The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 10, Episode 12 - The Holiday Summation - full transcript

Hey, can you help me
put some of the food out?

Yeah. Let me finish
packing this stuff up.

You know how Sheldon is
if he sees Christmas stuff

lying around after New Year's.

Yeah, but he doesn't
live here anymore.

Well, he doesn't live at
Walmart, but he still threw

a tantrum when he saw
Marshmallow Peeps after Easter.

And that's the same man
who complains

you can't find Marshmallow Peeps
after Easter.

(phone chimes)

Oh. It's Bernadette.
She says they're running late.



"The baby threw up on Howard,

and then Howard threw up
on Howard."

Well, he didn't throw up
on the baby. That's a win.

(door opens)

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hi! Welcome back. How was Texas?

Oh, you know. The
Lone Star state. Hmm.

That should be its Yelp rating.

It was not a great trip.

Well, you're home now.

Yeah. It is good to be home.

I... Oh, good Lord!
Is that mistletoe?

Don't you maniacs
own a calendar?

I told him to take it down.
He would not listen to me.



♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 10x12 ♪
The Holiday Summation
Original Air Date o

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Did you at least have
a good flight down there?

It was fine.

Other than the weird-tasting
juice Amy gave me.

I slept the whole way.

So, what happened in Texas
that was so bad?

And before our next
drive to Comic-Con,

I need the name of that juice.

Well, we were on our way
to my mother's house...

(gasps)
How did we get in the car?

LEONARD:
Hold on.

How did you get him
in the car?

I rented one of those carts,

pushed him toward the open
door and just let inertia

take care of the rest.

So, while we're at
your mother's house,

it might be a good time to tell
her that we're living together.

Do we have to?

I really don't want
to hear the religious lecture.

Maybe there won't be one.

(scoffs)
There's always one.

She gave it to my sister
about her boyfriend,

my brother about his girlfriend,

my father about his girlfriend.

That one had some
un-Christian words in it.

Well, she likes me.

You know, there's a chance
she might be okay with it.

Eh, I don't know.

I am her precious little boy.

And you did take my flower.

Do boys have flowers?

Who knows what he has
down there.

Mm.

Anyway...

Thank you, God, for the food
we are about to receive

and for the nourishment
of our bodies

and bless the hands
that prepared it.

Amen.

Given that your
hands prepared it,

isn't that a little
self-serving?

You start changing
the words to the prayers,

next thing you know, you're
in a church with a guitar.

Thank you for cooking,
it looks delicious.

Oh, it's my pleasure. Mm.

I'm so glad y'all could make it.

So, tell me,
what's going on back home?

Well, uh, Howard and Bernadette
had their baby.

(gasps)
Oh, that's wonderful!

Now, have they decided
to raise it Jewish or regular?

Welcome to Texas.

They haven't said.

Anyway, we, uh, we also have

some exciting news to share.

(gasps) Oh, wait, wait...
I... Shouldn't we just eat?

You know, I mean, God did take
time out of his busy schedule

to bless these Sloppy Joes.

Come on, Shelly,
tell me your news.

All right. This is on you.
(clears throat)

Amy and I are living together
in sin,

like a couple of New Yorkers.

Now, while you scold us, I'm
going to get a knife and a fork.

Joe may be sloppy,
but Sheldon's not.

Well, thank you
for letting me know,

and I, for one, am thrilled.

What?

What... Where's the judgment?

W-Where's the fire
and brimstone?

Where's the part where you tell
us we're going to Hell

and I say have you seen
the size of the bugs outside?

We're already there!

Obviously, I would prefer if you
weren't living out of wedlock,

but given
your special circumstances,

I'm very happy for you.

And what "special circumstances"
are those?

Oh, boy, I think it's
about to get bad.

Shelly, how do I put this?

By your third birthday,
you had memorized

over a thousand different kinds
of trains,

and I never imagined

a woman getting aboard
any of them.

What, so... You thought
I was going to be alone

for the rest of my life?

No! Just for the middle part.

'Cause at the end
I assumed there'd be nurses.

Well, this is highly insulting.

Sheldon, don't overreact.

I'm the child
she was worried about?

I have a brother and sister

whose combined
intellectual wattage

couldn't power a potato clock,

if I spotted them the potato.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.

What?

Well, I was in my room,

I couldn't hear
what they were saying.

I'll take over from here.

AMY:
He's been in there a long time.

Should I go talk to him?

He's upset with me. I should be
the one who talks to him.

Are you going to?

Oh, heck no.

Sheldon, what...
what are you doing?

Just being
the un-socialized eccentric

my mother
always thought I was.

