The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 17 - Dash Riprock, You Cad - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Here, Jed.

I reckon you'll be wanting this.

I don't feel like hunting
this morning, Granny.

I'm tryin' to whittle up a
answer to Elly's problem.

That poor girl is lower

than a hog's chin on market day.

That's what this is fer.

I want you to go over
to that movie studio

and find that movie actor

that broke your
daughter's heart,

and dust his city britches

with a little country lead.

Now, Granny, I don't like that

Dash Riprock fella
no better than you,

but stealin' a kiss or two
ain't exactly a shootin' crime.

I don't mean for
you to drop him.

Just wing him so he can't run.

And then fetch him back
here with a preacher.

Elly wouldn't want
him at gunpoint.

Besides, he belongs
to Miss Jane now.

Yeah. That's what
I can't figure out.

How he could throw Elly
May over for Miss Jane?

I've been whittling
a lot on that myself.

Miss Jane's a fine
woman, all right.

Got a good head
on her shoulders.

From there on down, she appears
to have been shorted a mite.

Yeah.

And there's Elly May

with the prettiest figure

that ever come out of
the hills. That's the truth.

She's got more
curves than a goat path.

Why, her shadow

would win a beauty
contest over Miss Jane.

It's right perplexing.

Don't make no sense at all.

Maybe we ought to
ask that fella Riprock

what he sees in Miss Jane
that he don't see in Elly May.

It wouldn't be
fittin' for us to ask,

but I betcha somebody's gonna.

What's the matter
with you, Ripcord?

Riprock.

I told you to make a pitch

for Elly May Clampett,
and instead of that,

you went ape for my secretary.

Are you some kind of a nut?

It was a mistake, Mr. Drysdale.

It was a catastrophe,
Mr. Ripsnort.

Riprock.

How could it happen?

Well, I-I went to
Miss Clampett's

dressing room like you said.

I knocked on the door...

JANE: Yes, who is it?

Dash Riprock. May I come in?

You may not. Stay where you are.

I'll come out.

And you thought she
was Elly May Clampett?

Well, sure.

You told me her
father had $40 million.

I figured she had
to look like that.

I don't follow you.

The rich ones are never pretty.

You are some kind of a nut.

Now, you show me a
girl with enough money,

and I'll show you
a raving beauty.

I don't care what
she looks like.

I'm back from the
library, Chief. Sorry...

Dash!

You impetuous boy.

Couldn't you wait
until tonight to see me?

Well, uh... Oh, you
won't be disappointed.

I have two new
volumes of poetry to read.

Oh, boy.

But you shouldn't have
come here, naughty boy.

Deny yourself a little longer.

It will be all the sweeter
when we do meet.

But Mr. Drysdale sent for me.

Yes, I want to
have a talk with him.

Talk? Oh!

Chief, you have nothing

to worry about on that score.

What score?

Dash behaving himself.

You see, Dash, Mr. Drysdale

knows of your
reputation as a playboy.

You won't believe this, Chief,

we were alone together
for three hours last evening

and not once did he make
an improper advance to me.

Right, Dash? Right.

The kid is made of steel.

It's just that he's never
been out with a girl

like me before,
right, Dash? Right.

Now he realizes that

beauty of the mind
is more exciting

than beauty of the
flesh, right, Dash?

Right. Now run along.

We have business to discuss.

Au revoir. Till tonight.

Uncle Jed, Elly May
sure is down in the dumps

over that Dash Riprock.

Yeah, I know, Jethro.

I've been whittlin' on it.

I done my best to cheer her up.

I says, "Heck fire, Elly May,

"so you been throwed over.

What's so bad about
bein' a old maid?"

And that didn't
cheer her up, huh?

No, sir.

So then I says, "You ain't
seen the last of Dash Riprock."

I says, "You'll probably
get invited over lots,

quick as him and
Miss Jane get married."

Now you ain't gonna tell me
that didn't brighten her day?

No, sir.

Jethro, speaking of Miss Jane,

maybe you can help me.

You used to keep
company with her some.

Yes, sir.

Well, what's Miss Jane
got that Elly May ain't got?

Lots of things:

car, job, fella.

Well, that ain't what I mean.

Let's put it this way.

Let's stand Elly May and
Miss Jane up side-by-side

so to speak and
look at the two of 'em.

All right.

Now, forget for a minute

that you're Elly May's cousin.

Now, speaking as
a, just a young feller,

whose figure would you pick,

Miss Jane's or Elly May's?

