The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 14 - Clampett General Hospital - full transcript
♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
Chief, Chief...
Oh, Miss Hathaway, how do
you like this drapery material?
Isn't it a cheerful design?
Chief... I'm going to have the
whole office done in money green.
A very restful color.
Chief, get a grip on yourself.
Something-something
terrible has happened.
The bank's been robbed?
No, it's your wife.
My wife's been robbed?
No, it's worse than that.
The bank and my
wife have been robbed?
Mr. Drysdale, it does
not concern money.
Don't scare me like that.
Listen to me, please.
Your wife has disappeared.
Oh, no, she hasn't.
She's in the hospital
for her nerves.
You know, there's nothing
wrong with her really.
She just went in to spite me.
Said it was a protest against
the Clampetts living next door.
She even had a psychiatrist
fly out from New York.
Charged me 200 bucks
a day plus transportation.
Chief, your wife has
disappeared from the hospital.
Well, she probably went home.
And high time, too.
That room was costing
me 75 bucks a day.
Mrs. Drysdale did not go home.
No one knows where she is.
Are you serious?
Absolutely. Your
wife is missing.
She vanished from
her hospital room.
And her mattress with her.
Well, let's get over there!
Elly May, get that
critter off of her.
Yes'm, Granny.
Is she still sleepin'?
Sound as a log.
Take her up to the
bedroom next to mine.
We'll have her well in no time.
Now, Elly, you got to
nurse Mrs. Drysdale.
'Cause I got medicine to
make and doctorin' to do.
Yes'm, Granny.
Skipper and Cousin
Bessie can help me.
Skipper, fetch in Cousin Bessie.
Well, they'll be better help
then them goomers
at the hospital.
How's it comin', Doctor?
Slow, slow.
But then it don't pay to hurry
when you're mixin' medicine.
That's a fact.
Well, Jethro's found you a
dandy mud dauber's nest. Oh?
Yeah, Granny, look at this.
JED: It's a 19-holer.
A 19-holer.
There's a heap of
curin' in that rascal.
Granny, Mrs. Drysdale's
commencin' to wake up.
Well, it's about time.
She's been sleepin'
ever since we fetched
her home from the hospital.
You don't reckon she's
got the purple drowsies?
I won't know for sure
until I examine her.
Uh-oh. I'm pretty near out of
my all-purpose, throat-gargle,
mouthwash and germ-killer.
I'll get you some more, Granny.
Oh, uh, where you
hidin' the still now?
Oh, yeah.
It's down in the bushes
by the cement pond.
I'll draw you off
about four fingers.
Now let's see...
Have I got everything I
need to give Mrs. Drysdale
a complete and thorough,
scientific, medical examination?
Buzzard foot, fever finder,
dried newt skin, asafitidy bag,
left hind shoe of
a spavined mule.
I'm ready.
Don't forget your
mud dauber's nest.
I'll put that right next to
my powdered bat wings
and dried beetles.
Gee, Granny, you sure do
make me want to be a doctor.
It could happen, Jethro,
but generally speakin',
I don't hold to the idea
of men bein' doctors.
The Clampett house?!
Oh, it can't be!
I went to the hospital
to get away from them!
Doctor!
Nurse!
We's comin', honey.
Oh, no!
Rest easy, Mrs. Drysdale.
Granny's here to doctor you.
What am I doing here?
How did I get out
of the hospital?
They throwed you out.
What?
Right out the window.
Mattress and all.
We found you layin' in
the bushes sound asleep.
Uncle Jed and me hefted
your mattress onto the truck
and brung you home so
Granny can take care of you.
You didn't even wake up.
Speakin' of that
mattress, Jethro,
I reckon we ought to
take it back to the hospital.
Granny's got it
sunnin' in the yard.
I'll put it on the truck
and wait for you out front.
Here's your germ-killer, Granny.
How you feelin', Mrs. Drysdale?
I'm so confused.
Please call my husband.
I've been tryin' to do
that, but he ain't at home
and he ain't at the bank.
Nor Miss Jane neither.
Could he be at the hospital?
Oh, I hope not.
That's a terrible place.
They's awful unfriendly.
Why, we had to climb
up the fire escape
to come and see you.
Reckon Jethro and me
will have to get that mattress
back in your room the same way.
Well, take good care of her.
We will, Pa.
If only I weren't so
groggy and sleepy.
I bet ya them hospital
doctors give her somethin',
like they's always
doin' on television.
Don't you worry,
honey, we ain't gonna let
them squirrelly TV
quacks get you again.
A real doctor's gonna
be treatin' you now.
