The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 3 - Clampett City General Store - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Miss Hathaway.

Do you know what I'm
holding in my hands?

Clampett City.

Chief... The new high-rise
development that will make millions

and millions and
millions... But, Chief...

I have warned you before,

never interrupt me when
I am saying that word!

The smartest move I ever made was buying
Mammoth Picture Studios for Jed Clampett.

300 golden acres of
unexploited real estate.

And we'll start right
here on the back lot.

And we'll bulldoze
all of this flat.

Chief... And right here, where
the Western street now stands,

will rise Clampett
City's tallest building...

Drysdale Towers.

Chief... 40 stories
of steel and glass.

Chief, you cannot
destroy that Western street.

Why not? Because Jed
Clampett and his family

are living there!

What do you mean, living there?

This isn't a real
town, it's a movie set.

Nevertheless,
they have moved in.

But the buildings
aren't even completed.

They are completing them.

They can't do that!

We'll lose millions and millions

and millions and millions...

Well, don't stand
there. Interrupt me.

Well, reckon that's it.

How's she look, Elly?

Looks just like Luke Short's
General Store back home.

Well, that'll please Granny.

I tried to copy Luke's place
near as I could recollect.

Pa, is this all right for
the "Big Opening" sign?

Yeah, that's fine.

Jethro can paint that quick as him
and Granny get back with the supplies.

Now sit down here a
minute, I want to talk to you.

About what, Pa?

Oh, about our little town here.

I reckon you've been wondering
why I've been so all-fired anxious

to get folks to commence
moving here and settling down

and trading in
our general store.

Oh, on account 'cause Granny
always wanted a store like this.

Well, that's only
part of it, Elly.

Remember Luke Short's daughters

used to clerk in his
store back home?

I sure do.

They was 12 of them.

Samantha Jane and
Elverna Rose and Pricilla...

Yeah, I remember.

And every one of
them got a husband

'cause they clerked in the
store and boys would come in

and meet them
and get acquainted.

And I'm hoping that'll
happen around here.

Wouldn't that be something

if Granny got herself a husband.

Well, uh, I was
thinking about you, Elly.

Me?

Now, I know we had high
hopes for Beverly Hills,

but them big city
boys turned out to be

a mite standoffish.

They sure did.

Now, these small-town boys

are different,
and more friendly.

You'll get yourself a
husband in no time at all.

I will?

Play your cards right, you will.

Well, what do I do?

Well, first off, you get
yourself into a dress.

Then be your own
sweet, pretty self.

And the first thing you know,
some boy will ask you out.

Well, out where?

Oh, to a church social,
husking bee, something.

Well, then what?

If you play your cards
right, he'll ask you out again,

to a dance or a
moonlight hayride.

Something really romantic.

Well, then what?

Well, uh, you play
your cards right,

the first thing you
know, you're married.

Well, is that
all there is to it?

Elly, I... I reckon I
didn't tell it very good,

but, uh, that card-playing
can be a heap of fun.

(car horn tooting)

Sounds like supplies is coming.

Slow down, Jethro.

You're scaring my chickens.

General Store's
all ready, Granny.

Good, good.

Granny, you figuring
on selling chickens?

No, but I'm figuring
on sellin' eggs.

And I want them
to be strictly fresh.

That's the spirit, Emma.

Now if the rest of you

will all get into
working that fast,

we'll get this
store in business.

Yeah, let's get ready
for the big opening.

You young'uns commence
to toting things in.

Granny, I think
you best have a talk

with Elly about
courting and such.

I thought you was gonna do that.

I tried, but the way I left it,

the first fella
asks for her hand

is liable to end up
holding a fistful of cards.

Now you listen to me, Chapman,

those hillbillies can't live
on that Western street.

Oh, but they can.

Mr. Clampett owns
the studio, remember?

And as long as
they're happy there,

you know what you can
do with your bulldozer.

Yes, I do.

I'll bring it over and start
on this end of the studio.

Sorry... foiled again.

Mr. Clampett says as long
as we're shooting a picture,

we can finish it.

And, Mr. Drysdale, we
have started a picture

that is going to make
Cleopatra look like a quickie.

You're bluffing.

Oh, no.

I'm writing, producing
and directing it personally.

I call it, Spartacus and Ben
Hur Meet Cleopatra and Nero

at the Fall of the Roman Empire.

Cleopatra and Nero meet?

That would have to
cover more than a century.

Yes, and it may take
almost that long to shoot it.

You haven't won yet, Chapman.

I'll see this hotbed
of nepotism flattened

if it's the last thing I ever...

Hotbed of nepotism?!

Are you inferring that I
have relatives on my payroll?

My guess would be 200.

Miss Swenson.

