The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 9, Episode 18 - The Application Deterioration - full transcript

Previously on
The Big Bang Theory...

I guess I'm still wondering

if Emily and I
are right for each other.

Does this have to do with
that girl you had coffee with?

You mean the strong, sexy angel
I can't stop thinking about?

Who can say?

I need to come up with
a big idea to make some money.

There's no reason you can't.
That's easy for you to say.

You and Sheldon already came up

with your
superfluid helium model.

That's just research.



We're never going
to make any money from it.

Forget helium...
the real superfluid

is the fruit punch in this mug.

It reminds me of my daddy's
secret “Don't Tell Mama” juice.

Maybe that's an idea.

Guidance systems
for drunk people.

They have that,
it's called Uber.

Hey, in your supercooled
helium experiments,

did you create
quantum vortices?

Yeah, why?

Well, if you made
a guidance system,

couldn't you use those vortices
as a gyroscope?

Wow. Never thought about that.

And, since it's
in a quantum state,



it would maintain
an infinite persistence.

Groundbreaking
revelations,

tropical drinks.

Tell me this isn't like the best
episode of Sex and the City.

Okay, I gotta ask...

why are you wearing
a bow tie?

I've never applied
for a patent before.

I wanted to make
a good impression.

Oh. Is the impression that
your first name is Pee-Wee?

(chuckling)

Yeah, well, you're an engineer.

End of joke, burn.

Come on in, fellas.

See, he's not wearing a tie.

Well, he's
a patent attorney.

Maybe his tie is pending.

So, I've reviewed
your paperwork,

and it seems like
we've got everything we need

to file a patent

for your infinite
persistence gyroscope.

That's great!
Excellent.

So what happens next?

Well, the legal team
needs to review

existing patents
to avoid overlap.

Oh, I don't think
there will be.

Yes, we did
our own search.

That's nice, but I think ours
might be a bit more thorough.

(chuckles):
Get a load of this guy.

Can you imagine if we
make money with this?

If we do,
I am splurging

on the best sinus irrigator
money can buy.

That old sad story...

guy gets a little money,
goes straight up his nose.

Just need you to review
and sign this document

acknowledging that you
understand the university

will own 75% of the patent.

75%?

That's outrageous.

This is our idea
based on our research.

How can you possibly justify
owning a majority share?

It's university policy.

I know when I'm beat.

Hold on, hold on.
So the three of us

do all the work
and only end up with 25%?

Dr. Hofstadter, this university

has been paying your salaries
for over ten years.

Did you think we do that out
of the goodness of our hearts?

Well, until you just said
that mean thing, kinda.

And as far as
Mr. Wolowitz is concerned,

I'm afraid as a federal employee
on loan from NASA,

your name can be
on the patent,

but you're not entitled
to an ownership share.

Wait, so this can turn out to be

a financial success,
and I get nothing?

Well, sometimes
they give you a plaque.

Well, that's not fair.

We should all get plaques.

Sorry, but we
can't sign this.

Come on, let's go.

Thank you for your time.

Couple of questions
about the plaque...

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 9x18 ♪
The Application Deterioration
Original Air Date on March

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

So, have you been having
any morning sickness?

A little.

And it doesn't help

that I've got this heightened
sense of smell.

Is that a pregnancy thing?
Yeah.

The other day I sniffed out

where Howie
hid the Girl Scout cookies.

No more Tagalongs, my ass.

But now you'll be able to make

your own milk
to eat the cookies with.

Hey, guys. Hey, Penny.

I really appreciate
you helping me with this.

I don't know what to do.

Oh, sure. Let me see it.
See what?

I hadn't spoken to Emily
since I broke up with her,

and she left this
on my doorstep with a note.

“Raj, I got you this before we
split up, but couldn't return it

“and thought
you'd like to have it.

Happy belated
Valentine's Day, Emily.”

That's nice.

Nice, or is she trying
to manipulate him?

I know. I mean, do I open it?
Do I return it?

Why wouldn't you open it?

Well, she was pretty mad.

For all I know
it's a voodoo doll of me

with a fork stuck in my junk.

You don't think she'd actually
send you something gross

or dangerous, do you?

I know one way
to find out... sniff this.

She's pregnant,
she's not a bloodhound.

Although I am getting
a little machine oil.

I think it's metal.

Come on, just open it.

You know,
on Game of Thrones,

Balon Greyjoy received
his son's genitals in a box.

Well, never hurts
to have a spare.

BERNADETTE:
What is that?

Wow. It's an antique sextant.

Sailors used these to find
their position by the stars.

What a nice gift
for an astrophysicist.

I know, she's so thoughtful.

See, she's trying
to get you back.

Now, that is exactly
what I would've gotten you

if I had any idea
what it is or what you do.

You know, I have too much
self-esteem to let this girl

guilt me into getting back
together with her.

You don't need to be pregnant
to smell that load of crap.

Well, what if we go
around the university

and just get
the patent ourselves?

We can't.
It says on their Web site,

as long as we work there,
they have

a controlling ownership
of anything we come up with.

