The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 19 - The Solder Excursion Diversion - full transcript

(through static):
I didn't understand your e-mail.

Uh, can you repeat that?
You're breaking up.

I didn't understand your e-mail.

Ah. Yeah, I had to get
a little creative

because the S, R and M keys
on my laptop stopped working.

"Deaw Aby,
could you pleathe dwive be

to the twain thtow
thubtibe tobowow?"

So, is that a yes?

Sheldon, why don't you get
a new computer?

You know that one's out-of-date.

Oh, but I like this computer.



The video is failing,
and the sound is cutting out.

I'm sorry, I didn't get that.

(through static):
The video is failing,

and the sound is cutting out.

I'm sorry, one more time.
The sound is cutting out.

I can't read that!

The video is failing!

(through static):
Get a new computer.

What?

(through static):
Get a new computer.

What?!

(phone rings)

Hello?

Get a new computer!



♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 9x19 ♪
The Solder Excursion Diversion
Original Air Date on March

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

This is cool.

When was the last time you
and I built something together?

Scientifically?
A little over a year ago.

LEGOs? Last week in my room.

If there was a Nobel prize
for Millennium Falcons

that fall apart when
you pick them up, we'd be set.

Hey, guys!

BOTH: Hey.

What are you doing here?

We heard there were
some sexy scientists

working hard all weekend.
Yeah,

so we brought you some lunch and
we are gonna go look for 'em.

Soup, sandwiches
and emasculation,

just like my mom
used to make.

So, how's it goin'?

Good. Slow.

There's a lot of tedious setup,
but once we get through that

it should go quicker.

Is there anything
we can do to help?

You know what,
this part isn't that technical.

You actually could.

Wow, really? Called my bluff.
All righty then.

Can we really help?

While we finish soldering
these boards, it'd be great

if you guys could wrap these
pipe fittings with Teflon tape.

I'll show you
how to do one.

Hey, w-wouldn't it be funny

if after all your years
of hard work,

I'm the one who makes
a scientific breakthrough?

He doesn't think
that's funny.

(static crackling)

(gasps)

(sighs)

(knocking)

I got here
as quickly as I could.

You're too late.

("Taps" playing)

Sheldon, this is silly.

You got emotional
when that lab monkey died.

That lab monkey told me
he loved me in sign language.

♪ ♪

("Taps" ends)

Great.

Now I'm gonna have that song
in my head all day.

Look, I'm-I'm sorry

for your loss, but I think

I have something
that might make you feel better.

I got you a new computer!

How could you do that?

Do what?

Choosing a new laptop is
an incredibly personal ritual.

You have taken away

weeks of agonizing thought,
tedious research,

sleepless nights filled
with indecision. I j...

Haven't I lost enough today?

Well, the guy at the store said
this one is great.

Oh! Oh, the guy!

Oh, pardon me.

I-I didn't realize
you'd spoken to the guy.

Yeah, tell me,

did the guy choose one
with a 4K display

and a Thunderbolt port?

Yes.
Yeah?

D-Did the guy make sure

that this has a one-terabyte
solid-state drive?

Yes.
Yeah? Oh, well,

was this guy Rick from
Computer Solutions on Colorado?

Yes.

Yeah, well,
he does know his stuff.

After you wrap the body
in reflective tape,

the ends get Teflon tape
so we can get a tight seal.

Like this? Oh.
Yeah, perfect.

And it helps to have
small, delicate fingers.

So don't be discouraged
if you can't do it as fast

as me and Howard. (chuckles)

I don't know
if we have enough solder

to finish
these circuit boards.

We had a full spool yesterday.

What can I say,

I play hard,
I solder even harder.

Sometimes he solders at home
with his shirt off.

It's like a beer commercial.

(blows, clicks tongue)

Well, we got to make a run
to the hardware store.

How can you call yourself a
scientist and run out of solder?

Well, funny story.
So, we have plenty

of the 60/40
tin-to-lead ratio solder,

but the spools look a lot
like the 63/37 tin-to...

Honey, honey,

honey, let me stop you.
That is-is not a funny story.

You want to come with us?

I'm kind of getting
into the groove here.

Yeah, you guys run

to the store and let the women
handle the science for a change.

LEONARD: Okay.

We'll be back
as soon as we can.

(clears throat)
Okay, so what...

is solder?

I suppose I should
set this up.

Or would you like
to rob me of that, too?

Knock it off or I'll start
making W-H sounds

for words
that just have a W.

You wouldn't.

"Hwatch" me.

Fine. I'm sorry.

Thank you for
the thoughtful gift.

I really do appreciate it.

As you know, I had become
attached to my old laptop.

But I'm sure, in time,
that this one will...

