The Big C (2010–2013): Season 2, Episode 3 - Sexual Healing - full transcript

♪ It's so hard ♪

♪ to turn your life over ♪

♪ step out ♪

♪ of your comfort zone ♪

♪ is this
some kind of a joke? ♪

♪ will someone
wake me up soon? ♪

♪ and tell me this was just
a game we play ♪

♪ called life ♪

Ready?

One, two...

- Don't count.
- Right, sorry.



- Ready?
- Paul!

- Ow!
- Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

I'm just kinda poppin'
my injection cherry here.

I promise I will
get better at this.

I just can't bring myself

to intentionally puncture
myself.

I'd make
a crappy heroin addict.

Hey, I wonder
if this stuff is gonna

give you the ability
to lift fallen trees,

or bend metal bars and stuff.

No, they're not
that kind of steroids, Paul.

They prevent side effects.

What is this?

Just a little pleasure
to offset the pain.



The Best of Chicago.

- The soundtrack of our love.
- Thank you.

Not just for the CD.

But for everything
you're doing.

You know, the shots and
the setting the appointments

and just always
looking out for me.

Hey, I'm your cancierge,
remember?

Mm.

I know--
I know we haven't...

You know, done it in a while.

And I--I just
hope that's okay.

Of course!

My body's just
pretty spent right now.

Oh, honey, don't
even think about that.

We have got
a full plate right now.

A full plate, you know?

Melanoma with
a side of steroids?

- You sure?
- Absolutely.

We got this
clinical trial coming up

and my work's insane.

Cath, we're not kids anymore.

Trust me, I don't miss it.

Contrary to popular belief,

our country is not a democracy.

Technically, it's a republic.

So I want two pages

from everybody tomorrow

explaining the difference
between the two.

And I'm onto your
Wikipedia plagiarism.

So be original or find
a more clever way to cheat.

Okay, don't freak out.

Andrea, telling people
not to freak out

is not a great way
to put people at ease.

- What's going on?
- My parents got called

by our church
to do missionary work...

In Ghana.

We leave next week.

We're gonna spread the word

like the fucking
mosquitoes spread malaria.

But it's your senior year!

Tell me about it.

Not only can I
not graduate with my class,

but if I finish school there,

I can't
get in-state tuition

to go to
the University of Minnesota.

It's...good to hear
you have your eye on college.

They have this fashion program
I was all excited about.

Why haven't
I heard of this before?

Maybe I was just trying to keep

a little mystery
in our friendship.

I am so sorry.

I--I wish there
was something I could do.

It's all right.

I hear it's really easy
to get dysentery in Ghana.

Maybe I'll eat some bad goat

and get really skinny

and then come back and
get a job as a supermodel.

Now, I hate
the pink color in here

and the closet is packed

with misguided
late-night purchases.

But...
The room is all yours.

I appreciate this,
Mrs. Jamison.

Please.

The nice thing about cancer,

if it feels right,
you just do it.

I'll make sure
my parents build a hut

made out of cow dung
in your honor.

I had a really
nice chat with your mom.

I promised her I would not
let you dye your hair blonde

and that you
would keep your grades up.

We've gotta get you into
fashion school, young lady.

What do you got in here?

Some of your favorite
rocks from home?

Mr. Jamison,

heavy girl has heavy clothes.

It's a joke.

I'm cool with jokes
about my weight.

It's the elephant in the room.

- That's a joke too.
- Nice one.

I'm gonna go get
the rest of your stuff.

So, you're, um--
so your parents were assigned

to some sort
of missionary position?

Missionary work in Ghana?

Wow, that's a long way away.

I bet you weren't
a big fan of me moving in.

Why would you say that?

Look, there might've been
a little bit of hesitation

when it first came up,

but that's only 'cause
we got a lot going on here.

You know, doctor's appointments
and stuff like that.

Or maybe you didn't want me
here 'cause I'm black?

What?
That's ridiculous.

Wh-wh-why
would you say that?

I'm just fucking
with you, Mr. J.

Nice.

Well-played,
young Jester.

