The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 18 - Clampett A-Go-Go - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

♪ ♪

Sure do thank you
for the ride, Dash.

My pleasure, Elly.

You two spying on Elly again?

Not me.

I'm spying on her fella.

I'm spying on his car.

Boy, I sure hope Elly marries
that rascal so I can drive it.

Come away from that window.

Well, somebody
ought to stay and watch.

I don't trust that
fella Dash Riprock.

Why not?

He's had Elly May out two
nights in a row till plumb past dark

and out driving today, and
still no ring on her finger.

Give the boy a chance.

A chance to what?

We ought to ask his intentions.

I'll do it.

Jethro, you're coming with me.

We got chores to do.

I'll ask him.

You stay in the house
and leave them alone.

You'll scare the boy away.

All right, Jed,
whatever you say.

Well, come on in, Dash.

Let's say good-bye out here.

Good-bye?

Well, ain't we going
swimming this afternoon?

Well, I-I got to leave
you for a while, Elly.

I've got an idea, Elly.

Instead of swimming here,
why don't we go to the beach?

Well, all right, Dash.

Instead of picking
you up out here in front,

why don't you meet
me out by the gate?

Well, fine and dandy.

Make that outside the gate,
uh, uh, way out by the street.

2:00 okay?

Okay.

Bye. Bye.

My wife said I was
to pay you for this?

That's right, Daddy.

Big Mama saw it down
at the beach and flipped.

She said you'd
lay 50 skins on me.

Skins?

I believe that
means dollars, chief.

$50 for this piece of junk?!

Junk?!

Daddy, this is a
Sheldon Epps original.

You dig it, don't you, chick?

Well, the abstract
art is not too dynamic,

but... that's rather a
striking likeness of a fish.

What do you mean likeness?

That is a fish.

Oh, uh, tell Mrs. D. to
hang it in a cool room.

Get this thing out of here.

I wouldn't give
you 50 cents for it.

You don't like this side?

How about this side?

Out, out.

Aw, come on, man, I mean,
like, I'm fresh out of bread.

I couldn't even feed
the meter out front

and, and the fuzz is
going to paper my wheels.

Chief, I believe that means
the police may ticket his car.

Well, I hope they tow
it away and this with it.

Now, come on. I have
no time for beatniks.

Beatnik?

Daddy, I am a poet, painter,

musician, and philosopher.

Get this nut out of here.

I've got a bank to run.

Mr. Epps... Shelly to you, doll.

Hey, what's with the
mayor of Lootville here?

You're the money bunny, Clyde.

You ain't going to miss 50.

Come on. Start your
own war on poverty.

Give me the security officer.

Chief, if your wife agreed
to buy the painting...

If my wife wants that
garbage-can Rembrandt,

she can pay for it out
of her own bridge money.

Now, get these
monstrosities out of my sight.

Here is Mrs. Drysdale's address.

Perhaps if you drove up there...

Hey, chick, you
want to buy this?

No, thank you.

How about a set of bongos?

No, I... I'll make you
a deal on my threads.

No, really, I... Sandals? Out.

Wash your car?

Out!

Arnie, you hadn't ought
to followed me out here.

You can't go to the beach.

(car sputtering)

Come on, machine. You can do it.

I'll give you a beat.

Yeah... yeah.

Yeah, that's it,
wheels. Go, go, go!

Oh, at the top of this hill

is the pot of bread at
the end of the rainbow.

Oh, Shelly.

Dig the drumsticks
on that chick.

She is Miss Built City.

Hey, chick-chick.

Arnie ain't no chicken.

He's a dog.

Hey, wait for me, baby.

I'll be back with a
pocket full of wampum.

We'll make the scene.

Scooby-do, me and you.

Look out, you're
heading right for that...!

(crashing)

Pa! Jethro!

Set it down right here, Jethro.

Don't move him till
I've checked him over.

Thank goodness it happened
in front of a doctor's house.

Reckon you can fix it, Jethro?

I'll do my best, Uncle Jed.

You ain't fixing
to give him a shot

of straight corn
squeezings, are you, Doc?

Of course not.

He's a city boy.

Just sniffing the
cork'll bring him around.

I made it.

I've gone to that
big pad in the sky.

What's he talking about?

I don't know. What
happened, boy?

How come you
whomped into that wall?

Was that the scene?

No wonder the lights went out.

Elly May seen the whole thing.

That's right.

Oh, yeah.

Like, it's coming
back to me now.

