The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 2 - Clampett City - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Come on, Jethro!
Let's get going!

Jed Clampett,
where are you going

on Wednesday morning

dressed up like Saturday night?

To Hollywood, to that
moving picture studio

Mr. Drysdale bought for me.

What you gonna do over there?

Make pictures, I reckon.

Seeing as how I own the place,

the least I can do
is give 'em a hand.

It ain't hands they need
over there in Hollywood.

It's heads. Tetched,

the whole kit and
caboodle of them.

Granny, I got to admit
them movie folks do act

like they's a few
straws shy of a bale.

Their thinkers are puny.

Why, the sun was shining
bright as you please outside.

Where do you think they were
making and shooting pictures?

Inside, with the lights on.

Yeah, I did think that
was a mite wasteful.

But what got me was the way
they kept dragging stuff indoor

to make the indoors
look like outdoors,

when they could
have stayed outdoors

instead of coming
indoors in the first place.

Jethro!

If you take my advice,

you'll forget the
whole crazy business.

Well, now, Granny, Mr. Drysdale
must be counting on me

to make movies.

Why else would he
buy me a movie studio?

It's a real estate investment.

A real estate investment?

A movie studio?

Of course.

It's the land that's valuable.

Now look what 20th Century
Fox did with just a part

of their lot: Century City.

You mean, you'd do
that with Mammoth?

Why not? I'll call
it "Clampett City."

In fact, I've got architects
working on the plans right now.

But Chief, that studio's
been a Hollywood landmark.

Why, movie history's been
made there for 50 years.

That's long enough. Now
let's make some money there.

And this project
will make millions.

Millions, millions. But Chief...

Never interrupt me

when I'm saying that word!

Mr. Drysdale, you may
have a steel vault for a heart,

but suppose Mr. Clampett wants

to continue making
movies at Mammoth?

(laughs) That's very funny.

If there's one thing in this
world that would not appeal

to Jed Clampett is the phony
tinsel and nonsense business

of making movies.

What kind of movies
are you gonna make, Pa?

Well, they tell me

that the best kind is
what they call "hits."

So I reckon I'll
make mostly them.

How about making
one with critters?

I might do that.

That Rin Tin Tin and
Strongheart does right good.

You can use any of
my critters you want to.

Well, thank ya.
I'll study on it.

If that Jethro don't
get down here

and drive me over to the studio,

I ain't gonna have time to make

more than one or
two movies today.

JED: Jethro, what's keeping you?

Come on down here!

Jed, I put up some vittles
for you to take along.

I thought you was
agin' me going?

Well, I've been
thinking it over.

We ain't seen a good move

since we left the hills

Maybe you can make some.

Well, I'll sure do my
best if I can round up

some of them big stars
like Hoot and Buck Jones,

William S. Hart, Dustin
Farnum, them fellas.

Invite them to have
lunch with you, Jed.

When they hear
what's in that basket,

they'll jump at the chance.

Well, what all you got for me?

Everything from crow
gizzards to sow belly,

including crawdads, fatback
and hand-slung chitlins.

I reckon even movie stars
don't eat like that every day.

You round them up, Jed.

I'll do my best if
you'll round up Jethro.

Tell him I'll be
waiting on the truck.

Jethro, you want a
hickory stick laid across

the back of you lap?!

Great jumpin' catfish!

What in tarnation is this?

Well, they's actors, Pa.

They's enough here to make

a whole passel
of critter pictures.

And they'll work for board
and keep, won't you, fellows?

(barking, clucking, meowing)

Now, now, quieten them down.

Elly May, I can't
tote all these critters

to the studio.

Aw, Pa.

Well, I tell you what.

Duke is the oldest, he's
been with us the longest.

I'll bring him with me today,

and then if he
makes a good picture,

we'll talk about
the rest of them.

Now get everybody
else off the truck.

Now hold on there.

You don't want to get into
Dustin Farnum's fatback.

GRANNY: Jed!