Well, Miss Jane's.

Why?

Heck fire, if I
had Elly's figure,

I'd look like a girl.

Thank you, boy.

You been a big help.

Shucks.

It's only fair for me to
share my brain with you.

You's the one to give
me a city education.

True.

If it wasn't for
you, I'd be just

a big, dumb, old country boy.

But, boy, don't go sharing it

with nobody else now.

I wouldn't want you to
spread your brain too thin.

Okay.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk,
tsk... Poor Elly.

Even her critters
is worried about her.

I'm sorry, Wilbur.

I don't feel like
playing fetch the stick.

(barks)

I don't feel like
playing ball, neither.

Well, he's awful cute, Wilbur,

but he ain't no Dash Riprock.

I'm sorry, Bessie.

I don't feel like playing
checkers, neither.

I just want to be with Dash

and have him to kiss me again.

(kissing)

Thank you, Bessie,

but it just ain't the same.

Well, Granny,
there's only one thing

can make a girl forget a boy.

That's another boy.

You got one in mind, Jed?

That movie studio of
mine is crawling with 'em.

"Slithering" is the word.

Snakes in the grass, that's
what them Hollywood actors is!

We only met one.

One's enough!

Why, he struck like a serpent.

Before poor, sweet, innocent

Elly May knowed
what had happened,

he spied her, sparked her,

spooned her and spurned her.

We got to take a chance, Granny.

Them movie actors is
uncommon good-looking,

and once you've tasted turkey,

you ain't likely
to settle for tripe.

(groans)

Hello? Uh, this is Jed Clampett.

Uh, I'd like to speak to
Mr. Chapman please, ma'am.

Oh, Elly, honey.

Uh, run up and put
on your prettiest dress.

A young man coming
to call. Dash Riprock?!

Uh, just a minute.

Uh, once you've
seen this rascal,

you'll commence
throwing rocks at old Dash.

Who is he?

Well, uh, he's a surprise.

Now, you run,
do like I tell you.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Chapman, I want
you to send me over

one of your finest looking
turkeys... uh, actors.

Yes, Miss Trego, what is it?

Is it true that Dash Riprock

is in Mr. Drysdale's office?

It is.

Oh! Freeze.

Oh, please, just let
me take a peek at him?

Oh, I'm ring-a-ding-ding
over that man!

And that man is
ring-a-ding-ding over yours truly.

Who?

Me.

You?

Me.

Dash Riprock?

Dash Riprock.

Oh, I-I can understand

your momentary confusion.

You're not aware of
the new trend, are you?

No, I guess not. No.

Well, brace yourself, my dear.

What you have is on the way out,

and what I have
is on the way in.

I still don't dig.

It boils down to this.

A pretty face and shapely figure

are no longer the
key to romance.

Well, they must have changed
the lock since last night.

Well, I don't see what's so

complicated about
it, Mr. Drysdale.

I give your secretary
the brush-off and then...

You can hold it
right there, Riprap!

Riprock. You're going to let

Miss Hathaway down very gently.

How do I do that?

I'll think of some way.

Well, think of it
before tonight.

I can't take another three hours

of poetry and carrot juice.

Carrot juice?

She brought along a gallon jug.

I drank so much carrot
juice, I could see in the dark.

And when you're parked
with her, who needs it?

(feigned laughter)

Here's your new
contract, Ripsaw.

Mr. Drysdale, my
name is Riprock.

Dash Riprock.

According to this, your
name is Homer Noodleman.

Well, uh, that was my name

when I was pumping
gas in Peoria.

Well, you can be back
pumping gas in Peoria tomorrow.

You read me, Homer?

Loud and clear. Yes.

Well, until you hear from me,

you will continue to
flip for Miss Hathaway.

Here is Keats, Shelley, Byron,

and Browning.

These, and a jug of carrot juice

will bring you an
evening of ecstasy such...

I'll see you later,
Mr. Drysdale.

Dash Riprock!

(gasps): Oh!

Good-bye, Jane.

Until tonight, Dash, darling.

Yes, until tonight.

It will be Keats
and carrot juice.

Oh, boy.

"Away. Away, for
I will fly to thee.

"Not charioted by
Bacchus and his pards,

but on the viewless
wings of Poesy."

Eat your heart out.

Any questions, Miss Trego?

Yeah.

Where can I get
that carrot juice?

Elly May!

ELLY MAY: Yeah, Pa?

You dressed yet?

Well, not yet, Pa.

