The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 33 - Granny Learns to Drive - full transcript
Granny's driving and Ellie's cooking makes a policeman and a cab driver think that the Clampett Mansion is a mental institution.
♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
♪ ♪
Well, by dingies, young fella,
that was a dandy ride.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you for pickin' me up.
These shoes were
just killin' my feet.
Ain't broke in good yet.
Well, uh, I could
see you was limpin'
when you flagged me down.
Pert near waved my arm off
before you stopped.
Well, I-I'm used
to spotting people
who need a lift.
I do that all day.
Oh, what a fine thing.
You must be a nice man.
Come on in and meet my family.
Oh, uh, no, thanks,
lady, I gotta get goin'.
Oh, don't be in a hurry.
Ain't near as late as you think.
That clock of yours is way fast.
Uh-oh.
It stopped altogether now.
Are you talki" about that?
Yeah, see,
it says half past six,
and it's barely noon.
You better get that thing fixed.
It's probably a
busted mainspring.
Lady, that means $6.30.
Oh, then, forget it.
You can get a
new clock for that.
Thanks again.
Good-bye.
Hey, but, lady, what
a... what about the fare?
Are you askin' me?
I sure am.
Well, now, ain't that nice.
Wait till I tell Jed.
Jed!
Jed, I'm goin' to the fair.
Who with, Granny?
Nicest man I met
since I come to Beverly Hills.
He works for somethin'
they call a... a cab company,
but mostly, he
just drives around
and takes tired folks home.
He just brung me
clean from town.
Well, now, you see, Granny,
there's nice folks everyplace.
Just have to take
trouble to find 'em.
You better go out and
keep him company, Jed.
We're gonna do a lot
of walkin' at the fair.
I gotta get out of
these high-style shoes.
All right, Granny.
(knock at door)
Oh, howdy there...
Come in, come in.
Reckon you're the young fella
that brought Granny home.
My name's Jed Clampett.
Well, hi.
Don't believe I
caught your name.
It's, uh... Burton.
Burton, huh? What's
your first name?
Richard.
Richard Burton... Dick Burton?
That's right, and my
wife's name is Elizabeth.
Well, doggies!
Liz and Dick Burton!
You know there's another
Liz and Dick Burton?
No.
Yeah, run the feed
store back home.
Feed store?
Been runnin' it for 40 years.
Back home, whenever
anybody thinks of hogwash,
they just naturally
think of Liz and Dick.
Sit down.
Uh, no, thanks.
Say, uh, what happened
to the lady that just came in?
Oh, she'll be down in a minute.
Uh, she told me about the fair.
Good, that's six-thirty.
Well, you got loads
of time... sit down.
Well, glad you come in.
I wanted you to
meet my son-in-law.
Ain't he a nice fella, Jed?
He sure is.
Gives you a whole new feeli"
about Beverly Hills.
Well, changed my shoes.
We're ready for the fair.
Me, too, that'll be six-thirty.
Oh, you two got
lots of time to kill.
Yeah, we can go
for another ride.
Not until I get my $6.30.
$6.30?
With the time I've been
waiting, it should be $7.00!
What for?
For pickin' her up in town
and bringin' her
all the way up here.
You mean you're
gonna charge money
to a poor old widow
for pickin' her up
and fetchi" her home?
Of course, that's
how I make my living.
Well, you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
What?
For makin' folks think
you're so kind and neighborly,
and then chargin'
'em money for it!
But, lady, that's my business.
Well, I'm gonna make it mine!
JED: Now, simmer down, Granny.
Mr. Burton,
I reckon what you're
doin' is within the law,
but it's a mighty sorry way
for a growed man to behave.
Oh, this has got to be a rib.
The costumes, the
mansion, the whole bit.
I ain't always
lived in a mansion.
I was born in a little log
cabin, but poor as we was,
I'd have never took a
penny the way you're takin' it.
Never mind the
Gettysburg Address.
Just give me my money.
I ain't got no money
in these clothes.
You'll have to wait a minute.
You ain't waitin' for no money.
You have slickered
your last widow.
Jethro! Elly May!
Somebody fetch my shotgun!
Hey, look, lady,
I'll wait in the cab.
You ain't waitin' no place!
You get off of our property!
Not till I get my $6.30.
All you're gonna
get is two twelves.
All right, I'm goin', I'm goin'.
Right to the
police! That's good.
Turn yourself in,
and when you get out,
try and lead a decent life!
Who was he, Granny?
A fella that takes money
from innocent women.
Why, it's a good thing
he showed his colors
before he got me
out to the fairgrounds
and filled me up with
cotton candy and soda pop!
Well, where'd you meet him?