Jed, listen...

Granny, you ought to see
the mess I found outside.

You ought to see the
mess I found upstairs.

Jethro? Yes.

He said that you told him

he could be a movie producer,

and now he's
gonna look like one.

(door opens)

What do you say, doll?

You want to be in pictures?

I'll go cut a hickory stick.

J.D.,

the way I size up
this here picture biz,

you have got to be
boffo at the box office

to recoup your wide screen.

And I mean, that's even before
the director yells, "Negative."

That there is producer talk.

What does it mean?

I don't know.

I seen these producers
over to your studio yesterday,

and that's the way they talk.

And that's just the
way they looked.

You mean, getting
green around the gills?

You want to take him to
the woodshed or should I?

Granny, I kind of think

that that cigar's done
whupped him first.

Uncle Jed, would you mind

if I commence producing
movies tomorrow?

Aw, go on up and
go to bed, Jethro.

Well, I reckon I better
call up that Mr. Chapman

that runs the studio and
tell him the bad news.

Ain't you going?

Yeah, but it'll take a spell.

That studio's about a
seven- or eight-mile walk.

No wonder Drysdale wants

to turn this studio into a
real estate development!

We haven't shown
a profit in two years!

And you're supposed to
be my four top producers!

Have you turned out
a moneymaking picture

in the last two years?

No, sir.

How about you?

No, sir.

You?

Oh, no, sir.

No, sir.

A fine bunch of nephews you are!

(phone rings)

Well, just don't sit there,
somebody answer the phone!

Conference room.

I'm sorry, Mr. Chapman
cannot be disturbed.

He'll be tied up all day.

Good-bye, Mr. Clampett.

Clampett?! He owns the studio!

Call him back!

Call him back!

Well, that sure is mighty
friendly of you, Mr. Chapman,

but I can walk over easy as not.

No, no, no, if you're
sure you want to come,

I'll send my car for you.

Oh, you're sure, huh?

Okay. Somebody go
and get Mr. Clampett.

I'm sending my own
nephew to pick you up.

Oh, that's all right.

I got plenty left.

By the way, Mr. Chapman,
Granny and me is right partial

to cowboy pictures.
You making any?

You bet we are.

Who's got a picture shooting?

I have, Uncle Larry.

I have a producer with me now.

He's right in the middle
of a cowboy picture.

What?

Well, that sure is good news.

See you directly, bye.

Good-bye.

Uncle Larry, I'm
making a horror picture.

Every picture you
make is a horror picture.

I mean, it's one
of those chillers:

The Creature That Ate Pasadena.

Oh, switch it to a Western.

Call it The Creature
That Ate Dodge City.

Dodge City? That's a
thousand miles away.

Shoot it on the back lot.
We've got a Western street.

What'll I do with my monster?

Give him a gun, a ten-gallon
hat and put him on a horse.

Uncle Larry,

I have been yessing
you for four years.

For four long years.

You want to try for five?

Yes, sir, Uncle Larry.

Now hear me and hear me good.

Our one chance to
keep this studio open

is to keep Jed Clampett happy.

If he loses interest, that
banker will come in here

with a bulldozer and we'll
all be selling used cars.

Our own! Understand?!

ALL: Yes, sir, Uncle Larry.

You, you see that he gets

the most beautiful
office in this studio.

Yes, sir, Uncle Larry.

And you, you see that he gets

the most beautiful secretary!

Yes, sir, Uncle Larry.

Oh, are you gonna stay here?

Where can I go?

I just gave up my
office and my secretary.

Come on, come on. Hurry up.

The front gate said
Mr. Clampett just arrived.

Well, we won't have time
to put his name on the door.

That's all right.

Just as long as
you get mine off.

Mr. Clampett, welcome
to Mammoth Pictures,

home of the cowboy movie.

Well, thank you.

This is my old hound dog Duke.

A magnificent animal.

Oh, let me help you. Let
me take this. What is it?

