The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 15 - The Movie Starlet - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Granny?

Hadn't you better
let the young'uns

do that high work?

What fer?

Well, you might
could take a nasty fall.

You sayin' I'm too
old to climb a ladder?

No, no.

Too feeble and shaky
to do a little housework?

Not a bit.

You saying I'm over the hill?

Of course not.

Headin' for the boneyard?

Never mind, Granny. Forget it.

I'm sorry I brought it up.

What do you think I am,
one of them senior citizens?

Jethro, there's a
stepladder in the hall!

Okay!

(Granny yells)

There you are, Uncle Jed.

(Granny yelling,
crystals jingling)

Hang on, Granny,
here's your ladder!

Why'd you snatch it out
from under me like that?!

Jethro done it, Granny.

I'm sure he didn't aim to.

Heck fire, Jethro,

I was just cleaning your
room like Granny told me.

I wasn't gonna bother
with your old pictures!

What's got into that boy?

Have you noticed how
he's been acting here lately?

For all the world like
somebody borrowed his brains.

What you reckon it is?

Well, generally speakin',

when a boy Jethro's
age gets to carrying on

like a heifer in a hailstorm,

you can just about plant corn
on there being a girl behind it.

You ought to see Jethro's room.

You can't even
find the wallpaper

for that girl's pictures.

You put the buckeye
square on the bee sting, Jed.

Know who she is, Elly?

Well, her name is Kitty Devine.

She's one of them

what you call movie starlets.

Oh-oh. Jethro might
be picking up more

than he can tote.

Jed, you've been
sayin' you ought to have

a long talk with that boy.

I reckon now is the time.

Yeah, I reckon.

Well, might as well get to it.

Where you goin'?

I'm going along and listen.

Now, Elly, this is gonna
be a man-to-man talk.

Uh, you know,
facts of life stuff.

Could be a might
salty for a young girl.

Yeah, Elly, you stay here.

Thank you, Granny.

Where you goin'?

I ain't too young to listen.

Now, Granny, you've done
forgot more than I'm likely to say.

I know. I'm hoping it'll
help me to remember.

You stay here.

I'm gonna have a hard
enough time as it is.

My... beloved... sweetheart.

(knocking on door)

Elly May, I told you
to stay out of here!

JED: It's me, boy.

Oh. Well, come on in, Uncle Jed.

That's my sweetie.

She sure is pretty.

I hope she's a nice sweet girl.

Oh, she is, Uncle Jed.

She's the girl of my dream.

My one and only lover lamb.

My true sweetheart.

JED: Looks like there's a
piece of somebody missing here.

Oh, that was some guy.

I tore him off.

I am crazy mad in
love with that girl.

Sure it's the real thing?

Oh, yes, sir. We's
gonna get married.

Married?

Yes, sir, I'm gonna
be Mr. Devine.

Sit down, boy.

So, uh, you've been seeing
a lot of this girl, have you?

Have I?

From 7:30 last night
till 3:00 this morning.

And, uh, what was
going on all this time?

Doggondest huggin' and kissin'
carrying on you ever did see.

I thought my bag of popcorn
was gonna catch on fire.

You was eatin' popcorn?

I was hungry.

Heck fire, I sat through
the movie six times.

Uh-huh. Well, uh,

have you seen much
of this girl in person?

I meet every day at the
front gate of the studio

rain or shine.

I got to get goi" right now.

She'll be looki" for me.

Well, uh, why don't
you fetch her home

so we could all meet her?

I'll ask her.

Kitty, baby!

You want to see me, Kitty?

You bet I do.

So help me, Jerry, if I
have to make one more

of these teenage surf
operas, I'm getting a new agent.

But, baby... No, I mean it.

I have done so
many beach scenes,

I have to vacuum
my hair at night

to get the sand out.

Now, sweetie...
Don't "sweetie" me!

I want a part where
I can play a woman,

a part that can make me a star.

But Mr. Chapman
thinks you're too young.

Go over his head.

Talk to that oil millionaire
who owns the studio, uh...

Clampett? He doesn't
have offices here.

I don't know where to find him.

You find him, buster,

or find yourself
another actress!

Okay, okay, okay.

(growling)

Why'd you get a vicious dog?

Protection.

Every time I drive
through the gate,

this, this big goofy
kid is waiting for me.

Well, have the guard
chase him away.

He could break the guard in two.

This kid is King
Kong in clothes.

