The Big C (2010–2013): Season 1, Episode 6 - Taking Lumps - full transcript
During the course of their continuing sexual relationship where they do it anywhere they can on unofficial breaks during the school day, Lenny notices a lump on Cathy's lower back side. Dr. Todd's diagnosis is that the cancer is showing itself, but that it does not necessarily mean that the cancer is getting worse. As it is purely a cosmetic issue, Cathy can choose to leave the lump or have it removed. She chooses the latter, and asks the only person who knows, Marlene, to pick her up after the surgery. The lump makes Marlene try to convince Cathy to tell her family about the cancer. It makes Cathy reevaluate her sexual relationship with Lenny and think about bringing her family back together, which includes not only Paul but also Sean. She figures that entering the family into a charity bathtub race, a race they used to always participate in and enjoy, but which Cathy stopped doing because of all the work involved on her end, is a good start. Some news from Paul, and Andrea finding out about Cathy and Lenny could bring Cathy's current plans crashing down around her.
Previously on The Big C...
The reason
that we're drawn to each other as a couple
is because we're such opposites.
But we don't work well together.
That's why we're living apart.
Oh, my God. Is that Rugby Slut?
I think she prefers "Tina" now.
What do you say,
you and I make a little fun of our own?
Sure, why not?
You got a mighty fine ass on you,
painter man.
You shouldn't be talking to a man
three times your age like that.
Let me get that for you.
Nice skirt, by the way. Suits you.
You're so beautiful.
You want to learn about history?
VHS tapes,
I didn't know how many of these dinosaurs
I had sitting on my bookshelf.
Fatal Attraction.
Is Michael Douglas an innocent victim,
or is boiling the bunny his just reward
for a cheap, illicit, extramarital affair?
You just ruined it.
I'm gonna go make some photocopies.
Sure are making a lot of photocopies lately.
I've got things to duplicate.
You're missing the credits.
- What's this?
- My lower backside.
No, you have... You have a small bump.
You know,
I get these little skin cysts sometimes.
It's just nothing.
It's hereditary, actually,
so I'll make sure I get it checked out.
I realise this all isn't very sexy.
I find everything about you sexy.
Now, let's get back to work.
Meeting in my office is a little uninspired,
don't you think?
Given our last visit,
I would have expected to see you next
in a hot-air balloon, or mid-air on a trapeze.
I have a lump.
- Where?
- On my ass.
You might have a more clinical word for it,
but I didn't go to med school.
No, no we called it "ass"
when there were no patients around.
At least I did. Now, let's take a look.
Can I get you to lie down on your stomach?
Bathtub races.
We used to do the bathtub races every year.
Paul and Adam would wear matching shirts.
Paul was always so much bigger
than all the other dads.
He looked like
a giant hunched over Adam in that tub.
Paul's fast.
You wouldn't know it,
but he can really move.
Okay, you can sit up.
Well, I'm gonna need to biopsy it,
but it looks like a met, Cathy.
Meaning?
Metastasis,
which in and of itself,
doesn't necessarily mean
that the cancer's getting worse.
It just means that now you can see it.
We'll order a scan just to make sure,
but, I mean, unless it's uncomfortable,
it doesn't need to come off.
I don't want to feel this thing,
I want it to come off.
Fair enough.
Outpatient procedure. Easy stuff.
You will be sedated, so you're gonna have to
arrange to have someone pick you up
after the surgery.
When did you discover this?
This morning. Wasn't me, actually.
So you told big, fast Paul, huh?
Good for you.
What if I'm making this worse?
No, not possible.
No, I read this thing about positive thinking
and doing acts of kindness
and I've not been a very good person lately.
Cancer is the one illness
where all the patients seem to think
that they're being punished.
The fact of the matter is
this illness boils down to two factors,
genes and environment.
What if my reality is
I'm creating a bad environment for myself?
- Yes.
- Bathtub races.
- Let's do it this year.
