The Big C (2010–2013): Season 2, Episode 5 - Cats and Dogs - full transcript

♪ it's so hard ♪

♪ to turn your life over ♪

♪ step out ♪

♪ of your comfort zone ♪

♪ is this some kind of a joke? ♪

♪ will someone wake me up soon ♪

♪ and tell me this was just a game we play ♪

♪ called life? ♪

Imagine you are healthy and strong,

And you are ready to fight your enemy--

Cancer.



Visualize your cancer in front of you

And prepare for battle.

You have great reserves of inner strength.

Reach inside yourself
and harness this power.

Your courage empowers you.

Your endurance sustains you.

You are filled with confidence and light.

You are not sick.

You will be triumphant...

Because you are stronger

Than your canc--

Canc-- canc-- canc-- canc-- canc--

"a," good morning.

"b," help yourself to
anything but the lasagna.



That's for dinner.

I'm looking for a-- like,
a baby-sized pot roast

Or something of equal
heft to test my creation.

Okay, I'll bite.

What creation?

Ah. Introducing...

The tolkey tot tote.

It's a sling for baby cathy.

- She is gonna rock it.
- Well, it is...

Admirably homemade.

Ah, it's cobbled
together from dish towels,

Couple of old pot holders.

Hey, check it out.

It works. Ha ha. I'm brilliant.

Has rebecca seen this?

No, she's on a pharmaceutical boondoggle,

Which is why I've had time
to nurture my creative side.

Oh.

Granted, further testing is in order.

Um, I'll get right on it.

Remember, babies are fragile.

Every time adam does something stupid,

I wonder if it's because I dropped him

- On that skating rink.
- Oh, no.

He does stupid shit 'cause I
dropped him on the driveway.

Thanks for the balanced breakfast, sis.

Really, daisy?

Our insurance is covering the appointment

Where the doctor ordered
the mri for my wife,

But not the mri itself?

How convenient... For you.

Oh, don't you worry, daisy.

I will resubmit the claim.

You have a lovely,
well-insured day yourself.

Bye-bye.

What's the damage this time?

1,800 bucks.

Now I-I really want to fuck her up.

No fucking-upping.
You let me handle it, okay?

You just chillax.

Whoa. Is that a new ipod?

Damn, I want one.

No, it's my old ipod. It's broken.

I'm gonna take it in.

They're either gonna fix it,

Or they're gonna give me a new one.

Am I sensing some tension here?

No, you're sensing
$1,800 is a lot of money,

Even when we had two incomes.

This is just a blip on the
economic picture, I promise.

Did you follow up on those
job interviews from last week?

They were both steps down--
bad moves, big picture-wise.

We need a better picture, paul.

Remember my old friend jimmy lund?

- Plaid shirts?
- Striped.

He called.

The company he works for is hiring.

We're gonna have lunch to
talk about the details.

I feel really, really
good about this one, cath,

Really good.

So the unemployment tide is turning.

Up high.

Oh, yeah.

You really have to leave,

Because I have to leave.

Come on.

I still think it's better if we go slow,

Like we decided,

And not do stuff.

Okay?

Mm-hmm.

Call me tonight?

- Yeah.
- You promise?

- Yeah, totally.
- Okay, cool.

- See ya.
- Later.

If I catch you without
your helmet one more time,

No more bike.

I was just with mia.

Most accidents happen close to home.

Read the statistics. They're horrifying.

How is mia?

Fine.

She had to go visit her
1,000-year-old grandma.

So I have to go to the clinic
and then run a few errands.

Dad's gone, too, so you are on your own

Until 5:00 or 6:00.

If you get hungry before then,
feed yourself.

How?

There is money in the cash drawer.

Order a pizza.

Make sure you finish your english paper

Before I get home.

You even know where your helmet is?

Yeah.

It's-- it's in the garage, where I left it.

Next time, put it on...

And keep it on...

Until you're around 25.

Hey, wait up.

Do I have to walk in front of your car again

To get your attention?

Want to find out? I'm going to my car now.

you know what's great about you?

You have the face of a cheerleader

And the attitude of a bouncer.

- I like it.
- Hmm.

Oh, Saturday drug run?

Is there anything in there
to make you nicer to me?

Nothing that potent.

I'm just picking up refills

From that pharmacist with
the dubious hair plugs.

Didn't think I'd see you today.

I was just teaching a meditation class

To the oncology nurses.

They are a tense bunch.

It wore me out.

You want to get lunch? I'm starving.

- You're buying.
- How very generous of me.

