The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 4 - Hedda Hopper's Hollywood - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Ladies and gentlemen, this
is Bill Baldwin speaking to you

from our news helicopter.

We're about to fly directly over

the fabulous Beverly Hills
estate of Mr. Jed Clampett.

There's the beautiful front lawn

which the Clampetts
almost plowed up

and planted in crops.

There's the tree
that Elly May climbs.

And right down there someplace
is where Granny hides her still.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

that magnificent
mansion is occupied

by one of the strangest
families of millionaires

ever to migrate
to Beverly Hills.

No wonder people call
them "The Beverly Hillbillies."

Now coming into view on
your left is the tennis court

which Mr. Clampett
converted into a stock pen

and filled with cows
and goats and chickens.

Yes, for two years,

Mr. Clampett has been
the center of controversy

in Beverly Hills.

Now it appears he has
become a center of controversy

in nearby Hollywood
where, through his banker,

he's obtained control
of Mammoth Pictures,

one of the pioneer
movie studios.

Now, Mr. Clampett finds himself
torn between those who wish

to preserve this historic
motion picture landmark

and those who
wish to tear it down,

namely his banker,
Mr. Milburn Drysdale.

Mammoth Pictures is
losing money and it's tying up

a valuable parcel
of real estate.

I say let's bulldoze it
and build Clampett City.

And now speaking from
her office in Hollywood

is someone who opposes
Mr. Drysdale's views,

the famous columnist,
Miss Hedda Hopper.

I have not met this Eastern
financier Mr. J.D. Clampett,

but I would like to say to him
that Mammoth Pictures is more

than just a valuable
piece of real estate.

It's a priceless chapter
of Hollywood history

written by stars

whom the world will
never, never forget.

I intend to seek him
out and do my best

to convince him that a
studio so rich in memories

should and must be preserved.

Thank you, Miss
Hopper, and good luck.

I say good luck because our
news staff has been unable

to locate Mr. Clampett.

He and his family
have dropped from sight

just when the fate of the
studio hangs on his decision,

particularly the Western set
located here on the back lot.

It is here that Drysdale
has announced

that he will begin construction.

Now, will this movie
set be replaced

by 40-story skyscrapers?

Only Mr. Clampett can
answer that question,

and he has disappeared.

And on that note of mystery,

we return you
now to our studios.

This is Bill Baldwin
in News Copter One.

What is it, Jed?

That there whirlybird.

Yonder he goes.

Do you reckon
he'll come back here

and settle down
in Clampett City?

I don't even think
this is Clampett City.

Well, it must be, Jethro.

This is where Mr. Drysdale said

he was gonna
commence building it.

Well, he stopped pret
near before he commenced.

Our general store's the only one

that's got any insides,
and we done that.

Well, maybe that's the way
they build towns hereabouts.

Mr. Drysdale said,
"Around Hollywood,

all you gotta do is
put up a big front."

He said something else, too.

He said over a thousand
people a day was moving

into this part of Californy.

How come nobody's
moving along our road?

I been wondering that myself.

Now, we know that
the studio is up that way.

But we don't know where
the road leads to thataway.

I do. It leads to
a big high fence.

Fence? What?!

Yeah. There's a gate that
goes clean across the road

with four or five padlocks on it

and a sign that says,

"Keep out. No trespassing."

How come you didn't
tell us about this before?!

Hold on, hold on, Granny.

Maybe the boy had a good reason.

Did you have a good reason
for not telling us, Jethro?

Yes, sir.

You see? All
right, let's hear it.

I forgot.

Go to it, Granny.

I'm on the Western street
out at Mammoth Pictures.

I got a tip I'd find
J.D. Clampett here.

But so far, the
place looks deserted.

I'll make another run and
call you back. Good-bye.

Granny, come quick!

Granny, Pa and
Jethro must have gotten

them locks off the gate.

Yonder comes our first car.

Praise be! Settlers at last.

Is it a big family?

Well, it appears
like just one woman.

Yeah, but she's
looking for a man.

Well, how'd ya know?

That's a courtin' hat
if I ever seen one.

Yeah, just like Aunt
Pearl used to wear.