- Mom, you made us stop doing it
because you said
they weren't worth all the trouble.
You know
how you like to crap on fun things?
No, well, I was a little overwhelmed.
You know, I had to make the snacks
and the T-shirts for the potluck afterwards.
There were all the tools that were left...
Anyway. That doesn't matter.
I was focusing on the wrong things.
Let's do it.
Well, is Dad gonna do it?
I bet he would. Sure.
Okay.
If Dad does it, I'll do it.
Good.
We call them pizza pillows,
but there isn't really a pizza part.
They're basically just English muffin
with melted cheese and salsa.
What am I gonna do with all those?
I live alone,
and I got a stomach the size of a nut.
I'm just trying to do something nice, Marlene.
Toss them out if you don't want them.
Now you got me all guilty.
- And I have a favour to ask.
- I knew it.
The pillows have strings.
- I have a lump that needs to be removed...
- Jesus. More cancer?
Yes, Marlene. I'm riddled with it.
But let's try and keep this light?
I need someone to pick me up after surgery.
You realise I'm almost 80, right?
I could die in my sleep at any time.
Before Monday?
Look, I'll do it this once, but you got to
find yourself someone younger
to be your "in case of emergency".
You're lousy with family. Pick one of them.
I'm not ready to tell them yet.
Take your time,
you might get out of it completely.
Wow!
You guys are already up and running.
Rub-a-dub-dub. Two men in a tub.
Dude, this is our year. I can feel it.
Go in there. Get me the WD-40.
We got work to do.
Okay.
Thank you for doing this.
Well, thanks for having me in my own house.
Thank you for being here.
I mean, look how happy Adam is.
And I'm happy to see you, too.
Well, okay.
I got to whip this tub into shape.
Does that mean you're too busy
for pizza pillows?
I wouldn't go that far.
You know,
you should wear skirts more often.
You really should.
Sean!
What happened to you?
Someone tried to steal my sleeping bag.
Well, then you should have given it to them.
I was trying to,
but I had to fight my way out of it first.
Okay, see, I try not to worry about you.
Then something like this happens.
The bad news is,
it's very easy to break into your back door.
The good news is,
you apparently have no duct tape
for an intruder to tie you up with.
You should not be sleeping in the street.
I was in the park,
and I think I just have a cracked rib or three.
If you could just wrap me real tight in...
Here, careful.
...some packing tape or electrical tape,
some kind of sturdy tape.
I know how much you love to wrap things.
You could even put a bow on me
if it'll give you an extra thrill.
- Let me take you to the hospital.
- Oh, no.
They don't do anything
about cracked ribs anyway.
They just tape them up. So tape them up.
Okay.
I will help you, but only if you promise
to stay here for a few days,
so I can keep an eye on you.
- I'm fine.
- I'm not.
I want to take care of you.
Please, let me do that.
Well, I won't sleep in the house.
Then sleep in the yard.
- Deal.
- Deal.
- Dad, these wheels suck.
- Don't say "suck".
Say, "These wheels
fall below my expectations."
You sound like Mom now.
It's not a bad thing.
Your mom has a wonderful vocabulary.
Sean's been in a little accident,
so he's gonna stay with us for a few days.
Yeah, just until my double vision goes away.
Although, for some reason,
I'm seeing four of Paul.
That's so weird, because for some reason,
I'm smelling three of you.
Stop it. Be nice to each other, please.
Adam, go help Sean unload the cart.
It's in the back.
Too bad they don't have shopping cart races.
I don't do organised sports.
They promote unhealthy competition and...
So, Sean can stay in my house, and I can't?
If it's any consolation,
he's sleeping in the yard.
It'll be a small consolation if it rains, a lot.
Help me out here.
I love him, and I'm worried about him.
Exactly. That's what I can't stand.
He upsets you.
Imagine if somebody was making me feel like
a nervous wreck every second of every day.
Oh, wait. That's you!
I'm sorry, Paul.
I'm trying. I really am.
Well, thank you for trying.
