The Big C (2010–2013): Season 2, Episode 7 - Goldilocks and the Bears - full transcript

- ♪ It's so hard ♪

♪ to turn your life over ♪

♪ step out ♪

♪ of your comfort zone. ♪

♪ Is this some kind
of a joke? ♪

♪ Will someone
wake me up soon ♪

♪ and tell me this was just
a game we play ♪

♪ called life? ♪

- Shortness of breath?
- No.

- Muscle cramping?
- No.

- Um, night sweats?
- Nope.



Rash, particularly around
the back, neck, or buttocks?

- No butt rash.
- Excuse me.

Could you use soap and water?

That toxic concoction
you're slathering on

is creating a whole new breed
of super bug.

Sir, I need for you to be quiet

or be somewhere else.

Sean.

Flaking off or complete loss
of finger or toenails?

- Nope.
- Okay.

Um, so you have no side
effects from the drugs.

Is that good?
I guess that's good.

I don't think so.

I think it means that my
body's resisting the drugs.



If my nails aren't
falling out,

then it's not eating
my cancer.

Hmm.

Huh?

Care to elaborate on that?

Is that medical jargon
for "great,"

or is that as scary
as it sounds?

Your blood pressure is high.

Wait, let me see the
numbers. I don't trust--

Sean, you are
making me nervous.

You might be the reason
my blood pressure's up.

It's been climbing
your last two visits.

Dr. Sherman will take a look.

He might want to put you on
some blood pressure medication.

That's not necessary.

It's white coat syndrome.

All the tolkes have it.

We see a white coat,

our vital statistics go
through the fucking roof.

You know, we recommend
patients bring a friend

with them to treatment
to help them stay calm.

He may not be it.

Let me check her pressure, okay?

Don't touch the cuff.

You can talk to Dr. Sherman
about it next week.

In the meantime, try to relax.

And how exactly do you do
that when you're terminally ill?

Let's get out of here.

You know what,
you should try acupuncture

to get your blood pressure down.

I know an amazing guy
who used to bring

his needles to the park
and work on everybody.

Two blind guys got
a little bit of sight back.

- I kid you not.
- No, it's okay.

If I have to take a pill for it,
that's not the worst thing.

Ahh, hiya.

I would tear off my right arm

to have a look on my
face like that

when I come out
of an exam room.

That filipino nurse
always cracks me up.

Something wrong?

My blood pressure's too high.

They might have to put
me on medication.

No, no, don't let them put you
on blood pressure meds.

We can get that down for you.

Let me take you
to my acupuncturist.

That's what I just said.

Lee, this is my brother Sean.

That is what he just said.

You really think acupuncture
can help?

What, now you're interested
'cause it's his idea?

I'm curious.

You weren't curious when
I just told you about my guy.

- Your guy's homeless.
- He's not homeless.

He works on the homeless.

Do you just tune me out?

I wish I could. Keep
your voice down.

Ahem, my woman specializes
in cancer patients.

Um, you're annoying.

Well, I guess it wouldn't
hurt to find out.

I hope it doesn't hurt.

I like the idea of seeing
a woman for a change.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know what? Whatever.

I got to get
out of here anyway.

My white coat syndrome's
overriding my beta blockers.

Um, hey, Doc, I just want
you to ask yourself

over and over today,
"am I helping...

or am I hurting?"

- Huh.
- I'm sorry.

My family is blunt,
tense,

and can't relax for shit.

Well, let's see what we
can do about that.

Does that hurt?

No, sorry.

It's just a reflex.

I'm not used to having sharp
objects pierced into my face.

Just relax.

Let your "chee" get
its groove on.

My "cheese"?

"Chee."

It's your vital energy.

The needles unblock it,
help it flow.

- Right.
- Knock-knock.

- Just checking on the patient.
- Mmm.

Am I interrupting
a deep moment?

Well, I'm not floating yet.

- Well, give it time.
- How much?

Well, I'm here twice a
week myself.

It's basically a really
expensive nap,

but I feel an amazing sense
of calm afterwards.

- I don't feel anything.
- I do.

Your pulse slowed down when your
husband came in the room.

