The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 34 - Cabin in Beverly Hills - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Well, how's it look
to you, young'uns?

Larrupin', Pa.

Elmer and me sure like it
better than that old mansion.

Yeah, I reckon Granny's
gonna feel the same way about it.

Well, not me.

Give me city living anytime.

Well, we ain't got things
in working order yet.

Did you prime the
pump? Yes, sir.

Lay a fire in the
fireplace? Yes, sir.

Well, now, I want you to go out
and get some wood and lay it by,

because the first thing your
Granny's gonna want to do

is start cooking. Yes, sir.

And, uh, bring them guns,

and, uh, put 'em up
on the wall in there.

Place won't seem
like home to Granny

without them guns on the wall.

I'll take care of that
right away, Uncle Jed.

Elly May, I'm gonna leave
the pots and pans to you.

Yes, sir, Pa.

Here, chickee chick.

Here, chickee chick.
MARGARET: Mr. Clampett!

Here, chickee chickee.

MARGARET: Mr. Clampett!

Oh, morning, Mrs. Drysdale.

What is this?

This is a cabin, just
like the one back home.

But this is Beverly Hills.

You have a mansion.
Why do you want this?

It's a surprise for Granny.

You see, today is her birthday,

and she's been kind of
homesick for the hills lately.

Then why don't you
take her back to the hills?

Well, we was gonna do that,

but your husband was
dead set against us leaving.

Milburn? Yes, ma'am.

He's the one that thought
of bringing this cabin here.

Milburn?! Yes, ma'am.

He had one of them, uh,
movie companies to build it.

He'll pay for this.

Yes, ma'am, he already has.

What?!

Well, I tried to
argue him out of it,

but he said it was his
birthday present to Granny.

I'll give him a
birthday present.

Well, doggies!

Born the same day
as Granny, huh?

You got a surprise for him?

Have I ever!

Well, he'll be back directly.

Him and Miss Jane is
taking Granny for a ride

whilst we get the cabin
ready to surprise her.

And it wasn't easy.

Getting that little
woman out of the house

was harder than getting a
hot mule out of a cool barn.

Granny, you're home.

Why did you bring me back here?

My family don't want me!

What?!

You heard 'em trying to
get shed of me this morning.

"Go outside for awhile, Granny.

"Take a ride.

Make yourself scarce."

Oh, but, Granny,
they just wanted to...

Nobody even
remembered my birthday!

(inhaling)

(blowing)

I'll go around to the kitchen,
put the candles in the cake.

Right.

Now, Granny, I'm
sure your family

wouldn't forget your birthday.

Did you hear anybody
say "Happy birthday"?

No, but...

Did you see anybody
give me a present?

No, but...

As much as one little old
posy to pin on my dress?

No, but...

A single crumb
of a birthday cake

with candles on it

or hear my kinfolk
singing to me?

No, but... Oh, here
comes Mr. Clampett.

I'll bet he has
something in mind.

Yeah. How to get rid of

poor, old, wore-out,
useless Granny, that's what!

Well, Granny, I see
they brung you back.

Now, we got a little
surprise for you, but first off,

we want you to put
on this here blindfold.

(screaming)

They're fixin' to
firin'-squad me!

You're gonna stand me up
again' a wall and shoot me!

Now, Granny, you
hush that kind of talk.

Here are the guns, Uncle Jed.

Help...!

Not here, you darn fool.

Take 'em around back.

Well, you didn't say which wall.

Help...!

Granny, quieten down,
put on this blindfold,

and come around back with us.

No! At least give me a running
start to make it to the hedge!

(screaming)

Jethro, give me them guns
and go fetch your Granny back.

Oh, well.

The surprise when she sees
the cabin will be worth all this.

Yeah, I reckon so.

Oh, speaking of surprises,

Mrs. Drysdale wants
you to come right home.

She's got one for you.

Oh, wonderful!

I put Granny in
yonder and told her

not to take off the blindfold
till she hears the signal.

What's the signal?

This here.

(gunshots)

They got me.

They got me!

It took 'em two
shots, but they got me.

It's the cabin.

It's the little cabin
from back home.

I've done went to heaven.

Thank you.

It's just like I always
hoped it would be.

Here comes Miss
Jane with the cake.

I didn't know how many
candles to put on it, Mr. Clampett.

I-I don't believe you told
me Granny's exact age.

