The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 20 - The Big Bear Precipitation - full transcript

SHELDON: It's nice to get back to nature.

Why don't I do this more often?

(DOOR OPENING)

What a beautiful forest.

(GASPS) Hello, little butterfly. Mmm.

What's your name-- Oh!

(CHUCKLES) What you doin'?

I was enjoying some virtual reality.
You ruined it with your actual face.

What am I smelling?

It's car air freshener.
I was simulating the smell of the forest.

That's not what the forest smells like.



Well, how would I know?

Why are you pretending
to be outdoors? You hate it.

Oh, Amy showed me a compelling study

that demonstrated the cognitive benefit
of spending time in the wilderness.

Buddy, I am ready to
drive you into the wilderness

anytime you want and leave you there.

Well, make your jokes,

but some of the participants who spent
four days in the woods,

away from all technology,

reported a 50% gain
in reasoning skills upon their return.

Okay, if that's true, why aren't there
more genius squirrels?

You may need this more than I do.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

- Here's your tea.
- (SHELDON GASPS)



You don't sneak up on a guy
when he's sitting on a log.

You know,
if you really wanna be in nature,

why don't we rent a cabin?

I'm sorry, when did you even get here?

You know, there's a cabin in Big Bear

that a doctor I work with
keeps offering me.

Because he's hitting on you?

- She.
- Oh, good.

But I could get her.

Look, we could all go for the weekend.
It'll be fun.

Yeah... (CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me.

Here, look up fun, get back to me.

You and I could still go
and have a nice weekend.

Sure.

Come on, Sheldon, let's go with them.

(SCOFFS) I hardly think so.

But you be sure and say hello
to all the mosquitos, bees, bears,

snakes, possums, poison oak--

Oh, and last but not least,
teenagers with guitars.

I'll see if it's available.

You know, if that study's real, Leonard
might come back smarter than you.

- Are you trying to manipulate me?
- Yes.

- Well done, it worked. We're going.
- Yay!

(GUNSHOTS ON TV)

Come on, Raj, give me a bag.

No, no, you're pregnant.

The only thing you carry
is our hope for a better tomorrow.

Hey, where you been?

Ah, Raj took me to the baby doctor
and then we swung by the grocery store.

Did you get graham crackers?

I mean... (STAMMERING) Is the baby okay?

Yes and yes.

I didn't know you needed help
running errands today.

- I didn't, but Raj volunteered.
- Really?

Yeah, ever since
you told him I was pregnant,

he's really been making a fuss over me.

Well, I guess that's kind of sweet.

Bernie, I just forwarded you

a list of the top five lactation
consultants in Los Angeles.

I know my favorite,
but I'd love to hear what you think.

And it just got weird.

- Hey, Amy's downstairs.
- Okay. One sec.

Uh, what... What you got goin' on here?

I bought a baseball cap.

I can see that. What team did you get?

Uh, Hufflepuff from Harry Potter.

Well, we'll be in the woods.

I'm ready to go. (SIGHS)

Anything you'd like to say to him?

Nice hat, Sheldon.

Thanks.

Why you so mean to me?

(WOMAN SCREAMING IN PAIN
ON TABLET)

What the hell are you watching?

Raj found all these
childbirth videos online.

This one is of a woman
giving birth in a river.

Okay, that is the least Jewish thing
I've ever seen in my life.

You feel like Raj is getting a little
carried away with all the baby stuff?

I don't think so, he just wants to be
part of the experience.

All right. If you say so.
What's in the box?

It's an ultrasonic microphone
so we can hear the baby's heartbeat.

Oh! That's cool. Can we try it?

Well, actually, Raj ordered it.

He made me promise to wait
till he was here.

So he can be part of the experience?

Yeah.

Surprised he let us conceive without him.

It's a sore spot, don't bring it up.

It's so cute and rustic up here.

I know, did you see they still have
a video rental place?

It's like Colonial Williamsburg.
(CHUCKLES)

Well, cell service is down to one bar,

so if anyone needs medical attention

or to tell a stranger their political
views are stupid, now's the time.

Have you ever been off the grid before?

