The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 16 - Elly in the Movies - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Mornin', Pa.

Oh, can Elmer have some coffee?

Elly May, I thought
you was gettin' ready

to go to the movie studio.

Oh, I'm ready.

I just been feedin' my critters.

You can't go lookin' like that.

Now get fixed up and
put on your prettiest dress.

Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, can I take
Elmer to the studio?

No, you can't. You're
gonna be a movie star.

You gonna be making pictures
with them handsome young actors

like Dash Riprock
and Bolt Upright.

Yes, sir.

You're gonna find out that
fellas is a heap more fun

than them critters.

Well, they gonna have
to go some to beat Elmer.

Give me that raccoon.

You go on upstairs

and get yourself
looking like a movie star.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Elmer don't like
cream in his coffee.

Now get out of here, scoot.

Uncle Jed, as long as I'm
going over to the studio,

can I produce Elly's movie?

We'll see. Go get
your best clothes on.

I still got my producer clothes.

All right, boy.

Hot dog!

Hey, Granny, I'm gonna
produce Elly's movie!

Put me down, you big lummox!

Jed, you're not gonna let
them young'uns go to work

at that sin-soaked movie studio?

No, they're gonna
work at my movie studio.

That's the one
I'm talking about.

Well, it ain't sin-soaked.

All right, Jed, Elly
is your daughter,

and if you want her

to become one of them Hollywood
flibberty gibbets, go ahead.

She ain't gonna become

one of them Hollywood
flibberty gibbets,

but it's about time she
commence having a little fun,

meeting some young fellas,

gettin' asked out to
dances and parties.

Yeah... Hollywood parties.

What's wrong with
Hollywood parties?

Oh, Jed, you poor
innocent country boy.

Don't tell me you don't
know about Hollywood parties.

Well, I ain't ever been to one.

Oh, the stories
I could tell you.

You been to a
Hollywood party, Granny?

I wouldn't be
caught dead at one.

Then how come you
know so much about 'em?

I got it right from
the horse's mouth;

Elverna Bradshaw told me.

Elverna Bradshaw ain't
never been out of the hills.

What does she know
about Hollywood parties?

Well, if you'll
listen, I'll tell ya.

All right.

Now, you remember
Elverna's daughter

who married Al Ledbetter,
the undertaker over at Ripley?

Yeah.

Well, Al's sister was
in a beauty contest,

and the first prize was
a trip to Eureky Springs.

Yeah.

Well, Al's sister didn't win,

but the girl that did told
about meeting a truck driver

who picked up a hitchhiker
who was a fry cook at Little Rock.

Yeah.

Well, they was a waitress
who worked for the fry cook,

and she had a niece.

And that girl knew all
about Hollywood parties

'cause she'd been
through the mill.

I see.

And the girls at
the mill told her.

What mill is that?

The flour mill in Springfield.

Granny, how come the girls

at the mill back in Springfield

know so much about
parties way out in Hollywood?

I figured that was
none of my business.

'Course not.

I'm not one to pass
on gossip, you know.

Oh, of course not.

But now that you're warned,

I hope that you'll keep
your daughter safe to home.

Don't you worry, Granny.

I ain't gonna let her go

anywhere near that flour mill.

All right, Jed
Clampett, you'll see.

But you're sending your
one and only daughter

down the primrose path.

Now, Granny, I figure
Mr. Drysdale knows a heap more

about Hollywood than
Elverna Bradshaw.

And he is right strong in favor

of Elly May working
in the movies.

It's great... It's
got everything.

With Elly working in the
movies, the Clampetts aren't likely

to go back to the hills.

And with her beauty, she
might become a big star.

And if she becomes a big star,

she'll make a lot of money.

And if she makes a lot of money,

she'll put it in my bank.

Oh, Chief, is that
all you're thinking of?

Of course not.

I'm thinking of Elly.

Now, she might meet
some young men,

have dates,
romance, get married.

She might marry a big star.

And if she does, he'll
put his money in my bank.

Oh, it's great.

It's got everything.

Chief, if you're really
thinking of Elly, think again.

Granted, she will meet
young men, but what kind?

Good-looking,
successful, young actors.

That's what kind.

Fellas like Rock
Dipdash and Up Boltright.

That is Dash Riprock
and Bolt Upright.

With the kind of
money they're making,

I don't care if they're called
Thing One and Thing Two.

Wolves One and Two
would be more appropriate.

Cads, both of them.

Libertines.

Poor, sweet, innocent Elly May

is no match for their kind.

Poor, sweet, innocent Elly May

can whip four of their kind

with one hand tied behind her.

Meantime, she can have some fun,

get invited to
dances and parties.

Yes.

Hollywood parties.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Oh, Chief, how can
you be so uninformed?