Hmm. No, I think I'll pass.

I have errands to run.

Wow. What's with the jewelry?

Did you rob an old lady
with questionable taste?

No, I'm just getting rid of a few things.

Well, hey, you can't take it with you.

No, but I can take it to
the pawn shop on washington.

Wait. This washington?

No, no, no. I should come with you.

No, it'll be boring.

I'm bored, and it's my jewelry.

Seriously, I ran past that place

The other day, and trust me,

Running is the way you should pass it.

Let me, um, check that
I have my rape whistle.

Hello, fellow parents.

Um, I'm wondering if you could help me

With a little paternal
predicament I'm having.

I need to do a real-world test-drive

Of my tolkey tot tote.

That's right-- total baby comfort,

Zero environmental impact.

Pretty sharp, huh?

Looks like a bunch of rags.

Well, you say potato,

I say repurposed items from my home.

I just need to try it out on a real baby

Before my baby's born and things get crazy.

So can one of you just slip this on

And put your little one in it--

That thing is filthy.
I can actually see the dirt.

Oh, no. No.

It's perfectly clean.

It just hasn't been pummeled
by harsh detergents.

So just...

Tuck your little fella in there

- And give him a bounce.
- Are you nuts?

No, not anymore.

And I suppose you think
spending hundreds of dollars

On pimped-out strollers
and witless toys is sane.

Let me let you in on a little secret.

Babies don't give a rat's ass

About accessories.

You're just being
manipulated by corporations

Into buying mountains of shit

That makes you feel good.

And the fact is, you're
just materialistic gluttons

Who don't know the difference

Between shopping and parenting.

And you should all be grounded.

500 bucks-- that is not chump change.

I've never seen anyone
negotiate like that.

You-- you're an animal.

Why did I wait so long to discover

The thrill of pawning?

I mean, instant cash.

Now my guys won't have to worry

About what to do with a bunch
of necklaces when I die.

That's right.

Got anything you want me to pawn?

I'll pawn it for you. I'm good at it.

I have already got rid
of most of my stuff.

You know, I've learned how to...

Detach from people

And-- and things and expectations,

And letting all of that
go just makes me feel...

Full of shit?

Unburdened.

Ah. Why am I not convinced?

You don't have to be.

It's just how I like to live.

And it's how I want to die--

Traveling light, no ties,

Nothing holding me back.

I could go right now.

You're already stage iv.

I mean, I wouldn't rush it any more--

Just my opinion.

Hey, hey. Can you help me out?

My car's out of gas.
Can you spare a few bucks?

I'm sorry.

Give me your money.

Come on!

Now! Or you want to fuckin' die?

Huh?

Huh? You want to die?

Um...

I'm fuckin' serious.

No, I-I know. I know.

It's just that if you--

Had any sense of the irony.

I'm dying. He's dying.

Seriously, she's not kidding.

No, he's all detached. He's ready to go.

You hit the jackpot with--
with the two of us.

You guys are nuts.

Wow, um...

Well, I guess you told him.

Oh, my god. Did he have a gun?

He had a gun.

No, no, it's okay.

Jesus. Did we almost get shot?

He's gone. He's gone. You all right?

- Yeah, I just--
- yeah.

I think I need-- I need to sit down...

Where there's some valium.

Um...

We can do better than that.

I typically don't go into
strange guys' apartments.

Just ignore the dead bodies.

No kidding you travel light.

Wow, lee. You live like a monk...

A drunk monk.

love my wine--

Not in a wino way.

You drink it for the antioxidants.

I own a wine bar back home in new orleans,

- Have for ten years.
- That's an attachment.

Huh? No, not at all.

Look, the second I die,

The manager takes over.

I did the paperwork for that years ago.

And in the meantime,

The owner's glass is always full.

Well, I'm confused.

Where do you live, up here or down there?

There.

This is just a sublet for while I'm here

- For dr. Sherman's trial.
- Hmm.

Hey, no tv, no radio.

What the hell do you do in here all day?

I meditate.

One hour in the a.M.,

One hour in the p.M., and, uh...

Drink-- p.M.

There's got to be some incriminating mess

Around here somewhere.

Okay, where does a buddhist
keep all of his clothes?

Those are all my clothes.

- Then I sold my boat.
- Boats suck.

- Bought a cabin, though.
- Cabin's better than a boat.

Your boss blows for firing you.

Well, I'm laid off, actually, but--

So, here's the 411 on the agency I'm at.

We're on a streak.

