The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 11, Episode 3 - The Relaxation Integration - full transcript

Hmm. Some news
of our wedding.

I have sent you all

a "save the date" e-mail.

Oh, exciting.
You guys picked a date?

Better.
I picked 80 dates.

And I need you

to save them all until
we narrow it down.

I thought we agreed
on June 15.

That's the day after Flag Day.

Everyone'll be partied out.

It's a date... just pick one.



It's not just a date... it's a
textbook optimization problem.

There is a perfect date--
just like there's

a perfect room temperature
and a perfect dessert.

Mm. There's no perfect dessert.

Yellow cake
in the shape of a dinosaur

with chocolate frosting,
a scoop of vanilla ice cream

on the side, not touching.

You'll see.

You'll have it at our wedding.

You wanna bet?

You give me

enough time,
I can do the same thing

with a wedding date--
it needs to be on the weekend,

uh, not near
any of your birthdays,



or the weekend of Comic Con.

Ooh, you could get
married at Comic Con.

No!

We just need
a weekend date

that's completely
boring and uneventful.

Too bad you didn't get
your ducks in a row,

'cause tonight
would have been perfect.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 11x03 ♪
The Relaxation Integration
Original Air D

Good morning.

Good morning.

I know today is Apple Jacks day,
but... we're all out.

That's fine.
I'll have anything.

Really?

Yeah. You know...

whatev.

"Whatev"?

I like this side of you.

You know what I like?

Smooth jazz.

♪ Da, da, da-da... ♪

♪ Da, da-da-da ♪

♪ Da, da, da... ♪

Hey, just a reminder--

I'm going out for
drinks after work.

Oh. Great.

Just a reminder--
you're pregnant.

I'm not drinking,
just taking a new coworker out.

Oh. Just a reminder--
you're married.

Female coworker.

She's new in town, and I want
to make her feel welcome.

And let her know
the office is full of liars

before everyone
tells her I'm mean.

Is she single?

I'm not setting her up with Raj.

What about Stuart?
Are you listening?

I want her to think
I'm not mean.

Okay. Well,
it's just...

we have two single friends.

Howie, I just met this woman.

Why don't I wait a little
and get to know her?

Maybe I won't like her,
and then I'd be happy

to ruin her life
with Stuart or Raj.

That's all I ask.

So, you guys lived
with Sheldon for a long time...

Long time.
So very long.

By the way, congratulations
again on your engagement.

Yeah. You got a good one.

Thanks. So, it's strange,

Sheldon was talking
in his sleep last night,

and he seemed like
a totally different person.

He was relaxed and...

loose and calm.

Well, Sheldon's
a complicated man.

He said "whatev."

Give him a brain scan--
that might be a tumor.

Well, I think
the wedding planning

is really stressful for him, and
that can trigger sleep talking.

Well, maybe this is a part
of Sheldon's personality

he's been repressing.

I mean, I think we
dream about things

we wish we could
be in real life.

Really? What do you dream about?

Oh. Uh... being the
wife of Leonard.

Mostly that.

I choose to believe you.

Well, as much as we've studied
the brain, there's still a lot

we don't know about dreams
and their function.

You know, even psychologists
are divided on it.

Mm, it's true... Freud
thought dreams were about sex,

Adler thought they
were about dominance...

Then again,

mine are just about being
married to this little guy.

Well, now it's
just edging into mockery.

Well, moving to a new city
was a little scary,

but the job seems great.

Everyone's really nice.

Oh, they are.
Super nice.

I mean, only one them
took you out tonight--

but it's not a competition.

Thanks again.

You know,
we could have gone somewhere

more pregnancy-friendly.

Oh, it's okay.
One of the great things

about being pregnant
is drinking cranberry juice

out of a wineglass
and watching people freak out.

Bernie!

Oh, damn.

Hey! What are the odds?

Yeah, seren-frickin'-dipity.

Hello.

- Rajesh.
- Stuart.

Hi. Ruchi.

Ruchi is
my coworker.

But that was probably
in your briefing packet.

Hi.

Hello.

What's wrong?

Well, I found the
perfect wedding date.

- That's terrific!
- No, it's not.

It was May 19, 1996.

We would have had
a lovely wedding.

And our honeymoon
would have coincided

with the first appearance
of the Hale-Bopp comet.

Sheldon, you were 16.

And in Texas... no one
would have batted an eye.

Oh, wait, it's no good.

That's the day that Jon Pertwee,
the third Doctor Who, died.

And it's in the past.

Hey-hey, I said it's no
good... just let it go.

Sheldon...

I appreciate you trying
to make this wedding perfect,

but it's making
you miserable.

No, the wedding isn't
making me miserable,

the calendar is.

Why can't there just be
one week each month

for famous people to die?

Well, they've already
arranged to die in threes--

what more do you
want from them?

This is so frustrating.
Why can't I find a perfect date?

