The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 11, Episode 5 - The Collaboration Contamination - full transcript

Thanks for letting me
put Halley in your room.

Yeah, no problem.

Oh, and, Penny, she kinda
threw up on your stuffed bear.

Oh, that's okay.

Hey. Tha-That's an
Ewok and it's mine.

Yeah, which is why
it's okay.

See, he gets Ewoks
in his bed.

You've got Chewbacca;
that's enough.

KOOTHRAPPALI:
I used to have

the stuffed raccoon
from Guardians of the Galaxy,

but Cinnamon licked it raw.



There's a time and place
for your randy dog stories,

and... it's never and nowhere.

Yeah, no more stories about sex,

so, Amy, that brings us to you.

Well, at work
we've been doing

some interesting research
with neuroprosthetics.

PENNY:
Neat.

I've been rewatching The O.C.,

so we're all leading
productive lives.

We've been working
on a computer interface

that can use brain wave patterns
to control robotic limbs,

but we're having a little
trouble localizing

the signal from the EEG cap.

Oh, well, have you thought about
adding a phased array of sensors



for better localization?

Actually, that never
occurred to me.

It never occurred to me

I would miss
the Ewok conversation.

Good, 'cause I just bought
another one on Amazon.

You know, I could use
an engineer on this project.

Well, now, this
works out great.

Howard's an engineer.

I'm sure he knows
someone qualified.

She was talking about me,
Sheldon.

I'm perfectly qualified.

Yeah, Howie's the world's
best engineer.

It says so right
on his coffee mug.

Aw, you got him a mug?

I did.

But it's not a competition.

Yeah, I lost that
battle years ago.

So, Howard, are you interested?

Are you kidding?

If I could control robot arms
with my brain,

I'd be able to do
so many things.

Really? Because you've been
controlling human arms

with your brain for years
and not much has come of it.

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 11x05 ♪
The Collaboration Contamination
Original

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Hey, what you reading?

A parenting book.

Oh, my God.
Are-are we...?

Wha... No!

You think this is how
I would tell you?

Well... (stammers)

You're sitting there
with a book.

It felt like
anything was possible.

Bernadette left it here.

Yeah?

Anything interesting?

Well, I just saw a picture
of a baby's head crowning,

so I hope you enjoyed sex,
because we're done with that.

Hello.

- Hi.
- Hey, Sheldon, what's up?

Well, remember
how disappointed you were

when Amy started
driving me to work?

Sure, uh...

Sometimes people smile
a big smile of disappointment.

Yeah, well, good news,

Amy had to go in early
to show Howard around her lab,

so you get to drive me.

Aw, his smile of disappointment

has turned into a frown of joy.

It's fine,
I've been driving him for years.

What's one more day?

Oh, and I've got a new car game
we can play.

It's called “what siren am I?”

Kill me.

Amy, your lab is amazing.

A C-arm fluoroscope,

a cranial ultrasound...

(gasps)

And look at that
coffee maker.

I know.

On our expense report,

I listed it as “Eduardo,”
my Colombian lab assistant.

So this is it?
Yes.

We are using it to map
brain wave patterns

and then converting them
into electrical impulses

that can be used
to control anything

from wheelchairs to robots.

Based on that ring
on your finger,

I'd say you're pretty
good at controlling robots.

Careful, that's my fiancé
you're talking about,

and I can program
him to hurt you.

(imitates melodic siren wailing)

I don't know.
Uh... French police?

Oh. So close.

Belgian ambulance.

All right,
you ready for your next one?

Just a warning,
this one's a little annoying.

(imitates high-pitched siren)

Let's take a little...
little break,

I'm getting a headache.

Aw, right in the middle
of our fun game.

Yeah, weird.

So...

Howard and Amy
working together--

that's interesting, huh?

Eh. It's all right,
I suppose.

Uh, when-- usually when Amy
complains about her coworkers,

I just tune her out,

but now I'll be able
to join in and pound away.

You're not jealous
of Howard, are you?

Of course not.

The only engineer
I'm jealous of

is the one who blows
the train whistle.

Ooh, that just gave me
an idea for a new game,

“what whistle am I?”
Train.

For your information,
it was going to be tea kettle,

but the tea kettle
was on a train,

so I'll give it to you.

If we add phase detection
to your EEG sensors,

I'll have to rewrite
most of the code.

Can you do that?
Well, these hands

were made to do three things:

close-up magic, writing code,

and the dirty shadow puppet show

that got me kicked
out of Hebrew school.

Hello.

Hi. What a nice surprise.

Well, I just came by to see how
you two were getting along.

(laughs) Well, everything's
going really great.

Oh, that's nice to hear.

I was hoping you two
would enjoy working together.

What's with the blinking?

(quietly):
It's Morse code.

So we can talk about...

...without hurting...
's feelings.

Sheldon, I don't know
Morse code.

I do. And if you have
something to say,

you can say it to my face.

Oh. All right.

