The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 12, Episode 5 - The Planetarium Collision - full transcript

Recently, 12 new moons

were discovered
orbiting Jupiter,

bringing the total up to 79.

As a middle child myself,
I'd like to extend

my sympathies to moons
two through 78.

Your grandpa
will never learn your name.

I'd like to thank you for
joining me on this journey

through the stars.

If you enjoyed this lecture,

please come back Thursday
for the exact same one.

Do I look like I just woke up?



No. Great. I'm gonna
go say hey to Raj.

What were you guys
giggling about?

They were passing
notes to each other.

Ho, love notes?

If you love math.

And we do.

It's for our
super-asymmetry theory.

Yeah, Amy and I have
been having so much fun

collaborating together.

Well, you know what they
say, you never collaborate

as much as your first
year of marriage.

Hey, great show. Thanks.

Howard, this is Andrea.

She's the director
of the planetarium.Hi.



Nice to meet you.
I'm Howard Wolowitz.

Engineer, husband, father...

astronaut.

Really? You're an astronaut?

Well, I don't like to brag.

Yeah, but somehow, you manage.

Raj, you should have Howard
join you for one of your shows.

That might be fun.

But... it might be, but with
two small children at home

and a full-time job,
I'm sure you're too busy.

No, I could find the time.

Well, you don't have
to decide right now. It's okay, I...

He can't do it.

Hey, hurry up, guys.

The gift shop's closing,
and Amy said

I can get one big thing
or two little things.

So I'm gonna place the sensory
isolation helmet on you

for about five minutes.

All you need to do

is sit still and relax.

What do I do if I start
to get claustrophobic?

The helmet will sense that
and stop the experiment.

Really? No, but that would
be cool, wouldn't it?

Amy, are you busy?

I've got a subject wired up
for a sensory study.

So...

Yes, I'm busy.

I'm tracking a subject's
brain activity

in real time as we
introduce olfactory stimuli.

I'm smelling baby powder.

That's just my husband.

Well, I had a thought about
our super-asymmetry theory.

Let me show you this one thing.

Well, I-I want to see it,

but not when I'm in the middle
of an experiment.

Still baby powder!

Boy, he is annoying. Do any
of those buttons shock him?

Look, I'm really excited
about our paper, too,

but I've got
a lot of my own work

to catch up on,
so let's talk later.

Okay, I'll just say one
more thing Lambda calculus.

And if that wets your whistle,
you know where to find me.

Boop.

You okay? You seem distracted.

I'm-I'm just thinking about Raj.

I'm thinking about
Chris Hemsworth. Let's go.

He sort of hurt my feelings.

Biceps, hammer, abs.
Still in it.

Why wouldn't he want me to be
in his planetarium show?

And it's gone.

Sorry, it's just the director
of the planetarium thought

it'd be fun for me to join Raj
for one of his shows,

and he made it clear
that he didn't want me to.

Of course he wouldn't
want you to.

I mean, think about it.
If you were him,

would you want to share the
stage with a sexy-ass astronaut?

I don't know.
How sexy are we talking?

You know, tight pants,
huge biceps, magic hammer.

Wait, w-who are we talk...
Shh, I'm back in it.

The fundamental problem

with elementary quantum
mechanical formalism

is that the Fourier transform

extends to minus infinity
in time.

Hey, don't dumb this down
for me.

Penny, I'm...

Late for that thing. See you.

Leonard!

Sheldon.

Didn't see you there. What's up?

Well, he was
excited to talk science

with Amy,
but she was working late,

so he decided to come over
and share it with me.

With me, Leonard.

With me.

Sheldon,
we've talked about this.

You can't go around
boring other people's wives.

Yeah.

I already got a man for that.

Yeah, you do. Yeah.

It's just, I've
just been enjoying

my collaboration with Amy,

but ever since we got back
from our honeymoon,

she has so little time.

Well, she does have her own job.

Yeah, but it's so dull.

Trying to understand
how the brain

translates the five senses
into biochemical information.

I'd rather wait in line
without my phone.

Okay, well, Leonard's here now.
You can talk science with him.

Where you going?

That thing you were late for.

One of us should
really be there.

Hey. Got a sec?

Sure. What's up?

I just want to let
you know I get

why you don't want me to be
a part of the planetarium show.

Great. Thanks for stopping by.

You don't want to talk
about the stars

next to an actual astronaut.

That would be like doing karaoke
with a rock star.

First of all, I've totally done
karaoke with a rock star.

Or are you forgetting
when the Spin Doctors

handed me the mic
at the Orange County Fair?

Listen, I understand
you being intimidated,

but I can't help that I'm proud
of being an astronaut.

It's a big deal.

It certainly is,
but I also happen to be

very accomplished in my field.

Great. So you have no reason

to be scared
of sharing the spotlight.