Well, what do you know
about Hollywood parties?

Have you ever been to one?

Certainly not, but
I've heard about them

from this girl who lives
in my apartment building.

Has she ever been to one?

No, but she has this cousin

who works at a flour
mill in Springfield.

This better, Pa?

Elly May, you is prettier

than sunup on a frosty morning.

You coming to the studio?

Oh, I figure I
won't right off, Elly.

Them young actor
fellas will be wanting

to get acquainted,
and it won't help none

to have your pa standing around.

Well, Granny says I
dasn't have nothing to do

with them tricky
Hollywood rascals.

Now, don't you let
Granny scare you.

Of course, sparking a
pretty girl brings out a little bit

of rascal in every
boy, country or city.

I was a mite tricky myself.

You, Pa?

Yep.

I remember when I
was sparking your ma,

she said I couldn't kiss her
'less we seen a falling star.

Well, it wasn't no time at all

till I was running
in fireflies on her.

Elly May, your
producer is ready.

Let's get over to Hollywood
and commence to vine.

Commence to what?

Vine.

That's what all
the movie folks do:

go to Hollywood and vine.

Jethro... Now,
don't you worry, JD.

I have got widescreen
plans for this little property.

Now, look, boy...

Of course, she'll
have to start out

as what you call a "extry."

But I am gonna
pan her close-ups,

dolly her makeup
and budget her arcs...

(coughs)

till I have built her up

to what you call a top
box office has-been.

I'm gonna negative
her foreign gross.

Might even go to color.

You're going to color
right now, Jethro.

Why, your eyes is red,

your face is white,
and your lips is blue.

JED: You best get
some fresh air, boy.

Yes, sir.

Something is making
me kind of dizzy.

Yeah, it's probably
the dark glasses.

Yeah.

He'll be all right in a minute.

I packed you a lunch to take

to that sin-soaked studio, Elly.

Thank you, Granny.

What's this fer?

Protection.

Feeling better, Jethro?

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed,

but if it's all the same to you,

I'd rather not
produce Elly's picture.

Producing movies
is too hard on a fella.

All right, boy.

I'll do something easy,

like write it or direct it.

Tell you what, Jethro,

you just drive Elly
May over to the studio

and then come right back home.

She'll get acquainted
with these young fellas

a heap easier if her
family ain't standing around.

Let's go, Jethro.

I got to report to the
wardrobe department.

Elly, how come you're
wearing Granny's hat?

Well, she says
it's for protection.

Protection from what?

Fellas.

You don't need no hat pin.

Heck fire, all Elly's got
to do is tell them fellas

her pa owns the studio.

You don't have
to do that, neither.

You just been your
own sweet, pretty self

and do honest day's
work movie starring.

Well, Jethro says
I got to be an extra

before I can be a star.

All right, after you're
a extra for a while,

you ask them real
polite, can you be a star?

Yes, sir, Pa.

(engine starting)

Bye, darling.

Uncle Jed, don't call me that.

Wait for me!

Wait for me!

Granny, you ain't going,
especially with a game leg.

That's just a little
touch of rheumatiz.

Let go!

All right, let me have it.

Have what?

That double-barrel
splint you're wearing.

Now can I go that I'm unarmed?

No, you can't.

Dagnabbit, somebody's
got to protect!

(metallic clanging)

All right, Jed.

Let it be on your
conscience that you sent

your daughter to
Sin City unprotected.

Sin City? Hollywood.

She ain't no match for
them slick movie stars.

One look from Emil Jannings,
and she'll be at his mercy.

Granny, Elly is gonna be working

with a fella name
of Dash Riprock.

With a name like that,
he has just about got

to be a clean-cut,
upstanding young man.

Hi, Dash.

Hi.

Who's gonna be in your picture?

Well, I'm not sure yet.

Could be you.

Me?

If you can handle
the love scenes.

Oh, I can.

I know I can.

Dash...

Get the springs oiled
on this for me, honey.

Go get me a
sandwich, sweetheart.

Uh, you can go along
and carry the potato chips.

Now, uh, about
those love scenes...

have you, um... have
you read the script?

No.

I'm just an extra.

Well, that's where stars
come from, sweetheart.

Sit down, sit down.

Okay.

Now, uh, in the opening scene,

when we're, uh...
ELLY MAY: Howdy.

Well... how do you do?

Dash!

Be sure there's plenty of
mustard in that sandwich, honey.

Well, sit down, sit down.

Well, thank you.

Well, you're the
prettiest extra I've seen.

Why, thank you.

After I've been an
extra for a while,

can I be a star?

Well, now, I think you can.

If you can handle
the love scenes.

Why, I'll try.

