The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 10, Episode 13 - The Romance Recalibration - full transcript

Previously on The Big Bang Theory...
(baby crying) BERNADETTE: Please stop crying.
I'm begging you. I don't know what else to do.
My boobs are empty.
Do you want lasagna?
(baby fussing)
It's okay, it's okay.
Shh...
(crying stops)
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What have we done?
(door opens)
(soft music playing)
What... what's all this?
Well, it sounded like you were having a rough day,
so I wanted you to come home to something nice.
Oh, that is so thoughtful.
Hey, do you remember when we went wine tasting
in Santa Barbara and you said
that was the best rosé you'd ever had?
Yeah, I remember us driving up there,
going to the winery and...
that's it.
And this wine is why.
Oh.
Hey, what smells so good?
I made your favorite: pizza bagels!
(gasps)
Pink wine and pizza bagels?
It's like eighth grade all over again.
I am so lucky to have you.
Well, now be careful, these are hot.
I-I could explain the thermodynamics
of why the cheese seems hotter than the crust,
but instead, I'm gonna keep it to myself.
Oh.
You always know what not to say.
I just, I can't believe you did all this.
Well, you know,
it's easy to take each other for granted and
I never want to do that to you, because
your love,
it's like a river.
It's peaceful and deep.
Your soul is, it's like a secret
that I never could keep.
You did not just quote an NSYNC song.
I quoted your favorite NSYNC song.
Oh... (chuckles)
Mm.
(belches)
(chuckling): Damn.
I burped so hard, I died in my game.
(laughs)
d Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state d
d Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! d
d The Earth began to cool d
d The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools d
d We built the Wall d d We built the pyramids d
d Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery d
d That all started with a big bang d
d Bang! d
d The Big Bang Theory 10x13 d The Romance Recalibration Original Air Da
== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man
Leonard, I've been meaning to ask you:
what size shoe do you wear?
Why?
I'm trying to take more of an interest
in other people's lives.
That's nice.
I wear a size eight and a half.
(giggles) That's small.
So, tell me, do you have any plans for the weekend?
Are you gonna laugh at the answer?
Only if the answer is "shopping for baby shoes."
If you must know,
Penny won a spa weekend from work
and she's taking me.
Oh, well you know, that is interesting.
I wonder what kind of infection you'll come home with.
My money's on fungal.
They're still having girl'' night across the hall.
Oh, so, hang out with me and we'll have boys' night.
At our age,
why don't we call it man's night?
Because we just spent our allowance on comic books.
Penny, is it weird that we're having girls' night here,
but you don't live here anymore,
so it's basically my girls' night?
I hadn't really thought about it.
But now you're thinking about it and it bothers you?
I get that.
Things going well with you and Sheldon living together?
Better than ever.
He asks about my day, takes an interest in my life.
He's like my boyfriend in college,
except he's real, so people can see him.
I've been seeing him for years,
I'm still not convinced he's real.
Hey, can I ask you a question?
You've been married for a while.
Is it normal for the husband
to kind of completely stop giving a crap?
(sighs) Uh-oh, what's going on?
Well, Leonard used to do all these things,
like bring me flowers
and wear pants.
It's okay, Howie never has on pants.
The Domino's guy brings the pizza like this now.
Well, Sheldon always has his pants on.
I don't think I could pick his knees out of a lineup.
Well, it's not just the pants.
Just, it's like since we got married,
he doesn't really try anymore.
Uh, Penny?
I don't know how to say this,
but this is my first girls' night
and you're kind of bumming everybody out.
All right, got Halley to sleep.
Yeah, I heard you on the baby monitor.
Didn't think you could turn the theme from Walking Dead
into a lullaby.
Yeah, got to get her hooked on TV,
or someday, she'll want me to play outside.
Boy, that floor is so squeaky.
I'm surprised I didn't wake her up walking out of the room.
Have you tried anything to fix it?
Well, I put the rug down.
It didn't help.
I know. Blue shag. What were you thinking?
Did try nailing a couple of the boards down.
Did that do anything?
Yeah, it left little holes in the floor,
that's why I bought the rug.
If you do that, I'll win in eight moves.
I'll win in five moves.
