The Big C (2010–2013): Season 1, Episode 4 - Playing the Cancer Car - full transcript
Since she knows she won't reach retirement age, Cathy decides to withdraw all the funds from her retirement plan and do whatever she wants to with the money without a care. Among other things, she indulges on material goods such as an expensive bottle of champagne, which she shares with her new confidante, Marlene. But her biggest purchase is a red convertible sports car, which she can't drive since she doesn't know how to drive a stick shift. Regardless, she decides to spend the day with her new toy and Dr. Todd house hunting while pretending to be his older girlfriend. In the process, she liberates a lobster. That time with Dr. Todd shows her where her true future lies. Meanwhile, Paul, looking for something meaningful to do in his life while he's not at home, decides to head back to his school days and play rugby again. Sean, who has a toothache, refuses Cathy's offer of paying for a dental visit. Sean goes to extreme measures to deal with the tooth. And Marlene takes on the role of pretend grandmother to Adam, whether he likes it or not.
Previously on The Big C...
You're just like your dad.
Does that mean, you're going to
kick me out of the house then, too?
Call me when you give a shit again.
To tell you the truth,
I haven't told anyone about being sick.
What kind of cancer do you have?
I'm sorry. I don't understand.
The money that I've been depositing
every week for the last 20 years
into my 401(k)?
I would like to have it.
By cashing out your account
before retirement,
you'll be forfeiting nearly half your money.
It's just not recommended.
- And what is retirement age?
- Sixty-five.
Yeah, I'm gonna need that money.
I was watching Suze Orman this morning.
She was preaching that same old tired
mantra, "Save for a rainy day."
And I realised it could rain any day,
so I decided to come down here,
get my money, and just spend it.
Just spend it? On what?
I don't know.
Also, a little none of your business.
You're sure this is what you want?
Oh, no,
there's very little I'm sure of any more.
So what do you say, shall we do this?
Okay, we'll start the paperwork.
You'll have the money in your account
within the hour.
That's great, Alan, thank you.
There's something wrong with you.
Yes, I know.
That's why I'm doing this.
- Hey, sweetie, you ready to go?
- One sec.
- How was the job interview?
- I decided not to go today.
Adam, it's called a summer job
because it's summer.
I don't wanna hand out yogurt samples
in the mall for minimum wage.
Oh, you're right. You really should be
focusing on middle management.
Where'd you get that?
Dad got it for me.
Ball! Ball! Ball!
Duck, duck, duck!
What is your dad doing?
Playing rugby. And, no,
he does not know he looks ridiculous.
All right, you are not gonna sit around
and play video games all summer.
Just go wait in the car.
Paul, what are you doing?
You're gonna kill yourself.
Point seven seconds.
It's a new unsupportive record!
Rugby? Why are you doing this?
Because it's fun, and I want to.
You're a 45-year-old man
who bruises like a peach.
You wear a knee brace under your Dockers.
Can't kick me out of the house
and tell me what to do,
so figure it out, Cath.
All right, and this?
If Adam wants a video game,
he can get a job and buy it himself.
Or he could wait until he's 65
and do whatever he wants with his money.
But you are not allowed to be
the popular parent.
Look, I got my son, who I miss, a present.
Okay, I'm sorry if I missed the acceptable
gift chapter in the banned parent handbook.
Oh, my God. Is that Rugby Slut?
I think she prefers "Tina" now.
She dated, and I use that term loosely,
the entire rugby team,
like, 20 years ago.
And here she is, still at it,
camel toe and all?
She's a fan, Cath.
It's not a crime to like something.
You should try it sometime.
Cathy Jamison. Oh, I knew that was you.
It's good to see you.
Wow, you haven't changed a bit.
I wish I could just find that one look
that worked for me and just stick with it.
I see you're still supporting the rugby team.
Oh, yeah, what can I say? I love it!
And it's great to see Paulie back at it.
Paulie?
Oh, right. Paul. Paulie.
Mom, come on, let's go! Come on!
Hey, how do you like your car?
'Cause I was looking at one of those,
but then my sister said it's a mom car.
But, of course, you're a mom, so...
It's really good to see you, Tina.
Hey, you, too.
You're crazy.
Am I?
I'm dying, Marlene.
401(k)'s are for people who get to spend
their retirement money on Alaskan cruises
and taking RV's across the country.
Well, what about me? What do I get?
A hangover from this foo-foo bubbly drink.
Hey, this is a $450 bottle of champagne.
It's the best there is.
I always wanted to know
what expensive champagne tasted like.
Now I do.