Come on, we're late.
I can still smell you on me.
What's wrong?
Look, I don't know what I was thinking.
I don't do this.
I don't have sex with guys I barely know.
In classrooms or behind stages.
- I'm married.
- I know.
You're wearing a wedding ring.
And that doesn't bother you?
It would bother me more if I couldn't see you.
Look, I can't cheat on my husband.
I mean, he's not a perfect guy,
but he's a good guy.
He would never think of doing this to me,
and now I've done that to him.
And I don't want to be that woman.
And now I'm that woman.
I want to be better than that woman.
Hey, it's all right,
I don't want to be the bloke
to make you feel like that woman.
Thank you.
You're sweet.
I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.
And I hope it's not presumptuous of me
to say that.
I've really enjoyed our time together and...
I mean, I don't have a lot to compare it to,
but you...
You have a great
unit.
Well, that's good to know.
Hey, look. If you ever need anything, okay?
Anything.
A conversation, coffee
or a bloke with a big unit, you call me.
Okay?
I would have been happy to have
made you a real lunch, you know?
You don't have to eat the weeds out my yard.
Hey, there are more super nutrients
in my lunch
than in any of your yuppie salad bars.
And they're not marinated
in the sweat of uninsured farm workers.
That's just not fair.
You're innocently sleeping,
and someone beat you up.
Shit happens. Life's not fair.
But don't you at least want to believe
that it can be?
I mean, otherwise,
what kind of rules do we have to live by?
Do you believe in karma?
I believe we are all cosmically linked.
If you screw with the earth,
the earth will screw with you.
And you have, and it is.
I want to try and make us a real family again.
Not like the old family,
but a new, better family.
Is that why you have such a hard-on
for this bathtub extravaganza?
Just don't be such an asshole with Paul.
That's gonna be hard,
we have so little in common.
Yeah. He eats regular food.
And a lot of it.
Hello, protein.
Oh, God.
My brother's dating a white girl.
Is that right?
What do you think about that?
What do you think about that?
Do you prefer white women or black women?
Don't you ever talk about anything
like the weather?
Algebra?
'Cause you could get both.
It's just a matter of
whether you want to betray the race or not.
It's warmer today than it was yesterday.
Things are heating up.
What kind of wine goes well
with a chocolate fountain?
Beer.
I know it seems a little over the top,
but I really want to do this party up right.
You are doing it up right, let me tell you.
Here. Family high five.
Hey, man.
You guys are weird.
I'm going to Brent's.
Later.
Thank you for doing this with Adam.
Yeah, he's into it.
He told me he thought it was cool.
"Cool" is huge.
"Cool" is the pantheon of parenting.
You're a good dad.
- You're cool.
- Thank you, Catherine.
Here.
Oh, boy.
- Hold on.
- Oh, dear.
Oh, yeah.
- You've got chocolate on your mouth.
- I got it.
Hey, I can do that myself.
I've been working on my grown-up skills.
I got it.
I got it.
Hi, Paul.
Hi, Cathy.
- Flip over.
- No.
I like it like this.
I want to look at you.
Okay.
This is so queer, Mom.
- Shit.
- Mom said "shit".
Nice.
Explain to me why I just paid $10
to watch people sit in their clothes
in their bathtub?
Like you had any other big, fun plans
to fill your day.
Good point.
I'll take that bottle when you're done with it.
Don't bend over.
Your ribs will grow back all funny.
Racers, please get ready for the race.
- Dad, they're lining up. Let's go.
- Please, ladies and gentlemen,
- clear the way...
- Let's do this thing.
... as our racers will be taking their places.
Wait! Wait! Let Marlene take one photo.
I was just getting comfortable.
- Okay.
- What the hell do I do with this?
You press right there.
- Okay.
- Sean?
Okay. Quick one. Quick one.
Do you have us all?
We've got a million pictures. Can we just...
No, I want a picture.
Trust me. You're gonna want one, too.
- It's a beautiful moment.