Once. The battery ran out on my phone.
I had to wait for my iPad to turn on.

I was afraid he was gonna eat me.

Raj just pulled up.

(SIGHS) I'm gonna say something to him.

Leave it alone. He means well.

So, you don't think
he needs to rein it in a little?

No, not really.

You're not concerned he's acting like
somehow this is his kid, too?

He's just trying to be supportive.

Just supportive.
Not over-the-top in any way?

No.

RAJ: (IN SING-SONG VOICE) Hello!

You saw him carrying that.

Astronauts saw him carrying that.

(GASPS) This place is great!

So nice of that doctor
to just let you use it.

Well, she is taking me
to an Indigo Girls concert,

so hold that thought.

Okay, well, should we
check each other for ticks?

Sheldon, all we did
was walk in from the car.

Oh, well, suit yourself.
Who wants to check me?

On the other hand, safety first.

Wow! It's really coming down.

Yeah, this sucks.

And there goes our hike.

Oh! Not our hike!

Now we have to stay safe and warm.

You know, we could still go.
A little rain isn't gonna kill us.

Have you been outside in the rain
with Sheldon?

- No.
- You'll wish it would kill you.

So what do we do now?

They have some board games.

Yeah, most of the Jenga pieces are missing
and the Scrabble only has seven tiles.

So, unless you want to build
an unimpressive structure

with the word SNERPF next to it, move on.

Hey, let's light a fire.

Ooh! That sounds cozy.

I don't think I've lit a real fire before.

It's basic thermodynamics.
I'm sure we could figure that out.

I could stack the logs conically
to facilitate air flow.

That would maximize oxygen
for optimal combustion.

Right, so all we need is to--

Got it.

Scientists made that.

Look, Raj.

You're my best friend in the world,

and I really appreciate
your enthusiasm about the baby.

Please, my pleasure.

And, of course, Howie and I both
want you to be a part of all this.

But we have to set some boundaries.

I don't understand.

The three of us aren't having this baby.

Just the two of us.

Oh!

Okay. Yeah, I get it.

I'll back off.

- Thanks for understanding.
- Of course.

Give you guys some space.

Let me just get this out of your way.

Oh! (GROANS)

- You need some help?
- No, I got it.

(CLATTERING)

- Raj, Raj, wait.
- Please, Bernadette.

Let me leave with my dignity.

Hey, you guys wanna play a drinking game?

(STUTTERS) We'll never win.

You always play the drinking game.

Not the drinking game, a drinking game.

To be fair, good at both.

- What's the game?
- All right.

It's called Never Have I Ever.
The rules are simple.

Someone says something they've never done,

but if you have done it, you take a drink.

I've never played that before.

Hey, now wait, have we started,
do I drink, what is happening?

Okay, just calm down, I'll go first.

All right, let's see. Never have I ever...

She's trying to think of something
she's never done before,

this could take a while.

Very funny.

Okay, never have I ever...

Yeah, you know what,
let's just circle back.

Okay, I'll go.
Never have I ever been arrested.

So I drink?

No, it's only if you've done it.

Got it.

I can't believe you've been arrested.

Hmm, I can't believe Penny hasn't.

(CHUCKLING)

Sheldon, what did you do?

Well, I'm not proud of it,
but... I jaywalked.

Oh, no, it's like a horror movie,
we're trapped in a cabin with a maniac!

I'm surprised you would do that.

No, I, I crossed in
the middle of the street.

And normally I wouldn't, but I saw
an aggressive looking girl scout and...

Yeah, it was the heart of cookie season.

Anyway, there was a police officer,
and he witnessed the whole thing.

What, he arrested you for that?

Hmm? Uh, no, he didn't do anything.

So I said, "You just saw me jaywalk,
why aren't you doing your job? You know?

(STUTTERS) "Maybe I should arrest you
for, for impersonating a police officer."

And then you got arrested.

Oh, and how.

I feel like I just made
a horrible mistake.

Yeah.

But on the other hand,
I didn't kick him out of our lives.

I just asked him to back off a little.

Yeah.

What? You gonna cry?

Yeah!

Baby hormones or actually sad?