I never saw the point in spending money
on stuff that didn't last.
My husband, Eddie,
had a hard-on for tropical fish.
Had a big old tank
and spent damn good money
filling it with goofy-looking fish
with fancy names.
Stupid things died about as fast
as he could get them in there.
Well, good for him, I say.
He'd sit in front of that tank
and just smile like some retarded kid.
Don't say "retarded."
Come on, Marlene.
Isn't there anything you've ever wanted
to buy for yourself just because?
- Never much thought about it, I guess.
- Well, you should.
You know what's ironic?
Here I've been this coupon-cutting saver,
and yet I've raised a lazy son
who's never even had a summer job.
Sometimes kids just need
a swift kick in the pants.
Well, I'm running out of time
for kicks in the pants.
And what time we do have,
I'd rather not spend screaming
and slamming doors in each other's faces.
What the hell is that?
It's my RV!
Sean!
Sean, what are you doing here?
Recycling your recycling.
By the way, this kind of plastic
doesn't break down, sorry.
Things don't get recycled 'cause
you feel guilty throwing them in the trash.
Oh, my sweet Satan, is this weapon yours?
Yep, I just bought it.
Just walked onto a lot and bought it.
I wanted to do something...
How you doing, gas whore?
...Impulsive. Do you understand?
You feeling good about yourself, gas whore?
This is the first major purchase
that I have made
without consulting Consumer Reports
for three months beforehand
and then agonising that I'd made a mistake
for three months afterwards.
Wait a minute.
Why are you here in my neighbourhood?
You've never recycled my recyclables.
Did you come here to see me?
Are you in need of a sis fix?
Oh, so I came to visit my sister,
so fucking sue me.
Oh, relax. You know I always love to see...
- Oh, God!
- What? What's wrong?
Oh, my tooth's screwed up.
That's not good.
Go to my dentist. I'll pay for it.
No, thank you.
Seriously, Sean, it could be infected.
Oh, it's definitely infected.
- You should smell what I taste.
- Sexy.
I'm sure Daphne wants you to see a dentist.
She doesn't care. We broke up.
She got all weepy on me
and wanted to be exclusive.
But it's cool. It's cool.
Got a couple other fish on the line,
I'm just not ready to throw back.
- Just go to the dentist, Sean.
- No!
I'm not gonna suddenly buy into the system
because I'm experiencing
some minor discomfort.
When the illegal immigrant
who has to choose between
a trip to the doctor and feeding her kids
can go, I'll think about it.
Still scared of the dentist, huh?
I'm not scared, Cathy.
- I'm righteous and indignant.
- Fine,
whatever you need to tell yourself.
Now just step away from the car.
You let me enjoy my frivolous purchase.
I didn't know you knew how to drive a stick.
Stick? Shit.
Learn to drive!
So, what, we're taking our appointments
at Cap'n Red's Lobster Grill now, huh?
I'm sorry. I have a new car,
and this parking lot
is a lot easier to park in than your structure.
And cheaper, I might add.
Let's get you a drink.
The house Chardonnay,
it's a little stale but fruity,
if you're into fruity.
I can't. I have appointments this afternoon.
How are you feeling? Any pain?
Normal appetite?
Starving!
I brought your latest blood results.
Everything looks stable, so...
You are putting me off my lunch.
You gonna whip out your stethoscope
and listen to my heart, too?
I was gonna, but we can skip it.
Can't we be a little less doctor-patient
and a little more,
"Did you see our server's bangs?"
I mean, come on, give me something juicy.
Did you tell anyone they were dying today?
Did they cry?
That's a little dark, don't you think?
I'm sorry.
It's just that other people's bad news
makes me feel better.
It's called...
Schadenfreude.
Yeah, I would never know that word
if it didn't totally fuck me
on the crosswords last week.
Oh, that's so sad.
That poor lobster
can hardly turn around in that tank.
Given that his next destination
is a boiling pot of water,
- I'd say he's got it pretty good.
- No, but seriously.
One day, you're crawling around the
bottom of the ocean, taking life for granted.
The next day you walk into a trap,
and you find yourself in a tiny glass prison
waiting to die.
What kind of crappy luck is that?
- Excuse me!
- Yeah?
How much is the big lobster in the tank?
And before you say anything,
I will give you $200 for him,
but I need him live.
I'm sorry,
but I'm not allowed to sell the lobsters live.
$300.
- I'm sorry, but I can't...
- She's joking.
You're joking, right?
Not so much.
If I can't have my lobster,
then I will drink to forget him.
If you keep this glass full, I will give you $50.