Here, take this
spavined mule shoe.
That's right.
Let me out of this madhouse!
That poor woman
thinks she's still back
in that hospital.
As head of this hospital,
I hold you responsible!
Calm down, Mr. Drysdale.
I assure you we
will solve the mystery
of your wife's disappearance.
How can a 132-pound
woman suddenly disappear?
You need a
lost-and-found department.
And what do you
think you're doing?
Making deductions, Chief.
I'm somewhat of an
amateur detective.
Aw, baloney.
If you want to do something,
get my lawyer over here.
Can we discuss
this in my office?
Now we're launching a
full-scale investigation.
And I am launching
a full-scale lawsuit!
No wonder you
doctors wear masks.
75 bucks a day for this room
and my wife isn't even in it.
Now I want my money back.
Mr. Drysdale, your
wife will be found
and returned to you.
I didn't ask for that.
I asked for my money back.
Fine hospital you're running.
You didn't help matters any
when you dismissed
your wife's specialist
and sent him back to New York.
He was charging me 200 bucks
a day and she wasn't even sick!
Will you lower your voice.
I'll do that when you
guys lower your rates!
Situation... Mrs. Drysdale
was under sedation
and therefore could
not walk to the window.
Supposition...
She must have been
carried on her mattress.
Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.
Howdy, Miss Jane.
We figured the
hospital would be lookin'
for Mrs. Drysdale's mattress.
But how did you get it?
We found it down
yonder in the bushes
and her on it sound asleep.
We figured the hospital folks
throwed her out the window.
So we fetched her home
and Granny put her to bed.
She's at your house?
Safe and sound.
And gettin' treated a heap
better than she did here.
Every time we come
to visit her here,
they had this room
dark and gloomy.
Yeah, so the first thing we
done was to open the window
and move the bed up to it
so she could see out
when she woke up.
JED: Well, come on,
boy, Granny needs us.
Oh, tell Mr. Drysdale not
to worry about his wife.
I never did find out what
these here buttons were for.
Well, like I said before,
boy, leave 'em alone.
Come on. Bye, Miss Jane.
So that's what happened.
Jethro pushed
the control buttons.
Of course, of course.
Well, naturally I'm glad my
wife is safe at the Clampetts.
But I'm not swallowing
that cock-and-bull story
about her being "launched"
out the window by Jethro.
But, Chief... I'm suing this
hospital for a bundle and that's that!
Help me move the bed to the
window and I'll demonstrate.
And I'll demonstrate
that you don't know
what you're talking about.
(knocking)
Oh, Miss Hathaway,
I've just located the nurse
who was on duty at the time
of Mrs. Drysdale's
disappearance...
So it raises the bed. So what?
And I'm sure we can... Hey!
Press the button that
stops this thing before I...
(yelling)
See that, Jethro?
No. What?
They just chucked
another one out the window.
No. Yeah.
Boy, they's a mean bunch.
For a fact they are.
You couldn't get
me in that hospital
for no amount of money.
Oh, how is he, Doctor?
Oh, he's fine.
It's just a sprain,
but the way he
threatens lawsuits,
I'm not taking any chances.
This is ridiculous!
You're just trying
to get my money!
No, I'm just trying to keep
you from getting mine.
Rest easy, Chief.
I'm going up to the Clampetts
now with Dr. Sanders
to get Mrs. Drysdale.
What?
I'll see that she gets
the room next to this one.
Now wait a minute. What for?
She's all right.
Well, I have to
make sure of that.
She too fell from this window.
Yeah, but she's
got more padding.
Nevertheless, she is
still my responsibility.
She has never been officially
discharged from this hospital.
You're just trying to hook
me for another $75 a day!
I want my lawyer!
Better put the truck
under cover, Jethro.
Sun's commencin'
to fade the paint.
Yes, sir.
(screams)
Why, Mrs. Drysdale,
where you goin'?
I'm going back to the hospital.
Oh, now you don't
want to go back there.
They is chuckin' folks out
the window right and left.
What's goin' on?
What's she doi" out of bed?
I want to go back
to the hospital.
The hospital?!
I don't think she knows
what she's sayin', Granny.
I reckon that fall
out the window
shook a few jars off the shelf.
I was just my way up
to give her some
nerve quietener.
Open wide, Mrs. Drysdale.
(screaming)
Fetch the poor thing back, Jed.
You better give her a
double dose when I do.
Her nerves is tighter
than the high string
on a two dollar fiddle.
Look who was makin' a
beeline to the back door.
Put me down, you Neanderthal!