I'm a little rusty.
Could you say that again?

She's going to be home at
“eight-ish.” Like, when is that?

8:01? 8:02?

And what kind of scientist
uses “-ish”?

I'll give it a go.

My ride home with you
was hellish.

Sheldon, honey, if you want
to join us for dinner,

you're more than welcome.

No, thank you.
I don't think

I'd be very good company
tonight.

Well, then out you go.

Okay, what is going on?

Well, ever since Amy started
working with Howard,

she hasn't been home.

Didn't that
just start this morning?

And has she been home?

You know,
that would frustrate me.

Does it frustrate you?

I-It does.

I get that.

You know, it's okay
to feel frustrated

when things aren't
going your way.

I suppose.

Ah, maybe it's not
that big a deal.

PENNY: No, no, no,
your feelings

are valid.

Now, why don't
you go wash up,

and we'll call you
when dinner's ready.

Okay.

(door closes)

What did you do--
Are you a witch?

No, I've been reading
Bernadette's parenting book.

It's like the answer key
to the Sheldon test.

That's amazing.
I know.

But, you know,
it's only birth to five.

What do we do when he turns six?

Take him to the zoo
and leave him there.

Hey, Bernadette.

Oh, hey, Raj.

Howard's not here.
Oh, I know,

he's been in the lab every night
this week with his work wife.

That's weird,

I thought his work wife
was standing in my kitchen.

Don't be snippy.

I came to see
how you were doing.

Like, uh, do you need help
with anything?

Oh, thank you.

There are a few things
around the house

that I've been waiting
for Howard to get to.

The smoke alarms...

No, I meant emotionally.

How are you feeling?

Like you're not really here
to help me.

Well, still snippy.

Everything's fine.

Howard's really excited
about his work,

he's been in a great mood...
I'm really proud of him.

And I can fit into the pants
I wore in high school.

Come on, we don't need
to lie to each other.

You're right.

I have a teething baby,
I'm pregnant,

I have a proposal due tomorrow.

I don't have time to hear about

how much you're missing
my husband.

Well, I think I know why
he's been working so late.

Hi.

Welcome home.

How was work?

Great.
Howard had an idea for...

That's enough about work.

Aw, you just got here.

You need to sit down
and let me pamper you.

(laughs): Oh.
Well, that sounds nice.

I got you a little something
to help you relax.

Sheldon, that is the sweetest,
most...

What... what is this?

The notes from our
quantum cognition project.

I thought we could

spend the evening
grinding away on it.

(sighs) I just got
home, I'm tired.

Of Howard, I know.

So how about you and me

make some beautiful
science together?

Sheldon, I want to work on this
with you, just not tonight.

What if we get up early and do
it in the morning? I promise,

I'll be way more into it.

You know what?

There was a time that
you would've been happy

to stay up and collaborate
all night with me.

And then wake up in the morning
and do it some more.

(sighs) Fine, but can
we make it quick?

No.

If you're just gonna make me
do all the work, then go to bed.

But don't be surprised
if you walk out here

and catch me doing it myself.

Ahh, Sheldon's texting me
to drive him to Bernadette's.

Well, what are you gonna say?

Well, they did just introduce
the middle finger emoji.

If it's not for this,
I don't know what it's for.

No, no, no.
He'll just think that means

“Be there in a minute.”

Uh...

Maybe there's something
in the book that will help.

Worth a shot.

Okay. Let's see, let's see.

“Biting other children”?

Well, sometimes, but...
problem for another day.

Okay, wait, wait.
Here we go.

“Let him have ownership
of his choices.

Allow him to choose from options
that are acceptable to you.”

All right, I'll give it a try.

“I can drive you in two hours
or you can take an Uber”"

Good. See, now he feels
like he has a choice.

Huh.
(phone chimes)

He's gonna take an Uber.

Wow, it worked.

Unless he bites
the driver, yeah.

And now they're working
on a Saturday?

Can you believe them?

Like, is this how you
envisioned your weekend?

No, it is not.

This whole thing is maddening.

I'm really busy.

I don't have time to
listen to you complain.

Hey. You're complaining, too.

“Sheldon, why are you here?”

“Sheldon, the applesauce
is for the baby.”

What do you want?

I just wish I could make Howard
feel as angry as I'm feeling.

Well, maybe you could do
something he likes

and make him jealous.

Like what?

Have you ever read Tom Sawyer?

No.

Chores. He likes chores.

Ooh. What kind of chores?

Well,

you could change the batteries
in the smoke detectors.

That would drive him crazy.

That's great.

Oh, he'll be so mad smoke
will be coming out of his ears.

And then the smoke detectors
will detect it.

Wait, wait, now, hold on.

Why'd you ask me
about Tom Sawyer?

I'm just interested in you.

Well, you are sweeter
than your applesauce.

Okay, I'm gonna extend
the wait time and have it poll

the A-to-D converter
at the top of the loop

instead of the bottom.

Oh. That's impressive.