Great, so they own
my idea for a T-shirt

that says
“Dumb as a Bag of Geologists.”

Well, our choices are we
do this with the university

or we don't do it at all.

Either way, I get nothing.

Or, if we ended up
making money from this,

Sheldon and I could split
our shares with you.

To be clear,

Leonard is referring
to the gyroscope,

not the T-shirt and mugs.

Oh! Now they own the mugs.

I guess that is
a way around this.

You guys would be cool
doing it like that?

Of course, we can split
any profits three ways.

I'm fine with that.

Okay, great.

It sounds like a, uh,
contract might be in order.

Sure, we could write
something up.

But which one of us should be
the party who...

You can do it, Sheldon.

So stipulated!

Once I found a stash
of contracts under his bed.

It was weird.

I wonder how much
she spent on this.

Ooh, let's find out.

It doesn't matter.

It's the thought
that counts.

Yeah, yeah,
and beauty's on the inside,

size doesn't matter...
how much she spend?

Seriously, guys,
I don't want to know.

Oh, my.

Oh, come on, you can't say
“Oh, my,” and then not tell me!

These things go for $500 and up.

BERNADETTE:
Damn.

All I got for Valentine's Day
was a postcard

saying my Vermont Teddy Bear
was back-ordered.

PENNY:
Okay, so, she drops off

a $500 gift

and she's not trying to
get back together with you?

Maybe you're right.

Or she's telling the truth
and just being nice.

Maybe you're right.

Wow, I am easy to manipulate.

(phone chiming)

Oh, guys, it's Emily.

What should I do?

Okay, answer it.
Just be strong.

And if she starts to cry,
don't make any promises.

And most importantly, put it
on speaker so we can hear.

Hello?

Hey, it's Emily.

Is this a good time?

Yeah, yeah. Sure. What's up?

Was it okay I left that gift?

I'm really hoping
we can be friends.

Maybe, maybe.

Um, you think you'd want
to grab a cup of coffee?

Hello?

I'm sorry, I seem to be taking
an annoying amount of time

deciding how I feel about this!

I just...
I miss hanging out with you.

It's not like I lost a friend,
it's like I lost my best friend.

(choking up):
Is there any chance

you'd want to come over?

I'm sorry, I don't think
that's a good idea.

Okay. I'm just...

(crying):
I'm having a really hard time,

but that's not your problem,
that's mine.

I-I won't bother you again,

but please know that you'll
always have a place in my heart.

Bye, Raj.

You're a good guy.

Good-bye, Emily.

(sighs):
That was rough, you guys.

I know, but you did it.
I'm so proud of you.

Well, anyway, I'll leave you
to your girls' night.

Are you sure you don't want
to stay here with us?

No, I kind of feel like
being alone right now.

Well, if you change your mind,
we'll be here.

Thank you.

Say hi to Emily for us.

Will do.

This contract
looks good to me.

I'll say it looks good.

It's in my proprietary
font, Shelvetica.

I want to say
something obnoxious,

but it is easy on the eyes.

I'm a little tired, Howie.
You ready to go?

Yeah, one sec. I just need
to sign this contract.

What is it?
Well, we ran into a problem

about my share of the patent,
so we're forming

a partnership to split
anything we make equally.

Sheldon, did you draft
the contract?

You bet I did.

Ooh. You're gonna make
out so hard tonight.

So, you're
just gonna sign this

without having
a lawyer look at it?

Excuse me.

I've been drafting contracts
since kindergarten.

Didn't need a lawyer to get me
out of finger painting.

Don't need one now.

I know, but...
Bernie,

the guys were nice enough
to find a way

to keep me from being cut out.

Well, I should hope so.

The whole thing was your idea.

Well, to be fair, Howard's idea
was based on Sheldon's math.

Guys, everyone is involved
in this, okay?

Howard's invention,

Sheldon's math,
my original theory

that space-time was like
a supercooled liquid.

Which I'm sure
Penny would've mentioned

if she wasn't working
on that hangnail right now.

What?

Honey, this is fine.

If you want to sign a contract
that Sheldon whipped up,

go ahead.

Can I talk to you in the hall?

Sure.
Excuse us.

Hey, Leonard.
What?

If she doesn't think that
we should apply for this patent,

she's being patently absurd.

Good one.

Okay, you got it.

See, I was afraid
it was a thinker.

What are you doing?
I just want to make sure

you've thought this through.

What's to think about?
We have an invention

and want to move forward.

Howie, you're about
to form a legal partnership

with Sheldon Cooper.

All right, if you're gonna
calmly make excellent points,

then I don't know
if I want to talk to you.

Okay. I get it.

And it's sweet that
you're worried about me,

but I can take care of myself.

I'm not worried about you.
I'm worried about me.

I don't want to go through
this pregnancy listening

to you complain about Sheldon
driving you crazy

more than you already do.

Here we go with
the ironclad logic again.

You've tried to work
with him before.

It hasn't gone well.

Why is this time
gonna be any different?

Is the fetus helping you?

'Cause that's cheating.

(phone rings)

Hello?
CLAIRE: Hey, Raj.