Want I should tote her
upstairs and lock her in?
No, hold her there.
When she gets a
spoonful of my nerve tonic
she'll be as quiet as a kitten.
I refuse to swallow one
drop of your witch's brew!
Here, Jed.
When she opens her
mouth wide, spoon it in.
I have no intention
of opening my mouth!
(screaming)
There you are.
You can put her
down now, Jethro.
But she'll run away.
No, she won't, Jethro.
Granny's nerve tonic's
got a mighty soothing effect.
Okay.
I'm going home
and call the police
and have you all put away!
See? I told you.
Don't worry. She won't run far.
Ohh! Whee!
Whee!
You got her floating, Granny.
Reckon this stuff's a
mite strong for city folks?
Appears so.
I'd better call her in 'fore
she goes over the wall.
Come on back, Miz Drysdale!
Come in to Granny!
Coming, Granny!
I'm Tinkerbell!
Doctor, it might be best
if I went in alone to
get Mrs. Drysdale.
Oh? Any particular reason?
Several. None of which you
would understand at this point.
Sorry, Bessie, but Granny says
you can't be Miz
Drysdale's nurse no more.
You let her get away once.
(knocking on door)
Oh, howdy, there, Miss Jane.
Somebody with you?
Yes, but I'm afraid
this little nurse
is one of the things he
might not understand.
Where is Mrs. Drysdale?
Upstairs, in the
room next to Granny's.
Where is Granny?
Oh, out back. Want
me to go and fetch her?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'll talk to her later.
"M"... "D."
Oh, howdy. Are you a doctor?
That's right.
I knowed that's what "M.D."
meant... "Mister Doctor."
And them snakes
on that there stick.
I'm going to be a brain surgeon.
Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
Where are you studying medicine?
In the kitchen, mostly.
In the kitchen?
Yeah. That's where
Granny makes her medicine.
She's the one I'm
studying doctoring from.
Oh, yes. Your
grandmother is a doctor.
Oh, greatest they is!
You ought to see what
she done for Mrs. Drysdale!
Well, just what did she
do for Mrs. Drysdale?
Loosened her nerves to where
they was like a
bunch of wet noodles!
Hey, how would you
like to meet Granny?
I would like that very much.
Well, she's out
back. I'll go fetch her.
Come on, now. That's it.
My name is Tinkerbell.
I can fly!
Oh, boy!
Hey, where you
taking Miz Drysdale?
Dr. Sanders is taking
her back to the hospital.
Well, I'd best go fetch Granny.
Granny!
Granny!
Up we go, out the door...
Miss Hathaway, what is going on?
Doctor, give me a hand,
and let's get out of here.
But I was about to meet a
character named Granny.
That's why we have
to get out of here.
Hey, Granny! Yeah?
Granny, come quick! Granny!
Granny! Hey, Granny!
Granny! I'm getting dizzy.
Hey, there's a doctor
waiting out front to see you.
And Miss Jane
says another doctor's
taking Miz Drysdale
back to the hospital!
We're overrun with the varmints!
Jed, them hospital doctors
has got Miz Drysdale again!
That ain't all. They
got Mr. Drysdale, too!
No! I just heard
about it next door.
We got to get down
there and save them!
Follow me!
The truck is out...
Well, never mind.
Come on, young'uns.
We'll pick her up on the fly.
Well, Chief, your
wife is safely in bed.
There's no such thing as being
safely in bed in this hospital!
And I thought they were going
to put her in the next room here.
They did.
They did not.
There's some nut in there who
keeps saying she's Tinkerbell!
That is your wife.
My wife?
No wonder she fell out of
the window. She's juiced.
No, Chief. It's
something Granny gives
that seems to induce a state of
complete rapture and relaxation.
The hospital
technicians are trying
to determine what it could be.
Well, when they find
out, get me a double.
Well, Mr. Drysdale,
how are we feeling now?
Oh, no! Oh, no!
You're not going
to operate on me!
Let me out of here!
Wait. Wait. Relax.
Relax, Mr. Drysdale.
I have just come from observing
one of our young residents
perform his first appendectomy.
I don't do surgery anymore.
The heck you don't!
You've already removed
the better part of my wallet!
Now, let me out of here!
I've got to get back to the bank
and get this guy's
ransom money ready!
I still say it ain't fitting
for a doctor of my standing
to have to climb through
the window like a sneak thief!
Well, let's face it, Granny.
This hospital is a
mighty peculiar place.
The quicker we get Mr. and
Mrs. Drysdale out of it, the better.
Well, where do you
reckon they are?
Well, come on. We'll find them.
