The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 12, Episode 6 - The Imitation Perturbation - full transcript

Hey, did you guys know

this year's the fortieth anniversary
of Halloween?

See... Oh, nonsense.

Halloween traditions date back
to the Celtic festival of Samhain.

Although, our current Halloween customs

come from the evening
before All Hallows Day,

All Hallows Eve, thus Halloween.

I meant the movie Halloween.

Oh.

Well, that's not interesting at all.

Did you know
that Michael Myers' mask from the film



was actually a Captain Kirk mask
turned inside out?

Okay, now it's interesting!

Are you guys all dressing up for work?

Of course. I mean, how often
do you get to wear costumes to work?

Says the man
with a giant belt buckle and a dickie.

Hey, this is not a costume.
It's a choice, it's a style.

It's a tragedy.

Bernadette, why don't we
get to dress up at work?

We used to, but a couple of guys
in the infectious disease lab

went as zombies
and it triggered a quarantine.

The CDC was so mad.

Hey, if you really wanna dress up,
we could throw a party.

Oh, that would be fun.

You know, I used to throw
Halloween parties all the time



when I moved into the building.

All the time?
I only remember being invited to one.

Please don't make this awkward for me.

Okay, so Friday night,
Halloween party here.

- Okay.
- Great. Can't wait.

What are you going as?

I don't wanna ruin the surprise.
You'll see it at work.

Just a warning, it's pretty scary.

- Oh, is it a bird?
- No.

- Is it a dog?
- No.

Oh, I think I'll be fine then.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

I see you are dressed as Doc Brown
from Back to the Future.

May I assume
that Amy is going as his wife,

Clara Clayton
from Back to the Future Part Three?

She is.

Hmm.

Did you do something different
to your hair?

Yes.

Looking good.

Our whole universe
was in a hot dense state

Then nearly fourteen billion years ago
expansion started...

Wait!

The earth began to cool

The autotrophs began to drool

Neanderthals developed tools

We built a wall
We built the pyramids

Math, science, history
Unraveling the mystery

It all started with the Big Bang!

Bang!

Oh!

Inspector Gadget! And I wanna say

Supreme Court Justice
Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

So close. Kooth Bader Ginsburg.

The notorious KBG.

That's very clever.

Sustained.

Are you gonna dress in drag
in front of your fiancée?

Yeah, we have no secrets
from each other.

Well, except for the fact
that I crocheted this myself.

Hey, Sheldon.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Oh, my God, you look amazing.

I find you guilty of murder
because you are killing it.

Well, technically,
the Supreme Court wouldn't determine

a defendant's guilt or innocence
in a criminal matter.

They could only reverse or remand
a jury's conviction

based on a constitutional
or statutory issue.

Why are you laughing?

His statement was factually correct.

You're sitting in my spot.

You don't have a spot.

What is wrong with you today?

Maybe he's cranky
because he's off his bathroom schedule.

Oh, I can understand
how that would make someone irritable.

Interesting fact, "irritable" comes
from the Latin "susceptible to anger."

Just because I used a word
doesn't mean I want its etymology.

Interesting fact, "etymology" comes
from the Greek word...

You are being so annoying. Stop it!

And why are you two laughing?

Sheldon, he's being you.
He's dressed as you for Halloween.

Oh.

Well, so you're not laughing at him,

you're laughing at me.

But we're not laughing at you,
we're laughing with you.

But I'm not laughing.

Then the first one.

Ready to go?

Hey, why aren't you in your costume?

I just didn't feel like it.

You get that I'm wearing a corset
because of you,

not because I'm tired of breathing?

Amy, do you think
I'm always correcting other people?

No, not all the time.
I mean, just last week,

Penny ended a sentence
with a preposition,

you didn't even mention it.

True.

I just waited until I got home
and screamed into a pillow.

Is something bothering you?

Howard dressed up as me and imitated me
and everyone laughed.

Oh.

Well, that must've felt terrible.

It did.

I never realized my friends viewed me
as an object of ridicule.

Oh, I don't think that's true.

They laughed, Amy, in a derisive way.

Not in the instructive way

I laugh at them
when they're being stupid.

Hey. Happy Halloween.

Oh, trick or treat.

No, sorry, you're not wearing a costume.

Yeah, I am.
I'm a pharmaceutical sales rep.

I'm gonna need more.

Okay, failed actress
who traded constant rejection

for a Christmas bonus and a dental plan.

- Go nuts.
- Ah.

I will.

So, what are you wearing to the party?

Sexy cat? Sexy nurse? Sexy zombie?

Why do girls' costumes have to be sexy
but guys' costumes don't?

