The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 10, Episode 11 - The Birthday Synchronicity - full transcript

Previously on
The Big Bang Theory...
Hey, Stuart.

What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm living here again.

Do, uh, Howard
and Bernadette know?

Or is like a possum
in the walls kind of thing?

No. I needed
a place to stay,

and with the baby coming,

I figured they could
use some extra help.

Hey, tomorrow, who wants
to paint the nursery?

I'll do it.
Why do you get to do it?
I'm the artist.

Just because you're starving
doesn't make you an artist.

Just because I look sickly
doesn't mean I'm starving.



BERNADETTE:
Howard?

I think I'm in labor.

Oh. Oh, okay. Okay.

Uh, uh, uh,
I can do this.

We have a plan.

Somebody please
tell me the plan!

I'll get the
hospital bag.

I'll pull the van up.
Meet you outside
in two minutes.

Team Baby, go!
(grunting)

WOLOWITZ:
Oh, man.

This is really
happening.

You doin' okay?

Here comes another contraction.

Let's pick it up!



All right, hold on.

I'm gonna drive
like we do in India.

(horn honking)
Get out of my way,
you syphilitic dogs!

Stop that!
This isn't India.
Fine.

What do one point three billion
people know about having babies?

Sorry. I know
you were just
trying to help.

I love you.

I love you, too.
We're good.

¶ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ¶

¶ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ¶

¶ The Earth began to cool ¶

¶ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ¶

¶ We built the Wall ¶
¶ We built the pyramids ¶

¶ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ¶

¶ That all started
with a big bang ¶

¶ Bang! ¶

Amy?

Wake up.

Wh... What's wrong?

It's midnight.

Happy birthday.

Sheldon.

(loud honking)

Okay, you can have
this back in the morning.

This is for you.

I was going to wrap it,

but touching Scotch tape
gives me the heebie-jeebies.

I'll put in on the list
with peaches and felt.

What is this?

A functional MRI
of my brain.

I did Sudoku before they
took it so I'd be ripped.

I love it. Thank you.

And it's not just an MRI.

The orbitofrontal
cortex is lit up

because I was
thinking of you.

Sheldon!

We seem to be moving on
to the annual coitus portion

of your birthday
festivities.

Is that okay?

I didn't put on my come-hither
plaid PJ's for nothing.

You hate Scotch tape,
but you love Scotch plaid.

You are a mystery.

(loud knocking)
PENNY:
Guys, wake up!

Bernadette's
having her baby!

LEONARD:
Come on, we're going
to the hospital!

(quietly):
I guess... I guess
we should stop.

Yeah. I'm afraid so.

Childbirth,
looming coitus?

This is a banner night
for female genitals.

Now I see
three of you.

Do we know the father, or is
this some Mamma Mia nonsense?

I'm the father.

Okay, Dad, how far apart
are the contractions?

No idea.
Ask him.

12 minutes.

12 minutes?
Why are you here?

Aren't we supposed to get here
an hour and a half early?

This is a hospital,
not the airport.

I'm sorry.
It's our first time.

It's okay.

This little one will be
here before you know it.

Do we know what
we're having?

No, we're keeping it
a surprise.

Old school. Nice.

Not that old school.
He knows.

(sing-songy):
You see, I was
at the doctor's office,

the folder was right there,
so I took a peek.

(imitating Koothrappali):
And talking like this

doesn't make it less creepy.

Sweetheart, go home.

Come back when
the contractions

are five minutes
apart for an hour.

KOOTHRAPPALI:
I'm sorry.

That's ambiguous.

Is it five minutes apart
starting at the top of the hour,

with the first contraction, so
essentially, like, 65 minutes?

I'm just throwing
this out there,

but home births are
very popular these days.

Sheldon, what took you so long?

Wolowitz might
hand out cigars.

I had to find my bubble gum

cigar so I could join in
without looking foolish.

Damn, I need my inhaler.

Just don't smoke.

No, I went down
the stairs too fast.

(ringtone playing)

Hey.

Don't come to the hospital.
We're headed home.

Oh, that was fast.
Did she sneeze the baby out?

We showed up too early.
We'll keep you posted.

Okay, well, we'll

talk to you guys later. Bye.

She said not to come.
It's gonna be a while.

(sighs)
Well, first deliveries
can be slow.

I am starting to rethink the
Flash onesie I bought this kid.

I found it,
but it's empty.

Well, it doesn't matter. We're
not going to the hospital now.

Are you sure?
I'd really like to.

Well, should we,
uh, head back up?

PENNY:
Come on, guys.

We're all awake. Why don't we go
to a diner or something?

Oh, uh, I don't know.

Sheldon, you don't want
to do that, do you?

It doesn't matter what I want.

It's your birthday.
You decide.
PENNY:
Oh, my God!

It's your birthday!
Let's do something fun.

Uh...
Well,

we could go to a bar.

Well...

Okay, I can breathe again.
Babe, they want to have sex.