Yep.

GRANNY: Howdy!

Welcome to town.

Elly, run, draw off some cider.

I'm Granny.

I'm Hedda Hopper.

I'm looking for a man,

and I was told
I'd find him here.

And you will, you will.

We'll help ya.

Now, would you
like a nice dirt farmer,

a storekeeper, a
butcher or a baker?

No, I happen to be
looking for a millionaire.

Millionaire? Well, honey,

you better lower
your sights a little.

What?

Well, at your age, if
you can't get cream,

don't turn down milk.

I'm afraid I've come to the
wrong place. Thank you.

Oh, come on now.

I'm sorry I ruffled
your feathers.

Come in and have
a glass of cider.

We'll help you find a man.

The only man I'm
interested in finding

is Mr. J.D. Clampett.

Oh... so he's the millionaire

you got your
courtin' hat set for.

My what?

Your courtin' hat.

Don't tell me you wear a
window box like that every day.

I do and I have for 30 years.

Mr. Clampett? Mr. Clampett?

30 years she's been trying.

Lord love her.

Jed? Jed!

Whose car, Granny?

Some high-falutin'
husband hunter

by the name of Hedda Hopper.

Husband hunter, huh?

That ought to put
some life in the town.

Hold on, Jed.

You're the husband
she's a-huntin'.

Me?

Spoke for you by name.

Said she wouldn't settle

for nothing less
than a millionaire.

Come on, Jethro.
Let's get out of here.

ELLY MAY: Well,
that's my pa right there.

Howdy, ma'am.

You are J.D. Clampett?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, I'd never take
you for a millionaire.

Well, take him or leave him,

he's the only one in town.

Now, Granny.

I simply meant I
would never pick him

to be the owner of this studio.

Well, nobody picked
you to pick him.

And how come you to
be so all-fired choicy?

You're a 30-year loser yourself.

Mr. Clampett, is there
someplace we can go

where we can be alone?

Ma'am, you don't want
to be alone with me.

Oh, I do. I must talk to you.

Let's take my car
and go for a drive.

I'll show you Hollywood.

We'll share its
history and romance.

Now, ma'am, if it's
a drive you want,

let's go in my car.

Jethro will be along
to do the driving.

I mean, that'd leave us free
for talking and sightseeing.

Here, Jethro, help
Miss Hopper to hop on.

Come on, Miss Hopper.

Here you go. (grunting)

(gasping) Oh! Oh...

JED: You can see
dandy from up there.

Can we get to Hollywood in this?

You betcha we can.

Jethro knows a shortcut.

Let 'er rip, boy.

Yee-ha!

She sure is a-hanging
on to her courtin' hat.

A lot of good it'll do her.

She won't get no
courti" done on that ride.

Especially with Jethro
taking his shortcut.

That poor city woman
won't know which to save,

her hat or her hide.

JED: Hang on, Miss Hopper!

The road takes
a little dip here.

(Hopper yelling)

Well, here we are, Miss Hopper.

Safe and sound.

Yes, if you don't mind, I'd
like a moment to verify that.

(quietly): Hey, Uncle
Jed, that sign says

this here is a Chinese theater.

You don't reckon she's fixin'

to show us a Chinese movie?

I sure hope not.

I know it's kind of late to
be telling you, Miss Hopper,

but me and Jethro
don't speak Chinese.

Only the architecture
is Chinese.

This is one of the famous
Hollywood landmarks

I was telling you about.

Oh, I see.

Now, Mr. Clampett, I want you

to walk up there
into that forecourt

and look at those
footprints in the cement,

and then what I have to say
will mean so much more to you.

All right. Come on, Jethro.

Oh, ain't you
coming, Miss Hopper?

No, I'll just sit here
and catch my breath.

All right.

And hope that Louella Parsons

doesn't drive by and see me.

Well, I wish you'd look at this.

JED: Somebody has
sure gone and messed up

this poor man's cement.

JETHRO: Looks like there
was a whole bunch of them.

Bold rascals, too.

Wasn't enough for 'em to go
tromping through it with their feet,

they had to stick
their hands in it, too,

and write their names.

Uncle Jed, it was movie
stars that done this.