It's Claire. How are you?

Hi. I'm good. Really good.

Well, I don't know
why I said “really good.”

I'm just regular good.

I really just wanted
to sound confident.

And that “really”
was a real “really,”

not a fake “really”
like the first “really.”

Really?

I don't know. I lost track
and I missed my exit.

So, uh... so what's up?

Well, last time we talked,

I had just gotten back together
with my boyfriend,

and I wanted to let you know
that things didn't work out.

Really? I'm sorry.

I swear I know other words.

So if you were
still interested...

Yes! Indeed!
Absolutely! Indubitably!

I'm not even sure
what the last one means,

but it's another word,
and I know it.

So, uh,

when do you want to meet up?

Uh, I'm almost off work.

What are you doing now?

R-Right now, well...

Well, actually,
to-to be completely honest,

I'm stopping by
to see my ex-girlfriend

because she's having
a tough time. But...

it's not like we're getting
back together or anything.

Let me guess, the worst part
about breaking up

is that she doesn't have her
best friend to talk to anymore?

That's exactly what she said!

How do you know that?

I'm a girl. It's, like,
page one out of the playbook.

Any chance you could send me
a PDF of that playbook?

They've been out
there a while.

I hope
everything's okay.

I wonder what they're talking about.
PENNY: If you guys

would shut up,
I could tell you.

Oh.

Be cool, be cool, be cool.

Hey.

Hello.
Hey. You guys all right?

Yeah. But, um, we were talking,

and... I'm a
little concerned

about the three of us
forming a partnership.

Are you suggesting
a limited liability corporation?

'Cause I did not
L-L-see that coming.

Sheldon, my concern is not
with the money or anything.

It's-it's with
how you treat me.

Well, I believe I'm
treating you generously.

That's why I've stipulated
in the contract

that your contributions
to our invention

are as valuable as my own.

Are you saying
that his contributions

aren't as valuable
as yours?

No, I am not saying that,

because I kept saying
that this morning

and Leonard said,
“Stop saying that.”

See? This is what happens
every time we work together.

PENNY:
You know what, hang on.

What if Sheldon had no choice

but to be respectful?

Is there a switch on the back
of his neck we don't know about?

PENNY:
No.

What I'm saying is you could add
a clause to the contract

that he can't make fun
of Howard.

How would you enforce it?

Oh, please.
Any contract I sign

is enforced by my own
personal code of ethics.

And his obsessive-compulsive
disorder.

Yeah, that, too.

And scoot over.

Part of your shadow's
on my spot.

Howard, what do you think?

I'm on board.

I'll add it right now.

Oh, baby, it's addendum time!

(line ringing)

EMILY:
Hello?

Hey, Emily, listen,

I've been thinking,
and I'm not sure

it's a good idea
that I come over.

Oh.

(crying):
Okay. I understand.

No, no. Please don't cry.

Okay, I'll stop!

Hello?

Hey, so, listen, Claire,
change of plans...

Fine. Do what you want,
but she's playing you.

I don't think so.
She sounded pretty upset.

You mean like...

“I was just really
looking forward to seeing you.

I'm having such a rough day.”

Emily, listen...

I'm sorry,

but I can't come by.

Why not?

I think we both know
if I come over,

we're gonna get back together and...
I told you

I needed a friend.

What do you think
is happening here?

Call you right back.

The-the revisions I made
start on page four.

Wow. That is a lot
of “whereupons”.

You should see the
Valentine's Day card he gave me.

“Article three:
As it pertains to this project,

“Dr. Sheldon Cooper promises
to abstain from all insulting or

“disrespectful language
directed toward Howard Wolowitz,

“including but not limited to:
mockery of engineering,

“his height, his hair,
his wardrobe,

“and his insane belief
that the Ghost Rider movie

was, quote, 'not that bad.'”

Hang on. Maybe there should be
a “no insult” clause

about me, too.

Do you still like cilantro?
Yeah.

You're tying my hands here.

All right, let's sign this.
PENNY: Wait, wait, wait.

What are these changes
on page six?

Sheldon, what did you do?

WOLOWITZ:
I should've known.

“25% of profits

“due to Sheldon Cooper will be
allocated to a scholarship fund

for the firstborn child of
Howard and Bernadette Wolowitz”

Sheldon, that's so nice.

LEONARD: That beats

the onesie I was gonna get them

from babyGap.

That's very generous,
Sheldon.

Oh, I've always valued
education over money.

And the very fact that you
needed a written guarantee

of respect made me realize

how dismissive I've been
of your contributions.

I appreciate that.
And I just hope

that this scholarship
can rescue your child

from the subpar education

and menial life
of an engineer.

Sheldon.
What?

I didn't sign it yet.

I hear what you're saying,

but I've known Emily
a long time,

and I think she deserves
the benefit of the doubt.

All right, it's your life.

But you know
how this is gonna end.

As a matter of fact, I do.

I'm gonna comfort her,
because I'm a caring

and decent friend
who's happy to be there

when she needs someone
to talk to.

Good talk.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man