Well, I don't believe
anybody knows,

but that looks like
enough to keep her happy.

Oh, can we light 'em
now and go in singing?

I think we ought to
wait for Mr. Drysdale.

This whole thing
was kind of his doing.

Now, please, Margaret,
it's Granny's birthday.

Try and be pleasant,
say something nice.

I want that horrible
shack demolished.

Oh, you can do better than that.

Try "Happy birthday."

Milburn, have
you no civic pride,

no sense of social
responsibility?

Placing that monstrosity

in the very center
of Beverly Hills.

Well, it's just till Granny
gets over her homesickness.

Believe me, it's
a temporary thing.

Now, come on.

Is that a promise?

The cabin is only temporary?

Well, it's just a surprise
for Granny's birthday.

Now, remember, say nice things,

keep my largest depositor happy.

You are obsessed with money.

Money, money,
money, money, money!

That's it, say nice things.

This thing is commencing
to look like a brush fire.

Yeah, when you get
to be Granny's age,

you can purt near bake
a cake without an oven.

(chuckles)

Oh, good, here come
Mr. and Mrs. Drysdale.

Fine. I kind of think
they ought to be

the first ones in,
toting the cake.

Elly May, what's Granny doing?

Just sitting there rocking
with a happy look on her face.

♪ When the saints
come marchin' in ♪

♪ When the saints
come marchin' in ♪

♪ Oh, it's nice to
be here in heaven ♪

♪ When the saints
come marchin' in ♪

♪ When the saints... ♪

This fire is scorching me!

Surprise, Granny!

(screams)

Mrs. Drysdale!

They done sent me
to the other place!

(screaming)

Wait, Granny, wait!

Come back!

Margaret, I want to thank you
for helping to surprise Granny.

(chuckles): And
what a surprise it was!

What is so amusing?

Well, I thought it
was kind of funny

the way she took one look at
you and thought she was in...

(laughs)

Have your little laugh, Milburn.

But don't forget, I want that
wretched hovel obliterated

before the week
is out. Yes, dear.

Just as soon as Granny
gets over her homesickness.

Before the week is out!

Now, dear, let's not raise
our voices in front of strangers.

What strangers?

That one.

Greetings, wealthy type people.

For my term
project in sociology,

I'm preparing a paper on
the vanishing servant class.

I've chosen this
section of Beverly Hills

for a mansion-to-mansion survey.

Now, then, first question...

We're in a hurry.

Oh, please, lady, I'm trying to
get out of college the hard way.

You know, graduate.

Cap and gown, "Pomp and
Circumstance," Mom and Dad,

the new watch, "Proud of
you, daughter," the whole bit.

Milburn, must we
listen to this prattle?

Miss Hathaway, get a move on.

While we're waiting, how
many servants do you employ?

Mm.

With the gardener,
four or five, I guess.

You're not sure?

Well, who counts?

(laughs)

Hurry, Miss Hathaway!

May I ask you how much
you pay these servants?

I don't think that's
any of your business.

Come, Milburn.

Did you employ more or
fewer servants five years ago?

Did you pay them
more or less than now?

Did you operate a guillotine
during the French Revolution?

You have the kind face
of a lower income type.

May I ask you some questions?

Of course, yes.

Get in the car.

Right, Chief.

Sorry, Miss, when Mr. Drysdale
cracks the whip, I must obey.

(engine starts) Do
you find that automation

and labor-saving devices
are replacing the servant

to the extent that it
affects the labor pool

of qualified domestic workers?

One question
answered out of 103.

Well, that's the
best I've done yet.

Well, howdy there, little lady.

Hello. Uh, do you do
the gardening here?

Well, I do some of the gardening

and lots of other things beside.

Place this size keeps me
and my whole family busy.

Oh, there's a family of you.

How many? Four.

Uh, there's Granny...
Today's her birthday...

And Elly May, Jethro and me.

Four of you? To take
care of a place this size?

Well, uh, don't look like much,

but that's a
35-room house there.

Then there's about, uh, nine,
ten acres of ground beside.

Fantastic.

How much does
Mr. Drysdale pay you for this?

Well, he don't pay us nothing.

Nothing? No, ma'am.

We don't expect him to.

Why, if it wasn't
for Mr. Drysdale,

we'd all still be
back in the hills.

Was him that fixed it so we
could live on this grand estate.

But he-he pays you no
money for the work you do?

