The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 11, Episode 4 - The Explosion Implosion - full transcript

It feels like it
wasn't that long ago
we were here doing
this for Halley.
'Cause it wasn't.
Which reminds me,
before we leave,
let's get you a vasectomy.
Oh, that's sweet, but
today is all about you.
So, you two ready to find
out the sex of this baby?
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Is Halley hoping
for a little brother
or a little sister?
Well, she's nine months old,
so unless it jingles or is
in my bra, she doesn't care.
And how about you two?
You know, for the first one,
we really wanted a girl,
but this time around, we
don't have a preference.
Yeah. Boy, girl,
as long as it's healthy.
Well, it's a boy.
(heartbeat pulsing)
Oh.
Oh.
Come on, you can't
really be disappointed.
Hey, I barely know
how to be a man myself.
Now I have
to teach someone?
As the saying goes,
"Those who can't do, teach."
Don't you want a little
version of Howard?
I already have a little
version of Howard.
Now I'm having a son?
I'll have to teach him
how to play sports,
and-and watch sports
and-and-and-and-and-and...
He just ran out of man things.
He's in trouble.
It's okay. We're
all here to help.
Yes. And this baby will have
plenty of manly role models.
Now, I'm certain that whatever
Bernadette can't teach him,
Penny can.
Uh, she can pee into a bottle.
Mm-hmm.
Anything with a neck
wider than a nickel.
Howie, there's a lot of amazing
things you can teach a son.
Yeah. You do always know how
to pick just the right antacid.
I don't know if
I can teach that.
It's just something
I was born with.
Come on. You can build things.
You were an astronaut.
That's true.
You know, as a kid,
I used to make model rockets.
That'd be pretty cool
to do with a son.
Model rockets. Finally,
something interesting.
What is your preferred
mode of recovery?
Sheldon, we're helping
our friends.
And we got to model
rockets, yeah?
It was a tedious road,
but well worth the effort.
So, have you thought
of any names?
Amy.
We finally got
to model rockets.
Why are you
turning back?
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
Hey, where are you going?
Back to the dry cleaner.
Look at this.
They didn't get the stain
out of my Starfleet uniform.
Well, if you didn't make me wear
the green body paint in bed,
you wouldn't have to get it
dry-cleaned so much.
Nah, it's worth it.
(Skype ringtone playing)
Hey, wait, it's your mom.
Oh, too bad.
She just missed me!
Hey, Beverly.
Oh, hello, Penny.
Uh, Leonard just left.
He's gonna be so upset he missed your call.
Why?
Because he...
Yeah, I don't know.
How are you?
Did you mean personally
or professionally?
Um, personally?
Like, what'd you do last night?
I had Cuban food
at the home of a man
with whom I shared
unsatisfying intercourse.
Wow. Okay.
And to anticipate
your next questions,
roasted pork
and sideways missionary.
Sure. Sure.
'Cause you were full.
I haven't looked
at all this stuff in years.
Had it.
Had it.
Burnt down my garage with it.
I had three model rockets
as a kid,
and that was the largest
space program in India.
You have a replica Saturn V?
Yeah. My dad bought it
before he, you know,
abandoned our family.
Lucky duck.
Could never bring myself to
open it without him. (chuckles)
It's silly.
No, it's not silly.
I always wanted my dad
to build rockets with me,
but he wasn't interested.
Ah, yes, disappointing
fathers.
Tell me about it.
I remember for my 16th birthday,
my dad bought me a Mercedes.
Like, a little one,
like a starter Mercedes.
He had barely handed me the keys
before he had
to rush back to work.
I didn't see him again till,
like, pretty late that night.
Anyway...
...as angry as I was
with him leaving,
building this stuff
is probably what led me
to become an engineer.
I suppose, in his own way,
my dad also encouraged me
to pursue science.
I mean, he is the one
that taught me
that flatulence
is combustible.
And also, polyester
gym shorts don't burn.
They melt.
Yeah, I guess I'm an
astrophysicist because,
as a kid, I said I like
to look at the stars,
so my dad sent me to Hawaii
to visit the Keck telescope.
Screw you. My pain is real.
You know what?
Forget the past.
What do you say you and
me build this rocket?
That sounds like
it could be
a real bonding
experience for us.
Right?
Oh, I see.
Oh, you think
that's a positive.
So, you don't want to hang out
with Sheldon and Howard?
No, they were bonding
over their sad childhoods,
and my stupid parents
were always there for me.
What's all this?
I'm just boxing up all the clothes Halley's outgrown.
Guess we won't
need them anymore.
Oh, well, slow down.
I'm sure there's some
you could reuse for a boy.
"Daddy's little girl"?
Okay, well, what if we, uh,
change it to say,
"Daddy's little girl magnet"?
Boom! Boy shirt.
