The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 32 - Jed, Incorporated - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Which of these
names do you like best

for Mr. Clampett's corporation:

Jedco, Jedclam,

Clampco or JDC, Incorporated?

I like Clampco, Incorporated.

It has a nice sound to it.

Then Clampco,
Incorporated it is.

Now, let's see.

Jed will be president,
Granny can be vice president,

Elly May secretary-treasurer...

That leaves Jethro;
what'll we do with him?

Here's an idea: I'll marry him.

Oh, be serious.

Well, if I may say so, Chief,

he'd make a far better husband

than he would a
corporation executive.

This corporation is just a
formality for tax purposes.

I'll continue to make
all the decisions

and all the investments
just as I have in the past.

What will the Clampetts do?

Attend a board of directors
meeting twice a year.

Slow down; you're coming
to the president's driveway.

JED: Head her
off, Duke! (barking)

Elly May, you come back
here and put on a dress!

Oh, howdy, folks.

Be right with you directly.

Head her off, Duke!

You know, Chief,
somehow they just don't

look like corporation
executives.

(chuckles)

Did you bring your notary seal?

Right here, Chief.

Ready to go.

Well, pucker up and
seal off the wisecracks.

(doorbell chimes)

There goes that spook.

Playing music
in the walls again.

(doorbell chimes)

Come out of there, you
gong-ringing goomer you!

What are you doing, Granny?

That rascal that plays
the music in the walls

is right behind there.
(doorbell chimes)

Put your ear again' it.

You can hear him beating
them gongs plain as anything.

Granny, you can hear that
coming from every wall in the house.

Must be a whole family of them.

I better go open the door.

Soon as that music plays,

somebody always
comes to the door.

(clanking)

Never fails.

Oh, hi, Miss Jane, Mr. Drysdale.

Hello, Jethro.

You just missed Jed.

He's out shagging Elly.

Yes, we saw them.

Well, come in and have a cup
of coffee whilst you're waiting.

Oh, thank you.

How are you, Jethro,
you muscular swain?

Oh, I'm... What'd you call me?

A muscular swain.

That is a compliment.

Oh, well, you're a
muscular swain, too.

(chuckles)

I've had worse compliments.

You know, Jethro, the month
of betrothal will soon be here.

It will?

Yes. It follows May.

April, May... No,
ma'am, that's June.

(chuckles)

Good to see you, Mr. Drysdale.

I'm sorry I couldn't
stop before.

It's quite all right.

Did you catch Elly May?

No, but Duke's got her treed.

Quick as I get my second wind,

I'll climb up there
and fetch her down.

Well, now, if you can
take a little time away

from treeing your daughter,

I'd like you to become
president of Clampco.

Oh, no thanks, Mr. Drysdale.

I ain't much at
politics. Politics?

Besides, I don't even
recollect where Clampco is.

Do you, Granny?

I think it's down in
Pike County, Jed,

near Flatrock.

No, no, Clampco is
right here in Beverly Hills.

You see... Well, now
you best forget it for sure,

'cause folks out here would
never vote for me for president.

Jed ain't fancy
enough for city folks.

If it come to making
speeches, I'd be plumb pitiful.

Mr. Clampett, you don't
have to win an election.

Clampco is a corporation.

And you are its president

by virtue of being the
majority stockholder.

JANE: Here they are.

Sit down, Granny.

Jethro.

You, too, Miss Hathaway.

I have a feeling I'm gonna
need all the help I can get

in explaining what
a corporation is.

Well, everybody ready?

Yes. Yep.

Very well.

Start explaining, Miss Hathaway.

Elly, come down out of there.

Now, Elly May, it
just don't seem fittin'

for the president of a big
corporation to have to get

his secretary out of a tree.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you and me.

Now, come on down
here and I'll tell you more.

I'm coming down, Pa.

Are you sure enough gonna be

the president of
a big corporation?

Mm-hmm.

And am I sure enough
gonna be your secretary, Pa?

Elly May, you're
gonna be secretary

for the whole corporation.

I'm president,
Granny's vice president,

and we decided to
make Jethro treasurer

'cause he knows so
much about cipherin'.

