The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 8, Episode 9 - The Septum Deviation - full transcript

This is an easy one.
You love this guy.

Me.

Come on, he's an
underappreciated genius.

Still think it's me.

It's not you.

Now think, there's
a car named after him.

Of course there is.

The Mini Cooper,
'cause it's me.

How about this:

he's a poor man's
Sheldon Cooper.

Oh, Tesla.



- Hi.
- Hey! - Hello.

How'd it go?
Oh, not fun.

The doctor shoved a camera
up into my sinuses.

Yeah, I watched. It was like
the scary boat tunnel

in Willy Wonka.

Did they figure out what's wrong?
Yeah.

It's a deviated septum.

The surgery
to correct it is simple.

He's gonna do it next week.

Why would you have surgery?

Because I can't breathe.

I snore, I get sinus
infections...

Yeah, back off,
he's all mine.

But you don't have
a life-threatening condition.



Why would you
take the risk of surgery?

Sheldon, it's a routine
procedure.

I've heard you complain
about his snoring.

We... Yes, for the first
five or six years,

but I've gotten used to it.

It helps me sleep.

He's like my mucus-powered
white noise machine.

Sheldon, I'm gonna get
the surgery, it's no big deal.

End of story.

Very well.
I'm done talking about it.

Thank you.

I believe it was
your turn in the game.

Okay.

Let's see...

Oh, this person is most famous

for never having gotten

his nose mutilated
with elective surgery

and never living the rest
of his life in the shadows

as a hideous, disfigured freak.

I think you could
give a better clue.

I don't.

I'm not even sure if
that's a person or a typo.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 8x09 ♪
The Septum Deviation
Original Air Date on November 13, 20

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

(snoring)

Okay, why?

I'm listening to you snore.

I'm wondering how
I'll ever sleep without it.

If it helps you sleep,

then why are you sitting here
staring at me

like the albino boogeyman?

Really, Leonard-- insults?

After I spent two hours
in your closet,

waiting for you to fall asleep?

What's your problem?

If the surgery is successful,
the snoring is gone.

And if you die during surgery...

...the snoring is gone.

It sounds like either way,
I finally get some rest.

I have to be honest
with you Leonard,

I'm truly worried.

I-I told you, there's
nothing to worry about.

Well, I've been
doing some research

and I've learned that
one in 700,000 people

die from general anesthesia.

Buddy, w... Do you realize that
that also means

699,999 people don't die?

I suppose that's true.

You're such a glass
half-full kind of guy.

I'm going to miss that.

Oh, so, my, uh, parents'
40th anniversary's coming up

and I can't think
of a thing to get them.

Damn, can you imagine

being married to someone
for 40 years?

Not anymore.

Anyway, any ideas on a gift?

Well, what are some
of the things they like?

They used to like
going to the Mumbai Symphony,

but last year my mom thought
they were phoning it in.

Then my dad said
based on their

love life, she should know
about phoning it in.

He said that to her?

Well, they weren't
speaking at the time,

so he had a servant
say it to her.

Oh, maybe I could
make a gift for them.

I know how much you guys love
the coasters I made for you.

They're yours in the divorce.

Hey. What're you working on?

Remember when I said
if you went through

with your surgery, there was a
one-in-700,000 chance of dying?

Yeah...?

Well, I've been
crunching the numbers,

and so far, I've gotten
your probability of death

all the way to a
sphincter-tightening

one in 300.

Great timing.

My “check sphincter”
light just went on.

Leonard, what if you have
an allergic reaction

to the surgeon's latex gloves?
I'm not

allergic to latex.

Well, then why don't you
wear the rubber gloves

I bought for you
to do the dishes?

For the same reason I don't
wear the apron or the hair net.

Fine. What about epilepsy?

I don't have epilepsy, either.

You don't,
but the surgeon might, hmm?

And your carotid artery is just
one shaky scalpel away

from becoming the dancing
fountain at Disneyland.

Sheldon, do you realize that
driving is riskier than surgery?

I do. I have the drive
to the hospital right here.

That is if
you make it

to the car without
falling down the stairs.

And don't expect me to carry
you, I do that enough in life.

Buddy, I-I get that
you're worried about me

and I-I appreciate that,
but I'm not going to die.

You don't know that.
Well...

I do know that it won't
be from an asteroid strike.

You know who else said that?

Every cocky T. Rex
currently swimming around

in the gas tank of your car.

I-If there was
an asteroid strike,

wouldn't you die, too?

I don't know--
I'm smart and scrappy,

I think I'd find a way.

Tell you what--
the surgery's not for a week,

I'll think about it.

Thank you. And while
you're thinking about it,

if you have the surgery
in Nicaragua during

monsoon season,
I can practically

guarantee your death.