No... Yeah, looky here.

Well, I'll be doggone.

"Good luck, Sid.
Douglas Fairbanks."

Hey, who you reckon Sid is?

Don't know.

Hey, and looky there.
Looky right there.

Mary Pickford.

Well, I can't believe it.

Mary Pickford.

Clara Bow, yeah.
She's a little cutup.

Frisky as a kitten.
But sweet little Mary?

Hey, Uncle Jed,
come here. Look at this.

Come here. Right there.

Tom Mix.

Well, even his horse
stuck his foot in the cement.

Ol' Tom must've
dropped his gun in it, too.

There's Norma Talmadge.

Gloria Swanson.

Bill Hart was in on it, too.

And there's some woman

by the name of Betty Grable.

Stuck her whole leg in it.

Uncle Jed, how do you
figure this happened?

Well, the way I got it figured,
they was having one of them

what they call
"Hollywood premieres",

where all the
stars get together.

And they seen this sign
"Wet cement. Keep off."

Well, and somebody
made the mistake of daring

Doug Fairbanks
to stick his foot in it.

Yeah?

Well, you know Doug Fairbanks.

He never takes a
dare from nobody.

That's for sure.

And he likely dared
Bill Hart and Tom Mix.

And you know them,
they's as spunky as he is.

Yeah.

Well, then everybody
got to daring

and double-dog
daring everybody else,

and the first thing you know,

they was all going
to it hand and foot.

Even sweet little Mary Pickford.

Well, Uncle Jed, who
could that fella Sid be?

I mean, every one of these
stars wrote "To Sid" or "Hi, Sid"

or something like that.

The way I got it figured,
he must have been the fella

that throwed the first dare.

Well, Miss Hopper, that
sure is a sight to see.

Oh, I'm glad it impressed
you, Mr. Clampett,

because many of those
people were your stars.

Mine? Do you want
those famous stars

to be remembered

only by their footprints
in that cement?

Oh, no, ma'am, I don't.

Then get busy, man. Get busy.

It's your responsibility.
Good-bye.

Hey, wait a minute, Miss Hopper.

I'll drive you back to your car.

No, my office is
just down there.

I'll send for my car. Bye.

Bye.

Well, Jethro, you
heard what she said.

It was my stars done that.

Yes, sir. And it's
your responsibility.

Well, I reckon there's
only one thing for me to do.

I got to mix up a
batch of cement

and smooth out
that mess. Come on.

DRYSDALE: That's
Hedda Hopper's car.

She's in there right now
trying to influence Jed Clampett.

Well, by golly, I'm
not gonna tolerate

her interference for
one second longer.

She's coming between
my bank and millions,

and she's gonna get clobbered.

Miss Hopper?

Miss Hopper, are you here?

No, Miss Hopper ain't here.

And a good thing for her, too.

Say, just who is she, anyway?

She's a troublemaker.

She's a very famous
woman, Granny.

She's in hundreds of newspapers.

Land sakes, what did
she do, rob a bank?

Yes, mine.

Miss Hopper writes for
the newspapers, Granny.

All about movie stars.

Do tell. Do you reckon

she knows 'em well
enough to talk to 'em?

Oh, indeed, she does.

You reckon she'd
talk to one of 'em

about making a
movie for Jed's studio?

Oh, I'm sure of it. Who is it?

Lillian Gish.

I'll never forget that picture

that she was in where
she was a orphan,

and her old granny was sick,

and John Barrymore was
gonna foreclose the mortgage!

And then old Bill Hart
came a-riding in to save 'em!

But Nita Naldi vamped him.

And it took Rudolph Valentino

to save the whole kit
and caboodle of 'em!

Granny, I'm afraid your
memory's a bit faulty.

Those stars never
appeared together.

They didn't? No.

Well, then it's
high time they did.

You have Miss
Hopper talk to 'em.

Granny, I'm afraid
that's impossible.

You see, most of those stars
don't make movies anymore.

Bill Hart don't make
movies no more?

John Barrymore?

Nita Naldi?

Rudolph Valentino?

Well, if that don't take
the fat off of the hog.

