The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 5 - Doctor Jed Clampett - full transcript

Jed gets an honorary doctorate when he donates money to the college that Mr. Drysdale attended. Now the family thinks he can now practice medicine, which doesn't sit well with Granny.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Well, there 'tis,
one million dollars.

Dean Emerson, on
behalf of Mr. Clampett.

I am pleased to
present this check

to my old alma mater.

Thank you, Mr. Drysdale.

(clears throat)

And you, Mr. Clampett.

Thank you.

And now the college
has a surprise for you:

an honorary degree.

A what?

Here you are, Mr. Clampett,

Oh, shucks, I
don't want nothing.

Now, now, we insist.

Do I have to wear it?

Couldn't I just put it in a
sack and take it home?

Oh, it's not to take home.

You wear this when
you receive your degree.

Yes, there are 3,000
students waiting

to hear your acceptance speech.

Speech?!

Mr. Clampett isn't much
of a speechmaking dean.

No, couldn't I just say
thanks and let it go at that?

No, indeed.

You have an
inspirational success story

for those young people.

I think just a simple
thank you would be best.

Nonsense! We all want to hear

the inspiring story of how
Mr. Clampett made his fortune.

Well, I could tell
'em that, it's short.

You see, Granny was honing
for some gopher gravy...

I went down to the
slough to shoot one.

But just as I cut loose, that
little varmint skedaddled,

and oil come a-oozin'
out of that slough

just like sorghum out
of a leaky hog trough.

That's how I made my fortune.

Uh, perhaps a simple
"thank you" would be best.

(door opens)

Hey, Granny! Look-a here!

Uncle Jed's got his picture
in the morning paper!

Right on the front page!

GRANNY: Well, I'll be swished.

Ha! That must have
been some party.

Party?!

To get your Uncle Jed
to wear that nightshirt

and put a lampshade on his head.

(cackles)

Well, it's about time he
was having a little fun.

Granny, that there
ain't no funnin' outfit.

That's a graduating-
from-college outfit.

Yeah, Uncle Jed's done
been made a doctor.

A doctor?

Yeah, looky right here...
Says, "Millionaire honored.

ELLY MAY: J.D. Clampett
receives doctor's degree."

And then it goes on to say,

on account of his
service to humanity,

and generosity and, uh,
many other kind deeds,

that there Greely College
done went made him a doctor.

Yeah, and this
here's a certificate

that they give him.

ELLY MAY: "J.D. Clampett...

JETHRO: Doctor of Humanities."

Oh, that means everybody.

Why, them durn fool
crazy mixed-up college kids!

They made a mistake!

Well, what do you mean?

I've been doctoring
over 50 years,

and they give the
certificate to Jed.

But you ain't been
to college, Granny.

And you got to go to
college to be a real doctor.

Yeah, like Pa done yesterday.

He only went to
college for a half hour.

Well, that don't
make no difference.

According to this, he's
a doctor and you ain't.

Yeah, you gonna be a doctor,

you gotta have one of
these here certificates

to hang up on your wall.

Your Uncle Jed don't know
chills from chigger bites.

Now, Granny...

He don't know
warts from weevils!

He don't know the
grip from the pip!

What's all the shoutin'
about down there?!

(sarcastic tone):
Well, yonder he comes,

the college doctor.

The one with the
fancy piece of paper

that says he knows everything.

How do you cure the vapors?

What do you do for quinsy?

How do you poultice a risin'?

Don't ask me, Granny.

You're the one
knows all that stuff.

Oh, do you hear that?

He wants me to do
his doctorin' for him.

Well, I ain't a-gonna do it.

You got the name,
now you play the game.

What are you talking about?

About you sneaking
off to college

and being made a doctor.

I didn't get made no doctor.

Well, it says right here

in the morning paper you did.

Hmm, I just went down
there to give 'em some money.

Then how come you
took the certificate?

I thought they was
handing me a receipt.

Does this look like a receipt?

