The Big C (2010–2013): Season 2, Episode 4 - Boo! - full transcript

♪ It's so hard ♪

♪ to turn your life over ♪

♪ step out ♪

♪ of your comfort zone ♪

♪ is this
some kind of a joke? ♪

♪ will someone
wake me up soon? ♪

♪ and tell me this was just
a game we play ♪

♪ called life ♪

Is that thing keeping you up?

I couldn't sleep anyway.

Ugh.



Oh, my fucking God.

I'm gonna rip that fucking
skeleton apart

bone by bone.

He's unnerving you.
He's doing his job.

How do you know it's a he?

Can't even tell
the gender of a skeleton.

That's what makes them
extra creepy.

I think females have
wider pelvic bones.

I love you dearly, honey,

but I can't analyze this
right now.

Fucking neighbors.

The skeleton keep you up too?

What? No.

I'm just bedazzling
my Halloween costume.



You still dress up?

Hell yeah.

I love Halloween.

I remember when Adam
was about four,

it was the first year he ever
really got Halloween.

We were done trick-or-treating
in about an hour.

He came home, he dumped
his bag on the floor,

tore into the candy,

fell asleep right there.

The next morning,

I found him waiting
by the front door

dressed in his little
Pocahontas costume

ready to go again.

He was Pocahontas?

He was obsessed with her.

Paul was sure
he was gonna be gay.

I'll give you 20 bucks
if you have a picture

I can torture him with.

Seems like such
a long time ago now.

So what are you making?

I usually just start creating

and then see where
my inspiration takes me.

So I'm thinking
a sparkly ghost,

or a sparkly bird,

or a witch, but sparkly.

Fucking pagan holiday.

Paul, you cannot steal
their decorations.

Oh, don't worry.

I left the entire
interactive tombstone display

with the ghoul that says,

"I've lost my head.
Have you seen it?"

Every time I get
in my fucking car.

God damn psycho neighbors.

They're infatuated
with death over there.

I think he's a little nervous

about my starting
the clinical trial today.

Are you?

I'm excited.

I mean, I have a game plan.

Granted, it involves needles
and hospital smells,

but still, kinda excited.

Well, I was gonna leave
this out as a surprise,

but since you're up.

Oh!

I love it.

Mmm!

I feel braver
and bitchier already.

Good morning to you.

Everyone else is making
their houses look scary.

Yours is starting to look
positively inviting, sir.

That's the whole point.

Neighbor kids think
this house is haunted,

and Marlene really put
the nail in that coffin

when she, you know,
put the nail in the coffin.

Well, you'll probably
get two or three

little treaters tonight.

Hopefully more
as the years pass.

Yeah, kids dressed up
as lions and princesses

and Charlie Chaplin,
that's what I want.

Then someday I'll dress
my own kid up

as one of the seven wonders
of the world,

and we will go around
begging for sugar.

You still sleeping in
the yard in that scenario?

Nope.

I promised Rebecca
I'd be moved back inside

by the time she got back.

I slept on the porch
last night.

I'm sleeping
on the couch tonight.

Plan on joining her in bed
upon her return.

I hope my new drugs help me

as much as yours
are helping you.

Jesus, those were some
hairy strands of DNA

our shithead parents
tried to string together.

Happy Halloween.

You're gonna do great today.

Oh, hi, honey bunny.

I can't believe you guys
call each other that.

What are you doing?
Get out of here.

I can't.
I live here, remember?

Yeah, that doesn't
give you the right

to just barge into my room.

Unwad your bikini briefs.

I'm just 'cause your mom
wanted me to tell you

that breakfast is ready.

Tell her I'll eat
something later.

I'm not your messenger.

You're not my boss.

Look, bitch,
I just think it'd be nice

if you gave your mom
a good luck hug or something.

Then she'll get all weird
and start crying.

So?

She can't cry with all
the shit she's going through?

Why do you care?
She's not your mother.

Your mom moved
thousands of miles away

and let you stay with
a bunch of strangers, remember?

You look stupid in that shirt.

Oh, come on, guys,
we went over this!

Everything okay?

Ugh, I just gotta get
this project turned around

by tomorrow,

and every possible thing
that could go wrong

is going wrong!

Would it be sexual harassment
if I called Jeff a douche bag?

It might be.

Jesus, this parking lot
is packed.

I hope I'm not late.

Thanks so much for being
designated driver, hon.

I gotta get these emails out,

and I just wouldn't
want to upset Oprah

by, you know,
texting and driving.