Yes, ma'am.
This is to get your bangs fixed.
Jesus, Cathy,
what are you doing with all that cash?
I don't know.
But the day is young.
Damn it!
Everything the salesman offered, I bought.
You know, heated seats, sure.
Navigation system, you bet.
Turbo compressor, I don't even know
what the hell that is, but why not?
What's the "hmm"?
I was just thinking.
It's common for people with terminal illness
to do impulsive things.
Like, I've heard of patients going
gorilla trekking in Africa,
or flying on a suborbital space flight,
or running with the bulls in Pamplona.
Jesus.
Dying people have great ideas.
Please don't go running with the bulls.
All right, you know,
start with something smaller,
like chickens.
You're funny.
So why a convertible?
Amanda Montgomery.
- Who?
- This girl in high school,
she was one of those perfect girls.
She drove a cherry red convertible.
Every morning
when she'd pull into the parking lot,
wearing these
impossibly-hard-to-walk-in clogs,
everything about her seemed effortless.
She had life by the balls, you know?
She knew she was gonna get
whatever she wanted.
And I bought that car
'cause I wanted to know
what it would feel like to be her.
To know that anything was possible.
I want more pie.
Where's Bangy?
Oh, shit, I'm late for an appointment.
Well, you're a doctor.
Aren't you always late for appointments?
No, I'm meeting a realtor.
- You're going house hunting?
- Yeah.
I love house hunting.
I mean, it's so... It's so voyeuristic.
Take me with you.
- I don't...
- Look, I will pay you $800.
All right, stop doing that.
So you'll take me for free?
- Yes.
- Yeah!
But just mostly so I can keep an eye on you.
Well, then, here, you drive my new car.
Just pull it around while I pee.
Last chance for a urine sample.
What? Are you...
- Cathy, did you just...
- Go!
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Hey! Get back here!
Dude, this is so cool.
I read online about this lady who had
an infected tooth and a handgun,
and she shot it out.
You want cool? I once saw a guy amping
on meth cut off his toes
'cause he thought they were eating his feet.
- Dude.
- Yeah.
P.S., buddy, don't do drugs.
Go easy with those pliers, though.
I don't want you fucking up my enamel.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
This smile gets me a lot of tail.
Since my mom took away my video game,
this is the most fun I've had all day.
All right.
Focus.
Sorry.
- Motherfucking cocksucker!
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Calm down, please, please, it's okay.
Son of a cunt fucking asslicker!
You just made it fucking worse!
I begged your parents
not to have you circumcised.
Now I wish I'd done it myself!
God damn!
Jesus, can Scarlett O'Hara
come out and play?
All right, it's a little big,
but I'm not gonna be single forever.
And by my projections, I'm hoping to double
the size of my practice in the next 10 years.
The house that cancer built.
Your own little "melahoma."
- That's terrible.
- Thank you.
Dr Mauer, it's good to see you.
- What a beautiful car.
- That's mine.
It's new.
It's a convertible, obviously.
- Vivian, this is...
- Amanda.
- Amanda Montgomery.
- Nice to meet you, Amanda.
This is great. It's always better when
a couple can tour a house together.
- No, we're not...
- Crazy about the lawn.
But we have a landscaper
who can work miracles.
Shall we?
I'm a young doctor's girlfriend.
The house dates back
to the turn of the century.
It was completely remodeled in 2009.
4, 200 square feet.
Five bedrooms.
And not that it's any of my business,
but I hope you two are planning on children.
I think we could have some kids.
There's a game room in the basement,
a wine cellar.
And, Amanda, there is closet space galore.
Lord knows I need it.
Todd is always saying to me
my closets need closets.
She loves her clothes.
Wait till you see the backyard.
There is the most gorgeous salt water pool.
Simply stunning.
The dining room.
What sort of medicine
do you practice, Dr Mauer?
He's an oncologist, summa cum laude
University of Michigan.
I saw your diploma in your office.
I also saw that picture of you
and your fraternity brothers.
It's a little gay men's chorus.
Do you work, Amanda?
I used to, but Todd's income allows me
the opportunity
to really focus on my charity work.
What kind of charity do you do?
I have a foundation
that raises money to build schools in Africa
for young women.
- How wonderful.
- It is.
You're gonna love the kitchen.
- Do you like to cook, Amanda?
- She loves it.
You know, Amanda actually spent some time
at Le Cordon Bleu.
Nice.
Viking appliances, granite countertops,
hardwood cherry cabinets
with mahogany finish.
It's beautiful.