Well, I'll be doggone.

Hey, Uncle Jed, when I
wanted to be a brain surgeon,

everybody said that I had
to go to college eight years

to be a doctor.

Well, that's what I heard.

But I reckon it's like
the old sayin' goes:

"Nothing greases
a chute like money."

Well, Mr. College Doctor,

ain't ya gonna hang up your
fancy certificate on the wall

and commence heali" sick folks?

Of course not.

Then why are you
all duded up like this?

Goin' over to my movie studio.

Is somebody aili" over there?

Granny, stop that kind of talk.

You know I ain't no doctor.

It says so in the paper.

I know you ain't
gonna take that serious.

Granny, you're the
doctor in this family.

You always have
been, you always will be.

(knocking at door)

Dr. Clampett, I presume?

Good morning, Doctor.

Well, Granny, how's
it make you feel

when you hear your
son-in-law called "Doctor"?

Makes you swell up
with pride, doesn't it?

Uh, Mr. Drysdale, could we have

this certificate made out
to Granny instead of me?

You're joking.

No, she deserves it
a lot more than I do.

But you're the one who
gave the money to the college.

Yeah, but...

I don't need your
charity, Jed Clampett.

You can keep your
old doctor certificate.

Uh, Mr. Drysdale,
if we can't have

this one made over to Granny,

could we get her one of her own?

Well, I'm afraid...

Well, you see, a doctor's degree

is very rarely bestowed.

It took a cool million for th...

In Granny's case,
I-I doubt seriously if...

JED: Where you going, Granny?

Going with Jethro. Come on, boy.

JED: Where's Jethro going?

He's going with me!

Get that truck moving, boy.

Where we going, Granny?

To that Greedy College.

I think it's "Greely."

I think it's greedy!

And as long as it
is, I'm gonna buy me

one of them half-hour
doctor certificates.

Granny, how about buying me one

to be a brain surgeon?

I'll price 'em.

And now, coming up on
your right in a few moments,

will be the home
of Mr. J.D. Clampett,

the man who owns
Mammoth Pictures Studios,

and then we're going...

He owns a movie studio?

That's right. And then...

Well, can't we
stop for a moment?

Maybe we'll see him.

Well, I can pull up at the gate.

He might be out in the yard.

Now, dear, if we
should see Mr. Clampett,

you know what to do.

Oh, thank goodness we
brought your tap shoes.

Watch me for tempo
and remember the signals.

Now, this is a cartwheel
and this is a back flip.

Oh! My baby's gonna be
the new Shirley Temple.

(brakes hiss)

There it is, lady.

Oh, well, can't we drive in?

Uh, I'm not supposed to.

Oh, please, we just
got to see Mr. Clampett.

Hey, driver, is
that the Clampett

whose picture's in
the morning paper?

Yeah, that's him.

He gave a million
bucks to some college,

and they made him a doctor.

Say, I'd like to get
a look at him myself.

(passengers
murmuring in agreement)

Well, all right, okay.

I'll pull up the drive.

But everybody stay in the bus.

Pa!

Yeah, Elly? Has Granny
and Jethro come back?

No, sir, but they's a
whole bus full of people

coming up the driveway.

What do you reckon they want?

I don't know, unless they seen

your picture in the paper

and want you to doctor 'em.

Well, I hope not.

Morning, folks.

Y'all here to see Dr. Clampett?

Hey, that's you!

Your picture's in the newspaper!

You got to see my little girl!

We'll be right there!

JED: Well, uh, ma'am,

you see, I ain't really a doc...

I can't... I mean...

Open this, open
this door! Let us out!

Take it easy, will
ya, lady, please?

I want him to see my Beverly!

Now open this door!

Gee, I'm sorry about this.

I'll get 'em out of
here right away.

Well, maybe you
best let that woman off.

She's about to bust your door.

Okay, thanks.

He's just standing
here! All right.

My Beverly! He's
got to see my child!