Say that again
with this helicopter on my head.

Very cute.

Hey, do you remember what happened

at that first Halloween party
that you invited me to?

When I threw up in the pumpkin?

More memorable than that.

Really? That was pretty impressive.

We had our first kiss,
on this very couch.

No, no, our first kiss
was at your birthday. Remember?

I threw you a party, you didn't make it,
and I felt bad for you.

No, no, it was on Halloween
and you felt bad for me.

If we're gonna go through
every party where I felt bad for you,

we're gonna be here awhile.

- Never mind.
- What?

- You're not mad at me, are you?
- No, of course not.

No, we just remember
different things from that party.

I remember falling in love
and you remember vomiting in a pumpkin.

I was, like, four feet away.
People cheered!

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

So, did you see Howard's costume?

See it? I made it. It was hilarious.

Well, Sheldon didn't think so,
and neither did I.

Oh, come on, it was all in good fun.

Well, I'm sure it was,
but Sheldon's feelings got hurt.

Maybe Howard could apologize?

You're kidding, right?

Sheldon didn't apologize when he said
my baby looked like Winston Churchill.

He loves Churchill.

Your son should take that
as a compliment.

He said it about my daughter.

Well, this isn't about Sheldon.
This is about Howard.

I think it is about Sheldon.

How many times has he made fun of Howard

for being an engineer,
going to MIT, his magic?

Sheldon doesn't make fun of his magic.

Well, he should. It's stupid.

Anyway, the point is
Sheldon shouldn't dish it out

if he can't take it.

I think the point is
that Howard owes him an apology.

No, I think the point is
if Sheldon has a problem with Howard,

Sheldon should take it up with him.

Mama.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

the Prime Minister of England
needs her diaper changed.

Hey.

Oh, that's great.

He's a Supreme Court Justice
and you're the US Constitution.

Yup, he interprets me.

And guess what's underneath this,

the Bill of Tights.

Smart, funny, gorgeous.
Are we a match or what?

Hey, Bert, what are you dressed as?

I'll give you a hint.

My work
in seismic refraction measurements and...

Hey, Stuart, what are you dressed as?

I'm a butterfly.

Did you steal those
from Halley's "Let's Pretend" box?

I'm gonna put 'em back.

All right, I'll tell you.
I'm Maurice "Doc" Ewing,

winner of the 1960 Vetlesen Prize.

Generally regarded
as the Nobel Prize of Geology.

Oh, yeah, now I see it.

Ask me how I died.

Spoiler alert, brain hemorrhage.

Well, cor blimey,
you look like a thousand tuppence.

Don't he, Mary Poppins?

Are you gonna talk like that all night?

Jiff Willikers, I am.

Isn't he cute? He's gonna get
a spoonful of sugar later.

And I'm gonna sweep
Ms. Poppins' chimney.

So, here we are. On Halloween.

On this couch. Does it ring any bells?

Really? We're still doing this.

I'm just surprised
you don't remember our first kiss.

Fine, it was on Halloween.

Are you agreeing just to shut me up?

You got another way, I'm all ears.

- Really? An arranged marriage?
- Yeah, I know how it sounds.

It sounds awesome.

Is that just an Indian thing
or can I get a piece of that?

You know the woman has a choice, right?

There's always a catch.

Happy Halloween!

Who wants to see a magic trick?

Oh, that's right, no one.

Ha!

They're you.

What do you think you're doing?

I thought it was clear.

I'm being unnecessarily hurtful
but with a sweet voice.

And I don't understand what's going on
because I went to MIT.

Okay, guys, I think that's enough.

Hold on. I'm the judge here
and I'm going to allow it.

Raj, take a break.

Hey, free speech,
right back there somewhere.

You know what, guys?

You got us. Congratulations.

Now, why don't you
go back to your apartment

and put on your other costumes?

But it's so far away,
and I have such teeny tiny legs.

Really? Our bodies?
Is that where we're going, Amy?

What's wrong with my body?

Well, for starters,
you have a quarter in your nose.

Not now, Sheldon.

I don't get invited to a lot of parties.
Is this a good one?

Oh, yeah.

Did that guacamole taste weird to you?

Tasted weird to me.

Can't believe Amy did that.

Oh, come on, you thought it was funny
when I dressed up as Sheldon.

- That was totally different.
- How?

That didn't hurt my feelings.

Well, for what it's worth,

I didn't think
it was a very good impression of you.

Really? You don't think I have
an annoying high-pitched voice?

No, not at all. In fact,
I find your voice quite melodious.

Mmm-hmm.

And you don't think
I'm unnecessarily hurtful?

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear the question,
I just heard the music.