He picked me up in town.
Oh, butter wouldn't
melt in his mouth,
he was so nicety nice!
How come he left
without his money?
He found out he
couldn't get his silver
without a little lead.
Now, Granny, you
know good and well
you wouldn't really
shoot nobody with this.
What are you talkin' about?
You know I've
smoked the britches
of many a chicken thief
and revenuer with that gun!
Only when it was loaded
with rock salt and bacon rind.
Well, it scared him good.
Besides, it gave the
chickens something
to peck at the next morning
(truck engine humming)
Jethro, you're just the
rascal I'm lookin' for.
Well, what'd I do now?
Nothin'.
You're gonna learn me to drive.
Well, what for?
'Cause it ain't safe for a lady
to walk the streets
of Beverly Hills.
Is it all right, Uncle Jed?
I don't see no harm in it.
When you get
through with Granny,
I might just take
a go at it myself.
Come on, come on,
what do I do first, boy?
Well, the first thing you do
is turn that there what
you call ignition key.
What does it unlock?
The electricity or somethin'.
Then, the next thing you do
is stomp down on the starter.
That's that there little button
on the floor. (engine starting)
And then, you leave
off the brake, like this.
Doggies, she learned
quick, didn't she?
She ain't learned yet.
She had that thing in gear.
Hey, Granny, step on the brake!
Jethro, instead of
standin' there yellin',
maybe you better cut
across and catch her
'fore she gets out the gate.
Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.
(screeching)
What did you stop me for?
I was just gettin' goin' good.
By doggies, this
is a red letter day!
Two things I never
thought I'd see:
Granny drivin' and you cookin'.
Well, I promised Granny
I'd fix lunch for you
while she was taki"
her drivin' lesson.
Well, even if she
never steers that truck
out of the front
gate, it's worth it
to see you gettin'
broke to kitchen work.
Well, shucks, Pa, it ain't hard.
Mm, you're gonna make
some man mighty happy!
Well, sit down to the table.
I think vittles is
pert near done.
Yes, ma'am. (claps)
Ready, Pa?
You bet I am!
Yes, sir, Elly May,
you're gonna make
some man mighty, mighty...
Well, I wish you'd look at that.
I ain't seen one
of them in years.
Well, tear into it, Pa.
You bet I will.
Uh, say, uh, this is
a extra big one, Elly.
How-how 'bout you havin' some?
Oh, no, sir, this
is all for you, Pa.
Well, good, good.
Uh, say, uh, you
got some hot mustard
I could smear on that?
Oh, it's got hot
mustard in it, Pa.
Oh, uh, oh, good.
Well, how 'bout, uh...
how 'bout some
sorghum to pour over it?
It's got sorghum in it, too.
Well, uh... say, Elly may, uh,
how 'bout you brewi"
up a pot of coffee?
I got some boilin'.
Boilin'?
Yes, sir, I'll fetch it over.
Eat it while it's hot, Pa.
When it gets cool,
it gets kind of tough.
You've been boili" that coffee
for some time, ain't you?
Yes, sir, Pa.
I wanted to make sure
it was good and done.
Well, I tell you what Elly, uh,
now that you cooked
me such a fine lunch,
uh, why don't you
go out and, uh,
see how Granny's
doi" with the drivin'?
Well, I gotta feed
Skipper and Jo-Jo first.
Come on, fellas, time for lunch.
Tell you what, Elly.
Let me feed them.
You go out and tell
Granny about cookin' vittles.
She'll be right proud of you.
Yes, sir, Pa.
Here you are, Skipper.
Let me see you tie into that.
(chattering)
(barking)
(barking)
(growling)
I'll tell you somethin', fellas.
I hope Granny's doin'
better at her drivin'
than Elly is at her cookin'.
How far have I drove, Jethro?
Well, let's see.
I'll cipher for you.
Um, we've been drivin' along
at 35 miles an
hour for a half hour.
So you take half of 35.
Uh, two goes into three once.
You bring down the one.
Uh, two don't go into one.
That leaves naught.
Bring down the naught,
and two don't go
into naught, neither.
Uh, Granny, would
you mind steppin' it up
to 40 miles an hour?
Be a whole lot easier
to cipher that way.
I'm tired of drivin', Jethro.
You take over for a while.
I'm gonna get some vittles.
Granny, don't never do that
when you're drivin'
along the street.
Are you learni"
to drive, Granny?
Been drivin' for a half hour.
Nothin' to it!
Well, let's see you do some.
Plain or fancy?
Oh, just plain, I reckon.
All right.
(engine starting)
Oh, your wheel
ain't touchin', Granny.
Just a minute.