Landed pieces at 3m, pillsbury.

- Do that stuff in my sleep.
- Got something better for you.

Wait for it.

Waiting.

Ski-doo snowmobiles.

Oh, man.

I love snowmobiles.

You adam?

Yeah.

Uh, how old did you say you were again?

18...

And a half.

Got a place I can change?

Oh, uh, yeah.

Just, uh, go upstairs.

Okay.

Mommy, mommy. That man took patty.

What kind of sick--

Here, give me that.

- I-I-I was just testing--
- he took her doll!

- You need to leave, sir.
- This is a public park.

Only parents with children are
allowed within the perimeter.

I-I have a child, in utero.

Oh, really? Well, good luck to that kid.

He's gonna need it.

- It's a she.
- Hey, sean.

Buddy, looking good.
Can you lend me five bucks?

You're not helping me out here, joe.

What are you, an alien?

I told you what I was on the phone.

What did you think "dom" meant?

I don't know-- dominican?

So you didn't understand?

Then you've been a very bad boy.

Really? Really? You sure?

You sure it's breathed enough?

I mean, I don't want to rush it,

But when I said I wanted a drink,
I did mean today.

The perfect red.

For a foiled armed robbery.

And you are gonna drink it the right way.

First, smell.

Then just a small sip.

But don't swallow. Hold it in your mouth.

Move it over your tongue.

Really... Really bathe every taste bud.

Good?

Good.

Swallow.

Notice anything?

Yes. Stunning.

And now it's gone, and I want more.

Clean finish, and then a craving--

The mark of a great shiraz.

You have more sneakers than shirts.

I run marathons.

I started, uh, 12 years ago
when I was first diagnosed...

Back at stage I.

I've run them in every city
I was in for treatment.

Knocking yourself out
to cross a finish line--

Seems like the opposite of buddhism to me.

well, it's not about getting somewhere.

It's about, um...

Being somewhere.

It's like...

You get to the point in a marathon

Where it seems like everything stops...

Like you're not moving at all.

You're like a cat, aren't you?

rubbing up against things,

But never needing anybody.

I wouldn't mind being reincarnated

As one of those hairless cats, you know,

Where you can almost see their
hearts beat beneath the skin?

Ugh. I'm much more of a dog person.

Mm.

I have attachments...

Lots of attachments...

Attachments on attachments.

Can I tell you something? I'm stressed out.

Can I tell you something?

That is obvious.

My husband just lost his job.

I'm afraid he's not going
to get another one.

And medical bills do not pay themselves.

Does he have prospects, your husband?

I don't know. Maybe.

I mean, he's-- he's holding
out for the right job.

He's looking at the bigger picture.

He doesn't want to take a step down.

But, you know, times are tough,
and our times are really tough.

And I just-- I just want him to get a job.

I mean, he acts like we have all
the time in the world, but...

Nobody gets that much time.

I'll drink to that.

So what would I be-- senior art director,

Supervising art director?

There's no title. It's freelance.

What the fuck, jimmy?

Talk about burying the lead, man.

I mean, I-- I thought we were
talking about a job job here.

I can get freelance on my own.

I mean, everything I've been
interviewing for is freelance.

That's 'cause that's all that's out there.

Well, can you guarantee me

Maybe 30 billable hours a week?

15 to 20, tops.

Health insurance through the agency maybe?

Sorry. Not an option.

Jesus.

I'm-- I was a vice president

Three weeks ago, you know, with insurance.

Now you want insurance, you got to--

You got to, you know, froth cappuccinos

Or flip burgers or something.

I can't support a family on that.

Well, then be ready to be
out of work for a long time.

I can't afford "long time," jimmy.

I need a real job now,

'cause I got real responsibilities now.

Take your snowmobiles and
stick 'em up your ass.

Why do I always get the idiots?

I swear, I didn't know
those things cost extra.

Just please untie me.

Sure, when you cough up the whole $250.

That's how it works.

I only have the $100, okay?

$120, maybe. That's all.

I fucked you.

That alone's $100. What did you think?

I don't know.

No, no, please.

Please, please, don't smoke in here.

I'll put it out. For $250.

Can you help me out, uncle sean?

Beats me. What's up?

"when I am dead, do not clothe me.

"wrap me naked in a sheet--

"wrap me naked in a sheet.

"no flowers on my bed.

"and let no one accompany me,

"neither relatives nor friends.

Burn me."

That-- that is a death I can drink to.

Pirandello got it right.

Where do you even find a quote like that--

When I go, I'm going to go with a bang.

