BE KIND ENOUGH TO LEND US YOUR HAT...

TO SORT OF, YOU KNOW, VOTE INTO.

OH, VOTING, HUH?
SURE. ONLY IN AMERICA.

IT'LL JUST BE A MINUTE.

- I STILL DON'T SEE WHY WE JUST
COULDN'T RAISE OUR HANDS.
- OH, NO, THIS IS BETTER, PHIL.

I THINK A SECRET
BALLOT IS IMPORTANT.

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

"YES. BERNARD TUPPERMAN, M.D."

ALL I HAD WAS MY BUSINESS CARD.

ANOTHER "YES."

ONE "NO."

"DUMP HER."

THIS ONE DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING.

WELL, I, UH, ABSTAINED.

WHY? YOU'RE THE ONE WHO FIRED HER IN
THE FIRST PLACE. I CALL FOR ANOTHER VOTE.

I'LL JUST ABSTAIN AGAIN.

I GET THE FEELING WE'RE GONNA BE
LOCKED UP IN A HOTEL ROOM ALL NIGHT.

WE GOTTA KEEP VOTING
TILL WE BREAK THE TIE.

MAYBE I COULD HELP
YOU OUT. COULD I VOTE?

NO, NO. YOU DON'T
KNOW THE ISSUES.

THEN THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN THIS AND ANY OTHER ELECTION.

I'M AFRAID WE
COULDN'T LET YOU VOTE.

OKAY.

IF I CAN'T VOTE, I
WANT MY HAT BACK.

I DON'T KNOW. I COULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN
THROUGH THIS IF IT WEREN'T FOR DON.

HE IS JUST A PILLAR OF STRENGTH.

[Grunts] OOH! OOH!

EXCEPT FOR HIS FEET.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, CAROL.

THE THING THAT REALLY HURTS ME IS
WHAT YOU'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH.

I MEAN, I'M NOT GONNA LET THEM
DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS TO YOU AGAIN.

HEMINGWAY WOULD NEVER
LET THIS HAPPEN TO HIS GIRL.

NORMAN MAILER WOULD
NEVER LET IT HAPPEN.

TRUMAN CAPOTE WOULD
NEVER LET IT HAPPEN.

WELL, MAYBE THAT'S NOT A GOOD
EXAMPLE. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WE DO, DON, AND IT'S WONDERFUL THAT
YOU'RE STICKING UP FOR YOUR GIRL LIKE THIS.

WELL, WHAT ELSE CAN A MAN DO?

[Emily Chuckles]

I MEAN, LIFE IS... RUNS
IN A CIRCLE HERE!

IT'S LIKE A BUNCH OF HILLS,

AND WE CLIMB TO THE TOP
AND LOOK DOWN IN THE VALLEYS,

AND THAT'S IT.

I'M GONNA SOAK MY FEET.

UH, THE EPSOM SALT'S IN
THE BATHROOM, DON. PERFECT.

[Grunts]

LIFE IS A...

BUNCH OF HILLS.

HI, HONEY. OH, HI, DEAR.

OH, HI, CAROL. I'M GLAD YOU'RE
STILL HERE. I GOT SOME GREAT NEWS.

JERRY WILL BE RIGHT UP.
OH! YOU MADE MY DAY, BOB.

- WHAT FLOOR ARE WE ON?
- THE FIFTH.

- TOO HIGH.
- MM-HMM.

BUT, CAROL, EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

JERRY WANTS TO COME
OVER AND DO ONE THING...

APOLOGIZE, TELL YOU
HE'S SORRY YOU LEFT...

AND... AND WATCH
THE FOOTBALL GAME.

OH, BOB, I HOPE JERRY
MEANS IT THIS TIME, 'CAUSE

I DON'T THINK CAROL CAN
GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN.

HE DOES, EMILY. AS A MATTER OF
FACT, HE CAST THE DECIDING VOTE.

- REALLY, BOB?
- HE MADE A GREAT SPEECH ABOUT
WHAT A GREAT PERSON YOU WERE.

HE SAID WE SHOULD ALL BE MORE

UNDERSTANDING, AND HE
DEMANDED ANOTHER VOTE,

AND IT WAS ALMOST UNANIMOUS.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "ALMOST"?
- NEWMAN.

- YEAH.
- [Knocking]

OH, JERRY!

JERRY! OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

AND YOU WERE RIGHT... I WAS
HORRIBLE. I WAS A TERRIBLE SECRETARY.

IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'LL BE MUCH BETTER, I PROMISE.

IT DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSE I
CAME TO FIRE YOU AGAIN. JUST KIDDING!

SAY, EMILY, I WAS
WONDERING IF YOU HAVE A...

OH. WAIT A MINUTE.

AREN'T YOU THE GUY
THAT KEEPS FIRING MY GIRL?

I GUESS I AM. YEAH?

ARE YOU GONNA HIRE
HER BACK? I ALREADY DID.

I'M SORRY I HAD TO DO THAT.

AH, THERE THEY ARE NOW...

DRS. HARTLEY,
TUPPERMAN AND JUDAS.

- IT'S VERY NICE
TO HAVE YOU BACK, CAROL.
- THANK YOU.

OH, BOB.

HERE. LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU.

OH. GOOD. [Phone Ringing]

AND I'LL GET THAT FOR YOU. I
THINK I KNOW HOW THIS WORKS NOW.

HELLO?

OH, HI... HI, DON.

IT'S GOOD HEARING
YOUR VOICE TOO.

LI... LIFE... LIFE IS LIKE
A MERRY-GO-ROUND?

WH-WH-WHY IS THAT, DON?

THEY BOTH HAVE HORSES.

[No Audible Dialogue]

[Mews]