Yes. Okay.

I-I understand.

Of course, yes.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Bye.

So I found this fencing school
in Burbank

that has a Jedi class.

And if you're cool
being the only adults there,

they said they are.

Dude, my parents just split up.

What?!
Uh, that was my dad on the phone.

He moved out.

Oh, my God, I... I'm sorry.

I mean, if you're not up to it,
we don't have to go out,

we can just hang here.
No,

it's fine.
It's not that big a deal.

As long as they're happy,
I'm happy.

And when I get to see them
for the holidays,

I'll get to celebrate
Diwali twice--

one at each house.

That's double the Diwali.

You sure you're okay?

I'm okay.

You don't look okay.

(wails): How can I be okay?
I come from a broken home.

The doctor said I should be
out of surgery by 10:00.

Okay.

And Sheldon really believes
we're at a public swimming pool?

He was so busy figuring out
how many parts per million

of urine we'd be floating around
in, he didn't even question it.

18 parts per million.

And he's still doing it.

Don't worry about that.
I'm happy to take you to work.

Well, thank you.

And Leonard never lets me have
French toast sticks in the car.

I can't have syrupy fingers,

but he can do the backstroke
in a toilet bowl.

It's nice they're
getting exercise.

Although now that
I think about it,

Leonard would never
go swimming in public

without his swim shirt.

I'm sure he brought it.

No, but last year,
at Magic Mountain,

he got such a bad sunburn,

we had to cut him out of it.

He probably got a new one.
Finish your breakfast.

Look, there's an entire
section of my dashboard

that doesn't have
any syrup on it.

You're acting odd. Why?

I'm odd all the time,
everyone knows that.

Just last night,

I tried to see how many fava
beans I could fit in my mouth.

Tell me the truth.

28.
Come on.

Fifty-six.

Amy!

What's going on?

All right.

Don't get upset, but...

an earlier appointment
opened up for Leonard

and he's getting
the surgery right now.

I see.

Take me to Leonard.

Just go to work,
he'll be fine.

Amy, he's my best friend,
and if you don't take me,

I'm going there anyway.

Fine.

It's sweet that you
care about him so much.

I do.

And I wouldn't
be able to forgive myself,

if something happened to him
and I wasn't at his bedside

to say, “I told you so.”

Hello.

We had a really nice swim.

Oh, stop it.

I assume this medical
center's already treated

the burns on your bottom
from the recent pants fire.

'Cause I'm a liar, liar?

That's for the fire marshal
to determine.

You had to tell him?

He wore me down.

And I was distracted.

He has on
extra baby powder today.

Is he okay?

He's still in surgery.

(exhales)

Very well.

He's gonna be all right.

That is sticky.

Come on,
let's talk about something

other than the surgery.

That's a good idea.
(sighs)

Penny, did you and Leonard ever
discuss funeral arrangements?

I think she meant
something a little happier.

I suppose we could try
to make it a celebration,

but he died so young.

(knocking on door)

Knock, knock.
Hi.

Hey.
What brings you by?

Oh...

muffin much.

Told you-- not funny.

He's just not laughing

because he's feeling...
blue berry.

Tough crowd.

I'm sorry.

This is very sweet. Thanks.

So, how you doing?

Better. I guess

the news just hit me
a lot harder than I expected.

Well, of course.

I would be devastated
if my parents split up.

Why? Your father barely
speaks to your mother.

Well, at least
he stuck around,

not like your dad,
who just took off.

As you can see, we're
here to cheer you up.

Sorry, Raj.

Do you have any sense of
what happened with your folks?

I think, over time, they started
to resent each other,

and instead of talking
about the things

that bothered them,
they kept it bottled up,

and the hate just grew.

It's a shame they spent
all that time unhappy.

But sometimes,

there's muffin
you can do about it.

You get it, right?

Oh, it's nice
you got him that.

Oh, this isn't
for Leonard, no.

Amy bought it for me.

Stubbed his toe on the
revolving door on the way in.

You know those confounded
things make me dizzy.

Who told you
to keep going around?

There was a large
plant in the lobby.

It kept looking
like the outside.

Okay, listen,
when Leonard comes out,

he is not gonna feel great,

so, please don't
give him a hard time.

Penny has a good point.

This is like the man
in the supermarket

with the goiter on his neck.

Whatever you're thinking,
just keep it to yourself.

It was like a grapefruit.

And I'm sure he knew that

before you held
a grapefruit up next to it.

Well, I'm not
making any promises.

Not only did Leonard take what
I feel is an unnecessary risk,

he deceived me.

Okay, the reason
he deceived you is

you were being
a pain in the ass.

The reason I was being
a pain in the B is

because I was worried about
him, and no one else was.