Well, get yourself
looking your prettiest,

'cause Biff Steel
is coming to call.

Well, who's Biff Steel?

He's one of them movie actors.

He seen you at the studio,

and fell for you
like a ton of bricks.

Well, I'd rather see Dash.

I hear tell this fella puts
Dash plumb in the shade.

Hurry now.

Yes, sir.

Please call me quick as
vittles is ready, Granny.

I'm starving.

GRANNY: All right, boy.

What you got there, boy?

Oh. This here's a pinup
picture Miss Jane give me.

She says she wants it back.

Let me see that.

By doggies, I still can't figure

what Miss Jane's got
that Elly ain't got more of.

Elly ain't got no
bear rug like that.

True.

(door knocker clanking)

Oh, that must be Miss Jane.

She says she's coming by to
get this and tell me something.

GRANNY: Jethro,
your vittles is ready.

Hot dog! Uh, you give
her this for me, Uncle Jed.

Well, now, hold on, boy.

Miss Jane's coming to see
you and tell you something.

Oh, well, sure hope
she makes it quick.

I'm starving!

Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.

Uh, here's your picture.

What do you got to tell me?

Jethro, get a grip on yourself.

This will hurt, but I shall
make it quick and merciful.

Good.

Oh, please don't
look at me like that

with those big,
happy, trusting eyes.

What I have to say
is difficult enough.

Well, what is it, Miss Jane?

Jethro, you and I can
be no more than friends.

I belong to Dash Riprock.

There, I've said it.

Poor boy.

He couldn't take it.

I've shattered his dream.

He's young, Miss Jane.

He'll get over it.

Do you think he'll
eat his heart out?

Well... Oh, hi there, Miss Jane.

Hello, Elly.

My, how lovely you look.

Why, thank you.

You have so much.

What a shame it's
all going out of style.

I don't know what
you mean, Miss Jane.

Of course you don't,
dear sweet child.

But the new trend will
not find you wanting.

Fortunately, you have
a well-stocked library.

I have?

Yes, indeed.

Come along.

I'll help you select
some volumes to read.

By doggies, whatever
Miss Jane's got,

it's hid like a
quail in a thicket.

Good luck, Biff. See you later.

Hey, wait a minute.

You're not going off and
leaving me stranded here?

Those are my orders.

Have a heart, Eppy!

This girl has got
to be a real beast!

How do you figure?

Well, look at this mansion.

Her father's got $40 million,

and he's got to
strong-arm a date for her.

That's probably why
he bought this studio.

He got a whole stable
of you good-looking guys

for his daughter.

Yeah.

Listen, take me back

and bring over Tab
Strong or Race Burley,

or Bolt Upright.

Sorry, Biff.

You're it.

Oh, howdy there, young fella.

Um, how do you do?

I'm Biff Steel, and
I'm supposed to...

Yeah, we've been looking
for you. Come on in.

Real pleased to meet you.

I'm Jed Clampett.

You're... the Clampett
who owns the studio?

That's right.

And it's your daughter
that I'm supposed to...?

Right again.

I'll fetch her in so you
can get acquainted.

Swell.

Make yourself at home.

Won't be a minute.

Oh, man.

Oh, Miss Jane,
whereabouts is Elly?

She's in the library,

completely immersed
in worthwhile literature.

Thank you.

Well, hello there.

Oh, hi.

I was just leaving.

Have to get to town right away.

(chuckling) Oh.

Don't you have a car?

Uh, no, but I'll run. Walk.

Oh, nonsense.

I'm driving to the bank. Hop in.

Oh, well, thanks, but
I'd-I'd just as soon...

Oh, aren't you Biff
Steel from the studio?

Yeah.

Okay, let's go.

(laughs)

Mr. Steel, this here is, uh...

Mr. Steel, where are you?

(car engine starting)

Dogged if she didn't
grab another one!

Was that my fella, Pa?

I'm afraid so.

Well, gee whiz,
what'll I do now?

Well, you're gonna
have to leave me alone

for a spell, honey.

I got some tall whittlin' to do.

Well, Jed,

has your daughter been
jilted enough to suit you now?

Has the Clampett honor
been thromped on enough?

Are you ready to stop whittling

and commence shooting?

Don't need to, Granny.

I think I have
whittled up the reason

why them Hollywood
fellas keeps dropping Elly

and running off with Miss Jane.

I'm listening.

Well, the way I got it figured,

them movie actors don't
want nobody around 'em

that is prettier than they are!