I don't know just a whole
heap about such things.

Would you like to learn?

Yes, sir!

Well, this is lesson number one.

Say "prune."

Prune.

Again.

Again.

Say "prune" again.

Prune again.

Just say "prune."

Prune.

That's it.

Prune.

(whistles) Pa was right!

You're more fun than Elmer!

Can I speak to you for a minute?

Is it important?

Very. Orders from
the front office.

Excuse me, honey.

Don't go away.

Am I a star yet?

Not quiet, sweetheart.

But you're on the right track.

What is it, Tom?

They just cast the
girl for your picture.

Do me a favor, will you?

Don't tell any of the extras.

I'm, uh, doing a little
casting on my own.

Shape up, boy.

The girl they picked
is the boss's daughter.

Chapman? No, the big boss.

J.D. Clampett.

What does she look
like? Can she act?

Who cares? Papa owns the studio.

She's on her way over here now.

So get rid of the chick.

Just a minute.

Listen, sweetheart, we'll, uh,

we'll continue your
acting lesson later.

Get dressed and
wait for me at the gate.

Yes, sir.

Prune.

Later. Later.

Oh, boy.

Who is she? Never mind that.

I'm grooming her for stardom.

I thought those
newspaper stories

about Dash Riprock
would stir you to action.

Scandalous escapades.

Now you see the danger
that confronts Elly...

Working with that
young scoundrel.

Don't feel you have
to read them all, Chief.

I know how revolting they are.

Chief?

Chief?

Hmm? What?

I said don't feel you have
to read all of those clippings.

Are you kidding? This
is my third time through!

(chuckles)

When does this kid find
time to make movies?

Deplorable, isn't it?

Such a waste.

What will he have
when youth is gone?

Well, for one thing, he'll have
a great bunch of clippings!

There's Elly!

Wandering around
in a bathing suit!

Oh, Chief! Now don't panic!

Take her to a dressing room,

I'll have a talk with
young Ripsnort.

Elly May.

Oh, howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

Miss Jane. Get in.

I'll take you to
your dressing room.

See you later, Chief.

Right.

As you can see
by those clippings,

I've got you pegged
dead to rights.

So there's no use
trying to squirm out of it.

Now, you try any of those
shenanigans with Miss Clampett

and your next picture will
be shot at the police station!

Is that clear?

I said is that clear?

Riptide!

What? Give me those!

Now you go present yourself

at Miss Clampett's
dressing room!

And you be charming,

you be polite, and you behave!

You understand? Yes, sir.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Uh, could I finish
reading those, sir?

Get out of here.

JANE: Yes? Who is it?

Dash Riprock. May I come in?

You may not.

Stay where you are.

I'll come out.

So you are Dash Riprock.

Y-Yes, ma'am.

All right, let's get this
straight here and now.

I know your reputation.

And there will be none of

your romantic high jinks
with Elly May Clampett.

Y-You have my word of honor.

Come on, Jethro, might
as well get this over with.

Yeah. Granny ain't gonna
let up till she sees for herself

there ain't no sinning
going on at your studio.

Let's go.

Now, hold on just a minute.

Bend your knees.

What's the matter?

Don't you trust me?

Bend your knees.

There. Are you satisfied?

Nope. Let me see your reticule.

Take a good look, Mr. Pinkerton!

Okay.

I'll help you on
the truck, Granny.

While you got her hefted,
uh, shake her down a little.

Yes, sir.

Stop that!

Ain't you got no respect

for your poor old
brittle-bone Granny?!

All right, set her down, Jethro.

All right, let's have it.

Have what?

What you're hiding
under your hat.

That happens to be my head.

Well, I'll be switched.

I thought that was
a heavy hairpin.

All right, let's get a-going.

(engine starts)

Come out of there,
Ripdash, you coward!

I know you're hiding
around here someplace!

Now, I'm gonna give you
until the count of three,

and then your contract
is gonna be canceled.

One, two... Mr. Drysdale,
have a heart.

I-I can't make a picture
with Mr. Clampett's daughter.

Why not?

Man, just her voice scares me.

Oh, that. Well, we can
just dub in another voice.

What are we gonna
do about the rest of her?

Are you kidding?

Have you ever seen
her in a bathing suit?

No, I missed that.

Well, her figure
is one in a million.

At least.

JANE: Excuse me, gentlemen.

Mr. Drysdale, I have
been reading this script,

and I find it unacceptable.

Oh? What's the matter with it?

For one thing, the love
scenes with young Riprock here

are positively indecent.

I can't believe it.

She's right, absolutely right.

I feel the same way.

You?! Yes, sir.

When I first read that script,

I said, "Why, these love
scenes are positively indecent."

Well, I-I'm glad to see you
have some sense of propriety.