Well, people came, they ate, they vowed
to never speak to each other again.

I think it was a successful party.

It was. And I'm sorry about earlier.
I know it doesn't matter.

No, it does matter, okay?
You were right, it was Halloween.

I was dressed as a cat,
you were a hobbit.

It was right there on that couch.

Why didn't you just say that?

Because I always hated
that was our first kiss.

I was drunk and I was still with Kurt,

and I was using you
to make myself feel better.

I just wanted our first kiss
to mean something.

That's why I said
it was the one on your birthday.

I like that.

We'll make that our official first kiss.

Thank you. Aww.

That was beautiful.

What are you still doing here?

I was in the bathroom.
Guacamole didn't agree with me.

Well, since you're here,
you can help us clean up.

- Will you take this out, please?
- Sure.

- Thank you.
- It's late.

Would you mind
if I crashed here tonight?

- You are always welcome here.
- Thank you.

Where were we?

I think Howard hurting my feelings

has, in some ways,
made me a better person.

Hmm, look at you
improving on perfection. How so?

As you were eating that Danish,
I wanted to point out

that the Danish isn't Danish at all.
It was imported by Austrian bakers

during a labor dispute in the 1800s.
But I chose not to

because I didn't wanna be
the kind of fellow

who foists unwanted facts

about European pastries
on the unwilling.

Huh, that's actually interesting.

Sorry, now you'll never know.

Hey, guys, I need your help.

Bernadette's still pretty upset
about your costumes.

She's upset? Those pants I wore
to make fun of you were so tight,

I risked a testicular hernia.

Anyway, if you guys could apologize,
it'd be a big help.

We'd be happy to apologize to her
as soon as she apologizes to me

for not making you apologize to Sheldon.

I didn't follow that, but then,
between my wife and that guacamole,

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

Don't you think it's unreasonable

for her to ask us to do something
she refused to do?

Yes. So, when can you stop by?

I don't understand.
If it's unreasonable,

why should we do it?

Okay, how about this? You know

in Star Wars, when R2
and Chewbacca were playing holochess...

- Really? Star Wars?
- Amy, let the man speak.

Chewbacca was losing,
and getting angry and...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait,

are you saying
we should let the Wookiee win?

Hey... Hey, that's my wife
you're talking about.

But, yes,
let the Wookiee win.

Hello, Bernadette.

Wait, did you just walk into my house?

- No, Howard let me in.
- Where is he?

Oh, he got in his car and drove away.

- Oh, is that watermelon for anybody?
- It's for Halley.

Is she gonna eat all of it?

God, no wonder she looks like Churchill.

What do you want, Sheldon?

Howard said your feelings were hurt.

Well, Howard's wrong.
I don't care if someone makes fun of me.

All right. Apparently,
I came all this way for nothing.

Unless Halley wants
to share that watermelon?

You think Amy's the first person

to make fun of me
for having a squeaky voice?

Do you?

I feel like my chance at watermelon
is dangling by a thread.

'Cause she's not.
It's been happening my whole life.

And she called me out for being mean?
Well, I've had to be mean.

It's hard to be taken seriously

when you're always
the smallest person in the room.

I know that. Well, I was in high school
when I was nine years old.

I tried to tell the other kids that
although my physical stature was small,

my intellectual stature
towered over them.

That only seemed to make things worse.

Well, kids called me
Bernadette the Marionette.

Because you're small.
That's funny.

No, it's not.

Well, people used to call me Egghead,
'cause there were eggs on my head.

'Cause they threw them at me.

That's terrible.

One time, my brothers
made me breathe helium.

I tried to call for help,

but the only one who could hear me
was the dog.

That's also terrible.

My goodness, you had to live
in a house with a dog.

I guess we both had to put up
with a lot of crap from people.

I suppose we have.

Huh.

Maybe you and I are more alike
than we thought.

Maybe we are.

Although, I'm exceptionally tall
and you're exceptionally...

- Sheldon!
- But you didn't let me finish!

Fine. Sorry.

Short.

Sheldon, you sure you're ready for this?
This movie's pretty scary.

I... Please, I'm an adult.
I think I can handle it.

That's what you said
about the butterfly pavilion at the zoo.

That was my fault.

After I pet that goat,
I felt like a gladiator.

Okay, lights on or lights off?

Lights off! I'm gonna do this,
I'm wanna do it right.

What do you guys think you're doing?

We're showing Sheldon Halloween.

Absolutely not. Sheldon, come home.

You...

But I really wanna watch it.

I know you do, but I am forbidding it.

Oh, man. Sorry, guys.

What took you so long?

I'm sorry. I just got your text!