The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Widow Poke Arrives - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

♪ ♪

That ought to keep your pa
out of the house for a spell.

Now you run upstairs
and get dressed,

and get to the airport
to meet your new ma.

But, Granny, the Widow
Poke ain't my new ma yet.

She will be.

I been matchmakin'
better than 50 years.

Ain't had a failure yet.

Well, but what if Pa
don't want to get married?

Elly May, no man
wants to get married.

You have to lead 'em to
the trough of happiness

like you would a horse to water.

But, Granny...

Now, Elly May, leave these
growed up matters to me.

Now, your pa needs a
wife and you need a ma.

The Widow Poke needs a husband,

and that no-account
boy of hers needs a pa.

I'm gonna have four people

a-slurpin' from one
trough of happiness.

Now you scoot.

Yeah.

(singing to show theme song):
♪ Oh, Jed needs a wife ♪

♪ And Elly needs a ma ♪

♪ The widow needs a husband
and her boy needs a pa ♪

♪ And who's gonna make
'em all as happy as can be? ♪

That little old
matchmaker... me.

I don't like
this... not one bit.

Jed Clampett wouldn't get
married without confiding in me.

Now I want to know
what's going on.

All I know is that Granny
asked me to drive Elly May

to the airport to
meet the bride-to-be.

Well, I don't like it.

Who is this Widow Poke?

Apparently she's an old
friend from back in the hills.

Probably after
Jed for his money.

I don't like it, I tell you.

I doubt that money
is her motive, Chief.

Her son is Johnny Poke,
the teenagers' favorite singer.

I don't care who he
is. I still don't like it.

He's reputed to earn over
a million dollars a year.

A million a year? Yes.

I'm beginning to like it.

He'll need a good safe
bank for all that money.

See, Uncle Jed?

I told you we was
walking around in a circle.

This here is our
own cement pond.

I know that, boy.

Now quiet down, I want
to study on something.

Granny let me out of my chores

just so I could go
huntin' with you.

That's what I want to study on.

Heck fire, we can't even
shoot off our guns around here.

You do too much shootin'
off without your gun.

If Granny sees me,
I'll have to go to work!

She ain't gonna see you,
but she might hear you

if you don't quiet down.

I declare, you make more noise

than an empty wagon
on a froze up road.

Well, why don't you tell me
what you want to study on,

so's I can help you.

I'm awful smart.

Well, it's about Granny.

I know she's cookin'
up something,

but I don't know what it is.

Well, I do.

You do?

Yeah. Found out this morning.

What is it?

Grits and fatback.

Thank you, boy.

You're welcome. I
could have told you that

down at the bottom of the hill.

Now can we go huntin'?

You go huntin'. I want
to set here a spell.

Okay.

Any time you want to find
out what Granny's cookin' up,

all you got to do
is lift the pot lid

and look in.

Now why couldn't
I think of that?

Reckon you just
ain't got my brain.

(yelling)

Well, you ain't
gonna have it long

if you don't watch
where you're goin'.

Elly will be ready in a minute.

What do you think
about Jed gettin' married?

Well, it comes as
quite a surprise.

It certainly does.

If you think you're surprised,

wait till Jed hears about it.

You mean to say, Mr. Clampett
doesn't know he's getting married?

He don't even know the
widow's comin' to town.

If he did, he would
stubborn up on me

like a mule in a mud puddle.

Well, aren't you
taking a lot for granted?

Yes. It takes two
to make a marriage.

Well, two's makin'
this marriage.

The Widow Poke... and me.

Get a move on, Elly.

Granny, I feel very strongly

that we should sit
down with Mr. Clampett

and talk this over.

So do I.

I figured you would.

That's why I sent him huntin'.

Granny, you can't just...

Now you listen to me.

There ain't a man been born
that knows what's best for him.

Jed is too young to be
single and miserable.

But he's very happy.

Where'd you hear that? From him?

Well, as a matter of fact, yes.

What does he know about it?

Underneath all that happiness,

he's miserable.

Jed needs a wife, and I'm
gonna see that he gets one.

Hi there, Miss
Jane, Mr. Drysdale.

Hello. Hello, Elly.

Now, Elly will point
the Widow out to you.

Though she'll be hard to miss,

'cause she's so beautiful.

The Widow Poke?

You just be quiet and point.

Well, I hope Mr. Clampett
won't be angry with us

for our part in this.

You leave Jed to me.

I've been matchmakin'
better than 50 years.

I ain't had a failure yet.

(laughing)

By the time you
get the widow back,

Jed will be dressed
in his courtin' clothes,

pawing the ground
getting ready to propose.

Bye.

Jed.

Where's Elly goin'?