We're not married.

No, she's missing the one
thing I look for in a husband.

Well, regardless,

there is something special
going on between you two.

There's a medical term for it.

Anastomosis.

Hmm, great. Now I
have something else.

It's when two streams that
previously branched out,

like blood vessels,
reconnect.

Or in your case,
two people.

Sometimes, one person
can actually affect

the other's breathing
or heart rate.

Symbiosis.
Soul mates.

- Hmm.
- We're not soul mates.

We hardly know each other.

Well, your pulse begs to differ.

Uh, rest here
while I mix up some herbs

for you to make
a tea with at home.

Hmm.

How do you feel?

Stuck.

In your life?

- In my face.
- Hmm.

Here.

Oh, thank you.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

That was my first.

Now it's got friends.

Ooh.

A Met-1.

Just a little mole
I thought was nothing.

Hmm, I know the feeling.

So we're not soul mates.

We're mole mates.

"Mole mates."

You still on hold?

Yeah.

It's an insurance company
tactic

to discourage the little
guy, you know?

But I say screw 'em.

I will listen
to this endless loop

of Neil Diamond songs
till somebody picks up.

- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.

- Do you think Andrea would
let me kiss her

on our first date?

I don't know, man.

I mean, what kind of signal's
she sending out?

Well, what's the signal
for "yes"?

You gotta learn the body
language, you know?

I mean, once, Andrea
and I were sitting

on the couch,
you know, watching TV,

and I asked her for the remote.

And she just scowled at me.

Oh, okay,
what does that mean?

Well, I think it means,
you know,

"shut the fuck up
or I'll cut you."

Oh.

But that's the point, buddy.

It's like every
woman's different.

And until you figure 'em
out, you know,

you just don't ask
for the remote, right?

Oh! Shit. I got to go.

Wait. Hey.

Daisy! It's Paul
Jamison... Again.

Yes, I am calling about
my wife's claim...Again.

You're still sending
us a bill--

Excuse me, could
I get some help?

One second.

Daisy, I got to call you back
in 15 minutes.

How can I help you?

- Nick!
- Paul.

What are you doing?

Great to see you.

- How are you?
- Great, great.

Everyone in the office
misses you.

Thank you.

So you work here?

- What?
- You work here?

Yes, yeah.

Uh, temporarily,
you know?

Benefits. It's all
about the benefits.

Really good for... for Cathy.

Right, right, right.
How is she doing?

Fantastic. Really fantastic.

Doing this new clinical trial,
you know,

getting all these, um,
cutting edge drugs

and stuff like that,
so it's really great.

How's your sweetie?

- Andy's good.
- Good.

- Yeah, yeah.
- That's great.

It's great you
got something.

It's a tough job market
out there.

Yeah.

So how... how does it
work here?

Do you get a commission?

Yep.

Commission and,
uh, you know,

a nice employee discount...

That I'm happy
to pass along to you.

Oh, no, Paul.
Come on, don't worry.

I want to get this
for Andy's birthday.

And I am paying full price.

I insist.

Okay.

Um, let me see.

You know, that's weird.

We got a bunch of these
Bravias in this morning.

They must be messing
with the stock.

Oh, fuck!

- Oh, God.
- Paul, are you okay?

Yep, perfect. I'm good.

Eh, it needs to boil
down some more.

God, I hope it tastes
better than it smells.

Well, yeah, not really.

But things could be worse

than making stinky tea
with your soul mate.

Yeah, I hate that term...
"Soul mate."

Not only is it a cliche,

but it's the reason
millions of women

are unhappy and single.

And they sit at home,

they watch dumb
romantic comedies,

and then they think,
"one day,

"one day, the perfect man for me
is gonna show up

"and he's gonna whisk me
off my feet,

and then every day it's gonna
be a ride on a magic carousel."

Well, I think someone
is a little defensive.

No, I'm not defensive.

It's just that relationships

are a lot more complicated
than that.

Okay, so you and Paul,
you aren't soul mates?

No, because they don't exist.

Well, I don't know.

I think that you can have
special connections

with a bunch of people
that you can't explain.