Oh, I'm full of it.

Baloney is what you're full of.

Look, we'll tone
down the love scenes.

Now, get back to
the dressing room

and get that beautiful Clampett
figure into a bathing suit.

I refuse.

Good girl.

I'm with her.

Well, how-how refreshing to find

that you're not totally
devoid of moral fiber.

Why, honey, I'm just solid
moral fiber from head to toe.

Uh, since we're not
making that picture,

uh, may I see you to your car?

You stay here, Dashrock.

I want to talk to you.

Alone.

Sit down.

Now, look...

I don't care if you make
the picture with Elly May.

That's not important.

Thanks.

The important thing is that

she doesn't know any young
men, never has any dates.

I can believe it.

But you're going
to change all that.

I am?

How?

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Her father owns the studio;
that means he owns you.

Mr. Drysdale, please.

I-I've got the
cutest little extra

waiting for me out
there at the front gate.

Well, forget her. You're gonna
romance Elly May Clampett.

Mr. Drysdale, listen,
you-you can't let a nice,

decent girl like that go
out with a cad like me.

Why, she's liable to wind up at
one of those Hollywood parties.

You know about
those parties, do you?

Man, I could tell you
stories would curl your hair.

Really? Yeah.

See, my aunt works in
this flour mill in Springfield.

(whistles)

Hey, Pa, Granny, Jethro!

(whistles)

It's Elly May.

(engine stops)

What y'all doing here?

We come to see you, Elly.

Are you all right, honey?

Sure am, Granny.

You a star yet?

Well, not yet, Pa.

I'm still an extra.

But Mr. Dash Riprock is
learning me to be a star.

Well, that's right
friendly of him.

Why, he's done learned
me to say, "prune."

You been saying that for years!

Yeah, but it never was
so much fun before!

You and Mr. Riprock have got
real good acquainted, have you?

Yes, sir, Pa.

I like him.

Well, then I reckon it
wouldn't do no harm

for the rest of us to meet him.

Hop on.

Well, he said to wait
for him at the gate.

But I reckon we can find him.

(engine starts)

Now, while you're
charming Elly May Clampett,

I'll go talk to Chapman
about your raise.

If I pull this off,
I deserve one.

Not to mention an Oscar.

Just remember, her
father has $40 million.

Figures.

What was that?

Uh, nothing, sir.

I'll-I'll make a pitch
for Elly, I promise.

Yes, you do that, or you'll
be making flour for your aunt.

Yes? Who is it?

Dash Riprock. May I come in?

Oh-oh-oh, well, I don't know.

I-I'm quite alone here.

Good. I want to see you alone.

See here!

Leave that door open!

If-If-If you've come to
talk to me about the script,

I've had to make
some changes, I...

I didn't come to talk
to you about the script.

I came to talk about us.

U-Us?

You and me.

Oh-Oh, th-th-th-th-th-that us.

Yes, can't you see?

I've fallen for you.

Me?! Oh-oh-oh.

B-B-But y-y-you
have scores of girls.

But not like you, believe me.

I mean, you've got something
I've always been looking for.

Uh... intelligence.

I-I-I f-f-find that very
difficult to believe.

I-I've been reading
your clippings

about all your
amorous adventures.

Every night, a
different glamour girl,

a movie starlet
or a beauty queen.

Yes.

I-I've hated every minute of it.

(sighs)

You poor boy.

Mr. Riprock?

Hey, Dash?

Hey, where are you?

I want you to meet my family.

Yeah, we'd like to have
you over for some vittles.

Mr. Clampett!

What are you doing here?

Well, we're looking
for Mr. Riprock.

Oh, good. He's a
wonderful fellow.

Crazy about Elly May.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Yes, he'll be taking
her out on dates,

to parties, dances.

Mad about her.

Here you are, Chief.
Hello, Mr. Clampett.

Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.

Uh, Chief, I wonder
if I might have

the rest of the day off.

Dash wants to
take me for a drive.

Dash who?

Riprock. He's mad about me.

Must be some kind
of a... Dash Riprock?!

Mr. Drysdale, I
thought you told me

he was mad about Elly May.

Yeah.

But that's a different Riprock.

The one who's mad
about Miss Hathaway

works in a flour mill.

Don't you fret, Elly.

You're better off out of there.

Tell me, did that Dash Riprock

invite you to one of
them Hollywood parties?

No, ma'am, Granny.

Too bad.

I was hoping your pa
would learn for hisself

about how them
movie folks carry on.

Granny, once and for all,

we're gonna find out firsthand

about them Hollywood parties.

Right now?!

Right now.

Hot dog!

Where to, Uncle Jed?

That flour mill in Springfield.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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Filmways Presentation.