Stand back, please. Stand back.

Come on, Beverly.

It might calm her some

just to let her tell
us her troubles.

Sure hope Granny hurries back.

This is just so wonderful
of you, Mr. Clampett.

Dr. Clampett.

Elly, please.

Ma'am, maybe you'd
like to step inside

where you can sit down and
tell me about your little girl.

Did you hear that, Beverly?

Isn't he a nice man?

Yes, we love you.

Just step inside.

Pa, they don't look like
they's nothing bad wrong

with that little girl.

I hope not, but you never know.

Nervous little thing, ain't she?

Don't you think
she's got something?

Well, uh, I don't
think it's nothing

to get excited about.

Wait.

You haven't seen anything yet.

Please, ma'am, not all the way.

She sure is wearing
fancy underwear.

Folks usually wears
their best when

they come to see the doctor.

Now show 'em what
you've really got, Beverly.

(mother trilling tongue)

Ma'am, uh, please,
ma'am, control yourself.

That little girl's
gonna be all right.

Oh! Beverly, did you hear that?!

Oh, I've taken her everyplace,

and you're the first one that's
shown us any encouragement.

Oh, isn't he a nice man?

Yes, we love you.

We love you, too.

How soon do you
think you can cast her?

Cast her?

Oh, well, that'll
be up to Granny.

She might want to try a
couple other things first

before she puts her in a cast.

Oh, my Beverly's
ready for anything.

Well, you come
back in a couple hours

and Granny'll
probably be here then.

Oh, bless you!

Come along, Beverly.

Oh, ma'am, don't you
want to put her clothes on?

Well, oh, I can
do that on the bus.

I just can't wait
to tell everyone

at the Hollywood Bonneville
Club what you're doing for Beverly.

They all call her
"Little Tappy Toes."

Ain't that cruel, teasing
that poor little young'un

about her nervous feet?

I sure do hope
Granny can help her.

Her ma could use a little
Granny's nerve tonic, too.

Where in blue blazes
could that little woman be?

Wasn't that a
magnificent donation?

One million dollars.

Now we can afford to
pay some decent salaries,

get some real football players.

Now, listen, I want you

to comb that alumni list again.

Let's see if we can't come up

with a few more of
those really big ones.

Are you the goomer

that gives away
doctor certificates?

What?

Yep, it's you.

I'll take one.

Now, wait a minute.

Oh, don't worry about
the chute getting greased.

I got the hog fat right here.

Count that.

I'll call you back.

I think one of the fraternities

is trying to pull a prank on me.

There's $6.12 there, right?

Right.

I'll take my doctor certificate.

For $6.12?

And if there's enough left over,

I'll take one for
brain surgering, too.

(chuckling)

Who brought you
here, uh, Psi Omega?

No. Jethro Bodine.

You call me, Granny?

Hey, you graduated
quicker than Uncle Jed.

And it didn't even
take you a half hour.

Now, look here, young man,

this has gone far enough.

What fraternity are you with?

I ain't with no fraternity.

Then, will you please explain

what this little woman wants?

Well, yes, sir.

She wants folks
to call her a doctor.

And it's high time, too.

Indeed it is.

Get me Dr. Niemeyer
in psychiatry.

ELLY MAY: Pa?

Pa, Granny and
Jethro's a-comin'.

Oh, praise be.

Just in time.

Finish putting the chairs around

for the next
busload of sick folks.

Granny, I'm so glad to see you,

I ain't even gonna ask
you where you been.

I wouldn't tell
you if you did ask.

I'll tell you where we been.

You speak when you're spoke to.

Jethro, park the
truck out of the way.

I been spoke to, Granny.

We been down at the... Ah!

Do as you're told.

Now, get this truck out of here.

You get your certificate
hogging hands

off of me, Dr. Clampett.

Granny, like I told you before,
you're the doctor, not me.

Why, I had to turn away

a whole busload of sick
folks 'cause you wasn't here.