You startin' to see
why I didn't go in there?

Sheldon, if you're trying
to prove me wrong,

the tighty-whities on your head
ain't changing my mind.

We're ignoring
the fins... Okay.

Yeah. And I don't understand
why you're taking her side.

By being my girlfriend, she's
saying you're a weirdo, too.

I don't think that's
what she's saying.

And...?

That's exactly
what she was saying.

Can you believe my mother
thinks we're both strange?

Absolutely not!

(quietly):
That's... too loud.

Absolutely not.

Well, after that,
Sheldon and I

got out of the
house for a while.

Well, first we buttered my feet
to get the swim fins off,

and then we went out.

You know, I'm sorry your
mother made you feel bad.

But, you know, at the end
of the day, she was wrong,

because you're not alone.

You're right.

I have Leonard
and Howard and Raj,

Stuart, Penny,

Leonard's mom, Bernadette,
Wil Wheaton...

What about the woman who just
buttered your big flat feet?

I was going chronologically.

You're right between
Koothrappali's father

and Omar, the one-eyed
Sparkletts guy.

Well, let's try to not let it
ruin the rest of our trip.

I knew we should've
never mentioned

us living together
in the first place.

She was gonna find out
eventually.

Disagree.

We've known about evolution
since 1859.

She still believes in Noah
and his amazing zoo boat.

This could have all been avoided

if you'd only listened to me.

Sheldon,

I knew your mother was fine
with us living together

because I already
told her we were.

Why would you do that?

This was a potential issue,

so I got out ahead of it

and I managed
the situation for you.

You "managed the situation."

That's right.

So my mother thought I was
incapable of finding a mate,

and my mate thinks I'm incapable
of running my own life.

Not your whole life!

I mean, science.
You got that.

Organizing your sock drawer,
you're the king.

But understanding
how other people are feeling,

that's a weak spot for you.

I have gotten
much better at that.

Have you?
How am I feeling right now?

What the... How should I know?

Excited? Itchy?
Give me the first letter.

You and I are in
a relationship.

I help you with
your shortcomings,

and you help me with mine.

How would you feel
if I contacted

your mother behind your back?

Delighted that you showed any
interest in my family at all?

"Delighted"?

What... Not if I guessed
for a hundred years.

(knocking on door)

Hi.
Hey, guys.

Hey.
Hi. There's the little family!

Hello.
Hello.

And their Sherpas.
Mm-hmm.

The baby's asleep,
can we put her in your room?

Yeah. Go ahead.
Do you need help?

No. I got it.

Doubtfire, Poppins, follow me.

Sorry we're late.

Oh, it's no problem, Amy and
Sheldon were just telling us

about their trip to Texas.

Yeah. Here.

I'll catch you up.

(gasps)
How did we get in the car?

Stop.

Okay. They told Mary
they were living together,

there was a fight, he
got his feelings hurt,

then he put underwear
on his head...

On purpose,

not the way it used to
happen in high school.

I was acting odd
intentionally.

Really? So you can control it?

Okay. Then what happened?

Well, there's really
not much left to tell.

I decided that my mother
views me as a child

because I never went through
a rebellious phase,

so, I got an earring.

(click, then Sheldon screams)

My mother made me
take it out.

(screams)

Amy put alcohol on it.

(screams)

And here we are.

What did we miss?

I couldn't explain it
if I tried.

So tell me, how did Sheldon
look with an earring?

Like the pirate who helps
the other pirates

connect to the Internet.

So what did you
and Leonard do?

Actually, we got in
a pretty nasty fight.

It might've been
the worst one we've ever had.

Oh, my God,
what happened?

Well, we had started

binge-watching
Luke Cage together,

and it was kind of
our thing, and then,

I find out that she watched
two episodes without me.

It's like I was excited
for a present and got socks.

I don't understand how
that turns into

the worst fight of your life.

I don't understand
what's wrong with socks.

To be fair,
we may have been on edge

because of the Christmas tree.

What happened
with the tree?

("Sleigh Ride"
by The Ronettes plays)

You do make a cute elf.

Oh, yeah?

And you thought Spock ears
were only good for Comic-Con.

Hey, hey, I just found a farm

where they let you chop down
your own tree.

Oh cool, I'll be like
a pointy-eared Paul Bunyan.

Stupid idea.

No, what's stupid is a physicist

who doesn't understand
when you swing an axe,

you don't let go.

For the tenth time,
my mittens were slippery!

Ugh.

It's 70 degrees,
you didn't need mittens.

You know how easily I blister.

Yes, yes,
you bruise, you peel.

It's like I'm married
to an old piece of fruit.