Imagine the meals that I could cook
for you in here, Todd.
- Okay.
- Baking, boiling, steaming, poaching.
Everything hot I know you like.
There's a walk-in pantry in here
I think you'd like to see.
Just...
Really?
Yeah. Thank you.
Look at that.
Isn't that the most beautiful thing
you've ever seen?
That's a pool you can float in.
When I was a kid, I would lie on my back
for hours in our pool just floating,
just feeling nothing and everything.
It's like you were weightless,
and time stands still.
That would be nice, wouldn't it?
For time to stand still?
Come on. Let's go.
What's going on here?
I'm looking for this boy's parents.
- They're out. What did he do?
- He got caught trying to shoplift
a video game system from Walmart.
It's his first of fence,
so the store's not pressing charges.
Next time he won't be so lucky.
Thank you, Officer. I'll deal with him.
And you are?
- I'm his grandma.
- Wait, what?
- No, she lives...
- Hey, I'm as embarrassed to say it
as you are to hear it.
Well, it seems like you got this.
WhY'd you say you were my grandma?
I'm saving your mom from having to put up
with her pain-in-the-ass son again.
Wait, wait, so you're not gonna tell her?
- That depends.
- On what?
- On how well you clean my yard.
- Wait. What? Are you blackmailing me?
Call it what you want,
but I expect you at my house every day,
mowing, trimming, painting.
I'll pay you a fair wage,
you'll stay out of trouble.
And maybe you can buy that video game
you thought was important enough to steal.
What if I say no?
Don't make me call the cops back here
and tell them you pushed an old lady.
I'm on to your crap.
And this, of course,
is the fabulous master bedroom,
with another amazing view of the...
Your girlfriend is in the pool
with her clothes on.
Yeah.
Amanda's going through
a bit of a rough time right now.
Way to go, Paulie!
Yeah, nice one, Paulie!
You're a fucking douche bag.
What the hell are you doing here?
What, are we playing on an ancient
Indian burial ground?
Is my jersey made by toddlers in Botswana?
Are there endangered tree frogs
in the AstroTurf, you dick?
Look, I've been repressing
a lot of anger towards you,
and it's giving me haemorrhoids,
so I kind of need to purge.
Now, if at any point you want to hit me,
I get it. We both need catharsis.
Go back to your dumpster, Seanie.
Hey, fuck you, you nine-to-five,
corporate piece of shit.
You fucking waste of oxygen!
Yeah, well, you know,
now you're getting a little out of line.
You want me to shut up? Then hit me, Paulie.
But you won't, will you?
Because you're a fucking coward.
You're more than a coward, really.
You're a complete failure.
You fucked up your marriage, your life.
You turned my vibrant, quirky sister
into a miserably dull, lifeless zombie.
You're a half-ass husband,
a poor excuse for a father, a shitty...
Jeez. It's out. It's out!
It's out! Jesus, sweet relief!
- What are you talking about?
- I've had this infected tooth.
I've been trying like a motherfucker
to get it out,
but the universe was fighting me on it.
But you just got it for me, buddy. Thanks!
You're an asshole.
And no hard feelings.
You should know I didn't mean
68% of the stuff I just said.
You know, I think I swallowed it.
When it passes,
I am making you an awesome tooth necklace.
Paulie!
Paulie!
- Paulie!
- Paulie!
- Paulie!
- Paulie! Paulie! Paulie!
- Paulie! Paulie!
- Freak!
I'm sorry if I screwed anything up for you
back there.
I don't think Vivian was very pleased
that I was floating in her pool.
- I'm sure she's seen stranger things.
- You think?
No.
You're lucky, you know?
I wish I was looking for houses
and starting a new life.
I'm sorry. That was maudlin.
I always get maudlin
when I'm coming off a drunk.
I'm sorry, Cathy.
For what?
I just...
- I feel bad.
- For me?
Don't feel bad for me.
I had a great day.
I don't know. I just...
I shouldn't have more of a future than you.
But I do have a future.
His name's Adam.
Unfortunately, he's an asshole right now.
I'm banking on it being a phase.
I think it's a phase.
Don't people change when big things happen
in their lives?
Maybe he'll decide to become a doctor.
That'd be good.
I hope I get to meet him some day.
I'll invite you both to the funeral.
- Here.
- Thank you.
You should buy that house, you know?
- You think?
- Yeah.
Fill it with kids and stuff.
Well,
we'll see what Julie thinks about that.
Who's Julie?
My girlfriend.
How come you didn't tell me you had
a girlfriend when I was your girlfriend?