Are you gonna have
one of them there offices

like Mr. Drysdale and
me one like Miss Jane?

Well, they didn't say
nothing about offices.

All we got to do is come
to a meeting twice a year.

Well, shucks, that don't
sound like much fun.

Now, wait, Elly May.

To get you down out of
this tree and into a dress,

I'll see to it that
we have offices

just like Mr. Drysdale
and Miss Jane.

Well, can we have
one of them there

dictytation machines so
you can dictytate letters?

Elly May, if it makes you
happy, we'll have two of 'em.

We'll both dictytate letters!

(whistles) Let's go!

Thanks for the lunch, Fleming.

See you later.

Your messages, Chief.

This one, I think, is
the most important.

Who wants an office?

President of
Clampco, Incorporated.

And not just an office,
but a suite of offices with...

(chuckles) "Two
dictytation machines,

one typewriter for
the secketary..."

I can read.

"Pencils and plenty of ciphering
paper for the treasurer..."

Jethro.

"A swiveling rocking chair"?!

For Vice President Granny.

Now, I have
checked the building.

We could give them the
penthouse executive suite...

Are you out of your mind?!

That rents for $2,500 a month!

Besides, they
don't need offices!

President Clampett
seems to think they do.

Well, he'll just have
to be talked out of it.

Now, get him on the
phone. (sighs) Yes, sir.

And when you get
him, talk him out of it.

Oh, Chief...

Do I have to do
everything myself?!

Am I surrounded by jellyfish?!

Am I the only one
with the courage to...

Howdy, folks.

Just wondered how my new
offices was coming along.

Fine, just fine.

I'm giving you the
best in the building:

the penthouse executive suite.

Oh, it don't have
to be nothing fancy.

Only the best for
President Clampett.

How soon will those offices
be ready, Miss Hathaway?

I think an hour should do it.

Well, speed it up.

Anything else you'd like?

Well, uh, to tell you
the truth, there is.

I always had a kind of a
hankerin' for one of them

fancy leather
lunchboxes like you tote.

Miss Hathaway,
take care of that.

A fancy leather lunchbox
with Mr. Clampett's name on it.

Yes, sir.

Well, uh, sure do thank you.

See you in about an hour.

We'll be looking
for you, President.

Welcome to the
loyal order of jellyfish.

Do you have your
notary seal handy?

Yes, sir.

Pucker up and use it.

Granny, you are gussied
up to a fare-thee-well.

Don't you forget it, boy.

I am the vice president
of a big corporation.

Yes, ma'am.

Confidentially, Jethro,

what does a vice president do?

I ain't sure.

Reckon we'll find out when
we get down to the office.

I reckon.

What's that?

Well, I don't know.

Fella just delivered
it for Uncle Jed.

Open it up, Jethro.

I think I know what it is.

Yep.

It's my new fancy
leather lunchbox.

See, got my name on it.

Ow-whee, ain't that a dandy!

Sure is pretty.

How do I look?

Look like a big, important
corporation president!

That's a fact, Jed!

You just fill that lunchbox with
ham hocks and black-eyed peas

and chitlins, and you can
hold your own with any of 'em.

I reckon we ought to be
getting down to the office.

Jethro, you ready to
commence treasuring?

Yes, sir.

I'm gonna cipher up a storm.

I even borrowed a geometry book.

What's geometry?

Oh, it's clean other
side of arithmetic.

So deep even I don't
understand it for sure.

Well, you can study up on it.

Uh, Granny, you all
set to vice president?

Soon as I know
what that is, yeah.

Well, here comes our secretary.

She looks like she's
dressed for a dance.

(whispering): Don't say nothing.

Leastways she's wearing a
dress and acting like a lady.

Hey, Pa, let's get
down to the corporation

so we can commence
to dictytating something.

I figured you'd want me to
wear one of these here dresses

that Morris made for me.

Does you proud, Elly.

You're prettier than
a Christmas package.

Well, you are, too, Pa.

You, too, Granny and Jethro.

Yeah, I reckon we's
as fine a-lookin' gaggle

of corporation
executives as you'd see

in New York or Joplin,
any of them big cities.

Yep, let's go.

Jed, why's all them people
stopping and staring at us?