Yes, sir?

How many relatives do I
have on the studio payroll?

223.

See? You're wrong.

Thank you, Miss Swenson.

You're welcome, Uncle Larry.

I'll get you...
I'll get you yet!

I'll think of some way.

Oh, Drysdale, you're
beginning to bore me.

Why don't you just go
back to your mortgage mill

and foreclose on
some poor widow.

I have things to do.

Miss Swenson,
send in my slave girls.

Slave girls!

Aha, so that's it.

I've heard about
you movie fellas.

I'll close down this studio
and see you behind bars.

This is monstrous!

Hollywood
decadence at its worst!

Oh, shameful!

Drysdale, will you please relax.

I'm just checking costumes
for my new picture.

Very nice.

Fine, girls.

Now go back and tell wardrobe
to send me the Roman soldiers.

ALL: Yes, Uncle Larry.

See how you look, boy.

Uncle Jed, this is a
lot of durned nonsense.

No it ain't, Jethro.

Cousin Elly needs the practice,

and so does Granny. Come on.

Morning, Miss Storekeeper.

Well, howdy-do.
Strangers in town?

Just settled in.

Me and my boy here

is gonna farm a few
acres on the edge of town.

Thought we'd lay
in some supplies.

Well, I'll call my
granddaughter.

She does the clerkin'!

Elly May, customers!

Howdy.

Welcome to Clampett City.

Always got a broom in her hand.

Neatest little housekeeper
you ever did see.

Good cook, too.

Make some lucky
boy a dandy wife.

Say something, boy.

What'll I say?

Let me think. Say
something about the broom.

You sweep with that or ride it?

Pa, settlers
coming! Big car, too!

Places, everybody!

Get off of there!

I thought I told you
to unload hog mash.

Any young fellas
coming courting age?

Can't tell yet.

Uncle Jed...

This small-town
living ain't for me.

Can I go over to
your movie studio

and be a movie star?

I reckon so.

First you go to my storeroom
and unload hog mash!

I bet you Burt Lancaster
don't unload hog mash.

Well, then he better not
ask for work around here.

Now get going.

Oh, howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

Say, we sure do
want to thank you

for building us this
dandy little town.

What happened to your
hat? I dropped it outside.

Mr. Clampett, this isn't a town.

Well, it ain't finished yet,

but it won't take long
once folks commence

to moving in and settling down.

Yes, but, Mr...
Are you all alone?

Yes, Granny.

Mr. Clampett...
False alarm, Elly!

Mr. Clampett... Are you
gonna buy something?

No, Granny, I'm just here
to talk to Mr. Clampett.

Well, sit down, sit
down. Thank you.

You're my first customer.

If you don't buy
something, it's unlucky.

All right, Granny, all right.

Mr. Clampett,
you can't live here.

Nobody can live here.

Why not?

Well, because this little town

is going to be cleared away
and all those hills bulldozed flat.

Who says?

That's the plan
for Clampett City.

You'll have 40-story
buildings here.

We like it the way it is.

But you'll make millions.

I got millions.

You'll make more
millions. I don't need them.

Well, surely you want them.

What for? So you'll have them.

I got them. But
you'll make more.

I don't need them.

How's that look on him, Jed?

Pitiful.

Mr. Clampett, don't you
want a city named after you?

Got one.

No, no, no, I mean a real city.

A city of concrete and steel,

towering up into the sky.

We like it the way it is.

But you can't make
any money on this town.

Don't want to. I'd
rather be happy.

And you're happy here?

Everybody 'cept Jethro.
He wants to be a movie star.

He does?

Where is Jethro?

The storeroom out back.

Hold on, hold on.

You want that hat? Yes.

Well, that's a
dollar and a half.

It's really a two-dollar hat,

but I'll make it an
opening day special.

Uh, Jethro.

Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

You know, Mr. Chapman
is making a movie

over at his studio,

and there's a part
absolutely right just for you.

Hot dog! Let's go!

How about my dollar and a half?

Can I go too, Pa?
Afraid not, Elly.

You got to stay here
and meet some boys.

She'll meet more
boys at the studio

than she'll ever meet here.

I'll make it a dollar
and a quarter.

Of course, she'll
be in the movie, too.

I'll make it a dollar.
Oh, please, let's go, Pa.

Well, things has been
kind of quiet around here.

I'll settle for six bits.

Mr. Clampett, there's a great
part in the picture for you, too.

Me? Yes.

All right, take the
hat for 50 cents.

I'm sure they can
use you too, Granny.

Come on, Granny.

Yeah, we'll all
be in the movies.

I ain't leaving here
until Mr. Drysdale

pays me for that hat.

Oh, I'm sorry.

How much was it?

How much you got?