Is he supposed to?

Oh, I want to ask you

and your family
a lot of questions.

Could we go inside and talk?

Well, uh, they
ain't in the mansion,

they's in the cabin around back.

Follow me.

A cabin?

In Beverly Hills?

A cabin. In Beverly Hills.

Well, young lady,
this here's my family.

Here's Granny and,
uh, Jethro and Elly May.

Howdy! Howdy! Howdy!

Tobacco Road on Crestview Drive.

I don't believe I
caught your name.

Uh, Jennings, Virginia Jennings.

Well, uh, come
on in, set a spell.

This is your house?

Well, uh, strictly speaking,
it belongs to Mr. Drysdale,

but he had it put here for us.

He's a mighty nice man.

Yeah, I'm all choked up.

Uh, Granny, this young lady
wants to ask us some questions.

That's the way for
young folks to learn.

Jethro, you light the
fire under my soap kettle.

Yes'm, Granny.

Elly May, you fetch the
lye and the renderings.

Yes'm, Granny.

Granny, you hadn't ought to
be making soap on your birthday.

Got to, Jed, we're plum out.

You mean you have
to make your own soap?

If I want it, I do.

Well, can't you just get
it from the Drysdales?

Oh, shucks, no.

They use that fancy
store-boughten stuff.

(laughs)

Much too highfalutin'
for folks like us.

Sure is.

My sociology professor
will never believe this.

Fireplace don't draw
too good, Granny.

Jed, I'm so grateful to
have a fire to cook over again

that I don't mind
breathing a little smoke.

Haven't you had
a fire before now?

Not out here in
Californy, no, ma'am.

Not since we left the hills,
purt near two years ago.

Hope you'll stay and share
our vittles with us, ma'am.

That's a fine lookin' mess

of dandelion greens
Granny's a-cookin'.

(chuckles)

Elly and me picked 'em

from Mrs. Drysdale's
yard last night.

Ha! She caught us.

Ooh, was she mad!

Turned the hose on us.

For picking dandelions
out of her yard?

Oh, not that she
wants 'em for herself.

Oh, no.

Greens ain't good enough
for banker Drysdale's table.

They have to have
store-bought, butcher-cut,

paper-wrapped meat every day.

Now, Granny, you
got to remember,

the Drysdales is high
muckety-muck society folks.

Next to them,
we's rough as cobs.

Ah! What do you eat, Granny?

Oh, grits and greens, a
little side meat now and then.

And a scrawny Californy
rabbit if Jed goes out hunting.

Now, Granny, don't
be poor mouthin'.

You know that when Cousin Pearl

sends us a package
of food from back home,

ain't nobody in
Beverly Hills eats better.

What does your
Cousin Pearl send you?

Oh, the best of everything.

Crawdads, catfish,
salted down possum.

We was hopin' for
some fresh laid eggs,

but Ms. Drysdale says we have

to get rid of our chickens.

ELLY MAY: Granny!

Granny, your
soap kettle's ready.

Should I light the fire?

Not until I check
the wind, Elly.

If it's blowin' over
toward the Drysdales',

we better hold off.

The smell of
Granny's soap cookin'

just naturally drives that woman

into a ragin' fury.

This whole situation is
an incredible anachronism!

It's medieval Europe.

It's feudalism, it's serfdom!

You are vassals in
thrall to a liege lord!

How can this
despicable anomaly exist

in an enlightened
20th-Century America?

Well, doggies!

Did you ever hear such big words

come out of such a little girl?

Why, Elly May, if
you went to school,

you could talk like that.

You never went to school?

Oh, not more than a day or two.

In your whole life?

That's right.

Granny, may I come
back later today?

You betcha.

We're gonna fire up
my birthday cake again

and open up my presents.

I'd like to bring a camera,

a tape recorder and
a sociology professor.

Well, now, I can't let you
give me no camera or recorder,

but I will take a look at
that sociable professor.

Jethro, you hadn't
ought to fire it up

without checki" the wind.

It's headin' straight
for the Drysdale place.

Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Jed.

Well, you stir the
soap so it won't scorch,

and I'll get a bucket of water

and douse the fire. Yes, sir.

Jethro, you oaf!

How many times
do I have to tell you,

I will not tolerate
the cooking of soap

in the proximity of my flowers!

When will you peasants learn?

Now get this mess out
of here, you churlish lout!

