The Big C (2010–2013): Season 1, Episode 5 - Blue-Eyed Iris - full transcript

I'm sorry. I think I was next in line.

I didn't see you.

That's weird. I was standing right here.

Listen, I'm a little pressed for time.

Do you mind if I just pay for my stuff
real quick, and be on my way? Thanks.

Hey. What the hell are you doing?

Sorry, I'm a little pressed for time, too.
I have cancer.

So would you mind getting your shit
off the counter

so I can buy my irises
and plant them before I die?

Thanks.

Adam! Come help unload the car!



Hello, would you please come...

Jesus, Mom, get out! Mom, get out!

- Go away, get out!
- I'm sorry.

I can pretend that I didn't see what I just saw,
but I'm not going to.

You were obviously watching pornography,
and I think we should talk about it.

What?

I know you're going through
a lot of changes right now.

You must have a lot of questions.

- No, I don't.
- Come on.

There is nothing
for you to be embarrassed about.

I may be your mother,
but I'm not a total prude.

- Wait, Mom, what are you doing?
- Opening the lines of communication.

Well, they certainly didn't
waste any time there, did they?

Usually, a woman likes a little tenderness
before reaching this point.



Okay, these are fake.

Breasts this shape and size
do not exist in the real world.

- Oh, God!
- No, no, and I hope that you realise,

I mean, the only reason
that she is moaning right now

is because she's getting paid to.

Because believe you me,

no woman likes having
three men hit her in the face

-with their ejaculating penises.
- Okay, Mom, please!

- Can you just leave me alone now?
- Well, no.

- Thank you.
- Apparently, I can't.

Because if I do, you're gonna sit in this room
and you're gonna watch porn all day,

and that just isn't appropriate for children.

Mom, I'm not a fucking child!

Do not say "fucking"!

Jesus!

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Sorry I'm late. I got stuck at work.

Doing what? Swabbing the deck?

Nice. Mock my pain.

This eye patch happens to be covering up
a very manly sports injury.

I told you,
you were going to get hurt playing rugby.

Really? Well, thank you, Claire... Voyant.

Can I get a couple of waters, please?
Thank you.

Amazing.

I've tried to get that guy's attention, like,
three times before, and he ignores me.

And there was this woman earlier today
who butted in front of me in line.

What am I? Am I invisible or something?

I think I'm gonna get the pulled-pork pozole.

So, what was it that you so desperately
needed to talk to me about?

- I caught Adam watching porn.
- Holy shit! What did you do?

- I talked to him.
- Terrible move.

I know, it sucked.

Like the girl in the video,
on multiple penises.

And Adam did not appreciate
my informative commentary.

Did you just say
that you watched porn with our son?

Oh. my God!

- You have officially scarred him for life.
- I know, I know.

It's not funny. But seriously, I think
he might be a little obsessed or something.

You should see
the recent history on his computer.

There were hundreds of porn sites listed.

No, I don't even know
where he found them all.

It's not that hard, honey.

You just gotta Google, you know,
the word "sex," or...

Oh. my God!

You don't think that Adam is having sex,
do you?

- He's only... He's 14.
- He's not having sex.

I think the larger issue here is that
you watched porn with our son

when you never would with me.

Excuse me for not being a fan of the genre
that objectifies and degrades women.

Did it ever occur to you
that some women might enjoy...

- Come on!
-...occasionally being seen as sexual objects.

- That is such bullshit male logic.
- Of course, you'd say that

because the idea that somebody
would actually invite that kind of attention

is completely foreign to you.

And I need to honour that.
I need to honour that, and I do,

it's not in your nature
to be at the centre of anything.

You're more of a nurturing,
behind-the-scenes type of person.

And I support the texture of your feelings.

What the hell are you talking about?

Look, Angela may have bad breath,
but she does say some very astute things.

And she thinks that the reason
that we're drawn to each other as a couple

is because we're such opposites, in that way.

You know, I like to stand out,
you like to blend in.

All right, your therapist
is really starting to piss me off.

Come on, Cathy. You won't even wear skirts

'cause you don't want
people looking at your legs.

Angela says that in the best relationships,

there can only be one person in the spotlight
at any given time.

That's why we work so well together.

But we don't work well together.

That's why we're living apart.

Jesus. Sean! You scared the crap out of me.

God, and what died inside of you?

It looked like
you were about to tongue that flower.

I was just admiring it. Isn't it stunning?

Like it was designed by nature
just to be looked at.

No, it was designed to attract bees.

Until we killed all the bees
with our pesticides

and our chemically treated fertilisers.

Why are you here, Sean?

The building I squat in
is about to be demolished.

And the city pricks won't let me in their
office to reason with them

because they think I'm some crazy,
homeless freak-0.

Sounds accurate.

Anyway, I looked into
their ridiculously flawed budget plan,

and I found some info
that could save the building.

So here, be a dear
and make me three copies of these.

Wow!

Those one-and-a-half years
of business school are finally paying off.

I know. Dad would be so proud.

