The Big C (2010–2013): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Little c - full transcript

♪ It's so hard ♪

♪ to turn your life over ♪

♪ step out ♪

♪ of your comfort zone ♪

♪ is this
some kind of a joke? ♪

♪ will someone
wake me up soon? ♪

♪ and tell me this was just
a game we play ♪

♪ called life ♪

You're good.

I'm Mrs. Jamison,

by the way.



Yeah, I know.

Everybody knows.

I'm Greta.

Well...

Thanks for kicking
my butt, Greta.

It's been a while since I
worked up a sweat in a pool.

I'm on the swim team.
I practice a lot.

Beats sitting on my butt,

waiting around for the new coach.

What happened to Mr. Gibson?

He quit 'cause his wife's job
got relocated to Des Moines.

We're totally screwed.

Probably wasting my time trying
to keep up with practice.

Team's going to majorly suck by
the time they get somebody.



It's very kind of you to
offer, but we'll find somebody.

I'm not offering.
I'm applying.

Coaching the swim team
is a tough job.

Getting up for practice at
dawn, freezing your ass off.

Traveling to those
out of town meets.

Are you sure you
can handle that...

With everything you've
got going on?

Oh, I can handle it.

I was captain of the swim
team in high school.

I even got a nickname.

"The Tolke Torpedo."

I was kind of a big deal.

Kathy, we've been state champs
for the past two years.

There'd be an awful lot of
high expectations put on you.

Keep looking for another coach
if you think you can find one.

Until then, let me get
them back in the race.

If you need my resume,
here it is:

I swam for the University of
Minnesota for four years.

I had the team's best
time in the 400 I.M.

And I throw a kick-ass
victory party.

Well, we'll give it a shot.

Great!

I don't get this.

I don't know why I banished my
old swimsuits to the basement.

Mom, you're the coach.

Okay, no one wants to
see you in a bikini.

You never know when I might
have to get in the water.

It wouldn't hurt to have a
few extra swimsuit options.

I cannot wait till I can
wear a bikini again.

I want to go to Cabo
after the baby's born.

You're not going anywhere
after the baby's born.

You're barely going to sleep.

Oh, my God, you have to add
this one to your coach wardrobe.

It's cute, but in that bad-ass
mofo kind of way.

Thank you, Mia.

- Nice medals, mom.
- Yeah.

It's so cool that
you were a jock.

Hey, why aren't you
on the swim team?

You would look cute in a speedo.

They are totally doing it.

Look at them.
Smell them.

They even smell like teen sex.

That is gross.

And I would know
if something was going on.

Mia and I have actually
become pretty close,

and I'm not picking up on the
sex vibe from either of them.

Thank God.

My intuition begs to differ.

Mom's have instincts
about these things.

You're not a mother yet.

When your baby is
outside of your body,

then you can come talk to me.

Hey!

- That's a nice color on you.
- Thanks.

Maybe I should have
changed jobs sooner.

Thank you for the snack, Cathy.

Bye-bye, guys.

- See ya.
- Bye.

They're are doing it every day.

Jeez, dad, can't you just

change before you leave
work or something,

before the entire world
sees you dressed like that?

Hey!

Your father works
incredibly hard.

Maybe even as hard as you're
working that attitude.

Grow up!

That's great.

Just when this crappy job
couldn't get any worse,

now my son is ashamed of me.

Ha-ha.

What are those bathing suits for?

I'm coaching the swim team.

Coaching?

Seriously?

That's crazy.

Honey, you need to
conserve your strength.

I want to use my strength to
do things that make me happy.

Like swimming.

And besides,

this job pays an extra $5,000.

Wow!

That's like two scans

and a Mountain Dew
in the waiting room.

What is this?

This is where our
little bundle of joy,

slash anxiety,

is going to come into the world.

I'm just uh...checking for leaks.

I thought we agreed I was
giving birth in a hospital.

A hospital yes.

Trapped on a gurney, and
whacked out on painkillers, no.

I checked,

and we're allowed to bring
in our own birthing pool.

Tell me you're not serious.