Who? Elly May.

Elly May who?

Elly May Alfalfa Hay.

I don't think I know any...

Granny, I'm talking about the
girl sitting in the back of that car.

What car?

The car goin' out the gate.

What gate?

Never mind.

I don't see so good, Jed.

Yeah, like a hawk
you don't see so good.

Well, reckon I'll get
back to my huntin'.

Uh, Jed... You got
to get all duded up.

To go huntin'?

You know, Beverly Hills style.

What kind of huntin' is that?

I'll tell ya about it, Jed.

It's plumb wonderful.

Now you get all dressed up.

You come out here
and you set on the porch

with a handful of
flowers and box of candy.

Now, Mr. Rabbit comes by,

sees you setting there,

and he says, "What's that
fella doing setting there?"

Then he says to himself,

"All dressed up,
he can't be huntin'."

Then Mr. Cottontail
comes... hopping up

to sniff the flowers.

You drop your hat on him

and you got yourself a rabbit.

Beverly Hills style? Yeah.

Sounds good.

Sure does.

Real smart. Ain't it?

He sniffs the flower... Yeah.

Drop the hat... Yep.

Got a rabbit. That's right.

One question. Ask me.

Who's the candy
for? The Widow Poke.

Jed, Jed, listen to me please.

Jed, now I want...
I want to explain...

Go ahead and shoot me.

If the time has come

when a poor, old, lonesome woman

can't invite a friend
to come and visit her,

then I don't want to
go on livin' nohow.

The Widow Poke is
coming to see you?

Of course.

But if hospitality
has become a crime,

then shoot me,
'cause I'm guilty.

That where Elly's gone...
To meet the widow?

Yeah, but, Jed, you don't...

you don't have to let her in.

Lock the gates on her.

Sic the dogs on her.

Shoot her in the leg.

She'll get the hint
that she ain't welcome.

What does it matter
that poor old Granny

is dying of lonesomeness

to see the dearest,
sweetest friend

she ever had in the whole world.

(blows loudly)

The Widow Poke?

(sniffling)

Like sisters we was.

But this is your place, Jed.

You don't have to let her stay.

We'll go to one of
them flophouses.

Flophouses?

Though goodness knows,
we won't get no rest,

with all them men

beating on that beautiful
woman's door all night.

What beautiful
woman is that, Granny?

The Widow Poke.

Granny, you used to say

that she looked like the
backside of a mud fence.

Well, as a child she was plain.

But she blossomed
into a lovely young girl.

Girl?! The Widow Poke?!

I don't think she's seen 30.

Oh, she's seen it all right...
She just can't remember it.

Connect me with one
of them flophouses.

Granny, you know good and well

the widow's welcome here.

I just don't want you
to do no matchmakin'.

Matchmakin'?

Why, I don't know
what you're talkin' about.

Every man is free
to pick his own wife.

A man picks his own wife
like a tomato picks a farmer.

Especially with you
workin' around the patch.

Jed, if I was to
try matchmaking,

why would I try with a widow?

Don't know why not.

Don't know who's
got more goin' for her.

A widow knows all about men.

The only man knows
about her is dead.

I declare, I don't know what
makes you so suspicious.

Maybe it's because
every year for 15 years

you've tried to get me married.

Yeah, and you're
spoiling my perfect record.

What have you got
again' marriage anyway?

I ain't got nothi" again'
marriage, Granny.

I'm all for it. You are?

Of course. A man needs a wife.

That's right.

There's a lot of things he
can't blame on the government.

Worse huntin' I ever did see.

Hey, vittles ready, Granny?

We'll eat when our
company comes.

Now get upstairs and get
cleaned up, both of you.

Who's comin'?

The Widow Poke.

The finest cook in Cass County,

and the prettiest young woman

ever to come out of the hills.

Hmm, three of 'em, huh?

Get upstairs!

Boy, Uncle Jed, the
huntin' around here

sure is sorry.

Well, don't worry about it, boy.

Granny just taught me how
to hunt Beverly Hills style.

Well, tell me.

Well, you get
yourself all duded up,

you sit on the front porch
with a handful of flowers

and a box of candy.

Yeah?

Then along comes this rabbit...

sniffs the flowers...

you take off your hat...

I'll see that man happy
married if it kills him.

Don't drive too
fast, Miss Hardaway,

you'll bend Johnny.

I'll be careful.

And the name is Hathaway.

Mrs. Poke, do you carry that
picture everyplace you go?

Well, up to now, I ain't
never been no place.

But I wouldn't go
without Johnny.

Ain't he beautiful, Elly?

Yes, ma'am, Miss
Poke, he sure enough is.

Right handsome.