Jed buys a movie studio

just when everybody
stopped making movies.

(crowd chatter)

Hey, Uncle Jed, this is
all the cement we got left.

That's just about enough to
take care of Mary Pickford.

You want me to run
home and mix another tub?

Better mix a couple
of tubs, Jethro.

I still got a whole slew
of movie stars to fill in:

Talmadge, Tom
Mix, Gloria Swanson.

Yes, sir, I'll
fetch back plenty.

Hey, you want me to
make up a sign saying,

"Wet cement. Keep off"?

No, don't do that.

That's what got these
Hollywood cutups

to going in the first place.

(crowd murmuring)

JED: Folks, would you
mind to step back a little?

You're standing
right on Mary Pickford.

Thank you. Much obliged.

Mary, you little rascal,
if Granny ever seen this,

she'd take you across her knee.

Be kind of careful, would
you, Mr. Policeman?

We've had a lot of trouble

with folks tracking up
wet cement around here.

You know whose footprints
you're covering up?

Do you?

Yeah. It's Mary Pickford.

Well, now, go
kind of easy on her,

won't you, Mr. Policeman?

I think she just got caught up

in a game of
"follow the leader."

I'll have it right as
rain in no time at all.

You will?

You give me another hour
and there won't be a footprint

in this whole place,
and that's a promise.

Excuse me. Don't go away.

Who is it?

Another one of those characters
from the Hollywood Hills.

All that bulldozing up there
is really flushing them out.

You think we should run him in?

I'll do that.

You get a hose and
wash out these footprints

before the cement
starts to set up.

Right.

Well, that's all I can do till
I get some more cement.

Oh, well, in that case,

why don't you come down
to headquarters with me?

What for?

Oh, there's some
people there who'd like

to talk to you and take your
picture and your fingerprints.

Well, thank you, but it
ain't me that deserves

the credit for this.
It's Hedda Hopper.

Hedda Hopper?

Yeah, she brung me
here and give me the idea.

Really? Well, in that
case, we'll stop by

and pick up Miss Hopper, too.

Well, good, 'cause I want
her to have the praise.

Oh, we'll see that she gets it.

Careful of the
wet cement, folks.

Thank you, Miss Hopper.

I'll leave him in your custody.

HOPPER: Good-bye, Officer.

I think I see what you
mean now, Miss Hopper.

It's up to me to make
the kind of pictures

that these folks used to make.

Well, that's it exactly.

Great pictures with great stars.

Bring back those days

when Mammoth was
the pride of Hollywood.

Did Bill Hart make
pictures there?

Right on the very street where
Mr. Drysdale wants to bulldoze.

He used to hitch his horse

where your general store is now.

Well, doggies.

Miss Hopper, we're
gonna do what you say:

make great pictures
with great stars.

Oh, bless you, Mr. Clampett!

Well, I'm afraid that'll
have to wait, ma'am.

I got work to do.

That's what I thought, Jed,

but Bill Hart don't
make movies no more.

He don't?

Nor John Barrymore,
nor Nita Naldi,

nor Rudolph Valentino.

None of them big movie stars.

Hmm. Gonna be
harder than I figured

to make them great pictures.

But I give my word
to Miss Hopper,

so one way or another
it's got to be done.

Bill Baldwin in our news copter
again, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, it looks as though
Mr. Drysdale has lost

and Hedda Hopper has won.

Down below us, the Western
street of Mammoth Pictures

is once again the scene
of movie-making activity

as Drydale's bulldozer
stands idly by.

Mammoth has not yet released

the title of the picture
they're shooting,

but it's safe to say
that Miss Hedda Hopper

will be the first to see it.

Oh, yes, Miss Hopper,
the Executive Theater.

Sit down, Miss Hopper.

I hope you're gonna
like our picture.

But this is incredible.

Wasn't it yesterday morning
that we first spoke of this?

Yes, ma'am, but on account
of this being our first movie,

it took us the better part
of a whole day to make it.

Let 'er roll!

♪ ♪

Excuse me.

Where you going, Miss Hopper?

Over to that Western street.

Someday, Hollywood's
gonna thank me for this.

Charge!

(crashing)

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.