- Jesus, Mom.
Don't say "Jesus".
- Thank you, Paul.
- Okay, push the button.
Push the button now, Marlene.
Back off.
- Finally.
- Hey, hey.
Look. It's all mental.
If you know only yourself,
you may or may not win.
If you know yourself and your enemy,
you can win 100 battles without a single loss.
Cool.
Great.
Seems like you got a decent family to me.
I'm sure they can handle anything
you throw at 'em.
My surgery's tomorrow.
Can't I just have fun today?
Can't I just enjoy the moment?
See the people I love smiling
big smiles without having it all ruined?
I mean, I refuse to believe
that makes me a bad person.
- I didn't say that.
- Well, then stop telling me to tell them.
Where are the Hippies?
The Hip Hippies?
Please come to where you're supposed to be.
You're kidding me, right?
I'll be right back.
Hey.
We're having a party at the house later.
I'd love you to come.
Fuck off. I'm not your friend.
Racers, is everybody ready?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Go, Drain Gang!
On your marks, get set.
You're going down, Alex.
Come on, Dad.
You're so going down!
Yes!
Yeah, baby. That's right, baby.
Testing, testing.
Adam Jamison, can you give us a few words
about your victory today?
In order to win,
you have to believe you have already won.
Very philosophical.
Paul Jamison,
do you have anything to add to that?
I just want to dedicate this to the woman
behind the man.
Cathy Jamison, without you,
we wouldn't be here today.
And as for the rest of you,
you're a bunch of losers!
I had this great doll house furniture
when I was little,
especially the bathroom set.
I had this toilet with a little flusher
that actually flushed.
Oh, my God! I even...
I had a tiny little plunger.
I knew I should have kept them,
even though we never had a girl.
It's not too late to try for a girl, Cathy.
We could try for one. Or just buy one.
How great was today, huh?
How about last night?
I mean, this house, everything.
- It's our life.
- Yeah.
And the last few days
have just been really nice.
I know. Exactly.
And we've always been honest
with each other, right?
Yeah. Right. That's like...
That's like one of our things.
So, I have something I need to tell you,
and I don't want you to worry,
'cause it's gonna be fine.
It's gonna be fine 'cause it has to be,
and at least we have each other.
I got a hand job.
- What?
- Hand job. I got one.
Oh, God.
Feels so much better just getting it out.
- From who?
- Tina.
Rugby slut?
- Yeah.
- Why did you tell me that?
Well, because like you just said,
we're us again.
And I just felt so damn guilty
about the hand incident.
So, you told me so that you could
feel better, and I could feel worse?
I told you so we could get past it.
I was past it
when I didn't know about it, Paul.
- You're supposed to be better than this.
- It wasn't even an official hand job.
It was over my pants.
Maybe you can come to see Angela with me,
and we could have some therapy,
and we can talk about...
Don't touch me.
- Where have you guys been?
- Sorry, honey. Cake, everyone!
Cathy, come on.
Do not do this in front of Adam.
Do what?
Your mother's mad at me.
Mom, what did you do?
Cathy, I never said I was perfect.
I'm just trying to be honest like...
Okay, you need to put a piece of cake
into your pie hole and shut the fuck up.
Thanks for a real fun day, Mom.
Look, I'm out of here.
This was supposed to be
my big win-the-race party,
not a fucked-up mom party.
I mean, now my dad will never come back.
I mean, I just don't get it.
My mom used to be
just a regular, crazy mom.
Now she's a total bat-shit,
clinical crazy mom.
I mean, you hang out with her.
Why don't you tell me
what the fuck's up with her?
I don't know, dude.
People are just fucked up.
I didn't die.
You didn't die. You did really great.
That's so nice you came.
- How you feeling?
- Silly,
for going under the knife
when I didn't have to.
You know, I went out to the waiting room,
but Paul hadn't arrived yet.
- Still looking forward to meeting him.
- Yeah.
There was a hitch.