JETHRO: Hey, Granny,
Granny, put on the brake!
No, that's the gas!
(horn honking)
(tires screeching)
(whistling)
I can't wait to see
her fancy drivin'!
Wowee!
Who was drivin' that truck?
Hey! You the rascal
that was smooth-talking Granny
and tried to get her to the fair
so you could fill her full of
cotton candy and sody pop!
Oh, boy,
this has got to be the
Beverly Hills funny farm.
Hey, where you goin'?
Eh, look, I'm sure
you're all harmless,
but I've gotta find the
doctor in charge of this place
and tell him that
somebody left the gate open
and two beauties got out.
Are you smooth-talkin' me?
Oh, boy!
Uh, look, honey, take
me to your keeper.
(growling)
ELLY MAY: Pa!
Quick, fellas, take
the tug-of-war outside.
We don't want to
discourage Elly.
Pa, that rascal that
Granny chased...
Oh, I see you ate
all your omelet.
Omelet?
I'll fix you another one.
Oh, no, no... I mean, uh,
why don't you try cookin'
somethi" different this time?
Well, to tell the
truth, I'd just as leave.
These here golf eggs
sure is hard to cook.
Golf egg?
These eggs you
used in the omelet?
Yes, sir.
You'll never crack
it that way, Pa.
I had to melt
these rascals down,
shell and all.
Elly, I think you
best throw these out.
I don't think they
is strictly fresh laid.
Yes, sir, Pa.
Oh, like I started to tell you,
that there Burton
fella, he's out front.
Says he wants
to talk the foreman
of this here skull ranch.
Skull ranch?
That's just what he said.
He was talkin' so funny
that I just wouldn't let
him come in the house.
Good girl, Elly.
All right, you can take Jethro
bird watching this one time,
but from now on
concentrate on Elly May.
Very well, Chief.
You're the doctor!
Oh, hey, hey, Doc,
you're just the
fella I'm lookin' for.
A couple of your
guests just checked out
of your "ha ha hotel".
What are you talking about?
Oh, the doc will know
what I'm talkin' about.
Hey, hey, look, Doc,
you know that-that
little one called Granny?
Yes. What about her? Well,
someone left the gate open,
and she went tearing out of here
about a mile a minute
drivin' an old truck!
Granny! Driving?!
She doesn't know how to drive!
You're tellin' me!
She almost creamed
the side of my cab!
Miss Hathaway, get on
the phone to the police.
Explain the situation, ask
them not to arrest Granny,
just to stop her and
bring her back here.
Right, Chief.
By the way, what
are you doing here?
I tried to collect some
cab fare from Granny...
Granny called a cab?
No, I was cruisin' in town,
and she was
walkin' along the curb
wavin' and yellin' at
cars, so I-I picked her up.
I thought she was
a little peculiar,
but, uh, I didn't think
she was from this place.
And when I asked
for my fare, well-well,
she chased me
out with a shotgun!
I'm sorry.
Hey, uh, it's none
of my business,
but, uh, should they have guns?
Well, no, they shouldn't,
but I try to humor them.
Uh, how much was the fare?
Six dollars and 30 cents.
Here. Ten. Keep the change.
Oh, thank you very much.
Hey-hey, you know,
I've been drivin' a cab
in this town for ten years,
and I never knew
this place was here
right in the heart
of Beverly Hills.
Well, the less said
about it the better,
here's another five.
Oh, thank you very much.
Hey, uh, for another ten
I can say that, uh,
this is Knott's Berry Farm.
Excuse me, Chief,
I have alerted the police.
They have issued
an all-points bulletin,
Granny will be intercepted
and escorted home.
Good.
Well, if Granny's
gonna drive in here
I better move my
car. Hey, me, too!
Knott's Berry Farm?
Uh, Disneyland?
Uh, Picfair... for ten
bucks you name it!
Granny, I can't take
no more of your drivin'.
Let's head for home.
I'm lost; how do I get there?
Get back the same
way you got here.
Okay, hold on.
(horns honking)
(tires screeching)
(horns honking)
Hey, Granny, you just
went past another red light?
(siren wailing)
Don't worry about
passi" them red lights.
It's catchi" up with us.
Granny!
This ain't the driveway!
Who needs it!
I'm takin' a shortcut!
Well, we'll be back shortly.
Here they come, Chief!
Mr. Clampett! Bye.
These Beverly Hills
police certainly are efficient.
Best in the country!
The brake! Granny!
Step on the brake!
(crash)
JED: Jethro, you
oughta learn your Granny
to park out front like you do.
Uncle Jed,
I have done giving
my last drivin' lesson!
Granny, are you all right?