You think that's impressive,
take apart that brain model.

(gasps)

Oh my God-- three of clubs.

That was my card!

How did you...?

I used to make it
appear in my pants,

but HR said I had
to stop doing that.

So, how much longer
till we can test it?

Well, it needs to compile,
so it's gonna be a few minutes.

Sounds like we've earned
ourselves a break.

You want to hear
some Neil Sedaka?

You know, that's your
greatest magic trick,

'cause you just read my mind.

♪ I love, I love,
I love my calendar girl ♪

♪ Yeah, sweet calendar girl ♪

♪ I love, I love,
I love my calendar girl ♪

♪ Each and every day
of the year ♪

♪ January ♪

♪ You start the year all fine... ♪
Well, well, well.

- Hi.
- Hey.

You say you're busy as bees,
yet here you are, dancing.

Although I suppose
bees do dance,

but their dance lets other bees
know where the pollen is,

and yours does not.

So my logic, despite
that slight detour, does track.

We're just waiting
for my code to compile.

What are you doing here?
I stopped by

to see if you wanted
to go to the movies with me.

Well, I-I'd love to,

but we're just about
to test the interface.

It could take a while.

Okay, buddy, it--
it's not my place,

but Bernadette's been
feeling a little abandoned

with all the hours that
you've been putting in.

You just asked him
to go to the movies.

Yeah, but our weird
relationship was grandfathered

into their marriage,
and yours was not.

Okay, I put new batteries
in the smoke detectors.

Did you do the laundry?

I sure did. Ooh.

He's gonna be steamed.

Just like his dress shirts.

At least he can still
clean the oven,

so that's something.

Oh, that's what he thinks.
Where's your steel wool?

Right here.

We make quite the team.

Sure do.

Guys, you won't believe this.

I stopped by the university
to check in on Howard and Amy,

and they were having fun.

Well, don't worry.
He won't be having any fun

when he gets home.

I did all his favorite chores.

What are you talking about?

Howard hates doing chores.

Wait, then why would Bernadette
tell me that... (gasps)

Bernadette.

Did you play on my well
established gullibility

to clean your house?

Sure did.

Well, I would storm out of here,

but I already have
the gloves and the steel wool,

and I really do love
cleaning an oven. Move.

She made me do all her chores,

and it wasn't even her
idea-- she stole it

from Tom Sawyer.

You know what? This is crazy.

Howard and Amy are working
together-- get over it.

Leonard, what are you doing?

“Knowing when to say when.”

This is not a big deal.

It is a big deal.

Howard's getting Amy used to
laughing and listening to music.

What if she expects
that madness at home?

Yeah, that is a good point.
I'm really proud of the way

you're able to express
your feelings.

SHELDON:
Thank you.

I'm just so angry.

You know,

everyone gets angry.

Even mommies and daddies.

You can't think
this is the right time

to “validate his behavior.”

Okay, what about
“presenting a united front”?

What about you coddling him
and he's never gonna learn?

Look.

You sound frustrated,
and I'm really proud of the way

you're able to state
your opinion.

Thank you.

Wait, no, no.

Don't use that book on me.

SHELDON:
W-Wait,

what book?

(groans) Penny's been using

one of Bernadette's
parenting books on you.

What? So has he.

Wh-What makes you think
you can treat me like a child?

Your shampoo comes
in a Big Bird bottle.

That's because the adult shampoo
burns my man eyes.

Hey, what are you working on?

Oh, my God, you're still here?

Well, of course I'm here.

I know what
you're going through.

Really? You have a needy
Indian man in your house?

I did,
but then he came over here.

So is this how it's gonna be
if we have kids?

You're just gonna
throw me under the bus?

If you spoil them the way you do
Sheldon, then, yeah.

Uh, my way was working.

Okay? I think you're just upset

because there are some things
I am better than you at.

Well, you can't end a sentence
with a preposition,

so clearly, not grammar.

If you're so smart,
was that a smart thing to say?

That depends. Before I said it,

was sex tonight
still on the table?

No.
Then it's fine.

You know, once we get this
operational,

we could probably figure out
how to make it wireless.

That'd be amazing.

(phone chimes)

Oh, that's Sheldon.

Oh, he's upset with
Leonard and Penny.

(phone whooshes)

And Bernadette.

(phone whooshes)

And Mark Twain.

Yeah, Bernadette
texted earlier.

Raj is really getting
on her nerves.

Well, I guess we have
been working late a lot.

(sighs)

Should we call it a
night and go home?

Or we could brew a pot
of coffee and power through.

I don't know,
it's getting kind of late.

Hey, where's my watch?

Why don't you ask

your skeleton?

(Amy gasps)

Oh, my God.

How is that even possible?!

This is great,
the two of us hanging out.

Why didn't we think
of this earlier?

Agreed.

I don't need Amy
to watch a movie.

I can not hold your
hand just as easily.

(music begins playing over TV)

In the book this is based
on, that man's the killer.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man