Good morning, Yin to my Yang.

Ketchup to my mustard.

Hall to your Oates.

Nice.

These are for you.

- Oh!
- Honeycrisps.

The old guy down
the street told me

I could help myself
to his apple tree.

You know, it's amazing what you
get when your first reaction

to someone
saying "Good morning,"

isn't "Fuck off, asshole."

So the meds are working?

They are.

Maybe they're cutting
these new bipolar drugs

with fairy dust or something.

Because I--
I feel fantastic.

It's like I have
this incredible ability

to focus on everything.

Best of all,
it's like a fog has been lifted

and I am really seeing you.

I'm appreciating you
on an entirely new level.

Say more.

I love how your hair

is the perfect shade
of honey blonde...

How your eyes reflect the light
like a kaleidoscope...

How the contour
of your lower back

is like a finely paved
expressway to your ass.

Wow!

I was leery about what
these meds would do to you,

but if this is the result,
I love it.

Mm.

Let me--let me see
what else I can discover.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh!

So you had a chance
to leave the country,

but instead you chose
to serve time

in Jamison State Prison?

And I'm loyal to the warden.

So watch your mouth
unless you wanna

catch a shank
in the back during yard.

What is all this shit?

You rob a salon or
you gonna open one up?

This is my toilette.

The toilet is down the hall,

- next to the "bath-tube."
- No, dumb ass.

Toilette is French
for the things that I do

to compose the vision of beauty
that you see before you.

Heat-style protecting foam?

Oh, yeah, that's for my hair.

Look.

It's got these tiny organisms
in it that repair it.

If you look close enough
you can see them.

They kinda
look like sea monkeys.

Oh, you suck!

You're dead, asshole!

Oh, nice to see you
with a smile on your face.

I just love seeing Adam
and Andrea get along so well.

Thank you
for agreeing to let her move in.

Oh, come on, how could I not?

You made such
a compelling argument.

What was it again?
Oh, yeah.

- "We're doing this!"
- It's good for Adam

to have another kid
in the house.

Especially with all this
clinical trial stuff going on.

He'll have someone
to hang out with,

someone to talk to.

Well, I hope Andrea
likes talking about farts.

Here, try this.

This is broccoli, garlic,
olive oil, and turmeric.

A superfood perfect storm
for health.

Needs more chocolate.

Mm.

Your skin is so smooth.

It's like
soft-serve ice cream.

I just wanna
cover it in sprinkles

and put my face in it.

Compliments after sex?

I am tempted
to double your meds

and carry you around
in my purse.

God, you have perfect breasts.

They're pouty, yet pert.

And delightful
little raspberry nipples.

Oh, look.
Check it out.

You have hairs on your nipple.

- No, I don't.
- Don't get sensitive.

- I love your "hairy-ola."
- That's not funny, Sean.

It's the God damn
pregnancy hormones.

They're turning me
into a fucking Sasquatch.

Oh, it's just
a couple of little hairs.

It's cute.
It's not at all Sasquatch-y.

I should've known
that there would be a downside

to your
drug-induced micro-vision.

That this fawning and attention

would come back
and bite me in the ass.

Where you have
very cute dimples, by the way.

Okay, I get it, Sean.
I'm Quasi-fucking-modo.

- Thanks so much.
- What? Wait!

Rebecca!

Jesus.