A friend of mine's gonna come pick me up.
Marlene, where are you?
You're supposed to pick me up.
Please, just call me and tell me
you haven't dropped dead yet.
No, okay, if you have dropped dead,
I'm gonna feel really bad.
That was a joke.
But just call me when you get this.
Just call me anytime. Just call me.
It's Cathy.
Thanks.
Hey.
Are you busy?
Okay?
Yeah, do you want that back a little bit?
Let's...
Okay, my love.
Where would you like to go?
Anywhere you would like to take me.
The reason
that we're drawn to each other as a couple
is because we're such opposites.
But we don't work well together.
That's why we're living apart.
Oh, my God. Is that Rugby Slut?
I think she prefers "Tina" now.
What do you say,
you and I make a little fun of our own?
Sure, why not?
You got a mighty fine ass on you,
painter man.
You shouldn't be talking to a man
three times your age like that.
Let me get that for you.
Nice skirt, by the way. Suits you.
You're so beautiful.
You want to learn about history?
VHS tapes,
I didn't know how many of these dinosaurs
I had sitting on my bookshelf.
Fatal Attraction.
Is Michael Douglas an innocent victim,
or is boiling the bunny his just reward
for a cheap, illicit, extramarital affair?
You just ruined it.
I'm gonna go make some photocopies.
Sure are making a lot of photocopies lately.
I've got things to duplicate.
You're missing the credits.
- What's this?
- My lower backside.
No, you have... You have a small bump.
You know,
I get these little skin cysts sometimes.
It's just nothing.
It's hereditary, actually,
so I'll make sure I get it checked out.
I realise this all isn't very sexy.
I find everything about you sexy.
Now, let's get back to work.
Meeting in my office is a little uninspired,
don't you think?
Given our last visit,
I would have expected to see you next
in a hot-air balloon, or mid-air on a trapeze.
I have a lump.
- Where?
- On my ass.
You might have a more clinical word for it,
but I didn't go to med school.
No, no we called it "ass"
when there were no patients around.
At least I did. Now, let's take a look.
Can I get you to lie down on your stomach?
Bathtub races.
We used to do the bathtub races every year.
Paul and Adam would wear matching shirts.
Paul was always so much bigger
than all the other dads.
He looked like
a giant hunched over Adam in that tub.
Paul's fast.
You wouldn't know it,
but he can really move.
Okay, you can sit up.
Well, I'm gonna need to biopsy it,
but it looks like a met, Cathy.
Meaning?
Metastasis,
which in and of itself,
doesn't necessarily mean
that the cancer's getting worse.
It just means that now you can see it.
We'll order a scan just to make sure,
but, I mean, unless it's uncomfortable,
it doesn't need to come off.
I don't want to feel this thing,
I want it to come off.
Fair enough.
Outpatient procedure. Easy stuff.
You will be sedated, so you're gonna have to
arrange to have someone pick you up
after the surgery.
When did you discover this?
This morning. Wasn't me, actually.
So you told big, fast Paul, huh?
Good for you.
What if I'm making this worse?
No, not possible.
No, I read this thing about positive thinking
and doing acts of kindness
and I've not been a very good person lately.
Cancer is the one illness
where all the patients seem to think
that they're being punished.
The fact of the matter is
this illness boils down to two factors,
genes and environment.
What if my reality is
I'm creating a bad environment for myself?
- Yes.
- Bathtub races.
- Let's do it this year.
- Mom, you made us stop doing it
because you said
they weren't worth all the trouble.
You know
how you like to crap on fun things?
No, well, I was a little overwhelmed.
You know, I had to make the snacks
and the T-shirts for the potluck afterwards.
There were all the tools that were left...
Anyway. That doesn't matter.
I was focusing on the wrong things.
Let's do it.
Well, is Dad gonna do it?
I bet he would. Sure.
Okay.
If Dad does it, I'll do it.
Good.
We call them pizza pillows,
but there isn't really a pizza part.