I don't think that you have to
be married to your soul mate.

I think that you can
have one on the side.

What the hell is he doing here?

Only acceptable answer is
you hit him with your car

and dragged him home
on your bumper.

His name is Lee, Paul,
and we like him now.

Oh, no. Did you hurt
your back again?

Yeah, wrenched it
lifting a TV.

Oh, wow. Do you do
that competitively?

She may like you,
but I'm still undecided.

Jesus, smells like the inside
of a bellybutton in here.

Lee took me to
his acupuncturist.

They gave me this horrible tea.

It's supposed to be good
for high blood pressure.

Wait, you have high
blood pressure now?

When were you gonna
tell me about that?

I just found out
three hours ago.

Oh, so you guys go
to acupuncture together?

You're like best friends
now or something?

Calm down. Don't be jealous.

- He's gay.
- Oh.

100%.

- Good, good for you.
- Thanks.

And if anybody
should be jealous,

it should be Cathy.

You're actually my type, Paul.

Well, I'm glad this didn't
just get awkward.

Uh-huh. I'm into Bears.

I like my men big and hairy.

No shit?

Mmm, fortunately for me,
there's a Bear bar

just down the street from me.

I can get my fill.
I'm going there tonight.

Ice cold $2 beers
all night long.

Well, can anyone get in
on that discount

or is it just a gay thing?

Why? You want to come?

I do.

No, I want to see
the Bear world.

You just gonna go off to
Bear world and leave me?

Well, come with us.
It'll be an adventure.

Oh, you will be very popular.

Does that make you
uncomfortable?

No, yes, I don't know.

Oh, come on, Paul. It'll be fun.

$2 beers? As many as I want?

Well, that's how
it starts, Paul.

Come for the beer,
you stay for the queer.

See you at my place.

We'll walk over, say, 8:00.

Sounds good?
Cathy, Paul.

Can't wait... Mole mate.

Oh!

- What should I wear?
- Who cares?

Nobody will be looking at you.

But you,
go flannel.

- Mole mate?
- Yeah.

It's a little joke we have.

Wow.

Paul and I are going
to a bear bar.

I bet you don't even
know what that is.

I don't know why you
think it would be fun

to go hang out with a
bunch of hairy gay guys,

but whatever floats
your boat, Mrs. J.

That is a... It's a very
interesting hairstyle.

It's... it's... Well, it's
very symmetrical.

You like it? It's balled
"Bat-shit Crazy."

Kidding.

Okay, I'm going out
with Myk tonight

and I just can't decide
which one works better.

Okay,
sweet and schoolgirl...

or straight up hoochie mama?

Which do you like?

That's a tough call.

No, I think it's always
best to start with sweet

and save hoochie for dessert.

Okay, is it "hoochie"
or is it just "fun"?

What's this all about?

I just can't decide
who to be.

Be yourself.

I don't know who that is!

And I don't know if I'll get,
like, really nervous

and he'll my hands shake
or I'll run out of stuff to say.

It's just a date.

You're gonna have a lot of 'em.

So remember,
everybody has a story,

and when in doubt,
just be interested in his.

If it works, great.

If it doesn't,
screw him.

Okay, "screw him."

I'll play that
as my subtext

and I just might
get through this.

Well, then I'd definitely...
I'd go with the curls.

Dude, I played my hand,
like, an hour ago.

Play your cards already.

I want to win my
five bucks back.

Are you two gambling?

No, mom, we're
playing online poker.

It's not a big deal.

Do I need to remind you
that you are grounded

for a lot of other
illicit activities?

You want to add
gambling to the list?

Okay, fine. Okay,
we'll play for Cheetos.

And what's up with your hair?

Are you going in costume
on your date or something?

Let me guess.
The bride of Frankenstein.

Oh, Adam, come on.

You know, don't be
jealous just because

I have a love life and you
pissed all over yours.

Jeez, I just want you
to play your hand.

Why did you start the game
if you're not gonna finish it?

You started it.
I don't even like poker.

Just get to of my
room, butt-face.

I'm not even in your room.

Why'd you even have him?

Was that a big discussion?