I figure all I have to do is go in there
dressed like a yuppie douchebag,

and they'll hear me out.

And since the only yuppie douchebag
I know is Paul, can I borrow one of his suits?

I doubt Paul would appreciate me
lending you any of his things.

Lucky for you, I don't care
what he thinks right now, so have at it.

- What's up, Uncle Sean?
- Hi, honey...

- Hey, man, what's up?
- Not much.

Hi, honey.

Shut down!

That kid really doesn't like you, does he?

Shut up, Sean.

Can I come in?

Like I have a choice?

I am sorry for the way I acted yesterday.

I screwed up.

And you're right.

You're not a child any more,
and I need to stop treating you like one.

So, I want to give you these.

Jesus, Mom, I'm not doing that.

- You're not?
- No.

Why do you always have to make
everything so weird?

I'm sorry. I don't mean to make things weird.
I just want to make sure that you're okay.

And even if you're not doing, you know,
this right now,

which is really, really awesome
and incredibly smart of you,

look, I know it's just a matter of time
before girls start throwing themselves at you.

And I guess, I get worried because

I may not be around to meet all of them.

Well, thank God!

Listen, I know I'm probably not
your first choice to talk to about girl stuff,

but if you have any questions
about anything,

you know you can always come to me, right?

Yes, dear.

Good.

But can I just tell you,
when you do start dating,

you should know that women don't care
so much about the sex stuff.

I mean, they care.

I mean, it's... Feels good and everything.

And it's definitely an important part
of any healthy relationship,

-especially the foreplay.
- Mom, you're making things weird again.

I'm sorry.

I just mean that

sex isn't as important to us gals
as other things.

Like, you noticing us.

You making us feel special.

Because the thing is, women like attention.

Even if they act like they don't.

Even if they say

they don't want you to make a big fuss
about Valentine's Day or their birthday,

deep down, they really wish you would.

And if you're ever out on a first date,
and you find that it's going,

you know, there,

and if you feel that you could
totally score with her

or whatever you guys call it now,
just slow down.

Because no matter what,

a woman always wants to feel like
she's worth waiting for.

- You know what I mean?
- Not really.

But can this conversation
please be over now?

Yes, it can be over.

Sweet.

So can the man sing, or can he sing?

He's all right.

All right?

That is Joe King you're talking about,
young lady.

That's his name? Joe King?
Please tell me you're "jo-king".

Well, you can laugh all you want,
but the man is a legend.

And I see you're getting your little groove on
over there as well.

Was not.

But I was watching you shake your thing.

You got a mighty fine ass on you,
painter man.

Hey. Now that... You shouldn't be talking
to a man three times your age like that.

Okay? It's not very nice.

Who says I'm nice?

Andrea.

In class. Now, please.

- It's really corny.
- Yeah, well, I didn't design it.

But I do like what it has to say.

- It's positive.
- Yeah, real positive.

And then all those dreams
get crushed by reality.

Let me get that for you.

Look like you got your hands full.

Nothing I can't handle.

Hey, scumbag!

Put back whatever you're stealing
from this house, or lose an arm, your choice.

I'm not stealing anything.

Trust me,
there's nothing in this house I want.

Baloney. You were gonna take that bag.

And I saw you throw another one
on your crap heap out there.

I'm just collecting my sister's recycling.

I swear. See?

Cathy's your sister?

- Sadly.
- Prove it.

Well, I destroyed all forms of personal ID,

so as to avoid
Big Brother tracking my every move,

but I can tell you that my sister has
never met a pair of khakis she didn't like.

She sneaks cigarettes
when she doesn't think anybody's looking

and she can be a real sarcastic bitch
in the morning.

And pretty much the rest of the day, too.

Can't argue with that.

So what are you, homeless or something?

No. No. I choose to live off the land.
There is a difference.

What's with the fat suit?

Does it really look that bad?

Take off that jacket and turn around.

That'll work. Come over to my place.

Okay. I am guaranteeing an automatic A

to anyone who reads this pamphlet
and then writes me an essay

explaining why
teenage pregnancy is a crappy idea.

But what does this assignment
have to do with American history?

I don't know, Kristin. Take the stick out.
I'd said you'd get an A.

Hey, does that crack bother you?

'Cause I can fix it if you want.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- That would be great.
- Yeah. I'll add it to my list.

Do that.

Okay. Nice skirt, by the way. Yeah, suits you.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.
You like my sweet, shaved pussy, don't you?

- Yeah.
- Lick it, baby.

Oh, just like that, yeah.

So fucking hot.

Mrs Jamison?

Andrea,
what are you doing out of your seat?

I just wanted to tell you,

that you'd better have tons of cash ready
for this week's weigh-in

because I am swimming in these jeans.

I've been jogging at the park after school
every day.

Good for you.
I'm glad to see you're finally motivated.

Yeah, real motivated.

Well, thanks for the warning, I'll make sure
that I get to an ATM before Friday.

Cool.

And you should take off your glasses
next time you wanna watch that shit.