Do not despair, noble peasant.

Never again will your
handsome head cower

beneath the bludgeon
of the oppressor,

nor your strong limbs chafe

at the fetters of serfdom.

I shall return and liberate you!

What was she talkin' about?

Near as I can figure out,

she don't want us
makin' soap, neither.

It's the truth, Professor.

He's the president of this bank.

Now, now, Virginia,
let's be realistic.

Mr. Drysdale is a
community leader,

a respected man, a
responsible citizen.

A feudal lord,
that's what he is!

And the Clampetts are
his serfs, his vassals!

They live in a little shack

on the grounds of his estate.

They have to poach dandelions

from his lawn in order to eat.

They'd starve if their family

didn't send them food
packages from back in the hills.

Let's keep our voice
down, shall we?

Professor Graham, I
have found a family living

in virtual bondage
in the very center

of the wealthiest section
of the wealthiest city

of the wealthiest
country in the world!

They face poverty,
pestilence, famine...

Shh. Ginny, lower your voice.

The Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse

are riding the boulevards
of Beverly Hills,

and he wants me
to lower my voice!

I say, let's storm
this Bastille!

Let's liberate the prisoners

of the tyrant Drysdale!

Let's show him this
is the land of the free

and the home of the
brave! Let's get out of here.

Down with Drysdale, the despot!

Yeah, let's get him!

(clamoring)

(Mrs. Drysdale shouting
indistinctly over phone)

Oh, Margaret, will
you change records?

I've listened to you
sing the "Hillbilly Blues"

till it's coming out of my ears.

But... but I put the cabin
where no one can see it.

All right, you can see it.

So why did you go over there?

Well, let them cook soap...
They're clean people.

JANE: Excuse me, Chief.

The young lady who was
up at the Clampett mansion

is here with her
sociology professor.

They demand to see you.

What about?

The Clampetts.

They wish to register
a strong complaint.

Well, throw them out.

I think you'd better
see them, Chief.

The bank guard says
they are spokesmen

for what might be described
as rather an ugly mob.

What a choice.

I can listen to my wife
or face an ugly mob.

I'll take the mob.

Good-bye, dear.

Come in, please.

Mr. Drysdale, this is
Professor Robert Graham

of the Department
of Social Sciences

at the university.

Big deal... so
what's your complaint

about the Clampetts?

Aha, you've had others.

Every day, and I'm sick of them!

Have you no social conscience,

no civic pride?

Has your greed destroyed
every... Uh, Ginny...

I'd better do the talking.

Mr. Drysdale,

are you responsible for a family

of four hillbillies
occupying a...

squalid cabin in the
middle of Beverly Hills?

Yes, I am!

And it's not
squalid, it's clean!

Does it have modern
conveniences,

modern plumbing?

No, but they're
very happy there.

Or would be, if
buttinskies like you

would leave them alone.

Would you live
there, Mr. Drysdale?

Oh, of course not.

My wife would
leave me like that.

Hey, wait a minute, mayb...

No, I still couldn't live
the way the Clampetts do.

Ooh, they... (groans)

And yet, you expect
your neighbors

to tolerate a
condition like that

in the most fashionable
street in Beverly Hills?

But you can't see
them from the street!

I was very careful to put
the cabin behind some trees.

Ask him about their wages.

Yes, yes.

Is it true that not one of them

earns even a minimum salary?

So what? They don't need money.

They wouldn't know how
to handle it if they had it.

I take care of all their needs.

Anything they want,
they come to me.

Well, Professor, have
you heard enough?

I think so.

Well, I think so, too!

And next time,
keep your nose out

of other people's business!

The Clampetts are
staying right where they are!

We'll see about
that, you tyrant.

Caesar had his Brutus,

Charles the First his Cromwell,

and Drysdale will have
his Ginny Jennings!

Right!

(door closes)

What a couple of
ding-a-lings they are.

Come on, Granny, you can do it.

Take a deep one now.

You're gonna need
more wind than that.

Did you make your wish?

Go, Granny, go!

Granny, you're
gonna get your wish.

I done got it.

You did? What'd you wish for?

The strength to blow
out all them candles.

(all laughing)

Well, Granny, seeing
as it's your birthday,

you get to call the tune.

How would you like to celebrate?

With a floor-raisin',
window-rattlin',

rafter-dustin',
floor-shakin' square dance!

