The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 8 - Teenage Idol - full transcript

An old friend from back in the hills is now an Elvis like singing idol. The Clampetts misunderstand the situation and decide to help Johnny get on his feet.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

(telephone ringing)

Granny, I think I heard
the phone in the kitchen.

Elly'll get it.

Now set still.

This here is the tricky part.

Pa!

Pa, there's a
telephone call for you

all way from Luke Short's
general store back home.

Is Luke on the phone?

No, sir, but the Widow Poke is.

Uh-oh. She'll be wanting to
know if we've seen her boy.

Wish we had good news for her.

That no-account young'un.

I wish he would show up.

I'd hickory stick him good.

Granny, you mean Johnny Poke

that used to play
the guitar and sing?

Don't call what
he done "singing.”

A bullfrog makes the same
noise and you can eat his legs.

Lazy, shiftless no-account.

That's Johnny Poke.

Let his ma work her
fingers to the bone for him

and ain't hardly wrote
to her in two years.

Set down and I'll cut your hair.

Oh, I don't need
a haircut, Granny.

I'll decide when you need
a haircut. Now, set down.

Yes, ma'am.

That's the trouble with
the young'uns today.

You give 'em everything
fine and what do you get for it?

A lot of back talk.

All spoilt rotten,
that's what you are.

Granny!

Widow Poke thinks her boy's
coming in on a train today.

Jethro around?

He's cutting wood.

I'll fetch him.

Get up from there.

You don't need a haircut.

Spoilt rotten! All of you.

That's what you are.

"Gimme, gimme, gimme."

That's all you know.

Boy, Granny sure is in a
tizzy over Johnny Poke.

Yeah, just the mention
of his name sets her off,

and when she's going, she can
build a barn out of a berry box.

(to self): Ain't gonna
be nothing but trouble

with that Johnny
Poke around here.

Jethro'll get to
be just like him.

Them two always was
thick as cold molasses.

First thing you know,

Jethro will quit
writing to his ma.

He'll go to loafing all day.

Scrapping with Elly.

Smart-mouthing his Uncle
Jed and back-sassing me!

Ow!

Sass me, will you!

I'll get you!

Now, Jethro and me will
drive down to the freight yards.

I reckon Johnny'll be riding in
on the rods or a empty boxcar.

You know, Pa, I'll be real glad
to see ol' Johnny Poke again.

Me and him used to have
some dandy rassling matches.

Well, I don't believe I'd
wrestle with him this trip.

He's growed a lot
since them days.

I'll betcha I can
still whup him.

And I'll betcha he'd let you,

but, uh... you're
a young lady now.

I want you to act like
one and look like one.

Go put on a dress.

Well, Johnny wouldn't even
know me with a dress on.

Well, I'll introduce
you. Now scoot.

Hey, Uncle Jed, what is
Granny so steamed up about?

I'll tell you on our way down
to the freight yards. Come on.

Let me tell you what happened.

I was outside chopping
wood to beat the band,

and I bent over to pick up

the last stick of
wood just like this...

Ow!

Write your ma!

I write Ma one a week.

Then write her twice a week.

That's a good idea.
Come on, let's go.

Heck fire, Uncle Jed,

I ain't got that
much to tell her.

Ow!

You quit smart-mouthing
your Uncle Jed.

I ain't smart-mouthing
Uncle Jed.

Now he's sassing me.

See what that
Johnny Poke has done

and he ain't even here yet.

Is Johnny Poke coming here?

He ain't if we don't get
outta here. Come on, let's go.

I ain't done talking to him yet.

Somebody's got
to set him straight.

Well, I ain't done nothing.

He's sassing me again!

Okay, you give Jethro
a good talking to.

I'll wait for him outside.

That's better.

Set down!

When I say set... you set!

Let her blow off a little steam.

I'll see you out front.

I declare, I don't know what

the young'uns of
today are coming to.

Back-talking.
Sassing their elders.

Riding them surfboards
down the freeway.

Going to the beach, having them

bikini roasts.

You set still when
I'm talking to you.

See what I mean?

No respect.

That's today's young'uns.

Back-sassing young whelps.

No more manners
than a hound dog puppy.

I say they oughta
be learnt a lesson.

Showed what kinda
ornery whelps they are.

They oughta be punished.

(sonic boom)

(puppy barking)

Jethro...

Jethro!

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean it.

Ohh... Jethro.

Let's go, Uncle Jed.

What happened
to your shoes, boy?

I had to leave 'em in the
kitchen to get away from Granny.