He probably just
wants your autograph.

You think so, huh?

Get a load of this note

he tossed in my car yesterday.

"Dear sweetie,
let's get married.

"I have done
'gradiated' sixth grade

"and am ready to
be a brain surgeon.

"If you marry me, I
will operate on you free.

Love, Jethro Bodine."

Any comment?

Yeah, I'd get two dogs.

Are you back again?

When are you gonna
stop hanging around here?

Soon as my sweetie marries me.

Look, kid, you want
me to call the police?

Shucks, no. I don't
want to force her into it.

Now you better not

stand over there
and poke your hand

in her car today.
You'll draw back a stub.

Whatcha mean?

She's got a
four-footed meat grinder

riding shotgun.

Oh, yonder she comes.

Hey, I'd even be closer
to her over on this side.

Howdy, darlin'!

It's me, your sweetheart!
Will you marry me?

Get lost!

Oh, boy, when she looks at me,

I can feel it clean
down to my toes!

No wonder. She
ran over your foot.

Hot dog! I'll never
shine that shoe again!

(crowing)

Mornin', Granny, Elly May.

Morning, Pa. Morning.
Where's Jethro?

He's generally the
first one at the table.

He's been out in the
yard since daybreak.

Oh-oh, look out, here he comes.

Don't get 'twixt
him and the vittles.

Mornin', everybody!

JED: Jethro?

Yes, sir?

Ain't you gonna have breakfast?

Oh, no, thank ya.

I got to get down
to the studio gate

and be there when
my sweetie drives in.

Jethro passed up vittles?

Boy's in love, all right.

Is that how you tell
you're in love, Pa?

Well, they's all kind of
different ways of tellin', Elly.

I knew I was in
love with your ma

the first time I
kissed her good night.

You did?

Yep. Whilst we was kissin',

her dog bit a
chunk out of my leg

and I didn't find it
out till I got home.

(tires squealing)

Good mornin', Mr. Guard.

Hope my sweetie
ain't drove in yet.

Good mornin',
sweetheart. It's me, Jethro!

I love you!

Do you love me?

She does. Now she's
giving me flowers.

Hey, wait, wait!

What are you doing?!

Let's get married.

Listen, you creep, get lost!

Blow! Get out of
my life and stay out!

I never want to see you again!

Does that mean you
don't want to get married?

Sick him, Brutus!

(growling)

(barking)

Jethro, unlock this door!

I want to talk to ya!

Come on now,
stop acting foolish!

Get a rise out of him yet?

Maybe we had oughta
bust down the door.

I got Elly shinnying up the tree

beside his window.

She'll climb through and...

What's that, Jed?

My last will and testament.

I'm killing myself.

When?

Right now.

How are you doing it?

I'm starving to death.

Starving to death?

Yes, ma'am. I ain't
had no vittles all day.

Another few minutes,
and I'll be dead.

Jethro, get up off there
and stop talkin' foolish.

No, thank you, Uncle Jed.

I don't want to
live without Kitty.

Besides, I done willed
my brain to science.

Well, you might as well.
You sure ain't using it.

Oh, gee whiz, heck fire!

I asked her to marry me,

and she turned me down
and sicced her dog on me!

What else is there to
do except to kill myself?

Well, if you really loved
the girl, you could try again.

Sure, we'll help ya.

You will?

Of course. I'll whomp
you up a love charm.

I'll give you some
hints on courtin'.

Even let you wear
my courtin' derby.

Well, hot dog!

Is there anything I
can do fer ya, Jethro?

Uh, yeah.

You can give me some hints
on how to handle mean dogs.

And the loan of a pair of pants.

Kitty, listen to reason!

You can't just walk out
in the middle of a picture!

You watch me!

But, baby... Don't
call me "baby."

After six pictures,
I've had it up to here!

Surfboard Baby, Bikini
Baby, Muscle Beach Baby,

Muscle Beach A Go Go Baby.

Kitty, please.

No!

I've shared my last
close-up with a sand crab!

What are you talking about?!

You always have terrific love
scenes with your leading man.

You call those men?

Honey, they're the hottest
teenage idols around.

In your very first picture,
you had Dash Riprock.

Yeah, and then I
had Zip Granite,

Tab Strong, and then Race Burly.

But this new one is too much!

Bolt Upright?!

Kitty... Please!

They'll put you on suspension.