Yee-haw! (whistles)

Come on, young'uns,
let's make some room here.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Hey, Granny, wouldn't you rather

dance up in the mansion?

There's more room
and a stouter floor.

No, Jethro, it will seem

more like old times
here in the cabin.

Come on, let's get busy.

What a magnificent mansion.

Take a good look, Professor,

and then I'll take
you around back

and show you where
the Clampetts live,

the poor people who take care

of this beautiful
estate. That lawn...

It... it's like a carpet.

Watered by the tears
of the oppressed,

clipped by toil-worn
hands that...

Now, Ginny, save it
for your term paper.

(bluegrass music playing)

(whooping)

Now you, Pa!

Cut loose with some fancy
foot stompin', Uncle Jed.

Show them wood weevils what for!

(music stops) (all laughing)

I don't know about you,

but I'm as thirsty as
a hound-chased fox.

Me, too.

I've danced me up
a parched throat, too.

Me, too. Same here.

Jethro, I thought
you primed this pump.

Didn't do no good.

Mr. Drysdale forgot
to connect the water.

Well, uh, take this bucket

and fill it from one

of them hose spigots outside.

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

Well, there it is.

Why, it-it's even worse
than you described it.

Do you know they didn't
even have fire until today?

Incredible.

How can the
Drysdales sit up there

in their million-dollar mansion

eating store-bought,
butcher-cut,

paper-wrapped meat

while their servants
live here eating grass?

It's a throwback.

It's 100 years of
civilization down the drain!

Howdy, Miss Ginny.

Oh, hello, Jethro.

Uh, this is Professor Graham.

Howdy. Oh, hello, Jethro.

Uh, what's that you're carrying?

Drinkin' water.

Don't you have
water in the cabin?

Mr. Drysdale never
had it hooked up.

We's fixin' to die of thirst.

Come on inside.

It's Granny's birthday,

and we's havi" a square dance.

Isn't that magnificent?

Starving, dying of thirst,

and they can still dance.

The flame of the human
spirit is hard to extinguish.

Inspired by courage like that,

we shall lead these
people to freedom.

(bluegrass music playing)
JETHRO: Go on, Granny!

(whooping)

Let's go, Elly!

(whooping)

(whooping)

Yee-haw!

Let go of me, you vile beast!

(music stops) Stop this racket!

I am expecting my bridge club,

and we cannot possibly
concentrate on our game

with this dreadful
uproar going on

not 50 feet from my patio.

I demand that you cease at once,

or I'll have this
cabin dismantled

and hauled away
to the city dump.

But, Mrs. Drysdale, it's
Granny's birthday, and...

That is my ultimatum!

Terminate this cacophonous
din instantly and permanently...

or else!

Jed, does that mean we can dance

or we can't dance?

I think it means we can't dance.

It means we must dance!

What?

If the chains of bondage
are to be broken,

let us break them now.

But I thought you
said we had to dance.

We do, and we shall,

but not here in
this squalid cabin.

No, we shall dance in
that magnificent mansion!

Yeah, I'm for that.

Follow me!

We'll dance the
dance of defiance!

Ginny!

Granny, you ever
hear of that dance?

No, but if I can watch her

for a minute or two,
I'll be able to pick it up.

Come on, everybody.

We're gettin' too
crowded in here anyway.

♪ ♪

(whooping)

(music stops)
(laughter, clapping)

Friends, friends, Clampetts!

Clampetts, you have danced now

for half an hour in
this beautiful hall.

Has Mrs. Drysdale
dared to show her face?

No!

That's right, she ain't.

Has she dared to utter
one word of protest?

No!

He's right worked-up
about it, ain't he?

Now you see how
the tyrant quails

in the face of courage.

You have danced
the dance of defiance,

and your fetters are broken!

Doggone it, mine feel like it.

Clampetts, now you must press on

to ultimate victory.

You must not
return to that cabin.

You must sleep here tonight.

You must eat here tonight!

I'm for that... I
been for it all along!

Jethro, noble Spartacus,

you shall lead your
people to happiness.

Hot diggity dog! You heard her!

Head for the kitchen!

Come on, folks,
join us for supper.

Shall we? No.

We have ignited
the torch of liberty,

but they have won
the battle of freedom.

You're right.

To them alone belong
the fruits of victory.

Right. Store-bought,

butcher-cut, paper-wrapped meat!

(humming "La Marseillaise")

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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