27 cents.

Sold!

Well, now, shall we all go over

and be in Mr. Chapman's picture?

Nope. I better stay
here and mind the store

and make some more money.

I wouldn't worry
about that, Granny.

That two-dollar hat you
just sold him for 27 cents

wholesales to
us for five dollars.

How much profit is that, Jethro?

I'll cipher it for you.

Uh, five... double naught...

Never mind. Let's all go over
to the studio and make movies.

But my picture's
about ancient Rome.

Those hillbillies
can't live in Rome.

Ah, but they can.

Mr. Clampett owns
the studio, remember?

And as long as they
are happy in Rome,

do you know what I'm going
to do with my bulldozer?

Today the Western street,
tomorrow the rest of the studio.

Now wait a minute!

As long as I'm shooting my epic,

you can't touch this part.

Excuse me, sir.

Caesar is here for you
to check his wardrobe.

Oh, good.

Enter mighty Caesar.

All Gaul is at your feet.

Where? I don't see it.

Jethro.

Oh, howdy, Mr. Chapman.

Or as the fella told me
the Romans used to say...

"Hail..." (breastplate clangs)

That sure sets a fella's
knuckles to throbbing.

Jethro, why are you wearing
that and carrying your helmet?

Is that what this is?

I thought it was my mess kit.

Hello, Jethro.

I mean... Caesar.

Hail, Mr. Drysd... (clang)

Ah, that smarts.

I'm just gonna salute
the regular way.

Hail, Mr. Drysd... (clang)

Mr. Chapman...

would you mind if I just waved?

I ain't gonna have
hand enough left

to hold my sword.

Excuse me.

The martyr who gets
thrown to the lion is here.

Come in, miss!

Well, hi there, Mr. Chapman.

I'm ready to get
throwed to the lion.

Elly Mae!

The martyr is supposed
to be dressed in rags.

Well, my Pa took
one look at them,

he said nothing doing.

I'm in the movies
to get me a husband,

I gotta look like I
can afford a dowry.

Elly, you and Jethro are
going to be absolutely great.

I can't wait to hear
you as well as see you.

Mr. Chapman, excuse me.

Cleopatra is ready
for your inspection.

Howdy.

Don't be scared, Mr. Chapman,
it ain't a real snake.

Remember... today the Western
street, tomorrow the studio.

(laughing)

You see that general store,
that says "Big Opening"?

Make one.

JED: Hold! Hold. Hold it.

Mr. Clampett.

Say, that's a dandy
big plow you got.

What are you
figuring to do with it?

Uh, um... plow,

if I can find the right spot.

Well, there's some right fair
acreage on the edge of town.

Well, that's wonderful.
I'll look at it later.

Come in, come in.

Wait in the bulldoz... uh, plow.

When I first seen you
headed for the store,

I thought you might be
gonna plow us under.

I'm surprised to see you here.

I thought you had moved out

to be a Roman centurion
in Mr. Chapman's picture.

Well, I moved right
back when I seen

what a Roman centurion was.

That's a woman cook.

A woman cook?

Yeah. They give me
this flimsy dress to wear...

and this pot lid and
meat cleaver to hold.

No, I'm better off running
a small-town general store.

Well, I'll get you another part.

How would you like to
be a Roman senator?

What do they wear? A toga.

That's a... it's
sort of a long...

Well, never mind.
You wouldn't wear it.

Well, I'll get back and see if I
can speed up The Fall of Rome.

That's, that's the
name of the picture.

CHAPMAN: All right,
everybody quiet down.

We're ready for a take.

Okay, I got the scene all set.

Now, the kid who plays
Caesar won't have any lines.

Good.

In fact, I don't want
him drive up in a chariot.

I won't even let
him say, "Whoa.”

What'll happen?

The scene will open with
that great line I wrote for you.

He'll walk up, stand and
watch you for a moment,

and then walk on.

Okay.

All right, everybody.

Quiet on the set.

This will be a take.

Roll 'em!

Scene eight, take one.

Action!

Friends, Romans, countrymen,

lend me your ears...

and your eyes.

Feast them upon
these pearls of beauty

gathered from the far
corners of the world.

Beautiful flowers, lovely enough

to please even the
mighty Caesar himself.

Hey, you watch who
you're pushing, buster!

Keep rolling; we'll
wild-track that.

Who will buy my beautiful girls?

Who'll give me
a few paltry coins

for these visions of delight?

Hey, I will. Right here! Ladies!

I'll take this one here.

I'll take these right here.

I'll take these two...

Why, heck, I'll take the
whole kit and caboodle of them.

Cut! Cut, cut, cut!

Quick, take a break!

We'll move to the Nero
set in the Coliseum.

Go on!