♪ If you likin' how the beat
bang you should get up ♪

♪ if you likin'
how the beat bang, hey ♪

♪ if you likin'
how the beat bang, hey ♪

♪ uh, yeah, uh ♪

♪ if you likin'
how the beat bang ♪

♪ you should get up ♪

♪ you can bump it in your whip
or if you up in the club ♪

♪ if you stuntin' by the bar
then pop a bottle of bub ♪

♪ and get up,
get up, get up, hey ♪

♪ and all my people put
your bs up we livin' it up ♪

♪ spending money like its
nothing we ain't giving a what ♪

♪ if you stuntin' by the bar
then pop a bottle of bub ♪

♪ and get up,
get up, get up, hey ♪

♪ step in the club and
everybody put their hands up ♪

♪ I'm crossing over ♪

- What the fuck?
- ♪ Like iverson the answer ♪

♪ talking on the streets
like how real is truth ♪

♪ well, I'm guessing half a mill
for the deal is probably proof ♪

♪ and we be on roof in
the leer jets and coupes ♪

♪ and young big ready to die
screaming "Gimme the loot" ♪

♪ they ask me, "Truthy,
how you get all your cheese?" ♪

♪ I spent double
y'all salaries on lawyer fees ♪

♪ I got security,
I'm maturing, but ♪

♪ I'm tryin' to have stocks
come into maturity ♪

♪ now get up ♪

♪ if you likin' how the beat
bang you should get up ♪

♪ you can bump it in your whip
or if you up in the club ♪

♪ if you stuntin by the bar
then pop a bottle of bub ♪

♪ and get up,
get up, get up, hey ♪

What are you doing here?

- I'm taking a bath.
- Well, get out!

Get out.
Get out of here!

Oh, hell no!

No.
No, no, no, that's not--

who I was--
No, no, no, that's not--

that's not who I was--
Oh, shit.

What's going on?

I heard screaming.

Andrea has...
Saw me masturbating.

What?

I didn't know she
was lurking the bathroom.

For a big girl, she's
stealthy as a fucking puma.

Jesus! Paul!

We invite a teenage girl
into our home

and within 24 hours,

you're pleasuring yourself
in front of her?

She walked in on me!

I to you it was a bad idea
to have her move in here.

Hey, wait a minute.

Why did you
tell me last night then

that sex
wasn't important to you?

That you weren't missing it?

And now here you are,
24 hours later,

you're beating off
to a catalogue!

I'm sorry, Cathy.
I lied.

I miss sex.

Okay, and I'm
working really hard here

to take care of you.

And I do not wanna be
the guy who forces himself

on his wife while she's
undergoing cancer treatment.

Do you have any idea how much
I hate being the patient?

I want to feel like having sex.

My body will not let me.

Well, that's funny, 'cause
when you did wanna have sex,

you're having sex with
somebody else.

Oh, that's what this is about.

Sex in the backyard,
sex in the Bahamas,

sex God-knows-where-else
with that guy.

Lenny got the best of you.

We both had affairs, Paul!

We can't undo any of it.

I wish I had a time machine.

Because I wouldn't
go back two months,

I'd go back 20 years
and slather on more sun block.

What's done is done.

So we can either--we
can keep fighting about this

or we can figure out
a way to move on.

Well, how do you propose
we do that?

Let's have sex right now.

- What are you doing?
- I'm moving on.

We're gonna cleanse
the palate of our affairs.

Come on, Paul.
Come on, do me.

Come on, it's gonna be great.

This isn't sexy.
It's aggressive and weird.

Great.
I'm gonna go make a sandwich.

Oh, yay.
My dad got tickets

to the James Taylor concert.

I don't even know who that is.

"You're the best, dad."

Ass clown.

Hey.

Hey, you there?

Yeah.

All this stuff with your mom...

Sucks.

Kinda is what it is, you know?

Did you just use
my sympathy about your mom

to make a move on me?

I thought I had a shot.

I like you, Adam.

I like you, too.

All right...

I've rushed
into doing it before

and it's kinda ruined stuff.

I don't want that to
happen with us.

Is that cool?

Yeah.

Yeah, totally.

Andrea, can I come in?

I wanted to talk
to you about earlier...

Uh, with Paul.

He was...

I don't think
this is something--

You know, Mrs. Jamison,

was it weird and awkward
for me to walk in

on your husband
burping his baby?

Definitely.

But I grew up
with three brothers

and those fools always have
their hands in their junk.

So it's nothing
I haven't seen before.

I--I want you
to feel safe here.

Like this can be a home to you.

I wanted this to be
a more seamless transition,

but...so much for that.

You ain't kidding.
I've been here for half a day

and I've already
seen your husband's penis

and I found a syringe
in the bathroom.