Careful, you damn monkey.
That's fragile.
It is great to see you back
on the field, Paulie.
Thanks. It's great to be back.
It's nice to know that I can still clot.
Way to go, platelets.
I can't believe you got into it
with that crazy guy.
There's always something so primal and sexy
about two men fighting. I don't know.
Well, violence is never the answer
to anything,
unless you win.
So, you gonna join us for beers at O'Reilly's?
Sure. Why not?
Great. I'll save you a seat.
And I will sit there.
.Okay-
.Okay-
You're just like your dad.
Does that mean, you're going to
kick me out of the house then, too?
Call me when you give a shit again.
To tell you the truth,
I haven't told anyone about being sick.
What kind of cancer do you have?
I'm sorry. I don't understand.
The money that I've been depositing
every week for the last 20 years
into my 401(k)?
I would like to have it.
By cashing out your account
before retirement,
you'll be forfeiting nearly half your money.
It's just not recommended.
- And what is retirement age?
- Sixty-five.
Yeah, I'm gonna need that money.
I was watching Suze Orman this morning.
She was preaching that same old tired
mantra, "Save for a rainy day."
And I realised it could rain any day,
so I decided to come down here,
get my money, and just spend it.
Just spend it? On what?
I don't know.
Also, a little none of your business.
You're sure this is what you want?
Oh, no,
there's very little I'm sure of any more.
So what do you say, shall we do this?
Okay, we'll start the paperwork.
You'll have the money in your account
within the hour.
That's great, Alan, thank you.
There's something wrong with you.
Yes, I know.
That's why I'm doing this.
- Hey, sweetie, you ready to go?
- One sec.
- How was the job interview?
- I decided not to go today.
Adam, it's called a summer job
because it's summer.
I don't wanna hand out yogurt samples
in the mall for minimum wage.
Oh, you're right. You really should be
focusing on middle management.
Where'd you get that?
Dad got it for me.
Ball! Ball! Ball!
Duck, duck, duck!
What is your dad doing?
Playing rugby. And, no,
he does not know he looks ridiculous.
All right, you are not gonna sit around
and play video games all summer.
Just go wait in the car.
Paul, what are you doing?
You're gonna kill yourself.
Point seven seconds.
It's a new unsupportive record!
Rugby? Why are you doing this?
Because it's fun, and I want to.
You're a 45-year-old man
who bruises like a peach.
You wear a knee brace under your Dockers.
Can't kick me out of the house
and tell me what to do,
so figure it out, Cath.
All right, and this?
If Adam wants a video game,
he can get a job and buy it himself.
Or he could wait until he's 65
and do whatever he wants with his money.
But you are not allowed to be
the popular parent.
Look, I got my son, who I miss, a present.
Okay, I'm sorry if I missed the acceptable
gift chapter in the banned parent handbook.
Oh, my God. Is that Rugby Slut?
I think she prefers "Tina" now.
She dated, and I use that term loosely,
the entire rugby team,
like, 20 years ago.
And here she is, still at it,
camel toe and all?
She's a fan, Cath.
It's not a crime to like something.
You should try it sometime.
Cathy Jamison. Oh, I knew that was you.
It's good to see you.
Wow, you haven't changed a bit.
I wish I could just find that one look
that worked for me and just stick with it.
I see you're still supporting the rugby team.
Oh, yeah, what can I say? I love it!
And it's great to see Paulie back at it.
Paulie?
Oh, right. Paul. Paulie.
Mom, come on, let's go! Come on!
Hey, how do you like your car?
'Cause I was looking at one of those,
but then my sister said it's a mom car.
But, of course, you're a mom, so...
It's really good to see you, Tina.
Hey, you, too.
You're crazy.
Am I?
I'm dying, Marlene.
401(k)'s are for people who get to spend
their retirement money on Alaskan cruises
and taking RV's across the country.
Well, what about me? What do I get?
A hangover from this foo-foo bubbly drink.
Hey, this is a $450 bottle of champagne.
It's the best there is.
I always wanted to know
what expensive champagne tasted like.
Now I do.
I never saw the point in spending money
on stuff that didn't last.
My husband, Eddie,
had a hard-on for tropical fish.
Had a big old tank
and spent damn good money
filling it with goofy-looking fish
with fancy names.
Stupid things died about as fast
as he could get them in there.
Well, good for him, I say.
He'd sit in front of that tank
and just smile like some retarded kid.
Don't say "retarded."
Come on, Marlene.
Isn't there anything you've ever wanted
to buy for yourself just because?
- Never much thought about it, I guess.