I don't care how many extras

are sitting out there
on cold marble,

I won't play Nero
to, to her Cleopatra.

Now, look. I guarantee you
she will not appear in the picture.

We'll be on your close-up
for the whole scene.

Then why are we doing all this?

Her son-in-law owns the studio.

Oh.

I mean, you know how it is

with these family
things, Cousin Vinnie.

Well, let's run the scene.

Swell.

Okay, Granny, we're ready!

Howdy!

Howdy.

Oh, Granny, you won't need

the snake for this scene.

I won't? No, no.

All you have to do
is look very exotic.

Like Theda Bara!

That's it. That's it exactly.

You're going to vamp Nero.

(laughing)

All right, let's
slate it and... roll!

MAN: Scene ten, take one.

CHAPMAN: Action!

Cleopatra,

my beautiful, ravishing,
voluptuous queen.

I like him.

Keep rolling;
we'll wild track it.

We will drink a loving
cup, my beloved,

a special nectar that
I have had prepared...

just for us.

You know something?

You ought to lay off the
juice, it's putting weight on you.

CHAPMAN: Keep
rolling; we'll wild track it.

This wine was prepared from
the grapes of my own vineyard,

trampled by the
feet of 40 maidens.

They ought to
took their shoes off.

This wine is pitiful. Pitiful.

Cut!

That stuff's nothing
but colored water.

Let's take a break and set
up for the lion and the martyr.

I don't know what your 40
maidens have been trampling,

but it ain't grapes!

Lunch, everybody! One hour!

(all clamoring)

Giddyap. Ha! Come on, come on!

Yee-ha!

Whoa... whoa, boy. Whoa.

Steady, steady.

Howdy, Uncle Jed!

Hiya, boy.

What happened to the back
end of your fancy buckboard?

Well, this here is
what you call a chariot.

Everybody in Rome drives them.

Standing up?

Yes, sir.

You ought to tell
them about buggies.

I'll do that, but first,

I gotta fetch Granny a
jug of her elderberry wine.

What for? Somebody ailing?

I don't know.

It's for some goomer
name of, um, Nero.

Want to ride back with me?

No, I'll stay here
and mind the store.

I sure hope business picks up.

So far I ain't sold nothing.

Well, Uncle Jed, it's no wonder

folks ain't coming here to buy.

What do you mean?

You ought to see

what they're selling
over the hill in Rome.

Why, man, I mean they got
themselves a real special.

What're they selling?

Girls.

Girls?

Yes, sir. Prettiest
thing you ever did see,

and you can buy half a dozen
for just a handful of change.

Yee-ha!

Yee-ha! Come on,
come on! Yee-ha!

Yee-ha! Giddyap!
Come on! Yee-ha!

And here I sit with
my barrel of apples.

(crowd murmuring)

MAN: Scene 20, take one.

Action!

(trumpet fanfare)

(all cheering)

All right, let the lion out!

(growling)

Follow the lion.

Keep the lion in your lens.

CHAPMAN: That's it. Bring
him right across to the girl.

(lion growling)

That's the idea.

Closer... closer.

Now he's there.

He's got her.

Zoom in. Zoom in.

Never mind. Cut it.

(purring)

How'd you like to come over

and live in the back
room of our general store?

I bet you we wouldn't
have no mice with you there.

All right, let's try the
Nero-Cleopatra wine scene again.

Now look, this is the 12th take.

Let's try to make
this a good one.

Roll 'em.

MAN: Scene ten, take 12.

Go easy on that
elderberry, Nero.

(slurring): I love you.

CHAPMAN: Keep
going; we'll wild track it.

Cleopatra, my
beautiful, ravishing, uh...

voluptuous queen.

Yes, Nero?

Let's get juiced.

Let's get bombed out
of our Roman skulls.

CHAPMAN: Keep
rolling; we'll wild track it.

Come... sit on Nero's lap.

Cut! Cut! Come on, break it up!

Would you please go away?

This lovely little lady and I
are making plans for our future.

Cousin Vinnie, you're fired!

I couldn't care less.

Th-Th-The Queen of Egypt here
has offered me a wonderful job

in her general store.

Huh.

Uh... I'm gonna unload hog mash.

You'd think the Emperor of Rome

could afford good
wine, wouldn't you?

It was nothing
but colored water.

One taste of my
genuine elderberry wine

and the darn fool
proposed to me.

Might not have been
the wine, Granny.

After all, you're
a mighty fine...

Settlers coming!

Places everybody!

Now, hold on there, Elly.

It might be that Nero fella
coming to court Granny.

Aww... It might.

Well, won't do no
harm to be ready.

(lion roaring)

Sandling...

I wonder what
they're all running for.

(roars)

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.