The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 12, Episode 7 - The Grant Allocation Derivation - full transcript

Oh, this is amazing.

I wish I had a playhouse like this
when I was a kid.

Really, you never had a playhouse?

No.

I mean, my dad did buy
the house next door for us to play in.

I'm gonna hook up the garden hose
so it has running water.

Why does it need running water?

Same reason it's got electricity.

Bernadette and I both work
and we're overcompensating.

Yeah. This reminds me of
a traditional Amish barn raising

with everyone pitching in.



How exactly are you pitching in?

I don't hear anyone else giving facts
about traditional Amish barn raising.

The rest of us are pitching in
with hammers and nails.

The facts are my nails

and my voice is the hammer
which pounds them

through the wood of your skull.

Well, that is how it feels.

Hey, can you pass me that drill?

Yeah. Fun fact about Amish barn raising.

They don't use any power tools.

Amy, make him stop!

No. If he tires himself out now,
he'll sleep better tonight.

Hey, Howie, can you give me a hand.

I need to get some work done
and the kids are climbing all over me.



You know what? I'll watch them.

You sure?

But I was just about to tell everyone

why they're called Pennsylvania Dutch
when they really hail from Germany.

Yep.

Thanks.

So, what do ya think? Pretty cool, huh?

And when our kids outgrow it,

we can Airbnb it
to other people's babies.

Funny.

You all right?

Sorry, I haven't had a second to myself.

So let me just go back inside,
finish my report,

brush my teeth,
change out of my pajamas,

make a sandwich

and then I'll come out here
and laugh at your joke.

Ooh.
As long as you're making sandwiches.

You can laugh at that one later too.

All right, I've kept you
in suspense long enough.

Dutch is a bastardization of the word
"Deutsch" meaning German.

What's German for annoying?

Nervig. Why do you ask?

Our whole universe
was in a hot dense state

Then nearly fourteen billion years ago
expansion started...

Wait!

The earth began to cool

The autotrophs began to drool

Neanderthals developed tools

We built a wall
We built the pyramids

Math, science, history
Unraveling the mystery

It all started with the Big Bang!

Bang!

President Siebert, you wanted to see me?

Hey. There's my guy!

You sound like my wife

just before she asked me
to go to Coachella.

No, this is gonna be
way more fun than Coachella.

More fun than heatstroke? Good luck.

So, there are some funds left
in the general administrative grant

and I need somebody to decide
how we should disburse them.

Really?

Wow. What an honor. Thank you.

So how do I decide who gets the money?

How do you decide anything?

Think about it with your brain
and then say it with your mouth.

Yeah, right, sure.

So after I decide, do I then submit it
to you for approval or...

No. You decide, you approve,

and then you pride yourself
on a job well done.

It's a lot of responsibility.

Well, if I didn't think
you were up to the task,

you wouldn't have been fifth on my list.

Thank you.
I'll get started right away.

And I look forward to
hearing nothing about it.

I will keep you posted.

Hey, thank you guys again
for helping out yesterday.

No problem, that was really fun.

It was fun, but I am sore.

You didn't lift a finger.

No, but I narrated the entire event
and I am paying for it today.

Gentlemen.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Leonard, do I detect
a little swagger in your step?

Possibly.

Well, stop. It doesn't suit you.

What's going on?

Siebert put me in charge of handing out

the last bit
of the administrative funds.

And I have sole discretion.

Whoo! Looks like Christmas came early.

First thing on my list
is a golden umbrella

'cause Leonard's gonna make it rain!

Hold on, I'm not just gonna
hand out money.

There's a procedure you need to follow.

I believe he's referring to
the traditional kissing of the buttocks.

Should we form a line

or just do it like
we're bobbing for apples?

Cute. But President Siebert trusted me
with this and I'm taking it seriously.

If you have a legitimate request,
you can submit it to me in writing

and I will evaluate it
based on its merits.

Sure, sure. Is Jet Ski one word or two?

Hofstadter!

Heard Siebert put you in charge
of the administrative fund?

Can't think of a better guy for the job.

I think he's done this before.

Leonard, I know you and I
have a troubled history

but I hope that when I make my request,
you'll give me a fair shot.

Of course.

See? That's why I like
about this guy, integrity.

Bring it in!

I just put something in your pocket.

It's good at all El Pollo Locos.

Halley, leave your brother's
dirty diaper alone!

Put that down.

That is not a hat. That is not a hat!

- Okay, everybody in the sink.
- Ew!

Bad news, Howie.
I'm gonna be stuck at work for a while.

Oh, that's terrible. Hang in there.

I'll be home as soon as I can.

He deserves better.

No, I'm not going to reconsider.
Your request was denied.

I don't care if it helps you think,

you don't need
a koi pond in your office.

Well, you should've thought about that
before you bought the koi.