- Well, you should.
You know what's ironic?
Here I've been this coupon-cutting saver,
and yet I've raised a lazy son
who's never even had a summer job.
Sometimes kids just need
a swift kick in the pants.
Well, I'm running out of time
for kicks in the pants.
And what time we do have,
I'd rather not spend screaming
and slamming doors in each other's faces.
What the hell is that?
It's my RV!
Sean!
Sean, what are you doing here?
Recycling your recycling.
By the way, this kind of plastic
doesn't break down, sorry.
Things don't get recycled 'cause
you feel guilty throwing them in the trash.
Oh, my sweet Satan, is this weapon yours?
Yep, I just bought it.
Just walked onto a lot and bought it.
I wanted to do something...
How you doing, gas whore?
...Impulsive. Do you understand?
You feeling good about yourself, gas whore?
This is the first major purchase
that I have made
without consulting Consumer Reports
for three months beforehand
and then agonising that I'd made a mistake
for three months afterwards.
Wait a minute.
Why are you here in my neighbourhood?
You've never recycled my recyclables.
Did you come here to see me?
Are you in need of a sis fix?
Oh, so I came to visit my sister,
so fucking sue me.
Oh, relax. You know I always love to see...
- Oh, God!
- What? What's wrong?
Oh, my tooth's screwed up.
That's not good.
Go to my dentist. I'll pay for it.
No, thank you.
Seriously, Sean, it could be infected.
Oh, it's definitely infected.
- You should smell what I taste.
- Sexy.
I'm sure Daphne wants you to see a dentist.
She doesn't care. We broke up.
She got all weepy on me
and wanted to be exclusive.
But it's cool. It's cool.
Got a couple other fish on the line,
I'm just not ready to throw back.
- Just go to the dentist, Sean.
- No!
I'm not gonna suddenly buy into the system
because I'm experiencing
some minor discomfort.
When the illegal immigrant
who has to choose between
a trip to the doctor and feeding her kids
can go, I'll think about it.
Still scared of the dentist, huh?
I'm not scared, Cathy.
- I'm righteous and indignant.
- Fine,
whatever you need to tell yourself.
Now just step away from the car.
You let me enjoy my frivolous purchase.
I didn't know you knew how to drive a stick.
Stick? Shit.
Learn to drive!
So, what, we're taking our appointments
at Cap'n Red's Lobster Grill now, huh?
I'm sorry. I have a new car,
and this parking lot
is a lot easier to park in than your structure.
And cheaper, I might add.
Let's get you a drink.
The house Chardonnay,
it's a little stale but fruity,
if you're into fruity.
I can't. I have appointments this afternoon.
How are you feeling? Any pain?
Normal appetite?
Starving!
I brought your latest blood results.
Everything looks stable, so...
You are putting me off my lunch.
You gonna whip out your stethoscope
and listen to my heart, too?
I was gonna, but we can skip it.
Can't we be a little less doctor-patient
and a little more,
"Did you see our server's bangs?"
I mean, come on, give me something juicy.
Did you tell anyone they were dying today?
Did they cry?
That's a little dark, don't you think?
I'm sorry.
It's just that other people's bad news
makes me feel better.
It's called...
Schadenfreude.
Yeah, I would never know that word
if it didn't totally fuck me
on the crosswords last week.
Oh, that's so sad.
That poor lobster
can hardly turn around in that tank.
Given that his next destination
is a boiling pot of water,
- I'd say he's got it pretty good.
- No, but seriously.
One day, you're crawling around the
bottom of the ocean, taking life for granted.
The next day you walk into a trap,
and you find yourself in a tiny glass prison
waiting to die.
What kind of crappy luck is that?
- Excuse me!
- Yeah?
How much is the big lobster in the tank?
And before you say anything,
I will give you $200 for him,
but I need him live.
I'm sorry,
but I'm not allowed to sell the lobsters live.
$300.
- I'm sorry, but I can't...
- She's joking.
You're joking, right?
Not so much.
If I can't have my lobster,
then I will drink to forget him.
If you keep this glass full, I will give you $50.
Yes, ma'am.
This is to get your bangs fixed.
Jesus, Cathy,
what are you doing with all that cash?
I don't know.
But the day is young.
Damn it!
Everything the salesman offered, I bought.
You know, heated seats, sure.
Navigation system, you bet.
Turbo compressor, I don't even know
what the hell that is, but why not?
What's the "hmm"?
I was just thinking.
It's common for people with terminal illness
to do impulsive things.