Hey, did you say we was
going to the freight yard?

Yeah, I reckon Johnny'll
be coming in in a boxcar

along with a bunch
of other hoboes.

If I know Johnny, he'll
have a boxcar all to hisself.

Well, if he don't sing and
play no better than he used to,

you're probably right.

(rock music playing)

♪ I'm a dragster's wail ♪

♪ I'm a rocket's tail ♪

♪ I'm a bargain sale ♪

♪ Have a great
big helping of me ♪

♪ I'm a whale in the pool ♪

♪ I'm the end of school ♪

♪ Baby, play it cool... ♪

There you go, kid.

Thank you, Johnny.

You're the greatest.

Ain't that the truth.

Keep the line moving.

My mother and I got on
the train in Salt Lake City,

but it's taken all this time
to get back here to your car.

Crazy.

Keep the line moving.

I'm president of
your Omaha fan club.

Like, wow.

We took up a collection

so I could come out and see
you at the Hollywood Bowl.

You got a ticket?

No! Not yet!

Here you go.

Oh, Johnny!

That'll be five bucks.

All right girls, the train's
coming into Los Angeles.

Everybody out.

(wailing): Oh, no!

Now, you can see Johnny
at the Hollywood Bowl.

Now come on, back
to your own cars.

Your parents are
probably looking for you.

Keep buying my
records, you hear?

And them Johnny Poke guitars,
and Johnny Poke sweatshirts

and Johnny Poke charm bracelets

and anything else
got my name on it.

Okay, Johnny, time to
get into the old clothes.

Oh, man, I don't wanna
do that freight yard bit again.

Listen, you got 10,000
screaming teenagers

waiting for you
at the L.A. station.

Well, let 'em have a thrill.

I kinda like them
girls grabbing at me.

Heh, heh, I'll bet,

but I've got a
contract to deliver you

to the Hollywood
Bowl in one piece.

Now, you do as I tell you.

Just a minute, Mr. Manager.

You are talking to Johnny Poke,

the greatest singer ever
to come outta the hills.

Listen, you gully-jumper.

You take away your echo chamber,

the guy who plays
the guitar for you,

the ten-piece band,

a quarter of a million
dollars worth of publicity

and my brains

and you'll be back in the hills
where I found you calling hogs.

Now, get into those clothes.

You're getting off at the
freight yard as always.

GRANNY: You ain't hardly
touched any of your vittles, Jethro.

And I cooked all of
your favorites for you.

How about a nice slab
of this juicy smoked ham?

Don't look at me like that, boy.

I'm sorry I throwed
a spell on you,

but I'm trying to
make it up to you.

Jethro... how about
the huckleberry pie?

You always liked
huckleberry pie.

Remember how it used to rile me

when you'd dump sugar on it?

I'll do it for you.

Shame on you, you naughty puppy.

Put your cousin down!

Cousin?

Never mind.

Granny, you never liked
a puppy in your kitchen.

Don't call him a puppy!

It was me calling him one
that started all this mess.

What mess?

Do as I say, child.

Don't push me and don't rile me.

My powers today
are something fearful.

Granny, don't you want me

to take the little
critter back to his ma?

No, no, no, no.

I don't want Pearl to
see him looking like this.

Pearl? You talking
about Aunt Pearl?

Never mind, now, child.

Run along and leave
this boy to poor ol' Granny.

I've got a humdinger
of a spell to break.

Okay, we're getting
ready to stop.

Now, there'll be a convertible

with the keys in it

parked over at the
yard master's shack.

I'll see you at the hotel.

Okay.

Man, these threads
bring me down.

They remind me of home.

Leave that here!

And no stops on
the way to the hotel.

JETHRO: Oooh-eee!

Finding Johnny in there

is gonna be like looking
for a needle in a haystack.

What we got to
do is listen for him.

When we hear what
sounds like a bee-stung steer

caught in a barbwire
fence, that'll be Johnny.

Hey, Uncle Jed!

Uncle Jed! They's a
tramp in this boxcar.

That's me, boy.

I'm sorry.

Hey. Yonder comes a boy
that looks a heap like Johnny.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's him!

Hey, Johnny!

Johnny Poke!

It's me, Jethro! And Uncle Jed!

Jethro!

How are you, Johnny?

And Mr. Clampett.

Howdy, boy.

Did you fellas just get here?

Yeah, just a few minutes ago.

Man, it's a long ride out here

in one of these things.

Yeah, it ain't the
best way to travel,

but, when your pockets is empty,

that's a good place
to put your pride.

Yeah, I know whatcha mean.