Please. I may be scared
of heights and spiders

and showing up
at a costume party

that turns out
to be a regular party,

but I am not scared of sharing
the spotlight with you!

What's happening?

I just stormed out
for dramatic effect.

I... Actually, I-I don't have
anywhere to go.

President Siebert, how much
do you know about physics?

I'm a physicist.

I would not have guessed that.

I have a doctorate
from Indiana University.

That makes more sense.

Well, don't worry, I'll go slow.

Thank you.

Dr. Fowler and I have
been working on

a theory of super-asymmetry

that could reconcile the lack
of observation of supersymmetry

in a world still governed
by string theory.

Interesting. So you're taking
the paradigms of supersymmetry,

but removing the limitations
of obeying the Poincaré algebra.

Well, aren't you just
the pride of Bloomington?

What do you want, Sheldon?

Dr. Fowler has
found herself distracted

by the commitments
in her own lab.

It would be a great help
to both of us

if you could free her up
from her other projects.

I'm confused. Yeah, well, there's
that Indiana.

This is physics research.
Dr. Fowler's a neuroscientist.

Y-Yes,

but her insights
into the very ways

we conceptualize symmetry and
asymmetry have been invaluable.

Dr. Cooper... L-Look, I know

what you're thinking,
that "they're newlyweds",

how are they gonna keep
their hands off of each other?"

Let me assure you, we will not
engage in workplace coitus.

Okay, if I won't
put a bagel on my desk,

I'm certainly not putting
Amy's bare bottom.

I-I must say,
I do not enjoy our talks.

Dr. Park, may I help you?

Actually, yes, do you have any
better notes on this project?

I'm having a hard time
reading your handwriting.

Allow me to rephrase that.

What the hell
are you doing in my lab?

I'm sorry, I was reassigned
to this project.

I was told you were taking

a temporary sabbatical

to focus on other work.

N-No, that-that's crazy.

This is my research.

Amy, there you are. No, not...

Not now, Sheldon, I'm dealing
with an epic screwup,

and when I find out
who's responsible,

they're gonna get an earful.

All right, well,
when you're done, let me know,

I've got some exciting news.

I'm sorry, I'm confused.
President Siebert said

you were focusing on
some important physics work

and I should take over
your lab in the interim.

Hey, that was my exciting news.

All right, I'm gonna
tell you again.

Pretend you haven't heard it.

You got me removed
from my own project?

Yeah, and it wasn't easy.

Apparently, you're very
difficult to replace.

Hey, just between you and me,

they consider Dr. Park
quite the step down.

I was trying to pick my moment
to leave. This seems like it.

Wow. Banker's hours.

No wonder you're not
on the tenure track.

Sheldon, you had no right.

What... I thought you said
you were spread too thin.

You said that you wished
you had more time to focus

on our research.
I thought I was helping.

Well, you're not.

I mean, I have years
invested in this work,

and now someone's gonna
come in and take it over?

I mean, how would you feel
if I let Leonard take over

your super-asymmetry project?

That's funny.

He'd be like a puppy
with a microscope.

If I had a nickel for every time
a charity sent me a nickel.

Really? That's gonna be
our whole life?

If my father's any guide,
around 50,

I start to lose my hearing
and get two new jokes.

Hey. Hey.

I brought Chinese.

That's a nice surprise.
What's the occasion?

Please, I don't need a reason
to bring food to my friends.

But you have one, don't you?

Yeah, I need your help.

All right, lay it on us.

So, I folded,

and I told Howard
he could be a part

of my planetarium show.

And now I'm worried
he's just gonna

make the whole thing
about himself.

So just tell him
you changed your mind

and you don't want him to do it.

No, no, then he's gonna think
I'm too insecure

to share the spotlight with him.

And he'd be right.

I came here for your support.

Well, then, you just walked up

three flights of stairs
for nothing.

Wait, don't you mean
four flights?

No, it's actually three.

But we're on the fourth floor.

I mean, you have the lobby,
first floor,

second, third, fourth.

The lobby's the first floor,

so lobby, second, third, fourth.

That does not seem right.

Hello...

Sorry, Raj, who cares if
Howard tries to steal the show?

All right? You're great
at what you do.

Just be the bigger man.

And if it makes you feel better,
Penny and I will come

so you'll have a couple of
friendly faces in the audience.

Thank you. That would be nice.

Can you just...
Sorry, give me a minute?

Hey, Raj, if I had a nickel
for every time

a charity sent me a nickel...

That's hilarious!

I know.

It's three, right?

Just shut up.

Good, we caught you.

Yes, good.

You had no right
to reassign my project.

Yeah, no right at all.

Dr. Fowler, I don't understand.

Dr. Cooper assured me
this is what you wanted.

Can you believe this guy?

