The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 8, Episode 8 - The Prom Equivalency - full transcript

Oh, hey, we ran into your
mom at Benihana last night.

Uh, yeah, she loves that place.

Every time they flip
a shrimp in the air,

she practically leaps out
of her seat to catch it.

That's why I don't take her
to SeaWorld.

I know you-you don't
want to hear it,

but she was there with Stuart.

That's fine.

I don't care.

It doesn't bug you when
they go out on dates?

They're not dating.



They're just two friends
who went out to dinner.

And then went back
to the home they share

where they probably fell asleep

in the matching pajamas
she got them

because they both
just love penguins.

Hey, lots of people
wear matching pajamas

who aren't dating.

Like who?
Like you and your dog.

Don't rule out the dating.

Fine, it bothers me.

You happy?

You think you've got problems.

The gibbon is the only member
of the ape family not classified

as a great ape.



How is this helpful?

All the non-human apes
are classified

as great apes except one.

That means taxonomists created
the entire category

of lesser ape just
to single out the poor gibbon

as the weird kid
on the playground.

Now there's a hairy little
fellow with a genuine beef.

But the gibbon doesn't know
what it's categorized as.

It doesn't even know
it's called a gibbon.

True.

Sorry, kid, you've got it
worse than a gibbon.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 8x08 ♪
The Prom Equivalency
Original Air Date on November 6,

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Hi.

Hey.

We brought snacks
for movie night.

Oh, great.

I don't suppose you also brought
napkins, clean bowls,

utensils and a roll
of toilet paper.

Right here.

Ah!

You guys are the best.

What's with the clothes?

Well, with all the new stuff
I bought for work,

I needed to make room
in my closet.

I meant why are they folded?

But whatever.

Ooh, what's this?

That, believe it or not,
is my prom dress.

Wow, you still have it?

I just assumed
it was balled up

in the corner
of a barn somewhere.

What kind of teenager
did you think I was?

Slutty.
Easy.

The word is "popular."

How was your prom?
Did you go?

No, but I was
on clean-up crew.

Aw, that's sad.

No, it was okay.

The DJ let me dance
one slow song with my mop

before he shut down.

Whenever I see
a bucket of dirty water,

I still hear "Lady in Red."

My prom was pretty
terrible, too.

I was so excited
about my date,

but it turned out
he only asked me

'cause he liked my friend.

He spent the whole night
talking about her.

Okay, we get it, you had
a friend and a date.

Stop bragging.

Doesn't matter.

Prom is silly anyways.

Easy for you to say;
you probably went

with the captain
of the football team.

No.

I just made out
with him a little

while his date was puking.

My date would've had
to clean that up.

Ooh, I have an idea.

Maybe we can have,
like, a prom do-over.

Oh, that would be so much fun.

We could decorate the roof
and make the guys wear tuxedos.

Ooh, and get our hair done,
and slow-dance.

Okay, guys, trust me,

as someone who's been to,
like, seven proms,

it is never as good
as you want it to be.

You went to seven proms?

Yeah, let's see.

Uh, four "Under the Seas,"
two "Enchanted Evenings,"

and one "Night to Remember"

that... I cannot remember
for the life of me.

Hey.

Hey.
Hey, where's Bernadette?

She and Amy are out dress
shopping for their prom thing.

Oh, yeah,
I got that Evite.

Ever since I saw Pretty in Pink,

I've wanted to go
to an American prom.

But then I saw Carrie,

and I did not want to go
to an American prom.

But then I saw
Never Been Kissed,

and I'm back
on the prom bandwagon.

This prom thing's been
a real roller coaster.

Bernie's really excited.

I-I could tell because
her voice got so high,

the beagle next door
started howling.

Did you go to your prom?

No.

I had a date
with a proper education.

Instead of a tuxedo,
I dressed myself in good habits.

Instead of spiked punch,

I enjoyed the intoxicating
flavor of knowledge.

Instead of
dancing in a gym,

I shook my booty
to the seductive rhythms...

Okay, okay.

...of AP Calculus.

How come you're not shopping
with Amy and Bernadette?

Let me guess, you think
the whole idea is lame?

Well, who cares what I think?
What do you think?

Hmm, to be honest,

it's kind of a dream come true
to go to even a fake prom

with a woman
as beautiful as you.

Ugh, thanks a lot.

What?

Well, now I can't blow this
thing off without being a bitch.

That sounds like a "yes"!

Ooh, every single person
RSVP'd "yes."

This is so exciting!

Isn't this exciting?

Yep.

Look, even Stuart's
bringing a date.

I wonder who it is.

You know exactly
who it is.

He's gonna bring my mom.

Why did you even invite him?