- Wow. That was a little rough.
- Well, I have to be,

everyone assumes I'm just gonna
give them whatever they want.

Mmm. But you're not. Are you?

No, I'm not.

I mean, look at this.

An espresso machine? I don't think so.

Denied!

Wow. I really like this side of you.

Really?

Yeah, just so decisive.

Well, check this out.

A standing desk.

- Denied!
- Ooh!

If you wanna stand,
do it on your own time.

'Cause I'm the boss.

Yeah, you are!

Hello.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Leonard, I just wanted to
congratulate you

on how well you're managing
this grant money.

- What do you want?
- You...

Nothing.

I just came by to pay you a compliment.

Nice try, the answer's no.

To what?
I'm not asking you for anything.

All I need for my job is right here.
Hmm?

This is my office.
Which makes for a great commute.

Home. Work. Home.

And I'm still working,
I'm just working from home.

You know, if it's that easy

then why does Leonard have to drive you
to work every day?

Because I like the frozen yogurt machine
in the cafeteria.

Oh! I suppose I could use
a frozen yogurt machine...

Denied!

Well, you should've seen him.
Denying things left and right.

It was so sexy!

Of course, I made a request
he did not deny.

Uh-huh.

Are you listening to me?

Yeah, sure. You slept with your husband.

What is going on with you?

It's not a big thing.

Have you ever told Leonard
a little white lie?

Mmm.

Well, he thinks I've seen
every one of the Star Wars movies

but I've really only seen
the one with the gold robot.

That could be any of 'em.

Exactly.

I've been telling Howie that

I've had to work late
the past couple nights,

but really I've just been hiding out
in Halley's playhouse.

Does that make me awful?

Awful, no.

Uh, strange, yes.

Sad, a little, yes.

Just that work's been crazy,
and the minute I get home

I have two kids hanging on me,

and sometimes I don't want
babies pulling my hair

and pinching my belly fat.

It'd be a good slogan
for a condom company.

I love my kids

but that hour to myself
just makes me feel human again.

So you go home and sit alone
in a toy house in the backyard.

Yeah!

Oh! Dr. Hofstadter, did you have
a chance to look over my proposal?

Yeah, I did,
and your research is fascinating.

I had no idea
that crows were that smart.

Do they really hold grudges?

They do.

One of them escaped
from my behavioral study a year ago.

I can't prove it's him
but something craps on my car every day.

Well, look, I only have enough money
to fund one request

but your project is
definitely in the running.

Okay, but, when do you think
you might make a decision?

Because I have to upgrade their cages
before they learn how to open the locks.

When I came into my lab, this morning,

they suddenly got silent.

I think they're planning something.

Uh, soon. I've narrowed it down
to three projects.

Whoa! Is mine one of them?

Actually, yeah.

The software in the telescope room
hasn't been upgraded in years,

it seems like it might be time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

So you're just gonna give
the money to your friend?

I smell a rat.

I work with rats too. That might be me.

I'm not just giving it
to my friend, Barry.

Your proposal is also in the mix.

Wait, so those are the three?

You're not even considering mine?

Why, because they're PhDs
and I'm just an engineer?

No, because they wrote
detailed proposals

and you sent a YouTube clip of the guy
from Jerry Maguire saying,

"Show me the money."

All right, Hofstadter,
what's it gonna be?

Which project are you gonna pick?

Yeah, come on, Leonard. Tell us now.

But remember, crows aren't the only ones
who can hold a grudge.

Look, all three of your proposals
have a lot of merit.

I just wanna make sure
I'm making the right decision.

I can tell you're stressed.
If it helps, I withdraw my proposal.

It doesn't help.

Fine, then I'm back in the mix.

Show me the money!

Okay. I just...

I need everyone to back off.

I'm in charge here and I'll decide
when I'm ready to decide.

When will that be?

A day, a week, I don't know.

- Where are you going?
- I don't know that either!

Ooh!

Someone's making decisions.

Reviewing these proposals.

Yeah. 'Cause you're the boss man,
telling people what's what. I like it.

It's just so hard!

All three of these proposals have merit.

How do I choose?

Well, not with that voice.

There has got to be a right decision
based on empirical evidence.

Look, I made pros and cons lists,

and then I came up with
three different scoring systems

to determine the best project.

I just don't know
which scoring system to use!

So I'm working on a meta-scoring system
to score the scoring systems

but the math is really complicated.

Do you want me to walk you through it?

- Cheers!
- Cheers!

Turn that off.
Are you trying to get us caught?

Oh.

So, I've narrowed it down to
three worthwhile projects,

but I only have the money
to fund one of them.

Lucky for you, I have a solution.

I can't wait.

You free up more money
and I fund all of them.

Mmm. No.

Or...

Hear me out.

Yes.

That way everybody's happy.