Like, I've heard of patients going
gorilla trekking in Africa,
or flying on a suborbital space flight,
or running with the bulls in Pamplona.
Jesus.
Dying people have great ideas.
Please don't go running with the bulls.
All right, you know,
start with something smaller,
like chickens.
You're funny.
So why a convertible?
Amanda Montgomery.
- Who?
- This girl in high school,
she was one of those perfect girls.
She drove a cherry red convertible.
Every morning
when she'd pull into the parking lot,
wearing these
impossibly-hard-to-walk-in clogs,
everything about her seemed effortless.
She had life by the balls, you know?
She knew she was gonna get
whatever she wanted.
And I bought that car
'cause I wanted to know
what it would feel like to be her.
To know that anything was possible.
I want more pie.
Where's Bangy?
Oh, shit, I'm late for an appointment.
Well, you're a doctor.
Aren't you always late for appointments?
No, I'm meeting a realtor.
- You're going house hunting?
- Yeah.
I love house hunting.
I mean, it's so... It's so voyeuristic.
Take me with you.
- I don't...
- Look, I will pay you $800.
All right, stop doing that.
So you'll take me for free?
- Yes.
- Yeah!
But just mostly so I can keep an eye on you.
Well, then, here, you drive my new car.
Just pull it around while I pee.
Last chance for a urine sample.
What? Are you...
- Cathy, did you just...
- Go!
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Hey! Get back here!
Dude, this is so cool.
I read online about this lady who had
an infected tooth and a handgun,
and she shot it out.
You want cool? I once saw a guy amping
on meth cut off his toes
'cause he thought they were eating his feet.
- Dude.
- Yeah.
P.S., buddy, don't do drugs.
Go easy with those pliers, though.
I don't want you fucking up my enamel.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
This smile gets me a lot of tail.
Since my mom took away my video game,
this is the most fun I've had all day.
All right.
Focus.
Sorry.
- Motherfucking cocksucker!
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Calm down, please, please, it's okay.
Son of a cunt fucking asslicker!
You just made it fucking worse!
I begged your parents
not to have you circumcised.
Now I wish I'd done it myself!
God damn!
Jesus, can Scarlett O'Hara
come out and play?
All right, it's a little big,
but I'm not gonna be single forever.
And by my projections, I'm hoping to double
the size of my practice in the next 10 years.
The house that cancer built.
Your own little "melahoma."
- That's terrible.
- Thank you.
Dr Mauer, it's good to see you.
- What a beautiful car.
- That's mine.
It's new.
It's a convertible, obviously.
- Vivian, this is...
- Amanda.
- Amanda Montgomery.
- Nice to meet you, Amanda.
This is great. It's always better when
a couple can tour a house together.
- No, we're not...
- Crazy about the lawn.
But we have a landscaper
who can work miracles.
Shall we?
I'm a young doctor's girlfriend.
The house dates back
to the turn of the century.
It was completely remodeled in 2009.
4, 200 square feet.
Five bedrooms.
And not that it's any of my business,
but I hope you two are planning on children.
I think we could have some kids.
There's a game room in the basement,
a wine cellar.
And, Amanda, there is closet space galore.
Lord knows I need it.
Todd is always saying to me
my closets need closets.
She loves her clothes.
Wait till you see the backyard.
There is the most gorgeous salt water pool.
Simply stunning.
The dining room.
What sort of medicine
do you practice, Dr Mauer?
He's an oncologist, summa cum laude
University of Michigan.
I saw your diploma in your office.
I also saw that picture of you
and your fraternity brothers.
It's a little gay men's chorus.
Do you work, Amanda?
I used to, but Todd's income allows me
the opportunity
to really focus on my charity work.
What kind of charity do you do?
I have a foundation
that raises money to build schools in Africa
for young women.
- How wonderful.
- It is.
You're gonna love the kitchen.
- Do you like to cook, Amanda?
- She loves it.
You know, Amanda actually spent some time
at Le Cordon Bleu.
Nice.
Viking appliances, granite countertops,
hardwood cherry cabinets
with mahogany finish.
It's beautiful.
Imagine the meals that I could cook
for you in here, Todd.
- Okay.
- Baking, boiling, steaming, poaching.
Everything hot I know you like.
There's a walk-in pantry in here
I think you'd like to see.
Just...
Really?
Yeah. Thank you.
Look at that.
Isn't that the most beautiful thing
you've ever seen?
That's a pool you can float in.
When I was a kid, I would lie on my back
for hours in our pool just floating,
just feeling nothing and everything.
It's like you were weightless,
and time stands still.
That would be nice, wouldn't it?