They're basically just English muffin
with melted cheese and salsa.
What am I gonna do with all those?
I live alone,
and I got a stomach the size of a nut.
I'm just trying to do something nice, Marlene.
Toss them out if you don't want them.
Now you got me all guilty.
- And I have a favour to ask.
- I knew it.
The pillows have strings.
- I have a lump that needs to be removed...
- Jesus. More cancer?
Yes, Marlene. I'm riddled with it.
But let's try and keep this light?
I need someone to pick me up after surgery.
You realise I'm almost 80, right?
I could die in my sleep at any time.
Before Monday?
Look, I'll do it this once, but you got to
find yourself someone younger
to be your "in case of emergency".
You're lousy with family. Pick one of them.
I'm not ready to tell them yet.
Take your time,
you might get out of it completely.
Wow!
You guys are already up and running.
Rub-a-dub-dub. Two men in a tub.
Dude, this is our year. I can feel it.
Go in there. Get me the WD-40.
We got work to do.
Okay.
Thank you for doing this.
Well, thanks for having me in my own house.
Thank you for being here.
I mean, look how happy Adam is.
And I'm happy to see you, too.
Well, okay.
I got to whip this tub into shape.
Does that mean you're too busy
for pizza pillows?
I wouldn't go that far.
You know,
you should wear skirts more often.
You really should.
Sean!
What happened to you?
Someone tried to steal my sleeping bag.
Well, then you should have given it to them.
I was trying to,
but I had to fight my way out of it first.
Okay, see, I try not to worry about you.
Then something like this happens.
The bad news is,
it's very easy to break into your back door.
The good news is,
you apparently have no duct tape
for an intruder to tie you up with.
You should not be sleeping in the street.
I was in the park,
and I think I just have a cracked rib or three.
If you could just wrap me real tight in...
Here, careful.
...some packing tape or electrical tape,
some kind of sturdy tape.
I know how much you love to wrap things.
You could even put a bow on me
if it'll give you an extra thrill.
- Let me take you to the hospital.
- Oh, no.
They don't do anything
about cracked ribs anyway.
They just tape them up. So tape them up.
Okay.
I will help you, but only if you promise
to stay here for a few days,
so I can keep an eye on you.
- I'm fine.
- I'm not.
I want to take care of you.
Please, let me do that.
Well, I won't sleep in the house.
Then sleep in the yard.
- Deal.
- Deal.
- Dad, these wheels suck.
- Don't say "suck".
Say, "These wheels
fall below my expectations."
You sound like Mom now.
It's not a bad thing.
Your mom has a wonderful vocabulary.
Sean's been in a little accident,
so he's gonna stay with us for a few days.
Yeah, just until my double vision goes away.
Although, for some reason,
I'm seeing four of Paul.
That's so weird, because for some reason,
I'm smelling three of you.
Stop it. Be nice to each other, please.
Adam, go help Sean unload the cart.
It's in the back.
Too bad they don't have shopping cart races.
I don't do organised sports.
They promote unhealthy competition and...
So, Sean can stay in my house, and I can't?
If it's any consolation,
he's sleeping in the yard.
It'll be a small consolation if it rains, a lot.
Help me out here.
I love him, and I'm worried about him.
Exactly. That's what I can't stand.
He upsets you.
Imagine if somebody was making me feel like
a nervous wreck every second of every day.
Oh, wait. That's you!
I'm sorry, Paul.
I'm trying. I really am.
Well, thank you for trying.
Come on, we're late.
I can still smell you on me.
What's wrong?
Look, I don't know what I was thinking.
I don't do this.
I don't have sex with guys I barely know.
In classrooms or behind stages.
- I'm married.
- I know.
You're wearing a wedding ring.
And that doesn't bother you?
It would bother me more if I couldn't see you.
Look, I can't cheat on my husband.
I mean, he's not a perfect guy,
but he's a good guy.
He would never think of doing this to me,
and now I've done that to him.
And I don't want to be that woman.