Bingo! Miz
Drysdale's in this one!
Well, likely Mr. Drysdale's
in the next one.
JANE: Right, Chief.
I'll take care of it.
See you later, Doctor.
What are you doing here?
We come to fetch Mr. And
Mrs. Drysdale out of here.
Oh, you can't do that!
They're under the
care of Dr. Sanders.
They're under the
care of Dr. Granny!
Shh! You'll be in trouble
if you're so much
as seen on this floor!
Miss Hathaway, who
are these people?
What are they doing here?
We's the Clampetts, ma'am.
We come to fetch the...
Laundry! The laundry.
Here. I'll... I'll show
them where it is.
Here we go. Thank you, Nurse.
Right inside. There we are.
They're, uh...
they're charity cases.
Dr. Sanders is trying
to help them out.
All right, all right!
Oh, Miss Hathaway,
I'm glad you're still here.
That boss of yours is too
much for me. He's leaving.
You're releasing him?
Releasing him?
I'm throwing him out!
By doggies, I
was afraid of that.
Now they's fixing to throw
poor Mr. Drysdale out!
And his wife will
be right behind him.
We didn't get here
a minute too soon.
It's going to be a mite tricky
getting him down
that fire escape.
Well, you and Jethro can
stand under the window,
and Granny and me
will drop them to you.
No more fire escape for me.
I'm going out the front door
like a brain surgeon had oughta.
Where did you get that?
They's a whole shelf
of them over yonder.
Boy, I think you come
up with a great idea!
Thank you.
What is it?
Never mind.
Miss Hathaway, come to
the cashier's office with me.
I want you to approve every
item on that skinflint's bill.
Oh, Nurse, get that wheelchair
ready for Mr. Drysdale.
Yes, Doctor. Come
along, Miss Hathaway.
Well, couldn't we go later?
Now, please!
You know, I'll bet
he would go all
the way to Africa
just to get free treatment
from Schweitzer!
Now, wait a minute!
Sanders promised. No surgery!
He said I could leave!
Don't touch me!
Quieten down, Mr. Drysdale.
Yeah. It's us!
We's come to get you out.
Oh, you gave me a fright.
Your nerves on edge, is they?
I'll say they are.
Open wide.
What was that?
Nerve quietener.
Now, get him in
the wheelchair, Jed.
Elly and me will
fetch Miz Drysdale.
Like as not, she
needs a booster by now.
I'm Tinkerbell!
(humming happily)
Hello, Doctor.
Howdy.
Howdy?
I assure you there is no
cause for concern, Doctor.
Two patients have been
spirited out of my hospital.
I call that cause for concern.
We're not sure
the Clampetts did it.
And, besides, you were
ready to release Mr. Drysdale.
Well, yes, but not into the
custody of a witch doctor.
Now, there is some medical
hanky-panky going on
at the Clampetts, and
I intend to look into it.
It's nothing. You'll see.
Oh, Granny practices a
little "mountain medicine."
You know... harmless
home remedies.
Well, if what she gave
Mrs. Drysdale was a sample,
she can be arrested as a pusher!
Now, Doctor!
Why, that stuff made our
tranquilizers look like... like pep pills!
Well, I assure you it is all
perfectly legal and harmless.
And, besides, Granny confines
her cures to her own family.
Oh, she does?
Take a look at that.
Well, I... I wonder
how that got there.
Well, I suggest we
drive in and find out.
Yes.
Jethro!
Let's get these contraptions
back to the hospital.
Won't Granny need
them for her hospital?
They don't belong to us.
Neither does that
outfit you're wearing.
Well, I like it.
It makes me feel
like a real doctor.
Bring the truck around.
And we ain't keeping
nothing that don't belong to us.
That sign out front
must be a prank.
You'll see. They're just
simple, fun-loving hillbilly folk.
Oh. Howdy, Miss
Jane. Howdy, Doctor!
Well, that simple,
fun-loving kid
is studying brain
surgery in the kitchen.
Hi, there.
Oh. This here's Cousin Elly.
And this is Cousin Bessie.
She used to be a nurse.
A nurse? Oh, no!
What ghastly experiments
are they conducting in there?
You'd best get your car
out of the way, Miss Jane.
The Drysdales are loose again!
Come on, young-uns, inside,
and help Granny
and me catch them.
(tires screeching)
You know, I just
don't believe it.
They've gone way beyond
my medical knowledge.
I just hope the
AMA can handle this.
Never mind the net, Granny.
The Drysdales is floating back.
I'm Tinkerbell!
And I'm Peter Pan!