That's quite a bit of mail you got here,
Marlene.

Don't mess up the order
of my Lillian Vernon catalogues.

Okay.

- Wow, check those out.
- They were my husband's.

I meant to get rid of them after he passed,
but I never got around to it.

From the width of you,
I'd say you two were about the same build.

- If they fit, you should take them.
- Really?

Wow.

This is awesome.

The stitching along these edges is killer.

That was one of Eddie's favourites.

He used to wear it
whenever we'd go out dancing.

You like to dance, Marlene?

Because I happen to have
quite the fancy foot.

- Did you just put your hand on my ass.
- I was feeling Eddie.

No, you were feeling me.
Watch yourself, homeless man.

I don't know what my problem is,
but for some reason,

I always laugh when I'm nervous.

It's a tic. This is...

I don't even know why I'm doing this.
I mean, this is so not me.

Just try to relax.

I'm very fast.

Okay, okay. Okay, that wasn't so bad.

Jesus.

God, how do women do this all the time.

I mean, it's so unbearable.

Oh, please. Please, tell me that you're

almost done.

Really?

You're putting wax there?

God!

Okay, I'm gonna stop talking now.

Okay, all done.

See?

Wow!

That really demands attention, doesn't it?

Yeah, very sexy. Who is the lucky guy?

There is no lucky guy.

Sorry. Who is the lucky girl?

Me.

So this is fun, huh?
Meeting your old dad for lunch?

Yeah, it's been great.

Get enough to eat?

- You sure?
- Yeah.

- You can get an ice cream or something.
- I'm good.

Good.

- How's everything at home? Okay?
- It's fine.

Yeah, you getting along with your mom
all right?

Yeah, I guess.

Half the time, I don't even know
what the hell she's talking about.

That's because your mother is a woman.

And women, unlike men,
never say what they mean.

They're annoyingly complicated that way.

- That's a cute dog.
- Yeah.

Sean?

Hiya, sis. You got those copies for me?
I really need to get this show on the road.

Am I in some alternate reality?

Where did you get that briefcase
and that suit?

Old lady across the street from you.

Marlene? Why would she do that?

Well, I think she might have the hots for me,
which, who can blame her?

In fact,
if we were just a little bit closer in age,

I might even get in there.

That old gal's still got a pretty tight ass.

I can't get over how different you look.

Why are you walking like you got a potato
chip up your butt you don't wanna crack?

I got waxed down there for the first time.

Could you please not talk about
the state of your vagina with me?

I'm a very visual person.

I also happen to think
waxing's incredibly gauche.

I'm all about the big bush,
as nature intended.

I know, I used to think women who waxed
were self-hating anti-feminists,

but I get the allure.

Makes me feel powerful.
I kind of wanna show it off.

Well, don't show it to me.
I'd rather not go blind before my meeting.

Hey. Stop staring at my titties.
I'm trying to jog.

Wait, wait, what?
No, no, I'm not staring at anything.

How come your face is getting all red?

I bet you never seen titties as fine as these,
have you?

Yes, I have. And way bigger.

I bet you never touched any, though.

So? I could if I wanted to.

You wanna touch mine?

- Shut up.
- You can.

I'm serious. Touch them.

No, no. You don't want me to do that.

Go back to playing with your little ball.
Let me jog in peace.

- Can I help you, sir?
- I'm sure you can.

My name is Mr Tolkey.

And I'm here to see someone regarding
the property on Hennepin and Fourth.

Okay.

I don't see you on the schedule.
Did you have an appointment?

Not an official one, no.

But what I have to say
will only take about five minutes,

so I'm sure you can work your magic
and slip me in.

Unfortunately, no one will see you
unless you have an appointment.

I could try to fit you in
sometime next month?

No. No, no.

You see, the bulldozers are scheduled
to knock this building down by Friday,

so it's vital that I talk to someone today.

I'm afraid that's impossible. I'm sorry.
Wish I could help.

Do you? Do you really wish you could help?

'Cause it kind of sounds like
you don't really give a shit.

Excuse me?

See, if you really wanted to fucking help,
you would take this fucking phone

and you'd tell your fucking bosses
to give me a five-minute fucking meeting.

Is there a problem here, sir?

Yeah, the problem is,

this office won't take the time
to listen to the voices of its constituents.

Well, I have a right to be heard!

There you are. I was looking for you.

You must be so bummed you can't play.

No, I love using my one good eye
to watch my buddies

have fun without me.
Really, my joy knows no bounds.

Well, if it's of any consolation,
I'm really digging your sexy pirate look.

Really?

Do I remind you of Johnny Depp
in Pirates of the Caribbean?

- That's kind of what I was going for.
- Totally.

All right, guys. Let's go.

- I guess the game's starting.
- Fuck 'em.

What do you say,
you and I make a little fun of our own?

Sure, why not?

All right.
Crank up the radio, baby, I'm coming in.

I wore a damn suit for this!

I'm taking down your badge numbers.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

I can't stop looking at you.
You're so beautiful.