And now I'm that woman.
I want to be better than that woman.
Hey, it's all right,
I don't want to be the bloke
to make you feel like that woman.
Thank you.
You're sweet.
I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.
And I hope it's not presumptuous of me
to say that.
I've really enjoyed our time together and...
I mean, I don't have a lot to compare it to,
but you...
You have a great
unit.
Well, that's good to know.
Hey, look. If you ever need anything, okay?
Anything.
A conversation, coffee
or a bloke with a big unit, you call me.
Okay?
I would have been happy to have
made you a real lunch, you know?
You don't have to eat the weeds out my yard.
Hey, there are more super nutrients
in my lunch
than in any of your yuppie salad bars.
And they're not marinated
in the sweat of uninsured farm workers.
That's just not fair.
You're innocently sleeping,
and someone beat you up.
Shit happens. Life's not fair.
But don't you at least want to believe
that it can be?
I mean, otherwise,
what kind of rules do we have to live by?
Do you believe in karma?
I believe we are all cosmically linked.
If you screw with the earth,
the earth will screw with you.
And you have, and it is.
I want to try and make us a real family again.
Not like the old family,
but a new, better family.
Is that why you have such a hard-on
for this bathtub extravaganza?
Just don't be such an asshole with Paul.
That's gonna be hard,
we have so little in common.
Yeah. He eats regular food.
And a lot of it.
Hello, protein.
Oh, God.
My brother's dating a white girl.
Is that right?
What do you think about that?
What do you think about that?
Do you prefer white women or black women?
Don't you ever talk about anything
like the weather?
Algebra?
'Cause you could get both.
It's just a matter of
whether you want to betray the race or not.
It's warmer today than it was yesterday.
Things are heating up.
What kind of wine goes well
with a chocolate fountain?
Beer.
I know it seems a little over the top,
but I really want to do this party up right.
You are doing it up right, let me tell you.
Here. Family high five.
Hey, man.
You guys are weird.
I'm going to Brent's.
Later.
Thank you for doing this with Adam.
Yeah, he's into it.
He told me he thought it was cool.
"Cool" is huge.
"Cool" is the pantheon of parenting.
You're a good dad.
- You're cool.
- Thank you, Catherine.
Here.
Oh, boy.
- Hold on.
- Oh, dear.
Oh, yeah.
- You've got chocolate on your mouth.
- I got it.
Hey, I can do that myself.
I've been working on my grown-up skills.
I got it.
I got it.
Hi, Paul.
Hi, Cathy.
- Flip over.
- No.
I like it like this.
I want to look at you.
Okay.
This is so queer, Mom.
- Shit.
- Mom said "shit".
Nice.
Explain to me why I just paid $10
to watch people sit in their clothes
in their bathtub?
Like you had any other big, fun plans
to fill your day.
Good point.
I'll take that bottle when you're done with it.
Don't bend over.
Your ribs will grow back all funny.
Racers, please get ready for the race.
- Dad, they're lining up. Let's go.
- Please, ladies and gentlemen,
- clear the way...
- Let's do this thing.
... as our racers will be taking their places.
Wait! Wait! Let Marlene take one photo.
I was just getting comfortable.
- Okay.
- What the hell do I do with this?
You press right there.
- Okay.
- Sean?
Okay. Quick one. Quick one.
Do you have us all?
We've got a million pictures. Can we just...
No, I want a picture.
Trust me. You're gonna want one, too.
- It's a beautiful moment.
- Jesus, Mom.
Don't say "Jesus".
- Thank you, Paul.
- Okay, push the button.
Push the button now, Marlene.
Back off.
- Finally.
- Hey, hey.
Look. It's all mental.
If you know only yourself,
you may or may not win.
If you know yourself and your enemy,
you can win 100 battles without a single loss.
Cool.
Great.
Seems like you got a decent family to me.
I'm sure they can handle anything
you throw at 'em.
My surgery's tomorrow.
Can't I just have fun today?