The syringe!

The syringe is
for the clinical trial

for my steroid injections.
No, no.

No, I hate them.

Oh.

My granny hated
her Insulin shots, too.

She used to
give me a dollar if I could

give them to her
without her feeling it.

And I took a lot of money
off that old lady.

I could do yours for you too.

Andrea, you're
my student and my houseguest,

not my nurse.

Does all this
cancer stuff scare you?

Scared shitless.

Scared of being
in this clinical trial,

scared of the side effects.

Scared it won't work
and if it doesn't, then what?

I mean, what if there
isn't another option for me?

So yeah.

It's a whole world of scared.

Well, I for one think
you're a pretty brave bitch.

It's a sex shop,
what did you expect?

I don't even
know what the appeal

of something like this is.

I dated a guy who was into S&M

and his safe word
was "more."

It was very confusing.

Medical science needs to come up
with a baby bjorn-type item

that allows you
to wear your fetus

on the outside of your body.

That way you could
walk around with it all day

and undock when you
wanna put on a sexy dress

or spend half an hour
on a spin bike.

I felt sexy
when I was pregnant.

Women say that.

But so far,
I've already gained six pounds

and it's all right here.

I think
you look great, Rebecca.

Sean is making me
real self-conscious.

He's all level and focused now.

But unfortunately,
what he's focused on

is every one of my flaws.

I've always counted
on my rock-hard abs and ass

and now they're gone,

so I'm resorting to
a little sleight of hand.

The last thing
I want is to become

one of those women who
think it's okay

to start wearing tankinis
and wide-bottom briefs.

You like him.

You care what he thinks!

- Stop it!
- You like your baby daddy.

How often do
you and Paul do it?

Honestly, we haven't
had sex in about two months.

Jesus, you're not dead yet.

You have to do something
to jumpstart your sex life.

Mix it up.

Otherwise, you and Paul
are gonna end up

sitting around like
a couple of old eunuchs,

eating grape-nuts and
shaving each other's calluses.

♪ Take me away ♪
♪ Take me away ♪

♪ take me away ♪
♪ Take me away ♪

♪ take me away ♪
♪ Take me away ♪

I love it.
I'm digging the teenage rage.

I'm Emily.

- I'm Adam.
- I know.

You're kind of the "It guy"
around school right now.

You know, 'cause of your mom.

Yeah.
Yeah, I know.

- The cancer kid.
- I was that kid for a while.

My mom had a boob
taken off last Christmas.

How long did the stigma last?

Until you become
known for something else.

♪ Don't you
don't you wanna wanna ♪

♪ don't you ♪
don't you wanna wanna ♪

♪ don't you ♪

♪ don't you wanna
see me flaunt what I got? ♪

♪ don't you,
don't you wanna wanna ♪

♪ don't you,
don't you wanna wanna ♪

♪ don't you ♪

♪ don't you wanna
see me flaunt what I got? ♪

I have a surprise for you.

And I have a surprise for you.

I'm making
homemade toilet paper.

With sawdust leftover
from our tree,

some cotton fibers,

a bit of your fancy lotion.

Trust me, our asses
have never had it so good.

Hi, daddy.

♪ Don't you,
don't you wanna see me ♪

♪ flaunt what I got? ♪

What?

I'm sorry, sorry.

I just--I never got
the whole

catholic schoolgirl fantasy.

Maybe that's 'cause of
the real tragedy

that's being perpetrated
on catholic school boys.

Fuck you, Sean!

I'm trying to be sexy for you.

You don't have to try to
be sexy, you just are.

Oh, yeah, right.

Like my
fucking "hairy-ola"

and inviting dimples on my ass.

Yes, and your chest freckles,

and your roots, when they
start to show a little bit,

and the extra weight
you're gaining right there.

Could you just stop?

I'm really hormonal
and emotional

and you've gotta
stop criticizing me.

Okay.

Okay, come here.

- I--
- No, come here.

What are you doing?

I'm getting
comfortable with you.

I'm sort of leveling
the playing field.

This...