I found the perfect way to say
hi to cowboys.

I'm just saying maybe there's
a part of you deep down that...

just wants to relax
a little, you know?

Kick back.

Say, "Whatev."

Whatev?

I'm sorry, you're really not
gonna finish that word?

I-I'm just trying
to make a point...

Finish the word, Amy.

Fine. Er.

Er, er, er.

Thank you.

Only now you owe me
three more whatevs.

Oh, you were born
in Trivandrum.

Have you ever been
to the Kuthira Malika Palace?

No, I haven't.

Me, either.
What a small world.

I've also never
been there.

I've never been
lots of places.

Go on, quiz me.

I'm sorry, we're being rude
talking about India.

Oh, yeah, you know,
if you and Bernadette

want to talk about America,
that's cool with us.

Here, let me get you started.

Hamburgers. Am I right?

So, what do you guys do?

Well, I am an astrophysicist,

so if you ever go out at night
and look up at the stars,

that's kind of my office.

He sells comic books
to children.

Actually,

I own my own store.
Uh, i-if you'd like

to check it out sometime,
I'm running a new promotion--

buy anything, get taken out
for a reasonably priced dinner.

Yeah, yeah, Stuart's
struggling financially.

But he doesn't let that
get him down.

He believes in himself.

Even though the whole world
has made it clear

he should not.

Thank you.

A-And, you know, Raj,
I think it's great

that you no longer live off your
parents like a spoiled child.

You live over someone's
garage like a...

failed adult.

Yeah, well,
you live with her.

Oh, it's not like that.

He rents a room
from me and my husband.

Who, by the way,
is no prize, either.

Oh, I don't care.

You know me--
I just go with the flow.

Beach, public pool...

They both sound awesome.

On second thought, beach.

I'd like to befriend a seagull.

That is crazy.

Yeah. Will you
e-mail that to me?

Have you played
this for him?

No. I'm worried he'll say
I violated his privacy.

Listen how happy he sounds.

I'm up for anything,

as long as I'm with you.

- What are you listening to?
- Nothing.

Oh, come on,
I want to hear.

We don't need GPS.

Let's just see
where the road takes us.

I see why you turned it off.

That guy sounds like an idiot.

Honey, that's you.

Don't be silly.
My voice is deep and sonorous.

Like a Caucasian
James Earl Jones.

"Luke, I am your father." See?

It is you.

I recorded you
in your sleep.

Oh, look... a hitchhiker.

I bet he has
some interesting stories.

That's me?

It's you.

So you spied on me in my sleep?

Sheldon, I'm sorry.

You've been doing
this every night.

I couldn't help but wonder
if it meant something.

Well, it doesn't.

Are you sure?

I mean, the prefrontal cortex
regulates impulse control.

So it's plausible

that when we're asleep,
aspects of our personality

that we repress might come out.

Don't try to put science
lipstick on your New Age pig!

And for the record,

you make noises when you sleep,
and I've never accused you

of repressing
your inner chainsaw.

If you want me to object
at your wedding,

just give me one of these.

This picture of Galactus
eating a planet looks like

my preggo wife
destroying a coffee cake.

Oh, yeah, I see it.

I'm just saying,
you should bow out.

Why should bow out?

Uh, because we all know
how this is gonna end.

That's what my doctor said,
too, but I'm still here.

Okay, look, I think that
she and I have more in common.

Because you're Indian?

So just 'cause she's brown,
you get to date her?

Yes!

And the next time
we meet a woman

who's pale and cadaver-like,
she's all yours.

Howard,
Bernadette was there last night.

Did she say anything
when she got home?

Yeah, she said, "Why'd you tell
those idiots where I was?

Thanks a lot."

Okay, how about
we flip a coin?

Look, hang on.

Doesn't this girl get
a word in all of this?

And isn't that word "no"?

Ruchi said she wanted to
hang out with both of us.

Why don't we
just do that?

Oh, fine. Let's hang out
as friends and see what happens.

Yeah, and if something grows out
of it, just worry about it then.

Also what my doctor said.

Hey, this isn't
your laundry night.

I know. Laundry
on a Wednesday.

It's the madness
my life has become.

Why is this sleep-talking thing
bothering you anyway?

It's simple.

I don't like the idea

that my mind might be keeping
an entire personality from me.

Dr. Jekyll's other
personality was Mr. Hyde.

Mr. Hyde.

Didn't have
a postgraduate degree.

Is it possible
that you're stressed

because you're scared
about getting married?

I mean, it is
a big change,

and you're not good
with little changes.

Well, that's nonsense.

You name one little
change I was upset with.

Uh, when they changed the green
Skittle from lime to apple.

That is not the rainbow
I grew up tasting.

All right, fine.
Let's start over.

Is it possible

that the sleep-talking
is a part of your brain

that's telling you
everything's gonna be okay

and you just need
to relax a little?