I'll win in one move.
Oh, no. Good game.
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, Penny, I'm trying
to take an interest in other people.
Uh, how was your girls' night?
Oh, it was fine.
Hmm. Did you have anything to eat?
Uh, chips.
(stammers) Anything to drink?
Some wine.
Well, I'm just playing tennis against the drapes here.
Just ignore him.
Hmm. At least he took an interest.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing.
Hey, what's going on with you?
I don't want to talk about it.
Well, hey, come on, just tell me.
Fine.
Lately, I kind of feel like
you've been taking me for granted.
Wh-what? Where is this coming from?
SHELDON: Leonard.
She might be drunk.
All she had was chips.
It's just, since we got married you seem to think
you don't have to try anymore.
That is ridiculous.
This is exactly why I didn't want to talk about it.
No, No, no, no. Let's talk about it.
I'm the one who's made all the effort
in this relationship since day one.
Please tell me what more I could do.
Okay. You know what? Maybe I'll take Amy with me
to the spa this weekend instead.
Fine, go ahead.
Amy is free.
She had a harp lesson on Saturday,
but it got canceled...
Boy, when you take an interest in people,
you really uncork a geyser of nonsense.
Okay. Thanks, Daddy.
He said the only way to really fix an old floor like that
is to tear it up and replace the whole thing.
That sounds expensive. Hang on.
No offense to her father,
but he's not an MIT-trained engineer.
Thinking and building is what you do.
MIT's motto is "Mind and hand,"
which just so happens was also my motto as a lonely teenager.
Oh, come on. We just need to be more creative.
What if you didn't step on the floor at all?
Like, what if you...
swung on a rope from the ceiling?
(grunts)
(groans)
No.
Okay. Um...
Okay. What if you rig up a pulley system
and move yourself across the room in a harness?
(creaking)
No.
BERNADETTE: I have one.
What if you got a giant slingshot
and flung yourself into the wall?
Is that supposed to be funny?
Hold on.
(screaming)
Yeah, that's funny.
- All right, we're heading out. - Mm-hmm.
I'll call you when we get to the hotel.
And if they have any of those tiny bottles of shampoo?
I will bring them home so you can show me
how Godzilla takes a shower.
Have fun. Thanks.
Are you ready?
Uh-huh.
Bye, Sheldon.
You know what?
I feel uncomfortable engaging in a public display of affection
while their relationship is strained.
Go ahead, it's fine.
Bye. Bye.
Okay! Let's go!
Bye.
Bye.
I'll miss you.
Yeah, I'll miss you, too.
I'll miss you more.
Well, if X equals the amount that you'll miss me,
then I'll miss you X plus one. (giggles)
If you miss me X plus one, I'll miss you
open paren X plus one, close paren to the second...
Thank you.
You're sad, so I made you tea.
Thanks.
And it's just the way you like it.
Earl Grey? Yes.
Honey? Yes.
Unsweetened almond-- Good Lord!
I made you tea. Just drink it!
Sorry, thank you.
Well, what can we do to cheer you up?
I really don't know.
You want to play Jenga?
Or, uh, Ticket to Ride?
Hearthstone?
I-- what would you be the happiest losing at?
I don't want to play a game, Sheldon.
Wow, and I remember when you loved playing games with me.
Maybe Penny isn't the only relationship you're phoning in.
It's not that I'd stopped trying,
it's just how relationships progress.
They start with infatuation,
but over time mellow into something more comfortable.
Hmm. Yeah, you're right.
It's like when I first encountered
the Pythagorean Theorem.
You know, I was blown away
that the square of the hypotenuse
was the sum of the squares of the opposite sides.
Yeah, but now I'm just like "eh."
Okay, this grid represents the room.
All we need to do is plot out where each squeak is
and we can find a quiet path to the crib.
It looks like a map from Dungeons & Dragons.
Mm.
Except the creature in the crib is a level-nine poop monster.
Okay, uh, you check for squeaks,
and I will mark them down.
(floor squeaking) Okay.
Space A-3, here we go.
(squeaking)
It's squeaking. Mark it.
It's nice to think that you grew up in this room
and now your daughter's going to as well.