(theme song playing)
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
Chief, Chief...
Oh, Miss Hathaway, how do
you like this drapery material?
Isn't it a cheerful design?
Chief... I'm going to have the
whole office done in money green.
A very restful color.
Chief, get a grip on yourself.
Something-something
terrible has happened.
The bank's been robbed?
No, it's your wife.
My wife's been robbed?
No, it's worse than that.
The bank and my
wife have been robbed?
Mr. Drysdale, it does
not concern money.
Don't scare me like that.
Listen to me, please.
Your wife has disappeared.
Oh, no, she hasn't.
She's in the hospital
for her nerves.
You know, there's nothing
wrong with her really.
She just went in to spite me.
Said it was a protest against
the Clampetts living next door.
She even had a psychiatrist
fly out from New York.
Charged me 200 bucks
a day plus transportation.
Chief, your wife has
disappeared from the hospital.
Well, she probably went home.
And high time, too.
That room was costing
me 75 bucks a day.
Mrs. Drysdale did not go home.
No one knows where she is.
Are you serious?
Absolutely. Your
wife is missing.
She vanished from
her hospital room.
And her mattress with her.
Well, let's get over there!
Elly May, get that
critter off of her.
Yes'm, Granny.
Is she still sleepin'?
Sound as a log.
Take her up to the
bedroom next to mine.
We'll have her well in no time.
Now, Elly, you got to
nurse Mrs. Drysdale.
'Cause I got medicine to
make and doctorin' to do.
Yes'm, Granny.
Skipper and Cousin
Bessie can help me.
Skipper, fetch in Cousin Bessie.
Well, they'll be better help
then them goomers
at the hospital.
How's it comin', Doctor?
Slow, slow.
But then it don't pay to hurry
when you're mixin' medicine.
That's a fact.
Well, Jethro's found you a
dandy mud dauber's nest. Oh?
Yeah, Granny, look at this.
JED: It's a 19-holer.
A 19-holer.
There's a heap of
curin' in that rascal.
Granny, Mrs. Drysdale's
commencin' to wake up.
Well, it's about time.
She's been sleepin'
ever since we fetched
her home from the hospital.
You don't reckon she's
got the purple drowsies?
I won't know for sure
until I examine her.
Uh-oh. I'm pretty near out of
my all-purpose, throat-gargle,
mouthwash and germ-killer.
I'll get you some more, Granny.
Oh, uh, where you
hidin' the still now?
Oh, yeah.
It's down in the bushes
by the cement pond.
I'll draw you off
about four fingers.
Now let's see...
Have I got everything I
need to give Mrs. Drysdale
a complete and thorough,
scientific, medical examination?
Buzzard foot, fever finder,
dried newt skin, asafitidy bag,
left hind shoe of
a spavined mule.
I'm ready.
Don't forget your
mud dauber's nest.
I'll put that right next to
my powdered bat wings
and dried beetles.
Gee, Granny, you sure do
make me want to be a doctor.
It could happen, Jethro,
but generally speakin',
I don't hold to the idea
of men bein' doctors.
The Clampett house?!
Oh, it can't be!
I went to the hospital
to get away from them!
Doctor!
Nurse!
We's comin', honey.
Oh, no!
Rest easy, Mrs. Drysdale.
Granny's here to doctor you.
What am I doing here?
How did I get out
of the hospital?
They throwed you out.
What?
Right out the window.
Mattress and all.
We found you layin' in
the bushes sound asleep.
Uncle Jed and me hefted
your mattress onto the truck
and brung you home so
Granny can take care of you.
You didn't even wake up.
Speakin' of that
mattress, Jethro,
I reckon we ought to
take it back to the hospital.
Granny's got it
sunnin' in the yard.
I'll put it on the truck
and wait for you out front.
Here's your germ-killer, Granny.
How you feelin', Mrs. Drysdale?
I'm so confused.
Please call my husband.
I've been tryin' to do
that, but he ain't at home
and he ain't at the bank.
Nor Miss Jane neither.
Could he be at the hospital?
Oh, I hope not.
That's a terrible place.
They's awful unfriendly.
Why, we had to climb
up the fire escape
to come and see you.
Reckon Jethro and me
will have to get that mattress
back in your room the same way.
Well, take good care of her.
We will, Pa.
If only I weren't so
groggy and sleepy.
I bet ya them hospital
doctors give her somethin',
like they's always
doin' on television.
Don't you worry,
honey, we ain't gonna let
them squirrelly TV
quacks get you again.
A real doctor's gonna
be treatin' you now.