(gasps)
Jeepers creepers,

that started up fast!

I thought you might
like it.

Look at the 4K resolution.

Next time we Skype,
I'm gonna count

all those nostril hairs.

Or you could just look
into my eyes.

But you only have two eyes.

You got a lot of nostril hairs.

Well, you know,
as long as you're happy.

Oh.

I am. (chuckles)

And Rick said you could bring in
your old one to recycle it.

Oh. Uh, no, no, no, thank you.

Oh, but he said
you can get store credit.

Well, no, I just...
I-I don't want to recycle it.

And I don't want store credit.

But why wouldn't...

Can we please change
the subject?

O-Okay.

How 'bout we change it to why
you're being weird about this?

I'm not being weird.

I...

It's hard to explain.

Sheldon, just tell me.

It might be easier to show you.

Okay.

We'd have to take your car.

All right.

And I'm gonna need you to sign
a nondisclosure agreement.

Well, I signed one
before we slept together.

Why not now?

Penny says they're having fun
working on the prototype.

Remember when her fun was
nightclubs and drinking games?

I know. I'm lowering
the bar so slowly.

This time next year
she'll have a coin collection.

Excuse me.

You guys interested in a free
screening of an upcoming movie?

Oh. Sorry, we can't.

Well, hang on.
What movie is it?

Oh, I can't tell you.
But it does star Will Smith.

Wait.

I bet it's Suicide Squad.

Let's check it out.

What about the girls?

Penny just said
they're having fun.

Honestly, you want to wrap tape
around a bunch of pipe fittings

all afternoon?

Okay, we'll take 'em.

Okay.
But, I swear,

if it's Will Smith
in Shark Tale 2,

it better be at least as good
as the original.

I mean, it's crazy,
isn't it?

I moved here from Nebraska
to be an actress,

and now I'm sitting
in an engineering lab at Caltech

helping to build a prototype
for a high-tech guidance system.

It is crazy. It's also crazy

that I've made 14 of these
and you've made three.

(knocking)

Hey. Where are the guys?

Oh, they went to the store
to get solder,

which is metal you melt
to make science things.

Since when
do you work on weekends?

I'm an astrophysicist.

The stars don't take a day off.

You were home alone
and had no one to play with?

Well, the cleaning lady was
there, but she doesn't like me.

You need any help?

Not with
Lightning McQueen here.

I think we're good.

Okay. That's cool.

I guess everybody's involved
in this project but me.

So... see ya.

(door shuts)

I feel bad.

Should we have asked him
to stay?

KOOTHRAPPALI (high-pitched):
Yes.

Will you please tell me
where we're going?

Sorry, you're on
a need-to-know basis.

I'm driving the car.

I need to know.

Right.

So where are we going?

No, I meant turn right,
and you missed it.

Maybe you do need to know.

(indistinct chatter)

What are we gonna tell
the girls?

It's not a problem.

I mean without lying.

And now you've made it
a problem.

Come on. We're
a couple of smart guys.

I'm sure we can come up
with a way to explain this

that doesn't make us
look bad.

(phone chimes)

Oh!

The boys had to drive
all the way to San Bernardino

for the solder and got a flat.

(phone chimes)

They bought it.

But we're gonna have to

put the spare on
before we go back.

Oh, you're good at this.

Well, I lie a lot.

MAN:
Hey, guys, thank you

for being a part of our
test screening. You're about

to be one of the first audiences
to see Suicide Squad.

(applause and cheering)
Hey!

(laughs)
You were right.

Oh, I keep telling you...

good things happen
to bad people.

Uh, we're gonna get started
in a couple minutes. Enjoy.

Who are you texting?

Raj. He really wants
to see this movie.

Oh, he'll never
make it in time.

I know.
I want to make him feel bad.

"Ha, ha. Leonard and I are
about to see Suicide Squad.

Spoiler alert: when I see you
I'm gonna spoil it."

You're a good friend.

(chuckles)

(phone chimes)

Okay. (clears throat)

Would you ladies please
leave the room for a moment?

Why?

I need to rub my genitals
on their prototype.

What's going on?

Leonard and Howard
don't have a flat.

They went to the movies. Look.

Son of a bitch.
Un-freakin' believable.

Oh. You know what?
I'm gonna let them know

that I'm here with you
and that they're busted.

No. You know what? Don't. Don't.

Let's let them think
they're getting away with it.

Yeah, let's see how deep a hole
they can dig for themselves.

Mm-hmm.
Interesting.

I mean, it's not testicles
on a cryostat,

but I like it.

Why do you have
a storage unit?

Just wait.

How long have you had it?

Just wait.

Do you want me to hold
that computer?

Just wai... You know what?
Actually, yes, thank you.