Mm. I hope she has the same amount of sex in it I did.
None. Next square.
Why do you bounce with your hands in the air like that?
(chuckles) It's a tradition of my people.
d If I were a rich man d
(vocalizing)
"Material Girl" needs to be retired.
That is your karaoke song.
Would you like to play a driving game I invented?
Is it about the failing state of my relationship with Penny?
Never mind.
You know, Penny went to this spa to be away from you.
Are you sure you should be going there?
I don't want to wait two days for us to work this out.
Very well.
You got married spur of the moment.
I don't see why your divorce should be any different.
I would pull this car over and kick you out,
but... if Penny dumps me, you're all I got.
When was the last time you got a massage?
Sheldon walked on my back two weeks ago,
but that was just 'cause there was a spider on his pillow
and he was trying to get away.
Leonard stood on me once, too,
but he was just trying to see the Rose Parade.
(knocking)
I don't know the protocol,
are you gonna be naked for your massage?
Well. Yeah.
Hmm. Then this is probably too many clothes.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
I came here to apologize.
Okay. Leonard, I really appreciate that,
but I need a little time to myself.
Wha... Okay. I don't get it.
You said make an effort.
Here I am, making an effort.
Hello, Amy. It's nice to see you.
Nice to see you, too.
And that's how you make effort look effortless.
All right. Can you please just go
and we'll talk about this tomorrow?
I don't understand what you want!
I'm trying to figure it out!
You know what? If you'd like,
I could whip up a quick Relationship Agreement.
Well, I'm at a spa,
might as well do something relaxing.
Sheldon, why don't we give them some privacy?
(sighs) Very well.
Hey. Later, we'll check out the minibar?
I'll show you how Godzilla gets drunk.
So what we did was map out the entire room
to identify every squeak.
Watch. It's easy, once you get the hang of it.
(clears throat)
Step.
Step.
Hop onto ottoman.
Don't do that in socks, I almost broke my neck.
Then simply sit,
spin, stand,
stretch...
Maybe unloosen your pants.
And... step,
grab, tiny pivot,
pull, and you're there.
(sighs) Easy, peasy, mac and...
(exhales) You get the idea.
You actually expect me to do this
while holding a baby in the dark?
Hold on...
I don't think she was impressed.
Bigger problems.
I felt something pop.
There's a cucumber in my water.
Uh-huh.
Do they know it's there?
Um, sh-should I tell somebody?
It's there on purpose.
It's refreshing.
Interesting.
The world's most boring liquid
and the world's most boring vegetable.
But you put 'em together, and bleh.
Hey. Hi.
Oh! Good, you're here. Are you still fighting?
If you get divorced, do I get two Christmases?
We're not getting divorced.
Listen, we realized, that, uh...
we're facing some new challenges
as a married couple.
PENNY: Yeah. And there are a few things
we need to stay on top of. So we thought
it would useful--
and I can't believe I am about to say this--
um...
Would you please help us make a Relationship Agreement?
But one that's tailored to us.
Okay? We don't need a bathroom schedule.
Although a rule about him texting me from in there
might help with the romance.
What do you say?
I get to write a contract?
I say, let's get this party of the first part started!
(they laugh)
(whoops, mutters)
Do you really think that's funny?
It's in our agreement. I have to laugh.
If you find this draft acceptable,
then I believe your new Relationship Agreement
is ready to be signed.
Article 8, subsection B:
Leonard will restrict video-gaming in underpants
to hours Penny is not home.
This includes boxers, briefs, thongs, G-strings
or anything else that calls attention
to his pasty little thighs.
Does it really need to say that?
I did this for free, let me get a little something.
Article 10, subsection C:
If questioned, Penny may not say that everything
is fine if it isn't.
Other unacceptable responses include: "It's nothing,"
"Don't worry about it," and "I said it's nothing,
don't worry about it."
I think this all looks good.
Me, too.
Oh, well. Great, then. Here.
You sign here, date here.
And, Penny, if you could initial here to indicate
that you're accepting Leonard in "as is" condition.
Aw. I remember signing our first Relationship Agreement.
Mm. You seem to be forgetting the "no nostalgia" clause.
Right, right. Got it.
== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man
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