Because he's our friend,
and you two need to get along.

And why can't
he take your mom?

You took her
to your prom.

I didn't "take" her;
she was a chaperone.

I saw a picture of you two
dancing together.

W-What was I gonna do?

They were playing our song!

I can't take
this anymore.

Hello.

Stuart, we have to talk.

This thing with you and my mom,
I-I hate it.

It's making me crazy.

You and I were
friends for years,

and now you're bringing my
mother to a party I'm going to?!

What the hell?!

I'm not bringing your mother,
I have a date.

Oh, so now you're cheating
on my mother?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wha-What are you talking about?

There's nothing weird going on
with me and your mother.

Stewie,
your bath is getting cold!

I got to go, bye.

Penny?

Penny.

Penny.

Penny.

Penny.

You knocked more than usual.

Next time I might be in a rush,

it's good to have
a few in the bank.

Okay, what's up?

I'd like to discuss this party

that Amy and Bernadette
are throwing.

Since you and I are both
reluctant to go,

I think I've come up with a
perfect way for us to enjoy it.

Great, how?

We pretend we're aliens.

I'm not the best
at reading facial cues,

but I'm gonna say that you love
it and want to hear more.

Now,
in the beloved novel

Hitchhiker's Guide
to the Galaxy,

an alien named Ford Prefect
pretended to be human

in order to blend in so that he
could write an entry about Earth

for The Hitchhiker's Guide
to the Galaxy,

which is a travel book
within the actual book,

which is also called

The Hitchhiker's Guide
to the Galaxy.

Okay, just one question.

What?

My point is,
pretending to be an alien is

a valuable coping mechanism
I've used many times.

I did it the first time
I went to see you in a play.

You had no idea
Commander Umfrumf

of Ceti Alpha Three
was in the audience.

Oh, d-don't worry,
he gave you seven thumbs up.

Here's a question--

as an alien pretending to be
human, are you planning

to engage in any post-prom
mating rituals with Amy?

There are post-prom
mating rituals?

Not always.

Unless your date drives
a van with an air mattress,

then always.

Well, if it's part of the prom
experience, then I'm open to it.

You're kidding.

I may be an alien,
but I have urges.

If Amy wants to copulate
by firing her eggs into space,

well, then,
I will happily catch them

with the reproductive sac
on my upper flermin.

I'm not the best
at reading facial cues,

but I can see that
you're a little turned on.

You know, if you're not
gonna learn how to do this,

they make some
pretty good clip-ons.

Bruce Wayne doesn't
wear a clip-on.

Bruce Wayne doesn't make
his roommate tie it for him.

His name is Alfred,
and, yes, he does.

There, perfect.

What, are you sure?

It's my first prom,
I want to do it correctly.

I thought you were gonna
pretend to be an alien.

I was, but Penny didn't want to.

You didn't want to.

Bernadette, Amy, Koothrappali
and Wolowitz didn't want to.

And even I knew it was weird
to hire somebody.

Was that a flask?

Yes.

I've decided to embrace
all of the traditions

associated with prom,
including spiking the punch.

You're gonna put alcohol
in the punch?

Oh, no, this is
pomegranate juice.

It's all the fun
of high school high jinks

with the cell-protecting zip
of antioxidants.

If you had ripped jeans
and a leather jacket,

you'd be like the toughest kid
on the Disney Channel.

So, anything else
planned for tonight?

Oh, everything.

Getting our picture taken,
slow-dancing,

being elected prom king.

Pointing out that
kings aren't elected.

It's gonna be off the hook.

And while you're at it,

I know that at this age
your hormones are raging,

but just because all
your friends are having sex

doesn't mean you have to.

Why would you say that?

You know, 'cause...

'cause a lot of people lose
their virginity on prom night.

Penny implied the same thing.

Is this true?

Just relax, it's a joke.

You don't have
hormones.

Wow, you look amazing.

Thank you, so do you.

Sheldon,
you look so handsome.

Thank you.

Sheldon, doesn't Amy look hot?

That's got to put some starch
in the upper flermin.

What's that?

Oh, it's a scaly
genital organ

that grows between
his shoulder blades.

Try not to touch it
when you're dancing.

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

I can't do this.

And for your information,
Leonard,

the upper flermin doesn't grow
between my shoulder blades,

it grows out of the belly button
on my neck.

He's right, I was thinking
of the lower flermin.

Ooh, I'll, uh, text Stuart,
let him know we're close.

That's a neat tattoo.

Oh, thanks, it's Sally from
Nightmare before Christmas.

Aw, that movie's
so cute.

Do you like her because
you both have red hair?

Uh, a little, but more
that she's covered in scars

and can pull her own limbs off
and sew them back on.