Here, take this
spavined mule shoe.
That's right.
Let me out of this madhouse!
That poor woman
thinks she's still back
in that hospital.
As head of this hospital,
I hold you responsible!
Calm down, Mr. Drysdale.
I assure you we
will solve the mystery
of your wife's disappearance.
How can a 132-pound
woman suddenly disappear?
You need a
lost-and-found department.
And what do you
think you're doing?
Making deductions, Chief.
I'm somewhat of an
amateur detective.
Aw, baloney.
If you want to do something,
get my lawyer over here.
Can we discuss
this in my office?
Now we're launching a
full-scale investigation.
And I am launching
a full-scale lawsuit!
No wonder you
doctors wear masks.
75 bucks a day for this room
and my wife isn't even in it.
Now I want my money back.
Mr. Drysdale, your
wife will be found
and returned to you.
I didn't ask for that.
I asked for my money back.
Fine hospital you're running.
You didn't help matters any
when you dismissed
your wife's specialist
and sent him back to New York.
He was charging me 200 bucks
a day and she wasn't even sick!
Will you lower your voice.
I'll do that when you
guys lower your rates!
Situation... Mrs. Drysdale
was under sedation
and therefore could
not walk to the window.
Supposition...
She must have been
carried on her mattress.
Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.
Howdy, Miss Jane.
We figured the
hospital would be lookin'
for Mrs. Drysdale's mattress.
But how did you get it?
We found it down
yonder in the bushes
and her on it sound asleep.
We figured the hospital folks
throwed her out the window.
So we fetched her home
and Granny put her to bed.
She's at your house?
Safe and sound.
And gettin' treated a heap
better than she did here.
Every time we come
to visit her here,
they had this room
dark and gloomy.
Yeah, so the first thing we
done was to open the window
and move the bed up to it
so she could see out
when she woke up.
JED: Well, come on,
boy, Granny needs us.
Oh, tell Mr. Drysdale not
to worry about his wife.
I never did find out what
these here buttons were for.
Well, like I said before,
boy, leave 'em alone.
Come on. Bye, Miss Jane.
So that's what happened.
Jethro pushed
the control buttons.
Of course, of course.
Well, naturally I'm glad my
wife is safe at the Clampetts.
But I'm not swallowing
that cock-and-bull story
about her being "launched"
out the window by Jethro.
But, Chief... I'm suing this
hospital for a bundle and that's that!
Help me move the bed to the
window and I'll demonstrate.
And I'll demonstrate
that you don't know
what you're talking about.
(knocking)
Oh, Miss Hathaway,
I've just located the nurse
who was on duty at the time
of Mrs. Drysdale's
disappearance...
So it raises the bed. So what?
And I'm sure we can... Hey!
Press the button that
stops this thing before I...
(yelling)
See that, Jethro?
No. What?
They just chucked
another one out the window.
No. Yeah.
Boy, they's a mean bunch.
For a fact they are.
You couldn't get
me in that hospital
for no amount of money.
Oh, how is he, Doctor?
Oh, he's fine.
It's just a sprain,
but the way he
threatens lawsuits,
I'm not taking any chances.
This is ridiculous!
You're just trying
to get my money!
No, I'm just trying to keep
you from getting mine.
Rest easy, Chief.
I'm going up to the Clampetts
now with Dr. Sanders
to get Mrs. Drysdale.
What?
I'll see that she gets
the room next to this one.
Now wait a minute. What for?
She's all right.
Well, I have to
make sure of that.
She too fell from this window.
Yeah, but she's
got more padding.
Nevertheless, she is
still my responsibility.
She has never been officially
discharged from this hospital.
You're just trying to hook
me for another $75 a day!
I want my lawyer!
Better put the truck
under cover, Jethro.
Sun's commencin'
to fade the paint.
Yes, sir.
(screams)
Why, Mrs. Drysdale,
where you goin'?
I'm going back to the hospital.
Oh, now you don't
want to go back there.
They is chuckin' folks out
the window right and left.
What's goin' on?
What's she doi" out of bed?
I want to go back
to the hospital.
The hospital?!
I don't think she knows
what she's sayin', Granny.
I reckon that fall
out the window
shook a few jars off the shelf.
I was just my way up
to give her some
nerve quietener.
Open wide, Mrs. Drysdale.
(screaming)
Fetch the poor thing back, Jed.
You better give her a
double dose when I do.
Her nerves is tighter
than the high string
on a two dollar fiddle.
Look who was makin' a
beeline to the back door.
Put me down, you Neanderthal!
Want I should tote her
upstairs and lock her in?