Well, Granny, I
reckon it ain't every day

that folks along
Wilshire Boulevard

gets to look at a
whole corporation

in one bunch like this.

(wolf whistle)

Well, I wish them men
would quit whistlin' at me.

Yeah, it is a mite
disrespectful,

you being a vice
president and all.

Jed, what does a
vice president do?

Well, Granny, quick
as we get to the office,

the treasurer will
look it up for you

in one of them dictionaries,
won't you, Jethro?

If I can squeeze it
in with my geometry.

It's awful deep, Uncle Jed.

Listen to this: The
square of the hypotenuse

of a right triangle is equal
to the sum of the squares

of the other two sides.

Mmm, doggies! Will
you listen to that?

What does it mean?

You wouldn't
understand it, Elly May.

You're just a secretary.

What do you mean...?!

Now, now, let's
have no squabblin'

between the secretary
and the treasurer.

Or you'll get whomped
by the vice president.

Hey, Granny, maybe that's what

the vice president's
supposed to do...

Make the other officers
behave theyselves.

I hope there's
more to it than that.

Well, Jethro'll
look it up fer you.

If I can find the time.

The square of either
side of a right triangle

is equivalent to the
difference between the square

of the hypotenuse and
the square of the other side.

Mmm-mm! That's more geometry.

We got ourselves a
treasure and a half.

Well, dictytate
somethin' to me, Pa.

Talk in shorthand.

When we get to the
office and get to corporatin',

you'll have all the
dictytation you can swaller.

Commence slowi" down, Jethro,

yonder's the bank. Yes, ma'am.

The area of a
circle is pi r square.

Dear Sir: Yours truly,

Clampco, Incorporated.

Jed, I plumb forgot to fill

your leather lunch
box with vittles.

Oh, I'm just totin' it
fer practice, Granny.

Well, whereabout
is our offices, Paw?

Oh, Mr. Drysdale's giving us

what they call a "penthouse."

What's a penthouse?

I reckon we'll
find out directly.

Come on, everybody!

Come on, Granny!

If this is a penthouse,
you can have it!

Come on back, Granny.

Granny, come here! Now, Jed!

Jed, I ain't a-going!

You come on back here. I
ain't a-going in there, Jed!

It ain't big enough fer us.

There's no windows
in it, we'll suffocate.

Granny, this ain't
the penthouse.

This here is an elevator.

This is how you get
to the penthouse.

Ah! Help!

This thing grabbed me!

Let go of me, you
ornery varmint you!

Fetch her back, Jethro.

Jethro! You put me
down, you big lug!

Put me down! I
ain't going in here!

Come on in,
Granny. It's all right.

I changed my mind!

I don't wanna be
no vice president!

I wanna go home!

We won't let nothing
happen to ya, Granny.

You see, Elly May ain't scared.

That thing didn't grab her!

Set her down. It grabbed me.

Set her down, Jethro. (whines)

GRANNY: It's movin'.

(screams) Help!

JETHRO: Hey, Granny,
why you stayin' in there?

I'm going back down
and get my stomach.

Come on now, don't be scared.

What's Clampco, Inc., Pa?

Well, Clampco is the
name of our corporation.

Is we gonna make ink?

For all I know, we might
be gonna make Clampcos.

Mr. Drysdale
didn't say fer sure.

Ooh-wee! Look at
Uncle Jed's name writ

on that door in gold!

Jethro, I want you to
get ahold to some paint,

put the rest of your names
up there same as mine.

We's all in this
corporation together.

Not me! I quit when I was being

yanked up in that
oversized well bucket.

Quick as I can
find me some stairs,

I'm goin' home! Look, Granny.

Don't you wanna stay
and see your office?

No, I don't!

But I reckon I ought to stay

and see that the rest
of you is comfortable.

(gasps) Gee, this
here is my desk!

See? I got my name on it.

JED: Well, doggies!

And there's your
dictytatin' machine?

Dictytate me somethin', Pa.

Well, quick as we get settled

and go to
corporati" I'll do that.

Hey, Granny!

Looky here!

"Vice President Granny."

Jethro, Granny
says she's done quit.

Now when you take her home,

you bring back a can of turps

and wash her name off this door.