I like Cinderella.

Did you know,
in the original book,

the sisters cut off
their toes with knives

in order to fit
in the glass slipper?

I like "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo."

Hey, here comes
Stuart and his date.

Oh, she's cute.

Oh, my God.

What?

That's Jeanie.

That's Jeanie?!

Who's Jeanie?
Don't say it.

That's Howard's cousin
that he had sex with.

She is my second cousin.

We were 15... I just said,
"Don't say it."

No, it's okay.

He told me that story
a long time ago.

Raj!

It was our first date,

there was an
awkward silence.

What was I
supposed to say?

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, the girls really
did a nice job.

Aw...

I know I wasn't
into this before,

but I'm so glad I get
to take you to your first prom.

What makes you think
I didn't go to my prom?

I went.
Well, who'd you go with?

I took a little lady
I like to call loneliness.

Aw...

Aw, it's all right.

We ended up having a threesome

with her friend humiliation,
so...

Well, if I would have been
there and saw you alone,

I would've asked you
to dance.

No, you wouldn't have.

Well, you don't
know that.

It was before
my growth spurt.

What, that already happened?

Very funny.

Well, you wouldn't
have asked me either.

I would have asked you.

In my head.

On the way home.

While I was having a good cry.

Sheldon, can I come in?

I don't think
that's a good idea.

Why not?

According to an online
message board,

I may be having a panic attack.

SoccerMom09 had
similar symptoms.

But to be fair, the twins were
a real handful that day.

You're making me worry.

What's going on?

What's going on is we're
about to go to a prom.

And there's
a great deal of pressure

on young couples
like us to engage in

what Mr. Bob Eubanks
called making whoopee.

What pressure?

All I said was
you look handsome.

Can you please
open the door?

It's not just that.

Leonard and Penny also
made comments about it.

And I'm not blind.

Even I looked twice
when I saw my posterior

in these tuxedo pants.

So, I met Jeanie
at your Aunt Gladys'.

She passed me
the Manischewitz,

I took one look
at this punim,

and I almost plotzed
on the kugel.

Is this what I sound like
when I talk about India?

So, my mother's okay
with this?

Why would your mother have
a problem with me and Stuart?

'Cause they have a weird,
inappropriate relationship.

Weirder than what you and I
did in my dad's Corolla?

This is so messed up.

I know, I'm having
the best time.

Why would you even come to this?

Didn't you know I'd be here?

It was a long
time ago, Howard.

And you're only second
cousins, who cares?

So, you knew and you
brought her anyway?

Oh, so she's good enough
for Howard, but not for me?!

Yeah.

Yeah, go have weird
relationships

with your own
mother and cousin.

This is his turf.

Yeah.

Well, I might not have
asked you to dance then,

but I will ask you now.
There's no music.

I don't care.

We'll make
our own music.

My God, who's the dork now?

Thank you for
wearing your flats.

Thank you for
wearing your heels.

Mmm.

Look at me.

Dancing with the prettiest
girl at the prom.

Want to take a picture
of us and send it

to your old friends
in the chess club?

I sent them a bikini shot
of you years ago.

This is nice.

I kind of wish
no one else was coming.

I know, me, too.

But it will be fun to have a
prom without all the drama.

Howie, get off of him!

Not until he stops humping
his way up my family tree!

Sheldon, this is silly.

I'm not missing another prom.

I'm going upstairs now.

Good-bye.

I really did think
you looked pretty.

You did?

Yes.

So much so that
I started to panic.

Well, you can relax.

Just because you think
I look pretty

doesn't mean we have
to spend the night together.

Were you hoping we would
because it's prom?

I'm always hoping.

But tonight I just wanted
to have a nice time with you.

And maybe dance
with someone who has arms.

Thank you for understanding.

Of course I understand.

Sheldon,

there's something else
I've been wanting to say,

but before I do,
I just...

I want you to know that you
don't have to say it back.

I know you're not ready,

and I don't want you to say it

just because
social convention dictates...

I love you, too.

You said it.

There's no denying
I have feelings for you

that can't be explained
in any other way.

I briefly considered
that I had a brain parasite.

But that seems even
more farfetched.

The only conclusion was love.

I know what's happening.

This is a panic attack.

SoccerMom09 says to lie down
with your feet elevated.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Just because I love you
doesn't mean

girls are allowed in my room.

Okay.

Here we go...

Say "Cheese"!

Say "Cheese"!

Say "Cousin"!

Say...

Oh, sorry.

Hang on, sorry.

Hey, Debbie.

I... Yeah, yeah, I'm
here with Jeanie.

Okay, but we're just friends.

It's... Yeah. I got to go.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man