He's an angel that's what he is.

Do you like him, Miss Hardaway?

Oh, yes, indeed.

And the name is Hathaway.

I understand your son's income

is about a million
dollars a year.

Yes, and every
month, rain or shine,

regular as clockwork,

Johnny sends me five dollars.

My, what do you do
with all that money?

Up to now, must of it's
gone to pay for this picture.

Isn't he beautiful, Elly?

Yes, ma'am, he sure enough is.

He's an angel.

He sings like one, too.

Have you heard my boy
sing, Miss Hardaway?

Hathaway. Yes,
yes, he's excellent.

I hope he's putting all his
money in a good safe bank.

He sings in a gold suit.

Have you seen him
in his gold suit, Elly?

No, ma'am, I ain't.

Me neither.

It was sure nice of your
granny to pay my way out here

so that I could see Johnny.

To see Johnny?

Well, didn't she say anything

about your getting married?

Well, yeah, she did mention

something about marrying Jed,

but I'd have to
ask Johnny first.

Isn't he beautiful, Elly?

Yes, ma'am, he sure enough is.

Salt of the earth, that boy.

By the way, where is he
salting away all his money?

Mr. Drysdale is president
of our finest bank.

Oh, well, what bank is
that, Miss Hardaway?

Hathaway.

And it's the same bank

where Mr. Clampett
has his account.

Perhaps your son would like

to become a depositor.

Well, I'll speak
to him about it.

Wonderful.

Will you ask Miss
Hardaway to slow down.

She's a-bending Johnny again.

Slow down, Miss Hardaway.

Here, bunny, bunny, bunny.

Here, bunny.

Come on, you little rabbits.

Come on and sniff
the pretty little flowers.

What you doing, boy?

Oh, I'm huntin'
Beverly Hills style

like you told me.

See, I got a nice big
box to put the rabbits in

after I catch 'em.

Here, bunny, bunny...
Jethro, I was a-greenin' ya.

You can't hunt rabbits that way.

I can't?

Of course not.

Well, I better let these go.

Well, howdy, folks.

Welcome to California, Widow.

Oh, Jed, you
shouldn't have done it.

Well, as a matter
of fact, I, uh...

Dandy big picture
of your boy, ain't it?

Ain't he beautiful?

May I carry him into the
house for you, Mrs. Poke?

Yes, but handle him careful.

Put plenty of chairs
around the fancy eatin' table.

Yes'm, Granny.

GRANNY: Mr. Drysdale
and Miss Jane

will probably
stay for vittles, too,

along with the Widow Poke.

Uncle Jed, Granny, Elly, me...

(knocking)

Johnny Poke!

(imitating Johnny):
Hiya, Granny. Let's twist.

I'll twist your neck off

if you spent the
money I sent your ma.

That was for her to come
out here and marry Jed.

Jed!

So you ain't matchmakin', huh?

Uh, well... uh, uh,
uh... Now, uh, uh...

Uh, on account...

Jed, wait, I can
explain everything!

I hope.

Well, here we are.

Well, Mrs. Poke, what do
think of Mr. Clampett's mansion?

Now, let's see now, where
will I put my phonograph?

How about right
here, Miss Hardaway?

I see you have one of the
new transistor portables.

Very fine.

I had to sell my calf and walk
all the way to Sibley to buy that.

And I got all of
Johnny's albums.

Every time a new one comes
out, I sell a pig and buy it.

That's my boy.

Ain't he beautiful?

And he sings like an angel.

(rock and roll playing)

♪ I'm a dragster's wail ♪

♪ I'm a rocket's tail... ♪

Here, Jed, shoot me.

If tryin' to make
two people happy

is a crime, then I'm guilty.

Shoot me.

Granny, we've been going
through this for 15 years now.

Why don't you give up?

'Cause at last I found
the right woman for ya.

The one who can make you happy.

You talkin' about
the Widow Poke?

Sweetest little thing that
ever drawed a breath.

Granny, her first husband
was so henpecked,

he molted twice a year.

Are you sayin' that
Clyde and Emma Poke

didn't have a happy marriage?

No. As I recall, the
marriage was real happy.

It was the livin'
together afterwards

that caused all the trouble.

All right, Jed, I can see
the widow ain't welcome.

Connect me with one
of them flophouses.

Jed, I'm callin' one
of them flophouses.

The widow and me
will be leavin' right away.

Better take this
with you, Granny.

You're gonna need it
to stand off them fellas

that's gonna be beatin' on
the widow's door all night.

(muffled yelling)

But, Margaret... But, dear...

(rapid clicking)

Yes, someone's
trying to break in... me.

Yes, I know I said
I'd be home for lunch,

but I'm dining at
the Clampett's.