What about this?
Uh, okay.
Uh, pull off the skirt, slap a lightning bolt on the front,
and you got baby Flash.
Ooh.
Stick a long sleeve under it.
Boom! Baby Sheldon.
Wow, you're really good at this.
Oh, please.
This isn't my first time
turning girl clothes
into boy clothes.
Why? You got your sister's
hand-me-downs?
Yeah, that.
Oh. I should've
brought peanuts.
You can't eat peanuts.
You're allergic.
If you die, who's going
to drive me home?
I'm not gonna eat them.
It's a thing
they do at JPL.
When the Ranger mission finally
had a successful launch,
there were peanuts
in the room.
Ever since then,
they have them at every launch.
That sounds like
a silly superstition.
It's more of a tradition.
Oh! I do love a tradition.
Could you pull over
at the next peanut store?
I don't think
that's a real thing.
Oh, don't be pedantic.
Any nut store will do.
I-I don't think we can
get peanuts out here.
Ah, well, then
this whole day's ruined.
Now that I think about it, maybe
it is more of a superstition.
Whew! That was close.
(ringtone playing)
Oh, uh, hey, Beverly, you called
my phone, not Leonard's.
Actually, I was hoping
to speak with you.
Is this a good time?
Uh, that depends.
What time is it where you are?
Uh, just after 5:00.
(clears throat)
Yeah, that counts.
What's up?
Well, I enjoyed our conversation
the other day,
and I was hoping to continue it.
Really?
Uh, yes. You may
find this surprising,
but I don't have a lot of
what you would call girlfriends.
(exaggerated):
What?
Of course, there are
my female colleagues,
but, uh, they're all Freudians,
so the only boy that I can
dish about is my father.
(laughs)
Uh, well, you know,
I'm here for you.
What do you want to talk about?
Well, last time,
we focused on my life.
If we're going to be
real girlfriends,
we should talk about you
as well.
Well, you know,
if we're gonna be
real girlfriends,
we should get a third girl
we can trash behind her back.
Oh, so we'd be catty.
Oh, I like it.
What about Sheldon's fiancée?
She seems a bit dour.
Ooh, "dour."
Meow.
All right.
Here we go.
L-minus ten, nine...
Wait, what are you doing?
It's "T-minus."
I was an astronaut.
We used L-minus.
But this is a Saturn V,
and when they launched those,
they said "T-minus."
It's my rocket!
We're doing it my way.
Fine.
I'm not saying
I know why your dad left,
but I think I'm getting an idea.
L-minus
ten, nine, eight,
seven, six...
'Cause you're
kind of bossy.
...five, four, three, two,
one...
I remember them
going up higher.
Well, that's perfect.
I mean, the one thing
I thought I could
do with my son,
I can't even do that right.
Well, if you want to see it
again, I got it on video.
Looks pretty cool
in slow motion.
Thank you for
your support.
You're welcome.
I was being sarcastic.
How dare you!
Sheldon, what am I
gonna do?
I mean, what do I know
about raising a boy?
What do you know
about raising a girl?
Oh, my God, you're right.
Well, I don't know if
that was sarcasm or not.
So, either you're welcome,
or hey!
(phone chimes)
Leonard, did you really
just text me from the couch
to put extra mustard
on your sandwich?
I was worried you might not
check your e-mail.
(phone chimes)
I swear to God, I will throw this out.
That one was not me.
Oh, wait, it was just your mom.
My mother's texting you?
Yeah. We've been talking
a lot lately.
Why?
She sick of talking to
the magic mirror on the wall?
No, I think she's lonely.
She's been reaching out.
Okay, just be careful.
You think you're
getting close to her,
and the next thing you know,
you're featured in a book
called He's Doing It On Purpose:
Raising a Teenage Bed-Wetter.
No, it's not like that.
You know, she's been
opening up about her life,
and she's actually been
really supportive about mine.
Really?
Yeah.
I've been telling her
about my job,
and she said
she was proud of me.
Well, that's great.
Never told me
she was proud of me.
Even when I stayed dry
for a whole month.
Do you not want me
to be friends with your mom?
Well, let's be clear.
I-I married you to hurt her.
You're kind of ruining it.
Reason number 13
to feel good:
as a launch, it was bad,
but as an explosion,
it was glorious.
Reason 14:
you still have
all your fingers,
and boys prefer
a dad with fingers.
Thanks for trying,
but you're not gonna be able
to cheer me up.
Well, how about
this, then?
You quit your whining
before I give you
something to cry
about, young man.
What?
Those are comforting words
my father would often say.
Did it help?
I turned out great.
You tell me.
Let's get going.
Are you gonna be this
mopey all the way home?
I don't know, maybe.
There any chance
you'd be cheered up
by an amazing
trigonometry riddle?