I told you yesterday, talk to
the man who owns the studio...

J.D. Clampett.

I'll try, sweetie.

Try hard!

Because Kitty is not going
back to that... sandbox!

Howdy.

Oh, it's me.

I come to court my sweetie and
take her home to meet my family.

Oh, you got to be kidding.

No, sirree.

This here's my Uncle
Jed's courting outfit.

Granny whomped
me up a love charm.

That there Miss
Kitty Devine and me

is as good as married right now.

Kitty, get back into
your bathing suit

and on that soundstage, quick.

You don't listen good, Jerry.

I told you to talk to...

Baby, you're through
telling anybody anything.

I got some bad news for you.

What? You know
that big goofy kid

who's been waiting
for you at the gate?

Yeah. You ran over his
foot, threw flowers in his face,

sicced your dog on him.

Yeah, yeah. What about it?!

His uncle owns the studio.

Clampett?! Clampett.

Now, I've managed to smooth
things over with the director,

but you've got just three
minutes to hit that beach.

Miss Devine, Miss
Devine, Miss Devine.

She's in a big hurry, Chet!

I just want to tell her
about that kid at the gate.

I just heard about it.

Do you want us to call the
police and have him taken away?

Taken away?! You
mean he's back?!

Yeah, in his Uncle
Jed's courting clothes.

He wants to take you
home, to meet his family.

(shrieks): Yoo-hoo!

Kitty?

What are you...?

Uh, Kitty. Kitty!

Kitty! Kitty!

Kitty!

Look, we don't want
any trouble around here.

Why don't you be a
nice boy and go home.

I will. Quick as my
sweetie gets here.

'Cause she's coming with me.

Kid, face it, she can't
stand the sight of you.

Oh, that was before
I had my love charm.

Oh, excuse me. Yonder she comes.

I got to be ready.

Howdy, sweetie!

Hello, darling, angel boy!

I love you.

I adore and worship you!

See what I mean?!

Oh, come on, sweetheart,

let's go home and
meet your family.

Hey, kid!

How do I get one of
those love charms?!

Well, darling, this is it.

(whistles)

Hey, kid.

Oh, I-I mean, sweetheart.

This is quite a place
you've got here.

Oh-oh, it ain't mine; it
belongs to my Uncle Jed.

Uh, is he the one
who owns the studio?

Well, yeah!

But how did you know about that?

Oh. (chuckles)

Just a wild guess.

Sweetheart.

Well, and who might
this young lady be?

She's Miss Kitty Devine.

The girl that called me a creep,

run over my foot and
sicced her dog on me.

My sweetheart!

Oh! Well, howdy, ma'am.

Hi.

Oh, this here's my Uncle Jed.

You are?

Yes, ma'am, Jed Clampett.

Oh!

Well, I...

I'm mighty glad to see you
and Jethro hit it off so fine.

The boy is, uh,
surpassin' fond of you,

and, uh, I know
that you must, uh,

feel the same way about him.

Oh, Jethro, uh, I'm
sorry you didn't tell me

that Miss Devine
worked in my studio.

I might have brought
you together a lot quicker.

I didn't want her to
fall for me just 'cause

you own the studio
and had lots of money.

Now I know she
loves me for myself.

Ain't that right, darling?

Darling?

Hey, sugar! Uh, what?

I was saying you
love me for myself.

Ain't that right?

Oh, sure, kid!

Oh, sweetheart.

Well, this must be
Jethro's intended.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, sweetie, this
here's my Granny

and my cousin Elly May.

This here's Miss Kitty Devine.

Hi, there.

Howdy.

Pleased to meet you.

Same here.

Are you and Jethro
gonna get married?

You betcha we are.

So this is the girl

you're aiming to
tote over the doorsill.

Is that what you do
when you get married?

Yep!

Yee-haw!

Yi-pee!

Now we's married!

I reckon I hadn't better put
off that long talk no longer.

(engine stops)

(growling, barks)

Now... now, wait a minute.

You bit me when I got in.

Now at least, let me get out?

(barking)

Now, look, look, look.

I'm-I'm just a skinny agent.

Now, let me go, and when
we get back to the studio,

I'll get you a
nice, fat producer.

(growling)

Miss Devine!

Miss Devine!

We's busy, Elly.

We's having woman-to-woman talk.

What did you want, Elly?

Well, I just thought you
might like to go swimming.

Judging from them
pictures up in Jethro's room,

you's right fond of it.