Let's, uh...
Let's give it a try, okay?

Now?

Ooh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.
Water's nice.

Come on in.

You're crazy.

Whoa!

See, doesn't that feel nice?

Just the way nature intended.

Are you going to get
in the pool with me?

Sure, if you need me to.

Might even bring my swim noodle.

Everything looks better in 3-D, you know.

It's like music, sports.

Uh!
Now that Lord of the Dance

has been released in 3-D,

tap dancing, seriously.

I have seen it.
It is awesome.

It's like, it's like
you're getting an Irish

lap dance or something.

It's unbelievable.

Thanks.
We're gonna shop around.

Oh.
All right, man.

Thanks for coming in.

- Hey, buddy.
- Oh, hey Owen.

How you doin'?

Don't beat yourself up about
losing that sale.

They were tough.

You'll get the hang of it...

When you've been
here a little while.

Just finding my sea legs, boss.

That's cool.

Mikhail, what's up?

Mykailo.

- Owen?
- What do you need, dude?

I wanted to see if I could
switch this Saturday's shift

for something during the week.

Dude, I spent, like, hours
doing the schedule.

You start pulling threads,
it's gonna totally screw us up.

Okay, okay.

I'll be here.

He's a big pain in the ass for
such a little turd, isn't he?

Yeah, could be worse though.

I could be home in Ukraine.

Huh.
It's that bad in the Ukraine?

Ah, Ukraine is fine.
I miss my family but

opportunity-wise,
America kicks ass.

Right on.

Most people, working in
shipping and receiving,

they're bitching 24-7.

I think the fact that you
see it as an opportunity,

that is awesome, fella.

Yeah, an opportunity
to get the fuck out

of shipping and receiving.

Wow!

Girls, gather round.

First off I just want to
say how excited I am

about this year.

And I've made some preliminary
assignments based on your times

from last year.

Pass these around.

So...everybody in the pool.

If you can walk and talk at the
same time when you're done,

you are not working hard enough.

So give me six 100s.

75 swim, 25 kick.

Come on, stretch it out,
stretch it out.

Keep you elbows up, Greta.
And relax your hands.

Keep your elbows up, honey.
You're doing great.

You must be Greta's dad.

Les Johnson.
Nice to meet you.

You know, it's great that you're
supporting your daughter,

but being her coach
is kind of my job.

Sorry, coach, didn't
mean to helicopter.

Just here to help.

I know.
Me too.

The crazy thing is too much help
can feel a lot like

- too much pressure.
- Greta can handle it.

By the way, the old coach

used to have them warm up
with drills.

Keeps their technique sharp
for the whole workout.

I know what I'm doing.

Guess we'll find out.

Maybe it would be best if you
wait in the parking lot.

Excuse me?

Actually, if all the parents
could please wait for your kids

in your cars.

Don't worry.
I have things covered here.

Thanks.

Oh, hey.
I need a favor.

I can't tell whether these meds
I'm on are working or making me

crazier than a shithouse rat.

Why?
What's going on?

Well, I keep having these
thoughts, and I just need

to say them out loud
to somebody rational.

What are you...

Are you rubbing your vagina on
the coffee table?

No.

Jeez, Sean.
What do you want?

This whole childbirth thing
is really doing a number

on my psyche.

I saw a raccoon family drinking
out of our birthing pool

in the backyard last night.

They are mean fuckers, but
they're definitely a family.

FYI, they do not like having
brooms waved in their faces.

Anyway, I realized I haven't
been close to my family

like this in a long time.

Like raccoon close.

And I just thought wouldn't be
awesome if Rebecca and our baby

- could feel that connection too.
- Sean...

What're you talking about?

I'm thinking of
proposing to Rebecca.

Oh, Sean.

I think that is...

terrific.

- Oh.
- And responsible.

And incredibly sane.

- Yo!
- Hi!

Why are you wearing two shirts?

My cover shirt.
So my son doesn't shun me

when I get home from work.

He'll get used to your job.

I don't want him to
get used to it.

I want him to respect me.