No, hold her there.
When she gets a
spoonful of my nerve tonic
she'll be as quiet as a kitten.
I refuse to swallow one
drop of your witch's brew!
Here, Jed.
When she opens her
mouth wide, spoon it in.
I have no intention
of opening my mouth!
(screaming)
There you are.
You can put her
down now, Jethro.
But she'll run away.
No, she won't, Jethro.
Granny's nerve tonic's
got a mighty soothing effect.
Okay.
I'm going home
and call the police
and have you all put away!
See? I told you.
Don't worry. She won't run far.
Ohh! Whee!
Whee!
You got her floating, Granny.
Reckon this stuff's a
mite strong for city folks?
Appears so.
I'd better call her in 'fore
she goes over the wall.
Come on back, Miz Drysdale!
Come in to Granny!
Coming, Granny!
I'm Tinkerbell!
Doctor, it might be best
if I went in alone to
get Mrs. Drysdale.
Oh? Any particular reason?
Several. None of which you
would understand at this point.
Sorry, Bessie, but Granny says
you can't be Miz
Drysdale's nurse no more.
You let her get away once.
(knocking on door)
Oh, howdy, there, Miss Jane.
Somebody with you?
Yes, but I'm afraid
this little nurse
is one of the things he
might not understand.
Where is Mrs. Drysdale?
Upstairs, in the
room next to Granny's.
Where is Granny?
Oh, out back. Want
me to go and fetch her?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'll talk to her later.
"M"... "D."
Oh, howdy. Are you a doctor?
That's right.
I knowed that's what "M.D."
meant... "Mister Doctor."
And them snakes
on that there stick.
I'm going to be a brain surgeon.
Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
Where are you studying medicine?
In the kitchen, mostly.
In the kitchen?
Yeah. That's where
Granny makes her medicine.
She's the one I'm
studying doctoring from.
Oh, yes. Your
grandmother is a doctor.
Oh, greatest they is!
You ought to see what
she done for Mrs. Drysdale!
Well, just what did she
do for Mrs. Drysdale?
Loosened her nerves to where
they was like a
bunch of wet noodles!
Hey, how would you
like to meet Granny?
I would like that very much.
Well, she's out
back. I'll go fetch her.
Come on, now. That's it.
My name is Tinkerbell.
I can fly!
Oh, boy!
Hey, where you
taking Miz Drysdale?
Dr. Sanders is taking
her back to the hospital.
Well, I'd best go fetch Granny.
Granny!
Granny!
Up we go, out the door...
Miss Hathaway, what is going on?
Doctor, give me a hand,
and let's get out of here.
But I was about to meet a
character named Granny.
That's why we have
to get out of here.
Hey, Granny! Yeah?
Granny, come quick! Granny!
Granny! Hey, Granny!
Granny! I'm getting dizzy.
Hey, there's a doctor
waiting out front to see you.
And Miss Jane
says another doctor's
taking Miz Drysdale
back to the hospital!
We're overrun with the varmints!
Jed, them hospital doctors
has got Miz Drysdale again!
That ain't all. They
got Mr. Drysdale, too!
No! I just heard
about it next door.
We got to get down
there and save them!
Follow me!
The truck is out...
Well, never mind.
Come on, young'uns.
We'll pick her up on the fly.
Well, Chief, your
wife is safely in bed.
There's no such thing as being
safely in bed in this hospital!
And I thought they were going
to put her in the next room here.
They did.
They did not.
There's some nut in there who
keeps saying she's Tinkerbell!
That is your wife.
My wife?
No wonder she fell out of
the window. She's juiced.
No, Chief. It's
something Granny gives
that seems to induce a state of
complete rapture and relaxation.
The hospital
technicians are trying
to determine what it could be.
Well, when they find
out, get me a double.
Well, Mr. Drysdale,
how are we feeling now?
Oh, no! Oh, no!
You're not going
to operate on me!
Let me out of here!
Wait. Wait. Relax.
Relax, Mr. Drysdale.
I have just come from observing
one of our young residents
perform his first appendectomy.
I don't do surgery anymore.
The heck you don't!
You've already removed
the better part of my wallet!
Now, let me out of here!
I've got to get back to the bank
and get this guy's
ransom money ready!
I still say it ain't fitting
for a doctor of my standing
to have to climb through
the window like a sneak thief!
Well, let's face it, Granny.
This hospital is a
mighty peculiar place.
The quicker we get Mr. and
Mrs. Drysdale out of it, the better.
Well, where do you
reckon they are?
Well, come on. We'll find them.