I can't tell anymore! (SOBS)

I'll go get him.

And bring back the bear! (SOBS)

This game's dangerous,
I could get you in trouble.

How?

Well, never have I ever used
Sheldon's toothbrush to clean the sink.

Fine. Is that how you play this?
All right.

Never have I ever come up
with a nickname for my own genitals.

Never should have told you about
Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Okay, my turn.

Um...

Never have I ever completely rocked
my girlfriend's world in bed.

Amy.

You know the rules. Drink.

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Yeah, go ahead.

That's right.

All right, my turn. Um...

Oh! I know.

Never have I ever kept
a secret bank account

because I think
my wife can't handle money.

Did I win? I feel like I won.

I can't believe this.

You realize I make more money than you.

Yeah, I know. But this isn't a big deal.

It's just a little savings I put aside.

We're married.
We're supposed to share everything.

What? You mean, like,
your massive credit card debt?

(DOOR SLAMS)

I'm calling it, I won.

I appreciate the apology,
but it's really not necessary.

I overstepped my bounds.

No, Raj. You've been great.

I just need to start doing my part
around here.

BERNADETTE: I hear that.

Well, if that's the case,
is there anything I can do to help?

Well, not right now, but we could
try out that microphone you got us

and listen to the baby's heartbeat.

Really? (STUTTERS)
It's okay if I listen with you?

Of course.

(GASPS) Can I squirt the ultrasound jelly
on your stomach?

Hey, look at that, it's weird again.

(DOOR OPENING)

Okay, you have every right to be mad.

And what you said is true,
you do make more money than me.

So I had no right to do what I did.

And I'm so sorry.
I hope you can forgive me.

How long have you had this secret account?

A couple years, but I just put a few bucks
aside every month for emergencies.

Well, how much you got in there?

$6,427,

$47 once my nana's
birthday check gets here.

My God, Leonard, do you know what
I could do with that kind of money?

No, I do, and that's why I hid it.

What good is it if you don't use it?

Uh, you have shoes you love
but never wear.

I have money I love but never spend.

We're kind of a cute couple that way.
(CHUCKLES)

Again, I'm sorry,
I shouldn't have kept it a secret.

Well, I have a secret
I've been keeping from you, too.

Is it a secret bank account?
'Cause that would be awesome. (CHUCKLES)

I hate my job.

Really? Why?

Because I don't feel good
flirting with doctors for sales.

I mean, I know I make a lot of money,
but I haven't been happy for a while.

(SIGHS) Why didn't you tell me?

Because I know how important it is to you
that I'm having some success.

That's not true.

Okay, really? So you'd be fine

if I went back to acting
and waiting tables again?

If that's what you wanna do, yes.

- Well, it's not what I wanna do.
- Oh, yes! (CHUCKLES)

Doesn't matter what I want.

Look, this job
is gonna get me out of debt,

so I'm gonna do the grown-up thing
and see it through.

Wow. That is the grown-up thing.

I guess.

I love you.

I love you, too.

You know...

Never have I ever made love
in the forest while it was raining.

Well, guess I gotta drink.

- All right, here we go.
- (ALL CHUCKLING)

(STATIC ON THE SPEAKER)

I'm not hearing anything.

Give me a second.

Are you sure you can do this?

Hey, who found four dollars and change
on the beach with his metal detector?

I buried it there so we could go home.

(RAPID HEARTBEAT ON SPEAKER)

- (GASPS) Hey, that's it.
- (CHUCKLES)

Whoa.

Isn't that the best?

You guys made a person.

(HEARTBEAT CONTINUES)

We did.

And I like to think I helped.

(WHISPERS) You didn't.

Oh, um, never have I ever drunk milk
past its expiration date.

Never have I ever
canceled a dentist appointment.

Oh, uh, never have I ever
put my foot in the ocean.

Never have I ever
honked if I liked anything.

Oh, uh...

Never have I ever thrown,
caught or touched a Frisbee.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Never have I ever put salt on my food
without trying it first.

Oh!

Never have I ever
pushed all the buttons in an elevator.

(GASPS)

Well, we all have a past.

English - SDH