PENNY:
Oh, of course!

The annual birthday
booty spectacular!

That's a bit childish,
isn't it?

I'm sorry, and what flavor is
your bubble gum cigar?

Grape. I find it
the most mild.

All right, well,
you two go have fun.

If we find my backup inhaler,
maybe we can get frisky.

Oh, you sexy,
wheezy little man.

Do you really need
to record this?

KOOTHRAPPALI:
You'll be happy I did.

(sing-songy):
Okay, little one,
here we are back at home

because you weren't quite ready
to come out yet.

You wanted to make an entrance.
I get it.

And here's your daddy.

When he tries to tell
you he used to be cool,

you can see he wasn't.

All right,
enough with the camera.

Well, this is not for me.
This is for the baby.

Some day she's gonna
want to see this.

I'm sorry.

Who's gonna want to see this?

I... I said "she,"
but lots of things are she--

boats

and cars,

whales.
Like, "Thar she blows."

You're doing great.

Raj!

Well, okay,
I'm gonna sign off now.

This next part may contain
some adult language.

How could you?!

We made it this
far without knowing,

and you ruined it!

Well, you guys have no idea
how hard it is

to know something like this
and not say it!

You told me it was a girl,
and I didn't say it.

Raj!
You were supposed

to keep that to yourself.

Oh, yeah. I guess it is hard.

So... (laughs)

...where were we?

Well, I believe

we were kissing like
randy teenagers,

and your nose was
whistling ever so slightly.

I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be.

You were like a
foxy tea kettle.

(laughs)

Well, shall we start over?

Very well.

What's wrong?

I'm not sure.

Earlier tonight, things
began organically,

and now it's
feeling forced,

like all the Pirates
of the Caribbean sequels.

Okay, that makes sense.

I mean, the mood's
a little different now.

We-we don't have to rush.

Oh, I know, but Leonard and
Penny think we're doing it,

and I don't want
to disappoint them.

And the mood continues
to change.

No, and also, I don't
want to disappoint you. I...

You know, come on.
It's your birthday.

I can soldier through this.

H-Hold on.

I think I might have
a little surprise

that might help get things
back on track.

Intriguing.

Is "back on track" a hint

that it has something
to do with trains?

No.

Because if it did have to do
with trains, and you were

gonna give...
It's not about trains!

Oh. Not even a cozy sleeper
car on the Orient Express?

Stop talking
about trains!

Who's killing the mood now?

Found the backup inhaler.
Want to have sex?

Well, I didn't
until I heard that.

Hang on. I'm counting.

It's okay.
Mm.

(knocking)

KOOTHRAPPALI (sing-songy):
Hello!

Howard and Bernadette
kicked me out

because I told them
they're having a girl!

(sing-songy):
Oopsy, I did it again.

Maybe if we're quiet,
he'll go away.

(sing-songy): You're gonna
have to be quieter than that.

Can I look yet?

One second.

(chuckles) All right,
you can open your eyes.

I thought I'd let Harry Potter

make things hotter.
(giggles)

Wowza.

I got a Gryffindor robe
for you.

(exhales):
Oh...

A Gryffindor sleeping
with a Hufflepuff?

How scandalous.

You naughty girl.

You went to the Wizarding World
theme park without me.

I did.

Am I in trouble?

Yes, you're in trouble--

you went to Wizarding World
without me!

Wait, what just happened?

You know

I've been wanting to go.

(sighs) Sheldon, do you
really want to argue with me

on my birthday?

Oh, you're right.

I'm sorry.

Ooh. Happy birthday to me.

(knocking)

KOOTHRAPPALI (sing-songy):
Hello...

Is this about the baby?

No. People just keep
kicking me out everywhere I go.

Good. Then you're used to this.

Hey, Bernadette's water broke!

Come on! Everyone
to the hospital!

AMY:
You have got to be kidding me!

Just try to relax.
We'll be there any minute.

Stuart, stop driving
like an old man.

Speed it up a little.

I'm not an old man!

I just can't see at night.

(groaning):
Here comes another one.

Hey, Squinty,
the gas pedal's on the right!

All right, hang on.

If you see any pedestrians,
just call 'em out.

(engine roaring)

Howard and Bernadette's kid
might be born on your birthday.

How cool is that?

Yeah, but I thought this
baby was supposed to ruin

their sex life, not mine.

KOOTHRAPPALI:
This is not how

I imagined this day going--
I should be with them right now.

Well, it is
their child.

I know that.

But to be fair,
I've spent nine months

helping Bernadette
get ready for this baby.

And Howard spent five minutes
conceiving it.

And I'm being generous.

Five minutes?

We must be doing it wrong.
It took us hours.

KOOTHRAPPALI:
And-and the worst part is

that they kicked me out
and let Stuart stay.

I understand, but this is
a special day for them.

Can you just try and let it go?

You know, I just learned Amy
went to a theme park without me,

but I'm not going
to ruin her birthday.