You know, like this Ukrainian
kid at work, Myk.

To him, I'm just a regular guy.

And we shoot the shit and stuff.
But you know...

He comes to me for advice.

You know, it's nice to be
appreciated

even if it's not by my own son.

What's goin' on down there?

I've been itching the
last couple of hours

but a lot.

I think I'm getting a rash.

And why are you smiling?

Is it 'cause it's
in sort of a fun area?

No, because the...nurses...
at the clinic, they said that

itching and rashes that
they're...they're

side effects of my immune system
responding to the treatment.

So then the itching's
a good thing.

Wow!

You know something?

I think I'm having
some sympathy itching.

Becoming a sales associate here

would be an awesome opportunity.

I know everything about
electronics because I practiced

English reading the
instruction manuals.

Why should I give the job to a
refugee instead of an American?

I am not a refugee, you ass-wipe!

That's what I'm talking about.

Look, Owen's going to be lobbing
you all kinds of crazy,

but you gotta keep your cool.

Treats me like a came to this
country in a fucking innertube.

Look, one day you're going to be
in a position to fire guys

like Owen.

Until then, you got to work
within the system, man.

You've just got to tell yourself,

"I'm a valuable member of this
staff, and I deserve respect."

I'm not doing that.

Oh. Sorry.

I'm seeing a lot of
bubbles, ladies.

It's like you're swimming
in tonic water.

Greta, honey,

you're overreaching on the catch.

Tracy, what is going--

How many times are we gonna
have to talk about that?

Mr. Johnson.

If you think you can do
this better than me,

prove it.

I'll race you.

Right here, right now.

And the loser has to shut up.

And by the way,

your daughter cut almost three
seconds off her time.

This is my job, not yours.

And this area is
for swimmers only.

So get in the pool, or get out.

♪ Ladies first ♪

♪ throw your hands up ♪

♪ it's party time ♪

♪ all the girls, the girls
are about to shine ♪

♪ ladies, stand up ♪

♪ 'cause it won't be long ♪

♪ and you're looking so good
and the party's on ♪

♪ 'cause the beat don't stop,
you're on top of the world ♪

This is the most black people

I have ever seen at
one time in Minnesota.

- Hey!
- Oh, hey!

I need your employee discount.

My crappy cell phone died.

You sure it's not
just the battery?

You want me to take a look
at it when I get home?

Oh, you are Paul's wife.

Hell no!
He's my daddy.

Can't you tell by the
family resemblance?

Myk, this is Andrea.

Andrea's just living
with us for a while.

Hey, Myk.

I threw my old phone out.
I need to upgrade.

Oh, I can show you some phones.

Do you mind, Paul?

Be my guest.
Hey!

Your first customer.

I don't want to hear about
any cheap-ass flip phones.

I'm a busy girl with a
lot of shit to organize.

You can take me straight
to the smart phones.

Okay.

The right phone depends
on the features you need.

- You like music?
- Is a pig pork?

I like music too.

So we have some cool
phones for music fans.

Lots of memory,
easy to navigate--

You sound like you escaped
from a James Bond movie.

Are you Russian?

From Ukraine...with love.

I'm a huge James Bond fan.
I've seen all the films.

No shit!
Me too.

He's pretty fine
for a white dude,

but they need to make
the next Bond black.

And then you could
be his Pussy Galore.

Maybe I could be
in the movie too.

Hey.
Is this what you need?

Couldn't find the Phillips head
in my dad's toolbox.

I should send this monstrosity
back to the factory.

But Rebecca says we
need a baby bouncer.

Apparently knees
are out of fashion.

Hey...

Why are you scratch-turbating?

It feels like my dick is on fire.

Must be a sex thing.

All right.

All right.
Drop trou.

I should have known that
hooker you brought home

would leave you a parting gift.

Do it!

Holy shit!

You're crawling with crabs.

God!

How do I get them off?

They're fucking everywhere.

I'm surprised you have
any penis left.

You gotta get out of here
right now dude.

One stiff breeze, you could
infest this entire house.