Well, if you can't
answer that,
there's no way you're
gonna get this riddle.
Oh, hey, hey,
what do you think?
Just because it's a boy,
I don't think you need to
put a picture of
genitals on his shirt.
But that's a baseball bat
with two little baseballs.
Okay, and now I see it.
So, you know,
I understand why
Howard is nervous
about having a son,
but are you really
upset about it?
No, I'm fine.
It's just, I grew up
with a bunch of brothers,
so I thought it'd be nice
for Halley to have a sister.
Is that wrong?
Of course it's wrong.
You don't know what this
little boy's gonna be like.
Maybe he'll be rough and tumble,
or maybe he'll be sweet
and sensitive,
or maybe he'll be
all those things, like me.
You're rough
and tumble?
You bet I am, bitch.
But I'm also sensitive
and regret saying that.
(knock on door)
Hey.
Hello.
You got a sec?
Sure. What's up?
Penny's been talking to my mother
like they're best friends, and
it's kind of freaking me out.
Okay...
I'm pretty sure
they're not best friends.
'Cause you can only have
one best friend.
And Penny has that,
and (clicks tongue) it's me.
Oh, really? Is she FaceTiming
with you right now?
Because she's FaceTiming
with my mom, and believe me,
that is not a face
you want to spend time with.
Hmm. Well, I have been
pretty busy lately.
Maybe I've been
neglecting our friendship.
Penny knows I have
a complicated relationship
with my mother;
it's like she doesn't even care.
And with everything
going on at the lab
and planning the wedding,
I just, I have
so little free time.
Penny doesn't know how
manipulative my mother can be.
Did you know
there's such a thing as
reverse, reverse,
reverse psychology?
Because... there is.
I mean, she must feel
so abandoned.
She's used to me
being there all the time,
but now I have my own life,
and she's just gonna
have to accept it.
And why is my mom
proud of Penny and not me?
I mean, the real question is:
why is Penny so afraid of me
growing as a person?
I'm good at stuff, too!
I deserve my own life!
Okay, well, thanks.
Good talk.
You know,
studies have shown
that people distracted
by emotional issues
are poor drivers.
What about people distracted
by irritating passengers?
That would be hard to test,
because irritating is
a subjective quality.
Strongly disagree.
Can I drive?
No. (chuckles)
You can't drive.
You don't even have a license.
Actually, I do.
Really? Since when?
Three years ago.
I went on a bit
of a license kick.
I'm also
a commercial fisherman.
Then why don't you ever
drive yourself?
Honestly, I barely
passed my test.
And the one time
I drove on my own,
I made a U-turn, got dizzy,
threw up and walked home.
You really want to drive?
It seems like
the perfect time.
The roads are straight,
there's no one around,
and you don't seem to care
if you live or die.
Live, Sheldon.
I want to live.
That makes things
a little trickier,
but I'll do my best.
(line ringing)
BEVERLY:
Hi, Pen...
Oh, hello, Leonard.
Hello, Mother. How are you?
Fine. And you?
I'm great.
Well, it's been lovely
catching up.
Wait. Hang on.
We need to talk.
Oh, brother.
I want to know,
why aren't you proud of me?
Well, isn't the real question,
"Why aren't you proud
of yourself?"
No, that is a question--
and I ask it a lot--
but let's stick
with the one I asked you.
But why do you think
I'm not proud of you?
Because you never say it.
But two days into
chatting with Penny,
and you can't stop
telling her how great she is.
She is great.
Honestly, of all
of my children's spouses,
she's the one
that I'm most impressed by.
Seriously?
Yes.
She's confident,
she's thoughtful,
and she never complained
about you once.
I know what kind of strength
that takes.
So, Penny's your favorite?
I suppose she is.
You married well, Leonard,
and for that I am proud of you.
I don't... I don't...
I don't know what to say.
I'm also proud of how hard
you're trying not to cry.
(choked up):
Thank you.
Would you like to hang up now?
Yeah, here it comes.
Your hands are at
10:00 and 2:00.
Good.
Steady on the gas.
Okay.
Now you're gonna want
to slowly switch lanes.
Why?
Because there are only two,
and you're not
in either of them.
Attaboy. Well done!
Thank you.
The last time I drove,
I was terrified,
but this is fun.
You're doing great.
You're a good teacher.
Your son is going to be lucky
to have you as a father.
Thanks.
Do you think I could try
going a little faster?
Go for it, champ.
Ow.
Sorry.
Just ease on the gas, and...
(engine revving)
Oh, too much! Too much!
Why was I scared of this?
This is exhilarating!
No, it's not! Slow down!
Don't tell me what to do!
You're not my father!
Do you know how fast
you were going?
112.
Let me see your license.
Okay, here's the plan.
No.
Fine.
There you go.
You know what,
you can just keep it.