- Oh, there's a spot.
- What? Where?

Missed it.

Okay, you cannot be
a backseat driver

in the front seat
while texting.

- It's just not--
- There's another one!

Get that space.

Oh, my God!
You ran over somebody!

You scared me.

Are you okay?

Oh, my--
I am so, so sorry.

I didn't see you.

- Oh, it hurts.
- Where, sir?

Can you--can you
tell us where?

Okay, I--I--
I don't see any blood.

Okay?

What if he's
bleeding internally?

No, it felt like
I barely tapped him.

Why don't you look
where you're going for--

You're the one
that told me to--

Why are you laughing?

That never gets old.

Wait.

Are you fucking with us?

That was not funny.

That was very funny.

I mean, you have to be
a really bad driver

to hit someone
in a parking lot.

Oh, that doesn't
happen every day.

You scared the shit out of us.

Boo.

Have a nice day.

Fucking freak.

Jeez!

You knock much?

As if you could
hear me knocking

over your shitty taste
in music anyhow.

Cathy asked me
to bring that to you.

Oh, diabetes in a bag.

Thanks.
Did you open this?

You didn't expect me to bring
it all the way over here

for free, did you?

Can I ask you something?

Do you hear a thumping noise?

Not now, but when you came in?

- What do you mean?
- Okay, shit.

I keep hearing these noises,

like a thumping or something.

It comes from over here,

and then it's over there.

But when I try
to follow the sound,

whoo, it goes somewhere else.

I'm kind worried
that I'm going crazy again,

hearing ghosts or something.

Oh, my God, it's Marlene.

Yeah, right, good one.

I'm serious.

Sometimes when people
die at home,

their spirits get stuck.

It happens all the time.

Don't fuck with me, Andrea.

My mental state
can't take it right now.

I'm not!
I believe in this shit.

A friend of my granny's
used to clean houses,

and this one time
she was cleaning this room

of this guy that died.

And all of a sudden,

she started feeling
something really weird

right above her head.

And so she slowly looked up,

and boom, a light bulb
burst right in her face.

If I were you, I would sage
the hell out of this place.

It's the only way
the spirits will know

that it's time to go.

You hear that, Marlene?

It's time to cross over,
you old racist bitch!

Wait, Andrea.

Could you hang out
for a minute?

See if it happens again?

No, no, no.
Hell no.

If you got ghosts in here,
I want no part of it.

Shit.

I am officially checked in.

Whoo-hoo.

Oh, look at
the cute vampire nurse.

I hope she's the one
that takes the blood.

No, I like that the staff

dresses up here for Halloween.

Hospitals can be so depressing.

It's nice to see people
having a little fun.

Fun?

You call that fun?

Cancer nurse dressed up
like a dead person?

Seems more like
shitty taste to me.

Oh, great, now my emails
aren't going through.

Fuck me!

Ugh!

Maybe you should go to work.

No.

I'm gonna stay here with you.

No, I know you want to,

but you're starting
to stress me out

with all the texting
and the buzzing

and the negative energy
right now.

You're right.

You're right.
I'm sorry.

Dumb deadline, it's just
making me crazy.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna turn this thing off.

Screw them.

Oh, fuck me in my fat ass.

Go.

Please.

We talked about this.

I'm okay doing things myself,
I really am.

Okay, honey.

I'll be back in a jiffy,

if not sooner, okay?

You're very attractive.

Just for the record, I find
your outfit highly offensive.

Cathy Jamison.

Yes.

Follow me, please.

We just need you to fill out
some paperwork here,

and when you're done we'll
grab a quick "blooood" sample

before we start treatment.

Okay, thank you.

Oh, man, look who it is.

My would-be assassin.

This must be pretty
awkward for you, right?

By the way, I--

I think I'm developing
a hematoma,

which will be
very easy to remember

because it rhymes
with melanoma, right?

So then people
will just know me

as the "oma" guy.

- Do you mind?
- The look on your face--

Look, I think
I've seen enough--

Oh, I can't hear you.

Then take out
the fucking ear buds,

shut up, and let me fill out
my goddamn paperwork.

Hey, John, how are you?

Let me give you a little tip,

Catherine Tolka--

- Tolke.
- Tolke Jamison.

I'm guessing this is your
first clinical trial, right?

And clinical trials,
they're very much like, um,

the first day of school.

Right now cliques are forming

and bonds are being made,

and nobody wants to be friends
with the mean blonde girl.