Don't tell my parents.

Sweet Jesus, Cathy was
grinding a table this morning.

You must have given them to her.

Adam, you gotta tell your
parents right now.

If you don't say
something, I will.

- Okay.
- Go!

This is a fucking
public health crisis!

What's goin on, bud?

Is it your algebra te--
Oh, damn it!

Adam, is it your algebra test?

No, mom.

Is it drugs?

Oh, God, that's what
it is, isn't it?

No.
It's not drugs.

You're gay.

Buddy,

if you're queer, we're here.

And we'll get used to it.

I'm not gay.

Okay, stop guessing.

Well then tell us what it is.

I have crabs!
And so do you guys.

And you probably got it from me.

Crabs?

Wait, you're having sex?

No!

No!

You're too young.

How did we get crabs from you?

I had sex in your...

in your bed.

- Oh! Oh!
- What?

Excuse me?

And I actually thought the
treatment was working.

God damn it!

Wait, I don't get it.

It's a shampoo, Mia.

To get rid of crabs.

I trusted you.

And what's worse is
Adam trusted you.

And you have hurt him
by sleeping around.

And now you have given him
and our entire family crabs.

And I know that it might sound
selfish, but I need to be

as healthy as I can
during a clinical trial.

Do you understand?

Adam and I haven't had sex.

Oh, Jesus--

I'm done with that asshole!

No! No! No!

Do not break up with him.
I am the asshole.

Not Adam.

You are a terrific girl.

And I know Adam
really cares about you.

So just promise me
you'll think about it.

Don't do anything rash.

And I use that term loosely.

I can't find my favorite sweater.

And I just hope it isn't in
here, getting infested.

Otherwise, my dry-cleaning
bill is going to be huge.

You must be so skeeved out.

Crabs!

On all of your stuff.

You've had hundreds of
parasites living on your vag.

I can't even imagine.

Have you forgotten sophomore
year and your semester

of syphilis?

That was in college.

And I got them from my
boyfriend, not my son.

Granted, it's not
Adam's finest hour.

Do you think you held him
enough when he was a baby?

- What?
- All the parenting books say

a mother's touch is a vital part
of a child's development.

No offense, Rebecca,

but I don't need a book to
tell me how to raise my son.

It isn't cheating to
ask for help, Cathy.

From a book, from a friend.

I was right about
Adam having sex,

- wasn't I?
- You were half right.

And now thanks to you,
I accused Mia of being a slut,

and now I've made
everything worse.

I'm just trying to help.

Parenting is not about
guessing when your kid

is having sex.

It's about communicating
before sex happens.

Yeah, how's that working
out for you?

Here!
Here's your sweater.

Great!

Thank you.

Hey.
Uh, sorry I'm late.

But, uh, we still got an
hour till movie starts.

So you ready to go?

I don't know.

Is there anything you
want to tell me first?

Not really.

There's nothing new
going on with you?

No, no. Just
the same old crap.

Your mom told
me about your crabs.

Yeah, so whoever you
are sleeping with,

I hope that she knows
what a pig you are.

And I don't ever
want to see you again.

What?
No, wait!

Wait.

Okay, I didn't mean to do it.
She basically attacked me.

Come on!

I can't believe you would dump
me when my mom is so sick.

Hey, honey.

Paul, you shouldn't
come home for lunch.

You just end up
inhaling your food

and then racing
out the door again.

You'll get heartburn.

But it is so worth it

for the 45 minutes of freedom.

What the fuck did you do, mom?

Excuse me?

Why did you tell Mia I had crabs?

You just fucked everything
up between me and her.

Hey!
You watch your mouth!

You want to talk about this,
then let's talk about this.

But don't you dare
yell at me like that.

I'm your mother.
You are 15 years old.

And you haven't been
honest with us.

Who are you sleeping
with other than Mia?

Jesus!
Mom, you don't need to know

every detail of my life.

Okay.
Then how bout just the detail

that involves giving
the entire family VD.

Okay, fine.
I had sex with a fucking hooker.

What did you say?

I don't know how to
parent you anymore.