Really? You won't
even say “A”?

You bet your
sweet B I won't.

Obviously, I care
about Leonard.

I'm gonna spend the rest
of my life with him.

And I'm not?

(rumbling)

(gasps)
It's an earthquake.

I knew it.

Sheldon, it was
just a little tremor.

A little tremor that turns
routine sinus surgery

into a frontal
lobotomy.

Oh, I don't care
for this at all.

Oh, I need to
see he's okay.

Sheldon, you can't
go back there.

Try and stop me!

(thud)

Are you okay?

Why didn't you stop me?!

Can I tell you
something?

This whole thing
with Raj's parents

just got me
a little worried about us.

What are you talking about?
We're fine.

And Raj's parents

probably split up
because of Raj.

What?!

They always say the children
aren't to blame, but...

(laughing):
Come on.

I'm not joking, Howie.

You heard what he said
about his parents.

It was the little things
they kept bottled up.

I don't want that
to happen to us.

How can I convince you it won't?

Well, is there anything about me
you're keeping inside?

(chuckles)
I'm not answering that.

It's a trap.

So there are things
you don't like.

And here I am in the trap.

You just keep talking.

I'm gonna chew my leg off.

Just tell me one thing
that bothers you,

and I promise I won't get mad.

Okay. The truth is...

sometimes... you're too...

beautiful.

Oh.

Howie, be serious.

Okay, okay.

I really don't like

how your wings poke me
when we sleep

'cause you're an angel.

Okay, fine,
maybe it was a bad idea.

I just don't think the secret
to a happy marriage

is going out of our way
to criticize each other.

Although, there are ways
to improve our communication.

One thing I learned when
I was in couples therapy was...

Who were you

in couples therapy with?

Not important.

Was it your mom?

Not important.

It was your mom.

Anyway, the therapist had us
tell each other

what we loved about one another.

Oh, that's so sweet!

I want to do that.

All right.

Okay, um...

I love that you make me laugh.

Thank you.

And I love that you're strong
and independent.

And yet, I still love
when you hold a door for me.

I love that I'm kind of a slob
around here, and...

(laughing):
you're okay with that.

Uh-huh.

And I love that I work
and do all the cleaning,

and you're okay with that.

See, I am.

Isn't this great?

Come on, smile.

This is gonna be
my Christmas card.

(in nasal voice): You know this is
all your fault.

(in nasal voice):
How is it my fault?

I told you not to
get the surgery.

Okay, first of all,
the surgery was a success,

and secondly,
I didn't even want you there.

Wow. I don't know
which hurts worse--

my nose or my heart.

Well, I'm done
speaking to you.

AMY:
Don't be like that.

You two need to
talk this out.

Yeah, 'cause
you sound really funny.

Sheldon, I'm sorry I didn't
tell you about the surgery,

but you were worried
about nothing.

Oh, you're hardly
out of the woods, no.

You still run the risk of
infection, a blood clot,

the possibility that
an inattentive surgeon

let a barn spider
lay eggs in your nose.

The minute you sneeze web,
I'm moving out.

I never thought
I'd say these words,

but come on, nose spider!

Who are you kidding?

You were so panicked

Leonard was gonna die,
you'll never leave him.

Sheldon will move out
eventually.

Yeah, once he figures out
how to work a door.

I was not panicked, and I am
not overly attached to Leonard.

You were so worried
that you smashed your face

trying to check on me.

You love me.

SHELDON:
Yeah. Tell me

those aren't the
words of a man

with a spider eating its
way through his brain.

Amy, you're a neuroscientist.

Crack his skull open,
spray some Raid in there.

I love that you take pride
in your looks,

even when I have

to pee in the morning,

and you're in there
spending an hour on your hair.

I love that you're too good
to pee in the kitchen sink.

I love
that you have the confidence

to speak, even without giving it
an ounce of thought.

And I love how your hair
is always on the soap.

It's like washing myself
with a hamster.

(knocking on door)

Hey, guys.
Sorry I am so late.

I was on the phone
with my mother.

Oh, how is she?

Pretty good.

She bought the book
Eat, Pray, Love

and used it to set my father's
Mercedes on fire.

So, what's up with you guys?

We're just saying all the things
we love about each other.

Oh, like you and I
did at couples therapy.

Ooh, what'd you get?

Oh, I ordered it
before your surgery.

It's the urn I was going
to put you in.

Okay, that's morbid.

Send it back.

I can't send it back--
I had it engraved.

“Here lie the ashes
of Leonard Hofstadter.

He thought he was right,
but his roommate knew better."

That's funny.

Boy, I'm gonna miss
these painkillers.

Hey, why did you get two?

"I'm with stupid."
Oh, that one's mine.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man