- Hey, hot stuff.
- Oh, hey.

You didn't call me back.

Uh, sorry.

I put my phone on silent,
forgot to check it.

That's cool,
I was just checking to see

if you wanna go to
Segrid's party together.

It's on Friday.

Maybe.
I don't know.

Eww.

Gross.
What are those?

They are fetal pigs,
Mr. Bobick,

which we will be dissecting
in class today.

Everyone, kindly grab gloves
and a pair of goggles,

and head in groups of five
to a lab station, please.

I've never seen
anything dead before.

It's totally freaking me out.

Come on.

Miss Thompson.

Shit.

Do you by any chance have
your insurance approval form?

Um...

Not sure.

It's blue

with seven numbers on top,

starting with "W-X."

Uh...

- I don't see it.
- That's unfortunate.

Technically we need
to have that on file

before we can begin treatment.

Well, can you call my insurance

and have them fax it over
or something?

We tried.

They're claiming they have
no record of approving it.

They are?

Oh, you called my secondary.

I switched
to my husband's policy

because it covers more,
so do I have the card?

Do I?

Do I have the card?

No, I don't.

You know, my husband usually
handles all this stuff.

He's my "cancierge."

It's a little joke
between the two of us.

We're only doing treatments
for the next couple of hours.

If you can't track
the form down by then,

then you'll have
to start tomorrow.

Tomor--no.

I want to start today.

I've--I've waited
weeks for this.

So let me call my husband.

I'm sure we can work it out.

Okay.

Call Tom back.

Tell him I need those
proofs by tomorrow.

What's the status on R.L.S.?

Still waiting to hear.

Of course you are.

Human Resources
wants to see me?

What the hell for?

I don't know.
They said it was urgent.

Huh.

Eliminated?

What do you mean,
my job's been eliminated?

Unfortunately your position
is no longer required

to keep the department
running smoothly.

But the company
just promoted me

to this position
a few months ago.

I know, this must be
quite a shock.

Damn right it's a shock.

I mean, what am
I supposed to do,

go back to being
an associate now?

Well, as you know,
that position was filled

when you were promoted.

And I'm afraid that there
isn't any room in the budget

to hire an additional
associate.

Wait a minute.

Am I being fired?

Not fired.

Let go.

Which entitles you
to a severance package.

Severance package?

Are you fucking kidding me?

This is bullshit!

Okay, I'm gonna have to ask you

to calm down.

Calm down?

How can you ask me
to calm down?

You know my wife has cancer!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

This is because she's sick

and I've been taking time off.

I could sue you for this.

Paul, I know this feels
like a personal attack,

but I think that
you are overreacting.

Really, Cheryl?

'Cause I think my reaction
is pretty fucking normal

given the shit
that I've been going through.

I admit that my focus has been
a little split recently,

and maybe I haven't been doing
the best job of my life.

But I work
a fuck of a lot harder

than the other assholes
in my division,

and I do not deserve
to be treated this way!

Oh, shit.

- Oh, shit!
- I'm sorry, Paul.

I know this is a bad time.

You know the next time
you fire somebody on Halloween,

you might want to take off
your pointy fucking ears first.

As you begin
to remove the heart,

notice how the surface
is covered with blood vessels.

If those get blocked,
guess what happens.

Heart attack.

Doctors sometimes
use pig valves

to replace damaged human ones.

No way.

So there are, like,
actual people walking around

with pig parts inside them?

Oh, yes, and grateful too.

It can mean the difference

between life and death
for some folks.

Oh, man, that is disgusting.

Heads up.

Nice catch, dude.

Some poor, sick bastard
just died.

Just shut the fuck up,
you asshole!

Break it up.
Break it up.

I said break it up, come on!

Principal's office now.

Sit down.

You've reached Paul Jamison.

Please leave a message
at the beep.

Paul, you have to call me back.

Call me back.

I need that insurance
information.

You have gotta be kidding me.

Ow.

Um, what are you doing?

Trying just to get
a goddamn water.

Fucking machine.

Am I sensing just a little
unresolved anger?

I'm having a bad day, okay?

Apparently.

My insurance is fucked up,

and they're not gonna
let me start the treatment

until tomorrow,
and it is freaking me out.

It's just a day.

I know it's just a day.

But what if today is the day
that tips the scale?

I just--I wanted today
to go smoothly.

I was so excited
when I woke up,

and now I just--

Why can't anything go
the way it's supposed to?

Oh, it did.

Just didn't go
the way you wanted it to.