Sure,

so a couple of men get together
behind closed doors

to decide the fate
of a woman's career.

I thought we'd moved past this.

Sheldon, this is your fault.

Ooh, sounds like the old lady's

putting me in the
doghouse tonight.

Dr. Fowler,

you are very important
to this university

and I would like
to sincerely apologize.

So I can have my project back?

I'm afraid it's not that simple.
Why not?

Well, in order
to free up personnel...

Hey, hey, don't go
mansplaining things to her.

I don't think that's
what he was doing.

Then perhaps
you don't understand.

See, mansplaining is when
a man explains things

to a woman like she's stupid.

Boop.

So when was the last time

you saw Howard in his
astronaut uniform?

About a week ago.

Really? What was the occasion?

Date night.

We do a little role-playing.

What role do you play?

I am Ykatarina Nazdorovya,

lonely Russian cosmonaut
who is expert at physics

and making love.

Okay, that just made
the next hour really weird.

Good evening,
I am Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali,

and usually I take you on a trip
through the stars,

but tonight,
we'll begin our journey

much closer to home, 220 miles

straight up to
the International Space Station,

which is manned by a team
of brave men and women.

Flexible men and women.

Switch with me.

And we are fortunate

to have one of those men
here with us tonight.

Please welcome to
the Griffith Observatory

astronaut Howard Joel Wolowitz.

Kak horosho.

What is she ta... Don't ask.

Thank you, Raj, that was
a really nice introduction.

Well, it's from my heart.

So, Howard, you are
in an elite group.

Only 232 people
have ever been on

the International Space
Station. How does that

make you feel?

Honestly, lucky.

Most astronauts have to
train their whole lives.

I was just in the right
place at the right time.

Please, luck had
nothing to do with it.

You people need to know
how impressive

this man is. He was up there

because he's the
only one qualified

to install a piece of
equipment that he designed.

Thanks, but if you want
to talk impressive,

this guy right here
discovered a planetary object

outside the Kuiper belt.

He worked on the Mars rover.

He helped launch the
New Horizons space probe.

He went to space
on a Russian rocket.

And I was scared the whole time.

And I was scared for you,
but also proud.

Wow.

I don't think you've ever
said that to me before.

I should have,

and I'm gonna say it again.

I'm proud of you.

You're my best friend,
and I love you.

Aw, Raj, I love you, too.

What is happening?

Bring it in, spaceman,
you've been cleared for landing.

Can you believe these two...
Are you crying?

Hello, Sheldon.

Hello, Arthur.

Now, I'm confused, usually when
you appear to me in my dreams,

we're on the planet Dagobah.

This is Dagobah.

I didn't know that Dagobah
had delicatessens.

Not good ones.

Whatever you do,

don't order the Reuben.

I'm having a problem
in my marriage.

I've upset my wife and I don't
know how to make it right.

And you're... and
you're coming to me for advice?

I-I upset my wife every time
I woke up in the morning.

I'm not coming to you,

you're just a manifestation
of my subconscious.

I mean,
I'm actually coming to me.

So you know everything
I'm going to say.

Yes, but it sounds
wiser from you

because you're old and glowing.

Fine.

Rule number one in a marriage.

Don't go to bed angry.

That makes sense.

Rule number two in a marriage.

If you don't recognize
the shoes under your bed,

they're not your shoes.

Because they're her shoes?

N-Never mind,

just-just go with
rule number one.

Thank you, Arthur.

Before you go,
can I ask you a question?

Of course.

Does this look lean to you?

I ordered lean.

Amy. Wake up. Amy.

What? What's wrong?

We can't go to sleep
angry with each other.

Why not?

It's rule number one.

I'd tell you rule number two,
but it's confusing.

Sheldon, go to sleep.

Amy. Amy. Amy.

You cut that out!

Good, you're up.

Sheldon...

I just really don't want to talk
to you about this right now.

That's fine.

I just need you to know

that I feel terrible
about what I did

and I wasn't being malicious.

No, you were being selfish.

You're being selfish right now

'cause it's really late
and I just want to sleep.

No, Professor Proton
came to me in my dream

and said we can't
go to sleep angry.

Are you sure
that's what he said?

Close your eyes, double-check.

Amy, this is important.

Okay, listen to me.

I love working with you,

but you have to understand
how scary this is for me.

Why?

Because I don't want to get lost
in this relationship.

And when you pulled me
off my project,

it seemed like my biggest
fear was coming true,

the-the things that are mine
are getting subsumed

into the things that are ours.

I wouldn't want that
to happen, either.

Thank you for explaining

and for using
the word "subsume,"

that's one you
don't hear enough.

You're welcome.

Good night. Good night.

What are you doing now?

Looking for shoes.

Why?

When your favorite ghost tells
you to do something, you do it.