Thanks, Elly, but I've
worn my last bathing suit.

Well, I got one that'll fit you.

No, thanks.

You reckon Jethro
would like to go?

Now, don't bother him, Elly.

He's finally having that
man-to-man talk with your pa.

Now, you run along and
swim with your critters.

Yes'm.

Now, Kitty, come
on in and set awhile.

We'll pick up from
where we left off.

But, Granny, I'm very
anxious to see Mr. Clampett.

Don't you think we've had
enough woman-to-woman talk?

No, sirree.

There's still a lot of
things you ain't told me.

(chuckles)

(dog barking)

Nice, nice, nice,
nice, nice, nice.

(growling)

I'll make you a deal.

(barking)

Let me out, and I'll
put you in pictures.

(growling)

(barking)

You could be very big.

You got more teeth
than Kirk Douglas.

This your dog, Mister?

Look out, he's a man-eater.

Well, I ain't no man.

Hey.

You ain't at that.

Who are you?

Elly May Clampett.

Clampett.

Is J.D. Clampett
by any chance...

Why, he's my pa!

Well, well, well.

I'm sorry, Uncle Jed, but
I am so doggone hungry

I wasn't hearing a word
of your man-to-man talk.

I kind of figured that.

I am starving!

It is the shank of the day,

and I ain't even
had breakfast yet.

I understand.

If I don't eat right now,

I'm gonna drop down
dead right here on the floor.

Now, calm down, boy.

You can eat whilst
I'm talking to you.

Thank you.

Well, I reckon I'd best
commence at the beginning again.

Jethro... love and marriage...

Love and marriage
(loud crunching)

can be the most beautiful...

(loud crunching)

Jethro.

Huh?

Look at me, boy.

Oh, yes, sir.

(loud crunching)

Love and marriage can be

the most beautiful
thing in this life.

Especially if it's true
love with the right girl.

Now, true love...
(loud crunching)

(loud crunching)

Now, true love is more than just

liking a pretty face.

The girl has got to have
beauty of soul and...

(loud crunching)

The girl has got to have
beauty of soul and spirit and...

Jethro, could you stop chomping

on them flakes
for just a minute?

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

(clears throat)

So, you got to
listen to your head

as well as to your heart.

Oh, your heart is
probably singing

sweet, tender love songs.

(loud chewing)

Want a bite?

No, thank you.

I'll talk to you later.

What'd you say?

I say I'll wait till
you're done eating

to do my talking.

Don't bother me.

I noticed that.

I'll wait for you outside.

Oh, I'll be out
quick as I finish

breakfast, lunch and a snack!

Now I'm gonna
learn you a few things

like how to sling
chitlins and... Jethro!

I thought you was upstairs
with your Uncle Jed.

I was, Granny, but I got hungry.

Uncle Jed's waiting outside.

Hey, sit down, sweetie,
and have some vittles.

Oh, howdy, Miss Kitty.

Uh, Jethro's right yonder
in the kitchen there.

Yes, I know.

But I'd like to join you.

May I?

Well, uh, you bet you can.

Uh, uh, uh, set right down here.

(sighs)

Fond of whittling, are you?

Well, what I'd
like to do is talk.

Well, talking and whittling
goes good together.

(chuckles)

Okay.

You whittle, and I'll talk.

Well, I think I'll
fetch another knife.

Uh, Mr. Clampett.

The people at your studio

don't seem to think I'm a woman.

The dickens you say.

Maybe I could convince you.

Well, I believe you.

But they don't.

How about it, Elly May?

Would you like to be in movies?

Well, I do like the notion

of working with all
those swimming critters.

With what?

All them seals and porpoises
and fish you was talking about.

Oh, yeah, in the
surfer pictures.

And you'd also be working
with Dash Riprock, Bolt Upright

and my new discovery,
Crunch Hardtack.

What kind of critters is they?

They's handsome
movie actor critters.

Yonder comes my pa!

I'll ask him can I do it!

Pa, can I be in movies
over to your studio?

Sure, Elly May.

Well-Well, they's in a hurry.

Do I have to put on a dress?

Ah, them Hollywood
fellas don't know women

when they seem them no how.

(whistles)

Mr. Clampett!
Mr. Clampett, wait!

I believe you! I believe you!

What in the blue Nick
is going on out here?!

Granny, I done
finished breakfast.

Can I have lunch now?

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.