Am I all right!?
I beat that
policeman here! Lady,
I've seen a lot of
drivers in my day
but you top them all.
Now, would you sign this
citation for me, please?
Oh! That's just fine!
If you want to
wait a little while,
I'll-I'll go and see if
I can find a picture
and I'll autograph
for you. No, thanks.
I'd just like to see
your license please.
Huntin', fishin' or
weddin'? Officer,
I'm Milburn Drysdale.
If you'll step inside, we'll
telephone headquarters
and straighten
the whole thing out.
CABBY: Psst! Psst! Psst!
Hey, buddy.
Come here.
Huh?
I can see you're
a little confused.
Don't you know
what this place is?
Looks like a private home.
It's a private home all right,
with rubber rooms.
What?
Yeah, sort of a, uh, very
exclusive Freud factory.
You mean, uh...
You-you know, kind of a...
a happy farm.
The little woman I
picked up, she's, uh...?
Bubbles in the think tank.
I brought her back once today.
She keeps bustin' out.
Who's that big kid with her?
Oh, I figure he's got a
little space to rent, too.
And you know that tall geezer
the one with a scraggly beard?
Thinks he's Abe Lincoln!
Well, who's the fella, Drysdale?
Oh, he's the Doc, uh,
the-the headshrinker.
Thanks. I'm glad you told me.
Well, wait a minute,
what are you doing here?
Oh, no, no, no, uh,
that's my cab out there.
I-I'm waitin' for
somebody to bust out,
so I can bring 'em back.
The Doc pays real good for that.
ELLY MAY: Jo-Jo,
give me that, it's mine!
Now you turn loose!
You ain't supposed to have this!
Well, there's another one.
What is that she's trying
to get away from the dog?
Looks like a piece of rubber.
Probably wallpaper
from her room.
ELLY MAY: Jo-Jo!
You come back here!
Jo-Jo!
Bring that back!
Well, there's another 15 bucks!
See you later.
Glad that rascal's gone.
Granny didn't cotton to him.
Is that because he picked her
up and brought her back here?
Yeah, but she can drive now.
Make it easier for
her to get away.
Why would she want to get away?
Well, ain't much fun bei"
cooped up in here all day,
I can tell you that myself.
Let's put it this way,
you're gonna be cooped up,
this is a beautiful spot for it.
Yeah, it's nice, all right.
You know, I was born and
raised in a little log cabin.
Really?
Yeah.
Movin' in here was like movin'
into the White House.
Tell me, this little old log
cabin you were born in,
was it, uh, around
here somewhere?
No, it was way
back in the hills,
right smack in the
middle of the woods.
I bet you did a lot of rail
splitting when you were a boy.
That's a fact.
Man and boy, I
split many a rail.
Did you, uh, read by
the light of the fire?
When I could find
somethin' to read.
I used to have to
walk ten, 12 miles
to borrow a book.
And I'll bet you were
always honest and returned it.
You betcha! Officer.
Can I see you for a moment?
Be right with you, Doc.
Excuse me, Mr. President.
Well.
Reckon he heard
about my corporation.
I spoke to the captain.
I gave him my assurance
that Granny would
do no more driving.
He said to tell you that
everything is squared away.
Okay? Oh, well, all right,
whatever you say,
you're the doctor.
Quite a place, isn't it?
It sure is.
Hey, uh, tell me something.
How many of those
"rooms" are upstairs?
Oh, I'd say 15.
Wow!
Where do you think you're going?
Bird watching.
You promised I
could take Jethro.
Well, all right. Go ahead.
Perhaps we shall see
a redbreasted nuthatch
or a yellow-bellied sapsucker.
Well, it's none of my business,
but shouldn't somebody go along
to keep an eye on those
two? You want the job?
Uh, no, thank you.
But there is
something, you know,
I've never been
in a place like this.
Could I go upstairs
and look around?
Sure, if you'd
like to, go ahead.
On a second-second thought,
I'm due back at headquarters.
So long, Doc.
And-and you, too, fella.
Excuse me, Mr. President,
but I gotta get outta here!
Hey, where you goin'?
I'm takin' the shortcut!
Looks like Granny
opened up a new road.
Oh, here you are, Mr. Clampett.
Now, remember, I've
promised the Beverly Hills police
that Granny will
do no more driving.
I'll do my best, Mr. Drysdale,
but that's a mighty
muley little woman,
and she has took
quite a shine to drivin'.
Well, we've got
to see to it that...
(engine revving)
Granny!
She must've snuck
around the house!
We've got to stop her!
Relax, Mr. Drysdale,
it ain't Granny drivin'.
(horn honking)
Spunky little fella.