Well, how do you like
that manager of mine?

I'm making $30,000 a week,
traveling in a private car,

and he lets me get off the train
without a dime in my pocket.

You don't have to put
on airs with us, Johnny.

We's your friends.
We's home folks.

Yeah, we don't
care if you's busted.

Busted? Man, I'm rich!

Oh, you think these
are my clothes.

No, no. I just wear these
to get away from the girls.

I got 50 suits
onboard that train!

I got suits made out
of gold! Out of silver!

Alligator. Snakeskin.
You name it, I got it.

What train is that, Johnny?

You mean this one?

No, man. That big
silver streamliner.

The Johnny Poke Special.

Well, it's gone now.
It just pulled out.

Along with your 50 suits, huh?

Johnny, I think
you're running a fever.

He'll be all right quick
as he gets his belly full

of Granny's grits
and jowls. Come on.

Grits and jowls?

Man, I don't eat nothing
but steaks that thick!

I got a special cook travels
with me everyplace I go.

Is he on that silver train that
run off with your silver suits?

Yeah. You see, I couldn't
ride into the Los Angeles station

'cause there's 10,000
girls there waiting for me!

And they are all crazy about me!

Uh-huh.

Well, come on, Johnny.

Come on where? Home with us.

Listen! Wait a minute.

Climb right up
on the truck, boy.

Are you kidding?

There's a whole
floor reserved for me

at the best hotel in town!

And there's a big convertible

waiting for me around
here someplace.

Yeah. It's probably on
that silver train. Come on.

Will you listen to me?!

I believe I'd keep my
head covered, boy.

That hot sun ain't doing
you a bit of good! Come on.

There it is! That's my car!

Sit down, boy! Keep that hat on!

Now, don't you worry, Jethro.

I've done whomped up some

of my most powerful
spell-bustin' powder.

I'll have you back
to a boy in no time.

Magic powder white as snow,

bring back the
one that I love so.

Eye of a newt, tail of a toad,

bust up the spell
that I done throwed!

Jethro, I've done
everything I can.

I've got to call on a
higher power for help.

Don't you worry.

Everything's going to be fine.

I know I don't deserve it...

I've been ornery
and short-tempered...

But if you turn that puppy
dog back into Jethro,

I'll mend my ways.

I'll be kind and gentle.

And I won't do no complaining.

You must have
got into the flour.

I'd best get you out of here

before Granny sees
the mess you made!

And I won't drink none
of my rheumatiz medicine

without I got a
honest-to-goodness twinge.

And I won't scrap
with Miss Drysdale.

Thank you.

That ain't him, but it's a
step in the right direction.

What's your hurry, boy?

These sneakers
is too little on me.

I got to go get my boots on.

Come on, Johnny.

I told you, I
ain't stayin' here.

I'm going to the hotel
and have me a party.

Now, I promised your ma I'd
find you and look out for you.

First thing you need is
some good, hot vittles.

First thing I need
is a good, stiff belt.

Well, if that's what
it's going to take,

might just do you
some good at that.

I'm staying! I'm staying!

Don't you remember Jethro?

A tall boy about so high.

Lots of thick black
hair, real handsome,

and the nicest young'un
you'd ever want to meet,

if you ain't already.

Please, fetch him
back and take me.

(Granny screams)

You're back! You're back!

Oh!

Oh, thank you! Oh!

Oh, about taking me...

I ain't in no
hurry if you ain't.

Oh, Jethro, you're back!

(phone rings)

Hello! Johnny.

I told you to come
straight to the hotel!

Where are you?

You ain't going to
believe this, Eddie,

but I don't know where I am.

Now, you listen to
me, Johnny Poke!

You get over to this
hotel and sober up!

I ain't touched a drop.

And I'll be there
quick as I can make it.

I sure got no reason
to hang around here.

Hi, there, Johnny. Remember me?

I'm Elly May.

We used to rassle
when we was little.

I hear a girl's voice!
That means trouble!

You've got a show to do
tonight! Now, get over here!

Cool it, Eddie. I'll
see you at the Bowl.

So you're little Elly.

Yep. Granny says to tell you

the vittles will
be ready directly.

Crazy!

My pa says,

first, you've got to
write a letter to your ma.

Well, I'd rather wrestle.

Pa says I ain't supposed
to do that no more.

Here's everything you need.

Honey, I don't write so good.

Oh. Well, I'll write it for you.

Tell me what to say.

Oh, baby!

To your ma?

Mmm! Ain't that heavenly?