Welcome to my Fortress of Shame.

I'm sorry.

What-what am I looking at?

It's basically everything
I've ever owned.

Um, every book,

every T-shirt, every piece
of broken electronics.

Just... all of it.

All of it?

I have a Ziploc bag

filled with all
my old Ziploc bags.

Okay.

Well...

I would like to tell you

that there is

nothing here to be ashamed of.

So I'm gonna need a minute.

All right, how are we gonna
play this when they return?

I know.

You guys should totally
be making out with me.

Sweetie, I know you think
jokes like that are funny,

but do you really think
you could handle

making out with both of us?

No, ma'am.

Okay. Okay,
how about this?

They don't know
you're here with us,

so you hide in the closet.
When they show up,

we'll hear
whatever their dumb story is

about where they were,
we'll pretend to believe them,

and just when they think they
got away with it, you jump out.

Yeah, that's pretty good.
I love it!

I'll be all like, "Busted!"

And they'll be like, "What?!"

And then we'll all be like,
"Oh, yeah!"

Yeah, I-I get it.

I wouldn't make out
with me, either.

In here is every clock radio
I've ever owned.

Calculators, VHS tapes.

Yeah. Oh.

Sporting equipment.

Y-You have sporting equipment?

Well, oh, it's just a...
it's a... a golf ball

that my brother
threw at my head.

You can still
feel the dent.

It's right next to
the hockey puck dent.

Okay, why do you have
a bin of pinecones?

I used to collect
them as a child.

The spiral of scales open in

the Fibonacci sequence.

A fact that,
when you tell your brother,

gets a golf ball
thrown at your head.

So, why do you feel
you need to save these things?

I'd like to say it's nostalgia,

but every time I think
of throwing anything away,

my ears start to ring,

and I get butterflies
in my stomach.

And then it feels like

the butterflies
get eaten by rats,

and then, the-the rats
get eaten by...

Okay.

I get it. I get it.

It ends with dinosaurs.

I'm sorry
if you think less of me.

I don't.

Really?

'Cause every time
I come in here,

I think less of me.

Why?

Because I'm a fraud.

No. I purport

to be a man of the mind.

I've been such a-a vocal
champion of The Singularity,

but how can I leave
my body behind

and become one
with the Internet

when I've never even thrown
a toothbrush away?

It's okay, Sheldon.

You know, I... I've saved
a lot of weird things, too.

Like what?

Well, um,

did you know
I have a microscope slide

with a little bit of tissue

from the first brain
I ever dissected?

I have an old teddy bear

I secretly wiped my nose on
for years.

It's not a contest.

Okay, here they come.
Go hide.

Oh, man, when I come out
of the closet,

I'm gonna nail those guys!

Yeah, I heard it. Shut up.

Hey.
Hi.

Hey, what's this?

Listen, we did a stupid thing.

We went to a movie and
lied about it, but we feel bad

and want to make it up
to you.

So, these are for you,
and if you're not too mad,

we'd love to take
you guys to dinner.

WOLOWITZ: Yeah.

Anywhere you want.
Oh. Well,

thank you for being honest.
PENNY: Yeah. You know,

I want to be upset, but we did

kind of have fun
working on the prototype.

KOOTHRAPPALI: Don't forgive them!
Stay mad at them!

What is he doing
in there?

Busting you!

It's okay.
They apologized.

Yeah, it's fine.

Well this is kind
of anti-climactic.

You know what
wasn't anti-climactic?

The end of the movie. Get this.

No spoilers! No spoilers!

And he's back
in the closet.

Ready for dinner?

Yeah.

Should we invite Raj?

KOOTHRAPPALI (high-pitched):
Yes.

So, no one else knows
about this?

Only you.

Thank you for trusting me.

What good is having
a girlfriend

if you can't unload your
psychological sewage on her?

That's me,
your emotional outhouse.

You know,

if you ever decide you want
to do something about this,

I'm-I'm here for you.

Thank you.

I wouldn't even know
how to begin.

Baby steps, I guess.

Mm.

I suppose I could try
getting rid of the golf ball.

Oh. Okay.

I will always have the dent
to remember it by.

(sighs heavily)

You did it.

Do you feel okay?

Actually, yes.

I do.

Well, I'm proud of you.

Oh. Thanks.

I'm glad I told you
about the storage unit.

Well, I feel closer to you now.

Oh, I feel closer to you, too.

You know,

it's still a couple
of hours until my bedtime.

What did you have in mind?

You look amazing.

I mean,
this resolution is remarkable.

I really had to go home
for this?

Yes, but it's like
you're right here in the room.

And yet, I'm not.

But I feel like I could
reach out and touch you.

And yet, you can't.

I know!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man