You couldn't get me out
in that traffic for money!
(theme song playing)
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
♪ ♪
Well, by dingies, young fella,
that was a dandy ride.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you for pickin' me up.
These shoes were
just killin' my feet.
Ain't broke in good yet.
Well, uh, I could
see you was limpin'
when you flagged me down.
Pert near waved my arm off
before you stopped.
Well, I-I'm used
to spotting people
who need a lift.
I do that all day.
Oh, what a fine thing.
You must be a nice man.
Come on in and meet my family.
Oh, uh, no, thanks,
lady, I gotta get goin'.
Oh, don't be in a hurry.
Ain't near as late as you think.
That clock of yours is way fast.
Uh-oh.
It stopped altogether now.
Are you talki" about that?
Yeah, see,
it says half past six,
and it's barely noon.
You better get that thing fixed.
It's probably a
busted mainspring.
Lady, that means $6.30.
Oh, then, forget it.
You can get a
new clock for that.
Thanks again.
Good-bye.
Hey, but, lady, what
a... what about the fare?
Are you askin' me?
I sure am.
Well, now, ain't that nice.
Wait till I tell Jed.
Jed!
Jed, I'm goin' to the fair.
Who with, Granny?
Nicest man I met
since I come to Beverly Hills.
He works for somethin'
they call a... a cab company,
but mostly, he
just drives around
and takes tired folks home.
He just brung me
clean from town.
Well, now, you see, Granny,
there's nice folks everyplace.
Just have to take
trouble to find 'em.
You better go out and
keep him company, Jed.
We're gonna do a lot
of walkin' at the fair.
I gotta get out of
these high-style shoes.
All right, Granny.
(knock at door)
Oh, howdy there...
Come in, come in.
Reckon you're the young fella
that brought Granny home.
My name's Jed Clampett.
Well, hi.
Don't believe I
caught your name.
It's, uh... Burton.
Burton, huh? What's
your first name?
Richard.
Richard Burton... Dick Burton?
That's right, and my
wife's name is Elizabeth.
Well, doggies!
Liz and Dick Burton!
You know there's another
Liz and Dick Burton?
No.
Yeah, run the feed
store back home.
Feed store?
Been runnin' it for 40 years.
Back home, whenever
anybody thinks of hogwash,
they just naturally
think of Liz and Dick.
Sit down.
Uh, no, thanks.
Say, uh, what happened
to the lady that just came in?
Oh, she'll be down in a minute.
Uh, she told me about the fair.
Good, that's six-thirty.
Well, you got loads
of time... sit down.
Well, glad you come in.
I wanted you to
meet my son-in-law.
Ain't he a nice fella, Jed?
He sure is.
Gives you a whole new feeli"
about Beverly Hills.
Well, changed my shoes.
We're ready for the fair.
Me, too, that'll be six-thirty.
Oh, you two got
lots of time to kill.
Yeah, we can go
for another ride.
Not until I get my $6.30.
$6.30?
With the time I've been
waiting, it should be $7.00!
What for?
For pickin' her up in town
and bringin' her
all the way up here.
You mean you're
gonna charge money
to a poor old widow
for pickin' her up
and fetchi" her home?
Of course, that's
how I make my living.
Well, you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
What?
For makin' folks think
you're so kind and neighborly,
and then chargin'
'em money for it!
But, lady, that's my business.
Well, I'm gonna make it mine!
JED: Now, simmer down, Granny.
Mr. Burton,
I reckon what you're
doin' is within the law,
but it's a mighty sorry way
for a growed man to behave.
Oh, this has got to be a rib.
The costumes, the
mansion, the whole bit.
I ain't always
lived in a mansion.
I was born in a little log
cabin, but poor as we was,
I'd have never took a
penny the way you're takin' it.
Never mind the
Gettysburg Address.
Just give me my money.
I ain't got no money
in these clothes.
You'll have to wait a minute.
You ain't waitin' for no money.
You have slickered
your last widow.
Jethro! Elly May!
Somebody fetch my shotgun!
Hey, look, lady,
I'll wait in the cab.
You ain't waitin' no place!
You get off of our property!
Not till I get my $6.30.
All you're gonna
get is two twelves.
All right, I'm goin', I'm goin'.
Right to the
police! That's good.
Turn yourself in,
and when you get out,
try and lead a decent life!
Who was he, Granny?
A fella that takes money
from innocent women.
Why, it's a good thing
he showed his colors
before he got me
out to the fairgrounds
and filled me up with
cotton candy and soda pop!
Well, where'd you meet him?
He picked me up in town.
Oh, butter wouldn't
melt in his mouth,
he was so nicety nice!