You may be a brave bitch,

but you can't control
the universe.

You're the water, not the rock.

Oh, Jesus, what are you,

some kinda goddamn Buddhist?

I'll usually leave off
the "goddamn" part.

- Oh, shit.
- What?

Nurse, can we have
a little help?

Why are you calling the nurse?

Don't look down, but you're
kinda bleeding a lot.

Oh, my God.

I said not to look down.

Come with me, we'll get you
all cleaned up, okay?

Yeah, I think I might--

Oh!

Hey.

I missed you at lunch.

Wasn't hungry.

You didn't end up
getting detention, did you?

I told Mr. Ingvoll that Justin
was being a total prick.

He shouldn't have been
making fun of sick people

in front of you.

I felt so bad.

I don't need people
feeling bad for me.

I didn't mean it like that.

I get how hard this is
with your mom.

You know, I'm here
if you ever want to talk.

I don't, okay?

And if I did,
it wouldn't be with you.

What?

I don't know what you think,

but we're not a couple.

We did it once.

That's it.
It didn't mean anything.

I have a girlfriend.

So stop calling me
and leaving notes on my locker

and inviting me
to stupid parties,

because I'm not into you.

You're an asshole!

Damn, you're a cruel
son of a bitch.

What did you say to that girl
to make her cry like that?

God, you're always
in my fucking business.

Just leave me alone.

Or what?

You'll make me cry too?

You done now?

I'd say more,

but lucky for you
I'm an angel today.

No, no, no, no, no.

See, bud?

There's nothing
to be afraid of.

There's no such thing
as a haunted house.

Baby on fire!

Baby on fire!

Wait, wait, don't go.

I have candy.

Where the hell
have you been all day?

Did you not get any
of my messages?

I called the insurance company
on the way over.

They should be faxing
the form right now.

Is that from your treatment?

No.

I put my hand
up a vending machine.

What?

Actually I don't have
bandages from my treatment,

because I wasn't able
to start today

thanks to you
not returning my calls.

But I guess Jeff the douche bag

is more important
than my clinical trial.

I was busy getting fired.

I'm sorry if that didn't fit
into your fucking schedule.

They fired you?

Why didn't you call me?

In the middle
of your treatment?

You have fucking cancer, Cathy,

and that pretty much trumps
everything all the time.

Do not act like
this is my fault,

because if you want to trade
places with me, buddy,

I'd be glad to do it.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it like that.

It's just everything
is just so fucked right now.

I mean, isn't it enough
that you have cancer?

Now I gotta worry
about finding a job

and getting insurance again.

How much more shit can they
pile on top of our heads?

It's--it's--

it's like we're being
punished or something.

Just making sure you guys
can see me, all right?

Keep your eyes
on the road, okay?

- Fuck you!
- Asshole!

Hey.

What happened to you two?

I got fired.

My treatment got screwed up.

I can't start till tomorrow.

Oh, man, that sucks.

Do you want a butterfinger?

I'd love one.

- Hey.
- Hey, sweetheart.

You going trick-or-treating?

Um, I thought about it,

and then I realized I was 15.

So no.

You used to love Halloween.

Yeah, well, now I hate it.

That makes it unanimous.

It's all right.

I have enough 'ween love
for all of us.

What?

What, Marlene?

What are you trying to tell me?

Do you want me gone?

Then just say it.

Because I don't understand
"bump" and "swoosh."

Crazy old lady.

You know, I actually
hope you are real, Marlene,

because if you are real,

that means I'm not crazy,

and that's a good thing,

'cause I got a lot of people

that I need to be sane for
right now.

I'm actually--

I'm actually breaking
one of my rules

by talking out loud with
no one else in the room.

So if you are a real ghost,

Marlene, could you
just do me a favor

and--and go toward
the light or whatever.

Just please don't stay here.

I have to be sane, Marlene.

Please.

Please let me be sane.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh, all right, fly away.

Go on.

Fly home.

Fly home, little owl.

Get out.

Fly away.
Fly away.

Oh, thank Christ.

♪ ♪

♪ When did you fall down
from heaven ♪

Okay.

You're all set.

♪ When did you say
good-bye to heaven ♪

♪ ♪

♪ and leave those starry
starry skies ♪

♪ ♪

♪ when did you leave heaven ♪

♪ sweet angel of mine ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'm hoping and I'm praying ♪

♪ loving me won't make you ♪

♪ fall down from grace ♪

♪ ♪

♪ yes I'm hoping
and I'm praying ♪