Look at these guys.

It's like I've been cloned.

It's me times 100.

Look, here's me making out
with myself.

It's a beautiful sight.

Maybe I should grow a beard.

No, I've seen that beard.
You shouldn't.

I mean, who would
have guessed

when I woke up this morning
that I would end up here

at a Bear bar with my wife
and her friend

with his very particular
aesthetic requirements.

Lee...

I might be imaging things,

but is that husky
guy over there

making eyes at my husband?

Where?

Incoming.

Hey, man.

Did you see that?

I'm fucking man meat.

I love this place.

I think you've created
a monster.

I'm gonna go get some nuts,

So try and keep it
in your pants.

Do you know what?

You are a little bit hard
to figure out,

but you're fun.

- Ha.
- Complicated but fun.

And I want to thank you
for being Cathy's cancer friend.

And her regular friend too.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Sick people need
sick friends.

Well, at least you're making
life a little more bearable.

No pun intended.

Okay, so just looking ahead...

Is there, like, a lady bears'
room in this place?

I mean, I can't imagine
that a bar with all men

is gonna have someplace
I'm gonna want to rest my ass.

That is a really
good question.

I think that you are
on your own with that one.

- Huh.
- Um...

You guys are great company,

but I will never
forgive myself

if I don't meet that panda
bear before I leave.

You got get him.

That is... that's incredible.

He's gonna go have some
kind of sex with that guy.

Yeah, looks that way.

Yeah, but where?

Do they have a special
room or section?

I mean, call me romantic,
but I'd need a bed.

At least a clean sheet.

Yeah, but it's kind of great.

I mean, they just come here
and then hook up, you know?

Yeah, and then fuck
all they like.

It's kind of sexy.

Hey...

Kiss me.

Get your own bar.

Dude, I don't know
what's up with her.

She said she's sick
or something.

Really? So she's not
coming down?

Who knows with her?

You know, she kind of
changes her mind a lot,

so I'll tell her you
came by though.

Andrea!

Uh, Myk's here.

Wow.

Sorry I'm late.

No, no problem.
You ready?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

Take care, man.

I'll deal with you
when I get home.

Prepare yourself.

Don't choke on a meatball.

Hey, I brought some juice
over for your mom.

It's a blend of 15 edible
wild grasses.

It's like the healthiest thing
you could ever drink.

- Okay.
- What's up?

What's wrong?
Polly got your pecker?

What?

Something's up. Spill.

Maybe I could make it better
or I could make it worse,

But we won't know until
you start talking.

Mia de-friended me.

Well, what did you
expect, Adam?

You shit where you lay.

That's not making
me feel better.

It's not supposed to.

Look, it stings now,
but you just got to try

to learn something from this
and do better with the next girl.

I don't want the next girl.

I want her back.

Well, of course you do,

Because you think you'll
never find somebody

like her again
and you ruined it.

And now you're doomed to
think she's the only one for you,

until someone else
convinces you otherwise

or you just lower your bar.

But just try not to confuse
how great she was

with the fact
that she got away.

And... and don't treat
everyone else like crap

trying to make yourself
feel better.

I caught that "meatball"
line to Andrea.

I'm talking on a pretty
advanced level here.

Am I helping you
or am I hurting?

You want to play portal 2?

Oh, yes! Let me put this away.

Sweet.

Okay, so a Grizzly Adams
is a big guy

who likes bears
but isn't a bear,

and a bear trapper
is a guy who likes bears

but is too small
to be a bear?

You are almost
an honorary bear

for remembering all that.

Okay, so what do you call
a bear who likes women?

That'd be a dyke.

I'm a dyke with awesome
new friends!

Next round's on me.

Oh.

Oh, shit!

- Oh, god.
- Jesus, Paul.

- What'd you do to yourself?
- Oh, god, honey.

I just went to work.
That's all I did.

Oh, this is very
embarrassing now.

Excuse me.

I've been watching
you all evening.

Do you mind if
I give you a hug?

Oh, kind sir, I think you
have the wrong idea.

This lovely lady's my wife.

No! Oh, God!

Oh!

Is it in?