Can't I just enjoy the moment?
See the people I love smiling
big smiles without having it all ruined?
I mean, I refuse to believe
that makes me a bad person.
- I didn't say that.
- Well, then stop telling me to tell them.
Where are the Hippies?
The Hip Hippies?
Please come to where you're supposed to be.
You're kidding me, right?
I'll be right back.
Hey.
We're having a party at the house later.
I'd love you to come.
Fuck off. I'm not your friend.
Racers, is everybody ready?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Go, Drain Gang!
On your marks, get set.
You're going down, Alex.
Come on, Dad.
You're so going down!
Yes!
Yeah, baby. That's right, baby.
Testing, testing.
Adam Jamison, can you give us a few words
about your victory today?
In order to win,
you have to believe you have already won.
Very philosophical.
Paul Jamison,
do you have anything to add to that?
I just want to dedicate this to the woman
behind the man.
Cathy Jamison, without you,
we wouldn't be here today.
And as for the rest of you,
you're a bunch of losers!
I had this great doll house furniture
when I was little,
especially the bathroom set.
I had this toilet with a little flusher
that actually flushed.
Oh, my God! I even...
I had a tiny little plunger.
I knew I should have kept them,
even though we never had a girl.
It's not too late to try for a girl, Cathy.
We could try for one. Or just buy one.
How great was today, huh?
How about last night?
I mean, this house, everything.
- It's our life.
- Yeah.
And the last few days
have just been really nice.
I know. Exactly.
And we've always been honest
with each other, right?
Yeah. Right. That's like...
That's like one of our things.
So, I have something I need to tell you,
and I don't want you to worry,
'cause it's gonna be fine.
It's gonna be fine 'cause it has to be,
and at least we have each other.
I got a hand job.
- What?
- Hand job. I got one.
Oh, God.
Feels so much better just getting it out.
- From who?
- Tina.
Rugby slut?
- Yeah.
- Why did you tell me that?
Well, because like you just said,
we're us again.
And I just felt so damn guilty
about the hand incident.
So, you told me so that you could
feel better, and I could feel worse?
I told you so we could get past it.
I was past it
when I didn't know about it, Paul.
- You're supposed to be better than this.
- It wasn't even an official hand job.
It was over my pants.
Maybe you can come to see Angela with me,
and we could have some therapy,
and we can talk about...
Don't touch me.
- Where have you guys been?
- Sorry, honey. Cake, everyone!
Cathy, come on.
Do not do this in front of Adam.
Do what?
Your mother's mad at me.
Mom, what did you do?
Cathy, I never said I was perfect.
I'm just trying to be honest like...
Okay, you need to put a piece of cake
into your pie hole and shut the fuck up.
Thanks for a real fun day, Mom.
Look, I'm out of here.
This was supposed to be
my big win-the-race party,
not a fucked-up mom party.
I mean, now my dad will never come back.
I mean, I just don't get it.
My mom used to be
just a regular, crazy mom.
Now she's a total bat-shit,
clinical crazy mom.
I mean, you hang out with her.
Why don't you tell me
what the fuck's up with her?
I don't know, dude.
People are just fucked up.
I didn't die.
You didn't die. You did really great.
That's so nice you came.
- How you feeling?
- Silly,
for going under the knife
when I didn't have to.
You know, I went out to the waiting room,
but Paul hadn't arrived yet.
- Still looking forward to meeting him.
- Yeah.
There was a hitch.
A friend of mine's gonna come pick me up.
Marlene, where are you?
You're supposed to pick me up.
Please, just call me and tell me
you haven't dropped dead yet.
No, okay, if you have dropped dead,
I'm gonna feel really bad.
That was a joke.
But just call me when you get this.
Just call me anytime. Just call me.
It's Cathy.
Thanks.
Hey.
Are you busy?
Okay?
Yeah, do you want that back a little bit?
Let's...
Okay, my love.
Where would you like to go?
Anywhere you would like to take me.