How come he left
without his money?
He found out he
couldn't get his silver
without a little lead.
Now, Granny, you
know good and well
you wouldn't really
shoot nobody with this.
What are you talkin' about?
You know I've
smoked the britches
of many a chicken thief
and revenuer with that gun!
Only when it was loaded
with rock salt and bacon rind.
Well, it scared him good.
Besides, it gave the
chickens something
to peck at the next morning
(truck engine humming)
Jethro, you're just the
rascal I'm lookin' for.
Well, what'd I do now?
Nothin'.
You're gonna learn me to drive.
Well, what for?
'Cause it ain't safe for a lady
to walk the streets
of Beverly Hills.
Is it all right, Uncle Jed?
I don't see no harm in it.
When you get
through with Granny,
I might just take
a go at it myself.
Come on, come on,
what do I do first, boy?
Well, the first thing you do
is turn that there what
you call ignition key.
What does it unlock?
The electricity or somethin'.
Then, the next thing you do
is stomp down on the starter.
That's that there little button
on the floor. (engine starting)
And then, you leave
off the brake, like this.
Doggies, she learned
quick, didn't she?
She ain't learned yet.
She had that thing in gear.
Hey, Granny, step on the brake!
Jethro, instead of
standin' there yellin',
maybe you better cut
across and catch her
'fore she gets out the gate.
Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.
(screeching)
What did you stop me for?
I was just gettin' goin' good.
By doggies, this
is a red letter day!
Two things I never
thought I'd see:
Granny drivin' and you cookin'.
Well, I promised Granny
I'd fix lunch for you
while she was taki"
her drivin' lesson.
Well, even if she
never steers that truck
out of the front
gate, it's worth it
to see you gettin'
broke to kitchen work.
Well, shucks, Pa, it ain't hard.
Mm, you're gonna make
some man mighty happy!
Well, sit down to the table.
I think vittles is
pert near done.
Yes, ma'am. (claps)
Ready, Pa?
You bet I am!
Yes, sir, Elly May,
you're gonna make
some man mighty, mighty...
Well, I wish you'd look at that.
I ain't seen one
of them in years.
Well, tear into it, Pa.
You bet I will.
Uh, say, uh, this is
a extra big one, Elly.
How-how 'bout you havin' some?
Oh, no, sir, this
is all for you, Pa.
Well, good, good.
Uh, say, uh, you
got some hot mustard
I could smear on that?
Oh, it's got hot
mustard in it, Pa.
Oh, uh, oh, good.
Well, how 'bout, uh...
how 'bout some
sorghum to pour over it?
It's got sorghum in it, too.
Well, uh... say, Elly may, uh,
how 'bout you brewi"
up a pot of coffee?
I got some boilin'.
Boilin'?
Yes, sir, I'll fetch it over.
Eat it while it's hot, Pa.
When it gets cool,
it gets kind of tough.
You've been boili" that coffee
for some time, ain't you?
Yes, sir, Pa.
I wanted to make sure
it was good and done.
Well, I tell you what Elly, uh,
now that you cooked
me such a fine lunch,
uh, why don't you
go out and, uh,
see how Granny's
doi" with the drivin'?
Well, I gotta feed
Skipper and Jo-Jo first.
Come on, fellas, time for lunch.
Tell you what, Elly.
Let me feed them.
You go out and tell
Granny about cookin' vittles.
She'll be right proud of you.
Yes, sir, Pa.
Here you are, Skipper.
Let me see you tie into that.
(chattering)
(barking)
(barking)
(growling)
I'll tell you somethin', fellas.
I hope Granny's doin'
better at her drivin'
than Elly is at her cookin'.
How far have I drove, Jethro?
Well, let's see.
I'll cipher for you.
Um, we've been drivin' along
at 35 miles an
hour for a half hour.
So you take half of 35.
Uh, two goes into three once.
You bring down the one.
Uh, two don't go into one.
That leaves naught.
Bring down the naught,
and two don't go
into naught, neither.
Uh, Granny, would
you mind steppin' it up
to 40 miles an hour?
Be a whole lot easier
to cipher that way.
I'm tired of drivin', Jethro.
You take over for a while.
I'm gonna get some vittles.
Granny, don't never do that
when you're drivin'
along the street.
Are you learni"
to drive, Granny?
Been drivin' for a half hour.
Nothin' to it!
Well, let's see you do some.
Plain or fancy?
Oh, just plain, I reckon.
All right.
(engine starting)
Oh, your wheel
ain't touchin', Granny.
Just a minute.
JETHRO: Hey, Granny,
Granny, put on the brake!
No, that's the gas!