Bingo! Miz
Drysdale's in this one!
Well, likely Mr. Drysdale's
in the next one.
JANE: Right, Chief.
I'll take care of it.
See you later, Doctor.
What are you doing here?
We come to fetch Mr. And
Mrs. Drysdale out of here.
Oh, you can't do that!
They're under the
care of Dr. Sanders.
They're under the
care of Dr. Granny!
Shh! You'll be in trouble
if you're so much
as seen on this floor!
Miss Hathaway, who
are these people?
What are they doing here?
We's the Clampetts, ma'am.
We come to fetch the...
Laundry! The laundry.
Here. I'll... I'll show
them where it is.
Here we go. Thank you, Nurse.
Right inside. There we are.
They're, uh...
they're charity cases.
Dr. Sanders is trying
to help them out.
All right, all right!
Oh, Miss Hathaway,
I'm glad you're still here.
That boss of yours is too
much for me. He's leaving.
You're releasing him?
Releasing him?
I'm throwing him out!
By doggies, I
was afraid of that.
Now they's fixing to throw
poor Mr. Drysdale out!
And his wife will
be right behind him.
We didn't get here
a minute too soon.
It's going to be a mite tricky
getting him down
that fire escape.
Well, you and Jethro can
stand under the window,
and Granny and me
will drop them to you.
No more fire escape for me.
I'm going out the front door
like a brain surgeon had oughta.
Where did you get that?
They's a whole shelf
of them over yonder.
Boy, I think you come
up with a great idea!
Thank you.
What is it?
Never mind.
Miss Hathaway, come to
the cashier's office with me.
I want you to approve every
item on that skinflint's bill.
Oh, Nurse, get that wheelchair
ready for Mr. Drysdale.
Yes, Doctor. Come
along, Miss Hathaway.
Well, couldn't we go later?
Now, please!
You know, I'll bet
he would go all
the way to Africa
just to get free treatment
from Schweitzer!
Now, wait a minute!
Sanders promised. No surgery!
He said I could leave!
Don't touch me!
Quieten down, Mr. Drysdale.
Yeah. It's us!
We's come to get you out.
Oh, you gave me a fright.
Your nerves on edge, is they?
I'll say they are.
Open wide.
What was that?
Nerve quietener.
Now, get him in
the wheelchair, Jed.
Elly and me will
fetch Miz Drysdale.
Like as not, she
needs a booster by now.
I'm Tinkerbell!
(humming happily)
Hello, Doctor.
Howdy.
Howdy?
I assure you there is no
cause for concern, Doctor.
Two patients have been
spirited out of my hospital.
I call that cause for concern.
We're not sure
the Clampetts did it.
And, besides, you were
ready to release Mr. Drysdale.
Well, yes, but not into the
custody of a witch doctor.
Now, there is some medical
hanky-panky going on
at the Clampetts, and
I intend to look into it.
It's nothing. You'll see.
Oh, Granny practices a
little "mountain medicine."
You know... harmless
home remedies.
Well, if what she gave
Mrs. Drysdale was a sample,
she can be arrested as a pusher!
Now, Doctor!
Why, that stuff made our
tranquilizers look like... like pep pills!
Well, I assure you it is all
perfectly legal and harmless.
And, besides, Granny confines
her cures to her own family.
Oh, she does?
Take a look at that.
Well, I... I wonder
how that got there.
Well, I suggest we
drive in and find out.
Yes.
Jethro!
Let's get these contraptions
back to the hospital.
Won't Granny need
them for her hospital?
They don't belong to us.
Neither does that
outfit you're wearing.
Well, I like it.
It makes me feel
like a real doctor.
Bring the truck around.
And we ain't keeping
nothing that don't belong to us.
That sign out front
must be a prank.
You'll see. They're just
simple, fun-loving hillbilly folk.
Oh. Howdy, Miss
Jane. Howdy, Doctor!
Well, that simple,
fun-loving kid
is studying brain
surgery in the kitchen.
Hi, there.
Oh. This here's Cousin Elly.
And this is Cousin Bessie.
She used to be a nurse.
A nurse? Oh, no!
What ghastly experiments
are they conducting in there?
You'd best get your car
out of the way, Miss Jane.
The Drysdales are loose again!
Come on, young-uns, inside,
and help Granny
and me catch them.
(tires screeching)
You know, I just
don't believe it.
They've gone way beyond
my medical knowledge.
I just hope the
AMA can handle this.
Never mind the net, Granny.
The Drysdales is floating back.
I'm Tinkerbell!
And I'm Peter Pan!
(theme song playing)
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.