There's everything in there
from crow gizzards to sow belly.

Well, we can get a steak
from the commissary.

He doesn't need
to eat junk like that.

The vittles is for me.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, Miss Swenson.

This lovely, young
lady is Miss Swenson.

She's going to
be your secretary.

Well, howdy, ma'am.

How do you do, Mr. Clampett?

She'll be your girl Friday.

Oh, well, I'll see you then.

Oh, no, no, that simply means

she's going to
be your assistant.

She'll have the
office next to yours

and be at your beck
and call constantly.

Now, would you mind
showing Mr. Clampett

to his office, please?

I must be running.
Excuse me, please.

Certainly. Right in here.

Well, so long. Come on, Duke.

Well, now, this is right nice,

isn't it, Duke?

I hope you'll be
comfortable, Mr. Clampett.

Say, you got a
right nice office, too.

Oh, no, Mr. Clampett,
this is yours.

I'll be out there in
the reception area.

Oh. Well, all right,

if that's the way you want it.

Yes, it is.

You see, I'll be taking
calls and receiving visitors.

Pretty as you are,

I bet you get a
lot of them, too!

No, Mr. Clampett, you're
the one who'll have the callers.

Oh. that's mighty
flattering of you, ma'am,

but don't let these
fancy duds fool you.

I ain't much of a ladies' man.

Yes. Well, is there
anything I can do?

Would you like me to set up a
luncheon appointment for you?

Yeah. Yes, I would.

I'd like you to
invite Hoot Gibson,

William S. Hart
and Dustin Farnum

to come over and
share vittles with me.

Oh, you, too, of course.

Oh, Mr. Clampett,
you must be joking.

Shucks, no! There's
plenty here for all of us.

How's Jethro feeling, Granny?

Good as new.

I tonic'd him back with
my special 4-S Mixture:

sulfur, sassafras,
snake wort and celery.

Good for man or beast!

You want some?

Oh, no, Granny.
He's feeling just fine.

Well, go tell your pa that Jethro
will ride him over to the movie studio.

Oh, well, Pa's gone.

Big, fancy car come and got him.

Well, I reckon Jethro
will drive over by hisself.

I never did see a boy so anxious

to commence being
a movie producer.

(knocking) Mr. Drysdale,
I beg of you.

Reconsider your plans
to demolish the studios.

It's a hallowed haven
of Hollywood memories.

It's a hallowed haven
for Chapman's relatives.

And the sooner we turn it
into Clampett City, the better.

Well, hi, there,
Mr. Drysdale, Miss Jane.

Y'all come right on in.

Is your father here?

Oh, no, sir.

He's over to the movie-making
studio making movies.

Aha! You see, Chief?

What kind of movies?

Hits. Hits?

JETHRO: Now, just a minute!

Hits is what I'm a-gonna make!

Pa says he's gonna make hits!

Well... well, okay, then.

I'll just make
blockbusters and smashes!

Jethro! Hmm.

What do you say, doll?
You wanna be in pictures?

As a matter of fact, I do.

You do?

Yes.

What am I supposed to say now?

Jethro, what is this nonsense?

You can't be serious
about making movies.

The heck I ain't!

I'm gonna be the biggest
producer in Hollywood.

I'm gonna get me
the biggest stars!

Fellas like, um... Kim Novak!

And I'm gonna make singing,

talking, dancing musicals

with, uh... with the
Andrews Sisters

and the Warner
Brothers. And I'm gonna...

I'm gonna... What, Jethro?

I'm gonna... I'm
gonna go back to bed.

This movie
producing is killing me!

Oh, uh... excuse
me, Mr. Clampett.

Oh, yes, ma'am.
Something happening?

Yes. There's a
Mr. Drysdale in my office.

He wants to know
if you can see him.

Yeah. I can see
him plain as day.

No. I meant he wants to see you.

Oh.

Look this way,
Mr. Drysdale! Here I am.

Come on in.

Excuse the looks of the place.