I-I was wheeling
through Richville,

and out by your front
gate I saw this wild chick

with the crazy
drumsticks and, uh, pow.

Elly, I told you

to keep them chickens penned up,

especially when they've
been at your granny's mash.

Well, it was little
Arnie he seen.

He just thought
it was a chicken.

He is a city boy, ain't he?

How you feeling, young feller?

Oh, I still read "tilt," Mama.

How about another sniff
of that airplane glue, huh?

Jed, whomping that wall

has loosened the
seeds in his gourd.

The fault is ours, Granny.

We got to take care of him.

Well, get him upstairs.

I'll have him right
as rain in no time.

Come on, Jethro.

Let's get him up to bed.

You going to put me in the sack?

No, you ain't far
enough gone for that.

Oh, I'm real gone, Daddy.

You know something, Daddy?

This is a real strong cat.

Well, Granny, you got your
doctoring cut out for you.

I know it, Jed.

That poor boy thinks I'm his
mama and you're his daddy.

And he thought little
Arnie was a chicken.

That ain't nothing.

He thinks Jethro's a pussycat.

(chattering)

Elly?

Elly May, where are you?

Howdy, Dash.

Elly, you said you were going
to meet me out by the street.

What happened?

Well, this is what happened.

Mr. Epps ran
smack-dab into the wall.

Well, you shouldn't
let him drive.

He ain't Mr. Epps.

That's Skipper.

Mr. Epps got knocked wobbly,

so Pa and Jethro's
putting him to bed.

All right, young
fella, hop into bed.

Ah, Daddy, you're kidding.

Is this what you
wear to Sacktown?

To where?

Snoozeville.

Oh, no, that
ain't for traveling.

That's for sleeping.

Oh, you two have got
to be from outer space.

You sure ain't Earth men.

Still talking out of his head.

You'd best stay up here
and keep a eye on him.

Yes, sir.

Hey, you reckon
Granny can mend this?

Probably, but I'm going

to have a rough time
fixing these shoes.

Ain't much left to work on.

Hey, Daddy, where you going
with my threads and my skids?

Never mind.

You rest easy.

Granny's going to fetch
you up some hot vittles.

Crazy.

Hot what?

Vittles.

You know, like grits
and possum belly.

You're putting me on, Clyde.

My name is Jethro.

Oh, come on, Clyde.
Nobody's name is Jethro.

Mine is.

They's lots of Jethros at home.

We's from back in the hills.

Like, I didn't figure
you from Birdland.

Hey, Clyde.

Uh, Jethro.

Who's that big moose
down there with the chick?

Who?

Muscle boy, Mr. Biceps,
Mighty Joe Young.

Oh, that's Dash
Riprock, the actor.

Him and Elly May's
going swimming.

Oh, no.

Hey, chick.

Don't split the
scene with that cube!

I need you!

You talking to me, Mr. Epps?

Yeah, doll, I'm sinking fast.

Come on up here and
Florence Nightingale me.

You mean you're feeling poorly?

Oh, baby, I'm, like, dying.

You got to save me.

Come on up and lay the
old Red Cross gig on me.

Medic! Medic!

I'm sorry, Dash,

but I reckon I got to stay
and help care for Mr. Epps.

Now, wait a minute.

I don't like the
looks of that creep.

Where's he from?

Well, he says he
lives at the beach.

Probably under a wet rock.

I'm staying.

Elly, I need...
well... Mr. Riprock.

What are you doing?

I'm leaving.

Oh, how's the boy
getting along, Granny?

He's as cattywampus
as ever, Jed.

I fixed him a steaming
hot bowl of owl soup.

And do you know what he said?

No, what?

He said, "It's cool,
Mama, real cool."

Well... he sure cleaned it up.

That's another thing.

All the time he was
slurping it down,

he kept saying,
"This is too much."

Well, Granny, I reckon the
poor boy ain't used to eating.

He told me he didn't have
bread in his pocket for a week.

He carries bread in his pocket?

Only place he can...
He ain't got a home.

No home?

Where does he sleep?

He said he had a little
pad down to the beach.

He sleeps out in the open?

Why, he'll freeze to death.

Oh, he's a pitiful
case, all right.

No doubt about that.

Uncle Jed... I don't
think Mr. Epps's tire

is gonna hold a patch.

I reckon you're right.

Did you stomp his front
wheel back into shape?

Yes, sir.

That ought to make him happy.

Funny thing... all he keeps
asking about is his wheels.

Don't care shucks
about the rest of the car.