No, I want-- I want a band.

I want a brass band

Or a clown band.

Probably that's all we can afford--
and fireworks.

Nice. That is keeping it classy, jamison.

And a crowd.

I want family and friends

And my former students and
my old girl scout troop,

Including the mean deaf girl.

And they should all be crying,

But not enough so that
they don't enjoy the--

The chocolate fountain...

- And the bacon.
- Uh-huh.

So you take that, pinocchio.

Pirandello.

You know, a month ago,

I didn't want anybody
to know that I was sick,

Not paul, not adam.

But now-- now that they know,
I want them-- I want them with me

Un-- until the very end.

No, I-I don't want my death to be--

Scary?

No. No one does.

Desolate.

There, I said it.

That's what I fear...

A desolate death.

If that happens, then I know

I've done something very, very wrong.

I've never been able to talk

About this stuff with anyone.

Maybe it's the room.

It feels so serene.

I've never even said

The word "serene" before.

Oh, god. I'm sorry.

I've misled you.

Oh, no. I'm sorry.

- I'm-- I'm--
- calm down.

- I didn't-- I didn't mean--
- I am calm.

I'm married.

And even though

I've been complaining about my husband

And his nerve-racking approach

To-- to job hunting, I...

No, I like being attached to paul,

And I almost really screwed
that up once, and I'm--

why are you laughing?

What, you think that's funny?

You think I'm straight?

What?

I'm gay.

Gay?

I was actually just admiring the fact

That you seem to have no pores.

But, um...

I- I can assure you-- a true cocksman.

Got it.

okay.

Okay.

Gay.

I clearly-- I clearly
didn't see that coming.

Wow.

Ha!

Don't I think highly of myself.

You should. You're incredible.

Uh-huh.

What, incredible enough to have the power

To turn a gay guy straight
over two bottles of wine?

Oh.

Oh, god, I-I have to go,

Not-- not because you're gay,

- But because I--
- okay.

I am-- I'm semi-mortified, and...

And it-- oh, it's almost 5:00.

Oh.

Oh, paul wants me to meet him.

So I really-- I really do.

I...

I have to go.

How could you not know
it's statutory rape?

Look at him.

Plus, you're guilty of overcharging

For services rendered.

You do not charge a guy

For just showing him the ball gag.

This is bullshit.

Mr. Horny over here agreed
to every add-on service.

No. I didn't know.

You shut up. And, you...

You're lucky I don't report you

To the cops and the governing body

Of trained dominatrices.

Fine.

$150, and we'll call it even.

Well... Done.

But as I, um, conduct my transactions

Without legal tender,
you will have to accept payment

In the form of trade,

Like, uh, that ashtray or that vase.

shit.

What the fuck were you thinking?

She's a hooker!

Look, I thought it'd be cool.

I didn't know she'd hold me hostage.

Calling up a hooker
is random and dangerous.

That shit is never cool...

For a kid.

I- I thought you had a
nice girlfriend, adam.

Why aren't you sleeping with her?

None of your business.

Um, dude, I just paid off your date

With one of rebecca's
crate & barrel originals.

I think that makes it my business.

My girlfriend wants
to wait to do it, and...

I tried hooking up with girls at school,

But that got complicated.

So I thought it would be easier

To just mess around

With someone who wouldn't decorate my locker

And who doesn't know my mom has cancer.

Oy. The sick-mom thing.

Yeah, I feel you there.

When my mom died, I torched my own car...

While I was living in it.

Oh, that's mental.

Just-- look...

Don't be in such a hurry to grow up, okay?

I mean, I know I make adulthood look easy,

But trust me, it's no bed of roses.

Just... Just take it slow, okay?

And, uh, know that

You can always ask me for anything.

Could you help me write my english paper

Before my mom gets home?

Okay.

Paul?

I just wanted you to meet me here

So I could rip off the band-aid.

I work here now, short-term.

And I know you must be all
kinds of weirded out now,

Honey, but, you know, here's the thing.

The job has health insurance, which we need.

You know, I only applied here,

Like, two hours ago after meeting

With that asshole jimmy.

And you don't need to panic,

'cause I'm gonna keep
looking for something good.

And I'm gonna get it.

But until that happens...

I'm gonna be wearing this to work.

You know, and even though
I can't fix everything,

I can, um, fix your ipod.

Okay? Or tell you who can--

Lance in tech support.

I think it's awesome.

Right this way.

♪ keep giving me love to find a way ♪

♪ through this messy
life I made for myself ♪