(horn honking)
(tires screeching)
(whistling)
I can't wait to see
her fancy drivin'!
Wowee!
Who was drivin' that truck?
Hey! You the rascal
that was smooth-talking Granny
and tried to get her to the fair
so you could fill her full of
cotton candy and sody pop!
Oh, boy,
this has got to be the
Beverly Hills funny farm.
Hey, where you goin'?
Eh, look, I'm sure
you're all harmless,
but I've gotta find the
doctor in charge of this place
and tell him that
somebody left the gate open
and two beauties got out.
Are you smooth-talkin' me?
Oh, boy!
Uh, look, honey, take
me to your keeper.
(growling)
ELLY MAY: Pa!
Quick, fellas, take
the tug-of-war outside.
We don't want to
discourage Elly.
Pa, that rascal that
Granny chased...
Oh, I see you ate
all your omelet.
Omelet?
I'll fix you another one.
Oh, no, no... I mean, uh,
why don't you try cookin'
somethi" different this time?
Well, to tell the
truth, I'd just as leave.
These here golf eggs
sure is hard to cook.
Golf egg?
These eggs you
used in the omelet?
Yes, sir.
You'll never crack
it that way, Pa.
I had to melt
these rascals down,
shell and all.
Elly, I think you
best throw these out.
I don't think they
is strictly fresh laid.
Yes, sir, Pa.
Oh, like I started to tell you,
that there Burton
fella, he's out front.
Says he wants
to talk the foreman
of this here skull ranch.
Skull ranch?
That's just what he said.
He was talkin' so funny
that I just wouldn't let
him come in the house.
Good girl, Elly.
All right, you can take Jethro
bird watching this one time,
but from now on
concentrate on Elly May.
Very well, Chief.
You're the doctor!
Oh, hey, hey, Doc,
you're just the
fella I'm lookin' for.
A couple of your
guests just checked out
of your "ha ha hotel".
What are you talking about?
Oh, the doc will know
what I'm talkin' about.
Hey, hey, look, Doc,
you know that-that
little one called Granny?
Yes. What about her? Well,
someone left the gate open,
and she went tearing out of here
about a mile a minute
drivin' an old truck!
Granny! Driving?!
She doesn't know how to drive!
You're tellin' me!
She almost creamed
the side of my cab!
Miss Hathaway, get on
the phone to the police.
Explain the situation, ask
them not to arrest Granny,
just to stop her and
bring her back here.
Right, Chief.
By the way, what
are you doing here?
I tried to collect some
cab fare from Granny...
Granny called a cab?
No, I was cruisin' in town,
and she was
walkin' along the curb
wavin' and yellin' at
cars, so I-I picked her up.
I thought she was
a little peculiar,
but, uh, I didn't think
she was from this place.
And when I asked
for my fare, well-well,
she chased me
out with a shotgun!
I'm sorry.
Hey, uh, it's none
of my business,
but, uh, should they have guns?
Well, no, they shouldn't,
but I try to humor them.
Uh, how much was the fare?
Six dollars and 30 cents.
Here. Ten. Keep the change.
Oh, thank you very much.
Hey-hey, you know,
I've been drivin' a cab
in this town for ten years,
and I never knew
this place was here
right in the heart
of Beverly Hills.
Well, the less said
about it the better,
here's another five.
Oh, thank you very much.
Hey, uh, for another ten
I can say that, uh,
this is Knott's Berry Farm.
Excuse me, Chief,
I have alerted the police.
They have issued
an all-points bulletin,
Granny will be intercepted
and escorted home.
Good.
Well, if Granny's
gonna drive in here
I better move my
car. Hey, me, too!
Knott's Berry Farm?
Uh, Disneyland?
Uh, Picfair... for ten
bucks you name it!
Granny, I can't take
no more of your drivin'.
Let's head for home.
I'm lost; how do I get there?
Get back the same
way you got here.
Okay, hold on.
(horns honking)
(tires screeching)
(horns honking)
Hey, Granny, you just
went past another red light?
(siren wailing)
Don't worry about
passi" them red lights.
It's catchi" up with us.
Granny!
This ain't the driveway!
Who needs it!
I'm takin' a shortcut!
Well, we'll be back shortly.
Here they come, Chief!
Mr. Clampett! Bye.
These Beverly Hills
police certainly are efficient.
Best in the country!
The brake! Granny!
Step on the brake!
(crash)
JED: Jethro, you
oughta learn your Granny
to park out front like you do.
Uncle Jed,
I have done giving
my last drivin' lesson!
Granny, are you all right?
Am I all right!?
I beat that
policeman here! Lady,
I've seen a lot of
drivers in my day
but you top them all.