Did you show Granny
his eating table?

What eating table?

I was hoping you
wouldn't see this, Granny.

But, uh, appears like the boy

has been taking his meals

off the back of
a "for rent" sign.

No.

Living in the open
the way he does,

I reckon that's the
best he could do.

Well, leastways
he's been eating.

Yeah, but you ought to see what.

Ain't them the sorriest-looking
leftovers you ever did see?

Land to Goshen.

Elly May Clampett,
you're supposed

to be upstairs taking
care of Mr. Epps.

Well, that's what
this is for, Granny.

Remember how he
thought Arnie was a chicken?

Yes.

Well, now he thinks I'm one.

That's the truth, Granny.

He's been calling
Elly May a chick.

So, I figured I'd show him
what a real one looked like.

(chirping)

Good idea, Elly.

We plumb got to treat him

pert near like he's a child.

I know.

Us doctors are used
to seeing sad things,

but the way that
boy sets up there

playing them little
toy drums... (sobbing)

ELLY MAY: Jethro,

would you tie a rope onto this

and hang it from the ellum tree?

What for?

For Mr. Epps.

He says he wants
to swing with me.

Well, I sure wish
he'd make up his mind.

What he told me he wanted
most in life was to have a ball.

So, I took this away
from old Duke for him.

Now, young'uns,

we got to make
allowances for Mr. Epps.

He's had a hard
life and a hard jolt,

and it's got his loft
a little out of plumb.

Uh, Wiggy... Shelly.

Uh, listen, man, I won't be
making the scene tonight.

No, no, I'm cool, but I
creamed the machine.

Now, now, don't
pop your top, man.

I am calling you from Fort Knox.

No, man, I'm not putting you on.

Daddy Warbucks lives here.

Old Goldfinger himself.

This cat has got
40 million gumballs.

And Wiggy, that's
only the intro.

Wait till you hear the chorus.

He has got a daughter

who is like the queen
chick of the world.

I tell you, the whole gig
is right out of King Arthur.

If this pad had a moat
and a drawbridge,

it would be instant castle.

(knocking)

Wiggy, I'm gonna have
to get off the horn now.

Room service is knocking.

Dig you tomorrow.

I'm going to sack
out here tonight.

(knocking)

Like, uh, fall in.

How you feeling, Mr. Epps?

Crazy.

Yeah, but you're
going to get well.

I got a surprise for you.

Open the lid.

(chirping)

Them is chicks.

No, honey, they're
some kind of birds.

Look what I got
for you, Mr. Epps.

A bouncy ball!

Well, who needs it?

Give me my threads, man.

I'm gonna swing tonight.

Now, hold on, boy.

You better not
swing in the dark.

Liable to bash into the tree.

We'll put up your
swing tomorrow.

Nighttime is for resting.

If you want, we'll
all stay here with you

and play bouncy
ball till you get sleepy.

CLAMPETTS: Yeah!

That's what we'll do.

ALL: Bouncy...
bouncy... bouncy... ball!

ELLY MAY: Don't
that look like fun?

This whole thing
is out of a book,

and you are the
Swiss Family Clyde.

Now, Mr. Epps, I know you
and luck has been strangers,

but I tell you what.

You behave yourself tonight,

and tomorrow morning early,

I'll go down to the bank

and get you a big box of money

so you can get a new car
and never be out of bread.

What do you say?

Well, I say don't
just stand there.

Let's play bouncy ball!

ALL: Bouncy...
bouncy... bouncy... ball!

Bouncy... bouncy...
bouncy... ball!

You wait here, Jethro.

I'll fetch a box of money.

A box of money?

You're not going to
throw it out the window

like you did at Christmas.

Oh, no, Mr. Drysdale,
I wouldn't want

to see you get that upset again.

I just need a
small box this time,

enough for a new
car and some clothes.

Wonderful. That's great.

I've been hoping you'd
get yourself a new car

and some tailor-made clothes.

Oh, they ain't for
me, Mr. Drysdale.

The truck runs fine, and you
can see I don't need no clothes.

Oh, yes.

Who's the money for?

This poor boy up to our house.

Mr. Clampett, you've got to stop
giving money away for no reason.

Oh, but he needs
it, Mr. Drysdale.

He ain't got nothing to
eat and no place to live.

You call that a reason?

It's not even deductible.

Well, I don't know
about that, Mr. Drysdale,

but what's the good
of having money

if I can't give it away?

Oh... what you do to my ulcer.