You can't make everybody happy.

- I think I can.
- You can't.

- No, actually...
- You're making me unhappy.

Okay, what would you do?

I'd find some sap and put him in charge
so I wouldn't have to be the bad guy.

That's a really good idea... Oh.

- Watcha doing?
- Oh.

You scared me.

I'll ask again.

Whatcha doing?

Nothing.

Really?

You and Bernadette
aren't doing stuff without me?

What? No! Why would you even say that?

You know how your talent is
getting just drunk enough

to have a good time
without being hungover the next day?

Thank you.

Well, mine is knowing
when I'm being excluded. So spill.

I'm just running some errands.

Yeah?

With a bag full of wine?

I just gotta stay hydrated.

Try again.

Okay. Look, I'm sorry.

We did not mean
to leave you out, all right?

Bernadette has been feeling
fried at home

so we ended up hanging out
in Halley's playhouse.

- Like a secret club?
- What?

No!

Just like a place to spend time
that we don't tell anyone else about.

And what would be
a shorter way of saying that?

Secret club, yeah.

- Well, you really hurt my feelings.
- Oh.

What can I do to make it up to you?

I'm in a secret club!

Is there some sort of
humiliating initiation?

'Cause I would literally do anything!

Leonard, you've been losing to me in
three-dimensional chess for many years.

You know what would be neat?

If this was some sort of long con,
and one day you say,

"Let's make this interesting,"
put money on it

and reveal that you
actually know what you're doing.

- A very long con indeed. Checkmate.
- Oh.

Sorry, I'm distracted.

Ooh. Aren't you the hustler?

No matter who I give the funds to,
someone is gonna be upset with me.

Do you really care
if people are angry at you?

- Of course.
- Interesting.

Why don't you go to the store
and get me some tapioca pudding

or I'm gonna be angry at you.

No.

So it comes and goes?

How do you not care
what people think of you?

It's easy. I mean, not
beating-you-at chess easy, but what is.

Wait.

You can make this decision.

You don't care if you upset people.
You can pick for me.

- I certainly could.
- Oh, great.

But I won't.

I think this is
a learning opportunity for you.

Sheldon, come on!

I'm sorry. Did I upset you?

- Yes!
- Ask me how I feel about that.

So where does Leonard think you are?

Oh. I told him I was at yoga.

Well,
you are stretching the truth.

Oh, yeah?
Where does Sheldon think you are?

Oh. Sheldon's kinda like a dog.

He doesn't really think about me
when I'm gone

but he's so happy when I show up.

Oh.

Who likes Easy-Bake quesadilla?

Oh, me!

Oh! Hot.

Shh!

Thanks for letting me
come over and hang.

So Leonard still hasn't made
a decision yet?

No. And I've really been
laying on the guilt.

Did you break out the sad eyes?

You mean these bad boys?

What do we do?

We're just gonna have to wait
till they go back inside.

Okay. Okay. Can we very quietly
open that second bottle of wine?

Hey. Don't freak out, but I think
there's someone in your playhouse.

Oh, yeah, that's just Bernadette.

She's been hiding out there all week.

Really, why?

Oh. I don't know.

She's been a little overwhelmed at work,

and frankly, me and the kids are a lot.

She just needs some downtime.

And you just pretend
like you don't know?

Sure.

I mean, that's how marriage works.

Three years ago,

I told her I got life insurance
and I totally didn't.

If someday she's gonna find out,
I'm gonna say,

"Ah! I know you've been hiding
in the playhouse!"

Why don't you just get
the life insurance?

Whose side are you on?

Can you hear what they're saying?

I'm trying.

Oh. Sounds like Penny's in there too.

Seriously, Leonard?

You didn't pick my project?

I'm sorry, Raj.

- What, you go with crow lady?
- No.

You gave the money to Kripke?

I did not.

Wait, I'm confused. I thought there were
only three projects in contention.

Well, there were.

But at the last minute
someone submitted an application

for a pretty cool Europium-doped laser
and they made a very compelling case.

What was the case?

Oh. That it was me and I wanted it.

You can't do that.
You can't just fund your own project.

Turns out I can and I did.

Interesting, what about not wanting
everybody to be mad at you?

Well, I realized that
no matter what decision I made,

people were gonna be mad at me,
and this way I get a laser.

That is the most selfish thing
you've ever done.

I'm proud of you.

I don't care.

- Yes, you do.
- Yeah, I do.

The Europium-laser is so cool.

It has a four level FF transition,

which provides for high power output

and it's quantum efficiency
is off the charts.

What're you going to use it for?

I have no idea.

Leonard,

there's a crow on your roof.

I see it.

Is that one of Dr. Lee's crows?

It has a tag on its leg.

Don't make any sudden moves.

Smart. Let's stand
perfectly still until they...

He's the one you want!