Why didn't you show 'em
your picture in the paper?

Maybe that would've cured 'em.

There was a little girl here

would've tore your heart out.

Poor little thing had a
nervous tic in her foot.

Couldn't stop tapping it.

She had wore out so
many pairs of shoes

her ma had to put
iron plates on them.

She's coming back
and bring some others.

Well, Heaven help
them 'cause I ain't gonna.

Granny, I'll get that
college to make you a doctor

if it takes every cent I got.

They offered to make me one.

Even give me a test. They did?

Asked me the craziest durn
fool questions you ever did hear.

Had me putting pegs in
holes and looking at spilt ink.

But I passed it! Good for you.

That's what I thought

until they put me in
that white doctor's coat.

The crazy durn fool thing

had sleeves that
tied in the back.

That don't make no sense at all.

If Jethro hadn't been
there to rip it off of me,

I'd still be trying
to get out of it.

I have done my last
doctoring, and that's that.

Oh, hi, Granny.

What's this getup
supposed to be?

Why, this here's
a nurse's outfit.

Jethro and me's gonna help Pa

take care of sick folks.

Jethro and you help Jed?

(chuckling)

Why, the three
of you put together

couldn't take a
wart off a dill pickle.

Well, Granny,
Jethro's been watching

them hospital shows on TV,

and he knows all about doctors

and nurses and everything.

(cackles dismissively)

Why, me and him went
over to Pa's movie studio.

We got all the stuff
to make the parlor

into a real doctor's office.

(whistles)

Hey, Jethro!

Nurse, don't you never whistle
and yell, "Hey, Jethro," at me.

You're supposed to
say, "Calling Dr. Bodine,"

like they do on television.

Dr. Bodine!

Yes, ma'am, Granny.

He's Dr. Clampett's
brilliant young assistant.

Him?

Why, he was six years old

before he could feed hisself.

He's so dumb he
thinks a mustard plaster

is something to
put on a hot dog.

Careful, Granny.

Brilliant young assistants
is generally mean and surly.

Nurse, clear this ward.

Get ready for the patients.

Sorry, Granny,
you'll have to leave.

You couldn't pay
me to stay here.

I don't want to be within
ten miles of this place.

Someone comes
in with a broken leg,

that nut will shoot him.

And I don't want
to be here to see it.

I'll go out and
fetch Dr. Clampett.

Ready, Pa?

Has Granny taken the bait yet?

She says she ain't
gonna stay around.

She says she don't want

to see what's gonna happen.

She's taken the bait.

Uh, Dr. Bodine, uh...

Yes, sir, Dr. Clampett?

I believe I told you

about the toe-tappin' young'un.

Yes, sir, I'm
familiar with the case

and prepared to handle it.

Ha!

Nurse, uh, would you
please close that curtain?

Yes, sir.

Now, uh, Dr. Bodine, uh,

supposing something like that

was to happen to our nurse here,

uh, just what would you do?

Well, first off, I'd
check her nerves.

Them's my specialty.

Ha!

I believe we had best
step into my private office.

Uh, Doctor?

After you, Doctor.

Now, then, uh, Dr. Bodine,

uh, I believe you said you

was gonna examine
this girl's nerves.

Yes, sir, Dr. Clampett,

I do believe that is the
procedure indicated.

You may proceed
with the procedure.

JETHRO: Yes, sir.

How do they sound?

This girl has real quiet nerves.

And if they was to
commence acting up?

Well, first thing I'd do

would be to give her a
hypodermic full of X-rays.

Ha!

Doctor, uh, I believe
we'll find it much quieter

working in your operating room.

Yes, sir, Doctor.

Now then, uh,
Dr. Bodine, uh, supposing

that the X-rays don't
quieten her nerves.

Then I'll just have to
yank them rascals out.

Ha!

And if that don't do it?

Then, I'll just have to remove

what they call the
entire skeletal structure.