I'm sorry,

but I feel what happened
to this boy is our fault.

What happened?

Well, account of Elly
May and her critters,

he whomped his
car into our wall.

Uh-oh!

I smell a lawsuit.

And he ain't been right
in the head ever since.

He's faking, and I'll prove it!

I'll be up there with
doctors and lawyers

and CPAs and witnesses.

He won't get a dime.

Mr. Drysdale, I done
promised him the money.

Oh, no.

Anyway, I bet that
made him well in a hurry.

I'm afraid not.

When Granny and me went
up to wake him this morning,

he was just as
catawampus as ever.

(snoring)

Appears like a
good night's sleep

didn't help much, Jed.

Can't really tell yet, Granny.

Mr. Epps?

Mr. Epps?

Hmm? What?

Rise and shine,
boy, it's six o'clock.

Six o' what?

Six o'clock.

On account of you feeling
poorly, we let you sleep in.

Boy, you sure did.

It's 6:00, huh?

Straight up.

Oh, like wild.

I slept all day.

Oh, no, boy, it's
6:00 in the morning.

In the morning?

That's right.

Oh, Daddy, you mean
it gets to be 6:00 twice?

Pitiful case.

He still thinks I'm his
pa, Granny's his ma

and Jethro's some
fella name of Clyde.

Clyde?

That's nothing.

He thinks Elly May is a chicken.

Well, I want to get a
look at this character

before you make any settlement.

Come on up.

As soon as Miss
Hathaway returns,

we'll be up there.

And, uh, don't forget
the box of money.

Leave everything to me.

See you directly.

That guy's got to be faking.

I'll bet he's as normal as I am.

Mr. Epps, do you know
you're upside down?

This is yoga.

I get in this position
to feed my brain.

Well, what do you feed it?

Maybe I got some.

I'm like in a trance.

This frees my spirit and
makes my mind soar.

I bet it does.

Stop standing on it.

Now, that feel better?

I was creating a
poem to the chick.

Listen to this.

"Blue cheesecake

"and a silver spoon in the sand.

The seaweed barks at me."

What do you think?

I think you better feed
your brain some more.

Never mind, Mama.

I'm, like, out of the
mood for poetry.

I feel the urge to paint.

Well, good.

Now, there's something useful.

I got a old rocking
chair you can start with.

It's my favorite rocker,

but it could use
a coat of paint.

Cool it.

Don't move.

I have got a flash.

What?

You are gonna be the
rockin' Whistler's Mother.

How's Mr. Epps? Feeling better?

I think so, Pa.

He's painting pictures now.

Well, that beats playing
on them little toy drums.

What kind of pictures?

Well, he says he's
painting one of Granny,

but I ain't seen it.

I think I'll go back to
work on Mr. Epps's car.

Now, wait a
minute. Let's all go in

and make a fuss over
Mr. Epps' painting.

That'll be good for him.

How is everybody?

Just fine, Jed.

Mr. Epps is painting my picture.

Well, let's have a look.

No, no, not yet, Daddy.

I haven't quite
finished the hands.

They're rough to paint.

All right, cats, here it is.

My portrait of Granny.

Queen of the elderly chicks.

Let me see it.

Well, uh... you sit
back down, Granny.

Uh, we want to see
if it looks like you.

Looks like her!

It does, don't it?

Looks like something
the cat drag... ow!

I want to see it!

Well, uh, it ain't dry yet.

Uh, Jethro, uh,
quick, take it outside.

Quicker it gets dry,
quicker Granny can see it.

Easy, Clyde, that's
a masterpiece.

They'll be digging that
100 years from now.

Not where I'm gonna bury it.

Hold it, man!

You ain't really
gonna bury this.

If Granny sees
it, she'll bury you.

Wait a minute here.

Now, Mr. Epps... Hold it!

Oh, Clyde!

No, Clyde, not
against your shirt!

Oh, you have ruined it.

Oh, no, I ain't.

I can get this off
with turpentine.

(groaning)

You were right, Miss Hathaway.

It's this no-talent
coffeehouse reject.

Oh, don't wail at me, Daddy.

Look at this!

Ah. Wait, Chief.

Oh, why, this is good.

Good?

Look at the style, the
sweep of movement,

this blending of colors.

The boy has found himself.

You serious?

Why, this painting
will bring $500 easily.

Sold!

Clyde, wait.

Don't clean that shirt.

We're a team, man, like
Toulouse and Lautrec.

Come back here, Clyde!

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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