Now, would you sign this
citation for me, please?
Oh! That's just fine!
If you want to
wait a little while,
I'll-I'll go and see if
I can find a picture
and I'll autograph
for you. No, thanks.
I'd just like to see
your license please.
Huntin', fishin' or
weddin'? Officer,
I'm Milburn Drysdale.
If you'll step inside, we'll
telephone headquarters
and straighten
the whole thing out.
CABBY: Psst! Psst! Psst!
Hey, buddy.
Come here.
Huh?
I can see you're
a little confused.
Don't you know
what this place is?
Looks like a private home.
It's a private home all right,
with rubber rooms.
What?
Yeah, sort of a, uh, very
exclusive Freud factory.
You mean, uh...
You-you know, kind of a...
a happy farm.
The little woman I
picked up, she's, uh...?
Bubbles in the think tank.
I brought her back once today.
She keeps bustin' out.
Who's that big kid with her?
Oh, I figure he's got a
little space to rent, too.
And you know that tall geezer
the one with a scraggly beard?
Thinks he's Abe Lincoln!
Well, who's the fella, Drysdale?
Oh, he's the Doc, uh,
the-the headshrinker.
Thanks. I'm glad you told me.
Well, wait a minute,
what are you doing here?
Oh, no, no, no, uh,
that's my cab out there.
I-I'm waitin' for
somebody to bust out,
so I can bring 'em back.
The Doc pays real good for that.
ELLY MAY: Jo-Jo,
give me that, it's mine!
Now you turn loose!
You ain't supposed to have this!
Well, there's another one.
What is that she's trying
to get away from the dog?
Looks like a piece of rubber.
Probably wallpaper
from her room.
ELLY MAY: Jo-Jo!
You come back here!
Jo-Jo!
Bring that back!
Well, there's another 15 bucks!
See you later.
Glad that rascal's gone.
Granny didn't cotton to him.
Is that because he picked her
up and brought her back here?
Yeah, but she can drive now.
Make it easier for
her to get away.
Why would she want to get away?
Well, ain't much fun bei"
cooped up in here all day,
I can tell you that myself.
Let's put it this way,
you're gonna be cooped up,
this is a beautiful spot for it.
Yeah, it's nice, all right.
You know, I was born and
raised in a little log cabin.
Really?
Yeah.
Movin' in here was like movin'
into the White House.
Tell me, this little old log
cabin you were born in,
was it, uh, around
here somewhere?
No, it was way
back in the hills,
right smack in the
middle of the woods.
I bet you did a lot of rail
splitting when you were a boy.
That's a fact.
Man and boy, I
split many a rail.
Did you, uh, read by
the light of the fire?
When I could find
somethin' to read.
I used to have to
walk ten, 12 miles
to borrow a book.
And I'll bet you were
always honest and returned it.
You betcha! Officer.
Can I see you for a moment?
Be right with you, Doc.
Excuse me, Mr. President.
Well.
Reckon he heard
about my corporation.
I spoke to the captain.
I gave him my assurance
that Granny would
do no more driving.
He said to tell you that
everything is squared away.
Okay? Oh, well, all right,
whatever you say,
you're the doctor.
Quite a place, isn't it?
It sure is.
Hey, uh, tell me something.
How many of those
"rooms" are upstairs?
Oh, I'd say 15.
Wow!
Where do you think you're going?
Bird watching.
You promised I
could take Jethro.
Well, all right. Go ahead.
Perhaps we shall see
a redbreasted nuthatch
or a yellow-bellied sapsucker.
Well, it's none of my business,
but shouldn't somebody go along
to keep an eye on those
two? You want the job?
Uh, no, thank you.
But there is
something, you know,
I've never been
in a place like this.
Could I go upstairs
and look around?
Sure, if you'd
like to, go ahead.
On a second-second thought,
I'm due back at headquarters.
So long, Doc.
And-and you, too, fella.
Excuse me, Mr. President,
but I gotta get outta here!
Hey, where you goin'?
I'm takin' the shortcut!
Looks like Granny
opened up a new road.
Oh, here you are, Mr. Clampett.
Now, remember, I've
promised the Beverly Hills police
that Granny will
do no more driving.
I'll do my best, Mr. Drysdale,
but that's a mighty
muley little woman,
and she has took
quite a shine to drivin'.
Well, we've got
to see to it that...
(engine revving)
Granny!
She must've snuck
around the house!
We've got to stop her!
Relax, Mr. Drysdale,
it ain't Granny drivin'.
(horn honking)
Spunky little fella.
You couldn't get me out
in that traffic for money!
(theme song playing)
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.