What if they do eat
from a billiard table?

With their money, I don't
care if they tie on feed bags.

Can I pass you something, Widow?

I reckon not.

No trouble at all with
these handy pot passers.

The whole place is handy, Emma.

No trouble at all
to take care of.

Have you seen this
pretty green tablecloth?

Glued right on to the table.

Land sakes.

Never have to
take it off to wash it.

Just go over it with a
wet rag now and then.

Have you seen this thing?

Keeps the plates from
sliding off the table.

I never seen the like.

That ain't nothin'.

Take a look at
them handy pockets

built right into the table.

I'll be switched.

What they for?

We don't know.

I'm terribly sorry.

I hope you'll excuse me.

That was my wife calling.

How long you been
married, Mr. Drysdale?

20 years.

Oh, ain't that wonderful.

They've had 20
years of happiness.

No, we had 25
years of happiness.

Then we got married.

Reckon many a man
has lost his best friend

by marrying her.

(laughing)

Jed the cut-up. Always funnin'.

I think that's what's
kept him so young.

No doubt.

What's your secret, Widow?

Emma!

Hmm? What?

What's your secret?

Well, if we're a-tellin'...

I reckon my worst one, is...

I hit the jug a little.

Just a nip or two on cold days.

The Widow funs just like Jed.

(nervous chuckle)

I guess that's what's
kept them both so young.

Remarkably youthful.

Uncle Jed and the Widow?

Jethro, it ain't polite to
talk with your mouth full.

Well, my mouth ain't full.

Then fill it.

But I'm done eatin', Granny.

Granny, I reckon
we're all done eatin'.

Oh, then good.

Now while the
table is being cleared

and the dishes washed,
maybe our young couple

would like to go
for a walk or a drive.

We sure would.

Come on, Jethro...
GRANNY: Set down!

I'm talking about
the young couple

at the head of the table.

Well, matter of fact, Widow,

I would like a couple
of words with you alone.

The parlor is empty.

Draw the drapes.

It makes it more cozy.

And have some of
them sour lemon drops.

It gets you all puckered up.

I've been matchmakin'
better than 50 years.

Ain't had a failure yet.

Sit down a minute, Widow.

There's something I
ought to say to you.

I got something I ought
to say to you first, Jed.

What I've got to say
is mighty important.

But I can make mine
quick and merciful.

Jed, I can't marry ya.

Now, what did you want to say?

Come to think of it,
mine ain't so important.

What are you doing setting here?

The parlor's empty.

I'll put on some dancin' music.

I know how you young
folk like to rock your rolls

and jitter your bugs.

Jed, I hope I ain't
broke your heart.

Is there anything I can
do to make it up to you?

Well, yes there is, Widow.

You can help save me from another
15 years of Granny's matchmakin'.

You game?

I sure am.

I've had 20 years of it myself.

Come on, little squirrels.

Come on, little squirrels.

(car horn honking)

Hey, Granny! Hey, Granny!

Granny! Granny!

Uncle Jed and the Widow's back.

Where in tarnation have
they been all this time?

Looks to me like they've
been to the beach.

The beach?! Yes, ma'am.

What in the name of good sense

are you getup for?

Surfin', Granny.

Me and Emma been
making the Malibu scene

along with the other kids.

Kids?

Ain't that a beautiful
board, Granny?

Jed learned me to hang ten.

We really shot the curl today.

Jethro, what they talkin' about?

Well, that there's
surfin' talk, Granny.

Shootin' the curl is
when you come down...

Cool it, Jethro.

Granny just ain't groovy.

Say, chick, let's you
and me go in there

and put on some of them

wailing Johnny Poke sides
and stomp out some watusi.

I dig ya, big daddy.

You're real boss.

We're goin' steady.

Miss Jane, what happened?

Well, Granny, isn't
it just marvelous?

And the credit is yours.

You told them to act their age.

Well, they ain't doin' it.

(rock and roll playing)

♪ I'm a dragster's wail ♪

♪ I'm a rocket's tail... ♪
Hi, Granny.

You want to go grunion
hunting with us tonight?

♪ I'm a bargain sale ♪
No, I don't!

♪ Have a great big helping
of me ♪ Real cube, isn't she?

Granny, ain't Jeddy
just too much?

He plumb turns me on.

How about the drag
races tomorrow, baby?

You bought it, man.

♪ Baby, play it cool ♪

♪ Have a great big helping of
me ♪ Come on, Granny, get with it.

All I want to do
is get out of it.

♪ Surfboard ride to Maui... ♪

Right in here, fellas.

All you can eat...
big ones, too.

♪ I'm my very own favorite. ♪

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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