Yes, sir. Now just
a doggone minute!

Who's higher up?

Vice president or treasurer?

Vice president, I reckon.

Well, then there ain't
gonna be no treasurer

washin' off no vice
president from no door.

Hey, Jethro, come
see your office!

Got your name on the
door and everything!

Hot-diggity dog!

Can't blame ya fer
feelin' proud, boy.

Here you are, treasurer
of a big corporation

not even out of the sixth grade.

Oh, I'm gonna work
hard, Uncle Jed.

Folks ain't gonna
say I'm a success

just 'cause I'm your nephew.

That's the spirit, boy.

Get in there and get
to treasurin'. Yes, sir.

Hey, Pa, wait till
you see your office!

It's a yellow-speckled
doozy. "Private"?

That means can't nobody
come in and bother you.

Well, let's get that
off of there right away.

Can't do business without
folks can come in and talk to me.

Ain't this somethin', Pa?

It sure enough is.

Why, there's room
in here fer all of us.

We don't need
them other offices.

Well, maybe when business

gets to goin', we'll need 'em.

Ah. Sure wish Mr. Drysdale

would tell us what kind
of business we're in?

We're up high enough to
be in the roofin' business.

Look down yonder.

That's a long jump.

I sure hope Granny
don't try to leave

without finding her stairs.

GRANNY: Jed!

Jed Clampett, I quit!

Again? Ain't ya
happy with your office?

I ain't happy with my job.

Vice president?! That's it.

I just had Jethro look up
what that word "vice" means,

and I ain't gonna be
president of no such goings-on!

GRANNY: Turn me loose!

Let me go!

Now, Granny, take it easy.

You're harder to hold down

than a tar paper
roof in a wind storm.

I'm gonna be harder than that

if you don't take my
name off that door!

Well, Jethro's out
lookin' fer turpentine.

I ain't waitin'.

Jed, take your knife
and whittle me off!

I ain't sharin' no
door with "vice."

(door opens)

Uncle Jed, I
couldn't find no turps,

but I got some
of that gold paint.

Get to whittlin', Jed.
Wait, I got a idea.

Hold down this
half of your Granny.

We'll have this fixed
in no time, Granny.

There you are, "nice president."

Now, Elly May, you
call Mr. Drysdale,

tell him the
presidents, secretary

and treasurer of Clampco,
Inc. Is rarin' to go to work

doing whatever it is
they're supposed to do.

That's better.

Any sign of the
Clampetts? Not yet, Chief.

Maybe they've given up
the notion of having offices.

That's entirely possible.

Personally, I cannot
picture those vigorous

and spirited
outdoor-loving mountaineers

encapsulated within
the stultifying confines

of this uniquely urban
concrete-and-steel stalagmite

which we call the
"office building."

(phone rings)

I'll answer that.

You get out your notary seal.

Hi there, Mr. Drysdale.

This here's secretary
of Clampco, Inc.

And the treasurer.

And the nice president.

And the other president.

We's up here in the
penthouse rarin' to go to work,

'cept we don't know what to do.

We'd like to talk to
you, Mr. Drysdale.

He says it ain't time yet
fer a meetin' of the bored.

Tell him we get bored
quicker than city folks.

Yes, all right, Elly May.

I'll come right up and
explain everything. Bye.

You come along.

Three mouths are
better than one.

And so we see from
what I have pointed out,

that the corporation tax
picture is not only brighter

from the standpoint of
the maximum tax rate

of 50 percent on
corporate income,

as opposed to 77 percent
on personal income,

but also from the standpoint
of the eventual possibility

of attaining a
long-term capital gain

upon the ultimate
sale or dissolution

of said corporation,
to wit, Clampco, Inc.

Mr. Treasurer, did
you hear all that?

Oh, yes, sir, every word.

You understand it?

No, sir, not a word.

How about you, Miss
Secretary? You understand it?

No, sir, Pa... I
mean, President.

How 'bout you? She lost me

right after she stood up
and cleared her throat.

Miss Jane, that
was a dandy speech.

But I'm afraid that I didn't cut

a whole lot of
meat off of it neither.

I suppose you understood
it, Mr. Drysdale?

Not a word. Chief!