So you're proposing that
the self is an illusion,

and that we actually
have multiple centers

of consciousness that are
communicating with one another?

In laymen's terms, yeah.

Huh. Interesting.

So you don't believe
there's a Cartesian self

that underlies the
flux of experience?

Maybe in my twenties,
not anymore.

Okay. Well, assuming
you're right,

what would you suggest I do?

Well, I would start
with something small,

see if it makes
your life any better.

Um, you can learn to meditate,
take a yoga class.

Oh. You know, I have always
been intrigued by flip-flops.

The official footwear of
the laid-back fellow.

- Okay, sure.
- Of course if my feet

are gonna be exposed, I'll need
to update my tetanus booster.

Oh, yeah. Makes sense.
Yeah. And while I'm there,

I may as well get a flu
shot and a mole check.

Sure.

You know, I've never
had a mole check.

Ooh!

Well, it's been
nice knowing you.

Here you go.

Thanks.

It's too bad Stuart couldn't
make it. He seemed fun.

Oh, yeah, he is.
I love him dearly, yeah.

Not to say
that I don't worry about him.

What's to worry about?

You know what?

I'm talking out of school.

Speaking of which, he's allowed
to live near them now.

Hey, guys.

- Oh, great, Stuart. You're here.
- Yeah, Stuart.

Yeah, I did... I didn't think
you were gonna make it.

Mm. I believe that.

Sorry, guys. It's work.
I've got to take it.

Oh.

I'm so glad you
made it, Stuart.

Oh, yeah, so glad.

I can't believe you
went behind my back!

Which clearly means
I want this more!

You want to play a game of
"who's more desperate" with me?

'Cause you're in the
big leagues now, Bucko.

L-Look, Ruchi and I
are really hitting it off.

Please let me just
have this one!

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm like a fungus
you can't get rid of.

Sorry.

So what's
going on?

Oh, you just missed
Stuart's funny story

about the fungus
he can't get rid of.

Raj didn't tell me
about tonight

so he could be
alone with you.

Really?

That's a little weird.

Just a little?
Because I can work with that.

Look, guys, I'm not interested
in dating anyone right now.

I'm just looking
to make some friends.

Yeah, I totally understand.

But if you were
gonna date someone,

would it be me or Stuart?

I think I'm gonna go.

Uh, uh, uh,
uh, Ruchi, I'm sorry.

If you still want to hang out
as friends, I'd like that.

Thanks, Stuart.
I'd like that, too.

And the fungus is
under the toenail.

Hello.

Hey.

So, um, I, uh...

I got flip-flops.

Good for you.

Oh, my God, what happened?

After I got
the flip-flops,

I realized that the tops of
my feet were exposed, so, um,

I-I put on some sunscreen,

which caused my feet
to become slippery.

And predictably,
one of them fell off

and went down a sewer grate.

Now, normally, I would
have walked away,

but this is a new,
laid-back me, so,

instead of getting upset, I
just reached down to grab it.

That's when I touched
something furry...

which I'm telling myself
was a damp toupee.

When the toupee
licked my hand...

I screamed and
hopped down the street

on my remaining flip-flop.

Can I just ask...?

No, this is
a long story.

Why don't we please save
your questions till the end?

So, I-I finally
came upon a bus bench

where I sat and removed
one of my shirts

and, uh, fashioned it
into a makeshift shoe.

Not a waterproof shoe.

That is relevant to the
next part of my story.

The ankle-deep puddle
of warm apple juice.

Apple juice?

Maybe, maybe not.

I'm telling myself
a lot of things, Amy.

What happened
to your other flip-flop?

Oh, well, that involves

what I am telling myself
was a... melted candy bar.

Okay. I-I'm sorry.

Is there anything
I can do to help?

Yes. I want you to be
in charge of our wedding.

Just you tell me
where and when,

and I will show up
with a boutonniere

and close-toed shoes and a...

a Star Trek uniform
underneath my tuxedo.

That last part is
non-negotiable.

Are you sure
that's what you want?

As sure as I'm about
to go bathe in Purell.

I love you.
I love you, too.

You know, ever since
I was a young girl,

I-I've dreamed
of a June wedding,

maybe on a cliff overlooking
the ocean at sunset.

Sure.

Sounds wonderful.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to go clean up.

Outdoor wedding.

I know what
I'll be using that cliff for.

I call this meeting of the
Council of Sheldons to order.

Let's take roll.

Science Sheldon?

Present.

Texas Sheldon?

Howdy.

Fanboy Sheldon?

Greetings.

Germaphobe
Sheldon?

Say it, don't spray it.

Where's Jock Sheldon?

Not the time, Humorous Sheldon!

Okay, new business.

Do we grant Laid-Back Sheldon
a seat on the council?

Hey, whatever
you guys want.

I'm just chillin'
like Bob Dylan.

- Negative.
- Heck, no!

I don't feel well.

Can we kick him out, too?