Oh!

You're gonna have back
problems till you stop slumping.

Own your height.
Engage your core.

Thank you.

I'm healed!

It's a miracle.

What do you call a bear
who can do that?

A chiropractor.

Hey, Mr. Smiley.
What's up?

- Oh, I think my back has
a boyfriend and it's in love.

So how was that...

Wherever you were
with whoever that was?

Oh, let's just say that
I am a fan of panda bear.

Then why'd you throw
his number away?

Not soul mate material.

What?

You're looking at me like I have
a chunk of food in my teeth.

Oh, no.

Your teeth are very
nice and white and big.

Thanks.

Just so you know,
I am the kind of woman

you can be straight up
with and say,

"get that damn spinach
out of your grill, girl."

- Understand?
- Mm-hmm.

Dude, I need you
to turn your eyes down.

You have to stop looking
at me and say something.

- It's freaky.
- I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm staring at you

because I couldn't believe
all this--

The restaurant, the food,

you sitting there eating
your steak were real.

It's like a dream.

A... a good dream?

The best.

Andrea, I have such big dreams.

I want the big job.

I want the big car.

I want the big house.

I want everything supersized.

Then you asked the
right girl out to dinner.

I have big dreams too.

After I graduate, I'm
going to fashion school.

Oh.

Somebody's got to make sexy
clothes for girls like me.

I made this.

- Seriously?
- Uh-huh.

That is a hot dress.

Thank you.

Jesus. What now?

You have some damn
salad in your grill, girl.

Oh, God.

Hey, you.

I just wanted to tell you
tonight was really fun.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Paul is all up in his
maleness now.

Oh, I hear water
and an echo.

Please tell me that
you're not on the toilet.

I'm taking a bath.

Oh.

I thought today was
a day that needed

a bath at the end of it.

And you take baths.
I love that.

It's a dying art.

The bath is my favorite place
to meditate.

I'm surprised your place is
big enough to have a bath.

Put me on speaker.

- Why?
- Just do me a favor.

For the next five minutes,

try not to ask any questions.

Okay.

Close your eyes.

What are you doing?

Okay, sorry.

I withdraw the question.

I am closing... My eyes.

Breathe with me.

All right,
just follow my breath.

You inhale...

You exhale.

Inhale...

Exhale.

In...

Out.

Just listen to the sound
of your breath and mine.

In...

Out.

In...

So, you know, anyways,

I'm saving up
for a new car.

Do you like convertibles?

Hell, yeah.

I like the way you roll, Myk.

I like everything
about you.

Ooh! A Bravia!
That's a big TV.

I only like the biggest
and the best.

In...

Out.

Inhale...

Exhale.

Still breathing?

Yes.

Good night.

Thank you.

You're the best.

I know.

You know he's a little light
in the loafers, right?

Oh, jeez!

Marlene!

Trust me, that little peep show

was much more
embarrassing for me.

What, you can't show up when
I'm having a bowl of cereal?

Why are you in my bath tub?

Maybe my butt's dirty.

Don't worry about it.

Are you here to make
me feel guilty

because I got off to a man
other than my husband?

No way.

Get it where you can.
Life's short.

Yours may be shorter
than most.

Are there really such
things as soul mates?

Stop trying to get me to give
you the answers to the test.

You think too much.

You're connected to this guy.

You're connected
to your husband.

You're connected to me.

We were soul mates.

And then you killed yourself.

Doesn't mean we're
not still connected.

Oh, and FYI:

At the great big party
in the sky,

you can jack off 24/7--
No judgments.

Hmm.

I miss you.

Better get out of the tub.

You're starting to prune up.

Hmm.

♪ ♪

♪ When everything
you have goes away ♪

Paul, what are you doing?

I feel so great.

I feel fucking spectacular.

And I want you to feel
spectacular too.

I feel spectacular.

What's wrong?

My nail's gone.

The drugs are working.

♪ Nothing seems
to work out right ♪

♪ and you're trying ♪

♪ and you're still... ♪

Bear hug.

- ♪ All right ♪

♪ yeah, you're still all right ♪

♪ and you're
still all right ♪