- Ew.
- Is Dale.

My weird ingrown toenail
that grows in two directions.

It's infected most of the time.

In case you're wondering,

he is why I always
have sex with my socks on.

Oh, I have a mole
in the shape of Jesus.

- Right next to my butthole.
- Oh!

Yeah, I figured
you're gonna see it eventually,

so it might as well not
come as a surprise.

A couple of other things.

I have a vestigial nipple
under my arm.

Oh, and when I told you I
didn't like cauliflower, I lied.

I love it.
I just don't eat it

'cause it gives me
uncontrollable flatulence.

So, if none of those things
are deal breakers,

then there is nothing
you got going on

that could make me
any less nuts about you.

You're nuts about me?

Totally.

You better?

I'm better.

Mm.
Mm.

But you gotta retape Dale,

otherwise he's
gonna make me throw-up.

I know you're mad at me

but it's time
for your steroid shot

and you can resume
being mad at me afterwards.

I wanna do my shots myself.

Stop it.
I will do it.

You can't do it.

You said yourself
you can't do it.

I'm not gonna hurt you,
I've been practicing on oranges.

Listen to me.

I need you to see me
as your wife,

as your sexual partner.

And I need that.

We need that.

So from now on,
I do my own shots.

And...I know,
there are gonna be times

when I don't feel up
to having sex,

but I also know that
you have needs.

So...

It's a sleeve...

For your penis.

It--it simulates a vagina,

you know, when the real one
isn't available.

And it comes with inserts.

There's--
there's an anus

and there's
one called "stealth,"

which you're gonna
have to tell me about.

Wanna try it?

Right--right now?

And...with you watching?

I don't know if I have
the ability to do that, honey.

Oh, I think it could be sexy.

Really?

Come here, let me
paint you a picture,

create a fantasy.

Close your eyes.

Where do you wanna be?

In a little street cafe
in Paris perhaps?

No, not Paris, too French.

How about Bruges?
I saw that in a movie.

You're in a little
street cafe in Bruges

and I'm a little tipsy,
'cause we're--

we're deep into our
second bottle of wine.

Third bottle.

Maybe you're getting
a little sloppy, I think.

- Yeah, I am.
- Yeah.

- And you're making me laugh.
- Really?

You're making me laugh so hard.

I'm getting so turned on.

- Really?
- And I'm wearing a skirt--

a really short skirt.

I'm kinda spilling out
of my top

and you're refilling
my glass of wine and--

and I hand you something.

What is it?

My underwear.

Jesus, when did those come off?

I want you, Paul.
I want you so bad.

- I want you right now.
- Oh, God.

I want you to take me
into the ladies' room

- and fuck me.
- Up against the wall.

- I'm gonna fuck you.
- Yeah.

That's it.
I love that.

Oh, make it rough.

- Holy shit.
- Screw the sleeve.

- Do me.
- For real?

- Or are we still in Bruges?
- Oh.

Mm.

Oh, I'm gonna fuck you.

- Oh!
- Ah!

Ah!

Jeez.
Oh, God.

Ah!

- Oh, honey! Oh!
- Shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Oh!

- Oh, God.
- Ah.

- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.

Oh, that sleeve.
It's awesome.

Andrea.

I have to talk to you
about what happened earlier.

Mrs. Jamison and I
already talked about it

and it's probably best to just
leave it at that.

Yeah, but here's the problem.

Cathy felt very strongly
that in the spirit of honesty

I call your parents
and tell them what happened.

What?
You don't need to do that.

Well, I did.
And believe me, I wish I didn't,

'cause your mother
and father were not happy.

- Oh, shit.
- They've changed their minds

about letting you stay here.

They want you to
go to Ghana, I'm sorry.

What?

But it was an accident!

- Can't we just--
- I told them that I would

put you on a plane...
tomorrow...

Non-stop,
Minneapolis to...

♪ Gullible town ♪

Oh, you're good.

You got me.

- Psych.
- Good one.

That's some mean shit, Mr. J.

Don't mess.

First one's free.

Heh.