When they put the floor down,

they didn't cover
up all the dirt,

so stuff has commenced to grow.

You mean all this?

Yeah, but don't worry.

Tomorrow, I'm going
to wear my old clothes,

and I'll get this all
weeded out here,

and I'll fill it in with cement.

Don't waste a moment
on this place, Mr. Clampett.

I'd like to tear the
whole studio down.

Oh, well, now, don't do that.

I'm sorry I complained.

Why, a little dirt and
brush don't bother me.

I kind of like it.

Oh, no, no. Not for that reason.

Now, I have a plan
to replace the studio

with a housing development.

And we'll call it Clampett City.

Clampett City?

Think of that.

Your name
perpetuated for all time!

In guidebooks,
geographies, on road maps...

Clampett City.

With streets like
Elly May Avenue,

Granny Boulevard, Jethro Street.

Well, that sounds fine,

but what will
happen to the studio?

This studio has lost money
ever since Chapman took it over.

Yeah, but he's
doing his level best.

Why, he's got all his
kinfolks working to help out.

Mr. Clampett,
those relatives of his

are grifters, malingerers.

They pad the payroll.
They featherbed.

Oh, yeah. They pitch
in and do everything!

Awful nice bunch of people.

I sure would hate to
see them lose their jobs.

All right, we won't touch
the studio to start with.

There's plenty of
room on the back lot.

And nobody will lose their jobs.

What do you say?

Well, it sure would
pleasure my family

to have streets
named after them.

I reckon I'd be more useful

trying to help build a town

than to make moving pictures.

Why, I can't even get a
star to have lunch with.

Jethro, you can put
them stakes on the truck.

I reckon we got enough
to lay out our streets.

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

Boy, we're sure gonna
need a lot of string.

Don't worry about that.

Granny's been saving
string since the year one.

Hey, Pa, can I have
me lots of big trees

on Elly May Avenue
for my climbing critters?

We'll see, Elly, but
no critters this trip.

Elly May can have all
the trees on Jethro Street.

I'm gonna turn that
rascal into a drag strip!

All right, everybody!

I'm all ready to lay
out Granny Boulevard.

All right. Climb
aboard, everybody!

Jed, where did you say
our town's gonna be?

Oh, out behind the studio

on something they
call the back lot.

Clampett City, here we come!

(whistles)

Let her roll!

CHAPMAN: That Western
street looks deserted!

Where's the movie company?

Why isn't that nephew
of mine shooting?

Pull up here!

Where are the lights?

Where are the cameras?

Where are the actors?

You're supposed to be shooting

The Creature That
Ate Dodge City!

I can't fix this script.

Who needs a script?

You're shooting a Western!

Uncle Larry, listen to reason.

When it was Pasadena,
we had an ending.

All these scientists
from Cal Tech

dreamed up a ray gun
that destroyed the monster.

So let the marshal of Dodge City

shoot him with his six-gun.

We've already shown
he's impervious to bullets.

So? Then let him eat Dodge City!

You mean the monster will win?

Sure! The kids will love it.

And Jed Clampett
will have his Western.

Larry, it won't work.

You see, it's a
modern-day monster,

the result of an A-bomb
explosion in Yucca Flats!

How can he eat an
old Western town?

Let's figure it out when
we're having lunch.

Come on.

Lunch, everybody!

How long have we got for lunch?

Half hour.

You can take longer, sis.

Oh, sure. You take an hour, Mom.

Thank you, son.

Gee! How come Uncle
Larry made him a producer

and me just an extra?

Be quiet. We're all
eating, aren't we?

This here is what they
call the back lot, Uncle Jed.

Nice, open country.

How will we know when we get
to where our town is gonna be?

Reckon we'll see some of them
architect fellas workin', huh, Pa?

Reckon so.

Mr. Drysdale says he's
had a bunch of them

working on this
project for some time.

Sure hope they got
the brush cleared away.

Look! Yonder's some buildings!