Oh, and speaking of that,

I still ain't in no
hurry if you ain't.

And I've mended my
ornery ways like I promised.

Granny, I know how you
feel about Johnny Poke,

but I hope you don't go
to whomping him right off.

What?

I grant you he needs it.

That boy tramples on the truth
worse than he did back home.

He was such a liar then

he used to have to
get somebody else

to call his dog for him.

Are you talking about sweet,

lovable, hard-working
Johnny Poke?

No. I'm talking about lazy,
good-for-nothing Johnny Poke.

That boy used to lay
around the cabin so much

his ma had to dust him.

He said it. I didn't.

Who you talking to?

Uh... Nobody.

Jed, can't you say anything
good about Johnny Poke?

Yes, I can.

Appears like he give up singing.

Even got rid of his guitar.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry? Granny, that
boy used to sing so bad

the tomcats would
throw things at him!

He said it. I didn't.

What are you mumbling about?

The young'uns of today, Jed,

oh, I love them all.

They're so sweet and good
and kind and well-behaved.

Have you got into your
rheumatiz medicine?

No! I took the pledge!

Cross my heart,
I ain't had a drop!

Hey, how soon are
vittles going to be ready?

I'm starved to death!

Mmm!

Jethro!

I declare, you got the
manners of a hound dog puppy.

No, no, no!

He didn't mean it!

Now, Johnny, stop
that nibbling on my ear!

Pa says you can't have vittles
till you get this letter wrote!

Forget about that letter, baby.

Let's have a little action!

Let's Watusi!

Let's what?

Watusi. Well, how
about the Frug?

Swim?

Oh, yeah. We got a
cement pond out back.

Baby, how can you look
so round and be so square?

I don't know what you're
talking about, Johnny.

Forget about it, honey.

I don't dig those new jumping
around steps too much myself.

Give me the good old days,

when we used to
hang on to one another.

Remember this?

I sure do!

Elly, I told you you
can't rassle no more!

Heck I can't!

I whupped him
quicker than I used to!

This ain't ladylike.

Well, he started it!

Oh, he did, did he?

Yes, sir. He says,
"Let's have a little action."

Well, we might just do that.

Hey, man, how long
I gotta split wood?

Until you earn this ten dollars

to send back home to your ma.

Listen, Mr. Clampett.

You get me to my hotel,

and I'll send Ma $10,000.

Your ma would rather
have ten of these

than ten million of
them dream dollars

you keep talking about.

Man, I use those
to light cigars.

I'm worth a million dollars.

I got six gold records!

Four secretaries do nothing
but answer my fan mail.

There's Johnny
Poke record players,

Johnny Poke guitars,
Johnny Poke picture books!

All on that silver
train, huh, boy?

Johnny... Now, hold on, Granny!

Ain't going to whomp him
with my guitar, are you?

Why, I ain't going to
whomp that sweet young'un.

I want to hear
him play and sing.

You what?

That ought to buy
me a few extra days.

Well, you been bragging a lot.

You show us something,

you won't have to
chop no more wood.

Here. You can keep this.

Man, you're on!

Now, this here's the song
that made me famous.

(guitar out of tune)

♪ Well, I'm a dragster's wail ♪

♪ And I'm a rocket's tail ♪

♪ And I'm a bargain sale ♪

♪ Have a great
big helping of me ♪

♪ Well, I'm a wailing fool ♪

♪ I'm at the end of school... ♪

You didn't hear me
at my best, Granny.

I thought you was fine, Johnny.

Well, I didn't have no
microphone out there,

and I didn't have
no electric guitar.

You was just dandy.

You ought to hear me
with a echo chamber

and a great big band
and chorus backing me up.

I'd flip you! I'm so
good, I flip myself!

I'll take your
word for it, Johnny.

You ought to see the way
the girls fight one another

just to get close to
me. Thousands of them

screaming, "We want
Johnny! Johnny's the king!"

When I commence
singing, they swoon with joy.

And then, when I'm done singing,

they trample one another
to get my autograph.

I have to fight my way
through a solid wall of girls

to get to my limousine.

Yeah, Granny, I'm the greatest!

Give me that, you
young whippersnapper!

Now, you set down!

I'm going to tell
you a few things.

Sorry, Granny. I got
to get to the Bowl.

When I say set, you set!

Back-sassing young scalawag!

Now, there's one
that wants punishing!

Ain't got the
manners of a varmint!

(pop)

Johnny! Johnny! Come back!

Johnny!

If you're going to take
me, now's the time.

I'll never be able to
face the Widow Poke!

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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