I'll wait, and ruin
24 individual hours

sprinkled
throughout the year.

(high-pitched):
Boop.

(groans)

Deep breaths,
slow breaths.

I'm so thirsty.
Give me more ice chips.

(crunching)

Sorry. I... thought
these were room ice chips.

I'll go get some more.

Uh, Stuart, while
you're out there,

don't come back.

Okay.

(chuckles)

So, what are we gonna
name this kid?

Now that we know
she's a girl,

it kind of ruins my plan
for Wally Wolowitz.

Could name her
after your mom.

Debbie?

(chuckles) No.

She hated that name.

Did she have a middle name?

Melvina.

Let's keep thinking.

Mm.
Ah.

It sucks that
she's not here.

I know.

Hm.

She would've been
the best grandma.

She did always have candy
in her pocket.

(exhales) Yeah.

I was 20 years old
before I figured out

Tootsie Rolls weren't
naturally warm.

I didn't know her
five minutes and she asked,

(like Mrs. Wolowitz):
"Are you a Milky Way
or a Snickers girl?"

Thank God you answered right,
we wouldn't be here today.

It's hard to believe
Howard's having a kid.

Penny, you're the one who
introduced him to Bernie.

How many times do I have
to say I'm sorry?

It's not just Howard
and Bernadette. I mean,

look how far
we've all come.

Hmm.
Hmm.

You two got married.

Sheldon and I
are living together.

But if my mom asks,
we have bunk beds.

Penny was a struggling
actress when we met,

and now she's a successful
pharmaceutical rep.

Okay, you don't have to say
"struggling" every time.

You can just say "actress."

Howard went to space.

Bernadette got
her doctorate.

Sheldon, Howard and I are
working with the government

on our quantum gyroscope.

We've all come a long way.

There's a lot
to be proud of.

For God's sake, just drive in
the knife, why don't you!

What's your problem?
Well, you're all thinking

that I'm the only one who
hasn't done anything worthwhile.

I was not thinking it.

Although, now that
you point it out,
it is undeniable.

Raj, if it's
any consolation,

I'm no better off than
I was ten years ago.

Oh, yay!

I have a doctorate
in astrophysics

and I'm every bit as awesome

as the pasty-faced owner
of a comic book store!

Raj! Show some compassion.

Those are things that
we think but don't say.

Excuse me.

Hey, I'm in a hospital
and I'm not the patient.

I'm fine.

Come on, Bernie, breathe.

Remember what you learned
in birthing class.

I remember thinking,
"This is stupid,"

and I was right!

Do you want me
to get the nurse?

No! If one more person puts
their fingers near my uterus,

I'm gonna cross my legs
and snap 'em off!

I've come to peace with my
relationship with my parents.

That was a big milestone for me.

Oh, speaking of personal growth,

I recently tried eating
Swiss chard.

You know, I didn't swallow it,
but Amy said it counted.

Hey.
Hey.

Still a loser or
did you turn things around

while you were gone?

You know, Raj, honey,

you're being
too hard on yourself.

When I first met you,
you couldn't even talk to women.

I mean, you couldn't even talk
if one was in the room.

Oh, great, now I can say

things like "I can't believe
you're breaking up with me."

"Why are you breaking up
with me?"

"Yes, I'll still help you move."

Anyone else want to try?

Uh, yeah, I got something.

Raj,

not everybody
could be a dog owner.

Oh, what? Did your doggie
break up with you too?

Hey, I bought M&Ms
at the vending machine

and two bags came out.

I bought the first one,

it didn't fall.

Here.

She's here, the baby's here!

Oh! Oh.
Congratulations!

How's Bernadette?

Tired, but great.

They're both great.

Does the baby have a name yet?

We have named her Halley.

Oh!
Oh, like Halley's comet.

HOWARD:
Exactly.

Also like the comet,
Bernadette said

she's not gonna have sex
with me for another 75 years.

That's not a real thing,
he's just joking.

I'm gonna get back.

Thank you for staying up,
I can't wait for Halley to meet

her new aunts and uncles

and godfather.

Really?

Of course.

I've got a dog and a godchild,
you have nothing!

(babies cooing)

Oh, look at all the babies!

Some will be successful,

some may be homeless.

It's fun to think about.

I wonder which one's Halley.

Kind of hard to see the names.

Mm, that one kind of
looks like Bernadette.

They all look the same to me.

KOOTHRAPPALI:
Guys,

she's my goddaughter,

I think I'll know
when I see her.

(baby cries loudly
like Mrs. Wolowitz)

That one.

Well, that was quite a day.

It was.

Bernadette had her baby,

I made it to Wizarding World,

and now it is time to complete

your birthday celebration.

Hankius

pankius.

I was afraid you'd be too tired.

Amy, I just saw a magic train

and reported somebody
for cutting the line.

If that's not foreplay,
I don't know what is.

(chuckles)