Look, we could keep fighting
and let it ruin our night,

or-or we can stop
and try to salvage the evening.

Fine.
Thank you.

Leonard?

Yeah.

There's something
on the windshield.

(grunting)

You need a break?

Do not need a break.

There's no shame
in asking for a break.

If I need a break,
I'll ask for a break!

Ugh.

Leonard?

Yeah?

There's a tree on you.

Oh!

Sh...

Ooh.

Ah.

You want to
decorate it tonight?

Yeah, with gasoline
and a match? Sure.

(both groan)

(both panting)

(animal chittering)

I hope it kills us both.

By the way,
if anyone asks,

the elevator shaft
always had a tree in it.

So Bernadette,
if I express

interest in your baby will you
promise not to make me touch it?

Sure.

Hey, how's life
with your baby?

Really? You're never
gonna touch their baby?

To this day
I've never touched Stuart.

It's been wonderful, Sheldon,
thanks for asking.

(baby crying)

BERNADETTE: Oh, please stop
crying, I'm begging you!

I don't know what else to do!

My boobs are empty.
Do you want lasagna?

(baby continues crying)

Shh, shh, shh,
it's okay, it's okay.

Shh.

(crying stops)

What have we done?

Hey, I found superhero
baby wipes,

the perfect way
to clean up crime...

and tushies.

(chuckles)

(baby crying)
Ugh.

It took me two hours
to get her down.

Oh, you-you relax,
I'll take this shift.

You know, in India when
my baby brother cried like that,

the servants would
just take him far away

so we couldn't hear it.

Not always,
sometimes we'd leave.

(crying stops)

Hey, he got her to stop.

That was so fast.

Oh, he's really good with her.

(voice breaking):
Yeah, he has a gift.

What's the matter?

Nothing,
these are happy tears.

Oh, good.
(chuckles)

No they're not,
you bozo!

How come Stuart can get her
to stop crying, but I can't?

I mean, it's Stuart.

Maybe she's playing possum
until he goes away.

Not funny.

She's tired, that was funny.

Everyone's a better mom
than me.

Oh, don't take it so personally,

maybe your baby's just a jerk.

(cries loudly)

Wait, so how does
the story end?

Is the baby a jerk
or is Bernadette a bad mother?

Sheldon!

W-What?

Is there
another twist coming?

Is the baby
not theirs at all?

Ignore him.

How did you get
the baby to stop crying?

Oh, I just talked to her.

I've been told the sound of
my voice puts people to sleep.

You poor things,
you must be exhausted.

It has been hard to sleep
with all the crying.

(crying loudly)

How can she hate me?

I make her food
in my chest!

It's like hating
a frozen yogurt machine.

She doesn't hate you,
stop saying that.

Now you hate me too!

Shh, I don't hate you.

(baby crying)

(crying)

(crying)

(all three crying)

It says here that
up to 80% of new mothers

experience baby blues.

And that
the best thing to do

is reassure them that
they're doing a good job.

Bernadette,

you are doing
a good job.

Thank you, Sheldon,
I'm feeling better now.

Thank you, Internet.

I'm telling you,
with the right YouTube video,

I can give Howard
a vasectomy.

So things started
to turn around?

Yeah, eventually I figured out
how to get the baby to sleep.

Please tell me you didn't use
Amy's magic juice.

(whispering): Bernie?
BERNADETTE: Shh.

She's asleep.

Great.

And where are you?

Down here.

Oh.
(chuckles)

This is new.

I didn't know
what else to do.

It worked.

Well, I'd say that's
thinking outside the box,

but... (clicks tongue)
...come on.

(chuckles)

Don't make me laugh.

(softly):
Oh.

Do you need help getting out?

I think I live here now.

It's fine.
(chuckles)

Is it okay if I get some sleep?

Yeah, go ahead.

Good job, Mommy.

(chuckles)

I'm proud of you.

(voice breaking):
Don't make me cry, either.

Good night.

I love both my girls.

We love you, too.

I can't believe
you fit in the crib.

I could take a bath
in the sink.

I don't, but I can.

So how were your holidays?

Oh, thank you for asking.

Uh, I, uh,
went to visit my grandmother.

She's in Bakersfield.

Uh, usually my brother
and sister go...

(all snoring)

Oh, come on!

That was fun, thank you.

Yeah, thanks.

Our pleasure.
See you guys at work.

KOOTHRAPPALI:
Be there bright and early.

Not me, paternity leave.
Oh!

A small human

wreaks havoc
on his wife's genitals

and he gets time off.

With pay, sucka!

(door closes)

Forgot the baby,
still new to this.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man