Do you reckon they could
be that stuck on their selves?

I have heard that
there is one or two

could stroll down
lovers' lane alone.

What can we do about it?

Well, we'll just have to take
Elly May and homely her up.

It's the opening
we've been looking for.

Now, when Miss
Hathaway walks in,

you'll say, "Where
have you been?"

And she'll say, "I've been
to see Jethro Bodine."

And you'll say, "Jethro Bodine!

Aha! Another man!"

And then I stomp
out in a jealous rage.

Yes, and then you'll stomp
right up to the Clampetts

and make a pitch for Elly May.

Now, have you got that straight?

Right. I say, uh,
"Jethro Bodine!

Aha! Another man!"

And then... Sorry I
was so long, Chief...

Dash!

Where have you been?

Well, I've been with Biff Steel.

Jethro Bodine. Aha!

Who?

Biff Steel.

Who is Biff Steel?

Just another young man

suffering from
intellectual anemia.

Starving for the... (laughs)

cod liver oil of my
companionship.

Biff Steel!?

Jealous, Dash?

You bet he's jealous.

He's going to stomp
right out of here!

Aren't you, Dash? Uh, yeah.

Uh, Biff Steel, huh?

Yes, Dash, and in all honesty,

there is something
I must tell you.

I like him.

I like him a lot,
and... he likes me.

There, I've said it.

Well, he's gone.

Yes.

That makes twice within the hour

I have had to break
a young man's heart.

Now, now.

I rather like it.

Turn around, Elly.

What do you think, Granny?

She looks plumb awful!

Right. You done a fine job.

Do I have to wear
this here thing?

It's kind of hot and itchy.

Take it off, Elly.

Whoop. Better leave it on, Elly.

According to Mr. Drysdale,

Dash ought to be
here any minute.

You don't want to
scare away right off.

If that don't scare
him off, nothing will!

Well, it done
wonders for Miss Jane.

That and some poetry.

Oh, uh, you got some
verses you know by heart?

Yes sir, Pa.

Jethro learnt me three poems.

This is a lot of darn nonsense!

Well, we owe it to
Elly to give it a try.

Hey, everybody,
Dash Riprock's here!

Come on in, Dash.

Hello, everybody.

JED & ELLY MAY: Howdy.

Elly May here?

Well, here I am, Dash.

Elly, you've...
you've-you've changed.

You look... wonderful!

I do?

Great!

Oh, hey, Dash, heard
any good poems lately?

Well, no. I, uh... Elly has.

By the shores of Gitchee Gumee,

by the shining big sea water,
stands the wigwam of Nokomis.

Pretty good, huh, Dash?

Great!

She knows two
more. Let 'em fly, Elle.

Well, uh, maybe
she'd like to save them

till her and Dash
is in the parlor.

Well, come on, Dash.

Where you going?

Make sure she says 'em right.

You'd better not
goof this time, Biff.

Don't worry.

Well, Granny, I don't
like to say I told you so,

but I reckon I was right
about them Hollywood actors.

It just don't make sense.

I been watching
he'in' and she'in'

for nigh on to 75
years, and it just...

(door knocker clanking)

Oh, howdy.

Uh, Mr. Clampett,
I'd like to apologize

for leaving the way I did.

Oh, that's all right.

Uh, Elly got over it.

You know, I'm just dying
to meet your daughter.

Every actor in the
studio wants to meet her.

Here's the first carload.

Come on in, fellows.

Tab Strong, Race
Burley, Crunch Hardtack

and Bolt Upright.

Well, howdy, fellas.

How are you, sir?

This here is Granny. Hello.

Hi. Pleased to meet you, ma'am.

Good to meet you.

Elly May, you got more company!

There's another
carload right behind us.

Howdy, fellas.

ALL: Hi.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

Sugar's sticky, so is glue.

There goes 75 years
right down the drain.

What exactly are we
supposed to do, Miss Hathaway?

Well, according to Mr. Clampett,

we're to help Elly May entertain
a dozen handsome movie actors.

Ooh! Crazy!

Oh, howdy, girls.

Much obliged for
hurrying right over.

Miss Jane, thanks to you,

Elly May has got more young
fellas than she can handle.

We shall hurry to her rescue.

Right in the parlor, and
get ready to be mobbed.

Oh. Let me at 'em.

Oh, young lady,

I wouldn't get my
hope up too high.

From the looks of you,
you ain't got much chance.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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Filmways Presentation.