For time to stand still?
Come on. Let's go.
What's going on here?
I'm looking for this boy's parents.
- They're out. What did he do?
- He got caught trying to shoplift
a video game system from Walmart.
It's his first of fence,
so the store's not pressing charges.
Next time he won't be so lucky.
Thank you, Officer. I'll deal with him.
And you are?
- I'm his grandma.
- Wait, what?
- No, she lives...
- Hey, I'm as embarrassed to say it
as you are to hear it.
Well, it seems like you got this.
WhY'd you say you were my grandma?
I'm saving your mom from having to put up
with her pain-in-the-ass son again.
Wait, wait, so you're not gonna tell her?
- That depends.
- On what?
- On how well you clean my yard.
- Wait. What? Are you blackmailing me?
Call it what you want,
but I expect you at my house every day,
mowing, trimming, painting.
I'll pay you a fair wage,
you'll stay out of trouble.
And maybe you can buy that video game
you thought was important enough to steal.
What if I say no?
Don't make me call the cops back here
and tell them you pushed an old lady.
I'm on to your crap.
And this, of course,
is the fabulous master bedroom,
with another amazing view of the...
Your girlfriend is in the pool
with her clothes on.
Yeah.
Amanda's going through
a bit of a rough time right now.
Way to go, Paulie!
Yeah, nice one, Paulie!
You're a fucking douche bag.
What the hell are you doing here?
What, are we playing on an ancient
Indian burial ground?
Is my jersey made by toddlers in Botswana?
Are there endangered tree frogs
in the AstroTurf, you dick?
Look, I've been repressing
a lot of anger towards you,
and it's giving me haemorrhoids,
so I kind of need to purge.
Now, if at any point you want to hit me,
I get it. We both need catharsis.
Go back to your dumpster, Seanie.
Hey, fuck you, you nine-to-five,
corporate piece of shit.
You fucking waste of oxygen!
Yeah, well, you know,
now you're getting a little out of line.
You want me to shut up? Then hit me, Paulie.
But you won't, will you?
Because you're a fucking coward.
You're more than a coward, really.
You're a complete failure.
You fucked up your marriage, your life.
You turned my vibrant, quirky sister
into a miserably dull, lifeless zombie.
You're a half-ass husband,
a poor excuse for a father, a shitty...
Jeez. It's out. It's out!
It's out! Jesus, sweet relief!
- What are you talking about?
- I've had this infected tooth.
I've been trying like a motherfucker
to get it out,
but the universe was fighting me on it.
But you just got it for me, buddy. Thanks!
You're an asshole.
And no hard feelings.
You should know I didn't mean
68% of the stuff I just said.
You know, I think I swallowed it.
When it passes,
I am making you an awesome tooth necklace.
Paulie!
Paulie!
- Paulie!
- Paulie!
- Paulie!
- Paulie! Paulie! Paulie!
- Paulie! Paulie!
- Freak!
I'm sorry if I screwed anything up for you
back there.
I don't think Vivian was very pleased
that I was floating in her pool.
- I'm sure she's seen stranger things.
- You think?
No.
You're lucky, you know?
I wish I was looking for houses
and starting a new life.
I'm sorry. That was maudlin.
I always get maudlin
when I'm coming off a drunk.
I'm sorry, Cathy.
For what?
I just...
- I feel bad.
- For me?
Don't feel bad for me.
I had a great day.
I don't know. I just...
I shouldn't have more of a future than you.
But I do have a future.
His name's Adam.
Unfortunately, he's an asshole right now.
I'm banking on it being a phase.
I think it's a phase.
Don't people change when big things happen
in their lives?
Maybe he'll decide to become a doctor.
That'd be good.
I hope I get to meet him some day.
I'll invite you both to the funeral.
- Here.
- Thank you.
You should buy that house, you know?
- You think?
- Yeah.
Fill it with kids and stuff.
Well,
we'll see what Julie thinks about that.
Who's Julie?
My girlfriend.
How come you didn't tell me you had
a girlfriend when I was your girlfriend?
Careful, you damn monkey.
That's fragile.
It is great to see you back
on the field, Paulie.
Thanks. It's great to be back.
It's nice to know that I can still clot.
Way to go, platelets.
I can't believe you got into it
with that crazy guy.
There's always something so primal and sexy
about two men fighting. I don't know.
Well, violence is never the answer
to anything,
unless you win.
So, you gonna join us for beers at O'Reilly's?
Sure. Why not?
Great. I'll save you a seat.
And I will sit there.
.Okay-
.Okay-