(door-knocker clanking)

Oh, uh, if that's
that little girl,

you might as well
bring her right on in here

to the operating room and
letting young Dr. Bodine

go right to work on her.

Yes, sir, Dr. Clampett.

Oh, no, wait!

I'll help you, Jed.

I'll save the little girl.

Don't let that
squirrelly TV doctor

get his hands on her.

(door-knocker
clanking) I'm coming.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

(tapping)

(trilling)

Worse case of nervous
flip-flops I ever did see.

(tapping)

Oh, you pretty little darling.

Don't you worry, Granny's here.

Granny's gonna help you.

Oh, thank you, Granny.

Glad to do it.

Come on in here.

No, I better take her
upstairs to my room.

Oh, there's some others outside

from the Hollywood
Vaudeville Club.

May I tell them to come in?

Have 'em come in and wait.

I'll get to 'em as
quick as I can.

Come on in!

Everybody!

(murmuring)

Wow, look at this.

I wonder where we set up...

What a beautiful place this is.

Now, remember, we drew straws,

and I get to audition
my bird imitations first.

What you doing, boy?

Well, this here's the
way them there doctors

wash their hands on television.

Now they's what you
call sterilized clean.

Ready to operate.

Excuse me, Pa.

First patient's
waiting to see you.

Ain't Granny down there yet?

No, sir.

Well, I'll talk to 'em.

Ready to operate, huh?

Well, yes, sir.

Howdy, ma'am.

What seems to be your trouble?

(twittering)

That woman thinks she's a bird.

She ain't far wrong.

What can you do?

Well, I ain't no bird doctor,

but I can give her some
bread crumbs and straw

and make her comfortable.

How's the little girl?

Just fine... But
it took two doses

of nerve tonic to
get her ma to bed.

(chirping) Well, come on.

Give me your wing.

(screeching)

Pitiful, pitiful.

Here's the next one, Pa.

Oh, howdy.

Granny will be right back.

Uh, maybe you'd like
to tell me what ails you.

Sometimes it makes
you feel a lot better

just to talk about it.

Uh-oh.

I can tell you right off

that we got to change
what you're eating.

You'll feel a heap
better right away.

Pa, Pa, come quick!

What's the matter, Elly?

They's a woman
waiting to see Granny,

and she's stripped down
to her fancy underwear.

A growed woman?

Yes, sir.

And it's got her
husband just raging mad.

Uh, don't eat no
more till I get...

don't eat no
more till I get back.

Now, here, here!

Just a minute!

That's his wife he's
throwing them knives at.

Hey, now, hold on, mister.

Let's not have no more of that.

I grant you got
cause to be upset,

but, uh, no more of that.

Your husband's
aim wasn't so bad,

we'd have a awful mess here.

GRANNY: Jed!

Jed!

Jed, Jed!

Worst case of
heartburn I ever did see.

It's what he eats, Granny.

Jethro!

You're supposed to
say, "Calling Dr. Bodine."

Never mind.

Take that man to the kitchen.

Give him some baking
soda and buttermilk.

Be sure and get the
jug with the buttermilk.

You give him some of
Granny's corn squeezings,

and he'll hiccup this
house to a cinder.

Yes, sir.

Pa, Pa, that rascal's
after his wife again.

No!

Yeah, he's fixing
to saw her in two.

Stop it, Jed!

I ain't got that many bandages!

Enough is enough!

Now, don't you worry, ma'am.

Stop that sawing.

Granted, she showed her legs,

but that's no
call to cut 'em off!

Hey, get a load of this!
(Chicken Woman twittering)

(performers clamoring)

DEAN: Come in.

Mr. Dean, could I
see you for a minute?

Mr. Clampett!

What an honor and a pleasure.

Well, thank you.

Mr. Dean, I'm afraid
I'm gonna have

to give you back
this certificate.

Oh? Why?

Well, even Granny
ain't doctor enough

to cure them Hollywood folks.

They is real sick.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.