GRANNY: Looks like a whole town!

JETHRO: You reckon it's ours?

JED: Must be. I don't
see nothing else around.

ELLY MAY: Them
architects sure been a-workin'.

JETHRO: Looks kind
of old-fashioned to me.

Just the kind of town I like!

Pull up and stop, Jethro,

Let's see what we got.

This here's gonna
be Granny Boulevard!

Shucks, Granny, this
street ain't nothin' but dirt,

just like back home.

Well, the sidewalks is
just like back home, too.

Made out of boards.

Even the stores and
houses is like back home.

Except there ain't as
many trees for my critters.

Uncle Jed, can I drive around

and see maybe
there's another town?

If you want to.

I'll go with you, Jethro!

Come on, Elly!

Bye! Bye, now!

I'm glad it looks
like back home.

I been missing
a place like this.

You know, Granny,
I betcha that's why

Mr. Drysdale had
them architect fellas

to build it this way.

He knowed it would please you.

You ain't fooling
me, Jed Clampett.

I can see it that it
pleases you, too.

It does, for a fact, Granny.

You know, it seems
like people is friendlier

in little towns like this.

'Course they are!

Not standoffish like them
high-falutin' folks in Beverly Hills.

I kind of get the feeling

you'd rather live here
than in the mansion.

Oh, Jed, could we?

I don't see why
not. It's our town.

Hallelujah!

We'll get us the nicest
bunch of neighbors

that ever borrowed a
cup of sorghum! Ha, ha!

All right, let's
try a run-through

before the crew gets back.

Did Uncle Larry send
me some more extras?

Yeah. There are two
sitting over on the porch

at the hotel around the corner.

Four people for Dodge City.

Oh, well. Are they in costume?

Yeah. Okay.

Give them all guns

and fill them in on what to do.

Now, here's the new ending
we came up with at lunch.

You're headed for the hotel.

The people are shooting at you.

But that doesn't stop you.

Mom comes out,
starts beating on you!

You knock her down,
walk right over her

right on into the hotel.

Then you start to
tear the place apart!

(growling)

Fine hotel!

Ain't one room in
the whole place!

I reckon maybe
them architect fellas

just ain't had
time to finish it.

It'll give us something to do.

Look, Jed. Here
comes some folks.

JED: Well! Our first settlers.

By doggies, Granny, looks to me

like that man is toting guns!

Hope we ain't got
troublemakers right off the bat!

We'll soon find out.

Howdy, folks. Welcome to town.

Hi. Here's a gun for you.

Here's one for you.

Here's yours, Mom.

Thanks, son.

What do we need these for?

Well, to shoot at the monster...

Creature from Yucca Flats.

Why do we want to do that?

To keep him from
coming into town!

Well, now, hold on.

Granny and me were just
having a talk about that.

Jed... We aim for this
to be the kind of a town

where folks is
friendly and neighborly.

Jed... A town where
everybody's welcome.

Jed! What, is it, Granny?

Look a-comin'!

(growling)

Whoo-wee! They sure grow
them tall over to Yucca Flats.

Tall and ugly!

Now, hold on, ma'am!

I'll grant you he might
not be your first choice

for a moonlight hayride,

but that ain't no call
to go shooting at him.

Especially his
first trip to town.

Why, a good, hot
bath and a nice show...

Hold your fire!

I declare, you two is
just downright mean!

(growling)

Look, Jed!

They're going after
him tooth and nail!

They ain't making
him feel a bit welcome.

(roaring)

Uh-oh! They've got
his dander up now!

(roaring)

Howdy, stranger!

How are things in Yucca Flats?

(roaring) I don't blame you

for being a mite riled

but, on behalf of Granny and me,

I want you to know that you're
welcome in Clampett City.

GRANNY: Yeah. And
we hope you'll be...

(roaring)

(furniture breaking)

Let's get out of here, Granny.

You think he's mad
now; wait till he finds out

they ain't no
rooms in that hotel!

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.