Oh, I'm kidding.

But I can boil her
ten-minute oration

down to one simple statement.

You'll be paying less
money to the government.

Now, I make a
motion that we adjourn

so you can go home
and relax and leave

all the high finance
to us experts.

Well now, excuse
me, Mr. Drysdale,

but, uh, could I say something?

Of course. What's on your mind?

Well, now I hear that

the government
needs a lot of money.

Well, that's their problem.

Our problem is to see
that they don't get it from us.

Why?

"Why?"

Well, well, well...
well, everybody tries

to avoid paying taxes.

Well, why?

"Why?" Well...

Great scot, man,
that's the American way!

Chief, perhaps you should
explain to Mr. Clampett

that it is perfectly
legal to avoid taxes

so long as we do not
evade them. Right.

In other words, Mr. Clampett,

the government
doesn't want you to pay

any more tax than you have to.

Well now, if the government
needs all this money

and I got plenty, I don't
mind giving it to them,

especially since this
country's been so good to me.

That's right. Yeah,
you bet. That's for sure.

Well, the way to
help this country

is to put money in circulation,

and that's exactly what
Clampco is going to do.

It is?

Absolutely.

That's what a prosperous
business economy does:

puts more money into
the hands of more people.

Well, that makes a
whole heap of good sense.

I see you're
getting the picture.

Well now, if you'll excuse us

we'll be getting
back to the office.

Well, thank you very
much, Mr. Drysdale,

fer explainin' it to us.

It's a pleasure. Good-bye, sir.

Bye. Bye.

Au revoir.

Well, I reckon we got
our work cut out fer us.

We sure have. That's a fact.

I'll say. What is it, Uncle Jed?

It's what Mr. Drysdale
said: "We've got to get

more money into the
hands of more people."

Oh, yeah. He said that?

How're we gonna do it?

Well, the first thing
we need is money.

Now, you and Elly run
down to the cashier fella

and get a big,
heapin' box of it.

(whistles) Come on, Jethro!

Gentlemen: Clampco Incorporated,

which I have the pleasure
to represent as a director,

is desirous of purchasing

large parcels of
income property:

hotels, apartment buildings,

commercial
property in your area.

We have unlimited
capital and we...

Great scot! Money! Where?!

Falling from the sky! Look!

Chief, I hate to say this,

but I think it's coming
from the penthouse!

Oh, no!

They wouldn't! They couldn't!

They would, they
could and they are!

(groans)

Here goes a ten!

I'm sailin' a 20!

And a 50!

A fistful of fives!

Three more twenties!
A couple of hundreds!

Hey, wait a minute!
Hold on, Uncle Jed!

I can't treasure as fast
as you're throwing it out.

(horns honking)

Don't worry about it, Jethro.

Okay.

Hot diggity-dog, we
sure gettin' a lot of money

into the hands
of a lot of people.

JED: Complements of
Clampco, Incorporated!

Wait a minute.

Them people's gettin' it all.

How about the folks over
on my side of the building?

Help yourself, Granny.

Load me up, Elly.

Granny, what's going on up here?

Prosperous economy.

Come help me with
my side of the building.

Wait, wait!

Complements of
Granny! Granny, stop!

You cannot throw
money out the window!

Not till I get some more.

Here's some more, Granny.

Step aside, everybody.

Yee-ha!

JED: Crowd's
pickin' up real good.

Get another box
of money, Jethro.

Get bigger bills; it
makes them happier.

Chief, cheer up.

So they gave away $27,000.

They can afford it.

I know, but the way they
did it, it's not deductible.

Now Jed wants to
dissolve the corporation.

Did he give you a reason?

No, he just said if he
couldn't give money away

that he'd just
as soon forget it.

JED: Head her off, Duke!

(Duke barks)

Elly May, you come
back and put on a dress.

Howdy, folks. Be
with you directly.

Head her off, Duke!

Elly, come down out of there!

ELLY MAY: Ain't gonna do it, Pa.

Well, Chief, if I may
venture an observation,

it looks as though
Clampco, Incorporated

is up a tree.

(laughs)

Here's your notary seal.

Pucker up? Exactly.

And Clampco that wise mouth.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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