I've tried micromanaging you.

I've tried
the laissez-faire approach.

So why don't you tell me
what you want me to do?

How about you just stop
fucking with my life?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Why don't you
stop fucking with our lives?

Oh, and stop fucking.

You brought a disease
into our home

that now we're all forced
to deal with.

Yeah, well now you know
how it feels.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, Owen.

Few minutes late, huh?

No worries, it's cool.

Thanks, man.

Hey, uh, Owen look.

Myk is really interested
in interviewing

for that job on the sales floor.

Any chance he can chat
with you about that?

Yeah, he's been bugging me
about that for weeks.

It's so fucking annoying.

There's, like, ten different
accents in this store.

Meanwhile, my brother's been
out of work for two years.

Can't get his foot
in the door anywhere.

Fucking retarded, right?

Hey, watch it.

My grandfather had an accent.
I mean, a brogue actually.

But, uh, everybody's from
somewhere, right Owen?

I mean, it's a good thing.

A hundred years ago maybe.

Before everybody decided
to fuck America over.

Can you imagine him
with customers?

"Hello, my name is Mikhail.

Can I please to help
you please?"

Listen, you fucking
little weasel.

Calm down, Paul.
Shit.

You think you're hot shit
'cause your name tag says

assistant manager.

You listen carefully to what
I'm about to say to you.

This is a shit job.
And you're an asshole.

Stop yelling at me.

The way you talk to Myk is not
only wrong, it's illegal.

This is the United States of America.

You want to keep
your little name tag,

you get with the program,
fucking quick!

You peed in your pants, man?

That's awesome.

Thank you.
I got the promotion.

Way to go, Myk!

Hey!

Wow, fancy vodka.
Is that, like,

real gold flakes in the bottle?

That is so cool!

That's for your
daughter Andrea too.

And thanks to her, man, I was
already an experienced salesman

when I talked to Owen.

Can I ask you
something about her?

Shoot.

Would it be okay if
I ask her out?

Go ahead.

Ask me.

Andrea, would you like--

I'm just gonna tell you straight up.

If you're a chubby chaser,
you're shit out of luck

'cause I don't do nothing freaky
with my fat.

Now I don't see myself as skinny,

but I do see myself as a lady.

So you best come correct.

Is that American for "Yes?"

So why are you guys
out of your cars?

Oh, hi, Cathy.
Practice has been canceled

until we can figure out
this coaching situation.

It's come to our attention that
you have a little problem

with your private area.

- What?
- I know it's embarrassing.

But it's hard to hide
something like this

in the age of Facebook.

I don't have crabs.
I had crabs.

You're trying to get me
fired because of that?

No, no.

We're simply asking
you to step aside.

We really appreciate
you filling in as coach.

No, I am the coach.

You exposed these kids

to a potential health risk by
getting in that pool.

On top of the other disease.

- Excuse me?
- Let's face it.

Nobody's talking about the
elephant in the room.

The fact is you have cancer.

How are you gonna coach when
you're in and out of hospitals?

I mean who knows what
else is going

to go wrong with you this year?

We're concerned about the
future of the team.

And you, of course.

Is this about my crabs
or my cancer?

This is about my daughter
getting a swimming scholarship

to pay for college.

This job may make you feel
good, but we're talking about

Greta's future here.

If this is how you feel,

why did you hire me
in the first place?

Everybody's afraid to say no
to the lady with cancer.

Wow!

Congratulations to me,
I got my first pity job.

Now, I'd tell you to take
your pity and shove it,

but you know what...

I don't care.

I mean, if this is why I got the
job, screw it, I'll take it.

Because I love my job.

You may have hired me
for the wrong reasons,

but if you try and fire
the lady with cancer,

you better hire
a damn good lawyer.

- What a bitch!
- Yeah, I am a bitch!

I'm a tough, brave bitch.

And if you let me, I will turn

all of these girls
into tough brave bitches too.

Who could go all the
way to the championship.

Now if you don't mind,

I'm going to take my team,
whoever's still on it,

out for a run.